Films of the Stooges, The (Larry, Curly & Moe... The Columbia Shorts)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-09-07
NO DOUGH BOYS
[ The short opens on the Stooges posing for a commercial photo. They are dressed up as Japanese soldiers, wearing heavy eye make-up and fake buck teeth. They crouch down on the ground holding their arms up in surrender as an American soldier raises a bayonet towards them. A photographer is standing behind a camera. ]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Hold it… Still! [ flashes camera ] Okay, boys, get ready for the next one.
[ The Stooges stand up from the ground. Curly reaches down the ground for his rifle and as he picks it up, it accidentally whacks Moe in the face. ]
MOE: OHH! Why… you!! [ punches Curly in the stomach ]
CURLY: OOF! [ angrily ] I'll give you--
MOE: What?!
CURLY: [ kindly ] The meanest look!
MOE: Why you! [ nosehonks Curly ]
CURLY: OHH-HO!!
LARRY: Come on, now, break it up!
MOE: You stay outta this!
ALL STOOGES: [ arguing simultaneously ]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Come on, cut out this nonsense! The Latherneck Shaving Cream is waiting for these photos.
[ A phone rings in the background ]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh, there's the telephone. Now cut it out!
[ The photographer walks over to the phone and the Stooges follow him. The photographer picks up the phone. ]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Hello? [ pause ] Yes! [ pause ] Oh, yes! [ pause ] Yeeeees! [ pause ] Yes, yes, yes yes, yes, yes, yes!
ALL STOOGES: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Shut up, you idiots! [ to the phone ] I don't mean you, sir. I mean these other idiots! Uh… what I m-- [ pause ] Alright, sir. I'll be right over. [ hangs up the phone ] Fools!!
MOE: Well… you see, we--
PHOTOGRAPHER: Aw, go out and go to lunch!
MOE: Okay, we'll change our clothes.
PHOTOGRAPHER: No, don't take off those uniforms! I gotta get this work done as quickly as possible. I'll be back in 15 minutes. Go grab yourselves a bite. [ to assistant ] Come on, Joe, I want you to help me move some stuff.
[ The photographer and his assistant leave ]
MOE: How do ya like that?
LARRY: Aw, 15 minutes… How can you eat in 15 minutes? I never heard of that.
[ Curly takes out a cigarette and begins smoking ]
MOE: Let's go and eat someplace.
LARRY: I wanna go-- How about Smitty's?
MOE: Pretty goo--
[ Moe looks over at Curly and notices him smoking ]
MOE: What's the matter witchoo, you wanna burn down the scenery?! [ points off-camera ] Read that sign!
[ The camera cuts to a sign which says "Hey, You - NO SMOKING" ]
CURLY: [ reads ] Hey, you, no smokin'!
MOE: Well?
CURLY: It says you, not me! [ continues smoking ] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
MOE: [ takes Curly's cigarette ] Whyyyyy you…
[ Moe puts the cigarette out by stomping it on the ground ]
CURLY: HMMMMM!!
MOE: [ to Larry ] I don't like Smitty's. Let's go to Levin's.
[ Curly takes out a bigger cigar from his pocket behind Moe and Larry's backs and begins smoking it ]
LARRY: Aww… I-- You know what I heard about--
[ Moe looks over and notices Curly smoking the big cigar ]
MOE: [ snatches Curly's cigar ] Whyyyyyyy…
CURLY: HMM! HMM-MMM-MMM!!
[ Moe stomps on Curly's cigar ]
MOE: I'll murder ya!
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Listen, don't go to Levin's. Cause when I went to the--
[ Curly takes out a smoking pipe and puts it in his mouth. Moe turns and notices. He yanks out the pipe from Curly's mouth, then whacks it on Curly's head. ]
CURLY: OHH-HO!
MOE: Now, that's that! [ to Larry ] Look--
LARRY: I'm not lending you any more money! As a matter of fact--
[ Moe and Larry look over at Curly and notice him blowing on his right thumb as if it's a cigar. Then he pours some cigar powder over his hand and pulls out a match. He flicks on the match and holds it close to his thumb to light his thumb. Soon, Curly starts blowing out real smoke from his thumb like an actual cigar. Moe and Larry stare in astonishment, then Curly blows some smoke towards their faces. ]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk--
MOE: Why you!
[ Moe opens Curly's hand, but there's nothing in there ]
CURLY: HMMM!
MOE: [ slaps Curly ] Get goin'! Go onnn!
CURLY: HNGH-HNGH!
MOE: [ pulls Larry's hair ] Come on!
LARRY: Ooh, wait--
[ The Stooges leave ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with a close-up of a newspaper headline, which reads "JAP SUB BLOWN UP OFF SHORE - U.S. COAST GUARD DEALS DEATH BLOW - 3 JAPANESE SOLDIERS ESCAPE: CITIZENS WARNED TO KEEP A SHARP LOOKOUT". The camera pulls back and reveals that a waiter inside a restaurant is reading the paper. He walks away to the back kitchen. ]
[ The Stooges enter the restaurant and take a seat at an empty table. Larry notices a basket of bread on the table. ]
LARRY: Oh, boy - bread!
[ The Stooges each take out a roll of bread and begin eating it ]
MOE: [ muffled ] Service!!
WAITER: [ off-camera ] Service, comin' up!
CURLY: [ muffled ] Hurry up!
[ The waiter re-enters with a tray holding three glasses of water. He places each glass of water next to each Stooge. ]
LARRY: [ muffled ] Mmm… this tastes good.
CURLY: [ muffled ] I like it very, very much.
MOE: [ muffled ] What's new today?
[ The waiter gets a suspicious look on his face, then takes another quick look at the newspaper headline in his pocket about the escaped Japanese soldiers. Thinking the Stooges are real Japanese soldiers, he raises his empty tray and whacks Moe and Curly on the head. ]
CURLY: WHOAHH!!
[ The waiter whacks the tray on Larry's head, bending it over his head and keeping it there as Larry sits frozen in a daze with his mouth still full of bread ]
[ Curly and Moe get up and slowly start walking towards the waiter with angry expressions. The waiter fearfully backs away and runs into the kitchen. Curly follows him. ]
CURLY: [ muffled yell ]
MOE: [ muffled ] Why you imbe--
[ The kitchen door swings towards Moe and knocks him down on the floor ]
MOE: OHH!
[ Inside the kitchen, Curly walks towards the waiter while holding up a knife ]
WAITER: Put that knife down!
CURLY: [ muffled ] You look for trouble, eh?!
[ The waiter throws a bowl of dough off-camera towards Curly then ducks out of the way. He peeks back off-camera at Curly and gets a surprised expression. ]
[ The camera cuts to Curly with the dough all over his face and the empty bowl over his head. Curly takes off the bowl, then swipes the dough off of his face. He throws the dough at the waiter's face. ]
CURLY: HMMM-MMM-MMM-MMM!!
[ The waiter slowly walks towards Curly, as Moe and Larry enter the kitchen behind Curly ]
WAITER: [ rolls up sleeves ] Why you! I'll tear ya--
[ The waiter aims a punch towards Curly, but Curly ducks and the waiter punches Moe behind Curly instead, bumping Moe into Larry ]
MOE: OOH!
[ Curly stands back up, then stomach-butts the waiter backwards towards the hot stove. The waiter's behind gets burned by the stove. ]
WAITER: AAAAAAHHH!! AAAAAAAH!!
CURLY: NYAAH-AAAH-AAAAH!
[ The Stooges exit the kitchen through the back door ]
WAITER: AHHH!! AHHH!! AHH-AHH!! AH!! AAAAAAH!!
[ The waiter sits in a bucket of water, putting out the smoke from his behind ]
WAITER: [ relieved ] Ahhh… ahhhh… ahhhhhhhhhh….
[ The waiter stands up out of the bucket, then picks up the phone and dials ]
WAITER: Hello? Police department?
[ Outside the restaurant, the Stooges are laughing to each other. Curly takes out a cigarette and lights a match. ]
CURLY: Say, I wonder what's bothering him? We didn't do anything to him.
LARRY: Yeah… Say, maybe we ate too much of his bread.
MOE: He must be nutty! I--
[ Moe does a double-take, then looks down at his and the other Stooges' Japanese soldier uniforms ]
MOE: Boy, are we dumb!
CURLY: Speak for yourself, John!
MOE: Shaddup! He thinks we're Japs!
[ Curly and Larry look down at their uniforms ]
ALL STOOGES: AH HA HA HA HA HA! He thinks we're Japs! HA HA HA--
[ The Stooges lean against a nearby wall and suddenly fall through it ]
ALL STOOGES: WHOOOOAAAA!!
[ A loud thud is heard after the Stooges fall inside the wall. The camera cuts inside the room that the Stooges have landed in, which looks like the entrance room to a house. The Stooges get up from the floor and try to find their way back out the trap door they fell through, but they can't. ]
CURLY: NYAAGH!
[ The Stooges look around the room, and Curly and Moe have their backs to each other ]
MOE: [ calling out ] Hello there?!
CURLY: Hello there!
MOE: Where are you?
CURLY: [ calling out ] Right here!
[ Moe turns around and notices Curly behind him, then looks at Curly angrily ]
CURLY: NNGH!
[ A Nazi spy named Hugo enters the room ]
HUGO: [ salutes ] Heil Hitler! Greetings, my friends and allies. How did you get in here??
CURLY: Through the "allie"! [ points to trap door ]
HUGO: Oh, I was afraid you wouldn't make it. Have you seen the paper?
[ Hugo hands the Stooges the newspaper with the same "JAP SUB BLOWN UP OFF SHORE" headline as the one shown before ]
LARRY: [ whispers ] He thinks that's us!
MOE: He's a Nazi spy. Watch your step and try and act like Japs.
CURLY: [ in Japanese accent ] Oh, so!
ALL STOOGES: [ in Japanese accent ] So! So sorry! Sank you!
HUGO: There's lots of work to be done. We must not fail! [ salutes ] Heil!
ALL STOOGES: Heil!
[ The Stooges salute and accidentally slap Hugo on the head ]
HUGO: OOOH!!
ALL STOOGES: So sorry, please!
HUGO: Yeh -- which one of you is Naki?
LARRY: Uh… me Naki!
HUGO: Which one is Saki?
MOE: Me Saki.
HUGO: [ to Curly ] Oh… then you must be Waki!
CURLY: Oh, so - very, very Waki! [ snaps his fingers several times, flicks them across his chin, then barks at Hugo ] RRUFF!!
HUGO: Yeh -- [ laughs ] Come with me. I introduce you to the ladies.
CURLY: Oh, dames!
[ Curly does a double-take and covers his mouth quickly while Hugo looks at him suspiciously ]
CURLY: HAAHH! [ smiles nervously ]
HUGO: Follow me, gentlemen.
[ The Stooges look behind themselves ]
LARRY: Oh, that are us!
[ The Stooges follow Hugo inside of a room where three German ladies are waiting ]
HUGO: Ladies - meet
CURLY: Aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw! NYARRR!
HUGO: May I present Theilia Pumpernickel… Amelia Schwatzbrut… und Celia Schweivok.
[ The ladies bow their heads forward ]
MOE: They are all very well-"bread".
CURLY: I take mine toasted! Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk--
[ Moe elbows Curly hard in the stomach ]
CURLY: UHH!
HUGO: Would you boys care for some refreshments?
ALL STOOGES: Ohh… sank you!
[ The Stooges walk over to the refreshments table ]
CURLY: Hey, we'd better get outta here before they find out who we really are.
MOE: No, we'll stick around. If the real Japs show up, maybe we can grab 'em.
LARRY: Yeah, then we'll be heroes and live happily ever after.
CURLY: If they don't kill us first!
[ Moe flicks Curly's nose ]
CURLY: OOH-HO!
MOE: Don't be so "pessiristic"!
AMELIA: [ to Hugo ] They're not real Japanese!
HUGO: I know it - they're spies. But as soon as I find out why they're here… we liquidate them!
[ Hugo leaves and the ladies walk over to the Stooges ]
CELIA: So… you are Naki, Waki, und Saki?
ALL STOOGES: So!
CELIA: I would've hardly recognized you. Remember the winter garden in
CURLY: NYAAGH! Acrobatic act?!
[ Curly wiggles his finger around inside his ear for a few seconds, then pops the finger back out ]
CELIA: Remember you tried to teach me jujitsu?
AMELIA: Jujitsu? Isn't that wonderful?
THEILIA: Oh, please show us how.
MOE: Ohh, no can do this. No… military secrets, thank you!
AMELIA: But aren't we your allies?
MOE: So! We be going into conference… [ to the other Stooges ] Naki, Waki, come backi.
[ The Stooges walk away from the ladies and huddle together ]
CURLY: What does she mean "jujitsu"?
MOE: She wants a wrestle.
CURLY: That I can do!
[ Moe grabs Curly by the neck ]
CURLY: NEE-GH-GH!!
MOE: Go on - fake somethin'.
[ The Stooges walk back over to the ladies ]
MOE: We are showing. Naki first, ma'am.
LARRY: To grabbing wrist… [ grabs Theilia's wrist ] And grabbing arm… [ grabs Theilia's arm ] Sodu… jerk!
[ Larry spins Theilia around and throws her backwards, causing her to land into a chair which slams backwards into the wall ]
THEILIA: AAH!
MOE: [ to Amelia ] Grabbing arms… So!
[ Moe grabs Amelia's arms and speaks fake Japanese, spins her around, then throws her backwards, causing her to land on sharp knitting needles on the couch ]
AMELIA: AAAAAHHH!!
THEILIA: Are you alright?!
MOE: [ to Curly ] Next…
CURLY: [ to Celia ] Now, to relaxing. I don't have to hurt you. Put right arm out so… [ holds out right arm ]
CELIA: Like this?
[ Celia grabs Curly's right arm, trips him down on the floor, then spins him around several times ]
CURLY: YAAAAH-AAAH-AAAAH!!
[ After spinning Curly, Celia releases him in the air and he crashes head-first through a wall ]
CURLY: Ahh! To getting me out, prease! [ speaks Japanese ]
MOE: Coming back, please!
[ A bird on top of Curly's head outside the wall tweets loudly ]
CURLY: Somethin' are on my topside singing!
[ The bird chips a few musical notes, then bops Curly's head with its beak two times ]
CURLY: Get it off, please.
[ The bird bops Curly's head with its beak once more ]
MOE: That are numbskull!
[ Moe and Larry walk over to Curly ]
MOE: Coming out, chucklehead!
[ Moe begins pulling Curly's head out from the hole ]
CURLY: NYYYYYGH-HHH-HHH!!
[ Curly's head is released from the hole ]
CURLY: AW-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW! HMMM!!
[ Curly waves his hand back-and-forth in front of Moe's face several times, then Curly walks forward. As he bends down to pick up his hat, Moe accidentally bumps into his behind. ]
CURLY: OOH! HMM!
[ Celia walks up to Curly, then Curly turns around and is surprised to see her ]
CURLY: NYAAH! Oh, so sorry!
[ Hugo walks back in the room ]
CELIA: [ laughs nervously ]
HUGO: What ist los here?!
CELIA: Don't be excited, Hugo. They were teaching us jujitsu. I knew these boys when they did an acrobatic act at the winter garden.
HUGO: Ja, acrobatics? I love to watch! Come on, boys, do something!
LARRY: So sorry, out of practice! Have forgotten routine!
HUGO: Nonsense - real Japanese never forget! Come on, do something!
CELIA: Ja, do the foot-to-foot dance.
CURLY: Oh, much rather to dancing cheek-to-cheek!
[ Curly dances in-place for a while, then shuffles backwards ]
CURLY: La-da-da-da-deeee, la-da-da-da-daaaa, la-da…
[ Curly dances closer to Celia, but Moe grabs him back ]
MOE: HALT!! [ to Hugo ] Excuse him, please. Conference [ to the other Stooges ] Naki, Waki, come backi.
[ The Stooges walk away from Hugo and the ladies, and huddle together again ]
MOE: We better do somethin' before that guy gets suspicious. Try and do the stuff that they did in the acrobatic act last night.
LARRY: Ooh, yes!
CURLY: Okay.
MOE: Ready, hup! [ to Hugo and the ladies ] Are watching stunt now… sitting down, please! Thank you!
[ Hugo and the ladies take a seat on the couch as the Stooges begin their acrobatic act ]
[ The Stooges toss a napkin around, then they stand together in a line with Moe in the middle. Curly and Larry hold their feet behind Moe's legs and stretch their arms out. ]
LARRY: AH-SA!
[ The Stooges toss the napkin around a few more times, then stand together in a line again with Curly in the middle this time. Moe and Larry hold their feet behind Curly's legs and stretch their arms out. ]
MOE: HAI... HAI… HAI…
[ The Stooges suddenly lose their balance and fall down on the floor. They quickly get back up. ]
CURLY: WHOOOIAAA!
[ Larry runs forward, does a cartwheel and slams on the ground. Moe and Curly follow by falling on the ground as well. Curly begins spinning around like a top. ]
CURLY: WHOOIA-WHOOIA! WHOOOOIAAAAAA!! [ looks up at the camera ] ARR-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW! RRRUFF!! RUFF!
[ The Stooges each crawl on their backs towards each other ]
[ Hugo and the ladies applaud ]
[ The Stooges stand back up, and Moe and Curly circle around each other ]
CURLY: Aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw!
MOE: [ speaks fake Japanese ]
CURLY: Aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw!
MOE: [ speaks fake Japanese ]
CURLY: Aw-aw-aw-aw!
[ Moe knocks on Curly's head several times, making a loud sound ]
CURLY: [ looking away ] Come in?
[ Moe slaps Curly ]
CURLY: HNNNGH!
MOE: WHOOYAIT!
CURLY: WHOIIA!
[ Moe plants his hand on top of Curly's head. Curly forcefully pulls Moe's hand off, then while holding Moe's hand, they both move their legs around and begin dancing in circles. ]
MOE: [ sings fake Japanese ]
[ After dancing, Curly plants his hand under his own chin. Moe kicks Curly's elbow, causing Curly to accidentally punch his own chin. Curly then stomach-butts Moe, bumping him backwards into Larry. ]
LARRY: OOH!
[ Moe pulls back out the napkin, and the Stooges toss it around. When Curly gets the napkin, he throws it down on the ground and it automatically bounces back into his hand. Then he blows his nose with it. ]
HUGO AND LADIES: [ laughs ]
[ Larry lays down on the floor and Curly grabs his hands ]
CURLY: WHOOIAA!
LARRY: WHOOIAA!
[ Curly tries leaning up on Larry's hands, but Curly's weight causes Larry's hands to slam into the ground. Then Curly begins wiggling Larry's arms around as if they have no bones. ]
CURLY: HMMM! [ looking up ] Sank you!
[ Moe lifts Larry up from the floor, then Moe lays down on the floor. Curly is about to grab Moe's hands. ]
MOE: No Waki - Naki!
CURLY: My misaki! [ backs away ]
[ Grabbing Moe's knees, Larry flips forward over Moe and lands safely on the floor ]
[ Hugo and the ladies applaud ]
MOE: Thank you.
[ Moe lays back down and Curly walks over to Moe ]
CURLY: AW-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW-AW!!
[ Curly grabs Moe's knees and tries to flip forward, but he ends up falling down over Moe's face ]
MOE: UUGHH!
[ Moe lifts Curly up a little, then bites down hard on the back of Curly's foot ]
CURLY: YOOOOOOWWWW!! MAN-SHOE-IEE!! [ stands up ] YAAAAAUUGH!! HMM!!
[ Moe stands back up ]
MOE: Hippopotamus no good for this trick. [ points at Curly ] Hippopotamus!
CURLY: GRRR!
MOE: And now, we do very beautiful trick, called "Tree High". Top man stand on middle man head with toe. If falling, are smashing head, spilling brains and blood. Veeeeery beautiful!
CURLY: Who are going to do that?!
MOE: [ points at Curly ] Top man!
CURLY: Me no top man!
MOE: Top man! [ slaps Curly ]
CURLY: Me no top man! [ slaps Moe ]
[ Moe and Curly angrily stare at each other, then look over at Larry, who's casually standing around. After a few seconds, Larry realizes Moe and Curly are staring at him. ]
LARRY: [ nervously ] Top man!
ALL STOOGES: HIYA! WHOOIAAA!!
[ Curly cups his hands and Moe jumps into Curly's hands, then stands up on top of Curly's shoulders. ]
MOE: WHOOIAA!
CURLY: WHOOIAA!
LARRY: [ running ] HIYA!
[ Larry tries to grab Moe's hand so he can reach the top, but Moe ends up getting pulled down and all the Stooges crash to the ground ]
MOE: OHHH!!
[ Hugo and the ladies look at each other with disappointed expressions ]
MOE: Oh, that was very bad!
[ The Stooges stand back up ]
MOE: Now are doing muuuch better trick - veeeery much harder, called "Tree High--" [ holds hand up high ]
CURLY: NYAH!
MOE: "--Low"! [ holds hand down low ]
[ Curly smiles ]
MOE: If bottom man not careful, breaking every bone. Thank you!
CURLY: Who are going--
MOE: [ points at Curly ] Bottom man!
CURLY: NGAAAH-HHHH!! No bottom man - top man!
MOE: I say bottom man! [ slaps Curly ]
CURLY: I say top man! [ slaps Moe ]
[ Moe bows down, followed by Curly bowing down. Suddenly, Moe slaps Curly's head down, causing Curly to fall on the floor. ]
CURLY: [ nods head ] Bottom man!
ALL STOOGES: AIII-YAIT!
[ Curly crouches down the ground. Moe gets on top of Curly and crouches on his back, followed by Larry getting on top of the pile and crouching on Moe's back. ]
LARRY: [ raises arm ] WHOOIA!
MOE: [ raises arm ] WHOOIA!
CURLY: [ raises arm ] WHOOIA!
[ Curly suddenly tips over, causing all the Stooges to crash down on the floor ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Get up!
[ The Stooges stand back up ]
MOE: That are concluding the performance. Thank you!
[ Hugo and the ladies rush over to the Stooges ]
HUGO: That was great! That was wonderful! You know, I never saw anything--
[ A phone rings in the background ]
HUGO: Yeh-- excuse me. [ leaves ]
MOE: Very hard. Must have refreshment. Sank you!
[ The Stooges rush over to the refreshments table ]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
MOE: Now listen, pla--
[ Curly puts the opening of a seltzer bottle into his mouth ]
MOE: [ snatches bottle ] What's the matta with you?!
CURLY: Gimme that!
MOE: You got it! [ sprays bottle into Curly's face ]
CURLY: I'd like to see ya do that again!
[ Moe sprays the bottle into Curly's face a second time ]
CURLY: He did it! Why you! [ grabs back bottle ] Gimme that!
[ Curly tries to spray the bottle at Moe, but he accidentally sprays it into his own face ]
CURLY: NNGGH!
MOE: Serves you right!
[ Curly pauses and just stands there ]
MOE: Serves you r--
[ Curly waves his hand back-and-forth in front of Moe's face, then raises his hand higher and higher and Moe follows it. Curly sprays some water from the bottle into Moe's face. ]
MOE: HUUUYUGHH! [ grabs Curly ] Wh-- [ stops suddenly ]
[ Outside the door, Hugo is meeting with three real Japanese soldiers ]
HUGO: I'm glad you arrived safe. I have some impostors in there! Follow me.
[ Hugo and the Japanese soldiers enter the room ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Watch your p's and q's.
CURLY: Don't forget to dot the i's!
MOE: Yeah… [ eyepokes Curly ]
CURLY: WHOOII-YAII!!
MOE: Shh!
HUGO: [ to the soldiers ] Come on!
[ Hugo and the soldiers walk up to the Stooges ]
HUGO: So - you are Naki, Saki, and Waki, huh?! You're all "Waki"! Grab them in the name of The New World Order!
[ Curly and Larry spray seltzer bottles into the soldiers' faces. Moe picks up a cake and shoves it into Hugo's face. ]
HUGO: BBBLLLGH!! Ooh, you swinehundt! [ pulls out gun ] I'll fix you!!
[ Moe grabs Hugo's arm to stop him from firing the gun ]
MOE: Hey, Curly, quick! Turn off the lights!
[ Curly flips the light switch down and the room goes black ]
HUGO: Quick! Don't let them get away!
[ Hugo's gun fires several times, followed by loud punching and groaning sounds ]
CURLY: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Turn on the lights! I think I got one!
[ Moe flips the light switch up, turning on the lights ]
[ One of the soldiers is shown hanging unconscious on top of the chandelier ]
CURLY: So there you are, eh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[ The other two soldiers run up to Curly and gang up on him. One aims a punch at Curly, but Curly ducks, causing him to punch to other soldier accidentally. ]
CURLY: Wait a minute! [ holds out right fist ] Look at that.
[ As the soldier looks at Curly's right fist, Curly bops the soldier's head with his left fist and knocks him on the ground ]
[ Moe flips back down the light switch and the room goes dark again ]
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!!
[ Hugo's gun fires several more times ]
[ A thud sound is repeatedly heard ]
LARRY: UGH… OHH… OHH!!
[ Curly flips up the light switch and the lights come back on. Curly looks off-camera in shock. ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAH!
[ The camera cuts to Moe, who's slamming Larry's head into the ground repeatedly, not realizing who he is ]
LARRY: OHH… OHH…. OHH!!
CURLY: Hey, Moe! The wrong Jap!
[ Moe looks at Larry in shock ]
MOE: Whaddaya doin' in my hands! [ slaps Larry ]
[ Curly flips back down the light switch and the room goes dark again ]
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO! WOO!
[ A bonking sound is repeatedly heard ]
CURLY: Turn on the lights. I got two of 'em! I'm bumping their heads!
[ One of the Japanese soldiers flips up the light switch and the lights come back on ]
MOE AND LARRY: [ off-camera ] OOUCH!!
[ The soldier looks off-camera in shock ]
[ The camera cuts to Curly, who's bopping Moe and Larry's heads repeatedly ]
MOE: AAGH… AAGH… AAGH…
[ Curly stops when he realizes who he's bopping together ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAH-AAAH-AAAH!
[ The soldier flips back down the light switch and the room goes dark again ]
[ A loud crash sound is heard ]
CURLY: NYAAH-AAAH-AAAH! WOO-WOO!
[ A water spraying sound is heard ]
CURLY: HAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Hey, fellas, turn on the lights! I got another one!
[ The lights turn on and we see that Curly is spraying a seltzer bottle into a soldier's mouth and the water is spraying out of the soldier's ears ]
[ Hugo sneaks up behind Curly and kicks Curly in the behind ]
CURLY: OOH!!
[ Curly turns over to Hugo ]
HUGO: You swinehundt! Now I get you!!
CURLY: Why you!
[ Hugo grabs Curly by the neck ]
CURLY: Ooh… you… ooh…
[ Moe suddenly jumps on Hugo's back ]
MOE: Take your hands off!!
[ Larry flips back down the light switch and the room goes dark again ]
HUGO: LOOK OUT!!
CURLY: Get 'im over here, Moe! Get 'im over here!
[ A ripping sound is heard ]
HUGO: Look out for my clothes, you're tearing it!
[ Larry flips up the light switch and the lights come back on. Larry looks off-camera in shock ]
HUGO: [ off-camera ] Look out for my clothes!
[ The camera cuts to Moe and Curly tearing Hugo's clothes off, revealing Hugo in his long-johns covered with swastika designs ]
[ Moe punches Hugo in the stomach ]
HUGO: OHH!!
[ Larry walks up to Hugo while carrying a globe ]
LARRY: So you ratzies wanted the world, eh?! Well, take it!!
[ Larry smashes the globe over Hugo's head, then the Stooges blow into his face, knocking him down backwards onto the floor unconscious ]
MOE: Ahh… [ points to Hugo ] Is that not a swastika?
CURLY AND LARRY: Ja, this is a swastika!
MOE: [ points to Hugo ] Is that not a dirty rat?
CURLY AND LARRY: Ja, this is a dirty rat!
THE END
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