Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-11-04
[The short opens up on a sign that reads: “Jive Café- A Speed Feed, A Short Snort”]
[Dissolve to the inside of the Jive Café. A customer is sitting at the counter. Moe walks up to him.]
MOE: What strikes you fancy Mister?
CUSTOMER #1: Hot cakes!
MOE: Service with a smile. [calls out to Curly in the kitchen] Hotcakes on one!
[Cut to Curly in the kitchen]
CURLY: [yells out to Moe] Collision mats, on one!
[Curly lights up the stove and steps back. The stove blows up and the flame starts. Curly walks up to the stove. He takes the container of pancake mix and shakes it. He tries to squeeze the liquid onto the pan but nothing is coming out.]
CURLY: Hmm! [tries to squeeze it again but nothing comes out] Hmm.
[Curly turns the container around, he squeezes it, and the liquid squirts all over his face]
CURLY: Huh!! [takes a towel and wipes his face]
[We hear the soup boiling and bubbling]
CURLY: Oh the soup!
[Curly walks up to the pot of soup and tries to lift the cover but it’s hot]
CURLY: Ah!!! Ah! [grabs a round cotton fabric] Oh! [lifts the cover off of the pot with the round cotton fabric]
[Curly throws the round cotton fabric away and it lands on a small plate on the table]
MOE: [calling Curly] What about my hotcakes on one?
CURLY: Hotcakes? I dunno--- [turns around, sees the round cotton fabric on the plate and thinks it’s hotcakes] Oh there they are? [yelling out to Moe] Collision mats, on one!
[Curly presses a button on the table and Curly’s special invention pushes the plate over to the counter the customer is sitting]
CUSTOMER #1: Say, that’s what I call service.
MOE: Yeah, it’s a little gadget my chef invented. [puts a small container of syrup on the counter]
MOE: Hahahahaha. Coffee?
CUSTOMER #1: Yeah.
[Moe turns around to make the coffee. The customer tries to cut the “hotcakes” with his fork and knife, but he’s having a hard time because it’s cotton fabric instead of hotcakes. He tries to put a lot of pressure on his fork and knife so he can cut it, but the utensils bend and get destroyed. The customer throws his utensils down at the table and yells at Moe. Moe turns around]
CUSTOMER #1: [yelling at Moe] Hey! These hotcakes must be made out of reclaimed rubber.
[Curly comes out of the kitchen and walks up to the counter. He has a large knife in his hand]
CUSTOMER #1: [to Moe] Where’s your chef?
CURLY: [points his knife to the customer] Are you casting asparagus on my cooking!
CUSTOMER #1: Yeah, I can’t eat these. Lemme see you eat ‘em. [slides the plate of “hotcakes” to Curly and it bumps into his stomach]
CURLY: Oh, siotenly.
[Curly takes out a fork and cuts the “hotcakes” up with this large knife. He eats a piece. As he is chewing, he doesn’t like the taste, but he tries to smile and pretend he likes it]
MOE: [to the customer] Well, I guess that proves they’re ok. [to Curly] Verify it. Tell him!
CURLY: Hmm!
[Moe punches Curly in the stomach and he starts blowing feathers]
CURLY: Oh! [leaves]
[Cut to Larry waiting on another customer at the end of the counter]
CUSTOMER #2: Hey! I’ll have a bowl of chicken soup.
LARRY: Say, how about our---
CUSTOMER #2: I said soup!!
LARRY: Oh, you’ve been here before!
CUSTOMER #2: Yeah!
LARRY: [yelling to Curly] One chicken soup on three.
[Cut to Curly in the kitchen]
CURLY: [yelling out to Larry] One cackle soup on three.
[Curly walks up to the fridge and grabs a whole chicken. He takes a kettle of hot water from the stove and pours the water over the chicken, letting the hot liquid drip onto a bowl. After he finishes pour the water, he shakes the chicken a little bit by moving its legs. He puts the chicken on a plate and grabs the bowl of soup.]
CURLY: [singing] La lee la lee.
[Curly walks up to the table and places the bowl of soup on it.]
CURLY: [yelling out to Larry] A cackle soup on three.
[Curly presses a button on the table and Curly’s special invention pushes the bowl of soup over to the counter the customer is sitting, but the soup ends up falling off of the table because it was pushed too hard. Moe is at the end of the table and he is bending down sweeping. The bowl of soup falls on Moe’s back and burns him]
MOE: Whoa whoa whoa! Whoa!
[Moe climbs over the table and runs after Curly in the kitchen. Moe looks through the open window near the kitchen and he sees Curly removing the corn off of a cob using a pair of pincers.]
MOE: Hey you, Steinmetz! What ya got? A new invention?
CURLY: Yeah, a new way to make corn fritters. Not bad, eh? [shows the pincers to Moe]
MOE: [grabs the pincer from Curly] Pretty good!
CURLY: I got a million of ‘em. I got one idea where I--- [Moe pinches Curly’s nose with the pincer] Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah ah ah! Ah ah! [Moe hits Curly in the forehead with the pincer] Oh!
MOE: Now!
[Curly throws a rag in Moe’s face and closes the window]
MOE: Oh! Are you there, chefy?
CURLY: Yeah and I’m gonna stay here. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! [Moe punches the closed window and we hear Curly yelling in pain] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
LARRY: [calling out to Curly] Four eggs! Two hard boiled and two to fry.
CURLY: [yelling out to Larry] Right!
[Above Curly is a chicken and under the chicken is a long pipe]
CURLY: [to the chicken] Four eggs! Two hard boiled and two to fry.
[Two eggs slide down the pipe. A third one comes down]
CURLY: [holding the third egg up] Hard boiled? [throws the egg down on the table and it bounces. He catches it] Right! One more hard boiled.
[A fourth egg slides down the pipe. Curly tries to bounce the egg on the table but it breaks]
CURLY: Oh! [calling out to Larry] One will have to be scrambled! [to the chicken] One more trick like that and you’ll wind up southern fried.
[Curly walks over to the stove. He breaks the two eggs on the pan and he also puts the egg shells in the pan as well. As he tries to fry the eggs, he realizes the stove is not lit.]
CURLY: Oh! [puts the pan aside]
[Curly lights the stove and steps back. The stove doesn’t blow up]
CURLY: Come on, come on! [the stove still doesn’t blow up] Hmm! Hmm!
[Curly grabs the pan, puts it on top of the stove, and the stove blows up on Curly. The eggs fly off the pan and the eggs land on Moe’s face]
CURLY: Ah!
[Curly turns around and see the eggs on Moe’s face]
CURLY: Nyah ah! Nyah ah!
[The two yokes on the eggs end up on top of Moe’s eyes, making it look like he’s wearing a mask. The yokes fall off.]
CURLY: Where are you going? To a Halloween party?
[Moe wipes the eggs off his face. He grabs a butcher knife to the table]
CURLY: No no no, not that!! No!
MOE: I’m gonna chop your ears off!
CURLY: Woo!
[Curly climbs over the table. As Moe runs up to the table to try and chop Curly up, he accidentally pushes the button. Curly’s special invention pushes Curly out of the kitchen.]
CURLY: Whoa!
[Curly hits his head onto the cash register. As soon as he hits his head, a “No sale” sign pops up on the cash register]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the same café. Curly is painting the menu sign while Moe is taking the pies from the pastry vendor and placing them on the shelf.]
MOE: Last week’s pies were not so hot.
[Moe finishes putting up the pies on the shelf]
MOE: Ah, sixteen! [The pastry vendor gives Moe the bill] Oh, just put it on my account.
PASTRY VENDOR: Nothing doing. Your pastry bill is ninety seven dollars now. If I don’t collect, the stuff goes back. No more credit.
MOE: How ‘bout a cup of coffee? [leaves]
[The pastry vendor continues to write something down. Moe places a cup of coffee on the counter. Curly passes by and places the cup of paint next to the coffee. Curly sees the coffee]
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly takes the cup of coffee, drinks it and leaves, taking the coffee with him. The pastry vendor doesn’t see this because he’s too busy writing something down. He grabs the cup of paint Curly left, thinking it’s coffee. He drinks it]
PASTRY VENDOR: [realizes he drank paint, he yells to Moe] Hey! This coffee tastes like paint!
MOE: Paint?
[Moe grabs the cup of paint and drinks it. He spits it out]
MOE: By golly! It is paint.
[Curly walks up to Moe]
CURLY: What’s the matter?
MOE: I just drank some paint.
CURLY: Why, that’s silly! I always drink coffee. [shows Moe the cup of coffee in his hand and drinks it]
[Moe sees the paintbrush in Curly’s hand and grabs it]
MOE: Paint, eh! Lemme see your tongue.
[Curly sticks out his tongue and Moe paints it with the paintbrush]
CURLY: Aaahhh! Oh!
[Moe wipes Curly’s face with the paintbrush and pushes him away]
MOE: Now get back there and get busy. That’s the trouble we have with help nowadays.
CURLY: Uhh!
[Moe takes his chef uniform and ties it around his waist. As he ties it around his waist, he accidentally ties it to the shelf of pies as well.]
PASTRY VENDOR: Well do I get my ninety seven bucks or do I get the pastry back?
MOE: Well, I guess the stuff goes back. [to Curly] Give it to him.
CURLY: No!!
PASTRY VENDOR: [yells] Give it to me!
CURLY: Ruff!
[Curly moves forward and he ends up pulling down the shelf of pies. All the pies fall on the pastry vendor]
PASTRY VENDOR: That does it! If I don’t get my dough by Monday, I take over this restaurant.
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins. We see a shot of a car that says: “Sellwell Advertising Co.” on the window]
[Cut to the stooges and an advertising man]
LARRY: Say, what does this job pay?
MOE: Yeah, do you think we can earn ninety seven bucks by Monday?
ADVERTISING MAN: Well it’s up to you. You get a penny a poster for every one you put up. Now, make it snappy. [leaves]
CURLY: [to Moe] Oh boy! Hahaha.
MOE: [grabs Curly] Hey, whiz kid. If we get a penny a poster and hang twenty five a day. When will we have ninety seven bucks?
[Curly starts drawing in the air with his fingers. He then spits on his hand and pretends to erase something. He continues to draw in the air again.]
CURLY: Sunday night!
MOE: Good.
CURLY: 1992. Haha---
[Moe punches Curly in the face]
MOE: Why!
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly moves backwards and he ends up stepping on a bucket of paste. He tries the remove the paste off his foot by kicking it off. The paste goes flying and it lands on Moe’s face.]
CURLY: [sees Moe with the paste on his face] Nyah ah ah ah ah ah ah! [runs away]
[Moe wipes the paste off his face with his hand and throws it down in anger]
[Moe walks up to Curly who is putting up a poster on the fence. The poster is upside down,]
CURLY: [singing] Laa leeee la. [looking at the upside down poster] Ohhh! [to Moe] Hey! What kinda language is that?
MOE: It’s upside down. Rectify it!
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly removes a part of the fence, turns it around and bangs it back in place. The poster is now rightside up. The poster reads: “Carrot County Fair. August 8th to 15th. Special Event- Milking Contest. $100 To Win”]
LARRY: Oh boy! A hundred bucks just for milking a cow.
MOE: That’s better than hanging posters. [to Curly] Hey! You’re in the contest.
CURLY: Me?! I never even saw a cow.
[We hear a grunting sound. Moe looks through the fence and we see a bull. Moe thinks it’s a cow]
MOE: [to Curly] You’re gonna see one now. Go on in there and get some practice.
CURLY: Oh please. You’re---
MOE: Go on! [grabs Curly by the ear and forces him to go to the other side of the fence]
CURLY: Oh oh oh oh!
MOE: Get going in there.
[Curly enters the other side of the fence]
CURLY: [to the bull] Oh. This is all your fault. Come here, cow!
MOE: Boy! Now we’re really in the money!
LARRY: Yep, nothing to do but collect.
[We hear a crunch sound. Curly comes flying over the fence]
CURLY: Eeeoooooww! Oh!
[Moe and Larry run over to Curly and pick him up]
MOE: What’s the idea coming out so quick? I thought I told you to get some practice.
CURLY: The cow didn’t know that. He threw me out.
MOE: He did?! Well we’ll fix that. [to Larry] Hey! Get the blanket outta the car.
[Larry leaves]
MOE: [to Curly] Now, you get back in there. If it happens again, we’ll catch ya.
CURLY: It won’t happen again.
MOE: No?
CURLY: No, I’m not going in there again!!
MOE: Oh, lettin’ us down, eh!! [pulls Curly by the ear]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah!
MOE: Come on. Do your stuff!
[Moe forces Curly to go to the other side of the gate again. Larry comes in with the blanket. Moe and Larry hold out the blanket and they get ready to catch Curly]
[We hear a crunch sound. Curly comes flying over the fence again. He falls on a spot far away from Moe and Larry. Moe and Larry run over to Curly and pick him up]
MOE: Get up outta here! What’s the idea of crossing us up?
CURLY: Didn’t you hear me coming?
MOE: No! [Moe pulls a whistle out of his pocket] Here! Take that whistle. Next time, before you start, blow it. Go on. Get going! [pushes Curly]
CURLY: Hmm! [enters the other side of the gate]
[Moe and Larry open up the blanket and get ready to catch Curly. We hear Curly whistling and we hear the crunch sound. Moe and Larry look up and they spot Curly up in the air.]
MOE: There he comes.
LARRY: There he goes.
[Moe and Larry run around to try and catch Curly. They run up to the pole and the blanket gets caught on the pole. Moe and Larry bump into each other and fall. We hear a “boing” sound. Moe and Larry look up. Curly’s suspenders are caught on top of the electricity pole. The suspenders Curly is wearing is making him move up and down. As Curly moves up and down, he hits his head on the top of the pole several times]
CURLY: Oh oh oh! Woo!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with a shot of the “Carrot County Fair”]
[Dissolve to the stooges. In front of the stooges is a board that has a picture of a cow drawn on it. It shows the different parts of the cow. Moe has a pointer in his hand]
MOE: Now you see what a cow is made of! There’s the whole layout.
LARRY: Yeah, but where do you get the milk from?
CURLY: Yeah yeah!
MOE: [points at the picture with his pointer] Well, there’s a pipeline that connects the spareribs and comes down through the chop liver connected by a homophagel through the meat loaf. You drop up here to liverwurst and a straight drop down to the auto club, where you get your three gallons.
CURLY: Of milk?
MOE: No! Gas!
[Moe turns around and gives Curly an annoyed look.]
MOE: Yeah, where was I? Oh yes. [points at the cow picture with his pointer] Then you get the pometa side of the thing here and around the sukiyaki, you get the pondersets here. And that leaves the frankfurters and that’s it.
CURLY: Oh!
MOE: Is that clear?
CURLY: Yeah, that’s clear! But where do you get the milk?
[Moe pushes Curly down on the chair]
MOE: Sit down and start practicing! What’s the matter with you? Get your hands on there.
[Next to Curly is a big container of milk with a rubber glove attached to it. Curly gets ready to milk it in order to practice for the contest]
MOE: Ready?
CURLY: Ready!
MOE: Go!
CURLY: Go!
[Curly starts milking the glove]
MOE: [as he looks at his stopwatch] Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke! [Curly keeps milking faster and faster] Faster!! [milk squirts in Moe’s face] Oh!
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: Ohh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh oh!
MOE: I said faster! [more milk squirts in his face] Hmm!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins at the milking contest]
REFEREE: Introducing the undisputed milking champion of Carrot County!
[The Champ, Curly’s opponent, raises his hands as the audience applauds]
REFEREE: And here comes the challenger, K.O. Bossy!
[The stooges approach the ring. Curly is pretending to bang on a drum]
MOE: [taps Curly] Hey, cut it out! [gives Curly a pole with several pails hanging on it] Here!
[As Curly tries to climb over the ropes of the ring, the pails slide off the pole. Two pails land on Moe and Larry’s head. Moe and Larry crash into each other because they can’t see anything with the pails over their head. Larry pulls the pail off his head]
MOE: [pulls the pail off his head, but the handle hits his face] Oh!
[Moe and Larry run up to Curly]
MOE: What are you---? [takes the pole from Curly and throws it on the floor] Get under the rope! What’s the matter with you!
[Curly goes under the rope, while Moe and Larry step on it to climb over it. As Moe and Larry step on the rope, Curly’s neck gets caught on the rope]
CURLY: Yah ah ah ah ah!
MOE: Hey! Get up out of there! [to Larry] Get your foot off! [helps Curly from under the rope] Come on, you.
[Moe lifts the rope up]
MOE: Get under there!
[The stooges go under the ropes]
MOE: Get--- [pushes Curly]
CURLY: Hmm!
[The stooges walk up to the center of the ring]
REFEREE: Champ! Meet K.O. Bossy.
[Champ has a very mean look on his face]
CURLY: Nyah! Ah ah!
[Moe taps Curly’s head]
REFEREE: Now, you know the rules. This contest goes four rounds and the guy who gets the most milk is the winner. Now, shake hands and come out milking.
[Champ grabs Curly’s hand and he shakes it real hard]
CURLY: [falls on the floor] Oh oh! Oh oh! Oh oh!
CURLY: [gets up] Hmm!
CHAMP: Mmm!
CURLY: Yah ah ah! Ah ah ah! [walks backwards and backs into the corner of the ring where Moe and Larry are in]
[Moe and Larry remove Curly’s robe. Curly sits down.]
[Champ extends his arm to try to scare Curly. Curly’s right leg shakes]
MOE: What’s the matter, kid? You nervous?
CURLY: [points to his right knee] Just in that knee.
MOE: Oh!
[The referee blows the whistle]
CURLY: [gets up and stretches] Hmm mm mm!
[The bell rings. Champ and Curly walk up to the center of the ring and they bump into each other]
CURLY: Ohh! Ruff!
CHAMP: Arf!!!!!
[Curly starts whining like a dog and he runs up to Moe]
MOE: What’s the idea? Get back there!
CURLY: [turns around] Did you see what he did? I---
MOE: Yeah! [grabs a metal box and hits Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh oh oh oh!
[Curly walks up to his cow.]
CURLY: [turns to Moe] Hmm.
[Curly sits down next to his cow. He places the pail under the cow and he just sits there expecting the milk to just come out. We hear a dripping sound. Curly turns around and see the Champ milking his cow]
CURLY: [to his cow] See that? [tries to milk the cow, but milk isn’t coming out] Hmm why don’t you cooperate, cow?
[The cow hits Curly in the face with his tail]
CURLY: Hmm. [The cow hits him in the face with his tail again] Hmm mm. I’ll fix you!
[Curly grabs the cows tail and ties it to his stool. The cow then pulls the stool away with his tail and Curly falls on the floor.
CURLY: Oh, sabotoogy, eh! Give me my stool! [The cow hits Curly in the head with the stool] Oh oh oh oh!
[Curly gets knocked out]
MOE: Get up, Bossy. Get up!
[The referee walks up to Curly, who is knocked out on the floor]
REFEREE: One, two, three…
MOE: [to Larry] He’s trapped! Come on.
[Moe and Larry walk up to Curly to try to revive him]
REFEREE: …Four, five, six…
MOE: Come on! Get up kid. Come on.
REFEREE: …seven, eight…
MOE: You know we need that hundred bucks.
REFEREE: …nine---
MOE: [interrupts the referee] Hey! How many chances will he get?
REFEREE: [to Moe] One! [to Curly] Two, three, four, five---
[The cow pulls the string on the bell and it rings]
CURLY: [opens his eyes] Mighty close, wasn’t it? [closes his eyes]
REFEREE: Whew! Saved by the bell. [grabs a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his face]
[Moe and Larry drag Curly to the corner of the ring]
MOE: [to Larry] Fix his legs!
[Moe places the stool under Curly’s rear]
MOE: Drag him up. Pick him up.
[Moe and Larry pick up Curly and sit him down on the stool]
REFEREE: Ladies and gentlemen! There will be a one minute rest between rounds while they bring in fresh cows.
[The audience applauds]
CURLY: Water! Water!
[Larry grabs a bottle of water and starts drinking it]
MOE: Water!
CURLY: [yells to Larry, who is still drinking] Waterrrr!!
[Moe hits Larry in the stomach and Larry spits some water on Curly’s face]
CURLY: Ewww! Thanks!
[Moe and Larry rub the water on Curly’s face]
MOE: Ok!
[The scene transitions to a new scene at the contest. Curly smiles at the Champ]
CURLY: Heh heh heh!
[The Champ gives Curly an angry look]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah! [clicks his teeth at the Champ]
[The bell rings. Curly approaches a bull and sits down on the stool. The bull is fake. Moe and Larry are inside the fake bull]
MOE (inside the bull): Moooo.
CURLY: Hey, you don’t look like you got any milk.
MOE (inside the bull): That’s what you think.
CURLY: Yaahh! Are you talking to me, cow?
MOE (inside the bull): Shut up and start milking.
[The bull moves its foot and hits Curly in his leg]
CURLY: Oh ho ho! Oh oh! It’s Moe!
[Curly grabs the bottom of the bull to try and milk it, but the bull just moves up and down]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. Steady, steady Moe. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Curly looks at his pail and sees that it’s empty]
CURLY: [taps the bull] Hey, give!
[Moe turns the bottle of milk over inside the bull so Curly can milk it. The fake udder pops out under the bull. Curly sees it]
CURLY: Nyah! Heee!! [starts milking the bull]
REFEREE: The challenger is coming to life! [points to Curly] He’s gaining!
[The audience applauds]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! Nyuk nyuk!
[Curly lets go of the fake udder on the bull and milk still comes out. He looks at the Champ milking his cow. He then quickly puts his hand on the fake udder on the bull and starts pulling on it hard]
MOE (inside the bull): Hey! Take it easy! You’re pulling the whatchamacallit off!
[Curly pulls out the fake udder]
CURLY: Nyah!! [throws the fake udder away and it hits the referee in the face]
AUDIENCE: Boooo! Boooo!
CHAMP: [turns around and sees the fake bull] Foul! Foul!
MOE (inside the bull): He’s getting plenty of milk now.
[The container of milk falls out of the bull and into the pail]
REFEREE: [to Curly] You’re disqualified.
CURLY: [walks up to the referee] What do you mean, disqualified?
CHAMP: [pointing to the bull] Fake! Oh!
[The bull kicks the Champ in the rear]
CHAMP: Ohh! [kicks the bull in the rear]
MOE (inside the bull): Ooh!
[Champ grabs the bull by the tail and starts spinning it around]
CURLY: Ahhh!
[Champ lets go of the bull and it goes flying. The cow separates and we see Moe and Larry come out of the costume]
CURLY: [approaches Champ] Hey! [Champ turns around and gives Curly a nasty look] Nyah! You can’t do that to my cow!
CHAMP: Can’t I? [grabs Curly by the neck]
CURLY: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! Ahhhh!
[Champ spins Curly around and lets him go. Curly goes flying and his legs land in two metal containers]
[Moe and Larry are still wearing their halves of the bull costume while Curly’s legs are still stuck in the metal containers. The stooges walk away and leave the contest. The audience keeps booing as they leave]
--THE END--
[Dissolve to the inside of the Jive Café. A customer is sitting at the counter. Moe walks up to him.]
MOE: What strikes you fancy Mister?
CUSTOMER #1: Hot cakes!
MOE: Service with a smile. [calls out to Curly in the kitchen] Hotcakes on one!
[Cut to Curly in the kitchen]
CURLY: [yells out to Moe] Collision mats, on one!
[Curly lights up the stove and steps back. The stove blows up and the flame starts. Curly walks up to the stove. He takes the container of pancake mix and shakes it. He tries to squeeze the liquid onto the pan but nothing is coming out.]
CURLY: Hmm! [tries to squeeze it again but nothing comes out] Hmm.
[Curly turns the container around, he squeezes it, and the liquid squirts all over his face]
CURLY: Huh!! [takes a towel and wipes his face]
[We hear the soup boiling and bubbling]
CURLY: Oh the soup!
[Curly walks up to the pot of soup and tries to lift the cover but it’s hot]
CURLY: Ah!!! Ah! [grabs a round cotton fabric] Oh! [lifts the cover off of the pot with the round cotton fabric]
[Curly throws the round cotton fabric away and it lands on a small plate on the table]
MOE: [calling Curly] What about my hotcakes on one?
CURLY: Hotcakes? I dunno--- [turns around, sees the round cotton fabric on the plate and thinks it’s hotcakes] Oh there they are? [yelling out to Moe] Collision mats, on one!
[Curly presses a button on the table and Curly’s special invention pushes the plate over to the counter the customer is sitting]
CUSTOMER #1: Say, that’s what I call service.
MOE: Yeah, it’s a little gadget my chef invented. [puts a small container of syrup on the counter]
MOE: Hahahahaha. Coffee?
CUSTOMER #1: Yeah.
[Moe turns around to make the coffee. The customer tries to cut the “hotcakes” with his fork and knife, but he’s having a hard time because it’s cotton fabric instead of hotcakes. He tries to put a lot of pressure on his fork and knife so he can cut it, but the utensils bend and get destroyed. The customer throws his utensils down at the table and yells at Moe. Moe turns around]
CUSTOMER #1: [yelling at Moe] Hey! These hotcakes must be made out of reclaimed rubber.
[Curly comes out of the kitchen and walks up to the counter. He has a large knife in his hand]
CUSTOMER #1: [to Moe] Where’s your chef?
CURLY: [points his knife to the customer] Are you casting asparagus on my cooking!
CUSTOMER #1: Yeah, I can’t eat these. Lemme see you eat ‘em. [slides the plate of “hotcakes” to Curly and it bumps into his stomach]
CURLY: Oh, siotenly.
[Curly takes out a fork and cuts the “hotcakes” up with this large knife. He eats a piece. As he is chewing, he doesn’t like the taste, but he tries to smile and pretend he likes it]
MOE: [to the customer] Well, I guess that proves they’re ok. [to Curly] Verify it. Tell him!
CURLY: Hmm!
[Moe punches Curly in the stomach and he starts blowing feathers]
CURLY: Oh! [leaves]
[Cut to Larry waiting on another customer at the end of the counter]
CUSTOMER #2: Hey! I’ll have a bowl of chicken soup.
LARRY: Say, how about our---
CUSTOMER #2: I said soup!!
LARRY: Oh, you’ve been here before!
CUSTOMER #2: Yeah!
LARRY: [yelling to Curly] One chicken soup on three.
[Cut to Curly in the kitchen]
CURLY: [yelling out to Larry] One cackle soup on three.
[Curly walks up to the fridge and grabs a whole chicken. He takes a kettle of hot water from the stove and pours the water over the chicken, letting the hot liquid drip onto a bowl. After he finishes pour the water, he shakes the chicken a little bit by moving its legs. He puts the chicken on a plate and grabs the bowl of soup.]
CURLY: [singing] La lee la lee.
[Curly walks up to the table and places the bowl of soup on it.]
CURLY: [yelling out to Larry] A cackle soup on three.
[Curly presses a button on the table and Curly’s special invention pushes the bowl of soup over to the counter the customer is sitting, but the soup ends up falling off of the table because it was pushed too hard. Moe is at the end of the table and he is bending down sweeping. The bowl of soup falls on Moe’s back and burns him]
MOE: Whoa whoa whoa! Whoa!
[Moe climbs over the table and runs after Curly in the kitchen. Moe looks through the open window near the kitchen and he sees Curly removing the corn off of a cob using a pair of pincers.]
MOE: Hey you, Steinmetz! What ya got? A new invention?
CURLY: Yeah, a new way to make corn fritters. Not bad, eh? [shows the pincers to Moe]
MOE: [grabs the pincer from Curly] Pretty good!
CURLY: I got a million of ‘em. I got one idea where I--- [Moe pinches Curly’s nose with the pincer] Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah ah ah! Ah ah! [Moe hits Curly in the forehead with the pincer] Oh!
MOE: Now!
[Curly throws a rag in Moe’s face and closes the window]
MOE: Oh! Are you there, chefy?
CURLY: Yeah and I’m gonna stay here. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! [Moe punches the closed window and we hear Curly yelling in pain] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
LARRY: [calling out to Curly] Four eggs! Two hard boiled and two to fry.
CURLY: [yelling out to Larry] Right!
[Above Curly is a chicken and under the chicken is a long pipe]
CURLY: [to the chicken] Four eggs! Two hard boiled and two to fry.
[Two eggs slide down the pipe. A third one comes down]
CURLY: [holding the third egg up] Hard boiled? [throws the egg down on the table and it bounces. He catches it] Right! One more hard boiled.
[A fourth egg slides down the pipe. Curly tries to bounce the egg on the table but it breaks]
CURLY: Oh! [calling out to Larry] One will have to be scrambled! [to the chicken] One more trick like that and you’ll wind up southern fried.
[Curly walks over to the stove. He breaks the two eggs on the pan and he also puts the egg shells in the pan as well. As he tries to fry the eggs, he realizes the stove is not lit.]
CURLY: Oh! [puts the pan aside]
[Curly lights the stove and steps back. The stove doesn’t blow up]
CURLY: Come on, come on! [the stove still doesn’t blow up] Hmm! Hmm!
[Curly grabs the pan, puts it on top of the stove, and the stove blows up on Curly. The eggs fly off the pan and the eggs land on Moe’s face]
CURLY: Ah!
[Curly turns around and see the eggs on Moe’s face]
CURLY: Nyah ah! Nyah ah!
[The two yokes on the eggs end up on top of Moe’s eyes, making it look like he’s wearing a mask. The yokes fall off.]
CURLY: Where are you going? To a Halloween party?
[Moe wipes the eggs off his face. He grabs a butcher knife to the table]
CURLY: No no no, not that!! No!
MOE: I’m gonna chop your ears off!
CURLY: Woo!
[Curly climbs over the table. As Moe runs up to the table to try and chop Curly up, he accidentally pushes the button. Curly’s special invention pushes Curly out of the kitchen.]
CURLY: Whoa!
[Curly hits his head onto the cash register. As soon as he hits his head, a “No sale” sign pops up on the cash register]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the same café. Curly is painting the menu sign while Moe is taking the pies from the pastry vendor and placing them on the shelf.]
MOE: Last week’s pies were not so hot.
[Moe finishes putting up the pies on the shelf]
MOE: Ah, sixteen! [The pastry vendor gives Moe the bill] Oh, just put it on my account.
PASTRY VENDOR: Nothing doing. Your pastry bill is ninety seven dollars now. If I don’t collect, the stuff goes back. No more credit.
MOE: How ‘bout a cup of coffee? [leaves]
[The pastry vendor continues to write something down. Moe places a cup of coffee on the counter. Curly passes by and places the cup of paint next to the coffee. Curly sees the coffee]
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly takes the cup of coffee, drinks it and leaves, taking the coffee with him. The pastry vendor doesn’t see this because he’s too busy writing something down. He grabs the cup of paint Curly left, thinking it’s coffee. He drinks it]
PASTRY VENDOR: [realizes he drank paint, he yells to Moe] Hey! This coffee tastes like paint!
MOE: Paint?
[Moe grabs the cup of paint and drinks it. He spits it out]
MOE: By golly! It is paint.
[Curly walks up to Moe]
CURLY: What’s the matter?
MOE: I just drank some paint.
CURLY: Why, that’s silly! I always drink coffee. [shows Moe the cup of coffee in his hand and drinks it]
[Moe sees the paintbrush in Curly’s hand and grabs it]
MOE: Paint, eh! Lemme see your tongue.
[Curly sticks out his tongue and Moe paints it with the paintbrush]
CURLY: Aaahhh! Oh!
[Moe wipes Curly’s face with the paintbrush and pushes him away]
MOE: Now get back there and get busy. That’s the trouble we have with help nowadays.
CURLY: Uhh!
[Moe takes his chef uniform and ties it around his waist. As he ties it around his waist, he accidentally ties it to the shelf of pies as well.]
PASTRY VENDOR: Well do I get my ninety seven bucks or do I get the pastry back?
MOE: Well, I guess the stuff goes back. [to Curly] Give it to him.
CURLY: No!!
PASTRY VENDOR: [yells] Give it to me!
CURLY: Ruff!
[Curly moves forward and he ends up pulling down the shelf of pies. All the pies fall on the pastry vendor]
PASTRY VENDOR: That does it! If I don’t get my dough by Monday, I take over this restaurant.
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins. We see a shot of a car that says: “Sellwell Advertising Co.” on the window]
[Cut to the stooges and an advertising man]
LARRY: Say, what does this job pay?
MOE: Yeah, do you think we can earn ninety seven bucks by Monday?
ADVERTISING MAN: Well it’s up to you. You get a penny a poster for every one you put up. Now, make it snappy. [leaves]
CURLY: [to Moe] Oh boy! Hahaha.
MOE: [grabs Curly] Hey, whiz kid. If we get a penny a poster and hang twenty five a day. When will we have ninety seven bucks?
[Curly starts drawing in the air with his fingers. He then spits on his hand and pretends to erase something. He continues to draw in the air again.]
CURLY: Sunday night!
MOE: Good.
CURLY: 1992. Haha---
[Moe punches Curly in the face]
MOE: Why!
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly moves backwards and he ends up stepping on a bucket of paste. He tries the remove the paste off his foot by kicking it off. The paste goes flying and it lands on Moe’s face.]
CURLY: [sees Moe with the paste on his face] Nyah ah ah ah ah ah ah! [runs away]
[Moe wipes the paste off his face with his hand and throws it down in anger]
[Moe walks up to Curly who is putting up a poster on the fence. The poster is upside down,]
CURLY: [singing] Laa leeee la. [looking at the upside down poster] Ohhh! [to Moe] Hey! What kinda language is that?
MOE: It’s upside down. Rectify it!
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly removes a part of the fence, turns it around and bangs it back in place. The poster is now rightside up. The poster reads: “Carrot County Fair. August 8th to 15th. Special Event- Milking Contest. $100 To Win”]
LARRY: Oh boy! A hundred bucks just for milking a cow.
MOE: That’s better than hanging posters. [to Curly] Hey! You’re in the contest.
CURLY: Me?! I never even saw a cow.
[We hear a grunting sound. Moe looks through the fence and we see a bull. Moe thinks it’s a cow]
MOE: [to Curly] You’re gonna see one now. Go on in there and get some practice.
CURLY: Oh please. You’re---
MOE: Go on! [grabs Curly by the ear and forces him to go to the other side of the fence]
CURLY: Oh oh oh oh!
MOE: Get going in there.
[Curly enters the other side of the fence]
CURLY: [to the bull] Oh. This is all your fault. Come here, cow!
MOE: Boy! Now we’re really in the money!
LARRY: Yep, nothing to do but collect.
[We hear a crunch sound. Curly comes flying over the fence]
CURLY: Eeeoooooww! Oh!
[Moe and Larry run over to Curly and pick him up]
MOE: What’s the idea coming out so quick? I thought I told you to get some practice.
CURLY: The cow didn’t know that. He threw me out.
MOE: He did?! Well we’ll fix that. [to Larry] Hey! Get the blanket outta the car.
[Larry leaves]
MOE: [to Curly] Now, you get back in there. If it happens again, we’ll catch ya.
CURLY: It won’t happen again.
MOE: No?
CURLY: No, I’m not going in there again!!
MOE: Oh, lettin’ us down, eh!! [pulls Curly by the ear]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah!
MOE: Come on. Do your stuff!
[Moe forces Curly to go to the other side of the gate again. Larry comes in with the blanket. Moe and Larry hold out the blanket and they get ready to catch Curly]
[We hear a crunch sound. Curly comes flying over the fence again. He falls on a spot far away from Moe and Larry. Moe and Larry run over to Curly and pick him up]
MOE: Get up outta here! What’s the idea of crossing us up?
CURLY: Didn’t you hear me coming?
MOE: No! [Moe pulls a whistle out of his pocket] Here! Take that whistle. Next time, before you start, blow it. Go on. Get going! [pushes Curly]
CURLY: Hmm! [enters the other side of the gate]
[Moe and Larry open up the blanket and get ready to catch Curly. We hear Curly whistling and we hear the crunch sound. Moe and Larry look up and they spot Curly up in the air.]
MOE: There he comes.
LARRY: There he goes.
[Moe and Larry run around to try and catch Curly. They run up to the pole and the blanket gets caught on the pole. Moe and Larry bump into each other and fall. We hear a “boing” sound. Moe and Larry look up. Curly’s suspenders are caught on top of the electricity pole. The suspenders Curly is wearing is making him move up and down. As Curly moves up and down, he hits his head on the top of the pole several times]
CURLY: Oh oh oh! Woo!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with a shot of the “Carrot County Fair”]
[Dissolve to the stooges. In front of the stooges is a board that has a picture of a cow drawn on it. It shows the different parts of the cow. Moe has a pointer in his hand]
MOE: Now you see what a cow is made of! There’s the whole layout.
LARRY: Yeah, but where do you get the milk from?
CURLY: Yeah yeah!
MOE: [points at the picture with his pointer] Well, there’s a pipeline that connects the spareribs and comes down through the chop liver connected by a homophagel through the meat loaf. You drop up here to liverwurst and a straight drop down to the auto club, where you get your three gallons.
CURLY: Of milk?
MOE: No! Gas!
[Moe turns around and gives Curly an annoyed look.]
MOE: Yeah, where was I? Oh yes. [points at the cow picture with his pointer] Then you get the pometa side of the thing here and around the sukiyaki, you get the pondersets here. And that leaves the frankfurters and that’s it.
CURLY: Oh!
MOE: Is that clear?
CURLY: Yeah, that’s clear! But where do you get the milk?
[Moe pushes Curly down on the chair]
MOE: Sit down and start practicing! What’s the matter with you? Get your hands on there.
[Next to Curly is a big container of milk with a rubber glove attached to it. Curly gets ready to milk it in order to practice for the contest]
MOE: Ready?
CURLY: Ready!
MOE: Go!
CURLY: Go!
[Curly starts milking the glove]
MOE: [as he looks at his stopwatch] Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke! [Curly keeps milking faster and faster] Faster!! [milk squirts in Moe’s face] Oh!
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: Ohh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh oh!
MOE: I said faster! [more milk squirts in his face] Hmm!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins at the milking contest]
REFEREE: Introducing the undisputed milking champion of Carrot County!
[The Champ, Curly’s opponent, raises his hands as the audience applauds]
REFEREE: And here comes the challenger, K.O. Bossy!
[The stooges approach the ring. Curly is pretending to bang on a drum]
MOE: [taps Curly] Hey, cut it out! [gives Curly a pole with several pails hanging on it] Here!
[As Curly tries to climb over the ropes of the ring, the pails slide off the pole. Two pails land on Moe and Larry’s head. Moe and Larry crash into each other because they can’t see anything with the pails over their head. Larry pulls the pail off his head]
MOE: [pulls the pail off his head, but the handle hits his face] Oh!
[Moe and Larry run up to Curly]
MOE: What are you---? [takes the pole from Curly and throws it on the floor] Get under the rope! What’s the matter with you!
[Curly goes under the rope, while Moe and Larry step on it to climb over it. As Moe and Larry step on the rope, Curly’s neck gets caught on the rope]
CURLY: Yah ah ah ah ah!
MOE: Hey! Get up out of there! [to Larry] Get your foot off! [helps Curly from under the rope] Come on, you.
[Moe lifts the rope up]
MOE: Get under there!
[The stooges go under the ropes]
MOE: Get--- [pushes Curly]
CURLY: Hmm!
[The stooges walk up to the center of the ring]
REFEREE: Champ! Meet K.O. Bossy.
[Champ has a very mean look on his face]
CURLY: Nyah! Ah ah!
[Moe taps Curly’s head]
REFEREE: Now, you know the rules. This contest goes four rounds and the guy who gets the most milk is the winner. Now, shake hands and come out milking.
[Champ grabs Curly’s hand and he shakes it real hard]
CURLY: [falls on the floor] Oh oh! Oh oh! Oh oh!
CURLY: [gets up] Hmm!
CHAMP: Mmm!
CURLY: Yah ah ah! Ah ah ah! [walks backwards and backs into the corner of the ring where Moe and Larry are in]
[Moe and Larry remove Curly’s robe. Curly sits down.]
[Champ extends his arm to try to scare Curly. Curly’s right leg shakes]
MOE: What’s the matter, kid? You nervous?
CURLY: [points to his right knee] Just in that knee.
MOE: Oh!
[The referee blows the whistle]
CURLY: [gets up and stretches] Hmm mm mm!
[The bell rings. Champ and Curly walk up to the center of the ring and they bump into each other]
CURLY: Ohh! Ruff!
CHAMP: Arf!!!!!
[Curly starts whining like a dog and he runs up to Moe]
MOE: What’s the idea? Get back there!
CURLY: [turns around] Did you see what he did? I---
MOE: Yeah! [grabs a metal box and hits Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh oh oh oh!
[Curly walks up to his cow.]
CURLY: [turns to Moe] Hmm.
[Curly sits down next to his cow. He places the pail under the cow and he just sits there expecting the milk to just come out. We hear a dripping sound. Curly turns around and see the Champ milking his cow]
CURLY: [to his cow] See that? [tries to milk the cow, but milk isn’t coming out] Hmm why don’t you cooperate, cow?
[The cow hits Curly in the face with his tail]
CURLY: Hmm. [The cow hits him in the face with his tail again] Hmm mm. I’ll fix you!
[Curly grabs the cows tail and ties it to his stool. The cow then pulls the stool away with his tail and Curly falls on the floor.
CURLY: Oh, sabotoogy, eh! Give me my stool! [The cow hits Curly in the head with the stool] Oh oh oh oh!
[Curly gets knocked out]
MOE: Get up, Bossy. Get up!
[The referee walks up to Curly, who is knocked out on the floor]
REFEREE: One, two, three…
MOE: [to Larry] He’s trapped! Come on.
[Moe and Larry walk up to Curly to try to revive him]
REFEREE: …Four, five, six…
MOE: Come on! Get up kid. Come on.
REFEREE: …seven, eight…
MOE: You know we need that hundred bucks.
REFEREE: …nine---
MOE: [interrupts the referee] Hey! How many chances will he get?
REFEREE: [to Moe] One! [to Curly] Two, three, four, five---
[The cow pulls the string on the bell and it rings]
CURLY: [opens his eyes] Mighty close, wasn’t it? [closes his eyes]
REFEREE: Whew! Saved by the bell. [grabs a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his face]
[Moe and Larry drag Curly to the corner of the ring]
MOE: [to Larry] Fix his legs!
[Moe places the stool under Curly’s rear]
MOE: Drag him up. Pick him up.
[Moe and Larry pick up Curly and sit him down on the stool]
REFEREE: Ladies and gentlemen! There will be a one minute rest between rounds while they bring in fresh cows.
[The audience applauds]
CURLY: Water! Water!
[Larry grabs a bottle of water and starts drinking it]
MOE: Water!
CURLY: [yells to Larry, who is still drinking] Waterrrr!!
[Moe hits Larry in the stomach and Larry spits some water on Curly’s face]
CURLY: Ewww! Thanks!
[Moe and Larry rub the water on Curly’s face]
MOE: Ok!
[The scene transitions to a new scene at the contest. Curly smiles at the Champ]
CURLY: Heh heh heh!
[The Champ gives Curly an angry look]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah! [clicks his teeth at the Champ]
[The bell rings. Curly approaches a bull and sits down on the stool. The bull is fake. Moe and Larry are inside the fake bull]
MOE (inside the bull): Moooo.
CURLY: Hey, you don’t look like you got any milk.
MOE (inside the bull): That’s what you think.
CURLY: Yaahh! Are you talking to me, cow?
MOE (inside the bull): Shut up and start milking.
[The bull moves its foot and hits Curly in his leg]
CURLY: Oh ho ho! Oh oh! It’s Moe!
[Curly grabs the bottom of the bull to try and milk it, but the bull just moves up and down]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. Steady, steady Moe. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Curly looks at his pail and sees that it’s empty]
CURLY: [taps the bull] Hey, give!
[Moe turns the bottle of milk over inside the bull so Curly can milk it. The fake udder pops out under the bull. Curly sees it]
CURLY: Nyah! Heee!! [starts milking the bull]
REFEREE: The challenger is coming to life! [points to Curly] He’s gaining!
[The audience applauds]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! Nyuk nyuk!
[Curly lets go of the fake udder on the bull and milk still comes out. He looks at the Champ milking his cow. He then quickly puts his hand on the fake udder on the bull and starts pulling on it hard]
MOE (inside the bull): Hey! Take it easy! You’re pulling the whatchamacallit off!
[Curly pulls out the fake udder]
CURLY: Nyah!! [throws the fake udder away and it hits the referee in the face]
AUDIENCE: Boooo! Boooo!
CHAMP: [turns around and sees the fake bull] Foul! Foul!
MOE (inside the bull): He’s getting plenty of milk now.
[The container of milk falls out of the bull and into the pail]
REFEREE: [to Curly] You’re disqualified.
CURLY: [walks up to the referee] What do you mean, disqualified?
CHAMP: [pointing to the bull] Fake! Oh!
[The bull kicks the Champ in the rear]
CHAMP: Ohh! [kicks the bull in the rear]
MOE (inside the bull): Ooh!
[Champ grabs the bull by the tail and starts spinning it around]
CURLY: Ahhh!
[Champ lets go of the bull and it goes flying. The cow separates and we see Moe and Larry come out of the costume]
CURLY: [approaches Champ] Hey! [Champ turns around and gives Curly a nasty look] Nyah! You can’t do that to my cow!
CHAMP: Can’t I? [grabs Curly by the neck]
CURLY: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! Ahhhh!
[Champ spins Curly around and lets him go. Curly goes flying and his legs land in two metal containers]
[Moe and Larry are still wearing their halves of the bull costume while Curly’s legs are still stuck in the metal containers. The stooges walk away and leave the contest. The audience keeps booing as they leave]
--THE END--
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