Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-08-06
[The short opens up outside an all-girls college. Outside the building is a sign that says, "Mildew College Est. 1885." The girls in the college are playing basketball. As they're playing, they're screaming and enjoying themselves. Benson, Professor Hicks, Mrs. Catsby, and Mrs. Catsby's daughter are standing next to school watching the girls play.]
BENSON: There! You see, Professor Hicks. This school is in desperate need of athletic equipment. The girls need sports, they want sports and besides, it's good for them.
CATSBY: I know what's good for the girls.
CASTBY'S DAUGHTER: Oh mother!
CATSBY: Yes. In my day, we kept our noses in books and didn't run around dressed like…fan dancers.
HICKS: It's useless to argue Benson. Mrs. Catsby's generous donation will be used for the salaries of the three European professors who arrive today to join our faculty.
CATSBY: Oh! That reminds me. We better start preparing for their arrival.
CASTBY'S DAUGHTER: [to Benson] That's mother for you!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in a gas station. The manager blows the whistle and the stooges run up to him]
MANAGER: I'm going across the street, men, for a sandwich. Now listen, when the customers come in, give 'em service. Now, this is your first day on the job, so show me that you got what it takes. Don't be afraid to push those sponges around. Use a little elbow grease.
CURLY: Suppose it's knee-action? [Moe hits Curly in the face]
CURLY: [turns to larry] Oh! What's the idea?
LARRY: Mistaken identity. [points to Moe]
CURLY: [to Moe] Hi ya pal!
MOE: Ok boss, you can trust us.
MANAGER: Carry on. [leaves]
MOE: You heard what the boss said. He's a pretty nice guy. Now we'll grease their elbows and I'll grease their palms. Carry on.
LARRY: Carry on.
[The stooges walk towards each other and they bump heads. A car honks and drives into the gas station. The car has a driver in the front seat and the three professors are sitting in the back. Moe approaches the driver]
MOE: What'll it be, stranger?
CAR DRIVER: Put in ten gallons of gas. I'm going across the street for a sandwich.
MOE: Ok boys! Super service! Carry on!
LARRY AND CURLY: Right right right!
[The stooges walk towards each other again and bump heads]
PROFESSOR #1: Well, I guess we might as well have lunch here gentlemen.
PROFESSORS 2&3: Ya!
MOE: Right!
LARRY AND CURLY: Right!
CURLY: Right!
LARRY: Right!
CURLY: Right!
LARRY: Right!
[The stooges get ready to work on the car]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo. Swing it.
MOE: Get that super service.
LARRY: Super service. [washes the car with a wet sponge] Elbow grease eh! [Moe wipes the car with a broom and he accidentally brushes Larry with it] Thank you.
MOE: Super ser--- [sees Larry] Oh!!
[Curly is wiping the car and he sees one of the professors eating a sausage]
CURLY: Nyuk. Hold it. [Puts mustard on the sausage] Super service. Help yourself. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Curly dusts the car and dust goes all over the professors. One of the professors sneeze]
CURLY: Gesundheit. Super service.
[Curly starts dusting the back of the car]
CURLY: [singing] Na nee na.
[Moe takes the windshield and lifts it up making the food spill all over the professors]
PROFESSORS: Oh!
MOE: [sprays water on the windshield] Nothing like a clean windshield, gents.
[Curly grabs one of the professors hats and dusts it.]
CURLY: [as he's dusting, he sings] Na nee. Na nee.
[All of a sudden, Curly looks at professor #2's bald head]
CURLY: [yells to Larry] Hey! Throw me that polish!
LARRY: Right! [throws the polish to Curly]
[Curly spreads the polish all over the professor's head]
MOE: That's what you call--- [sees Curly]
PROFESSOR #2: What are you doing?
CURLY: Quiet, I'm---
PROFESSOR #2: What are doing?
MOE: [sees what Curly is doing] Hold it!
CURLY: Quiet I'm polishing---
[Moe goes up to Curly]
MOE: What's all the rumpus here? [to the professor] Take it easy, Field Marshall. [to Curly] You don't know what you're going. Going around there, help him. I'll finish this.
CURLY: Right.
[Moe wipes the professor's head with a handkerchief]
[Curly goes up to Larry who is polishing the front of the car]
CURLY: Hey! We gotta clean the spark plugs. Get the tools.
LARRY: Ok finish this. [hands Curly the towel]
CURLY: Right.
LARRY: Right.
CURLY: Right.
LARRY: Right.
CURLY: [singing] Na nee na! [polishes the front of the car]
[Suddenly, Curly looks at the hook at the front of the car, he lays the towel on it and approaches Larry who is coming out with the tools]
CURLY: [to Larry] Come on. Hurry up! Super service.
[Moe is still wiping the professor's head. He suddenly sees Larry and Curly with the tool]
MOE: [yells] Wait! [approaches Larry and Curly] Don't you men know you're not supposed to open a body unless you sterilize your hands.
[A trucks pulls in]
MOE: Super Service.
TRUCK DRIVER: Hey, could you guys give me a little help? I need some repairs.
MOE: We're pretty busy pal, but we'll be glad to let you use the tools. Save us from working on the job.
MOE: [approaches Larry and Curly] Alright men! A little super service. [to Larry] You check the battery. [to Curly] You check the tires.
CURLY: What are you gonna check?
MOE: I'm gonna check you guys.
CURLY: Right.
LARRY: Right.
CURLY: Right.
LARRY: Right.
CURLY: Right.
LARRY: Right.
CURLY: Right.
LARRY: Don't worry about nothing. [takes the suitcases from the professors' car and throws them in the truck] We'll have it done in a minute here, bud.
[Moe approaches professor #1 and feels his face]
PROFESSOR #1: [to the other professors] I never saw such goings. [to Moe] What is this?
MOE: Just as I thought. [takes out an electric razor and shaves the professor]
PROFESSOR #1: What? What? What ya doing? Aye aye aye! What kind of a place is this?
[Curly is pulling the professor #3's leg]
PROFESSOR #3: Oh! Let go of my leg.
MOE: Hey! What are you trying to do?
CURLY: I'm gonna press his pants.
MOE: Well leave him alone and check the tires like a told you.
CURLY: Right. [lets go of the professor's leg]
PROFESSOR #1: Don't do anymore.
MOE: Only one ahead of you. You're next.
CURLY: Right.
[Curly grabs the tube to fill the tire with air. Once he grabs it, the top of the tube comes off and it goes out of control. Curly dives to the ground and tries to catch the tube. When he picks it up, it goes out of control still and it blows the sand on the ground. The sand gets blown all over the professors]
CURLY: Hmm. Hmm.
MOE: Hey! What's the matter with you? I just got this stuff cleaned up. Shut it off. Larry, shut it off!!
[Larry quickly shuts off the air]
PROFESSOR #3: Stop it! Stop it!
LARRY: Are you hurt? Are you alright?
MOE: [picks up Curly] Get up outta there! You see what you did, huh. Now I gotta clean those guys up again. [takes Larry and Curly and bumps their heads together]
LARRY AND CURLY: Oh!
MOE: Don't stand around idle. [to Curly] You put in the water. [to Larry] You put in the gas. Get moving.
CURLY: Right.
LARRY: Right.
MOE: [to the professors] Sorry gents, but this can happen at the best of places. Have you all cleaned up in a jiffy.
PROFESSOR #1: [wiping his face] Yeah. I suppose so.
[Moe grabs a wet sponge from the bucket and cleans the professor's face with it]
PROFESSOR #1: Oh! Mm. Pfff.
MOE: It's alright now. Now, hold still now, just a minute and I'll have a towel right away. Just take it easy fellas.
[Curly takes the gas pump and fills the front of the car with gas instead of water. Larry is in the back trying to fill the back of the car with gas, but he is filling it with water instead. He looks at the meter on the gas pump Curly is using. Curly is putting a lot of gas into the front of the car. Larry is finished putting the "gas" in the back and he looks at the meter and wonders why it's still moving. Curly is finally finished putting the gas in the front of the car and the meter stops. Larry sees it stop and he scratches his head looking all confused. Curly leans on the car and falls asleep.]
MOE: [walks up to the front of the car and says to Curly] Hey! Did you put the water in? Ah! You never do anything right.
[Moe lights a match and looks through the hole in the front of the car. The car blows up.]
LARRY: [runs up to Moe] What happened?
MOE: It's murder! It's arson! Let's get outta here.
[Moe and Larry run into the ice cream truck and drive away.]
MOE: Hey Curly! Come on!
CURLY: [wakes up and sees what happened] Ah! Hey Moe! Larry! What happened?
[Curly runs after the moving ice cream truck Moe and Larry are in. Curly runs into the back where the freezer is]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see Moe and Larry driving the truck in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, the truck stops]
LARRY: What's the matter?
MOE: We're outta gas.
LARRY: Outta gas?
MOE: What do you think this thing is? A camel? We've been going for over three hours. Let's get outta here.
[Moe and Larry walk out of the truck]
LARRY: Hey! Didn't we forget something.
MOE: I can't think of anything.
LARRY: How 'bout Curly?
MOE: Curly? [looks in his pockets] He's in the car!!
LARRY: Curly!
[Moe and Larry run to the back of the truck]
MOE: Hey Curly!
LARRY: Open the door.
[Moe opens the door and Curly is lying inside all frozen]
MOE: Hey Curly!
LARRY: He's frozen.
MOE: Get him outta there.
[Larry pulls Curly out]
MOE: Oh a frozen dainty eh!
LARRY: He's as stiff as a plank. What are we gonna do with him?
MOE: We'll build the fire under him and thaw him out. Come on! Get him into the woods. Get your arm outta here. Up we go.
[Moe and Larry lift Curly out of the truck. The scene ends]
[A new scene begins where we see Curly attached to a tree trunk and Moe has built a fire under him.]
MOE: He's done on this side. Turn him over.
[Larry spins the tree trunk so the fire can defrost Curly all over his body]
MOE: Twenty minutes to a pound. Haha. We'll be here a month.
[Curly wakes up]
CURLY: Yaahh! Ahh! Ah! What's happened? Get me off here.
LARRY: He's burning now.
MOE: He's done.
CURLY: Oh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
MOE: I'll get you off kid. Easy kid, now. Easy!
[Moe unties Curly]
MOE: Whoa! [gets burned from the fire] Easy kid. I'm getting ya.
CURLY: Ay! Ah ah ah! Ah! Oh whoa! Ah! Ah! Ah! [falls on the floor] Woo woo woo woo!
[Curly runs toward the pond and jumps in]
CURLY: Oh oh. Ah ah!
LARRY: Are you alright?
MOE: Take it easy kid.
[Moe and Larry give Curly a hand to help him out of the water]
CURLY: Give me your hand. Give me your hand.
MOE: Give him a hand.
[Moe and Larry fall into the water]
MOE AND LARRY: Whoa!
MOE: [to Curly] Now look at the mess you got us into.
LARRY: Wait a minute! What about those suitcases I put in that ice cream truck. There might be some dry clothes in them
MOE: That's a good idea. Let's go and look. [to Curly] I ought to beat your brains. And I think I will.
[Moe bonks Curly's head and he falls back into the water]
CURLY: Oh! Hey wait for me! [starts swimming] Ain't going any place.
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins where we see the stooges in black graduation gowns. The stooges are trying to hitchhike a ride. Two cars pass by, but don't stop. A third car passes by and stops]
MOE: They've stopped.
[Mrs. Catsby gets out of the car]
CATSBY: [to Mr. Hicks] Look! They must be our three professors.
HICKS: Yes yes! Indeed!
CATSBY: [to the stooges] Welcome to Mildew!
LARRY: I guess she means us. Let's go.
[The stooges run up to Mrs. Catsby]
CATSBY: [to Larry] Oh! Professor Von Stupor!
LARRY: Stupid!! I guess you mean him. [points to Curly]
CATSBY: [to Curly] We have a grand day planned. First, a visit to the classrooms. Then, a reception and a buffet luncheon.
CURLY: I never ate at a buffet but I bet you got something there. [pushes Moe and Larry in order to get into the car] Look out. Let me get in there. Will you.
CATSBY: [to Moe] Oh! You'll just love it. Mildew has a lovely student body.
MOE: Yours wouldn't be so bad either if you took off about twenty pounds.
CATSBY: What?
MOE: Come on, sister! Let's go. [pulls Catsby into the car]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins inside one of the Mildew classrooms. The stooges are seated in front of the class and Mrs. Catsby is standing in front to make an announcement. The class applauds]
CATSBY: Thank you girls. Henceforth Mildew College will take its place among the world's greatest institutions of learning. No other school can boast of having such distinguished educators as professors Feinstein, Frankfurter, and Von Stupor.
[The class applauds again and the stooges stand up]
CURLY: [looks at one of the girls] Say! I'll meet ya in the gymnasium next to the dumbbells. You'll know me. I gotta hat. Nyuh hahahahahaha. [Moe bonks Curly on the head] Ahh!.
[The stooges sit down and Mrs. Catsby resumes her announcement]
CATSBY: And now, I'm going to call on Professor Feinstein to tell you something of his famous theory.
[The class applauds again. Larry is supposed to stand up, but he's daydreaming. Moe slaps him in the face]
LARRY: Oh me! Professor Feinstein. [stands up] Any questions?
STUDENT: [stands up] Is it true that time and space are calculated by the direct ratio of interplanetary magnetism to solar radiation?
[Larry stands there all confused. Moe gets up]
MOE: [to the student] What do you think? [to Larry] I think we're gonna have trouble with this dame.
[Larry sits down and Moe talks to the class]
MOE: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna---sit down. [the student remains standing] I'm gonna test your mental coordination with--- sit down. [she still remains standing] I'm gonna test your mental coordination with a little--- [yells] Sit down!!!! [the student sits] With a little number called 'Swinging the Alphabet."
CURLY: Swing it brother.
LARRY: Swing it.
MOE: Right.
LARRY AND CURLY: Right.
MOE: [to a student] I'll explain it so even you can understand it. My colleagues will assist.
MOE: [to the pianist] Ready sister? [to Curly and Larry] Get that junk outta here. Come on, boys. Scram.
[Curly and Larry get up and move their chairs out of the way. Moe grabs a pointer and points on the blackboard that has the alphabets written on it]
MOE: I'll give you the idea in a nutshell. [points to the letters on the board] B-A, Bay. B-E, Be. BI, Bicky-Bi. B-O, Bo. I'll give you the correct demonstration. [to the pianist] Cutie pie, pound those horse teeth.
[The pianist plays the piano]
MOE: [Singing] B-A, Bay. B-E, Be. BI, Bicky-Bi. B-O, Bo. Bicky-Bi-Bo. B-U, Bu. Bicky-Bi-Bo-Bu.
STOOGES: [singing] C-A, Cay. C-E, Ce. CI, Cicky-Ci. C-O, Co. Cicky-Ci-Co. C-U, Cu. Cicky-Ci-Co-Cu.
[The piano stops]
MOE: Get the idea girls? Now we'll all join together on the letter 'D.'
[The pianist continues playing]
GIRLS: [singing] D-A, Day. D-E, De. DI, Dicky-Di. D-O, Do. Dicky-Di-Do. D-U, Du. Dicky-Di-Do-Du. F-A, Fay. F-E, Fe. FI, Ficky-Fi. F-O, Fo. Ficky-Fi-Fo. F-U, Fu. Ficky-Fi-Fo-Fu. G-A, Gay. G-E, Ge. GI, Gicky-Gi. G-O, Go. Gicky-Gi-Go. G-U, Gu. Gicky-Gi-Go-Gu. Rat-Ta-Da-Da!!
[The stooges get startled. The girls start singing faster and in a different melody. The stooges start dancing.]
GIRLS: H-A, Hay. H-E, He. HI, Hicky-Hi. H-O, Ho. Hicky-Hi-Ho. H-U, Hu. Hicky-Hi-Ho-Hu. J-A, Jay. J-E, Je. JI, Jicky-Ji. J-O, Jo. Jicky-Ji-Jo. J-U, Ju. Jicky-Ji-Jo-Ju.
CURLY: [singing in the original melody] K-A, Kay. K-E, Ke. KI, Kicky-Ki. K-O, Ko. Kicky-Ki-Ko. K-U, Ku. Kicky-Ki-Ko-Ku. L-A, Lay. L-E, Le. LI, Licky-Li. L-O, Lo. [waves] Licky-Li-Lo. L-U
GIRLS: [singing] Curly's a dope!
[Curly gets shocked and gives the girls a look]
GIRLS: [singing] M-A, May. M-E, Me. MI, Micky-Mi. M-O, Mo. Micky-Mi-Mo. M-U, Mu. Micky-Mi-Mo-Mu.
[The stooges now play instrumentally. Larry is playing the violin, Curly is tapping two spoons together and Moe is ripping paper in half. The girls laugh when they see them playing. When the stooges are finished playing, the class applauds and the scene ends]
[A new scene begins in the lunch room. Duncan is preparing the table with food. Mrs. Catsby's daughter walks up to him.]
CASTBY'S DAUGHTER: Oh Duncan! Mother said to announce luncheon as soon as it's ready.
DUNCAN: I shall do so at once miss.
[Duncan walks to the side of the table. He hammers on the xylophone three times.]
DUNCAN: Luncheon is served.
[The stooges come out from under the table]
CURLY: Oh super service!
LARRY: Alright!
MOE: Easy fellas. Take your time. There's enough for every--- [Larry reaches for food in front of Moe] Don't you know it's bad etiquette to reach in front of a person when said person is trying to snag a morsel of food? [Moe slaps Larry]
[Curly is eating a cucumber and Larry accidentally bumps his head on the cucumber. The cucumber gets pushed into Curly's mouth and gets stuck.]
CURLY: Hmm. Mggg. [runs down the room]
MOE: Head him off around there. I'll get him down here.
[Moe and Larry run after Curly]
CATSBY: Oh! What's the matter? Oh somebody do something. Help him. Help him.
MOE: Hold still kid. I'll get ya. [bangs on the cucumber and slaps Curly on the neck. The cucumber is still stuck]
MOE: I can't do a thing with him. You try something.
[Larry hits Curly in the back and liquid squirts out of the cucumber and it splashes on Moe's face]
MOE: Oh! Oh a wise guy eh! [punches Curly in the stomach and liquid squirts again] Ahhhh! From now on you're on your own. [to Mrs. Catsby] That's gratitude for ya.
CATSBY: Do you think we better call a doctor?
MOE: No, if he had an ounce of initiation, he'd swallow the thing.
[Mr. Hicks walks in through the door]
HICKS: Oh, Mrs. Catsby!
CATSBY: Yes.
HICKS: May I see you?
CATSBY: Certainly! [Liquid from the cucumber squirts on Mrs. Catsby] Ohhh! Ehhh!
[Mrs. Catsby walks up to Professor Hicks. The three real professors are standing next to him]
HICKS: There's some terrible mistake.
CATSBY: A mistake??
PROFESSOR #2: I'm Professor Von Stupor.
CATSBY: I beg your pardon.
MOE: Ready? Go!!
[Larry kicks Curly and Moe punches Curly in the stomach. The cucumber flies out of Curly's mouth and hits professor #1 in the head]
PROFESSOR #1: Eh!!
MOE: A bullseye. [shakes Curly's hand]
PROFESSOR #1: This is the last straw. Tonight, we return to hamburg on the clipper.
CURLY: I never heard of such a thing.
MOE: You never heard of what?
CURLY: He's gonna get a hamburger with a zipper.
MOE: Hmm Hmm!
[The professors walk up to the science lab and they look inside]
PROFESSOR #1: Wait! We will mix them a formula they will never forget.
PROFESSOR #2: Good!
CATSBY: [to the stooges] Gentlemen! I demand an explanation.
MOE: Oh, don't worry lady. Let 'em go. What this college needs anyway is athletics. Football!
LARRY: And basketball.
CURLY: I can do very nicely with a high ball.
CATSBY: What do you mean?
[Moe kicks Curly's foot]
CURLY: Oh!
MOE: Come outside, lady. We'll demonstrate.
CURLY: Come on toots.
LARRY: [calls out to the students] Come on girls.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins outside. The stooges, Mrs. Catsby, and the students all walk outside]
MOE: [to Mrs. Catsby] Just try and visualize, lady. A beautiful spring afternoon. The flowers are in bloom.
LARRY: The bees are making honey.
CURLY: And seabiscuit is making six furlongs on one ten flat.
[Moe takes Mrs. Catsby's arm and hits Curly in the face with it]
CURLY: Oh!
CATSBY: Oh!
[simultaneously]
MOE: [to Curly] Quiet!
CURLY: Ruff!
MOE: [to Mrs. Catsby] The grandstands are filled to capacity. And look! [points to the ground] I see a diamond.
CURLY: Where?
MOE: [to Mrs. Catsby] Just old time prospectors.
[Larry and Curly are on the ground looking for the diamond]
MOE: Alright, break it up. [to Mrs. Catsby] Now, Mrs. Cats.
CATSBY: Catsby.
MOE: Alright, Catsby! So wha—
CATSBY: Sufferin Catsby.
MOE: Alright Sufferin--- Hey! Will you quit heckling me? [to Curly and Larry] Come on men, break it up!
[Curly and Larry get up]
MOE: [to Larry] Any luck?
LARRY: Ah, he gets all the breaks. [points to Curly]
CURLY: Yeah, I found a corona.
MOE: A corona?
CURLY: It was a corona corona, but I only found half of it. [puts a half-smoked cigar in his mouth] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Moe snacks the cigar on Curly's mouth. Curly gives an annoyed gesture]
[The camera cuts to the lab where we see the three professors mixing their formula]
PROFESSOR #1: Should I put in a little of this?
PROFESSOR #3: Just a little, about one quart.
PROFESSOR #1: Good.
[Cut to outside]
MOE: You see, basketball is very difficult to explain without a basketball. Has anyone a basketball handy?
[Cut to the lab.]
PROFESSOR #3: Shhh! [The professor throws a ball outside the window.]
[Cut to outside]
MOE: Any kind will do. Crowflight. Baby dimple. [Moe catches the ball] Oh! Thank you. That's what I call super service. Come on men, we'll demonstrate. A forward pass
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo!
CATSBY: What's the meaning of this?
CATSBY'S DAUGHTER: Don't worry mother.
[The stooges are playing football with the basketball.]
CURLY: Twenty-nine! Swing it! [Moe pass the ball to Curly] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Curly throws the ball and Mrs. Catsby catches it by accident]
CURLY: Hey! What's the idea?
MOE: She intercepted it. Come on.
LARRY: Let's get it.
[The stooges run up to Mrs. Catsby who still has the ball in her hand]
LARRY: Run lady! Your teams getting all the break.
STOOGES: Run!
[Mrs. Catsby runs and the stooges jump on top of her. Moe blows the whistle]
MOE: Get up off of me.
[The stooges stand up and Moe blows the whistle again]
MOE: Mrs. Catsby's ball on her own five yard line.
CATSBY: I've had just about enough of this, gentlemen! [throws the ball down]
STOOGES: A fumble.
CATSBY: [grabs Moe] I've never been so humiliated in my life. But I'll forgive everything and give the school an athletic fund if you'll just get those three poor professors back.
[The camera cuts to the professors who running at the side of the yard. They run behind the big, tall bushes and hide]
PROFESSOR #3: Hurry!
[Cut to the stooges and Mrs. Catsby]
MOE: Hey fellas! Get rid of that ball. The lady's got a proposition.
[Curly throws the ball over the big, tall bushes and it explodes. The professors come flying over and they land right in front of the stooges]
MOE: There ya are, lady. That's what I call Super Service.
CATSBY: But look at them!!
MOE: Aw, that's alright. We'll have 'em cleaned up in a minute. Carry on men!
CURLY AND LARRY: Right!
[The stooges walk towards each other and they bump heads]
MOE: Right!
CURLY: Right!
[The scene ends]
--THE END---
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