Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-09-27
HOKUS POKUS
[ The short opens inside of an apartment. A woman named Mary is sitting in a wheelchair and looking into a mirror while putting on lipstick. ]
[ A knock is heard on the apartment door. Mary puts down the mirror and backs her wheelchair up a little bit. ]
MARY: Come in.
[ A man named Cliff enters the apartment ]
CLIFF: Baby!
MARY: Cliff!
[ Mary immediately gets up from her wheelchair and hugs Cliff ]
MARY: Hello, darling!
CLIFF: Gosh, baby, you look terrific. Say, how much longer you gonna keep up this act for the wheelchair? When’s the insurance company gonna pay off?
MARY: Today, darling. The insurance adjuster’s taking me to his office in the insurance building. Then I collect $25,000!
[ Mary and Cliff hug each other again ]
CLIFF: What a gal! Say, uh… who did you get for witnesses this time?
MARY: Well, there are three saps living downstairs who’ve been waiting on me hand and foot. They’ve sworn I’m a hopeless cripple.
[ The camera shows the Stooges in their apartment asleep in their bed and snoring loudly ]
MOE: [ snoring ] Hmmmm…
LARRY: [ snoring ] Hmmmm…
ALL STOOGES: [ snoring in harmony ] Hmmmmmmmm…
[ The Stooges each turn over in their sleep while mumbling ]
MARY: [ to Cliff ] Alright, darling, see you soon.
CLIFF: Bye.
[ Mary and Cliff blow a kiss to each other and Cliff exits the apartment ]
[ Mary picks up a hammer and begins banging a Morse code message on a steam pipe in her apartment. Downstairs in the Stooges’ apartment, the Stooges awaken as they hear Mary banging on the pipe. ]
MOE: Hey, it’s Mary!
[ The Stooges get up out of bed and yawn. Moe and Shemp stretch out their arms, accidentally punching Larry in the face. ]
LARRY: OOH!
MOE: Come on!
[ The Stooges walk over to the steam pipe in their apartment. Moe picks up a hammer and bangs on the steam pipe to send a Morse code message back to Mary. Mary bangs another message on her pipe to the Stooges. Shemp holds his head closer to the pipe. ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] What’s she sayin’?
LARRY: She says she wants breakfast. Tell her we’ll bring it up as soon as we shave and dress. That’s a dot…
MOE: Dot…
[ Without looking, Moe bangs the hammer on the side of Shemp’s face, thinking that Shemp is the pipe ]
LARRY: Dash-dash…
MOE: Dash-dash…
[ Moe bangs the hammer two more times on Shemp’s face ]
LARRY: Dot-dot…
MOE: Dot…
[ Moe bangs the hammer a few more times on Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: Hey, cut it out, will ya?! Does my head look like a steam pipe?
MOE: No - a steam pipe hasn’t got ears! Besides, what are ya beepin’ about? All I did was hit ya like this--
[ Moe taps the hammer lightly on Shemp’s head ]
SHEMP: It was harder than that...
MOE: Well, at the most, it was only like this--
[ Moe taps the hammer lightly on Shemp’s head again ]
SHEMP: It was much harder than that! I’ll show ya.
[ Shemp takes Moe’s hammer, then whacks himself very hard on the head with it. Without reacting to the hit, he returns the hammer to Moe. ]
SHEMP: See?
[ Suddenly, Shemp feels the pain from the hit ]
SHEMP: [ gasps ] OHHHHH!!
[ Shemp staggers around dazedly and Moe grabs him ]
MOE: Take it easy, kid.
LARRY: [ angrily ] Alright, alright! Break it up, we got work to do, see?
MOE: Don’t you use that tone of voice to me, or I’ll--
LARRY: You’ll what?!
[ Larry rapidly waves his hand back-and-forth, up-and-down in front of Moe’s face as Moe follows it ]
MOE: [ holding out hammer ] See that?
LARRY: Ahh…
[ Larry slaps down Moe’s hand holding the hammer, causing Moe’s arm to spin around and whack the hammer on his own head ]
MOE: OOOHHH!! OH!
[ As Moe holds his head in pain, Larry and Shemp run away from him in fear ]
LARRY: Get busy! Do your exercises!
[ Shemp bends his upper body all the way forward as we hear a loud cracking sound from his back. Larry lifts Shemp’s upper body back up, but it automatically bends back forward again as we hear another loud cracking sound. Moe walks up behind Shemp. ]
SHEMP: Help me up!
MOE: Sure…
[ Moe kicks Shemp in the behind, causing Shemp to fall forward on the floor ]
SHEMP: Thanks!
[ Moe and Larry walk to the kitchen ]
SHEMP: Now that I’m down here, I can do my swimmin’. Eeeeb-eeb!
[ Shemp moves his arms around on the floor as if he’s swimming. Moe and Larry walk back over to him. ]
MOE: Hey, barracuda!
[ Shemp spits out water up at Moe and Larry’s faces. Moe walks off-camera for a few seconds, and returns with a fishing hook. He places the hook into Shemp’s open mouth and pulls him up from the floor. ]
SHEMP: OHHH-HHH-HHHH-HHHH…
MOE: Get up here! Listen, halibut, I’ll filet you! We gotta get shaved, Mary’s waitin’! Come on!
[ The Stooges walk up to a table with three cups of shaving cream and a shaving brush. The Stooges each pick up a cup and spin their brush around in the shaving cream. ]
MOE: HIKE!
LARRY: HIKE!
[ The Stooges reach out their brushes and begin spreading shaving cream all over each other’s faces, including their foreheads ]
MOE: HIKE!
LARRY: HIKE!
[ The Stooges switch places with each other, then continue spreading shaving cream all over each other’s faces ]
MOE: [ singing ] Laaaa-la-la-leeee, la-la-LAAAAAAAAA--
[ As Moe sings with his mouth wide open, Shemp accidentally puts the shaving brush into Moe’s mouth. Moe spits out the brush and some shaving cream. ]
MOE: HIKE!
LARRY: HIKE!
[ The Stooges take their shaving razors and begin shaving each other’s faces very shoddily ]
[ As Moe is shaving Shemp’s face, Shemp sticks out his tongue and Moe swipes his razor across Shemp’s tongue a few times ]
MOE: HIKE!
[ As Moe is shaving Larry’s face, the razor gets caught under Larry’s nose for a few seconds ]
[ Moe sticks out his tongue as Shemp shaves it with his razor a few times ]
MOE: Right!
[ As Shemp is shaving Moe’s face, he accidentally drops the razor on the floor ]
SHEMP: Your face is too sharp!
[ Moe continues shaving Shemp’s face ]
[ Larry digs his razor inside his shirt, and pulls out a big ball of chest hair ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Towel!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Towel!
SHEMP: [ to his left ] Towel!
[ Shemp realizes that there’s nobody to his left ]
SHEMP: Low man again!
[ Shemp rushes over to the refrigerator ]
MOE: Hurry up with those hot towels!
[ Shemp opens up the refrigerator and pulls out a bowl with three steaming hot towels inside ]
SHEMP: Hot towel comin’ up!
[ Shemp removes the bowl lid and picks up the hot towels, burning his hands ]
SHEMP: OOOOH! OOH!
[ Shemp rushes back to Moe and Larry with the towels ]
MOE: Towel!
[ Shemp throws a hot towel into Moe’s face ]
MOE: OOH!
LARRY: Towel!
[ Shemp throws a hot towel into Larry’s face ]
SHEMP: Towel!
[ Shemp throws the remaining towel into his own face. The Stooges begin rubbing their own faces with the hot towels, then they turn to each other and clean off each other’s faces with the towels. Moe slaps the towel sharply into Shemp’s face. ]
MOE: Shampoo!
SHEMP: Shampoo!
[ Shemp bows his head down and Moe scrubs Shemp’s hair with the towel ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Powder!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Powder!
SHEMP: [ pushing Moe ] Take a powder! Go on!
[ Moe walks off-camera for a few seconds and returns with a jar of powder ]
MOE: Nice beautiful talcum powder! Schlemeil #8!
[ Shemp and Larry begin touching the powder ]
MOE: AAACHOOOO!!!
[ Moe’s loud sneeze causes the powder to accidentally blow up in the air into the Stooges’ faces. The Stooges spit powder out of their mouths. ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges standing in front of the mirror after they’ve finished putting on their clothes ]
[ Shemp is putting on his tie and accidentally ties the knot too close to his neck, almost choking himself ]
SHEMP: NGOOO!!
[ The Stooges hear Mary banging another Morse code message into the steam pipe from upstairs ]
MOE: Hey, fellas! We’d better rush the breakfast. Mary’ll be starved!
LARRY: Yeah, I’ll light the stove and make the hotcakes.
SHEMP: I’ll cook the eggs.
MOE: I’ll get the cereal.
SHEMP: Good. What are we waitin’ for? Let’s go!
[ The Stooges begin dancing around arm-in-arm in circles ]
MOE: [ singing ] Naa-naa-naa-hee-naa-nee-naa--
[ The Stooges arms end up getting tangled together from their dancing ]
MOE: Wait a minute!
SHEMP: Look out!
[ The Stooges untangle their arms ]
SHEMP: What’s the matter?
[ Moe double-slaps Shemp and Larry ]
MOE: Nothin’! [ to Shemp ] Go on! Fix those eggs! [ to Larry ] Get outta here!
[ Moe and Larry walk off-camera as Shemp walks up to a frying pan and several eggs on a dressing table ]
SHEMP: Ohh, nice fresh cacklefruit!
[ In the kitchen, Larry is looking around ]
LARRY: Oh, I gotta have a mixing bowl.
[ Larry opens up a cabinet and sees several bowls ]
LARRY: Ah! Let’s see…
[ Larry tips over a bowl in front of his face ]
LARRY: Ah, too small. [ sees a bigger bowl ] This one’ll do--
[ Larry tips the big bowl over in front of his face and water splashes out all over him ]
LARRY: [ angrily ] What stupid, imbecilic fool put that u-- [ pauses, then covers his mouth ] I did! Oh, am I dumb!
[ Back in the living room, Shemp is cooking fried eggs on the pan. Moe walks up behind him. ]
MOE: You lamebrain! Fried eggs? Mary likes ‘em scrambled!
[ Moe kicks Shemp in the behind ]
MOE: I oughta mash ya like a potato!
SHEMP: OOOHH!
[ In pain, Shemp accidentally flips the pan back, causing the fried eggs to land off-camera out of the pan. Shemp looks around in confusion wondering where the eggs went, then he turns around and is startled to see Moe with the fried eggs over his eyes. ]
MOE: Hey, Moe, where’d you get the sunglasses?
MOE: [ takes off the eggs ] I bought ‘em… [ slaps Shemp with the eggs ] Get outta here and get busy!
[ Shemp walks off-camera and Moe walks up to the frying pan ]
MOE: I’ll take care of this. Lemme see now… the coffee grinder. Yeah.
[ Moe opens one of the drawers to the dressing table and pulls out a coffee grinder ]
MOE: There we are! [ places grinder on table ] Ah!
[ Moe pulls out a can of lard ]
MOE: The old lard! Ha ha! [ opens can ] Yes, sir!
[ Moe picks up a big spoon. He takes out a scoop of lard and puts it on the frying pan. ]
MOE: One…!
[ Moe takes out a second scoop of lard and puts it on the frying pan ]
MOE: Two…!
[ Moe takes out a third scoop of lard and puts it on the frying pan ]
MOE: Three…! That’s fine!
[ Moe puts the can of lard back into the drawer, then picks up a few eggs ]
MOE: Henfruit!
[ Moe cracks the eggs open and pours all the yolk down into the coffee grinder funnel, along with the eggshells. Moe begins turning the coffee grinder crank around. ]
MOE: [ singing ] La-leeeeee, la-la-heeeee…
[ Moe takes out the egg yolk from the grinder and pours it into the frying pan. He begins stirring the yolk around the pan. ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges in Mary’s apartment with her breakfast and a folding table. Mary is sitting in her wheelchair. ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Go on, nitwit! Set that table up so Mary can have her breakfast! Hurry up!
SHEMP: Alrig--
[ Shemp begins walking away with the folding table, then he stops and turns back to Moe, then waves his hand back-and-forth in front of his and Moe’s faces ]
SHEMP: AAWWWWWWWW….
[ Moe slaps Shemp’s hand forward, causing it to smack Shemp’s face ]
MOE: Go onnn! Get outta here!
SHEMP: I’m goin’! I’m goin’!
[ Shemp walks away and places the folding table upside down on the floor. He pulls out one leg and stands it up. As he pulls out the second leg and stands it up, the first leg falls back down. ]
SHEMP: Oh…
[ Shemp pulls back out the first leg and stands it up, then the second leg falls down ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?
[ Shemp pulls back out the second leg and stand it up. Now the first two legs are standing up. Shemp walks over to the third leg, pulls it out, and stands it up. Suddenly, all three legs fall down. ]
SHEMP: Ohh, gettin’ to be a wiseguy, huh?
[ Shemp stands up the first two legs again ]
SHEMP: There ya are! There ya a--
[ Shemp makes sure the two legs are still standing up, then he stands back up the third leg. He jumps back to the first two legs to make sure they’re still stable. He rubs his hands together, then goes up to the fourth leg. As soon as he stands it up, all four legs fall back down. ]
[ Shemp begins bawling loudly, then lays backwards into a chair with his behind sticking up in the air. Moe walks up to Shemp and kicks him in the behind. ]
MOE: Hey!
SHEMP: OH!
[ Shemp stands up next to Moe ]
MOE: What’s the matta with you?!
SHEMP: This thing is haunted! Everytime I lift the legs, they jump back.
MOE: You’re an imbecile! There’s nothin’ wrong with it, I’ll show ya!
[ Moe pulls out and stands up each of the four legs ]
MOE: One… two… three… four! Now get this table set! [ slaps Shemp ] Go on! [ leaves ]
SHEMP: Cut it out! [ to the legs ] Funny, you stay up for him…
[ Shemp crouches down on the floor next to the table and bends his head forward to pick the table up. Suddenly, all four legs fall back down and one of the legs falls on the back of Shemp’s head. ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OH! [ sobs ]
[ The same leg falls down over Shemp’s fingers ]
SHEMP: OOWWWWWW!!! [ releases his hand ] Oww… ohh…
[ Shemp looks at his hand and one of his fingers are bent, leading him to think the finger has been cut off ]
SHEMP: Ngoo, my finger!! [ looks under table leg ] Where’s my finger?! Where’s my finger?!
[ Shemp realizes that his finger was just bent ]
SHEMP: Oh, there it is… [ to the table ] Oh, wiseguy, eh?! RUFF!! RUFF!! Mmm!
[ Shemp stands up, then throws the folder table at the wall in anger. After the table slams into the wall, all four legs automatically pop out and the table stands up on the floor by itself. Shemp looks on in surprise, then walks up to the table. ]
SHEMP: Remember, no tricks.
[ Shemp takes the table over to Mary ]
LARRY: [ to Mary ] Wait’ll you see what we got for breakfast this morning.
MOE: Nice cold hotcakes smothered in vinegar.
[ A knock is heard on the door ]
MARY: Come in.
[ A man enters the apartment ]
INSURANCE ADJUSTER: How do you do? I’m the new adjuster from the Calamity Insurance Company.
MARY: How do you do?
SHEMP: Ohh… so you’re the crook that’s been holdin’ out on this kid! Everyone knows that sh… you owe her dough! Why don’t ya pay her? She’s a cripple! Come on, now, start somethin’! I’d like to bop you right in the bean!
[ Shemp takes out a pair of pliers and puts it over his left shoulder ]
SHEMP: Knock this off my shoulder! You lookin’ for trouble? Knock it off!
[ Moe walks up behind Shemp, takes the pliers off of Shemp’s shoulder, and whacks Shemp on the head with it ]
SHEMP: OOH!! Ooh… ohh…
[ Moe squeezes Shemp’s nose with the pliers and pulls him away with it ]
SHEMP: OOOHHHHHH!!! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Ohh-ohh!
[ Larry walks up to the insurance adjuster ]
LARRY: Oh, adjuster, eh?! I knew you was a crook the minute you walked through that door!
[ The insurance adjuster eyepokes Larry ]
LARRY: NGGH!
[ Moe pulls Larry away by the hair, as Shemp walks back up to the adjuster ]
SHEMP: Think I’m afraid of ya, eh? Just because you’re a big insurance man, huh? If you don’t pay her the money that she’s got comin’ to her… I’ll… [ starts moving legs around rapidly ] Why, I’ll give it to ya good, boy! [ throws fist next to adjuster’s face ] Shoot one that way! You know, I could just-- [ throws fist next to adjuster’s face ] Shoot one that way! [ leans against adjuster ] Whooooooaaaa, boy! What are ya gonna do about it?
[ Shemp double-slaps the insurance adjuster. The adjuster tries to slap Shemp back, but Shemp ducks out of the way, then turns around. ]
SHEMP: Where is he?
[ Shemp turns back around and the adjuster aims a slap at him, but Shemp slaps the adjuster’s hand away. ]
SHEMP: Ohh! You’re gettin’ smart, eh?
[ The adjuster double slaps Shemp ]
SHEMP: Oh, a little harder, eh?
[ Shemp double slaps the adjuster, followed by the adjuster slapping Shemp one more time ]
SHEMP: Ohh, a wiseguy! So ya meant it, eh?
[ Shemp holds up his fists and sticks out his foot. The insurance adjuster stomps on Shemp’s foot. ]
SHEMP: OHHHH!!! OH! OH!
MOE: [ grabs Shemp’s hair ] Cut out this nonsense! Mary, we got work to do, we’ll see ya later. [ grabs Larry’s hair ] Come on! [ to insurance adjuster ] Mister, open that door!
[ The adjuster opens the door and Moe drags Shemp and Larry towards the door by their hair ]
MOE: Get goin’!
SHEMP: Alright!
[ Moe accidentally bumps Shemp and Larry into the wall while exiting the door ]
SHEMP: OOOH!
MOE: Come on here!
SHEMP: Where ya goin’?!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges entering a building dressed in their paperhanger uniforms and carrying their equipment. ]
LARRY: Let’s hurry this up, so we can get back and help Mary.
MOE: That’s what we’re gonna try to do here.
SHEMP: Hey, Larry, did you--
[ As Shemp turns towards Larry, the broom Shemp is carrying over his shoulder smacks Moe in the face ]
MOE: OOH!
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] What’s the matter with you?
[ As Shemp turns towards Moe, Shemp’s broom smacks Larry in the face ]
LARRY: OOH!!
MOE: What’s the matter with me?!
[ As Shemp turns back towards Larry, the broom smacks Moe on the face again ]
MOE: OH!!
SHEMP: What’s goin’ on??
MOE: Why, ya nitwit, you! Get busy or I’ll pulverize ya! Go on!
SHEMP: Alright!
MOE: I’m the only guy that does anything around here!
[ Shemp dips his broom into a bucket of plaster. He begins spreading plaster on an empty billboard over the wall. As he swings the broom back, the handle hits Moe over the stomach. ]
MOE: OOH!!
[ Shemp continues spreading plaster, while Moe lights a cigar. As Shemp brings the broom back, the handle hits Moe on the stomach again. ]
MOE: UUMPH!
[ Moe accidentally swallows the cigar ]
MOE: [ coughs loudly ]
[ Shemp’s broom handle swings back again, getting caught inside of Moe’s open mouth. Moe pulls out the broom handle. ]
MOE: Why, you!! [ grabs Shemp ] You nitwit, you! What’s the matta with you?! [ grabs broom from Shemp ] Gimme that brush! You’re absolutely useless!
[ Meanwhile, Larry stands on top of the chair next to the billboard, preparing to hang the poster up. He turns back towards Moe and Shemp. ]
LARRY: Hey--
[ Without looking, Moe accidentally swipes the broom brush back and forth over Larry’s face, getting plaster all over him ]
LARRY: GFFF! GUUPP!
MOE: I’m sorry, kid.
LARRY: Why don’t you look what you’re doin’?!
MOE: I said I’m sorry, so shaddap!! [ smacks Larry in the face with the broom brush ]
LARRY: UHH!
MOE: Go on, get that thing up there or I’ll knock your brains out!
LARRY: Alright, alright… [ begins hanging the poster ]
MOE: Hurry up!
LARRY: Okay, don’t be a--
MOE: Line ‘er up!
LARRY: I got it... There we go.
[ Moe swipes the broom brush across the poster a couple of times. Then Larry steps down from the chair and the Stooges look over the poster. ]
MOE: Okay… [ reads poster ] “Here this week: the great hypnotist Svengarlic - he’ll steal your breath away”.
[ The camera pans across the room and stops as Svengarlic and his assistant enter ]
ASSISTANT: Fine, fine… But business has been generally bad. You got a great act, Svengarlic. But if you could pull some stunt that would make the front pages of the newspapers, we’d do a land off this business. For instance, if you could hypnotize somebody to walk on water, or make ‘em do a dance up there on the flagpole on that insurance building… then you’ve got somethin’!
SVENGARLIC: You got a great idea, alright. But I’ve gotta find the right person to hypnotize. Let me think…
SHEMP: [ to Moe and Larry ] Hey, wait a minute! I got an idea!
MOE: You?!
SHEMP: Yeah! Maybe we can get this Svengarlic to hypnotize Mary and make her walk.
[ Svengarlic and his assistant are listening closely to the Stooges ]
MOE: Aww… that hypnotism stuff is the bunk!
SHEMP: I’ll bet I can hypnotize you and make you do anything!
MOE: Ha ha ha!
SHEMP: For instance, look me in the eye!
[ Moe stares Shemp in the eyes ]
SHEMP: [ holds up hands ] Hocus… pocus… pocus… hocus… Alacadabra… [ flicks hand in front of Moe ] FFTT!! FFTT!! FFTT!!
[ Moe stands there stiffly with a frozen expression as if he’s in a trance ]
SHEMP: [ points to Moe’s right ] You are now in
MOE: [ in dazed voice ] I am now in
SHEMP: [ points to Moe’s left ] You are now in
MOE: [ in dazed voice ] I am now in
SHEMP: [ points to Moe’s right ] You are now in Sing-Sing!
[ Moe holds up a chair over his face as if he’s behind bars ]
MOE: [ in dazed voice ] I am now in Sing-Sing.
SHEMP: You are now in
MOE: [ in dazed voice ] I am now in Sing-Sing.
SHEMP: No!! You’re now in
MOE: [ in dazed voice ] I am now in Sing-Sing.
LARRY: You can’t get this guy outta Sing-Sing!
SHEMP: Good, that’s just where he belongs! Ha ha--
[ Moe suddenly smashes the chair over Shemp’s head ]
SHEMP: OHH! OHHH!
MOE: [ grabs Shemp’s hair ] “That’s where he belongs”, eh?! I’ll tear ya limb-from-limb!
[ Svengarlic looks at his assistant as if he has an idea, then he walks towards the Stooges ]
MOE: Come on, stop this nonsense and let’s get away from here!
SHEMP: OHHH!
MOE: I’m sick and tired of this nonsense, so cut it out! I hope you numbskulls are convinced that this hypnotism is a fake.
LARRY: Yeah…
SVENGARLIC: You are wrong, my friends. Look me in the eye, straight in the eye… in the eye!
[ Svengarlic holds up his hands, and on each of his palms is an eye drawn on it ]
SVENGARLIC: In the eye!
[ The Stooges instantly get hypnotized by his hands. He moves his hands around and the Stooges follow it with their eyes. Svengarlic motions Shemp and Moe to move over to the side. ]
SVENGARLIC: Side… [ to Larry ] Stay!
[ Svengarlic walks closer to Larry ]
SVENGARLIC: You are now a cat. Let me hear you.
[ Larry suddenly starts meowing just like a cat and he leans forward and raises his back in the air. He scratches his hands forward into the air as if he has claws. ]
[ Svengarlic winks to his assistant, then walks over to Shemp ]
SVENGARLIC: You are a monkey. Start monkey-ing.
[ Shemp makes a facial expression that makes him look like a monkey, then he begins making monkey sounds and moving his arms around like a monkey. He walks over to Larry, who’s still acting like a cat. Shemp takes off Larry hat and moves his hands around Larry’s hair. Suddenly, he slaps Larry’s head. Larry hisses back at Shemp. ]
SVENGARLIC: [ holding up hands ] Stay!
[ Svengarlic walks over to Moe ]
SVENGARLIC: You… [ points at Shemp and Larry ] Over.
[ Moe walks in a trance over to Shemp and Larry ]
ASSISTANT: Great, great, Svengarlic! We’re made! You’re a sensation, man! A sensation!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins a shot of a large crowd gathered outside of a building ]
ASSISTANT: [ on microphone ] Ladies and gentlemen, the great Svengarlic will now demonstrate the most amazing manifestation of hypnotism ever performed. Watch that flagpole on the insurance building across the street.
[ The assistant hands the microphone to Svengarlic. Svengarlic looks up at the flagpole. ]
SVENGARLIC: You are still under my spell. Come out… come out! Walk out on the flagpole.
[ The Stooges, still in a trance, walk on the flagpole of the building ]
SVENGARLIC: Walk… walk… stop! You will now start dancing! Dance… dance…
[ The Stooges begin stiffly moving their arms and legs around while standing on the flagpole ]
SVENGARLIC: Daaaance… that’s the way… dance…
[ A newspaper deliverer is simultaneously riding a bike and looking up at the Stooges on the flagpole. Not looking at where he’s riding, he accidentally bumps his bike into Svengarlic, knocking him backwards. Svengarlic crashes into the wall, causing a flower pot above him to fall down and smash to pieces over his head. Svengarlic sits down on the floor unconscious as the assistant runs up to him. ]
ASSISTANT: Good grief!! Svengarlic has been injured! Speak to me! Svengarlic, say somethin’! The boys are up on the flagpo-- [ does a double take ] The boys! [ looks up at the flagpole ]
[ The Stooges snap out of their trance and look downwards ]
LARRY: Hey! What’s that crowd doin’ down there?
[ The Stooges suddenly start losing their balance on the flagpole ]
ALL STOOGES: W-W-W-W-W-WHOAAAA!!! AAAAH!!
[ The Stooges fall off the flagpole, but Moe and Larry quickly grab back on the flagpole and hang by their hands while Shemp grabs on to Moe’s legs ]
MOE: Let go of my legs! Let go of my legs!!
SHEMP: Whaddaya think, I got wings?!
MOE: If you don’t let go, I’ll hit ya on top of the head with this flagpole!
SHEMP: I’m slippin’!!
MOE: Shemp, hold still. I’ll spit on my hands and get a new hold. I--
[ Moe is almost about to let go of the pole, but he quickly grabs back ]
MOE: WHOOAA-OOAA!!
SHEMP: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
MOE: WHAAAAA-AAAA-AAAAA!
[ Shemp tries to climb back up on Moe’s legs towards the top of the flagpole ]
SHEMP: OOOH-WHOAA! OHH!
[ Moe’s pants rip off down to his feet, causing Shemp to fall a little further down, hanging only the pants gripped to Moe’s feet ]
SHEMP: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAA!! HEY, MOE!!
MOE: What’s goin’ on?! I feel a draft!
SHEMP: MOE!!
[ Shemp lifts himself up a little further on Moe’s legs, then he looks at Moe’s inside-out pants ]
SHEMP: Hey, Moe!! Where are ya?! You’re inside-out!
[ Moe and Larry slowly lift themselves up higher on the flagpole ]
SHEMP: Moe!! Moe, don’t move!
[ All the Stooges manage to reach to the top of the flagpole and wrap their legs around it ]
MOE: How ya doin’?
LARRY: Okay…
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You up?
SHEMP: Ohh… ooh…
[ The flagpole suddenly begins cracking due to the weight of all the Stooges ]
ALL STOOGES: Ohhhhhh-ho…
[ The flagpole breaks off ]
ALL STOOGES: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
[ The flagpole sends the Stooges falling upside down into an open window, which happens to be the same room where the insurance adjuster is giving a check to Mary ]
[ The Stooges land on the floor, startling Mary and sending her jumping out of her wheelchair ]
MARY: AAAH!
[ The insurance adjuster sees Mary standing up and Mary gets a nervous look on her face ]
[ The Stooges lean up from the floor ]
SHEMP: It’s Mary! She’s cured!
LARRY: She can walk!
MOE: It’s a miracle!
[ The Stooges stand up ]
INSURANCE ADJUSTER: Thank you, boys.
[ The adjuster snatches back Mary’s check and tears it to pieces ]
MARY: OOOHH!! [ to the Stooges ] You blithering idiots!
[ Mary reaches down and pulls the metal ball off the flagpole on the floor ]
MOE: Take it easy! Take it easy!
MARY: Ooh, you imbeciles!
[ Mary tosses the metal ball in the air over to the Stooges. The ball bounces and bangs on each Stooge’s head, making the NBC chime sound. The Stooges fall to the ground with dazed facial expressions. ]
THE END
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