CAST MENTIONED:

SHEMP HOWARD................SHEMP HOWARD
TOM KENNEDY...................JONATHAN BASS
REBEL RANDALL..................MRS. HOWARD
CHRISTINE MCINTYRE.........ANNIE BASS 
HARRY TENBROOK...............MOVING MAN

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON SHEMP):

SHEMP:  (In the kitchen in his night wear):  He is preparing breakfast, eggs, sausage, toast and coffee.  He has a string of sausage links around his neck.  His cute little dog Herbert is there helping him.  He puts some pepper on the eggs.  (SHEMP WITH THE SAUSAGES).  "I'll move them around a bit, she won't mind my fingers.

MRS. HOWARD:  (Entering the kitchen says):  "Shemp what are you up to?"

SHEMP:  (With a happy look on his face to his wife):  "Ah, sweetheart, I wanted to surprise you.  Herbert and I are making the breakfast this morning, now you run along and get your housework done."

MRS. HOWARD:  (With a look of amazement on her face says to Shemp):  "It better be good, I am hungry this morning.  

SHEMP:  (To his wife):  "Well, look."

SHEMP:  (Humming with a happy look on his face):  Goes to the ice box and takes the string of sausage links from his neck and shoves them into the ice box, hits his head on the ice box, (now rubbing his head says):  "Oh, those new fang dangled ice boxes."  He then goes to close the ice box door (with a look of detemination on his face) and then he slams his fingers in the door.  He then gets his fingers out of the door and then Shemp hits the ice box hard with his shoulders and says (with a mad look on his face).  "Ah, I broke my back that was slippery."

SHEMP:  (Still in the kitchen "PREPARING" breakfast):  Walks over to the bread box and takes out a loaf of bread and slices off two slices.  He then puts them into the toaster, (instead of using the knob to put the bread down), he pounds and shoves it in with his hands (with a look of accomplishment on his face):

SHEMP:  (Wiping the bread crumbs off his hands):  Picks up a canister of coffee, puts a funnel in the coffee pot, pours the entire canister of coffee (through the funnel, at least two pounds).  While the coffee is "BREWING" Shemp sniffs the air and realizes that the toast is burning, he grabs a set of metal tongs and sticks them into the toaster (with it still on), to remove the burnt toast.  He shorts out the toaster, gets a small shock himself (dropping the tongs and shaking his hand lets out a yell of pain).  The tongs are now completely ruined.

SHEMP:  (With a look of madness on his face, is looking at the tongs after he has picked them up off of the floor and he says to them):  "How do you like that, guaranteed for five years - and I only got them yesterday."

SHEMP:  (Turns off the toaster and runs over to the stove where the coffee is now brewing over and Shemp picks up a tin pie plate and sets it on top of the funnel in the coffee pot, and says):  "Now, that's more like it."  The impact of the brewing coffee sends the pie tin flying and hits Shemp square in the kisser.  Hot coffee comes flying out of the coffee pot, hits Shemp in the kisser.  Shemp is running backwards (with a look of hurt on his face), puts his hands up to his eyes, rubbing hot coffee out of them, and saying "OW OW OW OW OW OW."  Then Shemp is falling to the floor and grabs hold of the door handle on the ice box, which he opens and the food falls out.  SHEMP:  (with a look of hurt and pain and madness on his face)  slips on the food, and hurts himself.

MRS. HOWARD:  (Hearing the commotion in the kitchen comes running in with a look on her face that says):  "Shemp, what on earth is going on here?"

SHEMP:  (With his wife mad at him):  Crawls a few feet and then gets up and hides himself in a place betwixt the stove and a kitchen storage box.

MRS. HOWARD:  (Still mad at Shemp, has fallen on the floor, slipping on the food).

SHEMP:  (Still in his hiding place with a look of wonderment on his face says):  "Honey, did you hurt yourself?"

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON MRS. HOWARD):

MRS. HOWARD:  (On the floor with a look of pain on her face and the sound of madness in her voice replies):  "No, I am baking a cake."

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP):

SHEMP:  (Getting the morning paper still in his night wear).

SHEMP:  (Turns around to back into the house):

HERBERT:  (Comes running up to Shemp with a string of sausage links and wagging his cute little tail.  Shemp takes the sausages from Herbert and says):  "Herbert, you shouldn't do that, that's not necessary."

HERBERT:  (Looking at Shemp with a look of apology on his face):  "Puts his cute, sweet little paws on Shemp as if to say could I please have a sausage?"

SHEMP:  (To Herbert):   "All right, all right go ahead and have one."  (Shemp then gives Herbert a sausage).

SHEMP:  (Holding the string of sausage links that sweet little Herbert brought him and eats three himself and then says to Herbert):  "That is how people get distemper, dragging things around from one mouth to another."

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON TWO MOVING MEN):

MOVING MAN ONE:  (Is removing a large areas rug from the van and is having trouble with it and says to his partner):  "Hey, buddy will you give me a hand?"

MOVING MAN TWO:  (Goes over to help his partner and says as the first moving man hits him in the head with the area rug);  "You haven't got brains to move anytihing."

MOVING MAN TWO:  (Goes over to help his partner and as the second man goes to take the rug from his partner gets hit in the head with the area rug and he rubs his head in pain).

(CAMERA IS NOW BACK ON CUTE HERBERT AND SHEMP):

(Herbert has just now noticed the moving men and runs over barking at them).

(Herbert grabs the pant cuff of the first moving man who still has the rug in his hand.  Herbert is ripping, and barking, and growling at him).

SHEMP:  (Is laughing hysterically, thinking that Herbert is cute).      

(CAMERA ON THE TWO MOVING MEN):

MOVING MAN ONE:  (Now mad at sweet Herbert):  He is trying to get his pant leg from Herbert's mouth and says to Herbert, while he is dancing around frantically in circles-- "Get out of here, get out of here."

(CAMERA IS NOW BACK ON SHEMP):

SHEMP:  (With the sausages in his hand and one has a bite off of it):  Laughing hysterically as Herbert is attacking the moving man with the rug.

SHEMP:  (To moving man one who is still trying to get cute, little Herbert off of him says):  "Hey buddy, give me back my dog."

MOVING MAN ONE:  (Still with the rug in his hands and Herbert on his pant leg is twirling around frantically trying to get Herbert off of him and the second moving man is ducking trying not to get hit by the rug is waving his hat at Herbert trying to help free his partner.  The second moving man finally gets knocked down by the rug and Shemp says):  "He's down."

MOVING MAN ONE:  (Still holding on to the rug and frantically dancing around and trying to remove Herbert from his pants is screaming loudly):  "Hey get him off me.  Get me outta here."

MOVING MAN TWO:  (Picking himself up off of the driveway and runs over to help his partner who still is yelling in panic about sweet Herbert pulling at his pants):  "Hey get him off of me, get him outta here."

MOVING MAN TWO:  (Still trying to help free his partner who still getting nipped and growled at by Herbert is waving his hat saying):  "Get away, get away."  SHEMP:  (About the second moving man):  "He's a glutton for punishment."

MOVING MAN TWO:  (Still waving his hat at Herbert trying to free his partner who is still frantically trying to remove Herbert with the rug in his hands hits the second moving man once again in the head with the rug and knocks him into a chair that is on the driveway and the second moving man knocks over both the chair and an end table that has a bunch of glass knick knacks on it).  As the second moving man lands hard on the driveway Shemp says:  "He's down again."

MOVING MAN TWO:  (Lifts up his head while he is still kneeling on the driveway now in a state of dazement and a mad look on his face shakes his head and says "Bruff"): 

(Shemp then replies):  "He's up again."

MOVING MAN TWO:  (Still in his state of dazement and a perplexed look on his face says):  "I wonder if I moved on the wrong side of the tracks?"

(All the while the poor second moving man was getting knocked down Shemp was timing his falls with a stop watch).

CUTE HERBERT:  (Runs over to Shemp with a piece of bed frame in his mouth and gives it to Shemp):

SHEMP:  (Taking the piece of bed frame from sweet Herbert throws it back and hits the second moving man in the head with the piece of bed frame and Shemp says):  "Breaking up housekeeping boys?"

MOVING MAN TWO:  (Still kneeling in the driveway and wabbling in pain and is totally wiped out after being hit with the bed frame):  Falls flat on his face in the driveway.

(CAMERA IS NOW BACK IN THE KITCHEN THAT IS METICULOUSLY CLEAN):

SHEMP:  (In his day wear enters the kitchen with loveable Herbert and is approaching his wife says to her):  "Honey, there are some new neighbors moving in next door."

MRS. HOWARD:  (To Shemp):  "Yes, I noticed some of their furniture, they have some nice pieces.  SHEMP:  "Yes, swell pieces, all over the lawn."  (They both laugh).

MRS. HOWARD:  (Hands Shemp to breakfast plates and he places them on the table she comes over a couple of seconds later with a pot of coffee and a plate of toast).

MRS. HOWARD:  (Standing up and pouring both of them a cup of coffe and says to Shemp):  "You know, they are the Bass's, he is head of the "Bass Manufacturing Company" they have a lot of war contracts, bombs and things.

SHEMP:  (With a look of glee on his face and rubbing his hands in happiness says in reply to his wife):  "Oh boy, bombs." 

SHEMP:  (Picks up one of his sausages and starts flying it around lik a bomb and says "PSHEEEEEET, B-R-R-R-R-R-R, TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA, then he whistles as he sends the sausage sailing to the floor like an exploding bomb and says):  "A direct hit."  (In the meantime sweet little Herbert gets himself a treat).

MRS. HOWARD:  (Sitting down to the table and placing a napkin in her lap and letting out a sigh says to Shemp):  "I do hope the new people are nice.  Shemp, please try and not get into arguments with them like you did with the Nelson's."

SHEMP:  (In reply to his wife with his arms on the table and a look determination on his face says to his wife about the Nelson's):  "Oh, that old sour puss, always making a mountain out of a mole hill, remember how he sizzled when I burned his garage down?"  (Shemp then lets out a laugh).

MRS. HOWARD:  (To Shemp):   "You know, Shemp, I think you should get acquainted with Mr. Bass, maybe there is something you could do to help him get moved." 

SHEMP:  (As he puts salt and pepper on his eggs says to his wife):  "Sure, I can give him a hand, I'll go over right after breaksfast."

(There is a knock on the back door, Mrs. Howard starts to get up to answer the door, Shemp also stands up and gently puts his hands on her shoulder and says and she has a happy look on her face):  "Allow me, sweet maiden."

SHEMP:  (Stands up rubbing his hands as he approaches the door says):  "I wonder who that could be, it can't be the milk man, it's too late."

(Shemp goes and opens the door and does a dance of happiness and has a happy look on his face):

(Then a really beautiful lady who is Mrs. Bass says):  "How doy you do, I am Mrs. Bass from next door."

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass):  "Oh, won't you come right in."  (Shemp puts his hand on her shoulder and helps her in):  "I am always very neighborly."

MRS. BASS:  (To Shemp as he closes the back door):  "My husband has a flat tire, and I wonder if you could help him fix it?"

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass, with his wife in the background a bit mad at the way he is being super friendly to her says):  "Well isn't that hard, two minds with but a single thought, I was just going over to see if I could help you."  (Wait a minute while I get my tools).

SHEMP:  (Starts walking to the kitchen drawer, where he has his tools, which are a bunch of kitchen utensils, steps back like he remembered as a second thought says to Mrs. Bass as he points to his wife):  "I almost forgot, my mother-in-laws daughter."

(Mrs. Bass turns around and says to her while the camera is on Shemp going to get his tools from the kitchen cupboard and wrapping them in a napkin):  "Well, how do you do, I am very pleased to have you as my neighbor."

MRS. HOWARD:  (To Mrs. Bass):  "Thank you."

(Shemp returns with his "TOOLS" in the napkin and says):  "Well, bye."  (He gives Mrs. Bass a kiss on the neck while his wife has her hands on her waist and a mad look on her face).

SHEMP:  (Noticing his wife and to get out what he just did says):  "Honey, you keep moving around, you were just standing there a minute a go, I know it."

SHEMP:  (Then walks over to his wife and says):  "Believe me, when there is company here," (then he gives her hand a quick little kiss and starts to leave).

SHEMP:  (With a look of glee and happiness on his puss puts his hand on Mrs. Bass's arm and says):  "Well, this ain't getting the tire fixed."

MRS. BASS:  (As she is starting to leave with Shemp, turns around and says):  "Goodbye" (to Shemp's wife and she in return says goodbye to Mrs. Bass).

(Shemp and Mrs. Bass leave as Shemp looks back at his wife with a mad look on his face and she has one on her face for Shemp).

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON MR. BASS):

MR. BASS:  (Is standing by the flat tire):

MRS. BASS:  (To her husband):  "Darling, this is Mr. Howard, our next door neighbor."

MR. BASS:  (Extends his hand out and gives Shemp a friendly hand shake, and Mrs. Bass has a happy look on her face and Mr. Bass says):  "How do you do, and what was that name?"

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass):  "My wife calls me angel."

MR. BASS:  (Turning back to work on the flat tire says):  "Unh, hun."

MRS. BASS:  (To Shemp):  "This is my husband."

(Shemp looking at him and giving a little laugh says):  "Hun, hun, no kidding, hun,hun."

(Shemp then turns his head and stares at the driveway with a bewildered look on his face about the flat tire and says to Mrs. Bass with a happy look on his face and says to her):  "Honey, you run along.  This ain't much of a job, it's only flat on the bottom."

MRS. BASS:  (With a happy look on her face and replies to Shemp):  "Oh, all right."

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass with a look of joy on his face and gleam of happiness in his eyes):  "See ya later."  (Mrs. Bass off camera says to Shemp):  "Goodbye."

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass who has a look of madness on his face says):  "Swell, kid."

SHEMP:  (When he notices the look of madness on Mr. Bass's face says in quick reply):  "Hey, you know the old saying bud, many hands make light work."

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass):  "I'm right here with ya, then Shemp throws his "TOOLS" on the driveway."

MR. BASS:  (Hard at working pumping the tire jack to lift the flat tire).  (Shemp is helping him out by gently pressing on his shoulders and saying):  "That's it, that's it."

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass):  "Wait a minute, wait a minute, I've got it up high enough."

MR. BASS:  (To Shemp gives Shemp a look like who's got it high enough)?

SHEMP:  (Getting his "TOOLS" while Mr. Bass is looking over Shemp's shoulder to see what Shemp is going to do).

SHEMP:  (Straightening up his trousers and then kneeling down by the flat tire, takes out one of his "TOOLS" which happens to be a "NUT CRACKER.")

SHEMP:  (Gives the nut cracker a couple of tweeks and then tries to remove a lug nut from the tire then notices that Mr. Bass has left).

MR. BASS:  (Noticing that Shemp's "TOOL" was a nut cracker, leaves.  Shemp noticing that Mr. Bass is gone and gets up to look for him and finds him at the trunk, just feeling for the correct tool and Shemp says to him):  "How do you expect to find anything in there when you cannot see?  (Shemp then goes to lift up the trunk door and hits Mr. Bass square in the jaw).  (Mr. Bass is now rubbing his soar jaw with a look of pain on his face).

SHEMP:  (As Mr. Bass is rubbing his face in pain replies):  "I'll get it for you."

SHEMP:  (Opens the trunk and gets the tool and says as he is handing it over to Mr. Bass):  "Here it is right here, go ahead, go on."

(Mr. Bass still moaning from pain takes the tool from Shemp while Shemp is following him).

SHEMP:  (As the two of them approaches the flat tire says to Mr. Bass):  "It's a good thing I came over here you'd never of gotten that tire fixed.?

MR. BASS:  (Giving Shemp a look of bewilderment lets out one last moan of pain and disapprovement):

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass as the approach the flat tire says):  "Be careful of those "TOOLS."  (Refering to his napkin of kitchen utensils).

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass about the way he is using the lug wrench says):  "No, no, you're turning it the wrong way, let me do it for you."

MR. BASS:  (To Shemp, who is very well mad now at Shemp shouts):  "Get away from me, get away from me."

SHEMP:  (Says all right, all right, as he waves his hand at Mr. Bass).

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass):  "I'll get you something to hit it  with."

(Mr. Bass still working with the lug wrench mutters at Shemp with a disgusted look on his face).

SHEMP:  (Approaching the front of the car and removes a rock from underneath a front car tire that was helping hold up the car so Mr. Bass could remove the flat tire).

SHEMP:  (Removes the rock from the front tire and drops the flat tire right on Mr. Bass's foot).

MR. BASS:  (As Shemp is approaching him with the rock is yelling out in pain):  "ow, ow, ow, oh no, no, get me outta here, ow, ow, ow."  (He is waving his arms, pounding on the fender and then pounding on his fists in horrible pain).

SHEMP:  (In reply to Mr. Bass's cry of pain):  "Why did ya put your foot under there, you might of known that is wa gonna hurt ya."  (Then to make matters even worse, Shemp drops the rock on Mr. Bass's other foot).

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass who is in excruiating pain with one foot under a flat tire and the other one just being hit with a rock.  Mr. Bass is picking up the foot that was hit with the rock and rubbing it.  Then he is pulling at his hair, and sceaming in pain).  (Shemp says to him):  "Don't act like a baby, don't act like a baby, I'll get you out of there in a jiffy."

(With Mr. Bass's foot still under the flat tire, and still yelling in pain.  Shemp gets behind the driving wheel of the car, starts the car up, but instead of putting it in reverse to get the tire off of Mr. Bass's foot, Shemp puts it in drive and crashes the car right through the Bass's garage door).

(Mr. Bass has a look of horror on his face after Shemp drove the car through the garage door).

MRS. BASS:  (Come running out of the house, down the back steps to the garage and she replies)"  "My goodness, what in the world happened."  (As she puts her hand on Shemp's shoulder and gives him a look as if to say to Shemp are you all right)?

SHEMP:  (Replies to Mrs. Bass):  "Oh, the jack slipped and got his foot caught."

MRS. BASS:  (With a look of worry on her face, to her husband who still is rubbing his soar foot says to him with a caring look on her face):  "Oh, oh."

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass):  "How did you happen to marry such a clumsy ox?"

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON MR. BASS):

MR. BASS:  (Has a surprised look on his face that turns to a look that says to Shemp I would like to smack the daylights out of you).

MRS. BASS:  (In general conversation to both Shemp and her husband):  "And what happened to the garage?"

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass to get Mr. Bass in trouble and himself out of trouble):  "Why, doesn't he get his breaks fixed, if I hadn't discovered it, he might of killed someone."

MRS. BASS:  (To Shemp with a very caring and friendly look on her face says):  "Oh, thank-you."

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass with an adorning look on his face says):  "That's all right lady, glad to help anytime."

MR. BASS:  (Now thorougly perturbed to no end with Shemp picks up a board and wanting to hit Shemp with it):

MRS. BASS:  (To her husband, grabs the board out of his hand and throws it to the ground says to him):  "Jonathan, Mr. Howard has explained everything, we're so glad he was able to help weren't we?"  (Mr. Bass; "no, no, no").  (Mrs. Bass then gives Shemp a really nice and happy look while poor Mr. Bass is beyond mad at Shemp).

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass):  "Anytime."  (Now is there anyting else that I can do for you while I am here)?

MR. BASS:  (Starting to reply to Shemp, "Yeh, scram").  (But Mrs. Bass puts her hand on his mouth to shut him up):

MRS. BASS:  (With a really happy look on her face replies to Shemp):  "Oh, thank-you so much."

MRS. BASS:  (Turns to her husband and says):  "Jonathan, weren't you saying you wanted some help with that barrel of dishes?

MR. BASS:  (Now thoroughly in a daze over everything just lowers his head and says):  "Duh-duh-duh."

SHEMP:  (To Mr. and Mrs. Bass):  "All right, let's get at it while I'm still in the mood."

(Shemp is running to the barrel of dishes with Mr. Bass shouting at Shemp):  "no, oh, no I don't want to, no, no, no."

MRS. BASS:  (Anxious for Shemp's help is dragging the mad, unwilling, limping Mr. Bass over to the barrel of dishes).

MR. BASS:  (Standing there with a look of worry and bewilderment on his face as if to say):  "Please don't let him move the dishes because they are sure to get broken."

(Shemp is bending down to start and lift the barrel of dishes).

MRS. BASS:  (Talking to her husband):  "Well grab hold of it, do you want Mr. Howard to do all of the work?"

MR. BASS:  (Totally against his will and look of worry on his face, bends down and grabs the other side of the barrel of dishes).

MR. BASS:  (Standing backwards on the steps is holding the barrel of dishes solo, while Shemp "spits" on his hands to get a better hold).

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass, after Shemp gets a hold of the barrel says to him):  "What are you waiting for, music, go ahead."

(Mr. Bass is walking up the back steps going backwards carrying part of the barrel of dishes while Shemp with his half is going up forwards).

(When the two of them get to the top of the steps with the barrel of dishes in which Shemp has precariously perched on the top step with out Mr. Bass knowing it, lets go of his half and says to him):  "Now, look what you have done, Shemp goes over to pick up a couple of dishes that spilled out, while the entire barrel of dishes goes crashing down the steps.  (Camera close-up on the crashing barrel of dishes).

MR. BASS:  (After the barrel of dishes goes crashing down the steps and breaks is screaming and complaining and very upset with Shemp and all of his "HELP").

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass):  "Take it easy bub, they're not all broken."

MR. BASS:  (To Shemp):  "Don't tell me."

(Mr. Bass starts to go down the steps to check out how many dishes actually got broken, slips on a coffee cup on the landing and goes flying down the stairs and lands head first right into the barrel of dishes).

SHEMP:  (Standing at the top of the stairs, shouts as he claps his hands and has a happy look on his face says):  "A hole in one."

SHEMP:  (Running down the steps to help Mr. Bass, finds him in the barrel of dishes in a combination of pain and sheer, utter madness).

SHEMP:  (Reaching into the barrel gets hold of Mr. Bass's legs and starts pulling and yanking at his legs furiously trying to get him from the barrel, all the while poor Mr. Bass who is stuck in the barrel is yelling to Shemp in a painful and garbled type of a voice):  "Leave me alone."

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass who is still stuck in the barrel and Shemp is tugging at his legs asks Mr. Bass):  "Do you have your hands in your pockets?"  (Shemp is looking down the barrel at Mr. Bass).

(Mr. Bass still stuck in the barrel is shouting up at Shemp with a garbled and mad sounding voice says to Shemp):  "Get me outta here."

SHEMP:  (Taking hold of the barrel lays it down first and rolls it around to try and get Mr. Bass out and when that doesn't work Shemp turns it upside down with the open end and Mr. Bass towards the ground Shemp says to Mr. Bass):  "Don't worry, I'll get you out in a minute."

SHEMP:  (As he goes and fetches an axe):  "Starts to chop at the barrel, giving it two good hard whacks and completely removes the bottom of the barrel with the poor frantic Mr. Bass still in there).

(The now very well bruised and battered and perturbed poor Mr. Bass sticks his head out of the barrel and takes a deep breath).

SHEMP:  (Not seeing Mr. Bass, gives the barrel one more good, hard whack, but it wasn't the barrel that Shemp whacked, it was poor Mr. Bass's head to which with a look of sorry ness on his face Shemp said to him):  "Why didn't you tell me that you were coming up?"

SHEMP:  (Running over to the badly beaten up Mr. Bass who is moaning deeply in pain and a painful look on his face and rubbing his badly beaten head.  Gets hold of Mr. Bass's arms to help him out and says to him):  "I'll get ya, take it easy now."

(The now beyond furious Mr. Bass, who is now free from the barrel with a look of sheer and utter madness and hate on his face gets ready to ball up his fists yells at Shemp):  "Why you-------------"

(Mrs. Bass come over to see what all of the commotion is about).

SHEMP:  (First to Mr. Bass):  "Hey wait a minute."

(Then to make poor Mr. Bass look like the victim of circumstance says to Mrs. Bass):  "I really fixed things this time, does he always have this much trouble?"

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON MR. BASS):

(Mr. Bass has a look "that could kill" of sheer madness at Shemp):

MRS. BASS:  (In reply to Shemp):  "Why I hadn't noticed?"

(Mr. Bass who is now at the "boiling point" of madness with Shemp picks up an axe and attempts to hit Shemp with it).

MRS. HOWARD:  (Comes over with a pie in her hand and says to the Bass's):  "I am so glad that my Shemp has been able to help you."

MRS. BASS:  (To Mrs. Howard with a happy and appreciative look on face says):  "In deed, I do not know what Mr. Bass and I would of done without him."

(Mr. Bass with a look of true madness on his face and rubbing his badly beaten head is standing behind Mrs. Howard who has a look of glee on her face).

MRS. HOWARD:  (After knowing who Mr. Bass was after his wife's introduction says to him in a very friendly voice):  "Oh, you're the Mr. Bass, I've heard so much about."

(Mr. Bass is looking at Mrs. Howard with a bewildered look on his face).

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON MRS. BASS AND SHEMP):

MRS. BASS:  (Says):  "Bass Site Super X the most powerful explosive in the world, isn't it Jonathan?"

(Mr. Bass now has a look of pride on his face and nods his head in agreement to what his wife just said).

SHEMP:  (Replies to Mr. Bass):  "Say bub, you ain't as dumb as I thought."

MRS. HOWARD:  (Cutting in on Shemp's compliment says):  "I almost forgot, what I came over for, I thought you folks might like a snack so I baked this pie for you."  (She then hands the pie to Mrs. Bass).

MRS. BASS:  (In response to Mrs. Howards kind gesture says):  "Oh, isn't that lovely."

MRS. HOWARD:  (Replying to Mrs. Bass):  "I do hope you enjoy it."

(Mrs. Bass then sets the pie down on a chair in the yard).

(Mrs. Howard puts her arm around Shemps' shoulders and says):  "Come on Shemp, we'll see you folks later."  Shemp turns around and says, "Yeh, bye."  (Waves his hand good bye).  "If you want me just call."  (Mrs. Bass):  "Why, thank-you."

(The poor really bedraggled Mr. Bass approaches his happy wife and says to her):  "Annie, I just can't stand one more thing.  Ever since I set eyes on that human horsefly, one bad thing after another has happened to me."

MRS. BASS:  (Tenderly takes her husband by the arm and leads him to a chair and says to him):  "Now, now Jonathan, you come over here, relax, sit down."

(Mr. Bass, hiccupping takes her advice and sits down to relax).

(Mr Bass goes to sit down in a chair which happens to be the same chair with the pie on it.  When he realizes what had happened looks at his wife with a quizzical look on his face and speaks in a tone of voice that expresses question, wonder and worry says):  "Annie, what did you do with the pie?  Tell me you did put it away didn't you, tell me you did put it away didn't you?, tell me you did."  Then in a voice of hurt and feeling stupid stands up with a sheepish look on his face and moans).  "oh, oh, oh, oh."

(Mr. Bass then stands up realizing what he had done, sitting on  the pie stands up with the pie glued to his backside).

MRS.  BASS:  (Also has a dumbfounded look on her face, puts her hand on her cheek and whispers):  "Oh."

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON THE BASS'S BASEMENT):

MR. BASS:  (Entering in carrying a whicker basket with bottles of missal fluid in it).

(Just after Mr. Bass has put two bottles on the shelf Shemp walks in and says to Mr. Bass):  "What a joint, what a lay-out?

MR. BASS:  (After hearing Shemp turns around and has a look of discontent on his face and puts his hands that are balled up into fists and then heaves out a sigh of discussed).

SHEMP:  (Talking to the begrunttled Mr. Bass says to him).  "I have a little laboratory in my basement, but not like this of course, but neat and efficient.  I got a boiler in the laundry stove, and a couple of yards of copper tubing and a product that is terrific).

SHEMP:  (Then takes a flask from his pocket, pats it twice and then shows it to Mr. Bass and says):  "Look at the beads on that, that is a "SHEMP SPECIAL."  (home brewed whiskey).

SHEMP:  (Removes the cork from the flask of "SHEMP SPECIAL" and says):  "That's what I am experimenting with, take a whiff of that.  (Shemp then shoves the bottle under Mr. Bass's nose).

(Mr. Bass takes a whiff and then he coughs and chokes at the smell of it and after rubbing his nose he says to Shemp):  "What on earth is that?

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass in a happy reply)  That is "SHEMP SPECIAL".  "One slug of that and I am in the pink, two slugs and I am in the dog house."  Shemp goes to offer Mr. Bass a slug and has noticed that Mr. Bass has left the basement and he is running up the basement steps to get away from Shemp.  Then turns around and looks down the basement steps).

SHEMP:  (Says as he is putting the corks back into the flask):  "What happened, he out flanked me." (Then Shemp goes up the basement steps to find Mr. Bass).

SHEMP:  (Running up the basement steps to find Mr. Bass, while Mr. Bass goes and hides from Shemp).

SHEMP:  (After he comes up from the basement starts to run over to a ladder to look behind it for Mr. Bass, but he backs up and notices a bomb underneath an outside work bench, goes to pick it up and staggers a bit to get his balance back after picking it up, laughs a small laugh and then takes  the bomb and starts to fly it saying):  "Ta, ta, ta, ta, vazit, vazit, blug, blug, blug, too, too, too, shoooooo, boom, muuuuuut."

MR. BASS:  (Just came down the stairs and heard Shemp and looked over to see what he was doing and says):  "Well, Mr. Howard, are you still helping my husband?"

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass):  "Well I haven't really exhausted myself as yet, but give me time, give me time."  (Mrs. Bass then laughs).

MRS. BASS:  (To Shemp):  "Lovely day, isn't it?

SHEMP:  (Still holding the bomb and watches Mrs. Bass walk away to hang a couple of coats on a clothes line says):  "It sure is lovely, yes in deed lovely."

MRS. BASS:  (As she turns around from the clothes line and looking up at the sky says):  "Well, I didn't think it was that lovely."

SHEMP:  (To Mrs. Bass still holding onto the bomb says to her):  "Saving this for the Fourth Of July?"

MRS. BASS:  (Turns around and runs over to Shemp and says):  "Oh no, that's my husband's block buster, you know if that were filled with "BASS SIDE" it would be equivalent to a 1,000 pound bomb."

SHEMP:  (With a look of glee on his face replies to Mrs. Bass):  "Ah, no kiddin'."  (Then Shemp starts flying the bomb as says):  "Vazit, vazit, vazit, vazit."

HERBERT:  (Notices Shemp and runs over to see him, Shemp bends over and says to cute, lovely, adorable, little Herbert):  "Hey Herbert, shut your eyes, I'm gonna bomb Okinawa."

SHEMP:  (To Herbert):  "Go ahead and look at me take off."

(Shemp with the bomb in his hand and Herbert barking at him in glee says):  "B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R" as he is climbing up a ladder with the bomb, when Shemp is at the top of the ladder with the bomb says):  "Bomb a data, pilot, steady on course."

(Mr. Bass just walked out of the back door has noticed Shemp up on the ladder with the bomb and Mr. Bass has a scared and panic look on his face, raises a finger and shouts to Shemp):  "Look out you idiot, that bomb is loaded."

(Shemp then becomes nervous and starts fiddling with the bomb trying not to drop it and Mr. Bass wearing a torn shirt runs over and grabs Shemp so he doesn't fall off of the ladder and drop it saying):  "Look out, look out, put it in my hands."

(Shemp and Mr. Bass are both on the ladder, Shemp is shaking and twitching trying not to drop the bomb and Mr. Bass is trying to take it from Shemp's hands, they both fall of the ladder to the ground and Shemp is still holding onto the bomb).

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON THE SWEET AND LOVING HERBERT):

HERBERT:  (Is hiding behind a tree next to the storage barn).

(After both Mr. Bass and Shemp hits the ground they both roll over and Mr. Bass grabs the bomb from Shemp's hands saying as he goes to place it on a work shelf on the back porch and Shemp is getting off of the ground says):  "Give me that, you dumbbell, if you would of dropped that you would of blown up the whole neighborhood."

(Shemp is following Mr. Bass as Mr. Bass goes to sit on the edge of a saw horse and Shemp starting to go and sit on another saw horse that has a loose board on it, but before Shemp sits down says to Mr. Bass):  "The way you are talking, I did not do it on purpose, I live in this neighborhood too."

(Shemp still standing looses his balance and falls backwards and hits a board that is on the other saw horse and he sends the bomb sailing).

MR. BASS:  (Shouting to Shemp as the bomb is sailing in the air):  "Duck," (and the two of them go diving onto the grass, stomach down and Shemp is holding his ears and they both have scared looks on their faces).

(The bomb comes whistling down to the ground and lands a couple of feet in front of them and goes "PFIT."  (The bomb turns out to be a dud).

MR. BASS:  (To Shemp as the two of them are still laying on the grass says to Shemp in avery perplexed voice about his experiment):  "That's suppose to be 14 times stronger than TNT and all it does is go "PFIT."

MR. BASS:  (To Shemp):  "I'm ruined, thousands of people are going to be out of work, and I'm going to have to close down my plant."

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass, they are stilling sitting on the lawn and Mr. Bass is crying in dismay):  "Don't be discouraged old man, don't be discouraged, take a slug of "SHEMP SPECIAL."

SHEMP:  (Takes the flask from his pocket, removes the cork and hands it over to Mr. Bass saying):  "Go ahead, it will steam you up, go ahead."

(Mr. Bass takes the flask from Shemp and takes a drink of it and he spits it out and there is steam coming out of his ears and he throws the flask to the ground).

(Shemp reaches over and picks up the flask and says to Mr. Bass):  "Give me that, what's the matter got gas on your stomach?"

(Shemp reaches over and starts to pat Mr. Bass on the back and then on the chest who has steam coming out of his ears and a look of pain on his face, then Shemp says):  "What's the matter kid?"

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON SHEMP):

(Shemp is laying down in a "LOUNGE CHAIR:"  (that is made of an old bath tub, a chair cushion and a board for the back).  He is laying down, with his legs crossed and a bunch of grapes in his hand raised over his mouth and he is eating them and rubbing his throat after each one helping to get them down, after Shemp has eaten his fifth one he spits the seed, and bell sounds like he just won a prize at the county fair.  Mrs. Howard is next to him tending her flower garden).

SHEMP:  (Gets up and notices her, takes a handkerchief from his pocket and pats her on the forehead with it and says):  "Ah, honey, it'll cloud up, don't worry."

SHEMP:  (Notices that she is using a small garden spade to break up the ground and says to her):  "Oh, don't ever use that, you will get ground shoulder, I'll get you something to straighten you out."

SHEMP:  (Then turns around and finds a rake and takes it to her and says):  "Just move it up and down, fast."

(Mrs. Howard stands up and takes the rake from Shemp's hand and does what he just told her about breaking ground to plant new flowers).

(As Mrs. Howard is tending to the flower garden, Shemp straightens up his trousers and starts to walk aimlessly, just gazing up at the sky).

(Mrs. Howard is still tending her flower garden when Mrs. Bass walks over and says):  "Good morning, Mrs. Howard, I just had to come over and see you.  I'm so worried about my husband, do you know he spent all last night working in his lab, didn't even stop to eat, and your husband, he acts just like a tonic to him."

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON SHEMP):

(He is making goo goo eyes at Mrs. Bass and has a look of pride on his face).

(Shemp says to both Mrs. Bass and his wife):  "Why talk of failure at a time like this, I'll straighten him up in no time.  (Shemp raising his hands in a gesture of it's no bother, while Mrs. Bass and Shemp's wife both are smiling and Shemp says):  "Don't thank me, don't thank me, it's a mans rifle."

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON SHEMP):

(Shemp is leaving to go and see Mr. Bass and steps on the rake and smacks himself square in the puss as he is staggering in pain, while his wife and Mrs. Bass are looking at Shemp to see if he is all right and his wife says to him):  "Did you hurt yourself?"  (SHEMP):  "No, it was lightning."

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON MR. BASS):

(Mr. Bass is standing on a ladder trying to get down a bottle of chemicals).

(Shemp walks in with the camera still on Mr. Bass and Shemp says):  "Hi neighbor, hear you are having a little trouble, surprise you didn't call on me?"

MR. BASS:  (Still on the ladder and is looking down at Shemp with one hand on his waist and says):  "Hey buddy, can't you find something to do at home, something that will occupy that teeny, tiny mind of yours?"

(Mr. Bass now turns around to finish getting down his bottle of chemicals and Shemp says):  "Yes my friend, but my feelings would be hurt."

(Camera is still on Mr. Bass who is still on the ladder and having a bit of trouble reaching the bottle he wants).

SHEMP:  (To Mr. Bass noticing that he is having a bit of trouble says to Mr. Bass, as Shemp climbs up the ladder next to Mr. Bass):  "Let me get that for you."

SHEMP:  (Still climbing up the ladder while Mr. Bass is yelling at him):  "No, no, get down, get down, I'll get it myself."

(With Shemp insisting on getting the bottle for Mr. Bass climbs up on the ladder and sends poor Mr. Bass crashing to the floor in pain and madness).

SHEMP:  (Now has the moonshine jug of chemicals and removes the cork from it and says):  "A little shot of this, and your backside will be all right."

SHEMP:  (Still on the ladder with the camera on him, removes the cork from the moonshine jug, and takes a whiff, which causes him to sneeze).

MR. BASS:  (Sitting on the floor and is very disgusted at Shemp in pain and worriment and clapping his hands and notices that Shemp is playing with the chemical jug shouts to Shemp):  "Hey, hey, be careful, oh, look out, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, look out."

SHEMP:  (Takes another whiff and sneezes once again which causes Shemp to throw the jug and hitting poor Mr. Bass right on the head with it, and knocking poor Mr. Bass out cold).

SHEMP:  (Still on the ladder and lets out a third sneeze, which causes the ladder to give way from under him, and Shemp is hanging on the top of the chemicals shelves and Mr. Bass is still on the floor rubbing his head in both pain and disgust).

SHEMP:  (Looses his grip and comes down to the floors bringing an entire set of shelves with him, crashing to the floor).

(CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON MR. BASS):

MR. BASS:  (Who is now sitting on the floor with pieces of broken bottles on him, and a look of thorough perterbness and pain on his puss).

(Mr. Bass is now getting up from the floor and Shemp is up righting the shelves says to Mr. Bass):  "If you hadn't jumped off that ladder none of this would of happened."

(Mr. Bass, now totally at his wits end and a look of sheer madness on his face yells at the top of his lungs):  "JUMPED."

(Mr. Bass who is now beyond the point of madness with Shemp and is fumigating goes over to a wall in the laboratory and takes down an axe).

SHEMP:  (Noticing Mr. Bass with the axe asks him):  "What are you gonna do, split some wood?"

MR. BASS:  (To Shemp who is so far passed mad at Shemp says):  "No, I'm splittin' your head."

(Shemp then turns and yells "WHOA" and starts to run out of the laboatory and steps on one of the chemical  bottles and sends it crashing down on poor Mr. Bass's head).

(Shemp is now hiding under Mr. Bass's work station, and Mr. Bass is wabbling around from the crash on his head from the chemical bottle).

MR. BASS:  (Is walking around the laboratory looking for Shemp and notices that Shemp is underneath the work station).

MR. BASS:  (Noticing Shemp under the work station, lets out a sigh, picks up a shovel and spits on it and gets ready to hit Shemp with it.  He then gives Shemp a good swift whack on Shemp's right shoulder and Shemp screams out in pain).

(Shemp now gets up from underneath the work station, being chased by Mr. Bass who now beyond being thoroughly mad at Shemp).

(With Shemp on one side of the work station, and Mr. Bass on the other side Shemp says to Mr. Bass):  "Here you are brother, (and he takes a flask of "SHEMP SPECIAL" from his pocket). "One slug of this and your troubles will go up in smoke."

(Shemp then starts to pour Mr. Bass a slug of it into what Shemp thought was an empty glass, but turned out to be a beacon full of chemicals).

(With the blending of the chemical and "SHEMP SPECIAL" the beacon starts boiling).

MR. BASS:  (Now has a look of glee and happiness on his face as he watches the beacon boil, thinking to himself that this would be his new bomb fluid).

MRS. BASS:  (Walks over to Shemp calm and happy and Shemp said to him):  "That's all your backside needed, was a jigger of "SHEMP SPECIAL."

(Mr. Bass then extends his hand to Shemp in friendship and says):  "Thanks."

(The beacon of mis-matched chemicals blows up completely destroying Mr. Bass's laboratory).

THE SHORT ENDS:

(With both Mr. Bass and Shemp standing in the totally destroyed laboratory, with pieces on them, and in a haze of exploded chemicals).