Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2002-09-10
THEY STOOGE TO CONGA
MASTER SPY....Vernon Dent
NAZI SPY / PHONE CUSTOMER #4....John Tyrell
RADIO ANNOUNCER....Eddie Laughton
CHEF....Dudley Dickerson
PHONE CUSTOMER #2....Lloyd Bridges
Scene opens on repairmen Moe, Larry, and Curly walking around town looking for business.
MOE: Alright, who's next here, ladies? We fix anything. Top-rate reparing while you wait.
STOOGES (in unison, singing): And that ain't alllllllll....ZOOT!
A pretty woman walks past the Stooges, and Curly follows her. Moe and Larry then also follow. The woman walks up to her front door to her house and then turns around to the Stooges.
CURLY: Pardon me, could we...
WOMAN#1: No!
Woman triple slaps the Stooges with her purse, then walks inside of her house and slams the door. The Stooges look at the sign on the door, which reads: MLLE. ZORA, MIND READER.
MOE (to Larry): This is your fault!
LARRY: No it isn...
Moe is about to punch Larry, but Larry quickly lifts the board sign he's wearing and blocks Moe's punch from his face.
MOE (holding fist in pain): Ooh! Oh! Oh!
Larry pulls back down the board sign.
LARRY: Ha, ha, ha...
Moe, without looking, punches Larry in the face with his other fist.
CURLY: Ha, ha!
MARSHA (off-screen): Yoo-Hoo!
Camera cuts over to Marsha, a Nazi woman standing outside a house.
MARSHA (calling the Stooges): Young men!
MOE: A customer! C'mon!
The Stooges walk over to the house.
CURLY (walking up to Marsha): We would like to...
The Nazi Woman shoots him an eerie glance, scaring him away.
MOE (to Marsha): At your service, babe. What's cookin'?
MARSHA: The doorbell isn't working. Can you fix it?
MOE: Can we fix it!
LARRY: Can we fix it!
CURLY (seriously): Can we???
MOE: Quiet! (to Marsha) After you, madame.
Marsha marches inside of the house. The Stooges follow, but Larry and Moe get stuck in the door way due to Larry's large board sign. Curly grabs the anvil he's carrying and holds it ahead of him, then charges into Moe and Larry, knocking them through the doorway and sending them all crashing inside the house.
MARSHA (as the Stooges get up from the floor): Of all the clumsy idiots!!!
MOE: Beat it, sister! We don't want any strangers lending our trade secrets.
THE MASTER SPY (off-screen): MARSHA! MARSHA! MARSHA!!!
Marsha marches off, leaving the Stooges alone.
MOE (to Larry): The tools. (picking out random tools from Curly's tool belt) Screwdriver. File.
LARRY (also picking out tools) Nippers. Chisel.
MOE: Alright, let's find the wiring.
Moe and Larry walk off.
Upstairs in the house, Marsha meets with the Master Spy in the hallway.
MASTER SPY (saluting): Heil, Hitler.
MARSHA: Heil!
MASTER SPY: Yeh -- who are those men down there?
MARSHA: They came to fix the doorbell.
MASTER SPY: Dumbkopf! They might be FBI!
Marsha and Master Spy both march inside of a room, where another Nazi spy and a Japanese spy are waiting.
MASTER SPY: Heil Hitler!
Everyone salutes.
JAPANESE SPY: So!
MASTER SPY: We contact the submarine in one hour
JAPANESE SPY: So!
NAZI SPY: We'll (?) the mine fields by remote control.
JAPANESE SPY: So!
MASTER SPY: Then everything....goes POOF!
JAPANESE SPY: So!
MASTER SPY: Yeh -- So then (pointing to the globe) we divide the world in half. Of course, Germany gets the biggest half!
JAPANESE SPY (disapproving): Oh, so...
MASTER SPY: Yeh -- So what?
JAPANESE SPY: So!
Camera cuts back downstairs, where Curly is tracing a wire that's stuck under a carpet.
CURLY: Oh, stubborn eh?
Curly crawls under the carpet tracing the wire, and as he comes out, he discovers a radio on a table.
CURLY: Oh! A "ra-dio"!
Curly turns the radio on.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: You want to take the $32 or try for the $64?
Moe wanders on screen, not catching Curly's attention.
CURLY (to the radio): I'll try for the $64!
MOE: Alright, why can't a chicken lay a loaf of bread?
CURLY: She ain't got the crust!
MOE (grimacing): You win...
CURLY (excited): Gimme! Gimme!
Moe whacks Curly on the head with a pair of pliers.
CURLY: Oww!
MOE: Get outta here and take that radio with ya! Get busy
CURLY: Hmmmmm!!
Curly walks away and tries to take the radio with him, but the wire gets stuck and he's struggling to pull the radio. Eventually, the radio flies out of Curly's arms and whacks Moe right in the face.
MOE: Oh!!!!!!!
CURLY (slapping his own face): Nyaaaaah!
Moe grabs the radio and walks over to Curly.
CURLY (scared): Short wave?
MOE: No, permanent!
Moe smashes the radio over Curly's head and twists Curly's eyebrows like radio knobs.
CURLY: Ohh!! Aaaaahh!! Hmmmmm! Hmmmmmmmmm!
LARRY (across the room): Hey fellas, I found a wire!
MOE (to Curly): Go on! Give 'im a hand!
Curly takes off the smashed radio around his neck as he walks over to Larry.
LARRY (showing Curly the wire): See?
CURLY (pushing Larry out of the camera view): Stand aside! I'll show ya how to fix it.
Curly grabs hold of the wire and starts pulling, it, which then starts ripping right through the wall.
CURLY (slapping his face): Hmmmm!
Curly continues yanking the wire, and it knocks a painting off the wall and it smashes on Larry's head.
LARRY: Ooh!
Curly peeks into the hole where the wire is from then barks at it. Meanwhile, Moe is trying to turn on a light switch.
MOE: Hmm, tough eh?
Moe takes out a screwdriver and starts taking the switch apart. Camera cuts over to Curly still yanking the wire and tearing apart the wall. Then he pulls a phone out of the hole in the wall. The phone rings.
CURLY (picking up the phone): This line is busy!
Curly hangs up the phone and throws it behind him, hitting Moe right on the head.
MOE: Whoa!
Moe angrily picks the phone set up and launches it back at Curly, hitting him on the head.
CURLY (holding head in pain): Ohh! Whoa! Ohh!
Moe grins evily and Curly then grunts at him. Curly looks back in the hole in the wall and sees a second wire.
CURLY (to the camera, while grabbing the wire): Anudder one!
Curly starts yanking the wire and tearing down the wall again. Camera cuts inside of the kitchen, where the chef is mixing some batter. Moe walks up to him and startles him.
MOE: Where's the doorbell?
CHEF (pointing upwards): Right up there, sir.
MOE: Well, woik somewhere else, I gotta fix it.
CHEF: But I gotta....
MOE: ...scram!
Moe shoves the chef off-screen, followed by loud crashing sounds. Moe looks off-camera, surprised for a second, then Moe climbs on top of the table and starts working on the doorbell. On the other side of the wall, Curly yanks the doorbell wire, which pulls the other end of the wire out of Moe's hand.
MOE (grabbing the wire again): Hmmm! Live wire, eh?
Curly and Moe continue to have a tug of war with the wire, and keep pulling each other into the wall.
MOE (tying the wire around his arm): ...Fix you!
CURLY: Hey, Larry!
Larry runs up to Curly.
CURLY: Gimme a hand. Pull this.
Larry grabs hold of the wire with Curly, and they both pull it, while Moe is still pulling the other end of the wire. Eventually, Moe falls backwards, and knocks one end of the table up in the air, causing a bowl of batter to fall over the chef's head. Curly and Larry once again yank the other end of the wire, and it pulls Moe back up from the floor, on to the table and crashing into the wall.
MOE: Ooh!
LARRY: Somethin' comin'?
CURLY: Gettin' heavier!
Moe stands back up on the table, but another tug from the other end of the wire sends his arm crashing a hole right through the wall.
MOE: Ooh, if I can get ahead!
Moe tries his hardest to pull the wire back, but even more forceful tugging from the other end of the wire sends Moe's whole body crashing through the wall and ending up on Larry and Curly's side.
CURLY (noticing Moe, who has his head down and with powder all in his hair): Oh! A termite with dandruff. Hmm!
LARRY (off-screen): Heh!
CURLY: I get the...
Moe lifts his head and Curly then realizes who he is.
CURLY (in fear): Gaaaawk-gaaaawk-gaaawk! I didn't mean it
Moe tries to pull Curly into the hole in the wall, but he can't fit in, so Moe grabs a wooden stick inside of the wall and whacks Curly on the head with it repeatedly.
Scene cuts over to the Stooges standing in front of a telephone pole outside of the house.
MOE: Trouble ain't in the house. That's definite. (looking up at the telephone pole) Power company probably got their wires all tangled up. (to Curly) Go on up and straighten out the mess.
Curly turns around and looks up the telephone pole.
CURLY (nearly passing out): Nyaaaa-aaah! Wait a minute! What am I doin'? You know I get dizzy in high places.
MOE: You're dizzy in LOW places! Get up there!
CURLY: No!
Curly accidentally drops the wrench in his hand and it falls on Moe's foot.
MOE (holding foot in pain): Oooh! oooh! Ohhhh!
Moe grabs a pipe wrench from the floor.
CURLY: Oh, Moe! Don't! No, please!
Moe screws the pipe wrench on Curly's nose.
CURLY: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! YAAAH!!!!
MOE (to Larry): Ready off!
Moe and Larry grab seperate ends of the pipe wrench and pull.
MOE: Heave ho! Heave ho! Heave...
Moe and Larry finally pull the pipe wrench off of Curly's nose.
CURLY (holding nose in pain): Ooh! Oh! Oh, Moe! You stretched my nose all out of shape!
MOE (grabbing Curly by the ear): I'll fix that.
Moe drags Curly over to the grindsone.
MOE: Get your nose on there.
Curly presses his nose against the grindstone as Larry turns it on. Sparks start flying everywhere.
CURLY: OOOOH! OHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S HOT!!!! OHHHHH!
Moe pulls Curly's nose away from the grindstone and Larry stops the grinstone.
MOE: Now I don't wanna hear any more arguments outta you! Get up that pole!
CURLY: Hmmmmm!!!
MOE: Go on!
CURLY: Hmmm!!
Curly digs both of his climbing spikes into the pole and begins to climb it. Moe and Larry help him up.
MOE: Okay. Heave up! Get up there, you!
Curly lifts one of his legs and unknowingly places it right in front of Moe's face, nearly cutting his face with the climbing spike on his shoe.
MOE: Whoa! (lifting Curly's leg) Look out! Look out with that climbing spike!
Curly places his foot on Moe's head, and the climbing spike digs right through Moe's head.
MOE: OWWWW!!!!!!! OH! OH! OH, MY HEAD!!!!!
After Curly pulls his spike out of there, Moe grabs Curly's foot and bites it like a ferocious dog.
CURLY (in pain): WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA!!!!
Curly dangles his foot around a fearful Moe's eyes.
MOE: Look ou...
Suddenly, Curly's foot lowers and the climbing spike finds itself inside of Moe's eye!
MOE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Moe, with the help of Larry, pulls the spike out of his eye. Then Curly puts his foot next to Moe's ear.
MOE (trying to pull the spike away from his ear): OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!
The spike digs inside of Moe's left ear.
MOE: OOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT SPIKE OUTTA MY EAR!!!!!!
Curly pulls his foot away, taking the spike out of Moe's ear.
MOE (in relief): Ohhhh!
Curly then accidentally kicks Moe in the stomach.
MOE: OW! -- (ferociously) Let me at 'im....!
Moe grabs a blowtorch from the floor and aims it at Curly's rear end. Then he turns the blowtorch on and the flames send Curly climbing up the pole quickly, in pain.
CURLY: Yeoowwwww!
Camera dissolves to Curly up on top of the telephone pole. Curly looks at all the wires up there.
CURLY (to nobody in particular): This is confusing! (looking at one wire) I'll have to start on you!
Curly pulls out pliers and tries to take the wire apart, but suddenly, sparks shoot out from the wire.
CURLY (dropping the pliers): Nyaaaaah!!!
The pliers fall down below where Moe and Larry are standing and it hits Moe right on top of the head. Larry catches the pliers.
MOE: OW!!! OH!
LARRY: Gee, did it hoit?
Moe sees that Larry is holding the pliers and thinks he hit him.
MOE: No, does this?
Moe whacks Larry on top of the noggin with a monkey wrench.
LARRY: Ooooh! Yeah...
Moe takes the wrench and yanks Larry's nose upwards with it, then starts hitting Larry in the throat with a flat- hand chop.
LARRY: AHHHHH! UGH! (pointing upwards) It's from up there! Up there...
MOE (looking above at Curly): Ohhhhh!
Camera cuts back to the top of the telephone pole, where Curly licks a disconnected wire and the spits downwards off- screen (presumably at Larry and Moe!). After struggling to get the wire on a bell, he puts the wire back in his mouth again, but receives a shock.
CURLY: OH! AAAHH! Hmmmmm!
Curly once again tries to connect the wire to the bell, but receives another shock, that sends him flying off the top of the pole and landing on top of Moe and Larry and knocking them on the ground. Curly tries to get up but keeps shaking due to being filled with high voltage.
MOE: Whassamatta?
CURLY: I'm charged like a battery!!
MOE (to Larry): Grab 'im.
Larry and Moe grab Curly, but immediately receive electric shocks just from doing so, then let go of him.
LARRY: He's full of high voltage.
MOE: Yeah? Well I'll.... (grabs a lightbulb from behind him) Lemme do something pretty...
Moe screws the lightbulb into Curly's left ear, and the bulb flickers on and off.
CURLY: NYAAAAAA-AAAA-AAAA-AAA-AAAH! Hmmmm! Do somethin'! Do somethin'!
MOE (to Larry): Grab that screwdriver, put it in his ear and short it.
Larry begins to screw the screwdriver in Curly's right ear, and the lightbulb in his other ear instantly shatters.
CURLY: NYAAAAAAH! (realizing that the voltage has stopped) Oh! Thank you. Ha, ha, ha!
Moe lightly touches Curly's shoulder to make sure he's not filled with voltage anymore.
MOE (patting Curly on the head): He's alright now, boy.
Scene fades out and fades in to Curly back on top of the telephone pole, who's humming to himself while in the midst of tangling up all the wires. Now, we see a montage of angry phone customers and phone operators.
PHONE CUSTOMER #1: Hello, operator? My line's been disconnected!
PHONE CUSTOMER #2: Operator! Operator! What's the matter?
OPERATOR: One moment, please!
PHONE CUSTOMER #3: Operator?
PHONE CUSTOMER #4: Operator!
PHONE CUSTOMER #5: Hello, operator?
Camera cuts over back to the room with the spies, who are trying to get the submarine radio controls to work.
JAPANESE SPY: I fix it. (starts messing with the controls)
MASTER SPY: So! Yeh -- (to Marsha) Get Emil on the telephone and have him come over and fix the radio right away! Quick, hurry!
Marsha leaves the room.
MASTER SPY (to the Japanese spy): Don't do that! Please...
Camera cuts back to Curly working on the wires on the telephone pole.
CURLY: Think I got somethin' now!
MOE (to Larry): What's he up to, now???
Curly picks up a phone lying on the telephone pole.
CURLY: Hello? Hello???
OPERATOR: No, that line is out of order.
CURLY: Hmm, I don't hear anything!
Curly licks his finger then touches one of the wires, and receives a shock.
CURLY: YEOW!!
Camera cuts over inside the kitchen of the house, where the chef is on the phone.
CHEF: Yes, sir! I will right now...
Suddenly, the phone explodes right in the chef's face.
CHEF: AAAAHHHH!
The chef fearfully backs away from the phone but accidentally gets a waffle-iron caught on his behind.
CHEF (running out of the room in pain): Owwww!! Let go of me!
Camera cuts back to Curly, who's moving his telephone pole seat away.
LARRY (to Moe): We'd better get him!
MOE: C'mon!
Curly stops moving his seat when he looks inside of the window of the room with submarine radio controls. Curly then backs too far close to the wires supporting him, and receives an electric shock, sending him crashing through the window. Curly then gets up from the floor.
CURLY (waving his arm at the window): Hmmmmm!
Curly then notices the submarine radio controls and walks up to it.
CURLY: Oh! I bet I can get "The Lone Ranger" on this!
Curly begins messing with the controls. Meanwhile, Moe and Larry are searching inside the house for Curly.
MOE: Where is that dumpling-head? (pointing to a room) Hey, let's take a look in here.
Moe and Larry walk inside of the room, which has pictures of Nazi swastikas and a large poster of Adolf Hitler.
LARRY: Hey, what kind of a place is this?
MOE: Looks like a Rouges Gallery.
Moe looks behind him and notices the giant poster of Hitler, which startles him.
MOE (poking the poster in the eyes): NYAAAH!
Moe tries to run away but bumps into Larry.
MOE: Ooooh! That's Shicklegruber! We're in a rat trap! We gotta find Curly and get outta here!
Moe and Larry head for the door. Larry takes a peek outside in the hallway where the Master Spy and the Japanese spy are, talking with each other.
MASTER SPY: ...the way the house has been torn down by those workmen...
Larry jumps back in the room and bumps into Moe. Moe reaches over to strangle Larry, but Larry shushes him and they both listen to hear outside the hallway.
MASTER SPY: Yeh -- If we see them, we shoot them between the eye.
JAPANESE SPY: No, in the back!
MASTER SPY: Yeh --
Back inside the room...
LARRY AND MOE: NYAAAAAH!
Larry and Moe hide. The two spies open the door where Larry and Moe are and walk up to the poster of Hitler, only the poster has been ripped out and Moe is standing in it's place, dress up as Hitler.
MASTER SPY (to the "poster"): I promise you today the destruction of Zohaba! Heil!
Both spies salute the poster.
MOE (saluting back): Heel!
Both spies walk off, and then do a double-take a few seconds later when they realize what just happened. They both run back up to the "poster". Moe suddenly screams something at them in mock German. As both spies reach in their pockets to get their guns, Larry sneaks out from behind a wall and knocks them out with a mallet. Scene shifs back to Curly in the other room, messing with the submarine radio controls.
CURLY: C'mon, give!
Camera cuts over to a submarine, where the German captain is speaking into the radio.
CAPTAIN: U-29 calling Agent X-43.
CURLY: Aw, stop that double-talk! I wanna hear "The Lone Ranger"!
CAPTAIN: Dumbkopf! I'm nearing the minefield! Take 'er over!
CURLY: Nyaaaah! Sabatoogies! Column fives! Spies! (barking at the radio) RUFF!!!!
Curly gets up and walks towards the door, but he hears someone about to open the door so he hides. Moe and Larry, dressed up as Hitler and the Japanese soldier, respectively, walk in the room.
MOE: (in Yiddish) Eppes ist paskudne. (saluting) Ya vohl!
LARRY (saluting): So!
Curly, thinking that Moe and Larry are the real thing, comes out of hiding and knocks both of them out with a hammer. He then walks up to the window, but remember that he broke it earlier. As he turns around, a ticked-off Moe and Larry are standing there.
CURLY: Nyaaaah! (saluting "Hitler") Heil! Heel!
MOE (slapping Curly): Get out....
CURLY: It's Moe! Was that...
MOE: Yes, it was!!!
Moe snatches the hammer out of Curly's hand.
MOE: Open your mouth and close your eyes...
Curly follows Moe's command, and Moe takes the hammer and accidentally backs it into Larry's head, then shoves it in Curly's open mouth.
CURLY: Mmmmmph!
Moe punches Curly in the stomach, then Curly whacks Moe on the head with the hammer repeatedly until he accidentally hits himself in the face. Suddenly, the Stooges hear the captain speaking through the radio again.
CAPTAIN: U-29 calling Agent X-43. Calling Agent X-43.
The Stooges curiously walk up to the radio controls.
CAPTAIN (aggrivated) Submarine U-29! Calling!
MOE: An enemy submarine!
CAPTAIN: Take her over by remote control.
CURLY: He wants us to take over.
MOE: What are we waitin' for?
The Stooges anxiously begin messing up the radio controls. The submarine starts going out of control. The captain braces himself and yells in German language. Meanwhile, a pilot flying a jet looks down at sea and notices the out- of- control submarine flopping up and down in the water. The pilot drops a bomb from the plane and it blows up the submarine. Back in the room that the Stooges are, sparks start shooting out of the submarine controls.
CURLY: Success!!!
The Stooges shake hands with each other then head towards the door, but it's blocked by the spies. The Japanese spy is wearing a woman's dress since Larry stole his outfit, and two spies are holding a box of dynamite explosives.
STOOGES: Nyaaaaah!
MASTER SPY: FBI, huh??!?
CURLY: No! IB Curly!
Curly whacks the Master Spy on the stomach with a mallet, then on the head, sending him bumping into the two men holding the dynamite explosives box. The box falls to the ground and explodes, blowing the whole house up. After all the smoke clears, we see the Stooges in tattered clothing sitting on top of the knocked-out spies.
CURLY (pretending to speak into a microphone): Hello, Ma. Hello, Pa. It was a great fight!
The Stooges musically tap the knocked-out spies on the head with hammers, making it sound like a radio station sign off.
THE END
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