(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you don't like it, go away...I'm no good for you.)
I'm sure this scenario has happened to all of us at one point or another: there are a bunch of songs that you hear, and these songs bite. They sound alike and could be from the same group, then again they might not be. It doesn't really matter though, all you need to know is that the music sucks, and you want nothing to do with it. As I researched this possible induction and saw the list of horrible song after horrible song, I realized that the Four Seasons and their music were such a group. I really wanted nothing to do with them, but after they were mentioned in the "suggestions" thread my curiosity got the better of me. As I continued my research I realized that this group needed an induction.
From the time Elvis went into the Army until the Beatles came to America, popular music went through a very dark period. Gone were the "balls to wall" true rockers that pissed off millions parents and turned on millions of teenagers. In their place stood a bunch of pansies with clean-cut images and wimpy pop songs. The Four Seasons are the epitome of the first "Dark Age" of rock music. As you'll see they hit the scene and made it big with some of the pussiest music to ever be made. Move over Elvis, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard and so on...make way for a bunch of guys who put the "honk" in honkey. These guys are so "white" (for lack of a better adjective) that you have to wear sunglasses to sheild your eyes from the brightness (and cleanness) of their ultra-polished music. The Four Seasons were definately the front-runners of this genre, and it is with that in mind that I bestow upon them the very un-prestigious title of Godfathers of Clit Rock.
The Four Seasons didn't make it big until the early 1960's, but their history (under various different names) can be traced back to 1949. The man who would become the ultra-effeminate voice of the Four Seasons, Frankie Valli, recorded his first album in 1953. With the group running for such a long time I figured that I owed to you the reader, not to mention my own personal sanity, to cut to the chase and go straight to the most important years. I should also note that back around the time the Four Seasons made it big singles were more important than albums, so information on albums is scarce and varies from source to source.
In 1962 the Four Seasons consisted of Valli and fellow Italian-Americans Nick Massi (bass guitar), Tommy Divito (lead guitar), and Bob Gaudio (piano). It was in 1962 that the group would meet up with producer Bob Crewe, and it was automatically a match made in Hell. Their first collaboration, "Sherry" became a #1 hit. The first sound to hit the listener like a Louisville Slugger upside the noggin is Valli's "falsetto" voice. He sounds like a female cat in heat with that high-pitched screeching. We here at MTS (ok, it's just me) made calls to a couple connections to find out the exact reason why Valli was (and still is) able to sing at such a high frequency, and what we found out is that Valli has been harboring a deep, dark secret for all of these years. Here, for the first time, this secret is about to be revealed:
Frankie Valli is a castrato.
That's right folks, he intentionally had his balls cut off for the sake of keeping his voice high and creating Clit Rock for some 30-odd years.
The funny thing about the Four Seasons is that back when they first came out they were actually mistaken as a black group. "Sherry" not only made it to #1 on the Billboard Pop Singles chart, but also topped the Billboard Black Singles chart! The group's next single, "Big Girls Don't Cry" (apparently neither do guys without testicles) also top both the Billboard Pop and Black Singles charts. A cover of "Ain't That A Shame" went to #22 on the Pop charts, while their next original single "Candy Girl" reached #3 on the Pop charts and #13 on the Black Singles charts. After a string of singles that charted unimpressively, the last Four Seasons single of 1963, "Walk Like A Man" (and sing like a bitch) became the group's third #1 hit within a one year span (not to mention reaching #3 on the Black charts).
1964 signified the end of Rock's first dark age with the British Invasion. As the Limeys showed the Yanks how to rock once again most of these pussy "doo-wop" groups fell to the wayside. Unfortunately, the Four Seasons managed to weather the storm and remain popular. In fact, 1964 was a very successful year for Valli and his fellow Guineas, as every single they released, save one, managed to score spots in the Top 30. The most notable of these include "Dawn (Go Away)" (#3 Pop), and "Rag Doll", which became their fourth #1 hit. The group was no longer appearing on the Black Singles chart, but I am unsure if it was due to the discontinuation of the Black Singles chart or due to everyone finally figuring out that these guys are definately not black; in fact they are so far from black they are transparent.
The Four Seasons began to lose steam while still charting as the social climate of the US changed and the public became less tolerant of a bunch of clean-cut douche bags whom parents gladly let their children listen to and let their daughters develop crushes on. The Seasons scored a #3 single with "Let's Hang On" in 1965, and for the most part still managed to chart respectably. Their days as top draw however seemed to be at an end. In 1966-1967 the highest they would chart would be #9, which they did three times in that span ("I've Got You Under My Skin", "Working My Way Back To You", and "C'mon Marianne"). The group finished out the "Turbulent '60's" with a bunch of singles that were considered disappointments.
After 1970's "Patch of Blue" finished at a disappointing #95, the group went on a five year haitus. In 1975 the Four Seasons made a dreaded come back with "Who Loves You", which made #3 on the Pop charts and also appeared on such varied charts as Adult/Contemporary and Disco. Their comeback would be complete the following year with their biggest single to date: "December 1963 (Oh, What A Night)". It was the group's fifth and final #1 song, and perhaps the most annoying of all. This is probably the only Four Seasons song to get constant airplay on Classic Rock stations (which typically play tunes from later periods than "oldies" stations do, or at least tend to play slightly harder music).
Their chart-topping days long behind them, and many different band changes that I felt weren't relevant enough to dicuss here, the Four Seasons continue to perform to this day. The fact that such shitty, unworth-while music gets to be so popular pisses me off immensely. I mean c'mon, there is nothing there. No substance, no depth, no NOTHING! Alas, I am shouting at a brick wall; after all, take a listen at the shit that passes for music today. Some would say to me "Hey Jim, at least the Four Seasons were better than (insert current popular act here)"; to which I say they absolutely were not. The Four Seasons were/are just as awful as the shit you see/hear on MTV nowadays.
If the Four Seasons taught us anything, hopefully it's that no matter how much money you can make, nothing is worth getting your balls chopped off for.
The Four Seasons, music...that sucks!
