Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Shemp_Diesel]

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

[Dog Hambone]

After living in the remote wilderness of  West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.  Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that!  Here's a picture of my Daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his Daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his Father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed: "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"

[Dog Hambone]

Brand new edition of...You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vise on the work bench

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list..

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

 

 

 

[Desmond Of The Outer Sanctorum]

31. You think of a family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

[Mike Lipincranz]

31. You think of a family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

32.  You tell your neighbor you were circumsized when someone kicked your sister in the jaw.

[Curly4444]

32.  You tell your neighbor you were circumsized when someone kicked your sister in the jaw.

  rofl           

33. Your a Cubs fan and think they're the best team in baseball. Yee-haw!!

[Dog Hambone]

The Queen's Riddle:

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.  Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child  It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.  Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me?  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot!  It's Tony Blair!"

 

[Shemp_Diesel]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
 
'Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?' he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. 'Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!' Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
 
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 'Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?' The cowboy turned back and said, 'I had to walk home.'

[Shemp_Diesel]

Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards.

When asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing.

[Shemp_Diesel]

Three dummies decide to go hunting. The first one says he’s going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck.”

So the second hunter says that he’s going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe.”

So the third hunter says, “I’m just gonna shoot at anything I see.”

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!” 

[Dunrobin]

HELL, EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following was on a university chemistry mid-term exam:

Bonus  Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most  of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  One  student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not  leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most  of these religions state that if you are not a member of  their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This  gives two possibilities:

1.  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks  loose.

2.  If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If  we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I  sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus  I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has  frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more  souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

The student received an A+.   

[Shemp_Diesel]

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

[Dunrobin]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day, the  kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes  ma'am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good  Heavens," said the horrified teacher.  "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Dog Hambone]

Everyone  seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days...

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage,
would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 

[Shemp_Diesel]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

[Dunrobin]

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a  race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.  The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this  kind of publicity that he  ordered the Pastor not to enter the  donkey in another race.
 
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so  he ordered the Pastor to  get rid of the donkey.  The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the very next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN  TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have toget rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.  The next day the paper read:  NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines  read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next  day.

[Dog Hambone]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane replied, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 

[Shemp_Diesel]

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

[Hammond Eggar]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

[Hammond Eggar]

I guy walked into a casino in Las Vegas and put a wooden nickel into a slot machine.  Guess what came out?

The manager!

[Dog Hambone]

 
YOU MIGHT BE A MUSLIM  IF...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. Your cousin is president of the United States. 

 

[Shemp_Diesel]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Dog Hambone]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He then put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[Shemp_Diesel]

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

[Dog Hambone]

Legendary Quotes on France


"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain

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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
General George S. Patton

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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
Norman Schwarzkopf

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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson

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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
Jacques Chirac, President of France

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"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin

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"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

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"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
David Letterman

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"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."
Ted Nugent

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"War without France would be like…World War II."
Unknown

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"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France'.''
Tom Brokaw

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"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller

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"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
Alan Kent

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"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qaida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
Argus Hamilton

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"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day…the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once'.''
Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

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"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq."'
Dennis Miller

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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieurs?

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"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried."
Rep. R. Blount, MO

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"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.