Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-11-04
[The short opens on a sign that reads: “Professor Shemp Howard- Teacher of Voice”]
[Cut to the inside of a room where we see Shemp acting like a conductor and we hear a woman singing in the background. As soon as the music finishes, Shemp walks up to the phonograph and stops the record. Shemp walks up to his student, Miss Dinkelmeyer]
SHEMP: Now, you see, Miss Dinkelmeyer. That’s the way it should be sung. Shall we try it again?
DINKELMEYER: [starts putting her hands on Shemp] I’ll try anything for you, professor.
SHEMP: [pushes Dinkelmeyer’s hands away and smiles] Oh that’s fine, fine.
[Shemp walks up to Larry, who is sitting at the piano and sleeping]
SHEMP: If you please, doctor. [taps Larry in the head with baton] Doctor.
[Shemp hits Larry’s arm. Larry’s arm accidentally falls and it closes the cover of the piano. Larry awakes]
SHEMP: Doctor
[Shemp and Larry bow at each other and Shemp slaps him in the head]
LARRY: Oh!
SHEMP: [opens the piano cover] Play!
[Larry starts playing the paino]
SHEMP: [humming] Mmm.
DINKELMEYER: [starts singing off-key] Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ahhhh! [screams]
[Shemp gets startled]
DINKELMEYER: [continues singing off-key] I hear the voice of spring and you. Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ahhhh! [screams]
[Shemp gets startled again]
DINKELMEYER: The birds return to skies of blue. Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ahhhh! Ah ah! Ah ahhhhhh! [screams]
[Larry stops playing the piano]
SHEMP: [to Dinkelmeyer] No no. You are too fortissimo, too allegro, too Cointreau.
DINKELMEYER: Oh, is that bad?
SHEMP: It ain’t good. You’re supposed to be singing about the voices of spring, not the eruption of a volcano. [taps his chest] Give with the throat, not with the bellows.
DINKELMEYER: Oh! Oh, professor, you want it more like a bird!
SHEMP: That’s it. That’s it. Give me the bird.
[Larry starts snoring. Shemp hits Larry’s arm again and the piano cover closes on Larry’s hand and we hear a dissonant chord on the piano]
LARRY: Oh! [gets his hand out of the piano] Oh! Look!
[Larry shows his crooked fingers to Shemp. Shemp grabs Larry’s fingers and straightens them]
LARRY: Ahh!
SHEMP: [opens the piano cover] Play!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [sings off-key] Ah! Ah ah! Ah ah! Ah ah!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ah!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ahhh!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ahhhhhh! Ah ah ah! Ahhh ahhhhhhhhh!!! [starts screaming really loud]
[Shemp gets startled]
SHEMP: [starts tapping Larry] Enough. Enough! [to Dinkelmeyer] That’s enough! That’s enough! We’ve done enough for today. You might hurt your voice. You know, bend it, crack it, or break it or something.
DINKELMEYER: Oh professor, you’re so considerate. Hahaha! I’m just crazy about you! [puts her arms on Shemp, but Shemp pushes it away]
SHEMP: Don’t forget, we’ve got another lesson Tuesday.
[Shemp walks Dinkelmeyer to the door]
SHEMP: Gargle with old razor blades.
DINKELMEYER: Alright, professor. I know you wouldn’t want anything to happen to my throat. [taps Shemp’s face and leaves]
SHEMP: [closes the door and turns to Larry] Except to have somebody cut it.
LARRY: How would you like to be married to a dame like that?
SHEMP: Don’t even say that!
[The door opens and hits Shemp. Moe walks in]
SHEMP: Ohh! [turns around] I oughta---
MOE: You oughta what?
SHEMP: I oughta be a little more careful.
MOE: Well, shut up and listen. Do you remember your Uncle Caleb?
SHEMP: Do I? Why, that old tightwad, he’d steal flies from a blind spider.
MOE: But Shemp, he’s---
SHEMP: He’s a louse and a weasel.
MOE: Yeah? Well he just died and left you five hundred thousand bucks!
SHEMP: Just like that old skinflint. [gasps] Five hundred thousand bucks!! [starts whimpering] Poor old Uncle Caleb. Like I was saying, he was a swell guy. Give you the shirt off his back and throw in the buttons too.
MOE: But, there’s one little catch. You get the dough provided you’re married.
SHEMP: So--- [gasps] Married! No no! Fellas! I’m gonna faint! [walks up to the chair and faints on it]
SHEMP: [gasps] Ohh!
MOE: Or---
SHEMP: [gets up] Or what?
MOE: [reads the paper in his hand] If you get married within forty-eight hours of the reading of the will.
LARRY: What time was that?
MOE: Six o’clock, the night before last.
LARRY: [looks at his watch] You just got seven hours to get yourself a bride.
SHEMP: It can’t be done. No woman is interested in me.
LARRY: Maybe not, pal. But if you look real hard, you might find one that interested in half a million bucks!
SHEMP: Maybe you’ve got something there.
MOE: You’re darn right he has. Do you know any girls?
SHEMP: [opens his small phonebook] I’ve got a lot of numbers, but I haven’t had much luck with ‘em lately.
MOE: Well, you can’t get killed for trying. Where’s the phone?
SHEMP: There’s a booth down the hall.
MOE: [grabs Shemp by the hair] Well, what are we waiting for? Come on!
SHEMP: Oh!
LARRY: Down the hall!
SHEMP: Ow, ow, ow!
[Cut to the hallway. Moe is still dragging Shemp by the hair]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh! Oh oh oh!
LARRY: Here! Here’s six nickels! [gives the nickels to Moe]
MOE: That makes seventeen. [gives the nickels to Shemp] You oughta hit the jackpot with one of ‘em. Go ahead!
[Shemp walks into the phone booth and dials a number.]
SHEMP: [on the phone] Give me Susquehanna 2-2-2-2.
[Dissolve to the hallway outside the phone booth where we see Moe and Larry waiting for Shemp]
LARRY: [taps Moe] Say, he’s been in there over an hour.
MOE: What are you getting nervous about? When Shemp pours on the charm, no dame can resist him.
LARRY: I hope you’re right.
[Cut to inside the phone booth]
SHEMP: [on the phone] Hello! Is this Ginger Gray? It is!? Well, this is your little snookums. I’m about to do you a big favor. Haha. Will you marry me?
[We hear a loud click. Shemp holds his ear in pain and hangs up the phone]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh! [He opens the phone booth]
MOE: Hey! Any luck?
SHEMP: I’ve got one phone number and one nickel left.
MOE: Well start using it.
[Shemp goes back into the phone booth. Shemp takes out a nickel and when he tries to put it into the coin slot of the phone, he accidentally drops it]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: [goes into the phone booth to help Shemp find the coin] You clumsy ox, you! Where’d that go?
SHEMP: It went down here, someplace.
MOE: Let’s find it.
[Moe and Larry bend down to try to find the coin]
SHEMP: I think it went over that side.
[Shemp bends over Moe]
MOE: Look out! Get off of me here.
SHEMP: Alright!
MOE: Here, take this receiver. [gives Shemp the ear receiver for the phone]
SHEMP: I got--- I got it.
[Moe and Shemp get all tangled up with phone wires. Moe gets up and hits his head on the wooden board where the phone is on]
MOE: Oh! Oh!
SHEMP: Alright, just take the---
MOE: Wait a minute.
SHEMP: Alright!
MOE: Get this out of my hair here. [throws the phone book aside]
SHEMP: Alright.
MOE: Easy, easy, easy.
SHEMP: Get off your foot! Look at, look at what I got here. [shows a wire caught on his finger]
MOE: What’s that?
SHEMP: I don’t know.
MOE: Wait a minute. It leads around under my arm, then up here around the neck. [gets angry] Get you hand off of me here!! [pushes Shemp’s hand aside]
SHEMP: Oh, alright, alright!
[Cut to Larry who is standing outside the phone booth. He bites the nails off his fingers and spits them out]
MOE: Easy! Easy! Wait a minute!
[Cut back to Moe and Shemp in the phone booth. Their heads are now tried together with phone wires]
MOE: [throws the phone book aside] The line--- Here we go. Easy easy!
SHEMP: Alright! Alright!
MOE: Now wait a minute. Can you dial from there?
SHEMP: No, can you?
MOE: Yeah! [dials on Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh!
[Cut to Larry again who is outside the phone booth. He bites more nails off his fingers and spits them out]
[Cut back to Moe and Shemp in the phone booth. Their heads are still tried together with phone wires]
MOE: If I come around like this way and get up in this one. [tries to pull the wires off his face, but he can’t get it off] How’s that?
SHEMP: Well, it don’t feel as good as when I did this. [tries to pull the wires off his face]
MOE: Wait wait wait wait! Take it easy! Now look! We ain’t getting’ no place fast. [starts getting angry] Let’s get at this thing the right way!! [he pulls the wires off his face in anger, but he’s still having a hard time] Let me get this off!
SHEMP: Wait a minute. Alright!
[Cut to Larry who is pacing back and forth outside the phone booth]
[Cut back to Moe and Shemp in the phone booth. Moe is upside down and his feet are in front of Shemp’s face]
MOE: I can’t stand it any longer. It started with the book.
SHEMP: [looking at Moe’s feet] Moe! Where’s you hat? [falls down]
[Cut to Larry outside the phone booth. We hear loud clattering]
LARRY: [walks up to the phone booth] How ya doing?
[Two fists come out from off-camera and punch Larry in the face. Larry falls on the floor]
[Cut back to Moe and Shemp in the phone booth. They’re still tied up with phone wires. Moe and Shemp have their hands tied onto their faces]
SHEMP: Get your hand out of my face!
MOE: That ain’t my hand, it’s your hand.
SHEMP: Alright, you asked for it. [bites his hand thinking it’s Moe’s] Ow!!
MOE: Wait wait!
SHEMP: Oh!
[Cut to Larry outside the phone booth. A woman walks by him]
LARRY: [to the woman] Say miss, would you like to get married?
WOMAN: What?
LARRY: Get married!
WOMAN: Well, I don’t know. But you are kinda cute at that. [pinches Larry’s chin]
LARRY: Oh, it’s not me. It’s him. [points to Shemp in the phone booth]
[We see Shemp’s face smashed up against the glass of the phone booth]
WOMAN: [screams] Ahhhh! [slaps Larry and leaves]
[Cut to Moe and Shemp inside the phone booth. They are fighting and struggling to free themselves from the phone wires]
MOE: We got to get out of this! There isn’t much time left. You know, don’t you?
SHEMP: Alright!
[The phone booth collapses. Moe and Shemp fall on the floor]
LARRY: What happened?
MOE: That’s what I wanna know
[The scene ends and new scene begins in the hallway. The stooges see a bellboy help a lady, Miss Hopkins, to her room]
MOE: [to Shemp and Larry] Wait a minute!
[Miss Hopkins turns around and sees the stooges. She walks into her room. The stooges simultaneously wolf whistle]
MOE: Did you get a load of that?
LARRY: What a dish!
SHEMP: I wonder who she is?
MOE: We’ll soon find out!
[The bellboy passes by Moe]
MOE: [stops the bellboy] Oh, boy!
BELLBOY: Yes!
MOE: Who’s the new dame?
BELLBOY: A Miss Hopkins. [leaves]
MOE: [to Shemp] “Miss” Hopkins! Did you hear that, kid?
LARRY: And good looking too! Go get her Shemp.
SHEMP: Heep eep eep!
[Shemp gets ready to approach Miss Hopkins, but Moe pulls him by the hair]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: Wait a minute! You can’t propose to a girl looking like that. We gotta give you the works. Come on!
[Moe and Shemp walk down the hallway.]
MOE: [slaps Shemp] Go on!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in a room where Moe and Larry are helping Shemp get fixed up. Larry is ironing Shemp’s jacket. Shemp is standing up and shaving in front of a small mirror that’s hanging from the ceiling. Moe is sewing Shemp’s trouser’s as he shaves. Shemp is not standing still.]
MOE: Stand still, will ya? We gotta get going. It’s three o’clock now.
LARRY: Yeah? And if you don’t marry that girl by six o’clock, we’re out of the money.
[Moe is having a hard time sewing Shemp’s trousers because he can’t stand still]
MOE: I said stand still! [pokes Shemp in the leg with the sewing needle.]
[Shemp accidentally hits his left eye with the shaving cream brush. Shaving cream ends up all over his eye]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh Moe! Moe, I’m blind! You burnt my eye out! Get a towel, Moe. Get a towel! Oh ho ho ho!
[Moe walks up to the drawer to get a towel.]
SHEMP: Oh oh!
[Moe opens the top drawer, but he can’t find any towels]
MOE: [to Shemp] Hey, where are the towels?
SHEMP: In the bottom drawer.
[Moe leaves the top drawer open. He bends down and opens the bottom drawer.]
MOE: [finds the towel] I got it!
[Moe stands up and his head hits the top drawer and breaks. The broken drawer is around Moe’s neck]
LARRY: [sees Moe] Hahahaha! You sure look funny with a buster brown collar.
MOE: Hold that! [gives Larry the towel]
LARRY: Oh.
[Moe takes the broken drawer off his neck and he breaks it on Larry’s head]
MOE: You do too. [takes the towel from Larry]
SHEMP: Where are ya?
[Moe walks up to Shemp]
MOE: Here. [gives Shemp the towel]
[Shemp cleans his face with the towel]
MOE: Say, I forgot to tell you. When the afternoon papers come out, you’re gonna be famous.
SHEMP: How come?
MOE: I gave the story to the reporters. Yes sir! “Shemp Howard to inherit and half a million bucks.” Let’s get going, kid!
[Shemp starts shaving his face in a very fast and rough manner. Larry sees him and looks scared. Shemp still won’t stand still as he shaves and this makes it hard for Moe to sew his trousers]
MOE: I’m telling you to hold still now. I’m warning you.
SHEMP: [accidentally gets shaving cream on Moe’s hair] Oh, excuse me. [rubs off the shaving cream on Moe’s head]
[As Larry irons, he accidentally irons his hand]
LARRY: Yaah!
[Shemp resumes shaving and he still isn’t standing still. He is moving around in circles]
MOE: Hold still!!
[Moe crawls and follow Shemp as he moves around in circles shaving. He hits his head on the table]
MOE: Oh!
SHEMP: [accidentally hits the mirror in front of him] Oh! Almost has seven years of hard luck.
[Shemp grabs the shaving cream brush and he brushes some shaving cream on his face. He then accidentally puts some shaving cream on the mirror]
SHEMP: Oh! How do you like that?
[Larry continues to iron. Shemp continues to shave and still doesn’t stand still]
MOE: I said stand still! [pokes Shemp’s leg with the needle]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey, I cut of my head! I cut off my head!
[Moe gets up and sees that the mirror in front of Shemp has turned around]
SHEMP: Moe, my head is off! Moe! My head is off! [starts sobbing] My head is off!
[Moe turns the mirror around and Shemp sees his face]
SHEMP: Oh, there I am and as pretty as a picture.
MOE: Yeah, of an ape. [slaps Shemp] Now, get going!
MOE: This means a half a million dollars.
SHEMP: I know what it means.
[Larry finishes ironing Shemp’s jacket. He is still holding the iron and he walks up to Shemp to give him his jacket. However, the cord is not long enough, so he ends up getting pulled back, so he places the iron down on the chair. He walks up to Shemp]
LARRY: Here you are! [gives Shemp his jacket and he puts it on]
MOE: Boy, am I tired.
SHEMP: [grabs the bowl of water] Where do I throw this water?
[Moe sits down on the chair where Larry left the iron on]
MOE: [sits on the iron] Ahhhhh!
[Moe pushes the bowl of water Shemp is holding. All the water splashes all over Shemp]
SHEMP: Oh!
[Dissolve to the hallway. Shemp is all fixed up]
MOE: You look good. You look great, kid. You’re a cinch. Go to it!
[Shemp turns around and backs down. Moe and Larry grab him]
MOE: Come on! Come on!
[Shemp looks at Moe and Larry who are hiding in the next room. He then knocks on Miss Hopkins’ door. He walks up to Moe and Larry but they signal to him to get back. Shemp knocks on the door again. Miss Hopkins answers the door]
SHEMP: Hello!
MISS HOPKINS: Oh, hello!
SHEMP: [turns around] Heeb eeb eeb eeb eeb!
[Miss Hopkins pulls Shemp into the room]
MISS HOPKINS: Come in! Cousin Basil, oh! [hugs Shemp and kisses him]
MISS HOPKINS: I’m so happy to see you. [kisses Shemp twice]
SHEMP: I…I---
MISS HOPKINS: I’ve just been dying to meet you. [kisses Shemp again]
SHEMP: I---
MISS HOPKINS: [holds onto Shemp’s face] And you’re even cuter that Aunt Sadie said you were. [continues to kiss Shemp several times]
[Cut to the hallway where Moe and Larry are hearing the kisses]
LARRY: Oh boy! Success!
MOE: Yeah, listen to those kisses. [grabs Larry and kisses him in the cheek]
[The bellboy passes by and sees Moe kissing Larry]
MOE: Cut it out! [slaps Larry]
[Cut to Miss Hopkins room]
MISS HOPKINS: [kisses Shemp] Oh, you must be exhausted after your long trip. Sit down! [pushes Shemp down on the couch] Let me look at you, Cousin Basil. [pulls Shemp up] Oh! [hugs and kisses Shemp]
[The phone rings]
MISS HOPKINS: Now, don’t you go away! [pushes Shemp back down on the couch]
[Miss Hopkins picks up the phone]
MISS HOPKINS: [on the phone] Hello? Yes, this is Miss Hopkins. You’re Cousin Basil? Well, then who is--- [points to Shemp]
SHEMP: [gets up and approaches Miss Hopkins] I was ju---
MISS HOPKINS: [slaps Shemp] How dare you pretend to be my Cousin Basil?! [slaps Shemp] I’ll teach you a thing or two! [slaps Shemp twice] You wolf! [bonks Shemp on the head]
SHEMP: Oh! [puts his arms in front of him to prevent Miss Hopkins from striking him]
MISS HOPKINS: Don’t you dare strike me! [slaps Shemp]
SHEMP: Who---
MISS HOPKINS: [slaps Shemp several times] Taking advantage of a poor, weak, helpless woman!
[Cut to the hallway where Moe and Larry can hear Miss Hopkins beating Shemp]
LARRY: [to Moe] Boy, his kisses are getting’ louder.
[Cut to Miss Hopkins room. Miss Hopkins slaps Shemp several more times]
MISS HOPKINS: You, you, you horrible person, you! [punches Shemp]
[Shemp falls through the door and breaks it down by accident. Moe and Larry help Shemp get up]
MOE: Get up there!
LARRY: What happened, kid?
SHEMP: Can I help it if I ain’t Cousin Basil? [collapses on the floor]
[Moe and Larry quickly grab Shemp and pull him up. Miss Dinkelmeyer walks down the hallway and sees Shemp. She runs up to him]
DINKELMEYER: Oh, professor! Are you alright?
SHEMP: Oh, I’m fine.
[Shemp collapses on the floor again. Moe, Larry and Miss Dinkelmeyer help Shemp up]
SHEMP: [to Larry] All I wanted to do was propose, but---
DINKELMEYER: [grabs Shemp] Propose!! Oh, professor, this is so sudden! [hugs Shemp]
MOE: You mean, you’ll really marry him?
DINKELMEYER: Oh, of course. He’s my little old dream boat! [plays with Shemp’s hair]
SHEMP: Your little dream boat is sailing [makes a ship horn noise] Hooo! Hooo! [walks away]
MOE: [grabs Shemp] Wait a minute. You’re gonna sail away from a half a million bucks? We only got two hours left. Come on! Get goin’!
[The stooges and Miss Dinkelmeyer walks down the hallway as the scene ends. A new scene begins on a sign that reads: “J.M. Benton- Justice of Peace”]
[Dissolve to the inside of the Justice of the Peace’s apartment. Mr. Benton walks up to the door and he lets the stooges and Miss Dinkelmeyer inside]
BENTON: Come right in, folks. Hehe! Yes, yes indeed.
MOE: [gives Benton the marriage license] Say, here’s the license. My pal wants to get married in a rush.
BENTON: Oh, splendid! [the phone rings] Oh, excuse me!
[Mr. Benton answers the phone]
BENTON: [on the phone] Hello? Who? Mr. Howard? Yes, he’s here. [gives the phone to Moe]
MOE: [on the phone] Hello. Yes? What? How many of them? Wow! Yeah, yeah! Ok, thanks. [hangs up the phone]
[Moe approaches Shemp]
MOE: That was the clerk at the apartment. Those dames you phoned this morning found out about the five hundred grand in the papers. [to Benton] Come on, pal. We gotta make this fast.
BENTON: Have you got the ring?
SHEMP: [reaches in his pocket] Why, certainly. Certainly, I got it. Oop!
[Shemp takes out the ring from his pocket, but it flies off his hand and into the grand piano. It lands under the strings inside]
MOE: It went in the piano.
[The stooges walk up to the piano]
MOE: Get it!
[Shemp looks inside the piano]
MOE: You see anything?
SHEMP: Yeah, wires. [Moe pushes Shemp’s face into the piano and we hear a dissonant chord] Listen you!
MOE: What?
SHEMP: You know, I think the piano’s out of tune.
MOE: Go on!
[Moe pushes Shemp’s face into the piano again and we hear a dissonant chord]
SHEMP: I think I see it.
[The cover of the piano falls on Shemp and his head is caught inside the piano]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh!
[Moe and Larry lift the cover off the piano and they help Shemp get his head out]
MOE: Look out. Get up out of there.
SHEMP: Help! Get me outta here. My face! Oh! [to Moe] You wanna spoil my looks?
MOE: Impossible. Never mind your face and get that ring. It’s a quarter of six.
[Shemp looks inside the piano again. Shemp yanks a string out of the piano and it hits Moe in the eye]
MOE: Oh!
SHEMP: Oh, I’m awful sorry.
MOE: So am I. [pushes Shemp’s face down into the piano] Get outta here!
[The cover of the piano falls on Shemp again and his head is caught inside the piano]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh! Ohh!
MOE: Quit playing around in there and get that ring!
SHEMP: Oh oh oh! Ohh!
[Moe kicks Shemp in the rear as he’s caught inside the piano]
SHEMP: Oh! Get me out of here! Get me out of here!
MOE: That dummy! Alright.
[Moe and Larry yank Shemp out of the piano and he ends up all tangled up with the piano strings]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh!
MOE: He’s all tangled up with wires!
LARRY: Alright, we’ll back him up and we’ll break him out.
MOE: Alright, easy!
[Moe and Larry pull Shemp back to break the strings that Shemp is tangled up in]
BENTON: [walks up to Larry] Oh, my poor piano!
LARRY: [pushes Benton away] Shut up!
MOE: Hey! Sit him down. We’ll get a new grip.
[Moe and Larry sit Shemp down. When they let him go, Shemp gets pulled by the strings and he hits his face on the piano twice]
[Moe and Larry run up to Shemp to help him get up]
MOE: Easy now. Wait! Get this stuff off!
SHEMP: Oh oh oh!
MOE: You get into messes every time. Give me your arm.
[Moe and Larry pull the strings off of Shemp]
MOE: A few minutes left and no ring, no nothing.
SHEMP: Wait a minute, fellas. [picks up the ring on the floor] Here’s the ring!
MOE: How do you like that? Get up! [picks Shemp up]
[The stooges walk up to Benton]
MOE: Ok, partner. We’re ready for the kickoff.
BENTON: Join hands, you lovebirds.
[We hear a bunch of women clamoring. They all enter the room]
WOMAN #1: [pointing to Shemp] There he is!
WOMAN #2: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
[The women stop clamoring]
WOMAN #2: [pointing to Dinkelmeyer] Who is this character?
BENTON: She’s the bride!
WOMAN #3: [pushes her way through] Oh yeah? Not while I got my strength. [hits Shemp with a newspaper] Tell the truth, didn’t you propose to me?
SHEMP: Yes, but I’m with--- [turns to Miss Dinkelmeyer]
WOMAN #3: [pulls Shemp] Didn’t you?
SHEMP: Yes, but you turned me down.
WOMAN #3: That was before I read the papers. [hits Shemp with the newspaper in her hand] Now I accept. [puts her arm around Shemp’s arm] Ok, toots. Let her rip!
WOMAN #4: Oh no! He proposed to me too.
[The women start clamoring again. They all fight over Shemp]
LARRY: [to Moe] Look at that! We better do somethin’ fast.
MOE: Yeah!
[Moe pushes his way into the crowd]
MOE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What’s going on here?
[Several women hit Moe in the head with the newspaper]
MOE: Oh!
[Women #3 grabs Moe by the hair]
MOE: Oh oh oh!
[A woman kicks Moe in the leg twice]
MOE: Ow! Ow!
LARRY: [to the women] Ladies! Ladies! [The women start hitting Larry with newspapers] Oh!
WOMAN #4: Stop it, you big bully! Stop it, you big bully!
[A woman kicks Larry in the leg]
LARRY: Oww! [The women hit Larry with newspapers] Oh!
[A woman grabs Larry by the hair. Another woman rips a chunk of hair off of Shemp’s head]
SHEMP: Ohhhh!
[Miss Dinkelmeyer and Shemp walk up to Benton]
DINKELMEYER: Oh, justice please. Please!
BENTON: Yes.
DINKELMEYER: Hurry up.
BENTON: Yes indeed. [opens his book] Hold hands, you love birds.
[Woman #3 grabs the bird cage and puts it over Benton’s head. She then pull Miss Dinkelmeyer away from Shemp]
DINKELMEYER: Ohh!
[Woman #3 grabs Shemp’s head]
[Miss Dinkelmeyer sees the cage over Benton’s head]
DINKELMEYER: Oh my goodness. Oh! [takes the cage off of Benton’s head]
[Woman #3 grabs Shemp by the hair and places his head under the letter press]
SHEMP: Oh oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Woman #3 turns the wheel on the letter press to tighten it]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh oh!
[The rest of the woman continue to fight. Moe and Larry are still determined to stop it. Larry grabs a gun to use as a club]
MOE: Wait a minute! You wouldn’t hit a lady with that. [gives Larry a rifle] Use this, it’s bigger.
LARRY: Oh, thanks.
[As the women fight, one of the woman gets pushed backwards and lands on the chair in front of Larry. Larry attempts to swing the rifle at her, but he accidentally hits Moe, who is behind him]
MOE: Oh!
[The woman gets up, grabs the rifle from Larry and hits him on the head with it]
LARRY: Ohh!
[Woman #3 continues to crush Shemp’s head with the letter press]
WOMAN #3: Will you marry me?
SHEMP: Never. [Woman #3 continues to tighten the letter press] No!! Oh!!!
[As the women continue fighting with each other, Woman #4 gets pushed backwards]
WOMAN #4: Oh!
[Woman #4 lands on the chair in front of Moe. Moe attempts to swing the rifle at her, but he accidentally hits Larry, who is behind him]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: [turns to Larry] What happened?
[Woman #4 gets up, grabs the rifle from Moe and hits him on the head with it]
MOE: Oh!
[Woman #3 continues to tighten Shemp’s head on the letter press]
[Moe and Larry set a bear trap on the chair. Moe walks up to one of the woman and starts blubbering. He turns around and the woman grabs him by the hair. She then pushes Moe’s face and he gets pushed back. Moe lands on the bear trap on the chair]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh! Ahhhhh! Wooooo!
[Woman #3 continues to tighten Shemp’s head on the letter press]
SHEMP: I’m gettin’ a headache.
WOMAN #3: I’ll fix your headache. [tightens the letter press more]
SHEMP: Ohhh!
[Moe is in pain because the bear trap is caught in his rear]
MOE: Oh oh! Larry! An octopus has got me! Larry! [gets up]
LARRY: Hold still. Hold still a minute!
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: I’ll get it. Hold still. [tries to get the bear trap off of Moe’s rear]
[Woman #3 is still tightening the letter press on Shemp’s head]
WOMAN #3: Now, what do you say?
SHEMP: I give up. I’ll marry you.
[Woman #3 untightens the letter press]
[Two women fight with each other. One woman throws a vase of flowers at the other woman, but she ducks. The vase hits Shemp and knocks him out. Woman #3 walks up to the other women in anger]
[Miss Dinkelmeyer grabs Shemp and picks Benton up]
DINKELMEYER: Oh, Mr. Benton. Please, please hurry.
SHEMP: Hold hands, you lover birds.
[Larry yanks the bear trap off of Moe’s rear]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Oh oh!
LARRY: How are you?
MOE: How am I. [slaps Larry] What do you mean, how am I?
[Moe and Larry walk up to Shemp]
BENTON: [to Shemp and Dinkelmeyer] Congratulations, both of you.
DINKELMEYER: Oh, thank you. [to Moe and Larry] We’re married.
LARRY: [looks at his watch] We made it. It’s six o’clock and you’re married.
SHEMP: [confused] What happened? What happened?
MOE: You’re married, kid. Say something.
SHEMP: [looks at Miss Dinkelmeyer and yells] Help! Help!
[Shemp runs towards the camera as Moe and Larry grab him]
--THE END--
[Cut to the inside of a room where we see Shemp acting like a conductor and we hear a woman singing in the background. As soon as the music finishes, Shemp walks up to the phonograph and stops the record. Shemp walks up to his student, Miss Dinkelmeyer]
SHEMP: Now, you see, Miss Dinkelmeyer. That’s the way it should be sung. Shall we try it again?
DINKELMEYER: [starts putting her hands on Shemp] I’ll try anything for you, professor.
SHEMP: [pushes Dinkelmeyer’s hands away and smiles] Oh that’s fine, fine.
[Shemp walks up to Larry, who is sitting at the piano and sleeping]
SHEMP: If you please, doctor. [taps Larry in the head with baton] Doctor.
[Shemp hits Larry’s arm. Larry’s arm accidentally falls and it closes the cover of the piano. Larry awakes]
SHEMP: Doctor
[Shemp and Larry bow at each other and Shemp slaps him in the head]
LARRY: Oh!
SHEMP: [opens the piano cover] Play!
[Larry starts playing the paino]
SHEMP: [humming] Mmm.
DINKELMEYER: [starts singing off-key] Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ahhhh! [screams]
[Shemp gets startled]
DINKELMEYER: [continues singing off-key] I hear the voice of spring and you. Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ahhhh! [screams]
[Shemp gets startled again]
DINKELMEYER: The birds return to skies of blue. Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ahhhh! Ah ah! Ah ahhhhhh! [screams]
[Larry stops playing the piano]
SHEMP: [to Dinkelmeyer] No no. You are too fortissimo, too allegro, too Cointreau.
DINKELMEYER: Oh, is that bad?
SHEMP: It ain’t good. You’re supposed to be singing about the voices of spring, not the eruption of a volcano. [taps his chest] Give with the throat, not with the bellows.
DINKELMEYER: Oh! Oh, professor, you want it more like a bird!
SHEMP: That’s it. That’s it. Give me the bird.
[Larry starts snoring. Shemp hits Larry’s arm again and the piano cover closes on Larry’s hand and we hear a dissonant chord on the piano]
LARRY: Oh! [gets his hand out of the piano] Oh! Look!
[Larry shows his crooked fingers to Shemp. Shemp grabs Larry’s fingers and straightens them]
LARRY: Ahh!
SHEMP: [opens the piano cover] Play!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [sings off-key] Ah! Ah ah! Ah ah! Ah ah!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ah!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ahhh!
[Larry plays some notes on the piano]
DINKELMEYER: [continues to sing off-key] Ah ah ah ah ahhhhhh! Ah ah ah! Ahhh ahhhhhhhhh!!! [starts screaming really loud]
[Shemp gets startled]
SHEMP: [starts tapping Larry] Enough. Enough! [to Dinkelmeyer] That’s enough! That’s enough! We’ve done enough for today. You might hurt your voice. You know, bend it, crack it, or break it or something.
DINKELMEYER: Oh professor, you’re so considerate. Hahaha! I’m just crazy about you! [puts her arms on Shemp, but Shemp pushes it away]
SHEMP: Don’t forget, we’ve got another lesson Tuesday.
[Shemp walks Dinkelmeyer to the door]
SHEMP: Gargle with old razor blades.
DINKELMEYER: Alright, professor. I know you wouldn’t want anything to happen to my throat. [taps Shemp’s face and leaves]
SHEMP: [closes the door and turns to Larry] Except to have somebody cut it.
LARRY: How would you like to be married to a dame like that?
SHEMP: Don’t even say that!
[The door opens and hits Shemp. Moe walks in]
SHEMP: Ohh! [turns around] I oughta---
MOE: You oughta what?
SHEMP: I oughta be a little more careful.
MOE: Well, shut up and listen. Do you remember your Uncle Caleb?
SHEMP: Do I? Why, that old tightwad, he’d steal flies from a blind spider.
MOE: But Shemp, he’s---
SHEMP: He’s a louse and a weasel.
MOE: Yeah? Well he just died and left you five hundred thousand bucks!
SHEMP: Just like that old skinflint. [gasps] Five hundred thousand bucks!! [starts whimpering] Poor old Uncle Caleb. Like I was saying, he was a swell guy. Give you the shirt off his back and throw in the buttons too.
MOE: But, there’s one little catch. You get the dough provided you’re married.
SHEMP: So--- [gasps] Married! No no! Fellas! I’m gonna faint! [walks up to the chair and faints on it]
SHEMP: [gasps] Ohh!
MOE: Or---
SHEMP: [gets up] Or what?
MOE: [reads the paper in his hand] If you get married within forty-eight hours of the reading of the will.
LARRY: What time was that?
MOE: Six o’clock, the night before last.
LARRY: [looks at his watch] You just got seven hours to get yourself a bride.
SHEMP: It can’t be done. No woman is interested in me.
LARRY: Maybe not, pal. But if you look real hard, you might find one that interested in half a million bucks!
SHEMP: Maybe you’ve got something there.
MOE: You’re darn right he has. Do you know any girls?
SHEMP: [opens his small phonebook] I’ve got a lot of numbers, but I haven’t had much luck with ‘em lately.
MOE: Well, you can’t get killed for trying. Where’s the phone?
SHEMP: There’s a booth down the hall.
MOE: [grabs Shemp by the hair] Well, what are we waiting for? Come on!
SHEMP: Oh!
LARRY: Down the hall!
SHEMP: Ow, ow, ow!
[Cut to the hallway. Moe is still dragging Shemp by the hair]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh! Oh oh oh!
LARRY: Here! Here’s six nickels! [gives the nickels to Moe]
MOE: That makes seventeen. [gives the nickels to Shemp] You oughta hit the jackpot with one of ‘em. Go ahead!
[Shemp walks into the phone booth and dials a number.]
SHEMP: [on the phone] Give me Susquehanna 2-2-2-2.
[Dissolve to the hallway outside the phone booth where we see Moe and Larry waiting for Shemp]
LARRY: [taps Moe] Say, he’s been in there over an hour.
MOE: What are you getting nervous about? When Shemp pours on the charm, no dame can resist him.
LARRY: I hope you’re right.
[Cut to inside the phone booth]
SHEMP: [on the phone] Hello! Is this Ginger Gray? It is!? Well, this is your little snookums. I’m about to do you a big favor. Haha. Will you marry me?
[We hear a loud click. Shemp holds his ear in pain and hangs up the phone]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh! [He opens the phone booth]
MOE: Hey! Any luck?
SHEMP: I’ve got one phone number and one nickel left.
MOE: Well start using it.
[Shemp goes back into the phone booth. Shemp takes out a nickel and when he tries to put it into the coin slot of the phone, he accidentally drops it]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: [goes into the phone booth to help Shemp find the coin] You clumsy ox, you! Where’d that go?
SHEMP: It went down here, someplace.
MOE: Let’s find it.
[Moe and Larry bend down to try to find the coin]
SHEMP: I think it went over that side.
[Shemp bends over Moe]
MOE: Look out! Get off of me here.
SHEMP: Alright!
MOE: Here, take this receiver. [gives Shemp the ear receiver for the phone]
SHEMP: I got--- I got it.
[Moe and Shemp get all tangled up with phone wires. Moe gets up and hits his head on the wooden board where the phone is on]
MOE: Oh! Oh!
SHEMP: Alright, just take the---
MOE: Wait a minute.
SHEMP: Alright!
MOE: Get this out of my hair here. [throws the phone book aside]
SHEMP: Alright.
MOE: Easy, easy, easy.
SHEMP: Get off your foot! Look at, look at what I got here. [shows a wire caught on his finger]
MOE: What’s that?
SHEMP: I don’t know.
MOE: Wait a minute. It leads around under my arm, then up here around the neck. [gets angry] Get you hand off of me here!! [pushes Shemp’s hand aside]
SHEMP: Oh, alright, alright!
[Cut to Larry who is standing outside the phone booth. He bites the nails off his fingers and spits them out]
MOE: Easy! Easy! Wait a minute!
[Cut back to Moe and Shemp in the phone booth. Their heads are now tried together with phone wires]
MOE: [throws the phone book aside] The line--- Here we go. Easy easy!
SHEMP: Alright! Alright!
MOE: Now wait a minute. Can you dial from there?
SHEMP: No, can you?
MOE: Yeah! [dials on Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh!
[Cut to Larry again who is outside the phone booth. He bites more nails off his fingers and spits them out]
[Cut back to Moe and Shemp in the phone booth. Their heads are still tried together with phone wires]
MOE: If I come around like this way and get up in this one. [tries to pull the wires off his face, but he can’t get it off] How’s that?
SHEMP: Well, it don’t feel as good as when I did this. [tries to pull the wires off his face]
MOE: Wait wait wait wait! Take it easy! Now look! We ain’t getting’ no place fast. [starts getting angry] Let’s get at this thing the right way!! [he pulls the wires off his face in anger, but he’s still having a hard time] Let me get this off!
SHEMP: Wait a minute. Alright!
[Cut to Larry who is pacing back and forth outside the phone booth]
[Cut back to Moe and Shemp in the phone booth. Moe is upside down and his feet are in front of Shemp’s face]
MOE: I can’t stand it any longer. It started with the book.
SHEMP: [looking at Moe’s feet] Moe! Where’s you hat? [falls down]
[Cut to Larry outside the phone booth. We hear loud clattering]
LARRY: [walks up to the phone booth] How ya doing?
[Two fists come out from off-camera and punch Larry in the face. Larry falls on the floor]
[Cut back to Moe and Shemp in the phone booth. They’re still tied up with phone wires. Moe and Shemp have their hands tied onto their faces]
SHEMP: Get your hand out of my face!
MOE: That ain’t my hand, it’s your hand.
SHEMP: Alright, you asked for it. [bites his hand thinking it’s Moe’s] Ow!!
MOE: Wait wait!
SHEMP: Oh!
[Cut to Larry outside the phone booth. A woman walks by him]
LARRY: [to the woman] Say miss, would you like to get married?
WOMAN: What?
LARRY: Get married!
WOMAN: Well, I don’t know. But you are kinda cute at that. [pinches Larry’s chin]
LARRY: Oh, it’s not me. It’s him. [points to Shemp in the phone booth]
[We see Shemp’s face smashed up against the glass of the phone booth]
WOMAN: [screams] Ahhhh! [slaps Larry and leaves]
[Cut to Moe and Shemp inside the phone booth. They are fighting and struggling to free themselves from the phone wires]
MOE: We got to get out of this! There isn’t much time left. You know, don’t you?
SHEMP: Alright!
[The phone booth collapses. Moe and Shemp fall on the floor]
LARRY: What happened?
MOE: That’s what I wanna know
[The scene ends and new scene begins in the hallway. The stooges see a bellboy help a lady, Miss Hopkins, to her room]
MOE: [to Shemp and Larry] Wait a minute!
[Miss Hopkins turns around and sees the stooges. She walks into her room. The stooges simultaneously wolf whistle]
MOE: Did you get a load of that?
LARRY: What a dish!
SHEMP: I wonder who she is?
MOE: We’ll soon find out!
[The bellboy passes by Moe]
MOE: [stops the bellboy] Oh, boy!
BELLBOY: Yes!
MOE: Who’s the new dame?
BELLBOY: A Miss Hopkins. [leaves]
MOE: [to Shemp] “Miss” Hopkins! Did you hear that, kid?
LARRY: And good looking too! Go get her Shemp.
SHEMP: Heep eep eep!
[Shemp gets ready to approach Miss Hopkins, but Moe pulls him by the hair]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: Wait a minute! You can’t propose to a girl looking like that. We gotta give you the works. Come on!
[Moe and Shemp walk down the hallway.]
MOE: [slaps Shemp] Go on!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in a room where Moe and Larry are helping Shemp get fixed up. Larry is ironing Shemp’s jacket. Shemp is standing up and shaving in front of a small mirror that’s hanging from the ceiling. Moe is sewing Shemp’s trouser’s as he shaves. Shemp is not standing still.]
MOE: Stand still, will ya? We gotta get going. It’s three o’clock now.
LARRY: Yeah? And if you don’t marry that girl by six o’clock, we’re out of the money.
[Moe is having a hard time sewing Shemp’s trousers because he can’t stand still]
MOE: I said stand still! [pokes Shemp in the leg with the sewing needle.]
[Shemp accidentally hits his left eye with the shaving cream brush. Shaving cream ends up all over his eye]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh Moe! Moe, I’m blind! You burnt my eye out! Get a towel, Moe. Get a towel! Oh ho ho ho!
[Moe walks up to the drawer to get a towel.]
SHEMP: Oh oh!
[Moe opens the top drawer, but he can’t find any towels]
MOE: [to Shemp] Hey, where are the towels?
SHEMP: In the bottom drawer.
[Moe leaves the top drawer open. He bends down and opens the bottom drawer.]
MOE: [finds the towel] I got it!
[Moe stands up and his head hits the top drawer and breaks. The broken drawer is around Moe’s neck]
LARRY: [sees Moe] Hahahaha! You sure look funny with a buster brown collar.
MOE: Hold that! [gives Larry the towel]
LARRY: Oh.
[Moe takes the broken drawer off his neck and he breaks it on Larry’s head]
MOE: You do too. [takes the towel from Larry]
SHEMP: Where are ya?
[Moe walks up to Shemp]
MOE: Here. [gives Shemp the towel]
[Shemp cleans his face with the towel]
MOE: Say, I forgot to tell you. When the afternoon papers come out, you’re gonna be famous.
SHEMP: How come?
MOE: I gave the story to the reporters. Yes sir! “Shemp Howard to inherit and half a million bucks.” Let’s get going, kid!
[Shemp starts shaving his face in a very fast and rough manner. Larry sees him and looks scared. Shemp still won’t stand still as he shaves and this makes it hard for Moe to sew his trousers]
MOE: I’m telling you to hold still now. I’m warning you.
SHEMP: [accidentally gets shaving cream on Moe’s hair] Oh, excuse me. [rubs off the shaving cream on Moe’s head]
[As Larry irons, he accidentally irons his hand]
LARRY: Yaah!
[Shemp resumes shaving and he still isn’t standing still. He is moving around in circles]
MOE: Hold still!!
[Moe crawls and follow Shemp as he moves around in circles shaving. He hits his head on the table]
MOE: Oh!
SHEMP: [accidentally hits the mirror in front of him] Oh! Almost has seven years of hard luck.
[Shemp grabs the shaving cream brush and he brushes some shaving cream on his face. He then accidentally puts some shaving cream on the mirror]
SHEMP: Oh! How do you like that?
[Larry continues to iron. Shemp continues to shave and still doesn’t stand still]
MOE: I said stand still! [pokes Shemp’s leg with the needle]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey, I cut of my head! I cut off my head!
[Moe gets up and sees that the mirror in front of Shemp has turned around]
SHEMP: Moe, my head is off! Moe! My head is off! [starts sobbing] My head is off!
[Moe turns the mirror around and Shemp sees his face]
SHEMP: Oh, there I am and as pretty as a picture.
MOE: Yeah, of an ape. [slaps Shemp] Now, get going!
MOE: This means a half a million dollars.
SHEMP: I know what it means.
[Larry finishes ironing Shemp’s jacket. He is still holding the iron and he walks up to Shemp to give him his jacket. However, the cord is not long enough, so he ends up getting pulled back, so he places the iron down on the chair. He walks up to Shemp]
LARRY: Here you are! [gives Shemp his jacket and he puts it on]
MOE: Boy, am I tired.
SHEMP: [grabs the bowl of water] Where do I throw this water?
[Moe sits down on the chair where Larry left the iron on]
MOE: [sits on the iron] Ahhhhh!
[Moe pushes the bowl of water Shemp is holding. All the water splashes all over Shemp]
SHEMP: Oh!
[Dissolve to the hallway. Shemp is all fixed up]
MOE: You look good. You look great, kid. You’re a cinch. Go to it!
[Shemp turns around and backs down. Moe and Larry grab him]
MOE: Come on! Come on!
[Shemp looks at Moe and Larry who are hiding in the next room. He then knocks on Miss Hopkins’ door. He walks up to Moe and Larry but they signal to him to get back. Shemp knocks on the door again. Miss Hopkins answers the door]
SHEMP: Hello!
MISS HOPKINS: Oh, hello!
SHEMP: [turns around] Heeb eeb eeb eeb eeb!
[Miss Hopkins pulls Shemp into the room]
MISS HOPKINS: Come in! Cousin Basil, oh! [hugs Shemp and kisses him]
MISS HOPKINS: I’m so happy to see you. [kisses Shemp twice]
SHEMP: I…I---
MISS HOPKINS: I’ve just been dying to meet you. [kisses Shemp again]
SHEMP: I---
MISS HOPKINS: [holds onto Shemp’s face] And you’re even cuter that Aunt Sadie said you were. [continues to kiss Shemp several times]
[Cut to the hallway where Moe and Larry are hearing the kisses]
LARRY: Oh boy! Success!
MOE: Yeah, listen to those kisses. [grabs Larry and kisses him in the cheek]
[The bellboy passes by and sees Moe kissing Larry]
MOE: Cut it out! [slaps Larry]
[Cut to Miss Hopkins room]
MISS HOPKINS: [kisses Shemp] Oh, you must be exhausted after your long trip. Sit down! [pushes Shemp down on the couch] Let me look at you, Cousin Basil. [pulls Shemp up] Oh! [hugs and kisses Shemp]
[The phone rings]
MISS HOPKINS: Now, don’t you go away! [pushes Shemp back down on the couch]
[Miss Hopkins picks up the phone]
MISS HOPKINS: [on the phone] Hello? Yes, this is Miss Hopkins. You’re Cousin Basil? Well, then who is--- [points to Shemp]
SHEMP: [gets up and approaches Miss Hopkins] I was ju---
MISS HOPKINS: [slaps Shemp] How dare you pretend to be my Cousin Basil?! [slaps Shemp] I’ll teach you a thing or two! [slaps Shemp twice] You wolf! [bonks Shemp on the head]
SHEMP: Oh! [puts his arms in front of him to prevent Miss Hopkins from striking him]
MISS HOPKINS: Don’t you dare strike me! [slaps Shemp]
SHEMP: Who---
MISS HOPKINS: [slaps Shemp several times] Taking advantage of a poor, weak, helpless woman!
[Cut to the hallway where Moe and Larry can hear Miss Hopkins beating Shemp]
LARRY: [to Moe] Boy, his kisses are getting’ louder.
[Cut to Miss Hopkins room. Miss Hopkins slaps Shemp several more times]
MISS HOPKINS: You, you, you horrible person, you! [punches Shemp]
[Shemp falls through the door and breaks it down by accident. Moe and Larry help Shemp get up]
MOE: Get up there!
LARRY: What happened, kid?
SHEMP: Can I help it if I ain’t Cousin Basil? [collapses on the floor]
[Moe and Larry quickly grab Shemp and pull him up. Miss Dinkelmeyer walks down the hallway and sees Shemp. She runs up to him]
DINKELMEYER: Oh, professor! Are you alright?
SHEMP: Oh, I’m fine.
[Shemp collapses on the floor again. Moe, Larry and Miss Dinkelmeyer help Shemp up]
SHEMP: [to Larry] All I wanted to do was propose, but---
DINKELMEYER: [grabs Shemp] Propose!! Oh, professor, this is so sudden! [hugs Shemp]
MOE: You mean, you’ll really marry him?
DINKELMEYER: Oh, of course. He’s my little old dream boat! [plays with Shemp’s hair]
SHEMP: Your little dream boat is sailing [makes a ship horn noise] Hooo! Hooo! [walks away]
MOE: [grabs Shemp] Wait a minute. You’re gonna sail away from a half a million bucks? We only got two hours left. Come on! Get goin’!
[The stooges and Miss Dinkelmeyer walks down the hallway as the scene ends. A new scene begins on a sign that reads: “J.M. Benton- Justice of Peace”]
[Dissolve to the inside of the Justice of the Peace’s apartment. Mr. Benton walks up to the door and he lets the stooges and Miss Dinkelmeyer inside]
BENTON: Come right in, folks. Hehe! Yes, yes indeed.
MOE: [gives Benton the marriage license] Say, here’s the license. My pal wants to get married in a rush.
BENTON: Oh, splendid! [the phone rings] Oh, excuse me!
[Mr. Benton answers the phone]
BENTON: [on the phone] Hello? Who? Mr. Howard? Yes, he’s here. [gives the phone to Moe]
MOE: [on the phone] Hello. Yes? What? How many of them? Wow! Yeah, yeah! Ok, thanks. [hangs up the phone]
[Moe approaches Shemp]
MOE: That was the clerk at the apartment. Those dames you phoned this morning found out about the five hundred grand in the papers. [to Benton] Come on, pal. We gotta make this fast.
BENTON: Have you got the ring?
SHEMP: [reaches in his pocket] Why, certainly. Certainly, I got it. Oop!
[Shemp takes out the ring from his pocket, but it flies off his hand and into the grand piano. It lands under the strings inside]
MOE: It went in the piano.
[The stooges walk up to the piano]
MOE: Get it!
[Shemp looks inside the piano]
MOE: You see anything?
SHEMP: Yeah, wires. [Moe pushes Shemp’s face into the piano and we hear a dissonant chord] Listen you!
MOE: What?
SHEMP: You know, I think the piano’s out of tune.
MOE: Go on!
[Moe pushes Shemp’s face into the piano again and we hear a dissonant chord]
SHEMP: I think I see it.
[The cover of the piano falls on Shemp and his head is caught inside the piano]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh!
[Moe and Larry lift the cover off the piano and they help Shemp get his head out]
MOE: Look out. Get up out of there.
SHEMP: Help! Get me outta here. My face! Oh! [to Moe] You wanna spoil my looks?
MOE: Impossible. Never mind your face and get that ring. It’s a quarter of six.
[Shemp looks inside the piano again. Shemp yanks a string out of the piano and it hits Moe in the eye]
MOE: Oh!
SHEMP: Oh, I’m awful sorry.
MOE: So am I. [pushes Shemp’s face down into the piano] Get outta here!
[The cover of the piano falls on Shemp again and his head is caught inside the piano]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh! Ohh!
MOE: Quit playing around in there and get that ring!
SHEMP: Oh oh oh! Ohh!
[Moe kicks Shemp in the rear as he’s caught inside the piano]
SHEMP: Oh! Get me out of here! Get me out of here!
MOE: That dummy! Alright.
[Moe and Larry yank Shemp out of the piano and he ends up all tangled up with the piano strings]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh!
MOE: He’s all tangled up with wires!
LARRY: Alright, we’ll back him up and we’ll break him out.
MOE: Alright, easy!
[Moe and Larry pull Shemp back to break the strings that Shemp is tangled up in]
BENTON: [walks up to Larry] Oh, my poor piano!
LARRY: [pushes Benton away] Shut up!
MOE: Hey! Sit him down. We’ll get a new grip.
[Moe and Larry sit Shemp down. When they let him go, Shemp gets pulled by the strings and he hits his face on the piano twice]
[Moe and Larry run up to Shemp to help him get up]
MOE: Easy now. Wait! Get this stuff off!
SHEMP: Oh oh oh!
MOE: You get into messes every time. Give me your arm.
[Moe and Larry pull the strings off of Shemp]
MOE: A few minutes left and no ring, no nothing.
SHEMP: Wait a minute, fellas. [picks up the ring on the floor] Here’s the ring!
MOE: How do you like that? Get up! [picks Shemp up]
[The stooges walk up to Benton]
MOE: Ok, partner. We’re ready for the kickoff.
BENTON: Join hands, you lovebirds.
[We hear a bunch of women clamoring. They all enter the room]
WOMAN #1: [pointing to Shemp] There he is!
WOMAN #2: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
[The women stop clamoring]
WOMAN #2: [pointing to Dinkelmeyer] Who is this character?
BENTON: She’s the bride!
WOMAN #3: [pushes her way through] Oh yeah? Not while I got my strength. [hits Shemp with a newspaper] Tell the truth, didn’t you propose to me?
SHEMP: Yes, but I’m with--- [turns to Miss Dinkelmeyer]
WOMAN #3: [pulls Shemp] Didn’t you?
SHEMP: Yes, but you turned me down.
WOMAN #3: That was before I read the papers. [hits Shemp with the newspaper in her hand] Now I accept. [puts her arm around Shemp’s arm] Ok, toots. Let her rip!
WOMAN #4: Oh no! He proposed to me too.
[The women start clamoring again. They all fight over Shemp]
LARRY: [to Moe] Look at that! We better do somethin’ fast.
MOE: Yeah!
[Moe pushes his way into the crowd]
MOE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What’s going on here?
[Several women hit Moe in the head with the newspaper]
MOE: Oh!
[Women #3 grabs Moe by the hair]
MOE: Oh oh oh!
[A woman kicks Moe in the leg twice]
MOE: Ow! Ow!
LARRY: [to the women] Ladies! Ladies! [The women start hitting Larry with newspapers] Oh!
WOMAN #4: Stop it, you big bully! Stop it, you big bully!
[A woman kicks Larry in the leg]
LARRY: Oww! [The women hit Larry with newspapers] Oh!
[A woman grabs Larry by the hair. Another woman rips a chunk of hair off of Shemp’s head]
SHEMP: Ohhhh!
[Miss Dinkelmeyer and Shemp walk up to Benton]
DINKELMEYER: Oh, justice please. Please!
BENTON: Yes.
DINKELMEYER: Hurry up.
BENTON: Yes indeed. [opens his book] Hold hands, you love birds.
[Woman #3 grabs the bird cage and puts it over Benton’s head. She then pull Miss Dinkelmeyer away from Shemp]
DINKELMEYER: Ohh!
[Woman #3 grabs Shemp’s head]
[Miss Dinkelmeyer sees the cage over Benton’s head]
DINKELMEYER: Oh my goodness. Oh! [takes the cage off of Benton’s head]
[Woman #3 grabs Shemp by the hair and places his head under the letter press]
SHEMP: Oh oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Woman #3 turns the wheel on the letter press to tighten it]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh oh!
[The rest of the woman continue to fight. Moe and Larry are still determined to stop it. Larry grabs a gun to use as a club]
MOE: Wait a minute! You wouldn’t hit a lady with that. [gives Larry a rifle] Use this, it’s bigger.
LARRY: Oh, thanks.
[As the women fight, one of the woman gets pushed backwards and lands on the chair in front of Larry. Larry attempts to swing the rifle at her, but he accidentally hits Moe, who is behind him]
MOE: Oh!
[The woman gets up, grabs the rifle from Larry and hits him on the head with it]
LARRY: Ohh!
[Woman #3 continues to crush Shemp’s head with the letter press]
WOMAN #3: Will you marry me?
SHEMP: Never. [Woman #3 continues to tighten the letter press] No!! Oh!!!
[As the women continue fighting with each other, Woman #4 gets pushed backwards]
WOMAN #4: Oh!
[Woman #4 lands on the chair in front of Moe. Moe attempts to swing the rifle at her, but he accidentally hits Larry, who is behind him]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: [turns to Larry] What happened?
[Woman #4 gets up, grabs the rifle from Moe and hits him on the head with it]
MOE: Oh!
[Woman #3 continues to tighten Shemp’s head on the letter press]
[Moe and Larry set a bear trap on the chair. Moe walks up to one of the woman and starts blubbering. He turns around and the woman grabs him by the hair. She then pushes Moe’s face and he gets pushed back. Moe lands on the bear trap on the chair]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh! Ahhhhh! Wooooo!
[Woman #3 continues to tighten Shemp’s head on the letter press]
SHEMP: I’m gettin’ a headache.
WOMAN #3: I’ll fix your headache. [tightens the letter press more]
SHEMP: Ohhh!
[Moe is in pain because the bear trap is caught in his rear]
MOE: Oh oh! Larry! An octopus has got me! Larry! [gets up]
LARRY: Hold still. Hold still a minute!
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: I’ll get it. Hold still. [tries to get the bear trap off of Moe’s rear]
[Woman #3 is still tightening the letter press on Shemp’s head]
WOMAN #3: Now, what do you say?
SHEMP: I give up. I’ll marry you.
[Woman #3 untightens the letter press]
[Two women fight with each other. One woman throws a vase of flowers at the other woman, but she ducks. The vase hits Shemp and knocks him out. Woman #3 walks up to the other women in anger]
[Miss Dinkelmeyer grabs Shemp and picks Benton up]
DINKELMEYER: Oh, Mr. Benton. Please, please hurry.
SHEMP: Hold hands, you lover birds.
[Larry yanks the bear trap off of Moe’s rear]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Oh oh!
LARRY: How are you?
MOE: How am I. [slaps Larry] What do you mean, how am I?
[Moe and Larry walk up to Shemp]
BENTON: [to Shemp and Dinkelmeyer] Congratulations, both of you.
DINKELMEYER: Oh, thank you. [to Moe and Larry] We’re married.
LARRY: [looks at his watch] We made it. It’s six o’clock and you’re married.
SHEMP: [confused] What happened? What happened?
MOE: You’re married, kid. Say something.
SHEMP: [looks at Miss Dinkelmeyer and yells] Help! Help!
[Shemp runs towards the camera as Moe and Larry grab him]
--THE END--
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