(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. May anyone who disagrees get Hepatitis C from Pamela Anderson.)
A long time ago, on an adults-only message board long since deceased, Music That Sucks was born with the induction of Huey Lewis and the News. Many other shitacular groups have made their way through the halls of MTS since then. From Clit Rock to Corporate Rock and even the post-Beatles Paul McCartney have been disgracefully enshrined in here: but I took a hiatus. Events in the real world took precedence and the halls of Music That Sucks (located in scenic Hell...Michigan) were closed, dust covering the screen that played Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band The Movie on a continuous loop.
Then a funny thing happened: people started banging on the doors, demanding MTS re-open. Cries of torture rang out as the unsuspecting masses were assaulted by the retarded tones of shitty act after shitty act that had yet the enshrined. I then realized that I provide a great service for the community at large. MTS is a necessity, and I have been lax in my duties. I have heard your cries, World, and rest assured that Music That Sucks has returned and is open for business. On to the newest induction...
Young Robert James Ritchie grew up in Bumfuck, MI and as a small child in the 1970's was forced to listen to his parents sing karaoke covers of the likes of Jim Croce and Bob Segar and the seeds of suckiness were planted in his head. "How can I take these song and butcher them like Mommy and Daddy, but call them my own and make a shitload of money?" For the answer to this probing question, read on.
As the 70's became the 80's and Ritchie became a teenager he was profoundly influenced by the world of Hip-Hop. He even started up a breakdance crew called the Furious Funkers and saved his money to buy a set of turntables, which lead to him DJing at local parties for beer. He would eventually join up with an outfit called Groove Time Productions, working basement parties for $30 a pop. It was during this time that Bobby Ritchie became Kid Rock, as apparently the party-goers would exclaim "look at this white kid rock"! Rumor has it that Ritchie is hard of hearing and they actually saying "gee, this white kid must suck cock"!
Rock began his rapping career in a group called The Beast Crew and how some inexplicable reason made friends with D-Nice, the producer of the legendary hip-hop group Boogie Down Productions. In what can only be known as a rap version of a brain fart, Rock eventually became BDP's opening act and this led to his first record deal with Jive Records. Grits Sandwiches For Breakfast, his debut album (and a blatent attempt to seem "down with the Brothers"..."grits sandwiches"? Really?) luckily only sold 100,000 copies and is only notable for running afoul of the FCC for the single "Yo Da Lin In The Valley" (about oral sex, whether Rock is giving or receiving the head is not clear). All of this came around the same time as the 2 Live Crew censorship trial and Jive got out while the gettin' was good, dropping Rock from their label.
All through the early to mid 1990's Kid Rock was right where he belonged, Independent Label Purgatory. During these lean years he formed a back up band called Twisted Brown Trucker and met a midget rapper named Joe C. On August 18, 1998 Kid Rock, along with Twisted Brown Trucker backing him released Devil Without A Cause, and at first the album sat on the shelves collecting dust along with all of his other works. That was until the Vatican of Shit Music known as MTV came calling. Looking for newest form of talentless, eardrum piercing muzak to spread to the masses like a venereal disease and Kid Rock was perfect. He was a marketing godsend: white and had an "edgy, 90's look" about him with his long hair and grimy douche appeal. After meeting up with MTV celebritwat Carson Daily during the Vans Warped Tour Rock appeared on Fashionably Loud and unfortunately his career skyrocketed. He also appeared on various shows throughout MTV's Spring Break and his album reached gold status.
In May 1999 Rock released the single off of "Devil" called Bawitdaba, an ultra annoying piece of musical excrement that runs out of your ears like a case of Montezuma's Revenge runs out of your ass. This began the popularity of a hybrid style of crappy rap and crappy rock (here to fore known as Crock Music...crappy rap/rock for the especially slow among us) that would spur on the like of even less talented acts (yes Virginia, you can get even worse than Kid Rock) like Limp Bizkit. In fact, as "Devil" went platinum Rock would join up with fellow Crockers Limp Bizkit and Staind on the Limptropolis Tour, which sounds like worst fucking tour ever produced. I wouldn't give Hitler tickets to that fucking steamy pile. He would also performing at the bullshit fest that was Woodstock 99, and his next single Cowboy became an even bigger hit than the previous one, reaching #34 on the Billboard Mainstream Top 40 chart. Rock pulled an ultimate douche nozzle move at the 1999 MTV Video Music Awards, teaming up Aerosmith and Run DMC for Walk This Way, which the two latter bands performed in the fucking 80's. When it was all said and done, "Devil" was certified 11 times platinum. That's right, this album has offcially sold over 11 million copies, which for me is like tying me up and kicking me in the nuts 11 million times in a row.
In 2000 Rock acquired the rights to his early garbage and released a greatest hits package which included one new song American Bad Ass, which was subsequently used as the entrance theme music for WWF wrestler The Undertaker for a period of time. Joe C. died in November of 2000 and in 2001 Rock inducted Aerosmith into the sham known as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, performing what must be an even worse version of Sweet Emotion than the originals could have dreamed possible. He also appeared in the horrendously stupid David Spade led movie Joe Dirt, which only the reddest of necks could truly enjoy and relate to. Subsequent album sales for Cocky and a live album Live Trucker tapered off as Rock began to make a complete and utter ass of himself getting into fights and marrying 90's Skank Du Jour Pamela Anderson. It would seem that Kid Rock would fall to the ranks of D-List celebrity and be relegated to an occasional appearance on reality shows, but he was definitely not finished.
Most Rap and Crock music is almost dependent on Sampling. Sampling, for any who may not know, is when a musician takes a small part of an existing song and adds it to their song. I feel this is best done when you take a little bit of an obscure song (like Ice Cube has done in the past from groups like Average White Band and Parliament Funkadelic). However, some "artists" (and I use that term in the loosest way imaginable) take it a whole new extreme as Rock did with his biggest musical abortion yet (and his most successful) All Summer Long of the album Rock and Roll Jesus. He took the refrains from two very well known classic rock songs (Lynyrd Skynyrd's Sweet Home Alabama and Warren Zevon's Warewolves of London), sang some new, redundant lyrics about growing up in Michigan and claimed the song as his own. This is akin to dragging up the corpses of Warren Zevon and the dead Skynyrd members and brutally ass raping them without the benefit of lubricant, and doing so without so much as a half-hearted apology. Needless to say, in today's world of souless, bland music this song became Kid Rock's biggest hit to date, reaching #25 on the Billboard Top 40 Mainstream chart and also charting on various Adult charts as well as obtaining the #4 spot on the Billboard Hot Country Singles and Tracks chart. The album itself became the first #1 for Rock.
I can understand Sampling, and it can be an artform if done correctly, but what Kid Rock has done is flat out theft. It is disgusting, and deserving of Zevon and the dead Skynyrd members being reanimated for the sole purpose of finding Kid Rock and forcing him into a Zombie Bukkake Gang Rape. This one song has elevated him from ultra shitty Crocker to a musical equivalent of an overflowing colostomy bag and has made him more than deserving of this induction.
Kid Rock, Music...that sucks!
