Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[ThumpTheShoes]

I remember that well, Giff me dat fill-em! And I still get a kick out of those stupid Paul Shanklin (sp?) songs that feature Al Sharpton yelling through a megaphone.

I just don't see where anything "good" (on either side) has come out of the whole incident.

-Thump

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

I remember that well, Giff me dat fill-em! And I still get a kick out of those stupid Paul Shanklin (sp?) songs that feature Al Sharpton yelling through a megaphone.

I just don't see where anything "good" (on either side) has come out of the whole incident.

-Thump

Yeah, me neither ... sep, the "maybe-probly-fer-sher" Jesse's quote of Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" ... what a hoot!!

[Dunrobin]

This isn't really a "joke", but it's so damned funny that it seems appropriate to share it here:

Japanese sold sheep instead of poodles
April 27, 2007

Thousands of Japanese have been swindled in a scam in which they were sold Australian and British sheep and told they were poodles.

Flocks of sheep were imported to Japan and then sold by a company called Poodles as Pets, marketed as fashionable accessories, available at $1,600 each.

That is a snip compared to a real poodle which retails for twice that much in Japan.

The scam was uncovered when Japanese moviestar Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food.

She was crestfallen when told it was a sheep.

Then hundreds of other women got in touch with police to say they feared their new "poodle" was also a sheep.

One couple said they became suspicious when they took their "dog" to have its claws trimmed and were told it had hooves.

Japanese police believe there could be 2,000 people affected by the scam, which operated in Sapporo and capitalised on the fact that sheep are rare in Japan, so many do not know what they look like.

"We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company were selling sheep as poodles," Japanese police said, the The Sun reported.

"Sadly we think there is more than one company operating in this way.

"The sheep are believed to have been imported from overseas - Britain, Australia."

Many of the sheep have now been donated to zoos and farms.


I can understand not knowing what a sheep looks like, but haven't these people seen a dog before?   

[ThumpTheShoes]

I can understand not knowing what a sheep looks like, but haven't these people seen a dog before?   

Sure, they have! But, you gotta admit...





When it's done properly...





It don't look much like a dog anymore!





Poodle!



It's what's for dinner!




-ThumpThemDamnShoes

[Bangsmith]

A priest and a rabbi were on the same flight together when it became obvious that the plane was going to crash. The priest crossed himself, and he noticed that the rabbi did the same. The priest asked the rabbi, "Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ in your final hours?" The rabbi replied, "No, just the usual check: spectacles-testicles-money and cigars!"

[Dog Hambone]

Every 14th of February the men get the chance to display their fondness for their wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. It's called Valentine's Day!
 
Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.
 
March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so the ladies can have a day to show their man just how much they love him.
 
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!
 
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
 
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
 

[BeAStooge]

Bad joke?  Nope.  Best practical joke of the day... especially if you love telemarketers.

[attachment deleted by admin]

[metaldams]

IF I used any of these earlier in the thread, forgive me.

A guy gets married to a girl named Wendy, and as a tribute, gets "Wendy" tattooed on his penis.  However, the full name only shows when his penis is erect.  Only the letters "WY" show when it's flaccid.

Said guy and Wendy go to Jamaica for their honeymoon, and he's pissing at a urinal.  He notices the Jamaican guy next to him also has "WY" on his penis.

The man asks, "WY...do you have a girl named Wendy too?"

Jamaican guy:  "No mon, no Wendy."

Man:  "Then what does the tattoo say?"

Jamaican guy: "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!"


Q: What do a digital camera and condom have in common?

A: They both capture that special moment.

 

[JoeCobbFan]

Why did the Bicycle fall over?

Because it was 2 tired!

 Why did this dipshit cross the road?

He won't if he keeps wasting space, because metaldams will run him over.

[Hoi Polloi]

A woman's car breaks down on the highway, so she eases over on to the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the hood.

Out of the back seat jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle. They stand facing on-coming traffic, open their coats and expose themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, a traffic tie-up occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.

"These are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde.

[Hoi Polloi]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA. One nun says to the other "I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs."

"Odd, her companion replied, "but if we are to live in America we might as well do as Americans do." So both Nuns walked towards a hot dog vendor.

"Two Dogs, please," said the first nun. The vendor wrapped two hot dogs in foil. The nuns hurried to a bench and began unwrapping their "dogs."

The first nun opened hers and stared at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun cautiously and asks, "What part of the dog did you get?"

[Hoi Polloi]

During Sabbath services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"



   

[Hoi Polloi]

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my
Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a be be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up
the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day.  Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.

When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?"



 
   

[Hoi Polloi]

A distraught man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your missing wife."

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. "I have been hoping against hope." Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news then?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what is the 'great news?'"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."



 

[Hoi Polloi]

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five . . . six . . . put me down for a five."

[Hoi Polloi]

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Hoi Polloi]

Bob was very late for an appointment and desperate for a parking spot. "Oh Lord," he said, "Grant me a parking spot and I will become a better person. I will go to church and be nicer to my wife and play more with my kids and give more to charity."

Suddenly, miraculously, a parking spot appeared.

"Never mind; I got one!"



   

[Hoi Polloi]

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes &2 eggs sunny-side up."

A few moments later, the waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up.

[Hoi Polloi]

Two philosophers were on vacation at a nudist colony and they were sunbathing by the pool.

One said to the other, "Have you read Marx?"

The other said, "Why, yes I have. I think it is because of this darn wicker furniture."

[Hoi Polloi]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
 evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
 was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked
 through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said,
 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the
 jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
 excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler
 asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I
 know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
 you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
 ring up Monday afternoon',' he said.
 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said, 'There's no
 money in that account.'
 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
 

[hiramhorwitz]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

[JazzBill]

This is what the JazzBill household looked like after reading all those stupid jokes from Hoi Polloi.


[youtube=425,350]bYAp2Kq7PX4[/youtube]

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A Cowboy, a blonde, a doctor, a lawyer, a redneck and a dog all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kinda joke?!"

[Dunrobin]

A Timely Election Joke   

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and Champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises . . .

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank Champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says . . ."Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[Dog Hambone]

A young girl opened the door and walked into her parents' bedroom while they were having sex. Her parents did not notice her, and she turned around and walked back out. The next morning, she said to her mother, "Mama, last night I saw daddy lying on top of you. What were you doing?" The mother explained "That's where babies come from."

Several days later. the girl asked her mother, "Mama, last night you had your face in daddy's lap. Is that where babies come from?" The mother replied, "No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from."