Transcription by xraffle:
Note- The stooges do not play themselves in this episode. However, I used their real names in this transcript to make it easier to figure out who's who. The stooges play the following characters:
[The short opens up outside the meeting room of the Woman Haters Club. The door reads: "Woman Haters (W-H) Club Rooms." We hear the sound of a gavel pounding]
CHAIRMAN: Gentlemen, please. The meeting is called to order and we need quiet. Not a riot.
[Dissolve into the meeting room]
CHAIRMAN: Otherwise we can't proceed. Listen, you woman haters. We meet for the seventh time to convince each member of the club that romance is a crime. If you have any questions or any suggestions that you'd like to make today, or if you have a notion to offer a motion, let's hear what you have to say. Come speak up like a hero. Your speech need not be rehearsed.
[Mr. Zero raises his hand]
CHAIRMAN: Who's that? Oh yes! It's Mr. Zero!
MR. ZERO: Alright! I'll speak up first. [stands up]
MR. ZERO: I'll give you my opinion of the opposite sexes. When a man marries a girl, he has to work while she relaxes. Some smart aleck wrote a book, 'The Woman Always Pays.' Yeah, she pays for perfume, powder, paint and every silly craze. But where does the money come from? From those dopey guys who fall. I say down with every guy who sings, 'My Life, My Love, My All.'
CHAIRMAN: Gentlemen, gentlemen, those in favor say 'aye.'
EVERYONE: Aye! Aye!
CHAIRMAN: Alright we'll pass that by.
[A member walks up to the door and peeks to see who's outside]
MEMBER: Mr. Chairman, three gentlemen wait without.
CHAIRMAN: Without what?
MEMBER: They wanna join our club today.
CHAIRMAN: Ok, admit them right away.
[The member opens the door and we see the stooges with their backs turned. The stooges turn around, push the member aside and the run inside the room]
CHAIRMAN: [to the stooges] In the name of the Woman Haters club, I welcome you. Do you three gentlemen understand what you're expected to do?
[Moe and Larry shake their heads while Curly nods. Moe looks at Curly and then Curly starts shaking his head]
CHAIRMAN: Now boys, relax. I said, relax. Now please, at ease. Relax, relax! [The stooges fall on the floor] I didn't tell you to break your backs.
[The stooges get up. The chairman helps Larry up]
CHAIRMAN: Stand up for the initiation.
[The chairman takes Larry's hand and puts it by his side. He does the same to Moe and then to Curly. He then closes Curly's eyes, then closes Moe's eyes, and then closes Larry's eyes. He then eyepokes Larry and shakes his hand. He then eyepokes Curly and shakes his hand. He then eyepokes Moe and walks to the side. Moe slaps Curly. Larry hits Moe and Moe slaps Larry. Moe is about to eyepoke Larry, but Curly holds his arm. Moe eyepokes Curly. Moe grabs Curly's head and slaps him. Curly falls to the floor]
CHAIRMAN: Please, please.
[Moe slaps Larry]
CHAIRMAN: Don't do that.
[Curly points his finger. As he points, Curly taps his derby hat on his head several times to make it sound like he's shooting a gun.]
[Moe and Larry grab the chairman.]
CHAIRMAN: Let go! Oh!
[The stooges push the chairman to the floor.]
[Curly grabs Moe's hair. Moe then slaps Curly in the head several times. The stooges stand on top of the chairman, who is lying on the floor]
CHAIRMAN: [as he's being stood on] I pronounce you members of the Woman Haters Club.
STOOGES: Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
[A new scene begins inside a restaurant. The stooges are eating at a table]
LARRY: Fellas, I'll have to quit that club I joined last week.
MOE AND CURLY: Quit the club?
LARRY: That's what I said.
MOE: Why, you big fathead, what do you mean? [takes a pretzel and hits Larry in the face with it]
LARRY: It's this way, I met a beautiful girl and fell head over heels in love.
MOE: Why, you must be outta your mind.
CURLY: You're crazy!
MOE: What are you thinking of?
LARRY: But I promised to marry her tonight.
MOE AND CURLY: Tonight?
MOE: Why, don't you know, if you violate the rules of the club, you're just as good as dead.
CURLY: If you get married, you'll be carried out and clubbed right on the head. [takes a celery and hits Larry on the head with it]
MOE: Down with the traitors of the Woman Haters Club. [grabs a seltzer bottle and sprays Larry in the face with it]
LARRY: Fellas, you've convinced me. I guess that you're right. I'll have to call the wedding off. I'll tell her tonight.
CURLY: That's fine, but how can we be certain you won't give us the double-cross?
LARRY: I'll put up my bankroll. If I miss, I'll take the loss. [takes out some money and hands it to Curly]
[Moe slaps Curly's hand as he tries to get the money from Larry]
MOE: I got a better idea than that. I'll tell you what let's do. [to Curly] Jackie, me and you, put up our bankrolls too. [takes out a piece of paper from his jacket pocket] We'll sign an agreement that we three will stick together for life and never even look at a girl and never take a wife.
[The stooges see an attractive woman walk by. She drops a veil. They quickly fall to the floor. They see an attractive woman sitting down with her legs crossed. Larry admires the woman's legs. Moe sees this, so he flings Larry's face. The stooges get up. Moe hands the veil to a woman. Her boyfriend looks at Moe in a weird way. The stooges stand next to the bar]
MOE: Now that you've signed, please bear in mind. From now on, no women around of any kind.
CURLY: Now the forfeit we'll post.
MOE: [to the bartender] Fill 'em up!
LARRY: Fill 'em up!
[The bartender gives the stooges three drinks]
MOE: Now, I'll make a toast. To the three musketeers, who've stuck along for years, we've traveled together in every kind of weather.
CURLY: What have you got to say for yourself?
LARRY: I've got plenty to say for myself. [Larry hiccups twice] I beg your pardon, mates. [lifts his glass] Here's to the finest salesmen in the whole United States.
MOE: Say, by the way, don't we leave for the road tonight?
CURLY: What day is this?
MOE: [looks at his watch] The twenty-first.
CURLY: By golly, you're right.
MOE: Let's hurry back. We gotta pack our samples for the trip.
LARRY: Ok, before we go, let's take another sip. [takes Moe's glass from the counter and hands it to Moe]
CURLY: [lifts his glass] Here's to our trip.
MOE: [to Larry] You'd better see your girl and offer her your sympathy.
CURLY: Tell her that the bride-to-be is not the bride-to-be. Right?
[Larry hiccups and then Moe Hiccups. Curly burps. Moe hits Curly with a celery.]
LARRY: Rain or shine or rain. I'll meet youse at the train. And now I'll tell the lady that I'll never see her again.
[The stooges bang their glasses together and they break, causing the drinks to spill everywhere]
[A new scene begins in room where several guests are in. Mary and her father are waiting for Larry to arrive.]
MARY'S FATHER: Daughter, it's late. Have you heard from Jim?
MARY: Now dad, he'll be here. Don't worry about him.
MARY'S FATHER: But the people are waitin'
[Larry enters the room]
MARY: Oh here he comes now. Hello Jim! [walks up to Larry and kisses him on the cheek]
LARRY: Can I see you privately in the next room?
MARY: Not now, dear. What's troubling you? Why all the gloom?
[Mary's father walks up to Larry]
MARY'S FATHER: [to all the guests] Friends of the family, meet the groom!
[All the guests walk up to Larry and greet him.]
MARY'S FATHER: Come on, son-in-law. Let's have a drink.
[Larry and Mary's father walk over to the side of the room to have a drink]
MARY'S FATHER: [lifts his glass] Well, here's to the happiest ending.
LARRY: Gee, I don't feel so hot.
MARY'S FATHER: Go on, you're joking. Sure you're pretending.
LARRY: Honestly father, I'm not.
MARY'S FATHER: That reminds me of a story. Listen. That's me other daughter there.
[Cut to the other daughter]
MARY'S FATHER: Well, on her wedding day, the fellow she was about to marry tried to run away. Did you ever hear of a nerve like that? Well I took care of that guy. In a room, I locked him, then I socked him right in the eye. [extends his fist in front of Larry's face. Larry looks frightened] Then I turned him over to me brother, the cop.
[Cut to the cop]
MARY'S FATHER: He just picked him up and spinned him around like a top. Then, me other brother, who's a fighter, began.
[Cut to the fighter. He makes a fist. Larry looks frightened.]
MARY'S FATHER: Son, I'm ashamed to tell you what he did to that man.
LARRY: Did he marry your daughter?
[Mary walks up to Larry]
MARY'S FATHER: Did he? I should say he did. There he is right over there. [points off-camera]
[Cut to the fellow who the other daughter married. He looks all beat up and is in crutches]
MARY'S FATHER: He'll be walking soon, poor kid.
MARY: Oh Jim! Let's go.
LARRY: Right now?
LARRY: [groans] Oh!
MARY'S FATHER: [to Larry] Good luck! [taps Larry in the back]
MARY: Let's go!
LARRY: [groans] Oh! Oh!
[Mary and Larry walk to the center of the room. The minister prepares to marry them]
MINISTER: [to Larry] Jim, do you take Mary for your lawful wedded wife?
[Larry turns around and the cop gives him a dirty look]
LARRY: [to the minister in a frightened way] I do.
MINISTER: Mary, do you promise to love him, share his joy and share his strife?
MARY: Oh I do!
MINISTER: [to Larry] Place the ring upon her finger.
[Larry takes the ring from the minister and places it on Mary's thumb]
MINISTER: Not that one, the other finger. [Larry places the ring correctly on Mary's ring finger] I pronounce you man and wife.
[Mary and Larry hug and everyone cheers]
[A new scene begins inside the train. Mary and Larry enter their drawing room. The porter follows them into the room to help them with their baggage.]
MARY: Honey, we're two hours early. Why did we get here so soon?
LARRY: Just so we can be alone for a while. Alone on our honeymoon.
MARY: [hugs Larry] Oh darling, you're so thoughtful.
LARRY: Catch on?
MARY: You bet I do.
PORTER: [to Larry] Is that all, sir?
LARRY: Yeah, that's all that I want with you.
MARY: We're away from the crowd. Oh dear, oh dear! Whew! What a relief!
LARRY: [gives the porter a tip] Here you are!
PORTER: Oh thank you, sir. Just ring if you want me, chief. [leaves the room]
MARY: [puts her arms around Larry] Oh darling, I'm so happy that we're married at last. You know something? I'm gonna try and make you happy too.
LARRY: I can't believe it. It all happened so fast. Dear, can I ask a little favor of you?
MARY: Why certainly!
LARRY: I want you to promise to keep our marriage a secret. What do you say?
MARY: Why, the idea! [pushes Larry] Are you ashamed of me? [starts crying and sits down] Oh, you're starting out in a nice way.
LARRY: It's not that. I might meet some friends on the train that'll try to kid me along.
MARY: I dare them to kid you along.
LARRY: Ok, I guess I'm wrong. [starts singing] For you! For you, my life, my love, my all!
MARY: [singing] We'll see the evening twilight falling.
LARRY: [singing] I'll come home to you.
MARY: [singing] Calling…
LARRY: [singing] You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
MARY: [singing] You'll croon!
LARRY: [singing] Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo
MARY: [singing] A little song about the moon
[Larry tries to whistle, but he can't]
LARRY: [singing] And when I'm finished with my crooning, on my knees I fall [falls on his knees and he ends up accidentally banging it on the floor]
MARY AND LARRY: [singing] My life, my love, my all!
[Mary and Larry hug and they accidentally bang cheeks]
[Cut to Moe and Curly. They are sitting at a different part of the train.]
TRAIN CONDUCTOR: [gives Moe a piece of paper] There! Say, what's that button that you wear? W-H? What can that be?
CURLY: Woman Haters!
TRAIN CONDUCTOR: Oh I see.
MOE: That's our organization!
TRAIN CONDUCTOR: It appeals to me somehow.
CURLY: Would you like to join?
TRAIN CONDUCTOR: Yes sir!
MOE: Ok, we'll initiate you now.
[Moe takes off the conductor's hat and makes him hold onto it. Moe takes the conductor's hand and places it by his side. Moe bonks Curly on the head. Moe closes the conductor's eyes and shakes Curly's hand. Moe then tries to eyepoke the conductor but Curly holds his arm. Moe eyepokes Curly. Moe then eyepokes the conductor.]
MOE: I now pronounce you a member of the Woman Haters Club. [puts a pin on the conductor.]
[Moe and the conductor shake hands. The conductor leaves. The porter walks by]
CURLY: [to the porter] Say! Did you see a curly-headed fella?
PORTER: Sure enough. He's in there with a lady. Brother, she hot stuff!
[Moe and Curly start running. Curly falls on the floor, so Moe helps him up.]
[Cut to Larry and Mary's drawing room. Mary is playing with Larry's hair. Suddenly, she sees the pin Larry is wearing that says "W.H."]
MARY: Honey, W-H? What does that mean?
LARRY: [removes his pin and starts thinking.] Wonderful honeymoon.
MARY: [silently] Oh!
[Moe and Curly walk in. Larry quickly pushes Mary onto the other chair]
MARY: [to Larry] What does this mean? Are you crazy or what?
LARRY: You fainted, did you forgot?
CURLY: [to Moe] What do you think, Tommy?
MOE: It's tommyrot. [grabs Larry] Come here. Come here! [pulls Larry by the hair]
MARY: Is there something I can do, dear?
[The stooges leave the room]
MARY: [to herself] Well, I wonder what that's all about. Is it possible he's a thief? Something tells me this marriage of mine is going to end in grief?
[Cut to the stooges who are walking down the hallway of the train.]
[Cut back to Mary's drawing room]
MARY: I guess the best way to settle this matter is to attend to it myself. [leaves the room]
[Cut to the end of the train. Larry and Curly are sitting on the bench while Moe stands]
LARRY: Fellas I tell ya, you got me all wrong. I was minding my own business when that woman came along.
[Mary walks up to the glass door and hears the conversation the stooges are having]
LARRY: Suddenly, she fainted. Now, I'm asking you, if a woman faints right in your arms, what is there to do? You don't think that I'd fool around with a sappy dame like that? Her eyes are like a cat and her hair is like a rat.
MOE: Well, just the same, we signed a paper and that paper reads, no woman shall enter our lives no matter what she needs.
CURLY: And the next time you're with a girl, you're gonna forfeit your dough. And furthermore, you have no right---
LARRY: Alright, alright, I know.
[The stooges see Mary behind the glass door. Mary opens the door and walks up to Moe]
MARY: [singing to Moe] Oh, I'm in trouble, a lot of trouble. I really don't know what to do. Can I get some help from you?
MOE: Tell me, is it really serious?
MARY: [singing] You'll never know how serious.
CURLY: Let me help her, she's delirious!
[Mary faints in Moe's arms]
LARRY: Look! [singing] She's gonna faint.
MOE: Oh no, she ain't.
MARY: [singing] Oh I can't bear it. [places her arms around Moe] I can't go on. Won't someone help me to my room or I'll go right to my doom.
MOE: Well, little girl, if that's the case, I'll go with you almost anyplace.
MARY: Oh thank you! [sticks her tongue out at Larry]
MOE: Ok, toots.
MARY: Thank you! [sticks her tongue out at Larry again]
[Mary and Moe leave]
[Larry wants to get up and follow them but Curly stops him]
LARRY: Now let me out of here.
CURLY: You stay where you are. I'll find out what's going on in the next car.
LARRY: I insist. You stay here. I got to go. [gets up]
CURLY: [pushes Larry back down] You insist?
LARRY: [stands up to Curly] Yes, I insist!!
CURLY: Oh, is that so?
LARRY: Listen, I know how to handle her. I've done it before.
CURLY: You give me the works before. You can't do it no more.
LARRY: You'll make me mad. I'm losing my temper. I'm warning you!
CURLY: So, you're trying to bulldoze me? What are you gonna do?
LARRY: [yells] You're making me mad. I'm losing my temper! Come on, get out of my way!
CURLY: No, I won't get out of your way. [slaps Larry on the head] Right here is where I'll stay.
[Larry slaps Curly back. Larry and Curly start fighting. The train conductor walks in and stops them]
TRAIN CONDUCTOR: Say! What's the idea of this rough stuff? I've stood enough guff from you two. Now you behave!
LARRY: Well, we weren't gonna bother anybody, mister. We're just a couple of---
[Larry and Curly starting running out the door]
[Cut to the hallway. Larry and Curly walk down the hallway and stand outside Mary's dressing room. They hear Moe sing to Mary]
MOE: [singing] For you! For you, my life, my love, my all!
MARY: [singing] We'll see the evening twilight falling.
[Cut to the Curly and Larry. Curly is peaking through the keyhole. Larry's slaps Curly on the head. Larry then peeks through the keyhole. Curly kicks Larry in the rear]
MOE: [singing] I'll come home to you.
[Cut back to the inside of the dressing room]
MARY: [singing] Calling…
MOE: [singing] You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo hoo!
MARY: [singing] You'll croon!
MOE: [singing] Boo-boo-boo-boo
MARY: [singing] A little song beneath the moon
[Moe tries to whistle but he can't]
[Cut to the Curly and Larry. They both bend down and bump heads]
MARY: [singing] And when you're finished with your crooning
[Cut to the inside of the dressing room. Moe gets down on his knees]
MOE AND MARY: [singing] On my knees I fall, my life, my love, my all!
[Curly and Larry walk in]
LARRY: [slaps Moe on the head] Come on, explain yourself and you better do it quick!
MARY: Breaking into my room this way is the lowest kind of a trick.
LARRY: But darling---
MOE AND CURLY: Darling?
LARRY: [to Moe] Oh I forgot. I though I was talking to you.
MOE: Me? Where do you get that stuff? What are you trying to do?
CURLY: [to Moe] What are you doing here with this gal? That's what I want to know.
MOE: Come on outside and I'll tell ya.
LARRY: Alright, come on. Let's go.
[Larry signals to Moe to go first, but Moe insists that Larry go out first. Larry still insists that Moe leave first. Moe eyepokes Larry. Larry leaves. Moe and Curly bow to each other. Moe hits Curly on the forehead. Moe leaves. Curly is about to follow but Mary pulls him]
[Cut to the hallway. Larry and Moe are walking down the hallway. Two attractive women pass by. Larry looks at them and admires them. Moe pushes Larry. Suddenly, they realize that Curly is missing]
LARRY: Where's Jackie?
[Moe and Larry run back to Mary's dressing room.]
[Cut to the Mary's dressing room]
MARY: [singing to Curly] Oh come to me! Come to me! Tell me I'm your heart's desire. [grabs Curly's face] Oh come to me! Come to me! [tries to put her arms around Curly, but Curly pushes her arms away] Let me feel the bliss of your maddening kiss.
LARRY: [bangs on the door] Open that door or I'll break it down!
[Moe and Larry continue to bang on the door]
MARY: Oh! Oh!
[Curly tries to hide under the couch, but he can't fit]
MOE: [yelling from the hallway] Remember, you're a woman hater.
MARY: Oh! [tries to push Curly under the couch, but he won't fit]
MARY: Ok, under there. [points to the other chair]
[Curly stands there looking lost]
MARY: [points to the other chair again] Under here! Under here!
MOE: You can't get away with it!
[Curly tries to hide under the other chair, but he can't fit]
[Moe bangs on the door with his head. Larry bangs on the door. Moe slaps Larry and Larry slaps him back. Moe slaps Larry. Larry then continues to bang on the door]
MARY: [to Curly] Play dead! Play dead!
[Curly lies on the couch and plays dead]
[Larry and Moe break into the room]
MARY: Shh! The poor boy is ill. Be quiet till he awakes.
[Mary feels Curly's head. Curly opens his eyes and Mary slaps him]
MARY: [to Moe] Fever, he's hot.
MOE: Don't worry. [singing] I got what it takes to cure him. [makes a fist]
MARY: [pushes Moe] Don't you dare strike him!
LARRY: What's the matter? Do you like him?
MARY: [to Larry] If you dare to lay a hand on him, I'll scream!
[Moe pushes Mary aside]
MARY: [screams] Ahhh!
[Moe walks up to Curly. He hits Curly in stomach and eyepokes him. He does this one more time. He then slaps Curly in the face several times. Curly points off camera. Larry and Mary are hugging. Moe walks up to Larry and taps him, but he won't respond. He then pulls Larry's hair, grabs his nose, and hits it.]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk
[Moe slaps Curly. Moe then grabs Larry away from Mary]
MOE: [to Larry and Curly] Come on now. Scram, ya mugs! Did you hear what I said? [to Mary] And don't disturb us again, we're going to bed.
[A new scene begins. Moe, Larry and Curly are sleeping at their births. Moe and Larry are sleeping together in the lower birth while Curly sleeps in the upper birth. As he is sleeping, Larry is hugging and kissing his pillow. Suddenly he awakes and he tries to sneak out of bed. When Larry gets up, he falls down and his hand gets stuck on a small pot. As he tries to get it off, it flies off and hits Moe. Moe awakes.]
MOE: Oh! Get in there, up against the wall!
[Larry and Moe switch places on the bed. Moe now tries to sneak out but Larry grabs onto Moe's pajamas. Moe and Larry fight for a short time and they fall asleep.]
[Curly wakes up and hits his head on the pole that's on top of his birth. He hits his head again. He gives the pole an annoyed look. He then tries to sneak out of his upper birth. As he tries to climb down his birth, Moe grabs his foot and bites it]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo!
[Curly falls off of his upper birth. Moe and Larry try to fight Curly and they fall to the floor. They're now on top of each other. As they're on the floor, Moe slap Curly and Curly slaps Larry. They do this several times]
MOE: [to Curly as he slaps him] What are you doing? What are you looking for?
LARRY: Let me out. Let me out of here!
[Mary walks up to the stooges]
MARY: Oh, a couple of acrobats!
[The stooges get up and sit on their lower birth]
MARY: Now you pay attention and you might get a big surprise. [slaps Curly] I'll relieve your tension by telling you that I'm wise. [points to Larry] This man's my husband. We were married a couple of hours ago and the agreement that you fellas signed is false and it don't go. Because everybody had cheated. [slaps Curly again] I can prove it and I know. Move over!
[Mary pushes Moe and Curly out of the window of the train]
LARRY: Move over?
[Moe and Curly fall out of the window of the train]
[A new scene begins in the Woman Hater's meeting room. This time, everyone is now old.]
CHAIRMAN: [pounds the gavel] The thirtieth meeting of the Woman Hater's Club is called.
[Moe and Curly are at the table playing a game. Moe slaps Curly's hand. He then tries to eyepoke Curly, but he can't because his hand is shaking due to old age. Curly mocks him. Moe flings Curly's face]
MR. ZERO: Mr. Chairman, there's a man outside.
CHAIRMAN: Tell him to come inside.
[Old Larry enters. He is walking with a cane]
CHAIRMAN: [to Larry] Well, what do you want?
LARRY: I wanna join the Woman Hater's Club. [singing] For you! For you, my life, my love, my all!
[Curly bows to Moe and Moe hits him in the forehead. Moe and Curly run back and forth]
LARRY: [singing] Each evening when the twilight's falling.
[Curly bows to Moe and Moe hits him in the forehead.]
LARRY: [singing] I'll come home to you. Calling…
MOE AND CURLY: [singing] Ah you-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[Larry gets startled]
LARRY: [singing] I'll croon!
[Moe eyepokes Curly]
LARRY: [singing] A little song about the moon
[Larry whistles in his cane. Moe slaps him in the head]
LARRY: [singing] And when I'm finished…
STOOGES: [singing] With my crooning, on my knees I fall.
[The stooges kneel down]
CURLY: My life [Moe slaps Curly]
LARRY: My love [Moe slaps Larry]
MOE: [singing] My all!
[Curly and Larry punch Moe in the face. Moe then flings Larry and Curly in the face with both of his hands. The scene ends]