Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Q: What college did the Three Stooges attend?

A: Why U!

[Dog Hambone]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the bear repellent is $3.50.

[Dog Hambone]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
   
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
 
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
 

[Dog Hambone]

A guy went to the U.S. Department of Home Affairs to apply for a job.

The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?
He replied, 'yes - caffeine'.
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he replied.' I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'

Then he asked, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy said, 'Yes... A roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer said, 'Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.'

'Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM To 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM. And plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.'

Puzzled, the guy asks, 'If the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me here at 10?

'This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that!'

[Dog Hambone]

One day, Farmer Bob is in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket and an anvil, then stops by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Farmer Bob, realizing he must find a way to carry all of his purchases home, asks the livestock clerk for advice.

The livestock clerk says, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" says Farmer Bob, and off he goes.

While walking he meets a young woman. She tells him she is lost, and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

Farmer Bob says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there."

The girl asks, "How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

Farmer Bob says, "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The girl replies, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[Dog Hambone]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep you mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
 

[Dog Hambone]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow!!!"

[Dog Hambone]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison. "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"



 

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

(The People's Court)
Judge Milian, hearing a case of a person being accused of holding her pet bird hostage:

Judge Milian (to defendant): Did she give you the bird?
Defendant: Yes, she gave me the bird.

[Dog Hambone]

What Would Be Different If Men Really Ruled the World

· Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

· Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

· Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again" cards.

· When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the  screen during a time-out.

· Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

· Birth control would come in ale or lager.

· Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

· The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

· At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

· Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

· Tanks would be far easier to rent.

· Garbage would take itself out.

· Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

· Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

· Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

· On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

· St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated once in every month.

· Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

· The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

· The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

· It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

· Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

· When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

· NOBODY would EVER talk about how "fresh" they felt.

· Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

 

[Dog Hambone]

A  duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the  duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted  barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks  his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper, and  everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is  it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right,"  replies the barman.
"The  circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of  course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!" 

[Dog Hambone]

This woman and her husband have a really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care. She's busy doing her thing around the house when all of a sudden, the doorbell rings.
She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses from her husband.
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh CRAP!"
The delivery guy says, "Whatsa matter lady? You don't like roses?"
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?"
He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."
He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase?"

[Dog Hambone]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers...

Phyllis stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.

"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Bob." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

[Dog Hambone]

An Alberta farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'


The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 
 
 
 
 

[mankey8284]

Boy, some of these are bad, haha. But some of them made me chuckle.

[Dog Hambone]

Boy, some of these are bad, haha. But some of them made me chuckle.

Sorry mankey, guess I was just following the guidelines for the thread which is "Bad Joke..."

[Curly4444]

BAD JOKE OF THE DAY? I got one:


Hey, did any of you here about Gary Coleman's Monogrammed coffin?

[Dunrobin]

BAD JOKE OF THE DAY? I got one:


Hey, did any of you here about Gary Coleman's Monogrammed coffin?

That's cold!

[Curly4444]

That's cold!

I laughed my ass off when i got it in a e-mail. Cold, but funny.




Although,  that one was a fake. Here's his real coffin:

[jka12002]

[youtube=425,350]7DEC87Ao0Do[/youtube]
 

[Shemp_Diesel]

◦What did one plate say to the other?
◦Lunch is on me.


◦What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed?
◦God bless America.

◦When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed?
◦When he's red-handed.

◦What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
◦A pinch hitter.

[JazzBill]

.

[youtube=425,350]LM6O81YG5u0[/youtube]

[Dog Hambone]

 

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
 
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
 
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Dunrobin]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[FineBari3]

You're a-gonna-burn-a in-a Hella for that one!

(I appreciate a good Italian joke....this one was good!)