Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-08-15
[The short opens up with this note: “All parts in this picture are played by The Three Stooges”]
[The first scene begins inside Moella’s bedroom. Moella is putting lipstick on]
MOELLA: Larraine! Shempetta! Aren’t you ready yet?
[Larraine and Shempetta enter the room]
LARRAINE: Ok, we’re almost ready.
SHEMPETTA: Coming! We’re coming! [stops] Oh, I did it. I did it. I got a run. [fixes her stocking]
MOELLA: Hurry girls! We’ll be late for our portrait sitting.
SHEMPETTA: Gosh I wouldn’t wanna keep that handsome debonair artist waiting. Oh, when he smiles at me.
LARRAINE: You know, I’m crazy about the one with the big bangs. You know, those folded satchels under his eyes. He really sends me.
MOELLA: Ah hahahaha. Mine is the handsome one. He has such a gorgeous head of skin. Oh, let’s hurry girls. We’ll be late. [grabs her stuff off the table]
SHEMPETTA: Yes, let’s hurry!
[The girls all talk at the same time as they stroll out of the bedroom. They all try to exit the door together. Larraine and Shempetta bump into the walls beside the door, while Moella falls down.]
GIRLS: Oh!
SHEMPETTA: Why did you do that?
LARRAINE: Be careful!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the art room. Moe is sculpting a statue, Larry is making a head sculpture out of clay, and Shemp is drawing a boat upside down. As the stooges work, they sing]
STOOGES: [singing] Zee lollipop. De lollipop. Da la la la lollipop.
MOE: Woo woo.
STOOGES: [singing] Zee lollipop. De lollipop. De la la la lollipop.
MOE: Zee Frenchman knows just what to eat. He eats something so nice and sweet.
STOOGES: [singing] Zee lollipop. De lollipop. De la la la lollipop.
SHEMP: [singing while he draws his boat] De la la la lollipop. De la la la la--- [Moe walks up to him]
SHEMP: [sees Moe] Hello pop!
MOE: What’s the idea wasting your time on junk like that? What’s that supposed to be?
SHEMP: That’s a bird’s eye view of a boat.
MOE: A boat?
SHEMP: Certainly! [takes his picture and turns it upside down to show Moe that he’s drawing a boat]
MOE: Hmm. So it is. [points to Shemp’s eyes] What are those things?
SHEMP: Eyes! Boat of them. Get it? Boat! Haha--- [Moe eyepokes Shemp] Oh!!
MOE: That’s just like you, doing everything backwards. Now I need some help. I wanna finish my statue before those beautiful girls arrive for a portrait sitting. [to Larry] Hey porcupine! We need some help. Come on.
LARRY: Right!
[Larry walks up to Moe]
LARRY: Ready?
MOE: [to Shemp] Nishtick
SHEMP: [to Larry] Nishtick
LARRY: Nishtick [gives Shemp a little tool]
SHEMP: Nishtick [gives the tool to Moe]
MOE: [to Shemp] Anna-canna-ponor
SHEMP: [to Larry] Anna-canna-ponor
LARRY: Anna-canna-ponor [gives Shemp a chisel]
SHEMP: Anna-canna-ponor [gives the chisel to Moe]
MOE: No! Anna-canna-ponor [hits Shemp on the head with the chisel]
SHEMP: Oh! [to Larry] No! Anna-canna-ponor [hits Larry in the head with the chisel]
LARRY: Oh! No, a--- [turns around to hit someone, but no one is there] Oh! Anna-canna-ponor [gives Shemp an ax]
SHEMP: Anna-canna-ponor [gives Moe the ax]
MOE: That’s better.
SHEMP: [to Larry] What’s that on your neck?
LARRY: That’s a mole.
SHEMP: That mole’s walking. Hold still and I’ll kill it. [takes a hammer and hits Larry’s neck with it]
LARRY: Oh! You did that on purpose. [grabs the hammer from Shemp]
SHEMP: No, I didn’t.
LARRY: Yes, you did.
SHEMP: No, I didn’t.
[Larry tries to hit Shemp with the hammer, but Shemp ducks causing Larry to accidentally hit the head off of Moe’s statue]
LARRY: I’m sorry Moe. The hammer did it. [gives Moe the hammer]
MOE: Oh yes, it was an accident. [takes the hammer]
LARRY: Thank you.
[Larry turns around and Moe hits him in the back of the head with the hammer]
LARRY: Oh! Whoooaaa!
[Larry falls on his head sculpture that’s made out of clay. When Larry removes the clay from his face, a long piece still remains on his nose making him look like he has a schnozzola.]
LARRY: Am I mortified. It’s sabatoogy, that’s what it is. Why you!
[Larry grabs the clay and walks up to Moe]
LARRY: Why you! You ruin my masterpiece.
MOE: And you decapitated my beautiful statue. [grabs the clay from Larry’s nose] Why you!
LARRY: Ohh! [Moe hits Larry in the head with the clay] Oh!
LARRY: Oh yeah? [throws the clay at Moe. He ducks and the clay hits Shemp]
MOE: Hahahahahahahaha. Oh hahaha.
[As Moe laughs, Shemp and Larry signal to each other. They both throw the clay at Moe and he ducks again, so they end up throwing the clay at each other]
MOE: Hahahaaa. Now look, you fellas. Those girls will be here any minute. Come on now and get busy.
[Shemp throws the clay on Moe’s face and he hits him this time. The scene ends.]
[A new scene begins in the art room. The girls are posing while the stooges are painting]
[Larry is painting. He refills his paint. He puts his paintbrush and cigar down when he refills it. As he does all this, he can’t keep his eyes off the girls. So, he mistakes a paintbrush for his cigar and he puts the paintbrush in his mouth. He then uses his cigar to paint thinking it’s the paintbrush. He realizes his mistake, so he removes the paintbrush from his mouth and wipes his mouth with a tissue.]
LARRY: [to Moella] Now let’s get you posed.
[Larry walks up to Moella]
LARRY: Now Miss Moella. If you’ll just--- Say, do you know you’re awfully cute. [pinches Moella’s face]
MOELLA: Fresh! [pushes Larry’s hand away and a paint mark ends up on her face]
[Cut to Shemp and Larraine]
SHEMP: Oh, Miss Larraine. Would you turn your pretty little face just a little? [turns Larraine’s head] And if you’ll put your hand by--- [holds Larraine’s hand and looks at it] Oh that is a dainty little hand. You cutie you!
LARRAINE: You handsome you.
SHEMP: You say that to all the boys, I bet.
LARRAINE: Just to you, dear.
[Larraine squeezes Shemp’s hand without realizing that he is holding a tube of paint. The tube squirts all over Shemp’s face]
LARRAINE: I’m so sorry.
SHEMP: Oh you little devil you. [takes out a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his face]
[Cut to Moe and Shempetta]
MOE: Shempetta. Tilt. [tilts Shempetta’s head] Haha
MOE: Ooohooo!! [Shempetta kisses Moe’s hand]
[As Shempetta kisses Moe’s hand, Moe places his other hand on a thermometer hanging up on the wall. The thermometer reaches its limit and squirts]
MOE: Ooohoohoohoohoohoo!
[Moe takes his hand away from the thermometer]
MOE: Ah! [pinches Shempetta’s face] Cutie pie! Eeehh!
[The stooges continue with painting]
MOE: [to Larry and Shemp] Ready boys?
LARRY AND SHEMP: Right!
MOE: [to the girls] Alright ladies, you may pick up your flowers and hold your pose.
[The girls pick up their flowers and pose. Ants are inside the flowers and they end up crawling all over the girls. The girls become very itchy. Shempetta starts scratching, then Moella starts scratching as well, and then Larraine scratches also.]
[The stooges turn around to look at the girls’ pose, so the girls quickly stay still and stop scratching. As soon as the stooges turn around to resume their painting, the girls continue scratching]
[The stooges turn around again, so the girls quickly stay still and stop scratching. This time, the girls are in a different pose. The stooges look annoyed and they turn around to resume their painting. The girls continue scratching again.]
[The stooges turn around again, so the girls quickly stay still and stop scratching. Again, the girls are in another different pose. The stooges look annoyed and they turn around to resume their painting. The girls continue scratching again.]
[The stooges turn around again, so the girls quickly stay still and stop scratching. As soon as the stooges turn around to resume their painting, the girls continue scratching]
[Moe turns around and Shempetta quickly stays still. This time, she’s in a different pose. She is sitting there with her arm sticking out. Moe does a double take and wipes his painting. As soon as Moe continues painting, the girls continue scratching.]
[The girls continue to scratch for a while. The camera slowly moves and shows Shempetta, Moella, and Larraine scratching. The camera shows a picture of an older man and woman. Those two also begin scratching]
[The camera cuts to Moella and Shempetta scratching. Shempetta stands up and removes the pillow from her seat]
SHEMPETTA: Ants! [throws pillow]
[The pillow lands on a hook which is above the piano. The pillow rips open and the feathers inside of it fall into the piano.]
[Shempetta sits down. Moella and Shempetta try to pose again. Larry looks at Moella. He looks annoyed, so he walks up to her.]
LARRY: Miss Moella, you lost that mood. That beautiful expression you had on your face. I want you to look ecstatic. For instance, what would you do if a man got on his knees and he said, “Darling, I love you. Will you marry me?”
MOELLA: [stands up] Of course I will. Sweetheart
LARRY: Darling.
[Larry hops into Moella’s arms. Moella carries Larry over to piano]
MOELLA: Ah hahahaha. Girls! We’re engaged.
LARRAINE: [referring to herself and Shemp] So are we!
SHEMPETTA: [referring to herself and Moe] We make it unanimous. Hmm. [hugs Moe]
MOE: [as he hugs Shempetta] Ehehe! Ehh!
[Larry plays “Here Comes The Bride” on the piano and feathers start coming out. Larry stops, looks at Moella, and then continues to play. The scene ends.]
[A new scene begins inside the girls’ apartment. The girls are sitting down on the couch while their father is standing up confronting them]
FATHER: But artists! Of all people, artists! Besides, I don’t know anything about these men.
LARRAINE: But they’re nice men and they love us.
SHEMPETTA: And we love them too.
FATHER: Ah, nonsense! I won’t give my consent until I find out what kinda bozos these guys are. And I’m going to find out right now. [leaves the apartment]
MOELLA: [to Larraine and Shempetta] I do hope the boys make a good impression on father. I’ll die if my romance is broken.
LARRAINE: [to Shempetta] So will I.
[Moella stands up and places her knitting needles on the couch. While Larraine is sewing, she accidentally pokes Moella in the rear with the needle.]
MOELLA: Ahhh! Ooohh!
LARRAINE: Oh! Oh sister! Oh sister dear. Please relax. Sit down.
[Moella sits down on the knitting needles]
MOELLA: Ahhhhhhhh! Ohhhh! Oh help me. I’m losing my mind.
LARRAINE: Hold it. Hold it. I’ll get it.
MOELLA: Ohh!
[Larraine pulls out the needles from Moella’s rear]
MOELLA: Ahhhh!
[Larraine and Shempetta look at the needles and they’re all bent]
SHEMPETTA: [looks off-camera] Look, it’s getting late. The boys’ll be here any minute.
[Cut to the hallway. The stooges are on their way to the girls’ apartment. Moe is holding a box of candy, Shemp is holding a box with a cake inside of it and Larry is holding ice cream.]
MOE: [to Larry and Shemp] Now you guys watch your behavior. We gotta make a hit with the girls father.
[The stooges get ready to open a door, but the girls’ father comes out through the door and hits the stooges in the face while opening it]
STOOGES: Ohh!
MOE: Why you!
SHEMP: Wreck my cake! Why don’t ya look where you’re going?
FATHER: Why don’t you go where you’re looking?
SHEMP: Oh, a tough guy eh? [flings the father’s nose]
FATHER: Tough enough to handle you birds. [twists Shemp and Larry’s nose]
SHEMP AND LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Let ‘em go! [hits father on the head with the box of candy]
[Shemp takes the cake out of the box]
SHEMP: Hey, uh, mister!
[Shemp throws the cake in the father’s face]
MOE: Give it to ‘im boys!
FATHER: Why you!
LARRY: He needs some ice cream.
FATHER: What’s going on here?
[Larry stuffs the ice cream inside the father’s shirt]
FATHER: What’s this? Oh!! Oh! Oh! Oh oh! Oh oh! I’ll fix you for this. I’ll work it---
[Shemp pushes the father away with his foot. The father hits the wall and a plant falls on his head knocking him out.]
FATHER: Ohh ohh ohh oh!
SHEMP: [to the father] That’ll teach you a lesson. [to Moe] Bouncing doors on people’s faces. Come on.
[Moe opens the door and hits Larry and Shemp in the face]
SHEMP AND LARRY: Ohh!
MOE: What’s the matter with you guys?
SHEMP: Oh oh!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the girls’ apartment. The stooges knock on the door]
GIRLS: Come in!
[The stooges walk in]
MOE: Ah!
STOOGES: Good evening ladies!
GIRLS: Good evening gentlemen!
SHEMPETTA: Father has refused his consent until he meets you.
LARRAINE: He’s on his way to your place right now.
SHEMP: Now, don’t worry, you beautiful little heads. Your father will go crazy over us when he meets us.
MOELLA: Oh I hope so.
LARRY: Oh, he’ll be proud to have us as son-in-laws.
[Father walks in looking all beat up]
MOELLA: Papa!!
GIRLS: Wha happen??
FATHER: I met three gangsters---
[Father sees the stooges]
FATHER: That’s them.
[Father grabs a gun and runs after the stooges.]
FATHER: Why you!
LARRY: Wait a minute.
SHEMP: No!
MOELLA: No!
[The stooges run away.]
STOOGES: [as they’re running] Whoa!
[In the room where the stooges are running, there is another room connected to it. The two rooms are connected with drapes. The drapes are open. The stooges run to the other room while father runs after them. The stooges enter through the door with the father running after them. The stooges run to the other room and enter through the door. The stooges run to the other room again, they place a bench there and continue running. The father comes in through the door and as soon as he approaches the other room, he jumps over the bench. The stooges enter through the door and when they approach the other room, they trip over the bench and fall. The father enters through the door, sees the stooges on the floor and he shoots Moe, Larry and Shemp in the rear]
FATHER: I gotcha rat! [as he shoots] Take that! And that! And that!
STOOGES: Ohh!!
[The stooges continue running. The father stays by the other room and he puts the bench aside. The stooges enter through the door, they close it, and they stand there. The father sees them and he shoots Moe, Larry, and Shemp in the rear again.]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Oh!
SHEMP: Oh!
STOOGES: Oh!
[The stooges open the door and run out. Father continues shooting, but he’s out of bullets]
FATHER: I’ll get ‘em. Here I come. [runs through the door]
[Moe runs out of the other room and then through the door. Shemp and Larry stand by the other room, they stick out their foots to try and trip the father. However, father stops at the table to refill his gun with more bullets. Moe runs out of the other room and trips over Larry and Shemp’s foot.
MOE: Oh oh! [falls]
LARRY: Oh! [grabs Moe] Now listen dad--- [realizes it’s Moe] It’s Moe! I’m sorry.
MOE: Get outta here. [bonks Larry’s forehead]
LARRY: Oh!
SHEMP: Why don’t you--- [Moe grabs Shemp’s nose and bangs it] Oh! Oh oh!
[Father loads his gun with more bullets and he shoots Moe in rear]
MOE: Oh!
STOOGES: Ohh!
[The stooges run through the door and they stay there. The father runs after the stooges. As soon as the father gets ready to run through the door, Moe closes it on the father’s face. The father falls on the floor. He gets up, opens the door and the stooges are still standing there listening]
FATHER: Why you!
STOOGES: Ahh! [they run away]
[Before father runs after them, he closes the door. The stooges come out through the other room and approach the door. They stand there. The father comes out through the other room and approaches the stooges]
STOOGES: Wait a minute.
[Father turns his gun around and gets ready to hit the stooges with it]
FATHER: I’ll get you!
[The father runs towards the stooges. As he runs, Moe opens the door. The father runs through the door and runs into the wall and gets knocked out. Moe closes the door.]
MOE: That’s that. [points to chair] Look!
[Moe grabs a uniform from the chair]
MOE: Hey! With this fur collar we can--- [the stooges huddle and then they run off camera]
[Father revives and he opens the door. He runs through the door and through the other room. He runs through the door and then through the other room again several times. He ends up running around in circles. As he runs, the stooges come out from the behind the window curtains. They are disguised in beards and are dressed up as Scotchmen.]
MOE: Here he comes.
[Father eventually gets out of breath and stops running. The stooges then pretend to be playing bagpipes. The father approaches them]
FATHER: Did you see three men about--- [raises his hand to describe the height of the stooges]
MOE: Hoot mon! Hoot hoot!
LARRY: They went that way lad! [points off-camera]
SHEMP: Hoot
LARRY: Hoot
SHEMP: Hoot
LARRY: Hoot
STOOGES: Hoot hoot hoot!
FATHER: Hoot hoot! Uh, thank you! [walks away]
SHEMP: Hoop hoop! Hoop!
[The father continues to runs around in circles again several times. He continuously runs through the other room and through the door. The stooges hide behind the curtains. The father eventually gets out of breath again. So, he stops running and he sees shoes popping out from under the window curtains]
FATHER: Mm. Hmm. [takes his gun and gets ready to use it as a club]
[The father walks up to the curtains]
FATHER: Ah hah! I gotcha! [hits the curtains several times] Ahh ahh eeh eeh ahh. Yeah, come out! Come out I say. [opens the curtains and nobody is there]
FATHER: They got away. Consonate!!
[The father pulls the curtains and the pole on top falls down and hits him on the head.]
[The stooges come out from behind the chair and they stand right by the other room.]
STOOGES: Nyehh!!! [teasing the father]
FATHER: Why you!! [runs after the stooges]
SHEMP: Whoa!
[The stooges close the drapes on the other room. The father tries to run through the drapes but he bumps into it and falls down. The stooges open the drapes and they are holding the bench, which is what the father ran into.]
MOE: [to Larry and Shemp] Nice work boys
SHEMP: Hahahaha.
[The father gets up]
STOOGES: Ahh! Ehh!
[The stooges run away and enter through the door. Rather than running through the other room like before, the stooges just run all the way to the end of the room. The father runs through the door and into the other room. He runs around in circles again. He eventually gets out of breath. So, he stops and searches the room as he catches his breath. He approaches the couch and looks around it.]
FATHER: I’ll find ‘em. I’ll find ‘em. Where are you? Where are you?
[Father sits down on the couch and it turns out that this isn’t a couch after all. It’s the stooges hiding under a big blanket. As soon as the father sits down, the stooges wrap the father up inside the blanket.]
LARRY: [as he wraps the father up in the blanket] I got him.
SHEMP: [to Moe who’s head is stuck under the blanket] Come out. [Moe gets his head free]
MOE: Got him?
LARRY: Yeah.
MOELLA: No no boys! Boys!
LARRAINE: Be careful. Don’t hurt papa.
[The stooges finish wrapping the father up. The stooges carry him over to the chair]
MOE: Come on.
LARRY: That a boy!
[The stooges set the father on the chair]
LARRY: Now relax. You won’t get hurt.
SHEMP: Now will you consent to our marriage?
FATHER: Never!
SHEMP: Do your stuff Moe.
FATHER: You’ll regret this. I warn ya! I warn----
[Moe takes off father’s shoe and tickles his foot. The father starts laughing hysterically]
SHEMP: Will you consent?
FATHER: Never! Never!!!
[Moe continues tickling and the father continues laughing]
FATHER: [as he’s laughing] Oh, help! Murder! [laughs]
SHEMP: What do ya say?
FATHER: Nnn--- Yes I consent.
[Moe stops tickling]
MOE: Oh, now we can get married.
LARRY: Right!
MOE: [to the girls] Darling.
SHEMP: Baby! Sugar!
[The stooges run up to the girls. They leave the father on the chair all wrapped up in the blanket. The father struggles to free himself.]
SHEMPETTA AND LARRAINE: Sweetheart.
MOELLA: Darling.
[The girls say this simultaneously]
[The stooges hug their girlfriends]
LARRY: Baby!
MOE: Sugar club!
[Dissolve to a new scene where we see the stooges and the girls looking at a baby crib]
SHEMP: [looking at the baby crib] Junior! Ah ah ah ah ah!
MOE: [looking at the baby crib] Mergatroid, Da da da da da da da!
MOELLA: [to Larraine] Mergatroid is a darling.
LARRY: [looking at the baby crib] Baby doll. Ah ah!
[In the crib are three babies that look exactly like Moe, Larry and Shemp. The babies are drinking milk. Each of them has their own nipples to drink from. Their nipples are connected to the same container of milk. Baby Moe steals the nipple from Baby Shemp. Baby Shemp starts crying. Baby Shemp takes back the nipple and squirts milk on Baby Moe’s face. Baby Moe eyepokes Baby Shemp and Baby Shemp starts crying. Baby Shemp continues to drink his milk from the nipple, but Baby Moe steals it again. Baby Shemp cries again. Baby Moe steals Baby Larry’s nipple as well. Baby Shemp and Baby Larry fight with Moe to get their nipples back. Baby Larry can’t get his nipple back, so he cries. Baby Moe slaps Baby Larry. Baby Shemp and Baby Larry cry while Moe drinks the milk. The scene ends.]
--THE END--
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