Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-08-24
OF CASH AND HASH
[ The short opens with two robbers holding up an ARMORED CAR MONEY SERVICE truck, while the guards in the truck raise their arms up in the air. After the robbers run away, the guards jump out of the truck pull out their guns. ]
[ The Stooges are walking down the sidewalk carrying groceries right as the robbers bump into them ]
LARRY: What’s the idea, you guys?!
[ From behind a wall, the robbers suddenly start firing their guns at the guards as the guards fire back ]
ALL STOOGES: AAAAH!!
[ The Stooges hold their hands over their faces in the middle of the gunfire ]
MOE: What’s goin’ on here?!
[ Larry holds up a bottle of milk in his hands. A bullet shoots through the bottle, shattering it and spilling milk all over the place.]
LARRY: NYAAAH!
[ A bullet shoots towards Shemp’s face, breaking the smoking pipe in his mouth in half. Shemp takes out the remainder of the pipe in his mouth and twitches in surprise. ]
[ A bullet shoots right through the middle of Moe’s hair, splitting it and causing smoke to rise out ]
MOE: AAAAH!! AAAAH! AAAAH!! AAAAAHAAAH!! [ to the other Stooges ] Let’s get outta here!
[ The Stooges duck below the gunfire and try to escape. A bullet shoots Larry in the behind, causing smoke to come out from it. ]
LARRY: NYAAAAH!
[ Larry sits and drags his behind on the ground to put the smoke out ]
LARRY: OOOH OOOH OOOH!!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with two police officers in a squad car listening to an announcement on the radio ]
DISPATCHER: Attention all cars in District 15. Go to 6th main streets. Armored car held up. Surround area and search for three men who made their getaway on foot. Huge caution: they are heavily armed.
[ The squad car siren blasts as the car takes off and the officers begin searching around for the robbers ]
[ The squad car stops in an alley in front of a garbage can and the officers get out of the car. One of the officers walks off-camera, while the other officer walks near the garbage can, searching for the robbers. ]
[ The lid on the garbage can moves suddenly and catches the officer’s attention ]
OFFICER JACKSON: Who’s in that can?!
SHEMP: [ in the garbage can ] Just garbage!
[ A slap sound is heard ]
SHEMP: OHH!!
[ The officer takes the lid off of the garbage can and pulls the Stooges heads out by their hair ]
OFFICER JACKSON: Come on, get outta here!
ALL STOOGES: OOWWWW!! OWW OWW!!
MOE: Why you--!
[ Moe bites one of the Stooges’ feet in front of him ]
SHEMP: OOOWWWW!! OHHHH!!
[ Shemp bites one of the Stooges’ feet in front of him ]
LARRY: AAHHHHAAAHAAHAAAA!! OWWWWW!!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the officer dragging the Stooges into the police station, up to the captain ]
OFFICER JACKSON: Here they are, captain.
CAPTAIN MULLINS: Okay.
MOE: [ pointing off-camera ] Hey, what’s that on the stool?
[ The camera cuts over to a pigeon sitting on a stool by the window ]
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] Must be a stool pigeon.
CAPTAIN MULLINS: [ to the Stooges ] I know you pulled that car robbery. [ to Larry ] Hey, you, sit down on that chair! [ points to a chair next to the Stooges ]
LARRY: Nyaaaah! The hot seat! They can’t fry me for nothin’!
MOE: Be brave, kid. It’ll be over in a minute.
SHEMP: And we’ll see that you get a nice send-off!
CAPTAIN MULLINS: Shut up!! [ points to the machine next to the chair ] That’s a lie detector.
ALL STOOGES: Oh, no! Not that!
[ The Stooges try walking away, but the officer and captain grab them back. The captain sits Larry down on the chair and hands him a squeezable ball handle, which is connected to an ink pen on the lie detector. Another officer sits in front of the lie detector, waiting to operate it. ]
CAPTAIN MULLINS: [ to Larry ] Here, hold that! If you tell the truth, that pen’ll travel in a straight line, but if you tell a lie… we’ll know it! [ yelling ] Have you ever been to jail before?!
LARRY: Why, of course not!
[ The lie detector beeps and the pen travels in a crooked line ]
LARRY: NNNGH!
LIE DETECTOR OPERATOR: That’s a lie!
CAPTAIN MULLINS: Just as I thought! Have you any visible means of support?!
LARRY: [ stands up ] Sure! I’ve got suspenders! [ stretches out his suspenders ]
MOE: So you have!
[ Moe stretches Larry’s suspenders towards him, then suddenly lets them go, causing them to snap loudly on Larry’s chest ]
LARRY: OHH!!
CAPTAIN MULLINS: I mean, have you guys got a job?
MOE: Why, certainly, captain. We work at the Elite Cafe.
SHEMP: “We”? You mean I do all the work. [ into Moe’s face ] Nyaah-nyaaah!
CAPTAIN MULLINS: [ to the officer ] Check on that,
OFFICER JACKSON: [ salutes ] Yes, sir. [ leaves ]
[ Moe stomps on Shemp’s foot ]
SHEMP: OOH!! OOH OOH OOH OOH!!
[ Shemp sits down on the chair and holds his foot in pain ]
CAPTAIN MULLINS: [ handing Shemp the lie detector handle ] Hold that! Now then… I got a couple of questions I wanna ask you!
SHEMP: Me???
MOE: Yes, and so have I! Did you or did you not take that quarter out of my shoe last night?
SHEMP: [ raises his right hand ] On my honor, Moe, I didn’t do it!
[ The lie detector beeps and the pen travels in a crooked line ]
SHEMP: [ standing up ] WWWHOA!!
MOE: [ grabs Shemp ] Ohh, a chiseler, eh? [ slaps Shemp ]
CAPTAIN MULLINS: Th-That’s enough! Break it up! [ to Shemp ] Now then… what were you doing at 11:00 last night?
SHEMP: I don’t know. [ pauses ] What were you doin’ at 11:00?!
CAPTAIN MULLINS: Uh… I was at a lodge meeting.
[ The lie detector beeps very loudly, startling the Stooges ]
LARRY: NYAAAH!
[ The lie detector pen travels wildly in crooked line, then the machine suddenly stops moving ]
LIE DETECTOR OPERATOR: That last question seems to have broken the machine, captain.
CAPTAIN MULLINS: What’s that?
SHEMP: We didn’t do it, captain! You’re wastin’ our time!
[ Shemp unintentionally slams his hand down on the lie detector handle, causing ink from the detector pen to squirt all over the captain’s face. The captain slowly turns his ink-covered face towards the Stooges with an angry expression. ]
SHEMP: [ gasps ] WHOAAA!!
[ The Stooges dash out of the police station and the captain and lie detector operator begin running after them ]
LIE DETECTOR OPERATOR: Come back here!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with an exterior shot of ELITE CAFE ]
[ Inside the cafe, the Stooges are changing into their uniforms ]
MOE: Well, I wish we could figure a way outta this mess.
LARRY: Yeah, well, it ain’t gonna be easy, I’ll tell ya that.
[ Shemp holds his chef hat up and shoves his fist into the inside of it, accidentally punching Moe in the jaw ]
MOE: OOH!!
SHEMP: I’m sorry, Moe, I--
[ Moe double-slaps Shemp, punches him in the stomach, and bops him in the head ]
MOE: What’s the matta with you, I’ll knock your--
LARRY: Hey, hey, break it up!! How can you guys hoss around when you know they’re still tryin’ to pin that robbery on us?
MOE: You know, you’re right. And those two guards from the armored car didn’t help us any, either. How do ya like those guys sayin’ they didn’t see the bandits clearly because it was too dark?
SHEMP: That leaves us holdin’ the bag!
LARRY: Yeah, the only way we can get out is if they find the real crooks.
MOE: You know, I think I--
[ A customer enters the cafe ]
LARRY: Hey, Moe - customer.
MOE: [ whispers ] Wait on ‘im.
[ Larry walks over to the customer as the customer takes a seat ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Come on.
[ Moe and Shemp begin walking towards the kitchen door ]
MOE: You know, Larry is right. If we could only find those crooks, we’d be sittin’ on top of the world.
SHEMP: You’ve got nothin’ to worry about, pal. It’s a cinch! Believe me, it’s a cinch!
MOE: Oh, boy! That’s wonderful, that’s terrific! Oh, boy, we practically got ‘em! Where are they?
SHEMP: I don’t know!
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] Go onnn! Get in the kitchen and get busy! [ shoves Shemp through the kitchen door ]
[ The customer is looking through a menu while Larry waits to take his order ]
CUSTOMER: I’ll have a cream chip beef on toast.
LARRY: Right. [ pause ] Say, let me give ya a tip, pal. Our fried eggs are out of this world.
CUSTOMER: Could be, but I want cream chip beef on toast…
LARRY: Anything you say, but you’re crazy if you don’t order the fried eggs!
CUSTOMER: [ grabs Larry by the collar ] I want cream chip beef on toast!! [ releases Larry ]
LARRY: Alright, the customer’s always right!
[ Larry walks towards the kitchen window ]
LARRY: Ordering - two fried eggs over easy! Ha ha--
[ Suddenly, a dish is thrown at Larry’s head by the customer off-camera ]
LARRY: OH! [ looks off-camera ] Hey, mister, don’t go awa-- Never mind, I’ll eat it myself! [ to the kitchen window ] On those two fried eggs over easy - use the fresh ones this time!
[ Larry twitches, then looks off-camera in confusion ]
SHEMP: Fried two over, easy does it!
[ Shemp walks up to the stove, squirts two puddles of grease into a pan, then picks up two eggs ]
SHEMP: Wonder where the egg-cutters are… [ sees scissors ] Oh! Ha ha ha!
[ Shemp takes the scissors and cuts both eggs in half, pours yolk into the pan, then drops the eggshells into a bowl behind the pan ]
[ Shemp removes the pan from the stove, then picks up a match ]
SHEMP: Wasn’t lit… Ha ha ha!
[ Shemp lights the match, then drops the match into the stove. He backs up a little bit, folds his arms across his chest, and the stove explodes and jumps up. Shemp smiles, then returns back to the stove and places the pan on the stove again. He pours some salt into the pan. ]
[ Meanwhile, Moe has walked into the kitchen and is observing Shemp with his arms folded across his chest ]
[ Shemp flips the eggs up in the air two times and catches it with the pan. The third time he throws the eggs up in the air, they flip too far back and land over Moe’s eyes. ]
MOE: OOH!
[ The yellow parts of the two eggs pop off, revealing Moe’s eyes under it ]
[ Shemp looks over at Moe, then gets startled and thinks he’s wearing a burglar mask over his eyes. Shemp holds his arms up in the air. ]
SHEMP: A stick-up!
[ Moe angrily pulls the eggs off of his face ]
SHEMP: Moe!
MOE: Why you--!
[ Moe picks up a pot and throws it towards Shemp, but misses ]
SHEMP: Cut it out now, Moe!
[ Shemp runs out the kitchen door, accidentally bumping it into Larry, who’s painting a sign for the cafe ]
SHEMP: No, no, Moe!
[ Moe exits the kitchen door, accidentally bumping it into Larry again ]
LARRY: OHH! [ holding up a rag ] Why you--
MOE: Shaddup!
[ Moe grabs the rag from Larry, then throws it towards Shemp ]
SHEMP: Don’t! Oh, Moe!!
[ Shemp ducks and the rag hits a man behind Shemp, covering his face. Shemp and Moe run up to the man. ]
SHEMP: I’m sorry, sir!
[ The man removes the rag from his face, revealing that he’s the captain from the police station. Moe and Shemp jump in shock. ]
MOE: Why, Captain Mullins, how are ya? [ laughs nervously ] A funny thing, I was just thinking about you!
CAPTAIN MULLINS: Yeah, and I’m thinking about you right now - and it could be murder!!
MOE: Now don’t get excited, cap!
SHEMP: Yeah, sit right down and have somethin’ on the house.
MOE: Yeah, yeah, have somethin’ on the house! [ gets behind the counter ]
SHEMP: Right back here.
[ Shemp sits the officer down ]
SHEMP: Sit down… out of the draft. Now, how about some nice vittles? Chicken soup?
[ Moe hands the captain a cup of coffee ]
MOE: Here ya are, cap’n - a nice cup of hot coffee. And honest, cap, we’re innocent to that robbery.
[ The captain pulls out a picture from his pocket ]
CAPTAIN MULLINS: Did you ever see that guy before?
MOE: Hey! That’s one of the guys who was in on the car robbery!
[ The camera shows a close-up of the picture, which has marked fingerprints to the side of it and the signature “Lefty Loomis” under it ]
SHEMP: Yeah, I’d know him anywhere!
MOE: Gee, cap, I hope you find him. Hey, cap, don’t let your coffee get cold.
SHEMP: I’ll getcha a piece of pie. [ walks towards the kitchen ]
[ Larry finishes painting his sign, then he puts his cup of paint down and leaves with the sign. The captain reaches for the sugar shaker, then mistakenly pours it into the cup of paint instead of his cup of coffee. ]
[ Shemp returns with a slice of pie ]
SHEMP: This is on the house.
CAPTAIN MULLINS: Thanks!
[ The captain takes a sip of his “coffee”, then spits it out immediately ]
MOE: Oh, you like it, eh?
CAPTAIN MULLINS: That tastes like paint!
SHEMP: Paint?! What are you talkin’ about?!
[ Shemp picks up the cup of paint and takes a sip of it, then grimaces ]
SHEMP: PFFT! It is paint! [ reaches for the real cup of coffee ] That’s the coffee!
[ Shemp takes a sip of the coffee ]
SHEMP: HIC-HIC-HIC!! EEB-EEB-EEB!! [ pauses, then points to the cup of paint ] This is better!
[ Shemp drinks from the cup of paint, as Moe looks at the captain with an embarrassed expression ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with one of the armored car robbers entering the cafe while Larry finishes putting on his suit. Robber #2 takes a seat and Larry turns to him. ]
LARRY: I’m sorry, we’re ready to close. All we got left is some chicken soup, roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy.
ROBBER #2: I’ll take that.
LARRY: Okay!
[ Larry walks over to pick up a clean dish, then suddenly stops ]
LARRY: [ mumbles ] Oh, I forgot… [ yelling towards the kitchen window ] Ordering - one chicken soup comin’ up!
SHEMP: One chicken soup comin’ up!
[ Larry picks up a clean dish ]
[ In the kitchen, Shemp takes out a raw chicken from the cabinet, holds it over a bowl, and pours hot water inside of a hole in the chicken. The water drips through the hole and into the bowl. ]
SHEMP: Nice fresh chicken, too.
[ After Shemp finishes, he places the bowl on a sliding table ]
SHEMP: Fresh cackle soup comin’ up!
[ Shemp slides the bowl of steaming hot soup down the table into the main cafe room, but it goes too far and slides off the table. Moe is bending over near the end of the table cleaning a chair, when suddenly, the steaming hot soup spills all over his back. ]
MOE: OOOHHHHHH!! HAHH!! OHHHO OHH OHHH OHHH OHHH OHH!
[ Moe angrily throws off his jacket and storms into the kitchen ]
[ Larry places a plate of roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy down in front of Robber #2 ]
LARRY: There you are.
[ Robber #2 keeps suspiciously looking out towards the door while Larry sets down the utensils for him. Larry looks closely at Robber #2’s face. ]
LARRY: Say, I beg your pardon. Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
ROBBER #2: I was never there!
[ Larry backs away in fear ]
[ Moe exits the kitchen while fighting with Shemp ]
MOE: C’mere, you!! [ slaps Shemp ]
SHEMP: OOH!
[ Moe yanks off Shemp’s chef uniform ]
SHEMP: Ohh, cut it out now, you--
MOE: Put up your hands!
SHEMP: [ raises his hands ] Why, there!
[ Moe slaps Shemp several times ]
[ Shemp holds his hand in front of Moe and raises it higher and higher as Moe follows it. Suddenly, Larry comes into the scene. ]
LARRY: Hey, Moe--
[ Moe slaps Larry ]
LARRY: [ pointing to Robber #2 ] Does that guy look familiar to you?
[ Robber #2 looks back and sees all the Stooges looking closely at him, then gets worried ]
MOE: Yeah! He’s one of the armored car robbers!
LARRY: Get him!!
[ Robber #2 quickly ducks out of the way as the Stooges lunge towards him. Moe ends up landing face-first into Robber #2’s plate of food. ]
LARRY: [ pointing at the door ] There he is over--
[ Moe begins wiping the food off of his face ]
LARRY: We’d better do somethin’! Call the police!
[ The Stooges’ cafe assistant, Gladys, enters the cafe just as Robber #2 exits ]
GLADYS: Well, what was his hurry? He’s running--
LARRY: Gladys! He’s one of the bank robbers!
GLADYS: [ gasps ] What?!
[ Robber #2 quickly hops into his car ]
MOE: And he’s gettin’ away!
SHEMP: If we only had a car.
GLADYS: Well, mine’s out front!
LARRY: Come on!
MOE: Let’s go!
[ Shemp and Moe put on their coats as the Stooges and Gladys exit the cafe ]
[ Robber #2 takes off in his car. Larry tries to grab a hold of the car, but he’s too late ]
MOE: Come on! [ points to Gladys’ car ] There’s the car over there! Hurry up!
[ The Stooges and Gladys get inside of Gladys’ car and Larry begins driving away ]
SHEMP: Go ahead, right up! Go ahead!
[ A big truck suddenly appears in front of the Stooges’ car, and Larry quickly steps on the brakes. Larry covers his eyes as the truck pulls away, then he looks around. ]
LARRY: [ pointing his arm in front of Moe ] Hey, he went that-a-way!
SHEMP: [ pointing his arm in front of Moe ] No, he went that-a-way!
MOE: OOH! [ bonks Larry and Shemp on the head ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: OH!
MOE: Come on! [ pointing ahead ] He went that-a-way, and there he goes! After him!
LARRY: Okay! [ continues driving ]
MOE: Hurry up!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges’ car pulling up outside of an old house ]
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] 20 miles we chase him, and you let him get away!
LARRY: I couldn’t help it - he was goin’ pretty fast.
[ The Stooges and Gladys get out of the car ]
LARRY: He turned off this road somewhere, I think…
MOE: I tell ya, he drove up to that deserted house.
SHEMP: Deserted house? I don’t like deserted houses!
LARRY: Why not? Maybe we’ll get dessert!
MOE: Funny boy! [ bonks Larry on the head ]
LARRY: OOH!
MOE: Go onnnn! [ looks at the house ] Hey, we’re goin’ up and look around. We’re goin’ up there.
SHEMP: Not me! [ pointing away ] I’m goin’ down there!
MOE: [ grabs Shemp’s hair ] C’mere!
SHEMP: OHH!
MOE: [ to Larry ] You!
[ Larry grabs his own nose, then Moe drags Larry away by the hand, yanking Larry’s nose ]
MOE: Come on!
LARRY AND SHEMP: OHHH OHH!!! OH, MOE!!
[ The camera cuts over to inside the deserted house. Lefty Loomis and Robber #2 are reading the front page of a newspaper with the Stooges’ picture on it. The headline says “ARMORED CAR ROBBERS IDENTIFIED” with a subtitle “CAFE WORKERS NAME LOOMIS GANG”. ]
ROBBER #2: We make a clean getaway, and these mugs put the finger on us! What are we gonna do, Lefty?
LEFTY LOOMIS: What do we usually do with guys that know too much?
ROBBER #2: Yeah, but how are we gonna find them?
LEFTY LOOMIS: You expect them to walk right into our hands, do you?
[ The Stooges walk up to the outside of the deserted house ]
MOE: Well, here we are. [ to Larry ] Ring the bell.
[ Larry rings the doorbell. Lefty and his assistant listen closely. ]
MOE: The door’s locked!
GLADYS: Oh, what’ll we do?
MOE: They might be hiding somewhere in there.
GLADYS: Oh!
MOE: [ to Shemp and Larry ] Spread out, you guys! Find somethin’ to pry this door open with.
[ Robber #2 removes a painting from a wall and reveals a hole behind it. He looks out the hole, and sees the Stooges outside the front door. ]
ROBBER #2: It’s them!
LEFTY LOOMIS: Let ‘em have it.
[ Robber #2 sticks the barrel of a rifle through the hole, pointing it right next to Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] I don’t see nothin’!
[ Shemp turns his head and suddenly sees the rifle pointed at him ]
SHEMP: Ohh! A hunk of pipe!
[ Shemp looks through the barrel of the rifle with one eye, then he blows through it ]
SHEMP: This oughta do it.
[ Shemp grabs the barrel of the rifle and tries to pull it toward him, but Robber #2 tries to pull the rifle back into the hole. Shemp and Robber #2 tug back and forth with the rifle for a while, until Shemp stops and spits on his hand to get a better grip. When he reaches for the rifle barrel again, he grabs nothing. Then he looks back through the hole in the wall and realizes the rifle barrel is suddenly gone. ]
SHEMP: Hey, Moe! Hey, Moe!
MOE: Whaddaya want?
SHEMP: Moe!
MOE: What is it?
SHEMP: I had a piece of pipe in my hand… disappeared right out of my hands!
[ Meanwhile, Lefty opens the door behind Gladys, grabs Gladys by the mouth, and drags her into the house ]
MOE: Maybe it’s still in your hands.
SHEMP: No!
[ Moe slaps Shemp’s hands into his face]
MOE: Get awaaay! You had a hallucination!
SHEMP: No, I had a hunk of pipe!
MOE: Oh--
[ Moe does a double-take, then pats Shemp’s head ]
MOE: Ha ha ha! You’re alright. [ suddenly yanks Shemp’s hair ] Come on outta here! You nitwit!
SHEMP: Oh, Moe…
MOE: [ looking around ] Hey, Shemp!
SHEMP: What’s the matter?
MOE: I wonder where Gladys went.
SHEMP: Where could she go?
MOE: I don’t know. Gladys?
SHEMP: Gladys?
[ Larry opens the door behind Moe and Shemp from the inside and has a crowbar in his hand ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas!
[ Moe and Shemp get startled ]
LARRY: [ showing the crowbar ] You think this’ll open it?
MOE: Swell! [ takes the crowbar ] Where’d you get it?
LARRY: In the house!
MOE: Oh-- [ does a double-take ] In the house??
LARRY: Yeah, can you use it?
MOE: And how! [ bangs the crowbar on Larry’s head ]
LARRY: OOOMPH!!
MOE: [ pushing Larry ] Come on, get goin’!
[ The Stooges enter the house ]
ROBBER #2: They’re all in, Lefty. Should I bump them off?
LEFTY LOOMIS: I think that’s a job for Angel.
[ Lefty and Robber #2 walk over to Angel, a horrifying-looking goon who’s sharpening his hatchet by cutting through wood ]
LEFTY LOOMIS: Angel?
ANGEL: Hmm?
LEFTY LOOMIS: Strangers in the house.
ANGEL: [ looking down at his hatchet ] Hmm?
[ Lefty nods his head ]
ANGEL: [ getting up ] Hmm!
[ Angel leaves, and Lefty taps Robber #2 on the shoulder ]
LEFTY LOOMIS: He’ll do a nice, quiet job.
[ Robber #2 holds his own neck with a fearful expression ]
[ Angel enters a room in which Gladys is tied to a chair and has a handkerchief wrapped over her mouth. Angel sneaks up behind her. ]
ANGEL: Mmm.
[ Gladys slowly turns around and sees Angel, then gets scared. Angel raises his hatchet in the air towards Gladys. ]
GLADYS: [ squirming ] Mmmph!!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Gladys!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Oh, Gladys!!
[ Angel walks away from Gladys and heads towards the Stooges ]
[ The Stooges are walking down a hallway ]
SHEMP: We should’ve stayed outside.
MOE: [ waves hand ] Awww…
[ Shemp looks to his side and sees a figure hidden under a sheet ]
SHEMP: [ grabs Moe ] NGOOHH!!
MOE: What’s the matta witchoo?! You’re gettin’ on my nerves!
SHEMP: [ points to the figure ] What’s that?
MOE: That’s a statue!
[ Shemp feels the top of the figure ]
SHEMP: Ohh, it must be
[ Moe and Larry wave their hand at Shemp ]
LARRY: Gladys!
MOE: Where can she be?
[ While the Stooges are looking for Gladys, the figure under the sheet walks away ]
SHEMP: Oh, Gladys!
MOE: GLADYS!!
LARRY: Gladys!
MOE: I can’t under--
[ Shemp looks behind him and does a double-take when he realizes the figure under the sheet is gone ]
SHEMP: [ grabs Moe ] MOE!!!
MOE: What’s the matta with you?!!
SHEMP:
MOE: So are you! [ pushes Shemp ] Go ahead!
SHEMP: This joint gives me the creeps!
MOE: Well, start creepin’! We gotta find Gladys.
[ As the Stooges begin walking down the hallway, Angel enters through a door behind the Stooges and he follows them ]
SHEMP: This looks like a good place for a murder.
MOE: Quiet!
[ Moe and Larry walk down a different part of the hallway, away from Shemp and Angel ]
SHEMP: I’m glad you guys are behind me!
[ Shemp walks up to a door, then bends down to look through the keyhole. Angel walks closer behind Shemp and bumps into him. ]
SHEMP: Hey, quit shovin’ me, will ya?
[ Shemp looks through the keyhole again, then he stands back up and looks at Angel ]
SHEMP: I can’t see a thing. It’s so dark in there, I--
[ Shemp does a double-take when he realizes who he’s talking to ]
SHEMP: EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB--
[ Angel raises his hatchet and swings it towards Shemp ]
SHEMP: WHOAA!!
[ Shemp quickly opens the door and ducks inside, causing Angel’s hatchet to miss Shemp and dig into the wall instead. Shemp slams the door shut. Angel tries to open the door, but it’s locked. ]
ANGEL: Mmm.
[ Inside the room, Shemp pulls a wooden cabinet over to the door ]
[ Moe and Larry look around the hallway, not noticing Angel behind them. They hear noises outside of a room of Shemp moving around furniture inside. ]
MOE: Shemp, is that you in there?
SHEMP: Hey, Moe, is that you?
MOE: Why, certainly!
LARRY: Who are you expectin’, Santa Claus? Ha!
MOE: [ sarcastically ] Heh heh… [ slaps Larry ] Get out!
[ Moe looks behind him and notices Angel ]
MOE: Pardon me!
[ Moe and Larry do a double-take ]
MOE AND LARRY: NGGAAAAAAH!!
[ Moe and Larry run away right as Angel swings his hatchet at them and misses. Moe and Larry run inside a room and slam the door. Angel tries to get in, but it’s locked. ]
ANGEL: Mmm.
[ Inside the room Shemp is in, he’s pushing the cabinet away from the door to let in who he thinks is Moe and Larry ]
SHEMP: Don’t get excited, I’ll let ya in in a minute!
[ Shemp opens the door and in walks Angel. Shemp closes the door. ]
SHEMP: Boy, am I glad you came!
[ Shemp pulls the cabinet over the door again ]
SHEMP: Did you see that big guy outside in the--
[ Shemp does a double-take when he sees Angel ]
SHEMP: EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB!! OHHHHH!!!
[ Angel swings his hatchet towards Shemp, but Shemp ducks out of the way and runs over to a marble head on a table. Angel runs after Shemp. ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OHH!! Honest, mister, I didn’t-- I didn’t mean nothin’!
[ Angel swings his hatchet towards Shemp and Shemp ducks ]
SHEMP: OHH!!
[ Angel chops off the marble head on the table by accident. The head lands by Shemp and Shemp sees it. ]
SHEMP: [ gasps ] My head!! He got me! Moe!! [ feeling his face ] Ohh! Ohh… [ does a double-take ] He didn’t!
[ Shemp stands back up and faces Angel again ]
SHEMP: No! WHOOAAHH!! WHOA!
[ Shemp runs out of the room and out into the hallway. He and Moe & Larry see each other and get scared. ]
ALL STOOGES: NYAAAAAH!!
[ Moe and Larry run into the room that Angel is in, and they slam the door shut and turn the lock ]
MOE: Whew!
LARRY: Hey! That guy out in the hall looked like Shemp.
MOE: By golly, you’re right! It was Shemp! I’ll get him!
[ As Moe tries to open the door, Angel grabs Moe and Larry by the shoulders ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Let go my shoulder, I wanna get Shemp!
[ Larry shows both of his hands to Moe and mumbles incoherently in fear. Moe and Larry look behind them and realize Angel is holding them. ]
MOE AND LARRY: DYAAAAH!!
[ Moe and Larry dash away, causing Angel to rip off their coats by mistake. Angel throws their coats down and chases after them. ]
[ Moe and Larry run through a room ]
MOE AND LARRY: Shemp! Shemp! Shemp!
[ Angel runs into the same room and stops in the doorway. The camera pans up and reveals Shemp standing on top of the door ledge, holding a barrel in his hands. He drops the barrel and it crashes over Angel. ]
ANGEL: OOOOHH!!
[ Out in the hallway, Lefty Loomis and Robber #2 run into Moe and Larry. ]
MOE AND LARRY: NYAAAAAAH!!
[ Moe and Larry run away and Lefty and Robber #2 fire their guns toward them ]
MOE: OHH!!
[ Moe and Larry run through the same room as before ]
MOE AND LARRY: WHOAA!!
[ Lefty runs through the room after Moe and Larry. As Robber #2 walks into the room, Shemp, on top of the door ledge, drops a barrel over him. ]
[ Lefty chases Moe and Larry through the room one last time while firing his gun ]
MOE: WWWHOA! WHOA!
[ As Lefty walks into the room, Shemp drops a barrel on top of him. A whole bunch of money falls out of the barrel. ]
[ Gladys unties herself from the chair, while Moe and Larry tie up Lefty and Robber #2, who are still stuck in the barrels ]
LEFTY AND ROBBER #2: [ mumbling ]
LARRY: Quiet!
[ Shemp climbs down to the floor by ladder, then he and Gladys see the money all over the floor ]
SHEMP: Oh, the money! Ohh-ho-ho! [ picks up some of the money ] Oh, boy, the money! We’ve got it, and we got the crooks! We’re in the clear! Ohh-ho-ho-ho!
[ Shemp kisses Gladys on the cheek quickly several times, to Gladys’ surprise ]
SHEMP: Ohh-ho-ho-ho!
[ Shemp kisses Gladys on the lips quickly several times, turns away, then kisses her on the lips one more time ]
SHEMP: [ gasping ] EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB! RUFF!!
THE END
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