Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-08-04
[The short open up and we see Goodrich sitting down watching TV. The butler is right next to him, standing up and holding a tray]
TV ANNOUNCER: Ah! There’s grim news tonight. Once more, the phantom gang has struck and terror stalks through the city. Another prominent citizen has disappeared. And men are asking, “Who will be next?”
[The butler drops the tray on the floor. It startles Goodrich]
GOODRICH: Don’t do that!
BUTLER: But sir, I’m worried. Ah, you may be next!
GOODRICH: Me? Oh no no! Nonsense. There’s nothing to worry about. Uh, I’m not worried. No, I’m not ah---
[Goodrich tries to light his cigar with a match, but since he’s so nervous, he puts the match in his mouth thinking it’s a cigar and he rubs his cigar thinking it’s the match. He sees his mistake and he throws the cigar and match on the floor]
GOODRICH: Where are those detectives? They promised to be here an hour ago.
[A rock breaks through the window. Goodrich stands up, grabs the rock and reads the notes attached to it]
GOODRICH: You will be next.
[Goodrich runs to the phone]
GOODRICH: [on the phone] Operator! Operator! Get me the Alert Detective Agency. How should I know the number! The Alert Detective Agency.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins. The camera is showing a sign on the door that reads “Alert Detective Agency.” The camera cuts to the stooges who are tied up. The phone is ringing but nobody is able to answer it. Moe bangs his head against the wall and a shield hanging above them falls on their head.]
[The stooges are groaning. The janitor walks in, sees the stooges and unties them]
MOE: [to Larry] Help me with this.
LARRY: Ok.
JANITOR: What’s the matter boys?
MOE: Yeah, we’ve been robbed. [to Shemp] Hey! We gotta get going! What does your watch say?
SHEMP: Don’t say nothing! You gotta look at it!
MOE: [slaps Shemp] Get outta here! [hears the phone ring and he says to Larry] Answer the phone!
LARRY: I’ll answer it when I’m ready.
MOE: Yeah? [slaps Larry’s face twice, then hits his stomach, and bonks his head.]
[Moe gets ready to punch Larry but Larry stops him]
LARRY: Oh! I’m ready!
LARRY: [answers the phone] Hello. Oh yes, Mr. Goodrich. I’m sorry we were tied up. [Moe slaps Larry and grabs the phone]
MOE: [on the phone] He means we were detained. We’re on our way though.
[The camera cuts to Goodrich’s house. He’s sitting behind his desk talking to the stooges on the phone]
GOODRICH: Oh that’s fine. Thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] I feel a lot safer already. [lights a cigar]
[The goon opens the door behind Goodrich and he grabs him]
GOODRICH: Aaaahhh! Ohh! Ohhh! [The goon knocks Goodrich out behind the desk]
[The butler, a henchman, and a woman walk in]
HENCHMAN: Very neatly done, Nikko. Take him away.
BUTLER: But sir, Mr. Goodrich phoned. The detectives are on the way.
WOMAN: Detectives! That’s not good.
HENCHMAN: Don’t worry, my sweet. They won’t stay long. [opens his jacket pocket and shows a gun]
BUTLER: [takes out a knife] Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha.
WOMAN: [shows a bottle of toxic pills] Sleeping pills. The permanent kind.
BUTLER: Oh!
HENCHMAN: Hahahah.
[The scene transitions to a new scene at the front door. We hear the doorbell ring and the butler opens it. But before the butler can open the door all the way, Moe pushes his way through causing the door to hit the butler.]
[The stooges enter. Moe is holding a suitcase and Shemp is holding a big camera]
MOE: [grabs the butler] Stand where you are! We’re detectives. What’s going on around here? [to Moe and Shemp] Search the suspect.
BUTLER: Suspect!
MOE: A butler’s always a suspect.
SHEMP: [gets ready to take a picture] Hold it for a still. [Moe and Larry pose next to the butler] Good! Think he moved. Wait a minute.
[Moe and Larry search the butler]
MOE: What did you find?
LARRY: Only this. [shows a watch]
MOE: Why you! [hits Larry with the watch breaking it]
LARRY: Oh!
SHEMP: Hold it! [takes a picture]
MOE: You’re watch. [gives the butler back the watch]
BUTLER: [opens the door to the other room] Would you step in here please?
[The stooges enter the room]
MOE: Boy! What a creepy looking joint.
BUTLER: Swell place for a murder.
MOE: [pushes Shemp] Cut that out!
LARRY: Yeah, don’t talk like that.
MOE: Nothing’s gonna happen. Absolutely nothing! [hits Shemp on the head with the magnifying glass]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: [to Larry] Come on
SHEMP: [to himself] He’s right. What could happen? I guess I’m just the nervous type, I guess. Hehehehehe. [Carry’s his camera and walks away. The goon comes out from the door behind Goodrich’s desk and tries to grab Shemp, but Shemp walks away before he can grab him]
[The woman walks in]
WOMAN: Hello!
MOE: Oh!
STOOGES: Hello!
MOE: We’re detectives. Mr. Goodrich sent for us.
WOMAN: Oh? I’m his niece.
SHEMP: The niece is nice.
MOE: [grabs Shemp] Hold on! We’re here on business.
SHEMP: I mean business. Oh!
MOE: [grabs Shemp] Wait a minute! Why you! [gets ready to punch Shemp]
SHEMP: Hold it! [takes out a pair of glasses] You know what this means. You can’t give it the----
[Shemp puts on the glass and Moe still hits him in the face. We hear a crashing sound]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! The glass. Mmm. I’m framed. [sticks his fingers through the frames of the glasses]
WOMAN: I’m afraid something dreadful has happened. Uncle has disappeared.
MOE: No!
WOMAN: He was sitting right over there. [points off-camera] Then suddenly, I heard a SCREAM!
STOOGES: Nyah! [The stooges grab each other]
SHEMP: [to Larry] Hey! Let go of me will ya.
WOMAN: Then, he was gone.
MOE: Well don’t worry. We’ll take care of everything. We’ll find fingerprints. Get the camera ready. [to Larry] Come on, eagle!
[Moe and Larry approach Larry’s desk and Moe kicks him in the rear]
MOE: Get busy!
LARRY: Oh!
[Larry opens a drawer and he hits Moe’s face by accident]
LARRY: What’s the matter?
MOE: Nothing! I— get that letter. [points to the open drawer]
LARRY: Which one? [sticks his hand in the drawer]
MOE: [closes the drawer on Larry’s hand] That one!
LARRY: Ah ah! Oh oh oh!
MOE: Go on over and look for fingerprints.
SHEMP: [cleaning the lens of the camera] Oh look at that. He’s got that pollen about the dreadnought. But I’ll fix that. Stop down a quarter of a mile. That’s about right.
[The camera squirts water in Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: Somebody left some hypo in there.
MOE: [examining the desk with the magnifying glass] Oh, highly polished mahogany!
[Larry is right beside the desk and Moe accidentally looks at Larry’s hair through the magnifying glass.]
MOE: And termites! [Larry looks up at the magnifying glass] With big blue eyes. I--- [takes the magnifying glass away and sees that it’s Larry. He hits Larry with the magnifying glass] Get outta here.
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: [looks at the desk with the magnifying glass] Fingerprints! [yells to Shemp] Ready with the camera!
SHEMP: Right! Ready with the camera, coming right up. [brings the camera over to the desk.]
[Shemp looks through the camera]
SHEMP: Smile!
[Larry smiles]
MOE: Cut it out! [bonks Larry’s forehead]
[Shemp gets ready to take a picture of the fingerprints but he aims the camera at then woman instead because he finds her attractive]
MOE: The fingerprints. [hits Shemp]
SHEMP: Oh!
[Shemp still aims the camera at the woman]
MOE: Tend to business. [kicks Shemp’s rear]
SHEMP: Oh!
[Shemp still insists on aiming the camera at the woman. So Moe grabs the camera, he looks through the lens at the opposite end. Shemp gets scared]
SHEMP: No! Moe! Larry! Help! There was an ugly looking thing staring right at me. It was horrible. What do you know? [to Moe] It was you. Hahahaha.
MOE: Hahahaha. You imbecile, we’re getting no place fast. [grabs a tray at the desk and hits Shemp in the head with it]
SHEMP: Oh!
WOMAN: May I make a suggestion?
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: Sure.
WOMAN: Why not separate and search the place?
MOE: What an idea!
LARRY: Brilliant.
SHEMP: Why certainly.
WOMAN: One of you come with me.
[The stooges fight over who gets to go with the woman]
SHEMP: Yes.
MOE: Come here.
LARRY: Wait a minute. I heard what the lady said.
MOE: Come on! [pulls Larry’s head]
[The woman signals to Shemp and Shemp approaches her]
SHEMP: Leave us leave my sweet. [Moe kicks Shemp’s rear] Oh! Don’t you raise your hand to me.
[Shemp and the woman leave]
WOMAN: [to Moe and Larry] Now don’t you go get yourselves murdered.
MOE: Oh, don’t worry about us---
LARRY: Murder!!! [grabs Moe]
MOE: Nyahh!! Turn me loose. Like I told Shemp, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Not a thing.
LARRY: Of course not!
MOE: And spread out.
[The goon comes out from the door behind Goodrich’s desk and tries to grab Moe and Larry from behind. Moe grabs the camera and puts it over his shoulder hitting the goon. Moe and Larry walk away without ever seeing the goon]
[The camera cuts to another room where we see Shemp and the woman enter]
SHEMP: Ok, I’m raring to go!
WOMAN: Before we start, let’s have a little drink!
SHEMP: Heep. Heep. Oh boy, that’s for me.
WOMAN: Now don’t go away!
SHEMP: Oh, I won’t.
[The woman walks over to the table and makes a drink for herself and Shemp. Shemp is standing against the wall in front of a picture. All of a sudden the picture tilts and makes a squeaking noise. Shemp hears something, turns around, and the picture quickly goes back to the way it was. Shemp admires the picture. His back is turned away from the woman.]
SHEMP: Hmm. Nice picture!
WOMAN: Yes, isn’t it? [takes out the bottle of toxic pills]
[As soon as the woman attempts to drop the pill in Shemp’s drink, Shemp turns around. She quickly hides her hand]
SHEMP: So natural it looked like the trees moved. [sits next to the woman] Hehehehe. Yes sir. I sure enjoy good pictures.
WOMAN: Well then, I’m sure you like that one. [points to Shemp’s side of the room.]
[Shemp turns his head to his right and the woman drops the pill in Shemp’s drink. Shemp hears something]
SHEMP: Oh yes, nice! Very nice. But you know, uh, I like that one much better. [points to the woman’s side of the room]
[The woman turns her head to her left and Shemp switches the two glasses so the woman ends up getting the poisonous drink]
WOMAN: Oh you do, do you? It’s by a very famous painter. The same one who painted that one. [points to Shemp’s side of the room.]
[Shemp turns his head to his right and the woman pretends to switch the two glasses. So, the woman still has the poisonous drink. But Shemp thinks she really switched them]
SHEMP: Oh charming, charming. But my favorite is that one! [points to the woman’s side of the room]
[The woman turns her head to her left and Shemp switches the two glasses so the he ends up getting the poisonous drink without knowing it]
WOMAN: It is lovely!
SHEMP: Yes, it is lovely!
[Shemp and the woman pick up their glasses]
WOMAN: Hahahaha. Well, cheerio!
SHEMP: A couple of pip pips. A little barbecue and what have you!
SHEMP AND THE WOMAN: Hahaha
WOMAN: A short life and a merry one.
SHEMP: You ain’t kidding.
[Shemp and the woman drink]
SHEMP: How do you feel kiddo?
WOMAN: Fine fine! And you?
SHEMP: Oh great! I never felt better in my life. I’ll never forget that--- [starts gasping]
[Shemp starts gasping for air and does his ‘heep heep.’ He gets up still gasping, he falls on the floor and starts spinning around. He continuously gasps for air as he’s on the floor. Moe and Larry run into the room and grab Shemp. They pick him up]
MOE: Take it easy, kid. Hey, what happened?
SHEMP: [gasps] The dame tried to poison me.[The stooges look at the couch where Shemp and the woman were sitting and she’s not there anymore.] She’s gone.
MOE: Hey, a secret panel. There must be a secret panel. [to Shemp] You take that wall.
SHEMP: Where to?
MOE: Go ahead! [pushes Shemp]
MOE: [to Larry] You look back there
[Moe approaches a wall that has two pictures hanging on it. He knocks on it to find a secret panel.]
MOE: Hmm!
[Moe finally sees some switch sticking out of the wall. He pulls it and the picture above him hits him]
MOE: Ow! Ow! Ow! Hmmmm. Hmm.
[He pulls it again and nothing hits him]
MOE: Nyahahahahaha. [The picture hits him] Oh oh! Shemp! Larry! Shemp! Oh.
[Larry and Shemp come up to Moe]
LARRY: What’s the matter?
MOE: Something hit me in the head?
LARRY: What?
MOE: I don’t know. [Larry and Shemp look at each other as if Moe is crazy] Oh you think I’m goofy.
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: Well, I’ll show ya! [to Larry] Get over there. [to Shemp] You get over here.
[Moe positions Larry and Shemp below the two pictures. Larry is below one picture and Shemp is below the other picture]
MOE: [to Larry] Move that gadget. I’ll tell ya when.
[Shemp steps forward away from the picture above him and Moe stands below it]
MOE: When! [Larry pulls the switch on the wall and the picture above him hits him] Ow ow ow oh!
LARRY: What’s the matter?
MOE: Something hit me on the head again. That picture! [points to the picture above him]
SHEMP: You’re crazy! How can a picture hit ya?
MOE: Oh! He asked me how could it hit me. [to Shemp] Come here. Right there. [to Larry] You’re right there.
[Moe positions Larry and Shemp again below the two pictures. Larry is below one picture and Shemp is below the other picture]
[Moe runs to the other side of the room against a wall that has another picture hanging on it. Moe stand below it]
MOE: [to Larry] Go ahead move it!
[Larry moves the switch and the pictures hit Larry and Shemp]
LARRY: Oh!
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: That’s how! Hahahaha! [The picture above Moe hits him as well] Oh! Hmm. Why you! [pulls the picture and sees a creepy man looking through a hole] Ohhhh! Let’s get outta here.
[The stooges run out of the room and they see the henchman running after them]
STOOGES: Nyah!!
[The stooges quickly run into Goodrich’s room]
LARRY: Hey! Who was that guy?
MOE: I don’t know but he don’t like us.
SHEMP: You know, a guy could get killed around here.
LARRY: Yeah, let’s scram.
MOE: Wait a minute. We’re private detectives ain’t we?
SHEMP AND LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: In the movies, does a private eye ever give up.
SHEMP AND LARRY: No.
MOE: But you softies wanna quit like cowards just because ya might get killed.
SHEMP AND LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: That’s a great idea. Let’s go!
LARRY: Hey, the window!
SHEMP: Oh!
[The stooges run towards Goodrich’s desk]
SHEMP: [sees the phone on the desk] Hey, the phone. Let’s call the cops.
MOE: [picks up the phone] Help! Help! [hangs up phone] It’s dead! We’re in a tough spot, men.
LARRY: Yeah, it’s gonna take brains to get us outta here.
MOE: That’s why I said we’re in a tough spot.
[The goon enters from the door behind Goodrich’s desk. He stands behind the stooges. They don’t see him. Shemp turns around and sees him]
SHEMP: Eep! Heep heep heep heep heep!
MOE: Shut up! This is no time for singing.
LARRY: [turns around and sees the goon] Ahhhhh! [grabs Moe’s arm in fear]
MOE: Let go of my arm! [bonks Larry head]
[The goon bonks Moe’s head]
MOE: [turns to Shemp] Why you! [slaps Shemp]
[The goon slaps Moe]
MOE: [turns to Larry] What’s the matter with you? [slaps Larry]
[The goon slaps Moe]
MOE: Why you! [turns around and sees the goon] Ahhhh! [The goon grabs Moe and Larry]
[The henchman is listening at the door]
MOE: Ahh! Ahhh!
[Shemp takes a vase and knocks the goon out. The stooges run away, they break the door down and escape the room. The door falls on the henchman. The henchman is stuck under the door]
HENCHMAN: Oh! Oh! Wait ‘til I get my hands on you! Give me that gun. Give me that---
[The stooges get up, kick the gun away from the henchman and run away. They all run to different parts of the hallway]
[Moe runs to the corner of the hallway, he stands there and starts panting. Larry starts sneaking through the hallway on the other side of the corner. Moe peaks through the corner. Moe and Larry see each other and get scared. They run away]
MOE AND LARRY: Nyah!!
[Larry stops because he realizes it was Moe]
LARRY: Hey Moe! It’s me. It’s Larry. Moe. Moe. Moe. [The goon comes out from the room behind him. Larry sees a shadow and turns around] Nyahhh! [The goon grabs Larry]
MOE: Larry! Larry, is that you? Larry, say something, you nitwit! Where are you? [The goon lets go of Larry and walks up to Moe] Oh there you are! Hahaha! [grabs the goon thinking it’s Larry, but suddenly realizes it’s the goon] Nyah! [The goon grabs Moe]
[Moe bites the goons hand]
GOON: Oww!
[Moe breaks free and runs. The goon chases after him. Moe runs by Shemp]
SHEMP: Hey Moe! Where are ya going? [The goon passes by and Shemp stops him] He got away from you, didn’t he? [realizes it’s the goon] Whoa! Whoa! Whoaa! [runs away]
[Shemp runs by Larry]
SHEMP: [to Larry] That thing! The goon! He’s coming.
[The goon passes by Larry]
LARRY: [stops the goon] Hey! What’d he say? [realizes it’s the goon] Yaaah! Ahhh! Ehh!
[Moe runs into a room and barricades the door. The goon tries to open the door, but can’t, so he gives up and goes away. Moe approaches the door and pushes his way in]
MOE: Larry!
[Larry grabs a small shovel and hits Moe on the head as he’s pushing his way in. Moe falls on the floor. Larry suddenly realizes it’s Moe]
LARRY: Oh! Moe! Come here. I’m sorry. I thought you was the goon. Saying something. Say something.
MOE: Numbskull!! [Hits Larry in the head with both of his fists]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Don’t ya know. You’ve been around me many years. Don’t ya know what I look like?
LARRY: I’m sorry.
MOE: [grabs Larry’s hair] Eyes on the head here!! You’re nothing but a nitwit.
[The goon walks in and sneaks up behind Moe and Larry]
LARRY: Oh thank you!
[The goon grabs Moe and Larry’s hair]
MOE: Thank you ow!!
LARRY: Let go. Ow!
MOE AND LARRY: Ow!
[The goon bumps Moe and Larry’s head together]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh! [The goon bonks their heads again] Oh! [The goon bonks their heads again] Oh!
[Shemp walks in, takes a shovel and he hits the goon with the shovel four times as he still bonks Moe and Larry’s head together. The goon finally gets knocked out and falls on the floor.]
SHEMP: I guess that takes care of handsome Harold.
MOE: Boy! You’re a genius.
LARRY: Nice work kid.
SHEMP: Oh it’s nothing. It’s nothing at all. Hahaha. [walks over to the other side of the room] I’ll never forget the first time I saved a couple of guys. It was in a pool room. Hahaha. I guy walks in, he says ‘stick em up.’ I says ‘nothing scares me.’
[A door behind Shemp slides open and Goodrich is standing there stiff. He leans on Shemp.]
SHEMP: Will ya cut it out. Cut it out. [pushes Goodrich away]
SHEMP: He says ‘yeah’ and I says ‘yeah’ right back at him, I give him the--- [Goodrich leans on Shemp again]
SHEMP: What’s the matter with you? I’m tired. Will you go and--- [turns around and sees Goodrich] Ah!! [runs up to Moe and points off-camera to Goodrich] Moe! Larry! A corpus! A corpus!
MOE: It’s Old Man Goodrich!
[Goodrich falls on the floor]
STOOGES: Nyahh!
[The stooges run outside and when they get to the hallway, they run into the henchman, the butler and the woman. The henchman takes out a gun and takes a shot, but misses.]
STOOGES: Oh! Nyah!!
[The stooges quickly run back into the room and lock the door.]
SHEMP: Moe! Larry! Look!
[Goodrich is slowly getting up]
MOE: He’s alive. Come on!
[The stooges run up to Goodrich and help him up]
SHEMP: Take it easy, Mr. Goodrich! Everything’s under control.
MOE: Yeah!
GOODRICH: You’re the detectives?
MOE: Yeah!
GOODRICH: Thank goodness.
MOE: What happened? Who snatched you?
GOODRICH: The Phantom gang. They tortured me to get my money.
MOE: The rats.
GOODRICH: I’m a lover of fine music. They tied me up and made me listen to singing commercials.
STOOGES: Oh!!
GOODRICH: I thought I’d go mad. Mad! [starts crying]
MOE: Ok, oh! There. Ok. [Moe hugs Goodrich and taps Shemp in the face by accident. Then Larry accidentally taps Moe’s face] Ahhh! Get away!
GOODRICH: It was horrible. [continues crying]
[The goon wakes up and lets the henchman, butler and the woman inside]
HENCHMAN: [with a gun in his hand] There they are! Now get ‘em.
[The henchman goes after Moe but Moe grabs his arms and he shoots the ceiling]
[Shemp hits the henchman in the head with the shovel. The butler is holding a knife to Goodrich.]
MOE: Hey! Hey!
[Moe grabs the butler’s hand and Shemp hits the butler in the head with the shovel.]
MOE: Good work kid. Good work.
MOE AND SHEMP: Hahahahaha. [The goon gets up and bonks them both on the head] Oh!
HENCHMAN: [holding a gun] Stay where ya are! You’re all covered.
[Goodrich shuts off the lights]
HENCHMAN: Who put out the lights? [shoots everywhere in the dark]
[The butler lights a match, he looks around and a shovel hits him]
[Goodrich lights a match]
GOODRICH: My furniture! Be careful! [glass falls on his head]
[Moe lights a match]
MOE: Where are you? [a small object gets thrown in his eye] Oh!
[Shemp lights a match]
SHEMP: Here I am Moe! [turns around and sees the goon] Whoa! Whoa!
[Larry lights a match]
LARRY: Shemp! Are you ok? [two fists come from off-camera and they punch him in the face]
[The butler and goon accidentally hit each other with glass and they get knocked out]
[Good rich turns on the lights. The crooks are all knocked out. The stooges are on top of each other on the floor and Larry is punching Moe’s face thinking he’s a crook]
MOE: [as Larry punches him] Ow! Ow! Ow!
GOODRICH: It’s all over boys! You can get up now. You beat ‘em up. Haha. It’s wonderful, wonderful. [to Shemp] Tell me, uh. How did you do it?
SHEMP: [holding up his shovel] I did it with my little shovel.
GOODRICH: Oh!
SHEMP: One of ‘em was coming at me. [brings his shovel back and hits Moe behind him knocking him out]
SHEMP: I let him have it. [Turns towards Larry.] Another one kept at me from this side. [brings his shovel back and knocks out Goodrich who’s behind him. He swings his shovel forward knocking Larry out as well.] Wang! Wang! I let him have it. [starts swinging his shovel] I started to swing left and right. Five of them started to come at me. Did that stop me? No. Wang! I--- [takes a swing, spins around and sees nobody around him]
SHEMP: Hey! Hey, where did everybody go? [looks on the floor and sees Moe, Larry and Goodrich on the floor knocked out]
SHEMP: [gasps] Moe! Larry! Wait for me!
[Shemp hits his own head with the shovel twice. He gets knocked out and falls on the floor. The scene ends.]
--THE END--
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