Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: AmalgamatedMoron
Date Added: 2008-08-25
[The Short opens with a close-up of a sign that reads: Superior Warehouse and Storage Co. The camera then fades-in, to a wide shot inside the warehouse. Shemp is unloading material off of a cart, and Moe is counting inventory with a clipboard.]
[Moe then turns to read the Asian label on a crate. He leans in a bit and points his pencil at the label]
MOE: (singing with Asian accent as he points to each Oriental character) Ah-ka-sata-na, my-yara-wah, oon-ool-yun-die-ng. Oooh! knick knacks.
[Shemp then walks up to Moe with a wicker box on his shoulder]
SHEMP: Well, this is the last one.
[Moe motions to a tall stack of boxes behind him]
MOE: Ok, put it up there.
[Shemp puts the box on top of the stack next to him and Moe, but it's leaning over the edge. He then brushes the dust off his hands]
MOE: Pretty Good. We got everything from the dock to the warehouse without bustin' a single box.
[Shemp knocks on the stack of boxes next to them]
SHEMP: Well let's knock wood, that's all.
[The box Shemp just stacked falls over, breaks open, and out fall all of the contents. Shemp covers his head as the box falls]
SHEMP: (continuing to cover head) I'm sorry Moe, I...
[Moe reaches over and tickles Shemp on his side. Shemp laughs and drops his arms. Moe hits Shemp on the head with his clipboard]
SHEMP: [in pain] OOH!
MOE: Now pick that stuff up and put it in another box, and step lively!
SHEMP: (dazed) Alright.
[Shemp leans over to pick up the mess]
MOE: Wait, I think we're missing a couple crates of china. Larry...where's Larry?
[Moe then kicks Shemp and hits him on the butt with his clipboard on his way to find Larry]
MOE: Get outta my way here!
[Scene cuts to Larry in the warehouse office. He's making a pot of coffee on a hot plate. He lifts the lid and takes a whiff]
LARRY: Nothing like time out for a good cup of coffee.
[Larry pulls a cup and saucer from a crate of china. He then throws the cup back into the crate, breaking it in the process. Scene cuts to Moe opening the door of the room Larry is in. He spots Larry and crosses his arms in anger. Larry fills the saucer with coffee. Moe walks up beside Larry, but Larry doesn't notice him]
LARRY: Well, cheers.
MOE: Cheers?
[Larry startled by Moe, turns toward Moe, pouring the pot of coffee all over him]
[Moe screams in pain, and takes the coffee pot from Larry]
LARRY: (holding out his arms) I'm sorry Moe. Please forgive me.
[Moe pours coffee on Larry's right hand, and then smacks Larry in the face with his own hand. Larry screams in pain. Moe (mumbling indistinctly) then bangs Larry on the head with the coffee pot. Moe points to a bunch of boxes behind Larry]
MOE: Get those boxes with the rest of the stuff!
[ Larry picks up a stack of boxes and walks out. John Bradley walks into the office. Moe goes over to greet him]
MOE: Yes sir. What can I do for you?
JOHN BRADLEY: I'm John Bradley. Did my shipment come in from the Orient?
MOE: Oh, yes sir, Mr. Bradley. Just sit down.
[Moe pushes Mr. Bradley back onto the chair where Larry had placed the hot plate. Bradley sits down on the hot plate. (sizzle and smoke)]
MR. BRADLEY: Ahhhh! Oh! Ooo! Ooo!
[Bradley jumps up in pain, with his suit pants stained white from the hot plate rings]
MOE: Oh, so sorry. So stupid of me.
[Moe fans Mr. Bradley's backside with his clipboard]
MR. BRADLEY: Yeah!
[Moe shows Mr. Bradley his clipboard]
MOE: Look Mr. Bradley. All your junk is here.
MR. BRADLEY: Don't call it junk. It took me six months to get that collection together. It's priceless, especially the china.
MOE: Yes sir!
MR. BRADLEY: I want everything sent to my residence immediately.
MOE: We'll have it out there this afternoon.
MR. BRADLEY: All right.
[Scene cuts to Shemp hammering a box top on. In walks Larry carrying a box. He drops it next to Shemp. Larry points to some boxes by Shemp]
LARRY: Hey Shemp. All this stuff goes back in the truck.
SHEMP: Awww, we just unloaded.
LARRY: I know, but the guy wants it delivered today.
SHEMP: Aw, he wants it delivered.
[Scene cuts to Moe and Mr. Bradley. Moe is tapping his clipboard with the back of his hand]
MOE: It's all there Mr. Bradley. I checked everything myself.
MR. BRADLEY: All right, but be careful how you handle this stuff.
MOE: (Moe pointing his finger at Bradley) Don't you worry. We're gentle as a flock of kittens.
[Scene cuts to Shemp carrying a large box on his shoulder. He walks up to a cart to unload. Just as he turns around to offload the box onto the cart, Larry pulls the cart away from the opposite end. Shemp drops the box. CRASH! Scene cuts back to Moe and Bradley]
MR. BRADLEY: (startled) Merciful heavens! What was that?
[Bradley begins to move toward the noise. Moe restrains Bradley]
MOE: Oh, it could be any number of a thousand things. Now take it easy.
[Moe again pushes Bradley back onto the chair containing the hot plate]
MOE: Sit down, be calm and relax.
[Bradley holding a piece of china, sits down on the hot plate. (sizzle, smoke)]
MR. BRADLEY: (throwing and breaking the china as he stands in pain) Ahhhh!...Ooo! Oh!
[Scene cuts to Larry and Shemp. Larry is opening the box Shemp dropped]
SHEMP: Gee, I hope nothing happened to the china.
LARRY: We'll soon find out. Open it up.
[Shemp opens the box and pulls out a couple broken pieces. Camera widens to show Moe standing close to Larry and Shemp. He grabs two ceramic pots from a nearby box]
SHEMP: Moe will wring our necks.
LARRY: Don't worry, he won't know nothing about it. Because I'll...
[Moe walks over and smashes the two pots over Larry and Shemp's heads]
SHEMP: (turning to Larry) Did you hear a loud noise?
LARRY: Well...
[Larry and Shemp finally "feel" the effects of the pots, and fall over as if to be unconscious. Scene cuts to a later time. Shemp is loading a crate, and in walk Moe and Larry]
MOE: (to Shemp) Hurry up with that crate.
SHEMP: (mumbling) All right.
[Moe and Larry walk up to a very large wooden crate]
MOE: Ok, first up, let's get this loaded.
[Moe and Larry grab opposite sides, and begin to tip the crate to Moe's side]
MOE: Easy on the weight now.
LARRY: All right. Easy, got it?
MOE: Easy now.
LARRY: Here we go. Heave!
MOE: (straining under the weight) Ohh!
[The crate is tipped over, and picked up. They begin to walk with the crate]
MOE: Uh-oh, I forgot something
[Moe let's go of the crate and walks away, with Larry still carrying it. Somehow Larry is able to carry the crate by himself. Scene cuts to Shemp who looks up and notices Larry carrying the large crate unassisted, he looks shocked at what he sees. Shemp continues to pack his crate. (Larry drops the crate) CRASH! Shemp is startled by the noise, but continues to pack the crate anyway. Two Arabian men slowly peek over a stack of boxes located just behind Shemp. Shemp then turns to pick up some packing material behind him. The Arabian men quickly duck back down out of sight. Shemp then turns back around and places the packing material in the crate. The Arabian men slowly emerge again]
SHEMP: I don't know. I got a funny feeling I'm being watched...aaa.
[Shemp picks up a brass lamp]
SHEMP: Hmmm, what a pretty little syrup pitcher.
[The Arabian men behind Shemp notice the lamp. One grabs the others shoulder in surprise, as if that's the item they are after. Shemp blows the dust off of the lamp, then rubs the lamp with his forearm to further clean it. POOF! A puff of smoke, and the genie appears. The Arabian men disappear behind the boxes. Shemp turns and notices the genie beside him]
SHEMP: (startled) Heeeeeeeep!
GENIE: I am your slave, the genie of the lamp.
SHEMP: The genius of the lamp? (pointing to lamp) Did you come out of here?
GENIE: I am here to grant your wishes. Command and I obey.
[The Arabian men appear again from behind the boxes. Spying on Shemp and the genie]
SHEMP: My wishes? You mean anything?
GENIE: Yes master.
SHEMP: What have I got to lose? Ok big boy, you can start me out with a new suit. Something sharp.
[POOF! A big puff of smoke and the genie disappears along with the Arabian men. Shemp is decked out in a fancy Zoot Suit. Chain, hat, and all.]
SHEMP: He's a genius all right. (looking over suit) Checks! Oh, look at that suit! And a chain! (runs hand over brim of hat) The skimmer!
SHEMP: Ooh! Wait till the dames get a load of me! Oh, boy!
[Shemp runs off just as the Arabian men appear again from behind the boxes. Arabian man #1 attempts to grab Shemp as he runs off, but misses him. Scene cuts to Larry picking up a wicker basket. Shemp runs up behind him]
SHEMP: Hey Larry, Larry.
LARRY: (turns around without noticing Shemp's clothes) Hi. (Then turns back around to the basket)
[Larry turns back around and notices Shemp's new suit]
SHEMP: How do you like my new outfit?
LARRY: Where did that come from?
[The two Arabian men peek over a stack of boxes next to Shemp and Larry]
SHEMP: (pointing to the lamp in his hand) I don't know. I just rubbed this lamp. The genius appeared, and the next thing I know I got a new set of threads...Where's Moe?
LARRY: (pointing) I guess he's out there.
SHEMP: Wait till I show him. Hey Moe! Hey Moe!
[Shemp heads off to find Moe. As Shemp leaves, Larry grabs the lamp from him]
SHEMP: (off camera) Moe!
[Larry begins to walk with the lamp as the two Arabian men continue spying on him]
LARRY: (looking over the lamp) Just rub the lamp and the genius appears? Ahhh, I don't believe that. That guy must be wack--I wonder.
[Larry looks around, then rubs the lamp with his forearm. POOF! A puff of smoke and the genie appears. Larry turns, scared by the genie, and launches the lamp over his head as he falls back]
LARRY: Naaaaah!
[The lamp flies through an opening over the door leading to the room Moe is in. The lamp bonks Moe on the head]
MOE: Oooh, oh,oh,oh! Hey, quit tossing things around out there!
[Moe picks up the lamp and throws is in a crate, then puts a top on the crate. Scene cuts to Larry and the genie. The genie picks Larry up off the floor]
GENIE: I am your slave. Make a wish, and I will grant it.
LARRY: The genie! Did you give another guy a new suit of clothes?
GENIE: Yes, master.
LARRY: Well, put him back the way he was.
[Scene cuts to Shemp running, looking for Moe. He changes back to his old cloths, but doesn't notice it]
SHEMP: Moe-Moe Moe! Where are you?
MOE: (from office) In here.
[Shemp enters the warehouse office]
SHEMP: Well, how do I look?
MOE: As ugly as ever.
SHEMP: No no, I mean the new suit and the big chain I got.
[Shemp looks down at himself and notices his new suit is gone]
SHEMP: What happened? I had it on a minute ago. Moe, I've been robbed!
[Moe grabs Shemp by the lower lip and pulls him away from the door]
MOE: I always knew you were cuckoo. Come on, get in here.
[Moe walking backwards leads Shemp to the other side of the office toward the opposite door. Just then Larry enters the door and smacks Moe in the back with the door. SMASH!]
MOE: Ohhh!
[Moe grabs Larry by his hair and pulls him into the office]
MOE: Come on in here!
LARRY: (in pain) Ohhh!
[Larry looks at Shemp, surprised that his suit is gone]
LARRY: It worked!
SHEMP: (pointing finger at Larry) Lay off that lamp will ya. That genius is working for me!
MOE: What is all this "genius" business?
[Moe grabs Shemp by the collar and pushes him into Larry. The two butt heads in pain]
MOE: What's the matter with you guys? I'd knock your brains out if you had any. Go on, get busy!
[Shemp spins around dazed and in pain. He bumps into Moe. Moe pushes Shemp away]
MOE: Go on!
[Scene cuts to the warehouse where the two Arabian men are looking through a crate, searching for the lamp]
ARABIAN MAN # 2: It's not in here. They must have hidden it well.
ARABIAN MAN # 1: We'll get it back, and we'll have their heads for this.
[Arabian man # 1 hears a noise and shuts the top of the crate on the other Arabian man's head, and then runs off. Moe, Larry, and Shemp then walk into the warehouse where the Arabian man is hidden in the crate. Moe motions to a stack of boxes]
MOE: All right you lame brains. Hustle this stuff onto the truck and don't give me no more trouble.
[Moe then turns his attention to the crate Arabian man # 2 is hidden in. He notices something sticking out over the edge. It's part of the man's head wrap]
MOE: That's might careless packing.
[Moe then rips the cloth away from the crate. He motions to Shemp]
MOE: Get on the other end and give us a lift.
[Moe notices the top on the crate isn't nailed down]
MOE: Wait a minute. That's funny, the thing ain't nailed. Come on, nail it! Get busy!
[Camera cuts to the inside of the crate where the Arabian man is trapped]
MOE: Lunkheads!
LARRY: All right, all right.
SHEMP: Don't get excited...always jumpin'.
[Camera cuts back to the outside of the crate where Larry and Shemp are nailing the top down. Scene then cuts to Moe standing by some boxes watching Shemp and Larry]
MOE: Now step on it or I'll take your heads off!
[Moe leans over to pick up a box just as Arabian man # 1 peeks over some boxes behind Moe and takes a swing at him with a sword, narrowly missing Moe]
MOE: Drafty in here.
[Moe walks off with a box. Scene then cuts to a shot of the front of Mr. Bradley's house. Camera then fades to a shot inside the house. Bradley, Moe, Shemp and Larry are walking down a hall. Moe is carrying a box, and Shemp and Larry are carrying a large crate]
MR. BRADLEY: If you boys will help me unpack this stuff, I'll make it worth your while.
[Bradley then opens a door to a room]
MOE: You betcha. (turning back toward Larry and Shemp) Come on you lugs, shake a leg!
[Moe turns and walks into the room following Bradley. Shemp and Larry are carrying the large crate with the Arabian man hidden inside. Camera cuts to the inside of the crate]
SHEMP: Boy what a load, I wonder what kinda junk he's got in here.
[Camera cuts back to the outside of the crate. We see Shemp and Larry about to enter the room behind Moe]
LARRY: Easy boy, we're getting there.
SHEMP: All right.
[Camera cuts to inside of room where Moe and Bradley are. Moe is still holding the box]
MR. BRADLEY: Put that right...
[Just then, Shemp and Larry walk in and smack Moe in the back of the head with the crate. Moe drops his box on Bradley's toes. Shemp and Larry back the crate into the hall]
MR. BRADLEY: (holding left foot in pain) Ooooo!
MOE: I'm sorry.
[Camera cuts to the hall, where Shemp and Larry are still holding the crate]
SHEMP: Ohh! Let's rest a while.
[Shemp and Larry set the crate down long ways on it's end. The Arabian man is now upside down in the crate, and crashes down toward the floor]
LARRY: (to Shemp who is bent over, stiff and in pain) You all right?
SHEMP: Yeah, I'm all right.
[Shemp walks, bent over, toward Larry]
LARRY: Come here.
[Larry pulls Shemp upright. Shemp's back cracks loudly, CRACK! Camera cuts back to Moe and Bradley, who is still holding his left foot in pain]
MOE: You know, those lunkheads just can't get anything right. I'll put two and two together...
[Moe walks out into the hallway while looking back at Bradley. He walks into the crate and knocks it over, CRASH! Camera cuts to the inside of crate where we see the Arabian man taking the brunt of the fall. He moans in pain. Camera cuts back to the hallway]
MOE: What's the matter with you nitwits?
[Moe picks up a crate hook]
MOE: You gotta use this!
[Moe jabs the end of the hook into the crate. (Loud boing!) It sinks into the Arabian man's rear end]
ARABIAN MAN # 2: (in a quiet voice) Ooooo!
SHEMP: (looking down at the hook) Oh, now I can carry it like a tooth pick.
MOE: Never mind! (pointing to Larry) Porcupine, get some more stuff off the truck.
MOE: (pointing Shemp to the opposite room) You go in there and help Mr. Bradley.
[Shemp walks into the room where Bradley is unpacking a box of his belonging. Bradley is holding the genie lamp]
SHEMP: That's it--the magic lamp! Get the genius here, and he'll grant us anything we wish.
MR. BRADLEY: (laughingly) There's nothing magical about this. I bought it for 50 cents in a little bazaar. You can have it if you want it. (Bradley hands the lamp to Shemp)
[Bradley grabs another item and walks out of the room]
SHEMP: (clutching the lamp) Mine, all mine! Hot ziggedy!
[Shemp rubs the lamp, and POOF! In a puff of smoke the genie appears]
SHEMP: Hi Amos. What detained ya?
GENIE: What do you wish master? Command and I obey.
SHEMP: Don't rush me big boy, don't rush me. Something will come to me.
[Shemp walks over and sets the lamp on the mantle above the fireplace]
SHEMP: Let's see now. (holding finger to lip, thinking...)
SHEMP: (points to genie) I got it! I want a million bucks and put it right there on the desk.
[Shemp puts his elbow up on the mantle and knocks the lamp over into the fireplace, which is currently burning. He doesn't notice his blunder]
GENIE: A million? How do you want it?
SHEMP: I wish you wouldn't bother me with details.
[Poof! A puff of smoke, and the genie disappears (apparently because of the lamp burning in the fireplace)]
SHEMP: (runs over to the desk looking for the money) Hey Amos, where's the moola? (now shouting) Amos, where are ya? Where's my million?
[Scene cuts to Moe in another room opening a crate with the teeth of a hammer. Arabian man # 1 is outside the window just behind Moe, sneaking up on him, holding a dagger in his teeth. Moe hits himself in the head with the handle of the hammer just as the Arabian man is opening the window]
MOE: (yelling to Shemp in other room) Hey Shemp, bring me that crowbar!
SHEMP: (camera cuts to Shemp in other room) I can't. I'm busy.
MOE: Oh...What is this mutiny!
[Moe puts down the hammer and walks out of the room as Arabian man #1 steps inside the room from the window. Arabian man #1 picks up the hammer and attempts to open the crate containing Arabian man #2. Camera cuts to Moe who has entered the room where Shemp is under the desk looking for the money]
MOE: What are you looking for?
SHEMP: A million dollars. It's around here somewhere.
MOE: (sarcastically) Ohhh, a million dollars.
[Moe kicks Shemp in the butt]
MOE: Come on! (pulls Shemp out from under the desk) Come on! Get up out of here! (smacks Shemp in the face) What's with you?
SHEMP: But Moe, I had the magic lamp, the genius was here, and he promised me a million bucks--I ain't kiddin'.
MOE" I ain't kiddin' either. Now cut out the nonsense. Get out of here and help Larry. (Moe turns Shemp around and gives him a swift kick in the pants, sending him out) Go ahead! Come on!
MOE: Magic lamps, geniuses--everybody's going bats around....
[Moe looks at the desk and notices a brass knick knack. (it's not the genie lamp) Just then, Arabian man #2 peeks through the curtains of a doorway, he's spying on Moe]
MOE: (picking up the brass knick knack) Ooo, could this be... (Moe blows some hot breath (ha-ha-ha) on the object, then rubs it with his forearm. Nothing happens)
[Moe looks around, then notices Arabian man #2 behind him]
MOE: (startled) Are you the genius of the lamp?
ARABIAN MAN #2: Oh yes. Make any wish and I will grant it.
MOE: What do you know! Well, there's so many things. I don't know what to wish for.
ARABIAN MAN #2: Well, take your time. I'm sure something will come to you. (He leads Moe over to the desk chair) Now, why don't you just sit down here and be comfortable?
MOE: (very thankful, and pleased) Thank you!
ARABIAN MAN #2: That's it. Relax. Just put your head down. That's it. (He directs Moe to rest his head on the desk) Close your eyes.
MOE: Ohh.
ARABIAN MAN #2: There. (as he pulls out a sword) Now are you concentrating on what you want?
MOE: Yeah, let me have it. Hurry up, I'm getting a crick in my neck.
ARABIAN MAN #2: Oh, I'll take care of that.
MOE: I want...(Moe looks up just as the Arabian man is about to take his head off, and narrowly misses losing his head)
MOE: Ahhhh!
[Moe grabs the crow bar from on top of the desk and hits Arabian man #2 over the head with it, then runs from the room. Just as he gets to the doorway with the curtains, and pulls them back, there stands Arabian man #1 with a sword. Moe hits him over the head with the crow bar. Arabian Man #2 gets up from the desk and goes after Moe again, taking a swipe with his sword, but misses Moe who runs out the other door. Moe runs down the hallway yelling and screaming]
MOE: Whoa! Help! Ahhh!
[Arabian man #2 takes chase after Moe, who ducks into another room. Arabian man #2 runs into Shemp]
SHEMP: (jumps in fear) Whoaaa! (ducks into another room and slams the door in Arabian man #2's face, who then opens the door and takes chase after Shemp)
[We then see Mr. Bradley enter the hallway from a different room holding a ceramic vase, he opens the door to the room Moe is hiding in. Moe thinks it's the Arabian man, so he hides behind the door and hits Bradley over the head with the crow bar just as he enters. Bradley throws the Vase just as he falls backward. Moe catches Bradley, and the vase breaks with a loud CRASH!]
MOE: Mr. Bradley! My mistake! Take it easy, inhale. I'll get you out of it.
[Scene cuts to Shemp and Arabian man #2, who is chasing Shemp around a table]
SHEMP: Genius, genius, Help!
ARABIAN MAN #2: (pointing sword at Shemp across table) It's no use. Without the lamp, you'll die like a dog.
[Arabian man #2 takes a swipe at Shemp across the table. Shemp ducks, and the sword only takes out some flowers sitting in a pot. Shemp stands back up and his heart is "visibly" beating fast. He grabs his chest and calms it down]
SHEMP: (In a scared tone) I suppose you think I'm scared?
ARABIAN MAN #2: Yeeeeees.
SHEMP: You're right!
[Arabian man #2 chases Shemp around the table. At one point he sets down his sword. Shemp picks it up and hands it back to him. The Arabian man thanks Shemp in a foreign tongue. He continues to chase Shemp around the table]
SHEMP: Whoa! Moe! Larry!
[At one point Shemp crawls under the table, the Arabian man lashes out with his sword, missing Shemp. Scene cuts back to Arabian man #1 who is just now shaking off the effects of being hit in the head with a crow bar by Moe. Larry then walks into the room carrying a large box on his back (he's carrying it using a hook, the box reads all over, "use no hooks") and runs into Arabian man #1 at the opposite doorway. He looks up startled by the Arabian man brandishing his sword, then drops the box and runs off]
LARRY: Yaaaaaaa!
[Arabian man #1 gives chase after Larry, but gets tripped up by a chair. Scene cuts back to Shemp and Arabian man #2 still running around the table]
SHEMP: No! Moe! Larry!
[A phone on the table rings. Shemp answers the phone]
SHEMP: Help! Police, Marines! (Shemp hands the phone to Arabian man #2) Its' for you.
[Arabian man sets down his sword and takes the phone from Shemp]
ARABIAN MAN #2: Oh, thank you. Hello?
[Shemp picks up the sword]
SHEMP: Get funny with me, will you sucker? I'll show you!
[Shemp throws the sword back over his head to take a swipe at the Arabian man, but the sword comes lose from the handle and flies back and sticks to the wall. Shemp is still holding the handle, but doesn't notice the sword is gone]
SHEMP: Okay chump, come out fighting.
[Shemp advances toward the Arabian man, then notices he's holding a empty handle]
SHEMP: Heeeep! Never mind!
[Shemp then turns and heads for the door, knocking over a chair between him and the Arabian man. Camera cuts to the hallway where we see Larry headed for the room Shemp is in. Camera cuts back inside room with Shemp who opens the door, is startled by Larry, then slams the door closed in Larry's face. Both Larry and Shemp are pulling on the door at the same time , so it won't open]
SHEMP: Larry, let me out! It's me Shemp!
[Arabian man #2 then grabs a sword off of the wall decoration from Mr. Bradley's collection. Shemp notices and takes off]
SHEMP: Whoaaa!
[Larry opens the door and peeks inside with Arabian man #2 hiding behind the door]
LARRY: Come on Shemp. Let's get out of here. (Larry then turns and looks into the hall, without noticing he grabs the Arabian man's hand) Come on.
{Larry, while holding the Arabian man's hand, walks down the hall and around the corner. He stops, let's go of his hand, and turns around]
LARRY: Well, we made it Shemp. I'll tell you what we...
[Arabian man #2 then lunges toward Larry with his sword]
LARRY: Ahhhhh! (while jumping out of the way)
[Arabian man #2 misses Larry with the sword, but sends it into the wall leading to the adjacent room. Camera cuts to the tip of the sword, which has penetrated into the room where Arabian man #1 is. Arabian man #2 plunges the sword into his accomplices rear end. Boing!]
ARABIAN MAN #1: Oooooo!
[While Arabian man #2 is attempting to pull the sword from the wall (and his friend!), Larry picks up a mace next to a suit of armor in the hall, and hits Arabian man #2 in the head, knocking him out cold. Shemp then runs up behind Larry and taps him on the shoulder. Larry turns around ready to take a swing at Shemp]
SHEMP: Hold It! It's me! Nice work kid.
LARRY: Yeah, but there may be more of these buzzards around here.
SHEMP: I'll get a club too. Smack everybody that's wearing a turban.
LARRY: Right.
[Larry runs one way, Shemp the other]
SHEMP: (as he steps over Arabian man #2 knocked out on the floor) Pardon me.
[Scene cuts to Moe and Mr. Bradley. Bradley is sitting in a chair with a cold compress and towel on his head, and Moe is running smelling salts under his nose. Bradley begins to regain consciousness]
MOE: That's it. You look good. Boy, you're doing swell. I'll go call the cops.
MR. BRADLEY: Never mind. I'll call them myself, before something else happens to me.
[Bradley then gets up and walks to the door and peeks his head out into the hallway. Larry comes down the hall from the opposite end, sees a "towel wrapped" head sticking out the door, and let's him have it over the head with the mace. DONG! Bradley is out cold. Moe walks out into the hall and sees Larry's "work"]
LARRY: (laughing - to Moe) I got another one.
MOE: You did eh?
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: What did you hit him with?
LARRY: (showing Moe the mace) That.
[Moe takes the mace from Larry and konks him on the head with it. BONG!]
MOE: Get out of here! That's Mr. Bradley!
LARRY: (holding head, looking at Bradley in disbelief) Ohh!
[Scene cuts to Shemp running back into the room with the desk and fireplace. He picks up a fireplace poker]
SHEMP: A weepin (weapon), a weepin (weapon)! Now to find a turban.
[Shemp looks down into the fireplace and notices the genie lamp in the fire]
SHEMP: The lamp!
[Shemp picks up the lamp from the fire with the poker]
SHEMP: Oh boy, oh boy! Come to Papa!
[Shemp sets the lamp down on the desk just as Arabian man #1 walks into the room and sees the lamp]
ARABIAN MAN #1: I'll take that! Stand back dog!
[Arabian man #1 picks up the lamp (sizzle, smoke)]
ARABIAN MAN #1: (in pain) Ahhhh!
[Arabian man #1 throws the hot lamp over his head just as Arabian man #2 enters the room. Arabian man #2 catches the lamp in his hands]
ARABIAN MAN #2: (in pain) Ahhhh!
[Arabian man #2 throws the lamp across the room to the other entrance just as Moe, followed by Bradley and Larry, enters the room. Moe catches the hot lamp in his hands]
MOE: Ahhhh, Ooooo! (Moe throws the lamp to Shemp)
SHEMP: Ooooo,Ohhhh!
[Shemp drops the lamp into a fish bowl next to him, which cools it down. He pulls it out and rubs it]
SHEMP: (rubbing the lamp as the two Arabian men come after him with sword and dagger) Genius, get us out of this! Don't let me down!
[POOF! A big puff of smoke. As the smoke clears we see Bradley who looks to his right with surprise, as the camera pans to the left and we see the two Arabian men tied up with heavy rope to a couple of chairs. Bradley then looks back toward the desk area with even greater surprise as wee see Moe, Larry, and Shemp sitting on the floor surrounded by three beautiful women]
SHEMP: (As woman strokes his face) Heeep! Heeeep! Heeep!
[Camera then shows Moe who is being fed grapes by one of the women. Then we see Larry with his head in one women's lap, she is twirling his curly hair with her fingers]
Shemp; What I tell ya. The genius came through!
MOE: What a lamp! (snickers as he pinches the woman's cheek) Just what I've been wishing for.
LARRY: (as the woman twirls his hair) Your my type, baby--a woman!
SHEMP: Come on sugar, let's go places.
[They all stand up from the floor]
SHEMP: Hey Amos, you got that stuff I ordered?
GENIE: (from another room) Coming master.
[The genie walks in with a wheel barrel full of cash, gold, and jewelry. Moe, Larry, Shemp and the girls all gather around with cheers as they root through the treasure]
SHEMP: What are we waiting for? Let's go!
[They all walk out with the loot. Shemp is last, with a girl on one arm, and holding the lamp in the other. He stops by Bradley who has a look of amazement and disbelief]
SHEMP: (holding the lamp up in Bradley's face) So long Mr. Bradley, and thanks for the lamp.
[Mr. Bradley with a look of great disappointment, and moans of frustration, grabs a hammer and hits himself in the head several times. Bang! Bang! Bang!...]
-- THE END --
[Moe then turns to read the Asian label on a crate. He leans in a bit and points his pencil at the label]
MOE: (singing with Asian accent as he points to each Oriental character) Ah-ka-sata-na, my-yara-wah, oon-ool-yun-die-ng. Oooh! knick knacks.
[Shemp then walks up to Moe with a wicker box on his shoulder]
SHEMP: Well, this is the last one.
[Moe motions to a tall stack of boxes behind him]
MOE: Ok, put it up there.
[Shemp puts the box on top of the stack next to him and Moe, but it's leaning over the edge. He then brushes the dust off his hands]
MOE: Pretty Good. We got everything from the dock to the warehouse without bustin' a single box.
[Shemp knocks on the stack of boxes next to them]
SHEMP: Well let's knock wood, that's all.
[The box Shemp just stacked falls over, breaks open, and out fall all of the contents. Shemp covers his head as the box falls]
SHEMP: (continuing to cover head) I'm sorry Moe, I...
[Moe reaches over and tickles Shemp on his side. Shemp laughs and drops his arms. Moe hits Shemp on the head with his clipboard]
SHEMP: [in pain] OOH!
MOE: Now pick that stuff up and put it in another box, and step lively!
SHEMP: (dazed) Alright.
[Shemp leans over to pick up the mess]
MOE: Wait, I think we're missing a couple crates of china. Larry...where's Larry?
[Moe then kicks Shemp and hits him on the butt with his clipboard on his way to find Larry]
MOE: Get outta my way here!
[Scene cuts to Larry in the warehouse office. He's making a pot of coffee on a hot plate. He lifts the lid and takes a whiff]
LARRY: Nothing like time out for a good cup of coffee.
[Larry pulls a cup and saucer from a crate of china. He then throws the cup back into the crate, breaking it in the process. Scene cuts to Moe opening the door of the room Larry is in. He spots Larry and crosses his arms in anger. Larry fills the saucer with coffee. Moe walks up beside Larry, but Larry doesn't notice him]
LARRY: Well, cheers.
MOE: Cheers?
[Larry startled by Moe, turns toward Moe, pouring the pot of coffee all over him]
[Moe screams in pain, and takes the coffee pot from Larry]
LARRY: (holding out his arms) I'm sorry Moe. Please forgive me.
[Moe pours coffee on Larry's right hand, and then smacks Larry in the face with his own hand. Larry screams in pain. Moe (mumbling indistinctly) then bangs Larry on the head with the coffee pot. Moe points to a bunch of boxes behind Larry]
MOE: Get those boxes with the rest of the stuff!
[ Larry picks up a stack of boxes and walks out. John Bradley walks into the office. Moe goes over to greet him]
MOE: Yes sir. What can I do for you?
JOHN BRADLEY: I'm John Bradley. Did my shipment come in from the Orient?
MOE: Oh, yes sir, Mr. Bradley. Just sit down.
[Moe pushes Mr. Bradley back onto the chair where Larry had placed the hot plate. Bradley sits down on the hot plate. (sizzle and smoke)]
MR. BRADLEY: Ahhhh! Oh! Ooo! Ooo!
[Bradley jumps up in pain, with his suit pants stained white from the hot plate rings]
MOE: Oh, so sorry. So stupid of me.
[Moe fans Mr. Bradley's backside with his clipboard]
MR. BRADLEY: Yeah!
[Moe shows Mr. Bradley his clipboard]
MOE: Look Mr. Bradley. All your junk is here.
MR. BRADLEY: Don't call it junk. It took me six months to get that collection together. It's priceless, especially the china.
MOE: Yes sir!
MR. BRADLEY: I want everything sent to my residence immediately.
MOE: We'll have it out there this afternoon.
MR. BRADLEY: All right.
[Scene cuts to Shemp hammering a box top on. In walks Larry carrying a box. He drops it next to Shemp. Larry points to some boxes by Shemp]
LARRY: Hey Shemp. All this stuff goes back in the truck.
SHEMP: Awww, we just unloaded.
LARRY: I know, but the guy wants it delivered today.
SHEMP: Aw, he wants it delivered.
[Scene cuts to Moe and Mr. Bradley. Moe is tapping his clipboard with the back of his hand]
MOE: It's all there Mr. Bradley. I checked everything myself.
MR. BRADLEY: All right, but be careful how you handle this stuff.
MOE: (Moe pointing his finger at Bradley) Don't you worry. We're gentle as a flock of kittens.
[Scene cuts to Shemp carrying a large box on his shoulder. He walks up to a cart to unload. Just as he turns around to offload the box onto the cart, Larry pulls the cart away from the opposite end. Shemp drops the box. CRASH! Scene cuts back to Moe and Bradley]
MR. BRADLEY: (startled) Merciful heavens! What was that?
[Bradley begins to move toward the noise. Moe restrains Bradley]
MOE: Oh, it could be any number of a thousand things. Now take it easy.
[Moe again pushes Bradley back onto the chair containing the hot plate]
MOE: Sit down, be calm and relax.
[Bradley holding a piece of china, sits down on the hot plate. (sizzle, smoke)]
MR. BRADLEY: (throwing and breaking the china as he stands in pain) Ahhhh!...Ooo! Oh!
[Scene cuts to Larry and Shemp. Larry is opening the box Shemp dropped]
SHEMP: Gee, I hope nothing happened to the china.
LARRY: We'll soon find out. Open it up.
[Shemp opens the box and pulls out a couple broken pieces. Camera widens to show Moe standing close to Larry and Shemp. He grabs two ceramic pots from a nearby box]
SHEMP: Moe will wring our necks.
LARRY: Don't worry, he won't know nothing about it. Because I'll...
[Moe walks over and smashes the two pots over Larry and Shemp's heads]
SHEMP: (turning to Larry) Did you hear a loud noise?
LARRY: Well...
[Larry and Shemp finally "feel" the effects of the pots, and fall over as if to be unconscious. Scene cuts to a later time. Shemp is loading a crate, and in walk Moe and Larry]
MOE: (to Shemp) Hurry up with that crate.
SHEMP: (mumbling) All right.
[Moe and Larry walk up to a very large wooden crate]
MOE: Ok, first up, let's get this loaded.
[Moe and Larry grab opposite sides, and begin to tip the crate to Moe's side]
MOE: Easy on the weight now.
LARRY: All right. Easy, got it?
MOE: Easy now.
LARRY: Here we go. Heave!
MOE: (straining under the weight) Ohh!
[The crate is tipped over, and picked up. They begin to walk with the crate]
MOE: Uh-oh, I forgot something
[Moe let's go of the crate and walks away, with Larry still carrying it. Somehow Larry is able to carry the crate by himself. Scene cuts to Shemp who looks up and notices Larry carrying the large crate unassisted, he looks shocked at what he sees. Shemp continues to pack his crate. (Larry drops the crate) CRASH! Shemp is startled by the noise, but continues to pack the crate anyway. Two Arabian men slowly peek over a stack of boxes located just behind Shemp. Shemp then turns to pick up some packing material behind him. The Arabian men quickly duck back down out of sight. Shemp then turns back around and places the packing material in the crate. The Arabian men slowly emerge again]
SHEMP: I don't know. I got a funny feeling I'm being watched...aaa.
[Shemp picks up a brass lamp]
SHEMP: Hmmm, what a pretty little syrup pitcher.
[The Arabian men behind Shemp notice the lamp. One grabs the others shoulder in surprise, as if that's the item they are after. Shemp blows the dust off of the lamp, then rubs the lamp with his forearm to further clean it. POOF! A puff of smoke, and the genie appears. The Arabian men disappear behind the boxes. Shemp turns and notices the genie beside him]
SHEMP: (startled) Heeeeeeeep!
GENIE: I am your slave, the genie of the lamp.
SHEMP: The genius of the lamp? (pointing to lamp) Did you come out of here?
GENIE: I am here to grant your wishes. Command and I obey.
[The Arabian men appear again from behind the boxes. Spying on Shemp and the genie]
SHEMP: My wishes? You mean anything?
GENIE: Yes master.
SHEMP: What have I got to lose? Ok big boy, you can start me out with a new suit. Something sharp.
[POOF! A big puff of smoke and the genie disappears along with the Arabian men. Shemp is decked out in a fancy Zoot Suit. Chain, hat, and all.]
SHEMP: He's a genius all right. (looking over suit) Checks! Oh, look at that suit! And a chain! (runs hand over brim of hat) The skimmer!
SHEMP: Ooh! Wait till the dames get a load of me! Oh, boy!
[Shemp runs off just as the Arabian men appear again from behind the boxes. Arabian man #1 attempts to grab Shemp as he runs off, but misses him. Scene cuts to Larry picking up a wicker basket. Shemp runs up behind him]
SHEMP: Hey Larry, Larry.
LARRY: (turns around without noticing Shemp's clothes) Hi. (Then turns back around to the basket)
[Larry turns back around and notices Shemp's new suit]
SHEMP: How do you like my new outfit?
LARRY: Where did that come from?
[The two Arabian men peek over a stack of boxes next to Shemp and Larry]
SHEMP: (pointing to the lamp in his hand) I don't know. I just rubbed this lamp. The genius appeared, and the next thing I know I got a new set of threads...Where's Moe?
LARRY: (pointing) I guess he's out there.
SHEMP: Wait till I show him. Hey Moe! Hey Moe!
[Shemp heads off to find Moe. As Shemp leaves, Larry grabs the lamp from him]
SHEMP: (off camera) Moe!
[Larry begins to walk with the lamp as the two Arabian men continue spying on him]
LARRY: (looking over the lamp) Just rub the lamp and the genius appears? Ahhh, I don't believe that. That guy must be wack--I wonder.
[Larry looks around, then rubs the lamp with his forearm. POOF! A puff of smoke and the genie appears. Larry turns, scared by the genie, and launches the lamp over his head as he falls back]
LARRY: Naaaaah!
[The lamp flies through an opening over the door leading to the room Moe is in. The lamp bonks Moe on the head]
MOE: Oooh, oh,oh,oh! Hey, quit tossing things around out there!
[Moe picks up the lamp and throws is in a crate, then puts a top on the crate. Scene cuts to Larry and the genie. The genie picks Larry up off the floor]
GENIE: I am your slave. Make a wish, and I will grant it.
LARRY: The genie! Did you give another guy a new suit of clothes?
GENIE: Yes, master.
LARRY: Well, put him back the way he was.
[Scene cuts to Shemp running, looking for Moe. He changes back to his old cloths, but doesn't notice it]
SHEMP: Moe-Moe Moe! Where are you?
MOE: (from office) In here.
[Shemp enters the warehouse office]
SHEMP: Well, how do I look?
MOE: As ugly as ever.
SHEMP: No no, I mean the new suit and the big chain I got.
[Shemp looks down at himself and notices his new suit is gone]
SHEMP: What happened? I had it on a minute ago. Moe, I've been robbed!
[Moe grabs Shemp by the lower lip and pulls him away from the door]
MOE: I always knew you were cuckoo. Come on, get in here.
[Moe walking backwards leads Shemp to the other side of the office toward the opposite door. Just then Larry enters the door and smacks Moe in the back with the door. SMASH!]
MOE: Ohhh!
[Moe grabs Larry by his hair and pulls him into the office]
MOE: Come on in here!
LARRY: (in pain) Ohhh!
[Larry looks at Shemp, surprised that his suit is gone]
LARRY: It worked!
SHEMP: (pointing finger at Larry) Lay off that lamp will ya. That genius is working for me!
MOE: What is all this "genius" business?
[Moe grabs Shemp by the collar and pushes him into Larry. The two butt heads in pain]
MOE: What's the matter with you guys? I'd knock your brains out if you had any. Go on, get busy!
[Shemp spins around dazed and in pain. He bumps into Moe. Moe pushes Shemp away]
MOE: Go on!
[Scene cuts to the warehouse where the two Arabian men are looking through a crate, searching for the lamp]
ARABIAN MAN # 2: It's not in here. They must have hidden it well.
ARABIAN MAN # 1: We'll get it back, and we'll have their heads for this.
[Arabian man # 1 hears a noise and shuts the top of the crate on the other Arabian man's head, and then runs off. Moe, Larry, and Shemp then walk into the warehouse where the Arabian man is hidden in the crate. Moe motions to a stack of boxes]
MOE: All right you lame brains. Hustle this stuff onto the truck and don't give me no more trouble.
[Moe then turns his attention to the crate Arabian man # 2 is hidden in. He notices something sticking out over the edge. It's part of the man's head wrap]
MOE: That's might careless packing.
[Moe then rips the cloth away from the crate. He motions to Shemp]
MOE: Get on the other end and give us a lift.
[Moe notices the top on the crate isn't nailed down]
MOE: Wait a minute. That's funny, the thing ain't nailed. Come on, nail it! Get busy!
[Camera cuts to the inside of the crate where the Arabian man is trapped]
MOE: Lunkheads!
LARRY: All right, all right.
SHEMP: Don't get excited...always jumpin'.
[Camera cuts back to the outside of the crate where Larry and Shemp are nailing the top down. Scene then cuts to Moe standing by some boxes watching Shemp and Larry]
MOE: Now step on it or I'll take your heads off!
[Moe leans over to pick up a box just as Arabian man # 1 peeks over some boxes behind Moe and takes a swing at him with a sword, narrowly missing Moe]
MOE: Drafty in here.
[Moe walks off with a box. Scene then cuts to a shot of the front of Mr. Bradley's house. Camera then fades to a shot inside the house. Bradley, Moe, Shemp and Larry are walking down a hall. Moe is carrying a box, and Shemp and Larry are carrying a large crate]
MR. BRADLEY: If you boys will help me unpack this stuff, I'll make it worth your while.
[Bradley then opens a door to a room]
MOE: You betcha. (turning back toward Larry and Shemp) Come on you lugs, shake a leg!
[Moe turns and walks into the room following Bradley. Shemp and Larry are carrying the large crate with the Arabian man hidden inside. Camera cuts to the inside of the crate]
SHEMP: Boy what a load, I wonder what kinda junk he's got in here.
[Camera cuts back to the outside of the crate. We see Shemp and Larry about to enter the room behind Moe]
LARRY: Easy boy, we're getting there.
SHEMP: All right.
[Camera cuts to inside of room where Moe and Bradley are. Moe is still holding the box]
MR. BRADLEY: Put that right...
[Just then, Shemp and Larry walk in and smack Moe in the back of the head with the crate. Moe drops his box on Bradley's toes. Shemp and Larry back the crate into the hall]
MR. BRADLEY: (holding left foot in pain) Ooooo!
MOE: I'm sorry.
[Camera cuts to the hall, where Shemp and Larry are still holding the crate]
SHEMP: Ohh! Let's rest a while.
[Shemp and Larry set the crate down long ways on it's end. The Arabian man is now upside down in the crate, and crashes down toward the floor]
LARRY: (to Shemp who is bent over, stiff and in pain) You all right?
SHEMP: Yeah, I'm all right.
[Shemp walks, bent over, toward Larry]
LARRY: Come here.
[Larry pulls Shemp upright. Shemp's back cracks loudly, CRACK! Camera cuts back to Moe and Bradley, who is still holding his left foot in pain]
MOE: You know, those lunkheads just can't get anything right. I'll put two and two together...
[Moe walks out into the hallway while looking back at Bradley. He walks into the crate and knocks it over, CRASH! Camera cuts to the inside of crate where we see the Arabian man taking the brunt of the fall. He moans in pain. Camera cuts back to the hallway]
MOE: What's the matter with you nitwits?
[Moe picks up a crate hook]
MOE: You gotta use this!
[Moe jabs the end of the hook into the crate. (Loud boing!) It sinks into the Arabian man's rear end]
ARABIAN MAN # 2: (in a quiet voice) Ooooo!
SHEMP: (looking down at the hook) Oh, now I can carry it like a tooth pick.
MOE: Never mind! (pointing to Larry) Porcupine, get some more stuff off the truck.
MOE: (pointing Shemp to the opposite room) You go in there and help Mr. Bradley.
[Shemp walks into the room where Bradley is unpacking a box of his belonging. Bradley is holding the genie lamp]
SHEMP: That's it--the magic lamp! Get the genius here, and he'll grant us anything we wish.
MR. BRADLEY: (laughingly) There's nothing magical about this. I bought it for 50 cents in a little bazaar. You can have it if you want it. (Bradley hands the lamp to Shemp)
[Bradley grabs another item and walks out of the room]
SHEMP: (clutching the lamp) Mine, all mine! Hot ziggedy!
[Shemp rubs the lamp, and POOF! In a puff of smoke the genie appears]
SHEMP: Hi Amos. What detained ya?
GENIE: What do you wish master? Command and I obey.
SHEMP: Don't rush me big boy, don't rush me. Something will come to me.
[Shemp walks over and sets the lamp on the mantle above the fireplace]
SHEMP: Let's see now. (holding finger to lip, thinking...)
SHEMP: (points to genie) I got it! I want a million bucks and put it right there on the desk.
[Shemp puts his elbow up on the mantle and knocks the lamp over into the fireplace, which is currently burning. He doesn't notice his blunder]
GENIE: A million? How do you want it?
SHEMP: I wish you wouldn't bother me with details.
[Poof! A puff of smoke, and the genie disappears (apparently because of the lamp burning in the fireplace)]
SHEMP: (runs over to the desk looking for the money) Hey Amos, where's the moola? (now shouting) Amos, where are ya? Where's my million?
[Scene cuts to Moe in another room opening a crate with the teeth of a hammer. Arabian man # 1 is outside the window just behind Moe, sneaking up on him, holding a dagger in his teeth. Moe hits himself in the head with the handle of the hammer just as the Arabian man is opening the window]
MOE: (yelling to Shemp in other room) Hey Shemp, bring me that crowbar!
SHEMP: (camera cuts to Shemp in other room) I can't. I'm busy.
MOE: Oh...What is this mutiny!
[Moe puts down the hammer and walks out of the room as Arabian man #1 steps inside the room from the window. Arabian man #1 picks up the hammer and attempts to open the crate containing Arabian man #2. Camera cuts to Moe who has entered the room where Shemp is under the desk looking for the money]
MOE: What are you looking for?
SHEMP: A million dollars. It's around here somewhere.
MOE: (sarcastically) Ohhh, a million dollars.
[Moe kicks Shemp in the butt]
MOE: Come on! (pulls Shemp out from under the desk) Come on! Get up out of here! (smacks Shemp in the face) What's with you?
SHEMP: But Moe, I had the magic lamp, the genius was here, and he promised me a million bucks--I ain't kiddin'.
MOE" I ain't kiddin' either. Now cut out the nonsense. Get out of here and help Larry. (Moe turns Shemp around and gives him a swift kick in the pants, sending him out) Go ahead! Come on!
MOE: Magic lamps, geniuses--everybody's going bats around....
[Moe looks at the desk and notices a brass knick knack. (it's not the genie lamp) Just then, Arabian man #2 peeks through the curtains of a doorway, he's spying on Moe]
MOE: (picking up the brass knick knack) Ooo, could this be... (Moe blows some hot breath (ha-ha-ha) on the object, then rubs it with his forearm. Nothing happens)
[Moe looks around, then notices Arabian man #2 behind him]
MOE: (startled) Are you the genius of the lamp?
ARABIAN MAN #2: Oh yes. Make any wish and I will grant it.
MOE: What do you know! Well, there's so many things. I don't know what to wish for.
ARABIAN MAN #2: Well, take your time. I'm sure something will come to you. (He leads Moe over to the desk chair) Now, why don't you just sit down here and be comfortable?
MOE: (very thankful, and pleased) Thank you!
ARABIAN MAN #2: That's it. Relax. Just put your head down. That's it. (He directs Moe to rest his head on the desk) Close your eyes.
MOE: Ohh.
ARABIAN MAN #2: There. (as he pulls out a sword) Now are you concentrating on what you want?
MOE: Yeah, let me have it. Hurry up, I'm getting a crick in my neck.
ARABIAN MAN #2: Oh, I'll take care of that.
MOE: I want...(Moe looks up just as the Arabian man is about to take his head off, and narrowly misses losing his head)
MOE: Ahhhh!
[Moe grabs the crow bar from on top of the desk and hits Arabian man #2 over the head with it, then runs from the room. Just as he gets to the doorway with the curtains, and pulls them back, there stands Arabian man #1 with a sword. Moe hits him over the head with the crow bar. Arabian Man #2 gets up from the desk and goes after Moe again, taking a swipe with his sword, but misses Moe who runs out the other door. Moe runs down the hallway yelling and screaming]
MOE: Whoa! Help! Ahhh!
[Arabian man #2 takes chase after Moe, who ducks into another room. Arabian man #2 runs into Shemp]
SHEMP: (jumps in fear) Whoaaa! (ducks into another room and slams the door in Arabian man #2's face, who then opens the door and takes chase after Shemp)
[We then see Mr. Bradley enter the hallway from a different room holding a ceramic vase, he opens the door to the room Moe is hiding in. Moe thinks it's the Arabian man, so he hides behind the door and hits Bradley over the head with the crow bar just as he enters. Bradley throws the Vase just as he falls backward. Moe catches Bradley, and the vase breaks with a loud CRASH!]
MOE: Mr. Bradley! My mistake! Take it easy, inhale. I'll get you out of it.
[Scene cuts to Shemp and Arabian man #2, who is chasing Shemp around a table]
SHEMP: Genius, genius, Help!
ARABIAN MAN #2: (pointing sword at Shemp across table) It's no use. Without the lamp, you'll die like a dog.
[Arabian man #2 takes a swipe at Shemp across the table. Shemp ducks, and the sword only takes out some flowers sitting in a pot. Shemp stands back up and his heart is "visibly" beating fast. He grabs his chest and calms it down]
SHEMP: (In a scared tone) I suppose you think I'm scared?
ARABIAN MAN #2: Yeeeeees.
SHEMP: You're right!
[Arabian man #2 chases Shemp around the table. At one point he sets down his sword. Shemp picks it up and hands it back to him. The Arabian man thanks Shemp in a foreign tongue. He continues to chase Shemp around the table]
SHEMP: Whoa! Moe! Larry!
[At one point Shemp crawls under the table, the Arabian man lashes out with his sword, missing Shemp. Scene cuts back to Arabian man #1 who is just now shaking off the effects of being hit in the head with a crow bar by Moe. Larry then walks into the room carrying a large box on his back (he's carrying it using a hook, the box reads all over, "use no hooks") and runs into Arabian man #1 at the opposite doorway. He looks up startled by the Arabian man brandishing his sword, then drops the box and runs off]
LARRY: Yaaaaaaa!
[Arabian man #1 gives chase after Larry, but gets tripped up by a chair. Scene cuts back to Shemp and Arabian man #2 still running around the table]
SHEMP: No! Moe! Larry!
[A phone on the table rings. Shemp answers the phone]
SHEMP: Help! Police, Marines! (Shemp hands the phone to Arabian man #2) Its' for you.
[Arabian man sets down his sword and takes the phone from Shemp]
ARABIAN MAN #2: Oh, thank you. Hello?
[Shemp picks up the sword]
SHEMP: Get funny with me, will you sucker? I'll show you!
[Shemp throws the sword back over his head to take a swipe at the Arabian man, but the sword comes lose from the handle and flies back and sticks to the wall. Shemp is still holding the handle, but doesn't notice the sword is gone]
SHEMP: Okay chump, come out fighting.
[Shemp advances toward the Arabian man, then notices he's holding a empty handle]
SHEMP: Heeeep! Never mind!
[Shemp then turns and heads for the door, knocking over a chair between him and the Arabian man. Camera cuts to the hallway where we see Larry headed for the room Shemp is in. Camera cuts back inside room with Shemp who opens the door, is startled by Larry, then slams the door closed in Larry's face. Both Larry and Shemp are pulling on the door at the same time , so it won't open]
SHEMP: Larry, let me out! It's me Shemp!
[Arabian man #2 then grabs a sword off of the wall decoration from Mr. Bradley's collection. Shemp notices and takes off]
SHEMP: Whoaaa!
[Larry opens the door and peeks inside with Arabian man #2 hiding behind the door]
LARRY: Come on Shemp. Let's get out of here. (Larry then turns and looks into the hall, without noticing he grabs the Arabian man's hand) Come on.
{Larry, while holding the Arabian man's hand, walks down the hall and around the corner. He stops, let's go of his hand, and turns around]
LARRY: Well, we made it Shemp. I'll tell you what we...
[Arabian man #2 then lunges toward Larry with his sword]
LARRY: Ahhhhh! (while jumping out of the way)
[Arabian man #2 misses Larry with the sword, but sends it into the wall leading to the adjacent room. Camera cuts to the tip of the sword, which has penetrated into the room where Arabian man #1 is. Arabian man #2 plunges the sword into his accomplices rear end. Boing!]
ARABIAN MAN #1: Oooooo!
[While Arabian man #2 is attempting to pull the sword from the wall (and his friend!), Larry picks up a mace next to a suit of armor in the hall, and hits Arabian man #2 in the head, knocking him out cold. Shemp then runs up behind Larry and taps him on the shoulder. Larry turns around ready to take a swing at Shemp]
SHEMP: Hold It! It's me! Nice work kid.
LARRY: Yeah, but there may be more of these buzzards around here.
SHEMP: I'll get a club too. Smack everybody that's wearing a turban.
LARRY: Right.
[Larry runs one way, Shemp the other]
SHEMP: (as he steps over Arabian man #2 knocked out on the floor) Pardon me.
[Scene cuts to Moe and Mr. Bradley. Bradley is sitting in a chair with a cold compress and towel on his head, and Moe is running smelling salts under his nose. Bradley begins to regain consciousness]
MOE: That's it. You look good. Boy, you're doing swell. I'll go call the cops.
MR. BRADLEY: Never mind. I'll call them myself, before something else happens to me.
[Bradley then gets up and walks to the door and peeks his head out into the hallway. Larry comes down the hall from the opposite end, sees a "towel wrapped" head sticking out the door, and let's him have it over the head with the mace. DONG! Bradley is out cold. Moe walks out into the hall and sees Larry's "work"]
LARRY: (laughing - to Moe) I got another one.
MOE: You did eh?
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: What did you hit him with?
LARRY: (showing Moe the mace) That.
[Moe takes the mace from Larry and konks him on the head with it. BONG!]
MOE: Get out of here! That's Mr. Bradley!
LARRY: (holding head, looking at Bradley in disbelief) Ohh!
[Scene cuts to Shemp running back into the room with the desk and fireplace. He picks up a fireplace poker]
SHEMP: A weepin (weapon), a weepin (weapon)! Now to find a turban.
[Shemp looks down into the fireplace and notices the genie lamp in the fire]
SHEMP: The lamp!
[Shemp picks up the lamp from the fire with the poker]
SHEMP: Oh boy, oh boy! Come to Papa!
[Shemp sets the lamp down on the desk just as Arabian man #1 walks into the room and sees the lamp]
ARABIAN MAN #1: I'll take that! Stand back dog!
[Arabian man #1 picks up the lamp (sizzle, smoke)]
ARABIAN MAN #1: (in pain) Ahhhh!
[Arabian man #1 throws the hot lamp over his head just as Arabian man #2 enters the room. Arabian man #2 catches the lamp in his hands]
ARABIAN MAN #2: (in pain) Ahhhh!
[Arabian man #2 throws the lamp across the room to the other entrance just as Moe, followed by Bradley and Larry, enters the room. Moe catches the hot lamp in his hands]
MOE: Ahhhh, Ooooo! (Moe throws the lamp to Shemp)
SHEMP: Ooooo,Ohhhh!
[Shemp drops the lamp into a fish bowl next to him, which cools it down. He pulls it out and rubs it]
SHEMP: (rubbing the lamp as the two Arabian men come after him with sword and dagger) Genius, get us out of this! Don't let me down!
[POOF! A big puff of smoke. As the smoke clears we see Bradley who looks to his right with surprise, as the camera pans to the left and we see the two Arabian men tied up with heavy rope to a couple of chairs. Bradley then looks back toward the desk area with even greater surprise as wee see Moe, Larry, and Shemp sitting on the floor surrounded by three beautiful women]
SHEMP: (As woman strokes his face) Heeep! Heeeep! Heeep!
[Camera then shows Moe who is being fed grapes by one of the women. Then we see Larry with his head in one women's lap, she is twirling his curly hair with her fingers]
Shemp; What I tell ya. The genius came through!
MOE: What a lamp! (snickers as he pinches the woman's cheek) Just what I've been wishing for.
LARRY: (as the woman twirls his hair) Your my type, baby--a woman!
SHEMP: Come on sugar, let's go places.
[They all stand up from the floor]
SHEMP: Hey Amos, you got that stuff I ordered?
GENIE: (from another room) Coming master.
[The genie walks in with a wheel barrel full of cash, gold, and jewelry. Moe, Larry, Shemp and the girls all gather around with cheers as they root through the treasure]
SHEMP: What are we waiting for? Let's go!
[They all walk out with the loot. Shemp is last, with a girl on one arm, and holding the lamp in the other. He stops by Bradley who has a look of amazement and disbelief]
SHEMP: (holding the lamp up in Bradley's face) So long Mr. Bradley, and thanks for the lamp.
[Mr. Bradley with a look of great disappointment, and moans of frustration, grabs a hammer and hits himself in the head several times. Bang! Bang! Bang!...]
-- THE END --
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