Transcription by xraffle:
[The short opens up and we see a sign on the door that reads, "Miracle Detective Agency- If we solve your crime, it's a miracle." The camera moves and we get a shot of the stooges mixing some hot chemical. Moe is holding a book in his hand. Shemp is working on the hot chemical.]
LARRY: This report's all wrong.
MOE: This report's all right because I made it out.
LARRY: Oh that's what's wrong with it.
MOE: Shut up! Shemp, how we doing? Any new clues?
SHEMP: Not yet. This test'll prove plenty, though.
MOE: Larry, get the pistol. We'll make a ballistics test. [Larry walks off-camera] Shemp, get me that Smith toupee.
SHEMP: Smith toupee?
SHEMP: Sure. Hold this. [gives Moe the tube filled with hot chemical]
[Moe grabs on the hot tube]
MOE: Fine. [his hand burns] Nyah. Ahhh! Ahh! [throws the tube]
[The tube gets thrown in Larry's pants]
LARRY: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahhhhhh! Owwwww! Hey Moe! Moe! Help me! Ahhh!
MOE: Alright kid, take it easy! Hold still. Hold still kid.
[Moe grabs a pitcher of water and pours it down Larry's pants]
MOE: There we are!
LARRY: Gee thanks Moe!
MOE: Sorry kid. Relax! Sit down.
LARRY: I can't the tube is in the---
MOE: Oh! Go on, sit down. [pushes Larry on the chair]
[Larry falls on the chair and the tube breaks in his pants]
LARRY: Ahh! Ahhhh! Oww! [gets up] What's the idea of shoving me?
MOE: Oh! Ungrateful, eh? [slaps Larry] Come on.
LARRY: Oh yeah.
[Larry sticks his hand in front of Moe. Larry moves his hand up and then down. Moe follows the hand. Then Larry moves his hand forward and Moe runs forward]
[Moe bangs into the door. Shemp is still in the drawer looking for the toupee. Moe closes the door. Larry gets the pistol from the desk. Moe kicks Shemp in the rear]
MOE: What's the idea of taking so long? Where's the toupee? Where did you file it?
SHEMP: Well, I--- Oh I remember now. I filed Smith's toupee under "D." [gets the toupee out of the drawer]
MOE: What's the idea of filing it under "D?"
SHEMP: [shows the toupee] It had dandruff.
MOE: Why you imbecile!! [slaps Shemp]
LARRY: Leave the imbecile alone!!
[Moe slaps Larry. Larry slaps Moe back, Moe then slaps Larry, and Larry slaps Moe again. Moe decides to forget about it. So, he bows and Larry bows down as well. Then Moe bonks Larry on the head.]
MOE: Get outta here!
SHEMP: Leave him alone.
[Moe bonks Shemps head and slaps Larry in the face at the same time with both hands]
SHEMP: I told ya. Leave him alone.
[Moe bonks Shemps head and slaps Larry in the face at the same time with both hands again.]
[Shemp grabs Moe and bites his nose]
MOE: Ahhhhhh! Ow! Hmm! Hmm! Why you! I'll kill you!
LARRY: Wait a minute! We got work to do. Kill him later.
MOE: [to Shemp] Remind me to kill you later.
SHEMP: I won't have time later.
MOE: Then, I'll kill you now.
[Moe twists both of Shemp's ears]
[Moe eyepokes Shemp]
[Moe grabs Shemp's nose and hits it]
SHEMP: Oh! [grabs the toupee] Why you!
[Shemp throws the toupee at Moe, but he ducks. The toupee lands on the floor on top of a mouse]
MOE: I'll mash you! Why, I'll---
[The toupee starts moving and Shemp sees it]
SHEMP: Oh, look! Look!
[Moe and Larry look and they see the toupee moving]
SHEMP: I told you that thing had dandruff. Leaping dandruff!!
MOE: Hey! It's alive. Get something and kill it. Kill it!
LARRY: [looks at the gun in his hand] Wait a minute! I'll kill it. [gets ready to shoot[
MOE: Don't shoot. [grabs Larry's hand] We gotta test that gun and see if it's the murder weapon.
LARRY: [points the gun at Moe] You're right. This gun may solve the crime.
SHEMP: Yeah, but wait a minute. If it doesn't---
LARRY: [points the gun at Shemp] We haven't got time to wait. We're late now.
MOE: Hey! Shemp's got a point there. If we---
LARRY: [points the gun at Moe] If if if. We gotta find out and right away.
MOE: Well--- [just realizes the gun is pointed at him] Nyaaahhh! Be careful with that thing.
[Moe grabs Larry arm and points the gun up to the ceiling and it fires. A chandelier gets shot and falls on Moe and Larry]
MOE: Who threw that?
LARRY: What's the matter with you?
[Someone knocks on the door]
MOE: Come in.
[A beautiful woman walks in to deliver a newspaper]
MOE: Oh a new newsboy girl, eh?
SHEMP: Baby, you can peddle your papers here any day. Heep eep eep eep eep eep!
LARRY: And how! She's beautiful.
NEWSPAPER WOMAN: [In a man's voice] Gosh fellas! Thanks a lot.
LARRY: [gives the woman a tip] Oh, here boy!
[Moe opens up the newspaper and reads it]
MOE: Councilman Goodrich threatened with death. Promise to clean up vice and corruption brings threat from racketeers.
LARRY: Councilman Goodrich??
MOE: Yeah, we did some investigating for him.
[The phone rings and the stooges answer it]
SHEMP: [singing] Hello!
MOE: [singing] Hello!
LARRY: [singing] Hello!
GOODRICH: Is this the "Miracle Detective Agency?"
STOOGES: [singing] Yes!
LARRY: The harmony's bad. We didn't have time to rehearse. Who is this?
GOODRICH: This is Councilman Goodrich. My niece inveigled me to come to her country estate and I fell for it. I think she and her husband are mixed up in rackets and I'm fearful for my life.
MOE: You don't say?
LARRY: [to Moe] He did say!!
MOE: [hits Larry with the phone] Quiet! [talks to Goodrich on the phone] Where are you, Mr. Goodrich?
GOODRICH: I'm at 13-13 Hysteria Terrace. You drive up Murder Gulch Highway along Bloody Creek until you come to Dead Man's Curve. Then, you turn right on Poison Den Road 'till you come to the cemetery. Past the cemetery, to Skeleton Flats and up Hysteria Terrace. And--- Good grief!! What a place to be stuck in!!
MOE: Don't let 'em kill you 'till we get there. We'll be right over.
[The stooges hang up the phone.]
MOE: Get the camera! No, wait a minute, we have to establish the time first [to Larry] Look at your watch.
LARRY: Ok, but you'll have to wait 'till I go to the pawn shop.
[Moe flings Larry's face]
MOE: Get away. [to Shemp] Hey! What does your watch say?
SHEMP: It don't say anything. You gotta look at it.
MOE: Mmmm. Hmm. [sticks out his fist] See that.
LARRY: Oh that's---
[Larry slaps Moe's fist and he bonks Larry and Shemp on the head]
[Moe accidentally pokes himself in the eyes]
LARRY: Here we are!
[Moe grabs Shemp and Larry by the hair]
MOE: Get the camera.
LARRY: Alright. Wait a minute.
[Moe pulls Shemp and Larry off-camera.]
[The camera cuts to Goodrich's room. He's at his desk lighting a cigar]
GOODRICH: I feel a lot safer already. [lights a cigar]
[The goon opens the door behind Goodrich and he grabs him]
GOODRICH: Aaaahhh! Ohh! Ohhh! [The goon knocks Goodrich out behind the desk]
[The butler, a henchman, and a woman walk in]
HENCHMAN: Very neatly done, Nikko. Take him away.
BUTLER: But sir, Mr. Goodrich phoned. The detectives are on the way.
WOMAN: Detectives! That's not good.
HENCHMAN: Don't worry, my sweet. They won't stay long. [opens his jacket pocket and shows a gun]
BUTLER: [takes out a knife] Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha.
WOMAN: [shows a bottle of toxic pills] Sleeping pills. The permanent kind.
[The scene transitions to a new scene at the front door. We hear the doorbell ring and the butler opens it. But before the butler can open the door all the way, Moe pushes his way through causing the door to hit the butler.]
[The stooges enter. Moe is holding a suitcase and Shemp is holding a big camera]
MOE: [grabs the butler] Stand where you are! We're detectives. What's going on around here? [to Moe and Shemp] Search the suspect.
MOE: A butler's always a suspect.
SHEMP: [gets ready to take a picture] Hold it for a still. [Moe and Larry pose next to the butler] Good! Think he moved. Wait a minute.
[Moe and Larry search the butler]
MOE: What did you find?
LARRY: Only this. [shows a watch]
MOE: Why you! [hits Larry with the watch breaking it]
SHEMP: Hold it! [takes a picture]
MOE: You're watch. [gives the butler back the watch]
BUTLER: [opens the door to the other room] Would you step in here please?
[The stooges enter the room]
MOE: Boy! What a creepy looking joint.
BUTLER: Swell place for a murder.
MOE: [pushes Shemp] Cut that out!
LARRY: Yeah, don't talk like that.
MOE: Nothing's gonna happen. Absolutely nothing! [hits Shemp on the head with the magnifying glass]
MOE: [to Larry] Come on
SHEMP: [to himself] He's right. What could happen? I guess I'm just the nervous type, I guess. Hehehehehe. [Carry's his camera and walks away. The goon comes out from the door behind Goodrich's desk and tries to grab Shemp, but Shemp walks away before he can grab him]
[The woman walks in]
MOE: We're detectives. Mr. Goodrich sent for us.
WOMAN: Oh? I'm his niece.
SHEMP: The niece is nice.
MOE: [grabs Shemp] Hold on! We're here on business.
SHEMP: I mean business. Oh!
MOE: [grabs Shemp] Wait a minute! Why you! [gets ready to punch Shemp]
SHEMP: Hold it! [takes out a pair of glasses] You know what this means. You can't give it the----
[Shemp puts on the glass and Moe still hits him in the face. We hear a crashing sound]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! The glass. Mmm. I'm framed. [sticks his fingers through the frames of the glasses]
WOMAN: I'm afraid something dreadful has happened. Uncle has disappeared.
WOMAN: He was sitting right over there. [points off-camera] Then suddenly, I heard a SCREAM!
STOOGES: Nyah! [The stooges grab each other]
SHEMP: [to Larry] Hey! Let go of me will ya.
WOMAN: Then, he was gone.
MOE: Well don't worry. We'll take care of everything. We'll find fingerprints. Get the camera ready. [to Larry] Come on, eagle!
[Moe and Larry approach Larry's desk and Moe kicks him in the rear]
MOE: Get busy!
[Larry opens a drawer and he hits Moe's face by accident]
LARRY: What's the matter?
MOE: Nothing! I— get that letter. [points to the open drawer]
LARRY: Which one? [sticks his hand in the drawer]
MOE: [closes the drawer on Larry's hand] That one!
LARRY: Ah ah! Oh oh oh!
MOE: Go on over and look for fingerprints.
SHEMP: [cleaning the lens of the camera] Oh look at that. He's got that pollen about the dreadnought. But I'll fix that. Stop down a quarter of a mile. That's about right.
[The camera squirts water in Shemp's face]
SHEMP: Somebody left some hypo in there.
MOE: [examining the desk with the magnifying glass] Oh, highly polished mahogany!
[Larry is right beside the desk and Moe accidentally looks at Larry's hair through the magnifying glass.]
MOE: And termites! [Larry looks up at the magnifying glass] With big blue eyes. I--- [takes the magnifying glass away and sees that it's Larry. He hits Larry with the magnifying glass] Get outta here.
MOE: [looks at the desk with the magnifying glass] Fingerprints!
SHEMP: Right! Ready with the camera, coming right up. [brings the camera over to the desk.]
LARRY: Ah ha! Fingerprints!
[Shemp gets ready to take a picture of the fingerprints but he aims the camera at the woman instead because he finds her attractive]
[Larry smiles at the camera]
SHEMP: [still has the camera aimed at the woman] Wow! What a doll!
[Moe grabs the camera, he looks through the lens at the opposite end. Shemp gets scared]
SHEMP: No! Moe! Larry! Help! There was an ugly looking thing staring right at me. It was horrible. What do you know? [to Moe] It was you. Hahahaha.
MOE: Hahahaha. You imbecile, we're getting no place fast. [grabs a tray at the desk and hits Shemp in the head with it]
WOMAN: May I make a suggestion?
WOMAN: Why not separate and search the place?
MOE: What an idea!
SHEMP: Why certainly.
WOMAN: One of you come with me.
[The stooges fight over who gets to go with the woman]
MOE: Come here.
LARRY: Wait a minute. I heard what the lady said.
MOE: Come on! [pulls Larry's head]
[The woman signals to Shemp and Shemp approaches her]
SHEMP: Leave us leave my sweet. [Moe kicks Shemp's rear] Oh! Don't you raise your hand to me.
[Shemp and the woman leave]
WOMAN: [to Moe and Larry] Now don't you go get yourselves murdered.
MOE: Oh, don't worry about us---
LARRY: Murder!!! [grabs Moe]
MOE: Nyahh!! Turn me loose. Like I told Shemp, there's nothing to be afraid of. Not a thing.
LARRY: Of course not!
MOE: And spread out.
[The goon comes out from the door behind Goodrich's desk and tries to grab Moe and Larry from behind. Moe grabs the camera and puts it over his shoulder hitting the goon. Moe and Larry walk away without ever seeing the goon]
[The camera cuts to another room where we see Shemp and the woman inside]
WOMAN: Let's have a little drink!
SHEMP: Heep. Heep. Oh boy, that's for me.
WOMAN: Now don't go away!
SHEMP: Oh, I won't.
[The woman walks over to the table and makes a drink for herself and Shemp. Shemp is standing against the wall in front of a picture. All of a sudden the picture tilts and makes a squeaking noise. Shemp hears something, turns around, and the picture quickly goes back to the way it was. Shemp admires the picture. His back is turned away from the woman.]
SHEMP: Hmm. Nice picture!
WOMAN: Yes, isn't it? [takes out the bottle of toxic pills]
[As soon as the woman attempts to drop the pill in Shemp's drink, Shemp turns around. She quickly hides her hand]
SHEMP: So natural it looked like the trees moved. [sits next to the woman] Hehehehe. Yes sir. I sure enjoy good pictures.
WOMAN: Well then, I'm sure you like that one. [points to Shemp's side of the room.]
[Shemp turns his head to his right and the woman drops the pill in Shemp's drink. Shemp hears something]
SHEMP: Oh yes, nice! Very nice. But you know, uh, I like that one much better. [points to the woman's side of the room]
[The woman turns her head to her left and Shemp switches the two glasses so the woman ends up getting the poisonous drink]
WOMAN: Oh you do, do you? It's by a very famous painter. The same one who painted that one. [points to Shemp's side of the room.]
[Shemp turns his head to his right and the woman pretends to switch the two glasses. So, the woman still has the poisonous drink. But Shemp thinks she really switched them]
SHEMP: Oh charming, charming. But my favorite is that one! [points to the woman's side of the room]
[The woman turns her head to her left and Shemp switches the two glasses so the he ends up getting the poisonous drink without knowing it]
WOMAN: It is lovely!
SHEMP: Yes, it is lovely!
[Shemp and the woman pick up their glasses]
WOMAN: Hahahaha. Well, cheerio!
SHEMP: A couple of pip pips. A little barbecue and what have you!
SHEMP AND THE WOMAN: Hahaha
WOMAN: A short life and a merry one.
SHEMP: You ain't kidding.
[Shemp and the woman drink]
SHEMP: How do you feel kiddo?
WOMAN: Fine fine! And you?
SHEMP: Oh great! I never felt better in my life. I'll never forget that--- [starts gasping]
[Shemp starts gasping for air and does his 'heep heep.' He gets up still gasping, he falls on the floor and starts spinning around. He continuously gasps for air as he's on the floor. Moe and Larry run into the room and grab Shemp. They pick him up]
MOE: Take it easy, kid.
SHEMP: Whoa whoa whoa!
MOE: Take it easy. Take it easy kid. What happened? What's the matter?
SHEMP: [points off-camera] That dame! She tried to poison me. [looks off-camera] She's gone!
LARRY: Uh oh! I'm scared. Let's get outta here.
MOE: Come on!
[The stooges run out of the room and they see the henchman running after them. He takes a shot at them, but misses.]
[The stooges quickly run into Goodrich's room and they run towards the desk]
SHEMP: [sees the phone on the desk] Hey, the phone. Let's call the cops.
MOE: [picks up the phone] Help! Help! [hangs up phone] It's dead! We're in a tough spot, men.
LARRY: Yeah, it's gonna take brains to get us outta here.
MOE: That's why I said we're in a tough spot.
[The goon enters from the door behind Goodrich's desk. He stands behind the stooges. They don't see him. Shemp turns around and sees him]
SHEMP: Eep! Heep heep heep heep heep!
MOE: Shut up! This is no time for singing.
LARRY: [turns around and sees the goon] Ahhhhh! [grabs Moe's arm in fear]
MOE: Let go of my arm! [bonks Larry head]
[The goon bonks Moe's head]
MOE: [turns to Shemp] Why you! [slaps Shemp]
[The goon slaps Moe]
MOE: [turns to Larry] What's the matter with you? [slaps Larry]
[The goon slaps Moe]
MOE: Oh! Why you! [turns around and sees the goon] Ahhhh! [The goon grabs Moe and Larry]
[The henchman is listening at the door]
MOE: Ahh! Ahhh!
[Shemp takes a vase and knocks the goon out. The stooges run away, they break the door down and escape the room. The door falls on the henchman. The henchman is stuck under the door]
HENCHMAN: Oh! Oh! Wait 'til I get my hands on you! Give me that gun. Give me that---
[The stooges get up, kick the gun away from the henchman and run away. They all run to different parts of the hallway]
[Moe runs to the corner of the hallway, he stands there and starts panting. Larry starts sneaking through the hallway on the other side of the corner. Moe peaks through the corner. Moe and Larry see each other and get scared. They run away]
MOE AND LARRY: Nyah!!
[Larry stops because he realizes it was Moe]
LARRY: Hey Moe! It's me. It's Larry. Moe. Moe. Moe. [The goon comes out from the room behind him. Larry sees a shadow and turns around] Nyahhh! [The goon grabs Larry]
MOE: Larry! Larry, is that you? Larry, say something, you nitwit! Where are you? [The goon lets go of Larry and walks up to Moe] Oh there you are! Hahaha! [grabs the goon thinking it's Larry, but suddenly realizes it's the goon] Nyah! [The goon grabs Moe]
[Moe bites the goons hand]
[Moe breaks free and runs. The goon chases after him. Moe runs by Shemp]
SHEMP: Hey Moe! Where are ya going? [The goon passes by and Shemp stops him] He got away from you, didn't he? [realizes it's the goon] Whoa! Whoa! Whoaa! [runs away]
[Shemp runs by Larry]
SHEMP: [to Larry] That thing! The goon! He's coming.
[The goon passes by Larry]
LARRY: [stops the goon] Hey! What'd he say? [realizes it's the goon] Yaaah! Ahhh! Ehh!
[Moe runs into a room and barricades the door. The goon tries to open the door, but can't, so he gives up and goes away. Moe approaches the door and pushes his way in]
[Larry grabs a small shovel and hits Moe on the head as he's pushing his way in. Moe falls on the floor. Larry suddenly realizes it's Moe]
LARRY: Oh! Moe! Come here. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. I thought you was the goon. Saying something. Say something.
MOE: Numbskull!! [Hits Larry in the head with both of his fists]
MOE: [grabs Larry's hair] Eyes on the head here!! You're nothing but a nitwit.
[The goon walks in and sneaks up behind Moe and Larry]
LARRY: Oh thank you!
[The goon grabs Moe and Larry's hair]
MOE: Thank you ow!!
LARRY: Let go. Ow!
MOE AND LARRY: Ow!
[The goon bumps Moe and Larry's head together]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh! [The goon bonks their heads again] Oh! [The goon bonks their heads again] Oh!
[Shemp walks in, takes a shovel and he hits the goon with the shovel four times as he still bonks Moe and Larry's head together. The goon finally gets knocked out and falls on the floor.]
SHEMP: I guess that takes care of handsome Harold.
MOE: Boy! You're a genius.
LARRY: Nice work kid.
SHEMP: Oh it's nothing. It's nothing at all. Hahaha. [walks over to the other side of the room] I'll never forget the first time I saved a couple of guys. It was in a pool room. Hahaha. I guy walks in, he says 'stick em up.' I says 'nothing scares me.'
[A door behind Shemp slides open and Goodrich is standing there stiff. He leans on Shemp.]
SHEMP: Will ya cut it out. Cut it out. [pushes Goodrich away]
SHEMP: He says 'yeah' and I says 'yeah' right back at him, I give him the--- [Goodrich leans on Shemp again]
SHEMP: What's the matter with you? I'm tired. Will you go and--- [turns around and sees Goodrich] Ah!! [runs up to Moe and points off-camera to Goodrich] Moe! Larry! A corpus! A corpus!
MOE: It's Old Man Goodrich!
[Goodrich falls on the floor]
[The stooges run outside and when they get to the hallway, they run into the henchman, the butler and the woman. The henchman takes out a gun and takes a shot, but misses.]
STOOGES: Oh! Nyah!!
[The stooges quickly run back into the room and lock the door.]
SHEMP: Moe! Larry! Look!
[Goodrich is slowly getting up]
MOE: He's alive.
[The stooges run up to Goodrich and help him up]
SHEMP: Take it easy, Mr. Goodrich! Everything's under control.
GOODRICH: You're the detectives?
GOODRICH: Thank goodness.
MOE: What happened?
GOODRICH: They tortured me to get my money. [starts crying]
[The goon wakes up and lets the henchman, butler and the woman inside]
HENCHMAN: [with a gun in his hand] There they are! Now get 'em.
[The henchman goes after Moe but Moe grabs his arms and he shoots the ceiling]
[Shemp hits the henchman in the head with the shovel. The butler is holding a knife to Goodrich.]
MOE: Hey! Hey!
[Moe grabs the butler's hand and Shemp hits the butler in the head with the shovel.]
MOE: Good work kid. Good work.
MOE AND SHEMP: Hahahahaha. [The goon gets up and bonks them both on the head] Oh!
HENCHMAN: [holding a gun] Stay where ya are! You're all covered.
[Goodrich shuts off the lights]
HENCHMAN: Who put out the lights? [shoots everywhere in the dark]
[The butler lights a match, he looks around and a shovel hits him]
[Goodrich lights a match]
GOODRICH: Be careful! [glass falls on his head]
[Moe lights a match]
MOE: Where are you? [a small object gets thrown in his eye] Oh!
[Shemp lights a match]
SHEMP: Here I am Moe! [turns around and sees the goon] Whoa! Whoa!
[Larry lights a match]
LARRY: Shemp! Are you ok? [two fists come from off-camera and they punch him in the face]
[The butler and goon accidentally hit each other with glass and they get knocked out]
[Good rich turns on the lights. The crooks are all knocked out. The stooges are on top of each other on the floor and Larry is punching Moe's face thinking he's a crook]
MOE: [as Larry punches him] Ow! Ow! Ow!
GOODRICH: It's all over boys! You can get up now. You beat 'em up. Haha. It's wonderful, wonderful. [to Shemp] Tell me, uh. How did you do it?
SHEMP: [holding up his shovel] I did it with my little shovel.
SHEMP: One of 'em was coming at me. [brings his shovel back and hits Moe behind him knocking him out]
SHEMP: I let him have it. [Turns towards Larry.] Another one kept at me from this side. [brings his shovel back and knocks out Goodrich who's behind him. He swings his shovel forward knocking Larry out as well.] Wang! Wang! I let him have it. [starts swinging his shovel] I started to swing left and right. Five of them started to come at me. Did that stop me? No. Wang! I--- [takes a swing, spins around and sees nobody around him]
SHEMP: Hey! Hey, where did everybody go? [looks on the floor and sees Moe, Larry and Goodrich on the floor knocked out]
SHEMP: [gasps] Moe! Larry! Wait for me!
[Shemp hits his own head with the shovel twice. He gets knocked out and falls on the floor. The scene ends.]