(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If your opinion differs, don't hate the playa, hate the game.)
Welcome one and all to a very special Music That Sucks. We reach into the bowels of suckdom and do away with the regular format to bring you a celebrity edition of MTS. Let's get started...
First we go back to 1987, and my sister like many other females of the era goes crazy for a little movie known as Dirty Dancing. When the Kane family purchased the videotape it was played so much that it was worn out and had to be replaced. This movie, a huge boxoffice hit despite a paper thin plot and wooden acting (nothing has changed since then) featured an actor who would instantly become a major heartthrob; Patrick Swayze.
On top of being a fourth-rate actor Mr. Swayze apparently fancied himself a rock star. Anybody that purchased the Dirty Dancing soundtrack would be exposed to "She's Like The Wind"; a horrible little number in the vein of Hall and Oates that caused many men to question Pat's sexuality. The soundtrack, and "She's Like The Wind" in particular got constant play at the old casa as well, until a certain young man who would go on to write these columns ended up ripping the tape apart. To make things worse, "She's Like The Wind" actually became a hit! Forget Patrick, the true acting talent lies with brother Don, who looks just like Pat, but for some reason is much uglier. You can most likely catch a Don Swayze movie on Cinemax in the wee hours of the morning.
Let's take it back one year to 1986, when a little cop show by the name of Miami Vice knocked the world on it's ass. From the ugly fashion to the crappy Phil Collins music, everything associated with the show was popular. Even one of the show's costars and main attraction, Don Johnson, put out an album by the name of Heartbeat. The title track, which is another testosteroneless ditty that again raised questions about the singers heterosexuality, became a hit. Why would these celebs release these pussy tunes? Because the little girlies love it, that's why. Let's thank goodness Johnson's singing career went nowhere after "Heartbeat", and that it's dead and buried where it belongs.
Going back a little further, to 1977, and we find another cop show; Starsky and Hutch. One of the show's stars, David Soul (Hutch), also fancied himself a muscian. Apparently he was singer before he went into acting and perfomed wearing a ski mask. He struck gold with the #1 hit "Don't Give Up On Us". Once again we have a song that is dripping in pussy juice. What were people in '77 thinking? Am I the only one who sees a running theme here? Speaking of which...
We're going to jump forward to the 80's where we find even more celebrities attempting to sing. 1985 saw Eddie Murphy, once thought to be cutting edge, queif it up with "Party All The Time". Piece of ass Alyssa Milano was also putting out music in the Decade of Suckitude, making it big as a rock star in Japan of all places. Just thinking of this s**t is painful enough!
A true gem in celeb music is boxing legend Muhammed Ali. This is where we cross into the "so bad it's good category". What's great about Ali's music is that almost every song is about how great he is. I think the original album is called "The Greatest" or something along those lines, but don't quote me. Any info would be much appreciated. Also in the sports category would be pro wrestlers Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage. In the same vein of Ali they fill their respective albums with songs about how great they are. Hulk Rules is OOP and was released sometime in the mid 90's, while Savage's Be A Man was released this past year. Did I mention that Macho raps and that the title track of the song is actually him calling out The Hulkster? Run, don't walk to your nearest music store or peer to peer program to check it out; pure schlock.
Of course, there has been much more celebrity music than what I've briefly covered, but I believe I have saved the best for last. Beyond a shadow of a doubt the crowning jewel of celebrity rock has to be the Star Trek tandem of William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. You haven't lived until you've heard Shatner's magnum opus Transformed Man, which has reached Ed Wood-like cult status in the world of music. Not only does Big Willy butcher "Mr. Tamborine Man" and "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds", but he also recites classic literature like Romeo and Juliet and Cyranno in between tunes. While Shatner comes off as having realized his album will be a joke for years to come, Nimoy seems to take his craft more seriously. Listen to him blindside such tunes as "Proud Mary", "Abraham, Martin, and John", and "Everybody's Talkin'"; if you aren't laughing your ass of then you aren't truely alive.
Rest assured folks, I will have some of tunes up later this week. If any of you happen to have some on hand, or some of a celebrity I didn't cover, don't hesitate in putting it up.
Next time: MTS returns to it's standard format with Styx. Until then, put your head up ass, and keep reaching for your balls.
