Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-08-02
[The short opens up at Big Mike’s office. We see Mike’s partner flipping a coin while he’s chewing bubble gum. Big Mike is dialing a number on the telephone]
VOICE ON PHONE: Hello!
BIG MIKE: Hi Greeny! This is Big Mike. Look, I want you to bet ten grand on Gorilla Watson for me on the big fight with Chopper Kane. Yeah, but I can’t get any aisles on Chopper Kane. So, spread ten geez on Gorilla Watson for me like I told ya and relax. I own Chopper Kane and he’ll lose. That’s for positive. I’m expecting the Chopper’s handlers here any second now…Yeah. Ok, so long. [hangs up phone]
[The stooges knock on the door while Big Mike lights his cigar.]
BIG MIKE: Come in!
[The stooges enter]
LARRY: Hi ya boss!
SHEMP: Nice to see ya.
LARRY: [sees the cigar] Say that smells good. Got an extra cigar?
BIG MIKE: Sure fellas! Have a cigar. [Opens the box of cigars on his desk]
MOE: Gee! Thanks.
LARRY: You’re swell.
[The stooges stick their hands inside the box, but Big Mike closes it on their fingers.]
STOOGES: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
BIG MIKE: They’re too rich for your blood. Sit down!! [The stooges sit] How ya coming with the Chopper’s training?
MOE: Swell, chief. He’ll murder Gorilla Watson in two rounds.
LARRY: Yeah, he’ll fablunge him. Haha. [Moe eyepokes Larry] Oh!
MOE: Quiet.
SHEMP: [taps Moe] Let him alone! [Moe eyepokes Shemp]
MOE: Get out!
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: You watch what ya doing.
BIG MIKE: [winks at the guy who was flipping the coin] Fine! Fine fellas. Keep the Chopper real sharp. I’m bettin’ plenty. Say, come on. Have a cigar boys.
MOE AND SHEMP: No. No.
LARRY: No thanks. My fingers are sore from the last one.
[The stooges say this simultaneously]
BIG MIKE: Come on. Come on. Have one. [takes the box of cigars and opens it] I was only kidding.
STOOGES: Ok. [The stooges each grab a cigar]
BIG MIKE: Smoke up.
MOE: Oh boy,
LARRY: You’re swell boss.
[The stooges light up and Moe’s cigar explodes]
BIG MIKE: Ahahahahahaha. Ohahahahaha.
[Shemp quickly puts his lit cigar on Big Mike’s desk. Since Big Mike is too busy laughing, he doesn’t see Shemp’s cigar. As he is laughing, he puts his own cigar on the desk, right next to Shemp’s]
[Larry’s cigar blows up as well.]
BIG MIKE: Ahahahahaha. [grabs Shemp’s cigar on the desk by accident] Ohahahahaha.
[Big Mike starts smoking Shemp’s cigar thinking it’s his and it blows up in his face]
STOOGES: Hahahahahaha.
BIG MIKE: Wise guys!!!
MOE AND LARRY: Ahh!
SHEMP: Whoa! Whoa!
[The stooges say this simultaneously]
[The stooges get scared and run out of the office. The scene ends]
[A new scene begins outside of a gym. The sign outside says: “Slap-Happy Gym- Training Quarters For Chopper Kane.”]
[The scene transitions to the inside of the gym where we see the stooges training the Chopper]
[Chopper and the Stooges walk over to the boxing dummy. Chopper punches the dummy backwards, but it bounces back forward and bumps into Shemp]
SHEMP: OH! Oh, cop a sneaker, eh?!
[Shemp punches the boxing dummy to the right and it hits Moe in the face]
MOE: OOH!
[Moe punches the dummy to the left, hitting Larry in the face]
LARRY: OOH!
[The dummy bounces back to Moe, hitting him. Moe punches the dummy back to Shemp, but it misses his face]
SHEMP: Missed me! [sticks out his tongue]
[The dummy hits Shemp, knocking him down to the ground]
MOE: [pushing the dummy at Larry] Why, you!
[The dummy hits Larry]
LARRY: OOH!
[The dummy bounces back to Moe and hits him]
MOE: OOH!
SHEMP: [getting up] Wait a minute. I’ll take a short count.
CHOPPER: [patting the dummy] The winner and still world’s champeen, Oscar the dummy! Ha, ha, ha! I’m beginnin’ to enjoy this workout. I even feel like a few rounds of boxin’.
MOE: That’s swell, but we ain’t got no sparrin’ partner.
[The Stooges and Chopper look down at the ground. Then Moe, Larry, and Chopper look up over at Shemp]
SHEMP: No! No! Not me, fellas! Besides, I bruise easy.
CHOPPER: Aw, don’t be a baby! It’s all in fun.
SHEMP: I hate fun!
[Moe and Larry grab Shemp and walk a short distance away from Chopper]
SHEMP: What are you, surrounding me, fellas?!
MOE: No, you gotta do it! Think of the dough.
SHEMP: I’d rather think of my health!
LARRY: [handing Moe a helmet] Here.
MOE: Yeah, we’re gonna put this on your head.
SHEMP: Thanks.
LARRY: We don’t want The Chopper to hurt his hand!
SHEMP: [walking away] OHHH!
MOE AND LARRY: [grabbing Shemp back] Wait!
MOE: Don’t be a coward. You’ll spar a little with The Chopper and exchange some love taps.
SHEMP: Taps?
LARRY: Yeah, taps. [begins tap dancing]
MOE: [hitting Larry with the helmet] Quiet!
LARRY: OOH!
[Moe puts the helmet on Shemp, covering his eyes]
MOE: C’mon.
SHEMP: Wait a minute. Where did everybody go?!
LARRY: [leading Shemp to the ring by the arm] This way.
[Shemp accidentally bumps into a ring post]
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: Get in there.
[Shemp walks the wrong way]
MOE: [yanking Shemp’s helmet up so he can see] C’mon! C’mon! [pushes Shemp to the ring ropes]
SHEMP: Alright, don’t shove me.
[Shemp begins climbing up the ring ropes, but gets his feet tangled in the ropes and falls down]
[Cut to Chopper laughing to himself as he watches]
[Cut back to Shemp, with his head now stuck in between the ropes]
SHEMP: Moe! Larry! Help!!
[Moe and Larry walk over to Shemp]
SHEMP: Ngoo!!
MOE: Wait a minute! Gimme your foot.
[Moe and Larry grab Shemp by the legs and pull a few times]
MOE: C’mon, here!
LARRY: C’mon!
[Shemp head finally gets freed from the ropes and he goes crashing into the ring]
MOE: [helping Shemp] You dumb ox, you!
SHEMP: [staggering around] Ohh! Now I know how a gopher feels!
MOE: [handing Shemp boxing gloves] Get these gloves on.
[We hear a door opening in the background]
LARRY: [pointing off-camera] Hey, there’s Kitty!
[Cut to a woman entering the gym]
LARRY: [running up to Kitty] Kitty! Hiya, baby. You’re just in time to see The Chopper do his stuff.
[They walk over to Chopper, who’s standing in the ring]
LARRY: Kitty, I want you to meet Chopper Kane, the next heavyweight champion.
CHOPPER: [looking at Kitty] Oh, I’m meetin’ a champeen right now!
KITTY: Why, you say the sweetest things!
CHOPPER: Oh, sugar, you’re just about to see little ol’ Chopper go into action.
KITTY: Oh, I just love to see a good fight.
CHOPPER: Well, you stick around here. I’ll murder that guy for ya!
[Larry winces as he hears this]
CHOPPER: [to Larry] Get the victim ready for the slaughter.
LARRY: [climbing in the ring to Chopper] Wait a minute, Chopper. Remember -- love taps.
CHOPPER: Get him ready!
[Chopper punches Larry in the nose, pushing him off- camera]
CHOPPER: [to Kitty] This won’t take long.
[Cut to Larry walking over to Moe and Shemp; Moe is lacing the glove on Shemp’s left hand]
LARRY: Mmm! Get a load of that Chopper!
MOE: Lace that glove!
[Larry begins lacing the glove on Shemp’s right hand as Moe looks at Chopper and Kitty]
MOE: Yeah, our Chopper’s a bit of a wolf.
LARRY: Yeah, if he moves around in the ring like he moved in on Kitty, I figure we got a new champion on our hands.
[Larry, not looking at what he’s doing, laces Shemp’s right glove to a ring ropes]
MOE: Is it fixed?
LARRY: He’s fixed, alright!
CHOPPER: [to Kitty] Get over there, baby.
[Shemp’s left hand begins shaking as Moe finishes tying on his left glove]
MOE: What’s the matter, kid- you nervous?
SHEMP: Just my left hand!
MOE: Ah, take it easy! With a dame around, The Chopper will box like a perfect gentleman.
LARRY: Now, when I ring the bell, you come out fightin’.
MOE: Any blood -- ignore it!
[Moe and Larry climb out of the ring]
SHEMP: Where ya going, fellas???
[Larry rings the bell. Shemp tries to step forward, but realizes his right hand is tied to the ring ropes. He struggles to get his hand out of his glove. Chopper runs up to Shemp and they begin boxing, with Shemp only using his left hand. Chopper punches Shemp around a few times]
SHEMP: O! Oh! Oh!
[Chopper punches Shemp in the face repeatedly, making a loud bouncing noise with his glove]
[Cut to Moe and Larry]
LARRY: Look at that Chopper go. Wow!
MOE: [reaches in his pocket and gives Larry money] Fit this roll on the Chopper to win by a knockout and hurry up before they cut the odds down.
[Larry leaves]
[Cut back to Chopper and Shemp. Chopper turns around and waves to Kitty. Shemp pulls his right arm too hard, pulling his hand out of the glove and causing him to accidentally punch Chopper in the face. Chopper dazedly staggers around, then falls to the ground]
[Cut to Moe]
MOE: Oh! [screams] Larry! Wait a minute! Oh ho! He’s gone. [crying]
[Cut back to Chopper and Shemp]
SHEMP: I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it!
[Chopper looks up at Shemp angrily]
SHEMP: My hand slipped! Love taps! Love taps! [begins doing his shadow-boxing dance]
[Chopper punches Shemp in the face, then in the stomach. Shemp blocks his stomach with his hand afterwards, so Chopper then punches him in the face. Shemp blocks his face with his hand, then Chopper punches him in the stomach. This goes on and on until Shemp blocks both his face and stomach, followed by Chopper knocking Shemp off- camera]
[Cut to Shemp doing a headstand against a ring post]
MOE: That a boy Chopper! That’s my baby.
[Chopper waves his hands at Kitty, then goes back over to Shemp, who is getting up from the ground]
LARRY: [runs up to Moe] Five to won on the K.O.
MOE: Oh boy! We’re gonna be rich!
LARRY: Rich! Ya haha!
MOE: Boy! We’re gonna be rich.
[Larry and Moe jump up and down. Moe kisses Larry in the face. Larry then kisses Moe back]
MOE: Hey! Don’t get so familiar. [slaps Larry]
SHEMP: Alright. Watch this one! [punches Chopper] Just watch this one! [punches Chopper again]
[Cut to Moe and Larry as we hear more punches in the background]
MOE: What going on here? There goes Shemp with a left jab! [pause] There goes Shemp with a right cross! [pause] There goes Shemp with a haymaker! [a loud punch is head off-camera, followed by a splashing sound] There goes Shemp! Hahaha.
[Cut to Shemp laying across the ring ropes upside-down, with his head stuck in a bucket of water. Moe and Larry run up to him]
MOE: What’s the matter with you?!
[Moe and Larry help Shemp up]
MOE: Easy, boy!
LARRY: Alright, get him up!
MOE: Up ya go! Up! What’s the matta with ya?!
[Moe and Larry yank Shemp around back and forth while trying to take the bucket off his head]
MOE: Wait a minute! I’ll get it off.
LARRY: Take it easy. I know how to do it!
MOE: Take your hands off!
LARRY: Come here! I got a system!
MOE: Let me have it!
LARRY: Now, wait a minute!
MOE: Thatta boy! Here ya go!
LARRY: Wait a minute!
[Moe and Larry finally get the bucket off of Shemp’s head. A dazed Shemp falls the ground afterwards, but Moe and Larry help him back up]
MOE: Take it easy, kid. Take it easy! Easy, kid!
SHEMP: [extending his arms] Let me at him! Let me at him!
[Big Mike and his partner enter the gym]
BIG MIKE: Hey boys! Come here.
[The stooges walk up to Big Mike]
LARRY: Hi.
MOE: Hi ya boss. We just made a terrific bet on the Chopper to win the fight. We bet every cent we got.
LARRY: Yeah and every dollar too.
BIG MIKE: That’s too bad cuz Chopper has to lose to the Gorilla.
MOE AND LARRY: [smiling] Yes, the Chopper has to lose. [Moe and Larry suddenly get a shocked look on their faces.] No!!!
BIG MIKE: Do as your told or you’ll wind up in cement camonas.
[Big Mike and his partner walk out the door]
MOE: Oh wait a minute boss! Listen, our whole bankroll---
[Moe stick his arm on the doorway and Big Mike closes the door on Moe’s arm]
MOE: Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Boss! Take it easy. Oh! Oh! [gets his arm free] I think I broke my eyepoking fingers.
LARRY: Good, now you can’t poke us in the eye. [Moe eyepokes Larry] Ohh!! I had to open my big mouth.
MOE: Now listen, we gotta decondition the Chopper. Soften him up, so he’ll lose.
LARRY: Yeah, it’s better we lose our dough than our lives.
[Shemp tries to pull his boxing glove off. Finally when he pulls it out, he accidentally his Larry’s head with it. Larry ends up bonking heads with Moe]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
LARRY: [to Shemp] You imbecile!
MOE: [pulls Larry’s hair and says to him] Wait a minute. I said we got to decondition the Chopper. So, come on. [Moe pulls Larry and Shemp by the hair and they walk away.]
[The scene ends. A new scene begins where we see the stooges serving Chopper and Kitty some breakfast]
MOE: The Chopper is getting right in the condition we want him.
SHEMP: [holding the plate of cream puffs to Chopper] Here, have some cream puffs.
MOE: They’ll build you up!
CHOPPER: It’s my favorite fruit! Ha, ha! [takes a cream puff]
LARRY: Take some more. We got a lot of them.
[The Stooges give Chopper more cream puffs]
KITTY: But baby doll, if you eat too much of that stuff, you won’t be in shape to knock out Gorilla Watson.
CHOPPER: Aw, honey, the way I feel now, I don’t wanna hurt nobody.
[The Stooges wink at each other, then walk off-camera]
CHOPPER: Honey baby, after lunch, will you read me another poem about love?
[Cut to the Stooges watching Chopper and Kitty]
LARRY: My idea’s workin’ out swell. Look at him. He’s so goofy you could knock him down with a handful of peanuts -- without the shells!
MOE: Yeah, the way he’s packin’ it in, The Gorilla will knock him stiff in the first round.
SHEMP: He’s sure makin’ a pig of himself! [begins gobbling down a cake]
MOE: Look who’s talkin’! [throws a pie in Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: Mmph!
MOE: [taking Shemp’s cake] Gimme that cake! [eats the cake]
SHEMP: [licking the cream on his face] Mmm! If I only had some coffee!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see a sign that reads “MAJESTIC FIGHT ARENA”]
[The scene transitions to the Stooges outside of the arena.]
LARRY: [to Moe] It’s getting’ late. I wonder what’s keepin’ The Chopper.
[Shemp looks at his watch, then holds it to his ears]
MOE: What does your watch say?
SHEMP: Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick!
MOE: [punching Shemp in the stomach] C’mon!
SHEMP: Oh!
[Moe plunks Shemp in the nose]
SHEMP: Ooh!
LARRY: Listen, he oughta be here by now. We gotta get him ready for the fight!
MOE: Don’t worry about getting The Chopper ready for the fight. Worry about carryin’ him out afterwards!
[Suddenly, an angry Chopper comes storming by]
CHOPPER: Let me at him! Where’s that Gorilla Watson?! I’ll tear him apart!
MOE: [grabbing Chopper] Chopper, Chopper, Chopper, Chopper! What happened?
CHOPPER: What happened?! Me and Kitty had a big beef – that’s what happened! She threw me over for that big gorilla! Ooh, I’ll murder him!
MOE: Now, now, now – don’t be hasty!
SHEMP: [holding a cream puff] Here, have a cream puff!
CHOPPER: [shoving the cream puff in Shemp’s face] I don’t want no cream puff! Ooh, I’m mad! [to Moe] Oh, wait’ll I get him in the ring! I’m gonna smash him! I’ll smash him like... [notices a garbage can] like this -- [punches a hole in the garbage can, then walks inside the arena]
[Moe looks at the hole in the garbage can, then looks off-screen at Shemp in shock]
[Moe walks up to Shemp, who has cream puff all over his face]
SHEMP: How do you like that guy?! Busted a perfectly good cream puff!
MOE: You lamebrain! We’re gonna be rubbed out after the fight, and you’re worried about a cream puff! [grabbing the cream puff out of Shemp’s hand] Why, you!
[Moe throws the cream puff at Shemp and Larry, but they duck and it flies off-camera]
[Cut to Gorilla Watson and his manager walking nearby. The cream puff hits Gorilla in his face]
[The Stooges twitch in shock]
MANAGER: [trying to hold Gorilla back] Gorilla, don’t lose your temper, when you got fightin’ to do in the ring!
[Gorilla angrily walks over to Moe and pushes him against the brick wall]
GORILLA: Why, you little punk! [aims a punch at Moe]
[Moe ducks, causing Gorilla to punch the wall instead]
GORILLA: [holding his hand in pain] Ooh! My hand! Ooh!
MANAGER: [looking at Gorilla’s hand] Ohhh, my gosh -- it''s busted! [opening the door to the arena] Come in, quick, we gotta call this fight off! [to Moe] This is your fault!
[Gorilla and his manager walk in the arena]
MOE: Oh ha ha ha.
LARRY: Hahahahaha. That did it. That did it. What a lucky break! With the fight called off, we don’t lose our dough.
SHEMP: Hot pigidy dog!
LARRY AND SHEMP: Hahaha.
[Big Mike, his partner and a henchman walk out of the arena and stand right behind the stooges. Moe is now smoking a cigar]
MOE: Would I like to get a look at Big Mike’s face when he finds out about this.
BIG MIKE: Oh you would? Would you!
MOE: [turns around] I certainly would. Why don’t you mind your own business? [to Larry and Shemp] How do you like a guy butts in when y--- [just realizes it’s Big Mike and he swallows his cigar by accident.]
[Moe starts coughing]
BIG MIKE: You figured a nice way out for yourself making the Gorilla break his hand. But you knocked me out of a chance to make ten grand.
SHEMP: Now listen chief.
LARRY: We can explain.
BIG MIKE: Shut up!!! [triple slaps the stooges]
STOOGES: Oh!!
BIG MIKE: Alright boys. [two other henchmen approach the stooges] Come and take ‘em for a nice long ride. One way
[The stooges are surrounded]
STOOGES: Oh no, you don’t!!
[Big Mike, his partner and his three henchmen take punches at the stooges. The stooges duck and Big Mike and the others all hit each other]
[The stooges quickly run over behind a sliding metal door and walk behind it.]
BIG MIKE: Get ‘em!!
[The stooges close the sliding metal door. Big Mike and the others walk up to it, but have no way of getting through the door]
BIG MIKE: Shhh! You fellas go in the door over there. I’ll stay here. Go on.
[Everybody except Big Mike run off-camera]
MOE: [hears silence] I think the coast is clear.
[Moe opens the sliding door and Big Mike sticks his head. Moe quickly slides the door on his head]
BIG MIKE: Oww! Oww! Ow!
[Moe locks the door and Big Mike’s head is now stuck.]
BIG MIKE: Don’t you lock that. Don’t you lock that!! Let me outta here. Let me outta here!!! I can’t move.
MOE: Ohh! The gentleman can’t move. [removes Big Mike’s hat]
SHEMP: Perfect. [Twists Big Mike’s nose]
BIG MIKE: Oooooowwwwwww!
[Shemp plucks out Big Mike’s eyebrow. ]
BIG MIKE: Ow. [Shemp plucks out another eyebrow] Ow! [Shemp plucks out another eyebrow] Ow!
[Moe grabs a can of black paint]
SHEMP: [to Moe] After you!
[Moe bows to Shemp and paints Big Mike’s forehead]
BIG MIKE: Let me outta here! Nowwww!!!
LARRY: Haha! Nice going Moe!
[Moe paints Big Mike’s cheeks and chin]
BIG MIKE: I’ll kill ya! I’ll--- [Moe sticks the paintbrush in Big Mike’s mouth]
MOE: Smoke that for awhile.
LARRY: Good work pal!
MOE: Let us away.
[The other henchmen run towards the stooges from off-camera. The stooges see them]
STOOGES: Nyaaahh!
[The stooges quickly run away]
BIG MIKE: Oh! Somebody let me outta here. [starts crying]
[Cut to an overhead shot of the gangsters chasing the Stooges all throughout a warehouse and bumping into each other along the way]
[Cut to Moe and Moose running on opposite sides of a pile of crates. They both run towards each other and crash into each other, falling down]
MOOSE: Oooh!!
MOE: [running away] Nyaaah!!!
MOOSE: [running after Moe] Oooohh!!
[Cut to Larry being chased around a pile of crates by another henchman. When the henchman stops and peeks over the edge of the crates, Larry sneaks behind him. The henchman then looks behind him]
LARRY: Nyaaahh!!! [runs away]
[Cut to Shemp running up to a pile a crates and crawling next to it. Another henchman walks by on top of the crates. Both Shemp and the henchman pass by each other without even noticing it. Then the henchman jumps down back on the floor and Shemp stands up, then they both turn around and notice each other]
SHEMP: Ohhhh!! [pulls down the henchman’s hat over his eyes, then runs away]
[Moe runs over, sees two bricks and picks them up]
[Cut to Moose and the henchman running into each other and ready to punch each other, then recognizing each other and running away]
[Moe sees Moose headed towards him]
MOE: Nyaaah! [throws the two bricks on top of a pile of crates covered by a blanket, then hides behind the blanket]
[The camera cuts to Larry running away from another crook]
[The camera cuts to the same spot where Moe threw the bricks over. Moose comes takes a seat right in front of the blanket]
[Suddenly, the two bricks on top of the pile of crates fall down and bonk Moose on the head, knocking him out]
[The camera cuts to Larry who is still running away from the crook]
[The camera cuts to Moose who is now knocked out. Moe peeks through a hole in the blanket and sees Moose knocked out, then hides again when he notices someone coming by]
[A henchman comes by and notices Moose]
HENCHMAN: Tired, eh? [sits down next to Moose] So am I. [takes out a napkin and wipes the sweat off of his head]
[Moe reaches a napkin through the hole in the blanket he’s hiding behind and wipes Moose’s head with it, making it look like Moose is conscious and doing it on his own]
HENCHMAN: Hey, Moose.
[Moe moves the back of Moose’s head so Moose faces the henchman]
HENCHMAN: Seen anything of those guys?
[Moe shakes Moose’s head]
HENCHMAN: [looks around for the Stooges, then looks back at Moose] But we’ll get ‘em!
[Moe nods Moose’s head]
HENCHMAN: Wonder which way they went.
[Moe shrugs Moose’s shoulders]
HENCHMAN: You go that way [pointing to the left of the screen], and I’ll go this way [pointing to the right].
[Moe loses grip of the back of Moose’s head, causing Moose to slump over the henchman’s lap]
HENCHMAN: Well, what’s the matter with you?!
[Moe tries to reach over and pull Moose’s head back but reaches the henchman’s nose instead and yanks it]
[The henchman rushes over to behind the blanket to Moe, dropping Moose to the floor. We can hear sounds of them fighting]
HENCHMAN: [off-camera] Take that, will ya!
MOE: [off-camera] Ooh!
HENCHMAN: [off-camera] And that!
[Moose comes back to and sees two figures moving behind the blankets]
MOE: [off-camera] Ooh! Take it easy, now, will ya?!
[Moose grabs a club and whacks it into the two figures behind the blanket]
MOE AND THE HENCHMAN: [off-camera] Oh!
[The henchman comes stumbling out from behind the blanket and Moose, thinking that it is Moe, whacks him on the head with the club, knocking him down to the floor]
MOOSE: [seeing that it’s the henchman] Oh! I’m sorry! I’m sorry. Really, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it! Honest, I... [looks over and see Moe peeking out from behind the blanket] Ohh!
MOE: Aaaah! [runs away]
[Cut to Larry walking behind a pile of crates, carrying a club. Moe walks over to the other side and peeks over the edge. Larry sees Moe and, mistaking him for one of the gangsters, whacks him over the head with the club]
MOE: Oh! [falls down]
LARRY: [running all the way around the crates] Ha, ha! [sees Moe getting up from the floor] Hey, Moe, I just got one of ‘em! He was standing right here where you are.
MOE: Was he a short, fat fella?
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: Dark hair?
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: [pointing to Larry’s club] Did you hit him with that?
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: [snatching away Larry’s club] That was me! [whacks Larry on the head with the club, then pulls him back up by the hair]
[Suddenly, two gangsters come running toward Moe and Larry]
MOE AND LARRY: Nyaaaah!! [running away]
[Cut to another overhead shot of the Stooges running from the gangsters and bumping into each other]
[Cut to Shemp walking up to a garbage can and looking around. The top of the can opens and Larry peeks outside of it. Shemp gets startled when he sees this, then takes and axe and whacks the top of the garbage can with it]
LARRY: Ooh!!
SHEMP: Hahahahaha!
[A different henchman walks over to Shemp]
SHEMP: [to the henchman] I just flattened one of them... Oww!! [runs away]
[A dazed Larry rises out of the garbage can. Moe runs over to him]
MOE: What are ya doin’ in there?! [lifts Larry out of the can, then carries him] C’mon, get out of there!
[Moe and Larry run inside of a steel door, then close it. A second later, Shemp runs up to the door and tries to open it]
SHEMP: [banging on the door] Moe, Larry! Let me in! Let me in! I get lonesome out here.
[The gangsters all walk over to Shemp]
HENCHMAN: Oh, so they’re in there, huh?
SHEMP: No! No no. I was just talking to myself.
HENCHMAN: [to the other gangsters] Get something to batter the door down!
[The gangsters look around, then the henchman looks over at Shemp]
HENCHMAN: Wait a minute! [points to Shemp’s head]
SHEMP: No! No! I gotta soft skull, fella!
[The gangsters all grab Shemp]
SHEMP: Let me go, will ya?! Look out there! Let me go!!
[The gangsters bang Shemp head-first into the door repeatedly]
SHEMP: You’re crushin’ my eyebrows!
[Finally, the door is knocked down. The gangsters drop Shemp to the floor, then rush inside]
[As Shemp comes back to and look up, we can hear a brawl in the room between the gangsters and Moe & Larry. Shemp gets up and notices a box of moth balls. He takes them and spills them all of them over the floor outside of the door. He then stands next to the door and holds an ax]
[One henchman exits the door, grabbing Larry. They begin sliding on the moth balls on the floor and Shemp whacks the henchman on the head with the ax, knocking him down to the floor. Shemp does the same to the second henchman as he exits while grabbing Moe, then to the last henchman as he exits]
[Cut to Larry continuing to slide then, stopping in front of a pile of crates.
SHEMP: [to the unconscious gangsters] That fixed you! [to the ax] Guess we got ‘em pal.
[Moe slides towards Larry and he catches him]
MOE: [looking at the knocked-out gangsters] Oh, boy!
SHEMP: [kisses the ax and throws it up in the air] Oh boy!!
[The ax falls on Shemp’s head knocking him out. Shemp falls on the floor and leans on one of the crates against the wall.]
[Larry runs over to Shemp]
LARRY: [yells to Moe] Hey Moe! Bring a bucket of water here. Quick!
[Moe comes over with a bucket of water. As Moe is getting ready to splash the whole bucket of water on Shemp, Shemp stops leaning and falls down flat on the floor. This causes Moe to splash the water all over the crooks instead.]
GANGSTERS: Ohh! [all of the gangsters are starting to revive]
MOE: Hey! I revived them by mistake. Get him outta here. We’ll get killed. Hurry! Let’s go. Let’s go before they come to.
[Moe and Larry pull on Shemp’s clothes to drag him, but Shemp’s clothes rip off. Shemp is now lying there in his underclothes.]
Moe: [Holding on Shemp’s ripped clothes] Hey! He’s losing weight. I--- [sees Shemp lying in his underclothes] Nyah ah ah!!
[Moe and Larry run over to Shemp]
MOE: Come on kid. We gotta get outta here! Come on! Come on!
[Moe and Larry pick up Shemp and drag him away. The scene ends]
--THE END--
VOICE ON PHONE: Hello!
BIG MIKE: Hi Greeny! This is Big Mike. Look, I want you to bet ten grand on Gorilla Watson for me on the big fight with Chopper Kane. Yeah, but I can’t get any aisles on Chopper Kane. So, spread ten geez on Gorilla Watson for me like I told ya and relax. I own Chopper Kane and he’ll lose. That’s for positive. I’m expecting the Chopper’s handlers here any second now…Yeah. Ok, so long. [hangs up phone]
[The stooges knock on the door while Big Mike lights his cigar.]
BIG MIKE: Come in!
[The stooges enter]
LARRY: Hi ya boss!
SHEMP: Nice to see ya.
LARRY: [sees the cigar] Say that smells good. Got an extra cigar?
BIG MIKE: Sure fellas! Have a cigar. [Opens the box of cigars on his desk]
MOE: Gee! Thanks.
LARRY: You’re swell.
[The stooges stick their hands inside the box, but Big Mike closes it on their fingers.]
STOOGES: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
BIG MIKE: They’re too rich for your blood. Sit down!! [The stooges sit] How ya coming with the Chopper’s training?
MOE: Swell, chief. He’ll murder Gorilla Watson in two rounds.
LARRY: Yeah, he’ll fablunge him. Haha. [Moe eyepokes Larry] Oh!
MOE: Quiet.
SHEMP: [taps Moe] Let him alone! [Moe eyepokes Shemp]
MOE: Get out!
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: You watch what ya doing.
BIG MIKE: [winks at the guy who was flipping the coin] Fine! Fine fellas. Keep the Chopper real sharp. I’m bettin’ plenty. Say, come on. Have a cigar boys.
MOE AND SHEMP: No. No.
LARRY: No thanks. My fingers are sore from the last one.
[The stooges say this simultaneously]
BIG MIKE: Come on. Come on. Have one. [takes the box of cigars and opens it] I was only kidding.
STOOGES: Ok. [The stooges each grab a cigar]
BIG MIKE: Smoke up.
MOE: Oh boy,
LARRY: You’re swell boss.
[The stooges light up and Moe’s cigar explodes]
BIG MIKE: Ahahahahahaha. Ohahahahaha.
[Shemp quickly puts his lit cigar on Big Mike’s desk. Since Big Mike is too busy laughing, he doesn’t see Shemp’s cigar. As he is laughing, he puts his own cigar on the desk, right next to Shemp’s]
[Larry’s cigar blows up as well.]
BIG MIKE: Ahahahahaha. [grabs Shemp’s cigar on the desk by accident] Ohahahahaha.
[Big Mike starts smoking Shemp’s cigar thinking it’s his and it blows up in his face]
STOOGES: Hahahahahaha.
BIG MIKE: Wise guys!!!
MOE AND LARRY: Ahh!
SHEMP: Whoa! Whoa!
[The stooges say this simultaneously]
[The stooges get scared and run out of the office. The scene ends]
[A new scene begins outside of a gym. The sign outside says: “Slap-Happy Gym- Training Quarters For Chopper Kane.”]
[The scene transitions to the inside of the gym where we see the stooges training the Chopper]
[Chopper and the Stooges walk over to the boxing dummy. Chopper punches the dummy backwards, but it bounces back forward and bumps into Shemp]
SHEMP: OH! Oh, cop a sneaker, eh?!
[Shemp punches the boxing dummy to the right and it hits Moe in the face]
MOE: OOH!
[Moe punches the dummy to the left, hitting Larry in the face]
LARRY: OOH!
[The dummy bounces back to Moe, hitting him. Moe punches the dummy back to Shemp, but it misses his face]
SHEMP: Missed me! [sticks out his tongue]
[The dummy hits Shemp, knocking him down to the ground]
MOE: [pushing the dummy at Larry] Why, you!
[The dummy hits Larry]
LARRY: OOH!
[The dummy bounces back to Moe and hits him]
MOE: OOH!
SHEMP: [getting up] Wait a minute. I’ll take a short count.
CHOPPER: [patting the dummy] The winner and still world’s champeen, Oscar the dummy! Ha, ha, ha! I’m beginnin’ to enjoy this workout. I even feel like a few rounds of boxin’.
MOE: That’s swell, but we ain’t got no sparrin’ partner.
[The Stooges and Chopper look down at the ground. Then Moe, Larry, and Chopper look up over at Shemp]
SHEMP: No! No! Not me, fellas! Besides, I bruise easy.
CHOPPER: Aw, don’t be a baby! It’s all in fun.
SHEMP: I hate fun!
[Moe and Larry grab Shemp and walk a short distance away from Chopper]
SHEMP: What are you, surrounding me, fellas?!
MOE: No, you gotta do it! Think of the dough.
SHEMP: I’d rather think of my health!
LARRY: [handing Moe a helmet] Here.
MOE: Yeah, we’re gonna put this on your head.
SHEMP: Thanks.
LARRY: We don’t want The Chopper to hurt his hand!
SHEMP: [walking away] OHHH!
MOE AND LARRY: [grabbing Shemp back] Wait!
MOE: Don’t be a coward. You’ll spar a little with The Chopper and exchange some love taps.
SHEMP: Taps?
LARRY: Yeah, taps. [begins tap dancing]
MOE: [hitting Larry with the helmet] Quiet!
LARRY: OOH!
[Moe puts the helmet on Shemp, covering his eyes]
MOE: C’mon.
SHEMP: Wait a minute. Where did everybody go?!
LARRY: [leading Shemp to the ring by the arm] This way.
[Shemp accidentally bumps into a ring post]
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: Get in there.
[Shemp walks the wrong way]
MOE: [yanking Shemp’s helmet up so he can see] C’mon! C’mon! [pushes Shemp to the ring ropes]
SHEMP: Alright, don’t shove me.
[Shemp begins climbing up the ring ropes, but gets his feet tangled in the ropes and falls down]
[Cut to Chopper laughing to himself as he watches]
[Cut back to Shemp, with his head now stuck in between the ropes]
SHEMP: Moe! Larry! Help!!
[Moe and Larry walk over to Shemp]
SHEMP: Ngoo!!
MOE: Wait a minute! Gimme your foot.
[Moe and Larry grab Shemp by the legs and pull a few times]
MOE: C’mon, here!
LARRY: C’mon!
[Shemp head finally gets freed from the ropes and he goes crashing into the ring]
MOE: [helping Shemp] You dumb ox, you!
SHEMP: [staggering around] Ohh! Now I know how a gopher feels!
MOE: [handing Shemp boxing gloves] Get these gloves on.
[We hear a door opening in the background]
LARRY: [pointing off-camera] Hey, there’s Kitty!
[Cut to a woman entering the gym]
LARRY: [running up to Kitty] Kitty! Hiya, baby. You’re just in time to see The Chopper do his stuff.
[They walk over to Chopper, who’s standing in the ring]
LARRY: Kitty, I want you to meet Chopper Kane, the next heavyweight champion.
CHOPPER: [looking at Kitty] Oh, I’m meetin’ a champeen right now!
KITTY: Why, you say the sweetest things!
CHOPPER: Oh, sugar, you’re just about to see little ol’ Chopper go into action.
KITTY: Oh, I just love to see a good fight.
CHOPPER: Well, you stick around here. I’ll murder that guy for ya!
[Larry winces as he hears this]
CHOPPER: [to Larry] Get the victim ready for the slaughter.
LARRY: [climbing in the ring to Chopper] Wait a minute, Chopper. Remember -- love taps.
CHOPPER: Get him ready!
[Chopper punches Larry in the nose, pushing him off- camera]
CHOPPER: [to Kitty] This won’t take long.
[Cut to Larry walking over to Moe and Shemp; Moe is lacing the glove on Shemp’s left hand]
LARRY: Mmm! Get a load of that Chopper!
MOE: Lace that glove!
[Larry begins lacing the glove on Shemp’s right hand as Moe looks at Chopper and Kitty]
MOE: Yeah, our Chopper’s a bit of a wolf.
LARRY: Yeah, if he moves around in the ring like he moved in on Kitty, I figure we got a new champion on our hands.
[Larry, not looking at what he’s doing, laces Shemp’s right glove to a ring ropes]
MOE: Is it fixed?
LARRY: He’s fixed, alright!
CHOPPER: [to Kitty] Get over there, baby.
[Shemp’s left hand begins shaking as Moe finishes tying on his left glove]
MOE: What’s the matter, kid- you nervous?
SHEMP: Just my left hand!
MOE: Ah, take it easy! With a dame around, The Chopper will box like a perfect gentleman.
LARRY: Now, when I ring the bell, you come out fightin’.
MOE: Any blood -- ignore it!
[Moe and Larry climb out of the ring]
SHEMP: Where ya going, fellas???
[Larry rings the bell. Shemp tries to step forward, but realizes his right hand is tied to the ring ropes. He struggles to get his hand out of his glove. Chopper runs up to Shemp and they begin boxing, with Shemp only using his left hand. Chopper punches Shemp around a few times]
SHEMP: O! Oh! Oh!
[Chopper punches Shemp in the face repeatedly, making a loud bouncing noise with his glove]
[Cut to Moe and Larry]
LARRY: Look at that Chopper go. Wow!
MOE: [reaches in his pocket and gives Larry money] Fit this roll on the Chopper to win by a knockout and hurry up before they cut the odds down.
[Larry leaves]
[Cut back to Chopper and Shemp. Chopper turns around and waves to Kitty. Shemp pulls his right arm too hard, pulling his hand out of the glove and causing him to accidentally punch Chopper in the face. Chopper dazedly staggers around, then falls to the ground]
[Cut to Moe]
MOE: Oh! [screams] Larry! Wait a minute! Oh ho! He’s gone. [crying]
[Cut back to Chopper and Shemp]
SHEMP: I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it!
[Chopper looks up at Shemp angrily]
SHEMP: My hand slipped! Love taps! Love taps! [begins doing his shadow-boxing dance]
[Chopper punches Shemp in the face, then in the stomach. Shemp blocks his stomach with his hand afterwards, so Chopper then punches him in the face. Shemp blocks his face with his hand, then Chopper punches him in the stomach. This goes on and on until Shemp blocks both his face and stomach, followed by Chopper knocking Shemp off- camera]
[Cut to Shemp doing a headstand against a ring post]
MOE: That a boy Chopper! That’s my baby.
[Chopper waves his hands at Kitty, then goes back over to Shemp, who is getting up from the ground]
LARRY: [runs up to Moe] Five to won on the K.O.
MOE: Oh boy! We’re gonna be rich!
LARRY: Rich! Ya haha!
MOE: Boy! We’re gonna be rich.
[Larry and Moe jump up and down. Moe kisses Larry in the face. Larry then kisses Moe back]
MOE: Hey! Don’t get so familiar. [slaps Larry]
SHEMP: Alright. Watch this one! [punches Chopper] Just watch this one! [punches Chopper again]
[Cut to Moe and Larry as we hear more punches in the background]
MOE: What going on here? There goes Shemp with a left jab! [pause] There goes Shemp with a right cross! [pause] There goes Shemp with a haymaker! [a loud punch is head off-camera, followed by a splashing sound] There goes Shemp! Hahaha.
[Cut to Shemp laying across the ring ropes upside-down, with his head stuck in a bucket of water. Moe and Larry run up to him]
MOE: What’s the matter with you?!
[Moe and Larry help Shemp up]
MOE: Easy, boy!
LARRY: Alright, get him up!
MOE: Up ya go! Up! What’s the matta with ya?!
[Moe and Larry yank Shemp around back and forth while trying to take the bucket off his head]
MOE: Wait a minute! I’ll get it off.
LARRY: Take it easy. I know how to do it!
MOE: Take your hands off!
LARRY: Come here! I got a system!
MOE: Let me have it!
LARRY: Now, wait a minute!
MOE: Thatta boy! Here ya go!
LARRY: Wait a minute!
[Moe and Larry finally get the bucket off of Shemp’s head. A dazed Shemp falls the ground afterwards, but Moe and Larry help him back up]
MOE: Take it easy, kid. Take it easy! Easy, kid!
SHEMP: [extending his arms] Let me at him! Let me at him!
[Big Mike and his partner enter the gym]
BIG MIKE: Hey boys! Come here.
[The stooges walk up to Big Mike]
LARRY: Hi.
MOE: Hi ya boss. We just made a terrific bet on the Chopper to win the fight. We bet every cent we got.
LARRY: Yeah and every dollar too.
BIG MIKE: That’s too bad cuz Chopper has to lose to the Gorilla.
MOE AND LARRY: [smiling] Yes, the Chopper has to lose. [Moe and Larry suddenly get a shocked look on their faces.] No!!!
BIG MIKE: Do as your told or you’ll wind up in cement camonas.
[Big Mike and his partner walk out the door]
MOE: Oh wait a minute boss! Listen, our whole bankroll---
[Moe stick his arm on the doorway and Big Mike closes the door on Moe’s arm]
MOE: Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Boss! Take it easy. Oh! Oh! [gets his arm free] I think I broke my eyepoking fingers.
LARRY: Good, now you can’t poke us in the eye. [Moe eyepokes Larry] Ohh!! I had to open my big mouth.
MOE: Now listen, we gotta decondition the Chopper. Soften him up, so he’ll lose.
LARRY: Yeah, it’s better we lose our dough than our lives.
[Shemp tries to pull his boxing glove off. Finally when he pulls it out, he accidentally his Larry’s head with it. Larry ends up bonking heads with Moe]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
LARRY: [to Shemp] You imbecile!
MOE: [pulls Larry’s hair and says to him] Wait a minute. I said we got to decondition the Chopper. So, come on. [Moe pulls Larry and Shemp by the hair and they walk away.]
[The scene ends. A new scene begins where we see the stooges serving Chopper and Kitty some breakfast]
MOE: The Chopper is getting right in the condition we want him.
SHEMP: [holding the plate of cream puffs to Chopper] Here, have some cream puffs.
MOE: They’ll build you up!
CHOPPER: It’s my favorite fruit! Ha, ha! [takes a cream puff]
LARRY: Take some more. We got a lot of them.
[The Stooges give Chopper more cream puffs]
KITTY: But baby doll, if you eat too much of that stuff, you won’t be in shape to knock out Gorilla Watson.
CHOPPER: Aw, honey, the way I feel now, I don’t wanna hurt nobody.
[The Stooges wink at each other, then walk off-camera]
CHOPPER: Honey baby, after lunch, will you read me another poem about love?
[Cut to the Stooges watching Chopper and Kitty]
LARRY: My idea’s workin’ out swell. Look at him. He’s so goofy you could knock him down with a handful of peanuts -- without the shells!
MOE: Yeah, the way he’s packin’ it in, The Gorilla will knock him stiff in the first round.
SHEMP: He’s sure makin’ a pig of himself! [begins gobbling down a cake]
MOE: Look who’s talkin’! [throws a pie in Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: Mmph!
MOE: [taking Shemp’s cake] Gimme that cake! [eats the cake]
SHEMP: [licking the cream on his face] Mmm! If I only had some coffee!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see a sign that reads “MAJESTIC FIGHT ARENA”]
[The scene transitions to the Stooges outside of the arena.]
LARRY: [to Moe] It’s getting’ late. I wonder what’s keepin’ The Chopper.
[Shemp looks at his watch, then holds it to his ears]
MOE: What does your watch say?
SHEMP: Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick!
MOE: [punching Shemp in the stomach] C’mon!
SHEMP: Oh!
[Moe plunks Shemp in the nose]
SHEMP: Ooh!
LARRY: Listen, he oughta be here by now. We gotta get him ready for the fight!
MOE: Don’t worry about getting The Chopper ready for the fight. Worry about carryin’ him out afterwards!
[Suddenly, an angry Chopper comes storming by]
CHOPPER: Let me at him! Where’s that Gorilla Watson?! I’ll tear him apart!
MOE: [grabbing Chopper] Chopper, Chopper, Chopper, Chopper! What happened?
CHOPPER: What happened?! Me and Kitty had a big beef – that’s what happened! She threw me over for that big gorilla! Ooh, I’ll murder him!
MOE: Now, now, now – don’t be hasty!
SHEMP: [holding a cream puff] Here, have a cream puff!
CHOPPER: [shoving the cream puff in Shemp’s face] I don’t want no cream puff! Ooh, I’m mad! [to Moe] Oh, wait’ll I get him in the ring! I’m gonna smash him! I’ll smash him like... [notices a garbage can] like this -- [punches a hole in the garbage can, then walks inside the arena]
[Moe looks at the hole in the garbage can, then looks off-screen at Shemp in shock]
[Moe walks up to Shemp, who has cream puff all over his face]
SHEMP: How do you like that guy?! Busted a perfectly good cream puff!
MOE: You lamebrain! We’re gonna be rubbed out after the fight, and you’re worried about a cream puff! [grabbing the cream puff out of Shemp’s hand] Why, you!
[Moe throws the cream puff at Shemp and Larry, but they duck and it flies off-camera]
[Cut to Gorilla Watson and his manager walking nearby. The cream puff hits Gorilla in his face]
[The Stooges twitch in shock]
MANAGER: [trying to hold Gorilla back] Gorilla, don’t lose your temper, when you got fightin’ to do in the ring!
[Gorilla angrily walks over to Moe and pushes him against the brick wall]
GORILLA: Why, you little punk! [aims a punch at Moe]
[Moe ducks, causing Gorilla to punch the wall instead]
GORILLA: [holding his hand in pain] Ooh! My hand! Ooh!
MANAGER: [looking at Gorilla’s hand] Ohhh, my gosh -- it''s busted! [opening the door to the arena] Come in, quick, we gotta call this fight off! [to Moe] This is your fault!
[Gorilla and his manager walk in the arena]
MOE: Oh ha ha ha.
LARRY: Hahahahaha. That did it. That did it. What a lucky break! With the fight called off, we don’t lose our dough.
SHEMP: Hot pigidy dog!
LARRY AND SHEMP: Hahaha.
[Big Mike, his partner and a henchman walk out of the arena and stand right behind the stooges. Moe is now smoking a cigar]
MOE: Would I like to get a look at Big Mike’s face when he finds out about this.
BIG MIKE: Oh you would? Would you!
MOE: [turns around] I certainly would. Why don’t you mind your own business? [to Larry and Shemp] How do you like a guy butts in when y--- [just realizes it’s Big Mike and he swallows his cigar by accident.]
[Moe starts coughing]
BIG MIKE: You figured a nice way out for yourself making the Gorilla break his hand. But you knocked me out of a chance to make ten grand.
SHEMP: Now listen chief.
LARRY: We can explain.
BIG MIKE: Shut up!!! [triple slaps the stooges]
STOOGES: Oh!!
BIG MIKE: Alright boys. [two other henchmen approach the stooges] Come and take ‘em for a nice long ride. One way
[The stooges are surrounded]
STOOGES: Oh no, you don’t!!
[Big Mike, his partner and his three henchmen take punches at the stooges. The stooges duck and Big Mike and the others all hit each other]
[The stooges quickly run over behind a sliding metal door and walk behind it.]
BIG MIKE: Get ‘em!!
[The stooges close the sliding metal door. Big Mike and the others walk up to it, but have no way of getting through the door]
BIG MIKE: Shhh! You fellas go in the door over there. I’ll stay here. Go on.
[Everybody except Big Mike run off-camera]
MOE: [hears silence] I think the coast is clear.
[Moe opens the sliding door and Big Mike sticks his head. Moe quickly slides the door on his head]
BIG MIKE: Oww! Oww! Ow!
[Moe locks the door and Big Mike’s head is now stuck.]
BIG MIKE: Don’t you lock that. Don’t you lock that!! Let me outta here. Let me outta here!!! I can’t move.
MOE: Ohh! The gentleman can’t move. [removes Big Mike’s hat]
SHEMP: Perfect. [Twists Big Mike’s nose]
BIG MIKE: Oooooowwwwwww!
[Shemp plucks out Big Mike’s eyebrow. ]
BIG MIKE: Ow. [Shemp plucks out another eyebrow] Ow! [Shemp plucks out another eyebrow] Ow!
[Moe grabs a can of black paint]
SHEMP: [to Moe] After you!
[Moe bows to Shemp and paints Big Mike’s forehead]
BIG MIKE: Let me outta here! Nowwww!!!
LARRY: Haha! Nice going Moe!
[Moe paints Big Mike’s cheeks and chin]
BIG MIKE: I’ll kill ya! I’ll--- [Moe sticks the paintbrush in Big Mike’s mouth]
MOE: Smoke that for awhile.
LARRY: Good work pal!
MOE: Let us away.
[The other henchmen run towards the stooges from off-camera. The stooges see them]
STOOGES: Nyaaahh!
[The stooges quickly run away]
BIG MIKE: Oh! Somebody let me outta here. [starts crying]
[Cut to an overhead shot of the gangsters chasing the Stooges all throughout a warehouse and bumping into each other along the way]
[Cut to Moe and Moose running on opposite sides of a pile of crates. They both run towards each other and crash into each other, falling down]
MOOSE: Oooh!!
MOE: [running away] Nyaaah!!!
MOOSE: [running after Moe] Oooohh!!
[Cut to Larry being chased around a pile of crates by another henchman. When the henchman stops and peeks over the edge of the crates, Larry sneaks behind him. The henchman then looks behind him]
LARRY: Nyaaahh!!! [runs away]
[Cut to Shemp running up to a pile a crates and crawling next to it. Another henchman walks by on top of the crates. Both Shemp and the henchman pass by each other without even noticing it. Then the henchman jumps down back on the floor and Shemp stands up, then they both turn around and notice each other]
SHEMP: Ohhhh!! [pulls down the henchman’s hat over his eyes, then runs away]
[Moe runs over, sees two bricks and picks them up]
[Cut to Moose and the henchman running into each other and ready to punch each other, then recognizing each other and running away]
[Moe sees Moose headed towards him]
MOE: Nyaaah! [throws the two bricks on top of a pile of crates covered by a blanket, then hides behind the blanket]
[The camera cuts to Larry running away from another crook]
[The camera cuts to the same spot where Moe threw the bricks over. Moose comes takes a seat right in front of the blanket]
[Suddenly, the two bricks on top of the pile of crates fall down and bonk Moose on the head, knocking him out]
[The camera cuts to Larry who is still running away from the crook]
[The camera cuts to Moose who is now knocked out. Moe peeks through a hole in the blanket and sees Moose knocked out, then hides again when he notices someone coming by]
[A henchman comes by and notices Moose]
HENCHMAN: Tired, eh? [sits down next to Moose] So am I. [takes out a napkin and wipes the sweat off of his head]
[Moe reaches a napkin through the hole in the blanket he’s hiding behind and wipes Moose’s head with it, making it look like Moose is conscious and doing it on his own]
HENCHMAN: Hey, Moose.
[Moe moves the back of Moose’s head so Moose faces the henchman]
HENCHMAN: Seen anything of those guys?
[Moe shakes Moose’s head]
HENCHMAN: [looks around for the Stooges, then looks back at Moose] But we’ll get ‘em!
[Moe nods Moose’s head]
HENCHMAN: Wonder which way they went.
[Moe shrugs Moose’s shoulders]
HENCHMAN: You go that way [pointing to the left of the screen], and I’ll go this way [pointing to the right].
[Moe loses grip of the back of Moose’s head, causing Moose to slump over the henchman’s lap]
HENCHMAN: Well, what’s the matter with you?!
[Moe tries to reach over and pull Moose’s head back but reaches the henchman’s nose instead and yanks it]
[The henchman rushes over to behind the blanket to Moe, dropping Moose to the floor. We can hear sounds of them fighting]
HENCHMAN: [off-camera] Take that, will ya!
MOE: [off-camera] Ooh!
HENCHMAN: [off-camera] And that!
[Moose comes back to and sees two figures moving behind the blankets]
MOE: [off-camera] Ooh! Take it easy, now, will ya?!
[Moose grabs a club and whacks it into the two figures behind the blanket]
MOE AND THE HENCHMAN: [off-camera] Oh!
[The henchman comes stumbling out from behind the blanket and Moose, thinking that it is Moe, whacks him on the head with the club, knocking him down to the floor]
MOOSE: [seeing that it’s the henchman] Oh! I’m sorry! I’m sorry. Really, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it! Honest, I... [looks over and see Moe peeking out from behind the blanket] Ohh!
MOE: Aaaah! [runs away]
[Cut to Larry walking behind a pile of crates, carrying a club. Moe walks over to the other side and peeks over the edge. Larry sees Moe and, mistaking him for one of the gangsters, whacks him over the head with the club]
MOE: Oh! [falls down]
LARRY: [running all the way around the crates] Ha, ha! [sees Moe getting up from the floor] Hey, Moe, I just got one of ‘em! He was standing right here where you are.
MOE: Was he a short, fat fella?
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: Dark hair?
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: [pointing to Larry’s club] Did you hit him with that?
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: [snatching away Larry’s club] That was me! [whacks Larry on the head with the club, then pulls him back up by the hair]
[Suddenly, two gangsters come running toward Moe and Larry]
MOE AND LARRY: Nyaaaah!! [running away]
[Cut to another overhead shot of the Stooges running from the gangsters and bumping into each other]
[Cut to Shemp walking up to a garbage can and looking around. The top of the can opens and Larry peeks outside of it. Shemp gets startled when he sees this, then takes and axe and whacks the top of the garbage can with it]
LARRY: Ooh!!
SHEMP: Hahahahaha!
[A different henchman walks over to Shemp]
SHEMP: [to the henchman] I just flattened one of them... Oww!! [runs away]
[A dazed Larry rises out of the garbage can. Moe runs over to him]
MOE: What are ya doin’ in there?! [lifts Larry out of the can, then carries him] C’mon, get out of there!
[Moe and Larry run inside of a steel door, then close it. A second later, Shemp runs up to the door and tries to open it]
SHEMP: [banging on the door] Moe, Larry! Let me in! Let me in! I get lonesome out here.
[The gangsters all walk over to Shemp]
HENCHMAN: Oh, so they’re in there, huh?
SHEMP: No! No no. I was just talking to myself.
HENCHMAN: [to the other gangsters] Get something to batter the door down!
[The gangsters look around, then the henchman looks over at Shemp]
HENCHMAN: Wait a minute! [points to Shemp’s head]
SHEMP: No! No! I gotta soft skull, fella!
[The gangsters all grab Shemp]
SHEMP: Let me go, will ya?! Look out there! Let me go!!
[The gangsters bang Shemp head-first into the door repeatedly]
SHEMP: You’re crushin’ my eyebrows!
[Finally, the door is knocked down. The gangsters drop Shemp to the floor, then rush inside]
[As Shemp comes back to and look up, we can hear a brawl in the room between the gangsters and Moe & Larry. Shemp gets up and notices a box of moth balls. He takes them and spills them all of them over the floor outside of the door. He then stands next to the door and holds an ax]
[One henchman exits the door, grabbing Larry. They begin sliding on the moth balls on the floor and Shemp whacks the henchman on the head with the ax, knocking him down to the floor. Shemp does the same to the second henchman as he exits while grabbing Moe, then to the last henchman as he exits]
[Cut to Larry continuing to slide then, stopping in front of a pile of crates.
SHEMP: [to the unconscious gangsters] That fixed you! [to the ax] Guess we got ‘em pal.
[Moe slides towards Larry and he catches him]
MOE: [looking at the knocked-out gangsters] Oh, boy!
SHEMP: [kisses the ax and throws it up in the air] Oh boy!!
[The ax falls on Shemp’s head knocking him out. Shemp falls on the floor and leans on one of the crates against the wall.]
[Larry runs over to Shemp]
LARRY: [yells to Moe] Hey Moe! Bring a bucket of water here. Quick!
[Moe comes over with a bucket of water. As Moe is getting ready to splash the whole bucket of water on Shemp, Shemp stops leaning and falls down flat on the floor. This causes Moe to splash the water all over the crooks instead.]
GANGSTERS: Ohh! [all of the gangsters are starting to revive]
MOE: Hey! I revived them by mistake. Get him outta here. We’ll get killed. Hurry! Let’s go. Let’s go before they come to.
[Moe and Larry pull on Shemp’s clothes to drag him, but Shemp’s clothes rip off. Shemp is now lying there in his underclothes.]
Moe: [Holding on Shemp’s ripped clothes] Hey! He’s losing weight. I--- [sees Shemp lying in his underclothes] Nyah ah ah!!
[Moe and Larry run over to Shemp]
MOE: Come on kid. We gotta get outta here! Come on! Come on!
[Moe and Larry pick up Shemp and drag him away. The scene ends]
--THE END--
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