Films of the Stooges, The (Larry, Curly & Moe... The Columbia Shorts)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2003-08-29
[ open inside of a living room; Moe and Larry are
worriedly walking around in circles and eventually almost
bump into each other. The Stooges’ wives are sitting down
and watching ]
[ The door to a bedroom opens and Claude enters; Moe and Larry run over to him ]
MOE: Tell me -- how is he, Claude?
CLAUDE: [ holding a bottle of sleeping pills ] I gave him one of these sleeping pills about 10 minutes ago. That’s the best thing in the world for him -- rest and sleep.
SHEMP’S WIFE: But don’t you think we ought to call a doctor?
CLAUDE: Why throw money away? I can take care of Shemp better than any doctor.
MOE: Sure he can!
CLAUDE: [ handing Moe the bottle ] Just follow the directions until I get back. I’m gonna get my doctor book. We’ll have Shemp as good as new. [ leaves ]
MOE: Sure! [ reading the instructions on the bottle ] “Take one pill, wait 15 minutes, then take a second pill.â€
LARRY: Hey, it’s time for the second pill. 15 minutes.
MOE: Right, let’s go.
[ Moe and Larry walk towards the bedroom ]
MOE: [ to Shemp’s wife ] Now don’t worry about everything. Everything will be al... [ bumps into the wall ] Oh! [ to the wife ] Now, don’t worry!
[ Moe and Larry enter the bedroom; Shemp is snoring under the covers of the bed ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Shh!
[ Moe and Larry look at Shemp under the covers ]
MOE: Aw, he’s sleepin’ like a baby. It’s a shame to disturb him!
LARRY: Yeah, but he’s gotta take his second pill so he can sleep!
MOE: Maybe you got somethin’ there!
[ Moe opens the top of the blankets expecting to see Shemp’s head, but sees Shemp’s feet instead ]
MOE: Okay, kid, we... [ does a double take ]
[ Moe and Larry go to the other end of the covers and open it, revealing Shemp’s head ]
MOE AND LARRY: [ dragging Shemp out of the bed ] C’mon! C’mon, kid! C’mon! C’mon! C’mon!
MOE: You gotta take a pill!
SHEMP: [ still half-asleep ] What, again???
MOE: Yeah, again! [ handing Shemp a pill ] Here.
[ Shemp puts the pill in his mouth ]
MOE: [ handing Shemp a glass of water ] C’mon.
[ Shemp drinks the water down ]
MOE: Down the hatch!
[ Shemp hands Moe back the glass of water after he swallows the pill ]
SHEMP: [ walking towards the bed ] Aw, lemme get back to...
MOE: [ grabbing him back ] Oh, not so fast! You gotta follow instructions. Now that you’ve taken a pill, you gotta skip an hour. [ to Larry ] Get him the rope! [ grabs the rope himself and hands it to Shemp ] Here, take that! ‘ Now skip!
[ Shemp begins literally skipping away with his feet ]
MOE: [ grabbing him back ] Hey, hey, hey!! C’mon! [ puts each end of the rope in Shemp’s hands ] Here, one in each hand.
SHEMP: Ohh.
MOE: Start skippin’!
[ Shemp begins jump roping ]
SHEMP: [ walking back towards the bed ] That’s that...
LARRY: [ pushing him back ] No, no! We’ll let you know when the hour’s up!
MOE: Continue!
[ Moe and Larry lay down on the bed as Shemp continues jump roping. When Shemp sees that Moe and Larry are asleep, he stops jump roping and walks towards the bed ]
SHEMP: Well, that’s that!
MOE AND LARRY: [ suddenly awakening ] SKIP!!!!!
SHEMP: Cut it out, fellas! You’ll wake me up! [ continues to jump rope, then trips and falls on the floor ]
[ Dissolve to the living room; Claude walks in the front door holding a bood ]
CLAUDE: [ to the wives ] Where are the boys?
SHEMP’S WIFE: Why, they’ve been in with Shemp for over an hour!
CLAUDE: They have?! [ walks in the bedroom and notices all the Stooges sleeping ] HEY!!!!
[ The Stooges suddenly awake and Shemp quickly continues jump roping ]
CLAUDE: [ stopping Shemp ] What’s the big idea?!
MOE: He’s following the instructions on the bottle!
LARRY: Yeah, it says “Take two pills, and skip an hour.â€
CLAUDE: Ya dopes! That means to wait an hour before you give him his next pill!
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Now he tells us!
CLAUDE: I’ve got my doctor book right here. [ grabs Shemp by the arm and walks over to the bed ] I’ll have his case diagnosed in nothing flat! [ to Shemp ] You sit right down there.
[ Shemp and Claude sit down on the bed, and Moe and Larry crawl behind them ]
[ Claude takes a hammer and taps Shemp’s knee with it. Shemp yawns, but his leg does nothing. Claude taps Shemp’s knee again and nothing happens. Claude looks at Moe and Larry in confusion. Then when he’s about to tap Shemp’s knee once more, Shemp’s leg finally reflexes. Claude holds Shemp’s head and looks inside his mouth ]
CLAUDE: Aha! Oh-ho!
LARRY: Oh-ho!
SHEMP: What is it, doc???
CLAUDE: Nothing!
[ Claude pulls up Shemp’s shirt a little bit and looks at his side ]
CLAUDE: He’s got a rash! [ pointing to his book ] It tells ya right here a rash may be caused by excessive use of the gray matter of the brain.
MOE: Oh, it must be something else.
SHEMP: Sure! It can’t be that!
CLAUDE: It also says a rash may be caused by a bad tooth.
LARRY: You got somethin’ there!
CLAUDE: Let’s have a look. [ opens Shemp’s mouth and moves his fingers against the teeth ]
SHEMP: Ugh!
CLAUDE: None of ‘em came out -- yet! [ grabs a hammer, then looks in Shemp’s mouth again ] Here, open wide.
[ Shemp opens his mouth further; Claude taps his hammer on one tooth on the right side, making a high pitched dinging sound ]
SHEMP: Ohh! Ugh!
[ Claude taps another tooth around the center, making another high pitched sound ]
SHEMP: Ah!
[ Claude taps a tooth on the left side, making a louder and more painful dinging sound ]
SHEMP: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
CLAUDE: Aha! That’s the one!
SHEMP: [ holding his tooth in pain ] Are you tellin’ me!
CLAUDE: [ to Larry ] Get me a piece of strong string!
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
SHEMP: Whaddaya gonna do, doc?!
CLAUDE: I’m gonna pull that bad tooth.
SHEMP: Is it gonna hoit?
CLAUDE: No, I don’t think so.
[ Larry returns with a string ]
LARRY: [ handing the string to Claude ] Here’s the string.
[ Claude begins tying the string to Shemp’s bad tooth ]
MOE: Tie a nice sailor’s knot!
[ Claude continues ]
MOE: Got it around?
CLAUDE: Yeah!
MOE: Fine!
[ Claude gets up and begins walking towards the window, while pulling on the other end of the string ]
CLAUDE: [ to Shemp ] Follow me.
[ Shemp gets up and quickly follows Claude, followed by Moe and Larry. They arrive at the window ]
MOE: [ pushing Shemp down into a chair ] Sit down!
[ Claude ties the end of the string to a string for the blinds ]
CLAUDE: [ to Shemp ] All set?
SHEMP: [ mumbling ] Mmmm...
[ Claude pulls the blinds up, causing the string to yank Shemp’s tooth ]
SHEMP: [ painfully ] MMMM!!!
[ The blinds fall down and hit the top of Claude’s head ]
CLAUDE: Ow!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Easy kid!
SHEMP: Mmm! Mmmm! Ohhh!!
MOE: Quiet! [ to Larry ] Larry, untie that line!
[ Larry unties the end of Shemp’s tooth string from the blind string ]
MOE: We’ll do it the old, reliable way. [ walks towards a door while pulling Shemp’s tooth string ] C’mon.
SHEMP: Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
MOE: Take it easy, kid! [ begins tying the end of Shemp’s tooth string to a doorknob ] We’ll have that thing out before you can say “Ticonderoga†-- if you can say “Ticonderogaâ€! [ pushing Shemp back ] Now back up just a bit. Okay, sonny boy?
SHEMP: Mmm...
MOE: Ready...HUP!
[ Moe slams the door shut, but instead of the doorknob pulling Shemp’s tooth out, the doorknob ends up getting pulled out instead ]
SHEMP: Mmm...Mmm...OHH! OH!! OH!! OHH... [ sees the doorknob hanging at the end of his tooth string ] Oh, what a tooth! No wonder it was killin’ me!
MOE: You nitwit! That’s the doorknob!
SHEMP: Oh, yeah???
MOE: [ pushing Shemp’s arm away ] C’mon!
[ The end of the string with the doorknob tied to it flies up and hits Claude in the eye ]
CLAUDE: OH!!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You imbecile! All we’re tryin’ to do is give ya a hand here so you can get outta...
[ Claude angrily yanks the end of the string with the doorknob, causing the other end of the string to pull out Shemp’s tooth, and pulling him into a chair ]
SHEMP: WHOA! OH!! OHH!!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp back up ]
SHEMP: I’m dead! I’m tired! He shot me! Get a doctor! Do somethin’!
MOE: Oh, quiet, pickle-puss! All he did was pull your tooth!
SHEMP: Is that all? [ sees Claude holding the string with his tooth at the end of it ] Thanks, I feel like a million bucks!
[ Shemp suddenly falls over, but Moe and Larry catch him ]
MOE: Easy!
CLAUDE: You’ll soon be a well man, especially if you go away for a couple of weeks.
MOE: Yeah, we go... [ a beat ] Wait a minute! We haven’t got a car!
CLAUDE: Ah, you lucky people! I’ve got a car. It isn’t exactly brand-new, but it’s in perfect condition.
LARRY: How much?
CLAUDE: I’ll letcha steal it from me for $900.
MOE: We’ll take it!
CLAUDE: Fine, I’ll have it here in the morning. And to show you I’m a right guy, I’ll letcha have my camping outfit. I’ll bring it over tonight. [ leaves ]
MOE: That’s whatcha call a real pal!
LARRY: Yeah, we can camp near a lake and catch all the fish we can eat! You know, fish is great brain food.
MOE: You know, you should fish for a whale! [ slaps Larry ] Get outta here!
[ Shemp unconsciously falls back into a chair ]
MOE: Hey, Larry! Shemp passed out! Get some water!
SHEMP: [ suddenly comes back to ] No, champagne! [ closes his eyes again ]
MOE AND LARRY: [ grabbing Shemp’s hair ] C’mon!
[ Shemp’s left cheek begins rapidly swelling in and out ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Look! Must’ve left a root in there!
LARRY: Ohh!
[ Moe looks inside of Shemp’s mouth ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges and wives setting up the camping equipment on the floor in the living room ]
LARRY: Hey, Moe?
MOE: What?
LARRY: Don’t you think we oughta practice puttin’ this tent up before we leave?
MOE: I think you got somethin’ there, porcupine!
SHEMP: Let’s ask Claude how to do it.
MOE: Nonsense! I know all about tents. Let’s go!
[ The Stooges begin setting the tent up ]
SHEMP: I used to be a boy scout!
MOE: Raise that pole! Lift that tent!
[ The Stooges raise the pole and the tent ]
LARRY: Further! Further!
[ Moe looks at Larry angrily, then pushes the pole in Larry’s face ]
LARRY: OOH! Oh, wiseguy! [ pushes the pole into Moe’s face ]
MOE: OOH! Remind me to murder you later!
LARRY: I’ll make a note of it!
[ Moe pushes the pole in Larry’s face again ]
[ The Stooges continue to set the tent up ]
MOE: Get it up, boy! [ holding one end of the tent up ] Gimme the other pole, Shemp!
[ Shemp walks up to Moe with the pole ]
MOE: Right under my arm here.
SHEMP: Right under the arm, I’ll get it.
MOE: Right up here!
SHEMP: Watch your arm! [ places the pole on Moe’s end of the tent ] How was that?
MOE: Pretty good.
SHEMP: Alright.
MOE: [ to his wife ] Narcissus!
[ Moe’s wife comes over ]
MOE: Hold this pole. [ to Shemp ] Alright, tie it off, dummy! [ pushes Shemp away ]
SHEMP: Alright, alright!
[ Shemp ties one end of the tent to the leg of a table; Moe ties another end to a lamp; Larry ties the last end to the doorknob to the closed bedroom door; The tent is now fully put up ]
[ Larry’s wife opens the bedroom door from outside, pulling the tent down ]
MOE’S WIFE: AAAAHHH!!!
[ The middle of the tent caves in and Moe and Shemp’s wives falls down. Then the lamp is pulled down and knocks Moe’s head ]
MOE: OOH!
[ The table leg is pulled, causing a vase to fall of the table and on Shemp’s head ]
SHEMP: OOH!
LARRY: [ to his wife ] Next time you come in, knock first - - and then DON’T COME IN!!!!
MOE: [ throwing his lamp down ] Why, you!
[ Larry’s wife angrily walks back into the bedroom ]
LARRY: [ following her ] And furthermore, I’ll tell you...
[ Larry’s wife slams the bedroom door into Larry’s face ]
[ Shemp and Moe help Shemp’s wife out from under the tent ]
SHEMP: Honey, what are you doin’ under there???
[ Shemp’s wife slaps him ]
SHEMP: OH!
MOE: [ to Shemp’s wife ] Say, he’s my brother!
SHEMP’S WIFE: Yeah, well he’s my husband! [ slaps Moe ]
MOE: OOH!
MOE’S WIFE: [ to Shemp’s wife ] Wait a minute! He’s my husband! [ slaps Moe ]
MOE: OOH!
LARRY: [ stepping in ] Girls, girls...
[ Moe and Shemp’s wives slap Larry on back of the head ]
LARRY: OOH!
MOE: What are ya playin’ around about?! C’mon, get this tent up! C’mon!
[ The Stooges begin stetting the tent back up ]
MOE: Narcissus!
[ Fade-out ]
[ Fade-in to Claude driving an old looking car in front of the Stooges’ house, then stopping ]
[ The Stooges exit the house with luggage and fishing gear in their arms. They stop when they see Claude’s car ]
MOE: Oh, boy, a super-deluxe special!
SHEMP: Yeah, and all trimmed with [ ? ].
[ Claude walks up to the Stooges ]
CLAUDE: Well, boys, there she is!
LARRY: Yeah, but what is it???
CLAUDE: A Columbus.
SHEMP: Never mind who you bought it from. What make is that?
CLAUDE: I told you, a Columbus!
MOE: I thought he came over in a boat.
CLAUDE: Ha, ha! You couldn’t find another car like that if you searched for weeks.
SHEMP: That I can believe!
CLAUDE: Okay, okay, wiseguys! Wait’ll you step on the gas and feel the smooth flow of power under that hood.
MOE: You better be right, chum!
CLAUDE: Don’t you worry about a thing! Well, I gotta get breakfast. See ya before you take off. [ leaves ]
SHEMP: Alright, fellas, let’s get loaded.
LARRY: Wait a minute, you know I don’t drink!
MOE: [ hits Larry on back of the head with a fishing pole ] Go on, “Muscle Boundâ€! Go on!
[ The Stooges walk up to the car. Shemp and Larry go on one side, and Moe goes on the other ]
MOE: Hurry up; we gotta get started!
[ Shemp throws one suitcase into the car, but it slides out to the other side and hits Moe on the head ]
MOE: OH! [ turning to Shemp and Larry ] Why...
[ Shemp throws another bag in the car, and it slides out and hits Moe again ]
MOE: OH! Hey, fellas!
SHEMP: Yeah?
MOE: C’mere!
[ Shemp and Larry run towards the other side of the car to Moe ]
SHEMP: He must’ve found the road map!
[ Shemp and Larry arrive ]
LARRY: Yeah, what is it?
[ Moe double-slaps Shemp and Larry ]
SHEMP: OH!
MOE: Whaddaya tryin’ to do -- ruin the baggage?!
[ A tire on the car deflates and makes a hissing sound ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Whaddaya hissin’ me for?
SHEMP: I’m not hissin’ you -- but it’s not a bad idea!
MOE: [ raising his arm ] Why... [ notices the tire deflating ] How do ya like that? A flat tire! Get the jack and take the wheel off; I’ll get the spare!
[ Moe walks to the back of the car as Shemp and Larry get the jack ]
LARRY: [ handing Shemp a wheel screwdriver ] Here you are. Here.
[ Larry begins lifting the wheel with the jack as Shemp begins unscrewing the tire ]
[ Moe is having trouble unhooking the spare tire on back of the car ]
MOE: Hmm, stubborn, eh?
[ Shemp pulls the screwdriver too hard and accidentally hits Larry’s head with it ]
LARRY: Ohh!
SHEMP: [ half-heartedly ] Oh, I’m sorry.
[ Larry hits Shemp on the head with a tire iron ]
SHMEP: OOH! OOH!
LARRY: Careful, would ya?!
MOE: Hey, quit monkeyin’ around, you guys!
[ Shemp and Larry begin to take the wheel off ]
LARRY: There! Ha, ha, ha!
[ Shemp and Larry have trouble getting the wheel past the jack ]
LARRY: What’ll we do now???
SHEMP: I wonder how they got the tire on...
[ Cut to a crazy-looking man peeking his head out from behind some nearby bushes, looking at the Stooges ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Easy!
SHEMP [ o-c ] That’s right, just... No!
[ Cut back to Shemp and Larry ]
SHEMP: Maybe if I had a hatchet and we could chop it...
LARRY: Aw, c’mon! C’mon!
SHEMP: Alright.
[ Moe takes the spare tire off the back of the car and walks over to Shemp and Larry ]
MOE: [ places the spare tire behind Shemp ] What seems to be the trouble?
SHEMP: We can’t get the tire past the jack!
MOE: Why, you nitwits! [ pulling Shemp up by the ear ] Get up outta there!
SHEMP: OHH! OHHH!!!
MOE: You wanna get hurt? Let a man do it that knows how! You gotta use your brain! All you do is give it one quick jerk!
[ The jack falls off of the wheel and the wheel falls on top of Moe’s foot, crunching it ]
MOE: OHH!! Oh, my foot My foot is cut off! Help! Oh-oh!!
[ Shemp and Larry try to help Moe out ]
SHEMP: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
MOE: That-That’s it! Help me!
LARRY: Take it easy!
SHEMP: Is it out yet? Is it out?
MOE: No!
SHEMP: Wait a minute, wait a minute. [ grabbing a hatchet ] Here, I’ll chop it out!
MOE: Yeah... [ does a double-take ] Wait a minute! [ grabs the hatchet away and hits Shemp on the head with the back end ] What’s the matta wicha?!
SHEMP: OOH!
[ Larry puts a tire iron under Moe’s foot and tries to lift it, but the tire iron bends instead ]
MOE: Get me out! Oh, my foot!
[ Cut to the crazy-looking man crawling out from the bushes and looking at the Stooges ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Oh, oh, oh!
[ Cut back to the Stooges, where Shemp and Larry finally pull Moe’s foot out from under the tire. Shemp backs up too far, however, and knocks the spare tire off-camera ]
MOE: Oh, my toe! Look in these shoes for some toes!
SHEMP: How was it -- pretty heavy?
MOE: [ bops Shemp on the head ] Quiet! Get that tire on!
[ Shemp looks behind him and notices that the tire is rolling down the street ]
SHEMP: There goes the tire!
MOE: Hurry up, let’s get it!
[ The Stooges chase the tire down the street. The tire rolls into a tire shop and falls down next to a pile of tires ]
[ The Stooges run in the shop and grab their tire ]
LARRY: That’s it!
TIRE SHOP WORKER: [ running up to the Stooges ] Hey, you! Where are you goin’ with that tire?!
SHEMP: Why it’s ours!
TIRE SHOP WORKER: Not unless you got $15.97!
MOE: Now you don’t understand! We were changing tires and it got away from us.
TIRE SHOP WORKER: Well, it ain’t gonna get away from me!
[ The worker grabs one end of the tire as the Stooges grab the other end ]
SHEMP: Let go of that!
TIRE SHOP WORKER: Let loose of that rubber, or I’ll take this hammer and rap you over the noggin!
LARRY: Oh, yeah?! I’d like to see you try it!
[ The worker bonks Shemp on the head with the hammer ]
SHEMP: OH!
MOE: [ to the worker ] Hey, pal, down in Texas, you can’t get away with that! [ to Shemp ] Tell him, Tex!
SHEMP: [ to the worker ] Look, pardner, I’m...
[ The worker bonks Shemp with the hammer again ]
SHEMP: OHHH!
MOE: [ to the worker ] I’d like to see ya do that again!
[ The worker bonks Moe on the head with the hammer ]
MOE: OH! By golly, he did it!
[ Moe gives a signal to Larry and Larry stand behind the worker and grabs a tire ]
MOE: [ to the worker ] Now look, pal. Can’t we reason this thing out like gentlemen? After all, we’re sensible...
[ Larry lodges the tire on the worker’s shoulders ]
MOE: Thataboy, champ!
[ The Stooges lodge the tire further down on the worker’s waist ]
MOE: [ trying to reach the worker’s hammer ] Gimme the hammer!
SHEMP: [ taking the hammer ] I got it!
[ Moe punches the worker in the stomach. Then Shemp hits the worker on the head with the hammer ]
MOE: Thataboy!
[ The worker falls backwards and knocks over a pile of tires; The Stooges take their tire and run away ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges and their wives putting a load of luggage on top of the back of the car ]
MOE: [ to the wives ] Alright, you girls park yourself right here while we finish tying off the load. Larry, get on the other side.
[ Larry walks to the other side of the car ]
MOE: Hurry up. [ to Shemp ] Shemp, gimme a hand.
SHEMP: [ holding out each hand ] Which one???
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] C’mon! Get over here!
SHEMP: Cut it out!
[ Moe throws one end of a rope on top of the luggage pile on the car. The rope goes over on the other side of the car and ties around Larry’s neck ]
LARRY: AAGH!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Wait a minute. A little more!
[ Moe and Shemp pull their end of the rope, causing Larry on the other side to get pulled up ]
LARRY: AAAAUGH!!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Gimme a hand! A little more!
LARRY: MOE! SHEMP!
[ Moe and Shemp tie their end of the rope to the car ]
SHEMP: I hope we find worms. I’m goin’ fishing.
MOE: Never mind the worms!
LARRY: SHEMP, MOE! SHEMP!
[ Shemp and Moe run over to Larry’s side of the car ]
SHEMP: Always foolin’ around! Ya can’t ride that way; you’ll unbalance the load!
LARRY: GET ME DOWN!
[ Shemp holds Larry’s legs as Moe slowly releases the rope from Larry’s neck ]
MOE: Easy, kid, easy!
SHEMP: I got him!
MOE: Okay! [ releases the rope from Larry’s neck ]
LARRY: [ relieved ] Ohh!
SHEMP: [ carrying Larry to the ground ] I’ll let him down!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Why, you nitwit! Whaddaya tryin’ to do here?!
LARRY: I couldn''t help it!
MOE: C’mon, get up on top of the load!
[ Cut to the crazy-looking man walking behind a tree and peeking at the Stooges from there ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] EVERYBODY ALL ABOARD! C’mon!
[ Cut back to the Stooges, where they’re getting in the car ]
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] Alright, you start the climb, kid.
[ Larry gets in the car and climbs up to the top of the luggage load; the wives get in the car ]
MOE: Okay, c’mon before the sun goes down.
SHEMP: [ getting in the car ] Oh, what fun, boys! [ to Larry’s wife ] Look out for your hand there!
[ Larry’s wife removes her hand from the car door, and Shemp closes it ]
[ Moe starts the car ]
SHEMP: Yippee! [ to Claude ] So long!
[ The Stooges and wives wave to Claude ]
CLAUDE: [ waving back to the Stooges ] So long! So long! Have a good time!
STOOGES AND WIVES: Goodbye!
[ When the car starts, the engine begins backfiring and smoke comes out from under the hood. The car suddenly stops and the luggage load turns over, dropping Larry all the way to the ground ]
WIVES: AAAAHHHHH!!!
[ The wives get out of the car and help Larry up ]
[ Briefly cut to Claude making a worried expression ]
[ Moe and Shemp grab Larry ]
MOE: [ pushing Shemp away ] Get outta the way!
SHEMP: Alright! Don’t throw me around!
MOE: [ slaps Larry in the behind ] You dummy, you! You unbalanced the whole load!
SHEMP: Look where we are! We gotta start all over again!
[ The crazy-looking man runs over to the Stooges ]
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Haha! I’d like to talk to you! Hehehe! I think we can do business.
MOE: Oh, a junk man, eh?
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: Oh, no, no. [ gives Moe a card ] My card.
MOE: [ reading off the card ] “Talent Scout - Acme Pictures - Hollywood.â€
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: [ trying not to laugh ] Mmm...
MOE: “Talent scout�!
LARRY: You want us for the movies?!
MOE: [ to Shemp, in dramatic voice ] Come, girl, your answer. Either consent to marry me and become my wife.
SHEMP: [ in dramatic voice ] Never!
MOE: [ in dramatic voice ] Then you shall die! [ begins choking him ]
SHEMP: AAAAGH!!
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: [ stopping them ] No, no! Not you! Heh! The car! Heheheh!
[ The Stooges twitch in surprise ]
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: We’ve searched the country for a car like this. Would you consider, say...uh...$2,000?
MOE: Would we?!
CLAUDE: Just a minute! [ walks up to the man ] I’ll take it! I’ve decided not to sell to these fellas. [ handing Moe some money ] There’s your money back.
SHEMP: You can’t do...
CLAUDE: Aw, shutup! I didn’t sign nothin’!
[ The Stooges look at each other in shock ]
[ Two handlers in white uniforms run up to the crazy- looking man and grab him ]
HANDLER #1: C’mon, Professor, you’ll be late for lunch.
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: NO! I wanna buy this car!
HANDLER #1: Right after lunch, Professor. You can buy 10 of them. [ winks to Claude and the Stooges ]
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: Goody! I love cars! All kinds of cars!
[ The two handlers take the man away ]
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: Hehehe! Oh, I love ‘em! [ jumping up and down ] LOVE IT! LOVE IT! Heehee! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!
MOE: [ to Claude ] You bought yourself a nice car, pardner.
CLAUDE: OHHH!!!
[ Claude angrily throws his hat to the ground and steps on it ]
CLAUDE: [ maniacally ] Ha, ha, ha! HA, HA, HA, HA! [ to the handlers ] Wait for me! I want some lunch, too! Ha, ha, ha! [ leaves ]
MOE: Well... [ hands Shemp some money ] There’s yours... [ hands Larry some money ] There’s yours... [ keeps the remaining money in his hand ] And here’s mine.
SHEMP: [ manically ] Love it! Love it! [ begins to leave ]
MOE: [ grabs Shemp back ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where you goin’?
SHEMP: I’m hungry, too!
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] Go on! Get outta...
LARRY: Wait a minute, what’s wrong with...
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] What’s the matter wichu?
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] You cut it out!
LARRY: He can eat, and I can’t...
[ THE END ]
[ The door to a bedroom opens and Claude enters; Moe and Larry run over to him ]
MOE: Tell me -- how is he, Claude?
CLAUDE: [ holding a bottle of sleeping pills ] I gave him one of these sleeping pills about 10 minutes ago. That’s the best thing in the world for him -- rest and sleep.
SHEMP’S WIFE: But don’t you think we ought to call a doctor?
CLAUDE: Why throw money away? I can take care of Shemp better than any doctor.
MOE: Sure he can!
CLAUDE: [ handing Moe the bottle ] Just follow the directions until I get back. I’m gonna get my doctor book. We’ll have Shemp as good as new. [ leaves ]
MOE: Sure! [ reading the instructions on the bottle ] “Take one pill, wait 15 minutes, then take a second pill.â€
LARRY: Hey, it’s time for the second pill. 15 minutes.
MOE: Right, let’s go.
[ Moe and Larry walk towards the bedroom ]
MOE: [ to Shemp’s wife ] Now don’t worry about everything. Everything will be al... [ bumps into the wall ] Oh! [ to the wife ] Now, don’t worry!
[ Moe and Larry enter the bedroom; Shemp is snoring under the covers of the bed ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Shh!
[ Moe and Larry look at Shemp under the covers ]
MOE: Aw, he’s sleepin’ like a baby. It’s a shame to disturb him!
LARRY: Yeah, but he’s gotta take his second pill so he can sleep!
MOE: Maybe you got somethin’ there!
[ Moe opens the top of the blankets expecting to see Shemp’s head, but sees Shemp’s feet instead ]
MOE: Okay, kid, we... [ does a double take ]
[ Moe and Larry go to the other end of the covers and open it, revealing Shemp’s head ]
MOE AND LARRY: [ dragging Shemp out of the bed ] C’mon! C’mon, kid! C’mon! C’mon! C’mon!
MOE: You gotta take a pill!
SHEMP: [ still half-asleep ] What, again???
MOE: Yeah, again! [ handing Shemp a pill ] Here.
[ Shemp puts the pill in his mouth ]
MOE: [ handing Shemp a glass of water ] C’mon.
[ Shemp drinks the water down ]
MOE: Down the hatch!
[ Shemp hands Moe back the glass of water after he swallows the pill ]
SHEMP: [ walking towards the bed ] Aw, lemme get back to...
MOE: [ grabbing him back ] Oh, not so fast! You gotta follow instructions. Now that you’ve taken a pill, you gotta skip an hour. [ to Larry ] Get him the rope! [ grabs the rope himself and hands it to Shemp ] Here, take that! ‘ Now skip!
[ Shemp begins literally skipping away with his feet ]
MOE: [ grabbing him back ] Hey, hey, hey!! C’mon! [ puts each end of the rope in Shemp’s hands ] Here, one in each hand.
SHEMP: Ohh.
MOE: Start skippin’!
[ Shemp begins jump roping ]
SHEMP: [ walking back towards the bed ] That’s that...
LARRY: [ pushing him back ] No, no! We’ll let you know when the hour’s up!
MOE: Continue!
[ Moe and Larry lay down on the bed as Shemp continues jump roping. When Shemp sees that Moe and Larry are asleep, he stops jump roping and walks towards the bed ]
SHEMP: Well, that’s that!
MOE AND LARRY: [ suddenly awakening ] SKIP!!!!!
SHEMP: Cut it out, fellas! You’ll wake me up! [ continues to jump rope, then trips and falls on the floor ]
[ Dissolve to the living room; Claude walks in the front door holding a bood ]
CLAUDE: [ to the wives ] Where are the boys?
SHEMP’S WIFE: Why, they’ve been in with Shemp for over an hour!
CLAUDE: They have?! [ walks in the bedroom and notices all the Stooges sleeping ] HEY!!!!
[ The Stooges suddenly awake and Shemp quickly continues jump roping ]
CLAUDE: [ stopping Shemp ] What’s the big idea?!
MOE: He’s following the instructions on the bottle!
LARRY: Yeah, it says “Take two pills, and skip an hour.â€
CLAUDE: Ya dopes! That means to wait an hour before you give him his next pill!
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Now he tells us!
CLAUDE: I’ve got my doctor book right here. [ grabs Shemp by the arm and walks over to the bed ] I’ll have his case diagnosed in nothing flat! [ to Shemp ] You sit right down there.
[ Shemp and Claude sit down on the bed, and Moe and Larry crawl behind them ]
[ Claude takes a hammer and taps Shemp’s knee with it. Shemp yawns, but his leg does nothing. Claude taps Shemp’s knee again and nothing happens. Claude looks at Moe and Larry in confusion. Then when he’s about to tap Shemp’s knee once more, Shemp’s leg finally reflexes. Claude holds Shemp’s head and looks inside his mouth ]
CLAUDE: Aha! Oh-ho!
LARRY: Oh-ho!
SHEMP: What is it, doc???
CLAUDE: Nothing!
[ Claude pulls up Shemp’s shirt a little bit and looks at his side ]
CLAUDE: He’s got a rash! [ pointing to his book ] It tells ya right here a rash may be caused by excessive use of the gray matter of the brain.
MOE: Oh, it must be something else.
SHEMP: Sure! It can’t be that!
CLAUDE: It also says a rash may be caused by a bad tooth.
LARRY: You got somethin’ there!
CLAUDE: Let’s have a look. [ opens Shemp’s mouth and moves his fingers against the teeth ]
SHEMP: Ugh!
CLAUDE: None of ‘em came out -- yet! [ grabs a hammer, then looks in Shemp’s mouth again ] Here, open wide.
[ Shemp opens his mouth further; Claude taps his hammer on one tooth on the right side, making a high pitched dinging sound ]
SHEMP: Ohh! Ugh!
[ Claude taps another tooth around the center, making another high pitched sound ]
SHEMP: Ah!
[ Claude taps a tooth on the left side, making a louder and more painful dinging sound ]
SHEMP: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
CLAUDE: Aha! That’s the one!
SHEMP: [ holding his tooth in pain ] Are you tellin’ me!
CLAUDE: [ to Larry ] Get me a piece of strong string!
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
SHEMP: Whaddaya gonna do, doc?!
CLAUDE: I’m gonna pull that bad tooth.
SHEMP: Is it gonna hoit?
CLAUDE: No, I don’t think so.
[ Larry returns with a string ]
LARRY: [ handing the string to Claude ] Here’s the string.
[ Claude begins tying the string to Shemp’s bad tooth ]
MOE: Tie a nice sailor’s knot!
[ Claude continues ]
MOE: Got it around?
CLAUDE: Yeah!
MOE: Fine!
[ Claude gets up and begins walking towards the window, while pulling on the other end of the string ]
CLAUDE: [ to Shemp ] Follow me.
[ Shemp gets up and quickly follows Claude, followed by Moe and Larry. They arrive at the window ]
MOE: [ pushing Shemp down into a chair ] Sit down!
[ Claude ties the end of the string to a string for the blinds ]
CLAUDE: [ to Shemp ] All set?
SHEMP: [ mumbling ] Mmmm...
[ Claude pulls the blinds up, causing the string to yank Shemp’s tooth ]
SHEMP: [ painfully ] MMMM!!!
[ The blinds fall down and hit the top of Claude’s head ]
CLAUDE: Ow!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Easy kid!
SHEMP: Mmm! Mmmm! Ohhh!!
MOE: Quiet! [ to Larry ] Larry, untie that line!
[ Larry unties the end of Shemp’s tooth string from the blind string ]
MOE: We’ll do it the old, reliable way. [ walks towards a door while pulling Shemp’s tooth string ] C’mon.
SHEMP: Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
MOE: Take it easy, kid! [ begins tying the end of Shemp’s tooth string to a doorknob ] We’ll have that thing out before you can say “Ticonderoga†-- if you can say “Ticonderogaâ€! [ pushing Shemp back ] Now back up just a bit. Okay, sonny boy?
SHEMP: Mmm...
MOE: Ready...HUP!
[ Moe slams the door shut, but instead of the doorknob pulling Shemp’s tooth out, the doorknob ends up getting pulled out instead ]
SHEMP: Mmm...Mmm...OHH! OH!! OH!! OHH... [ sees the doorknob hanging at the end of his tooth string ] Oh, what a tooth! No wonder it was killin’ me!
MOE: You nitwit! That’s the doorknob!
SHEMP: Oh, yeah???
MOE: [ pushing Shemp’s arm away ] C’mon!
[ The end of the string with the doorknob tied to it flies up and hits Claude in the eye ]
CLAUDE: OH!!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You imbecile! All we’re tryin’ to do is give ya a hand here so you can get outta...
[ Claude angrily yanks the end of the string with the doorknob, causing the other end of the string to pull out Shemp’s tooth, and pulling him into a chair ]
SHEMP: WHOA! OH!! OHH!!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp back up ]
SHEMP: I’m dead! I’m tired! He shot me! Get a doctor! Do somethin’!
MOE: Oh, quiet, pickle-puss! All he did was pull your tooth!
SHEMP: Is that all? [ sees Claude holding the string with his tooth at the end of it ] Thanks, I feel like a million bucks!
[ Shemp suddenly falls over, but Moe and Larry catch him ]
MOE: Easy!
CLAUDE: You’ll soon be a well man, especially if you go away for a couple of weeks.
MOE: Yeah, we go... [ a beat ] Wait a minute! We haven’t got a car!
CLAUDE: Ah, you lucky people! I’ve got a car. It isn’t exactly brand-new, but it’s in perfect condition.
LARRY: How much?
CLAUDE: I’ll letcha steal it from me for $900.
MOE: We’ll take it!
CLAUDE: Fine, I’ll have it here in the morning. And to show you I’m a right guy, I’ll letcha have my camping outfit. I’ll bring it over tonight. [ leaves ]
MOE: That’s whatcha call a real pal!
LARRY: Yeah, we can camp near a lake and catch all the fish we can eat! You know, fish is great brain food.
MOE: You know, you should fish for a whale! [ slaps Larry ] Get outta here!
[ Shemp unconsciously falls back into a chair ]
MOE: Hey, Larry! Shemp passed out! Get some water!
SHEMP: [ suddenly comes back to ] No, champagne! [ closes his eyes again ]
MOE AND LARRY: [ grabbing Shemp’s hair ] C’mon!
[ Shemp’s left cheek begins rapidly swelling in and out ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Look! Must’ve left a root in there!
LARRY: Ohh!
[ Moe looks inside of Shemp’s mouth ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges and wives setting up the camping equipment on the floor in the living room ]
LARRY: Hey, Moe?
MOE: What?
LARRY: Don’t you think we oughta practice puttin’ this tent up before we leave?
MOE: I think you got somethin’ there, porcupine!
SHEMP: Let’s ask Claude how to do it.
MOE: Nonsense! I know all about tents. Let’s go!
[ The Stooges begin setting the tent up ]
SHEMP: I used to be a boy scout!
MOE: Raise that pole! Lift that tent!
[ The Stooges raise the pole and the tent ]
LARRY: Further! Further!
[ Moe looks at Larry angrily, then pushes the pole in Larry’s face ]
LARRY: OOH! Oh, wiseguy! [ pushes the pole into Moe’s face ]
MOE: OOH! Remind me to murder you later!
LARRY: I’ll make a note of it!
[ Moe pushes the pole in Larry’s face again ]
[ The Stooges continue to set the tent up ]
MOE: Get it up, boy! [ holding one end of the tent up ] Gimme the other pole, Shemp!
[ Shemp walks up to Moe with the pole ]
MOE: Right under my arm here.
SHEMP: Right under the arm, I’ll get it.
MOE: Right up here!
SHEMP: Watch your arm! [ places the pole on Moe’s end of the tent ] How was that?
MOE: Pretty good.
SHEMP: Alright.
MOE: [ to his wife ] Narcissus!
[ Moe’s wife comes over ]
MOE: Hold this pole. [ to Shemp ] Alright, tie it off, dummy! [ pushes Shemp away ]
SHEMP: Alright, alright!
[ Shemp ties one end of the tent to the leg of a table; Moe ties another end to a lamp; Larry ties the last end to the doorknob to the closed bedroom door; The tent is now fully put up ]
[ Larry’s wife opens the bedroom door from outside, pulling the tent down ]
MOE’S WIFE: AAAAHHH!!!
[ The middle of the tent caves in and Moe and Shemp’s wives falls down. Then the lamp is pulled down and knocks Moe’s head ]
MOE: OOH!
[ The table leg is pulled, causing a vase to fall of the table and on Shemp’s head ]
SHEMP: OOH!
LARRY: [ to his wife ] Next time you come in, knock first - - and then DON’T COME IN!!!!
MOE: [ throwing his lamp down ] Why, you!
[ Larry’s wife angrily walks back into the bedroom ]
LARRY: [ following her ] And furthermore, I’ll tell you...
[ Larry’s wife slams the bedroom door into Larry’s face ]
[ Shemp and Moe help Shemp’s wife out from under the tent ]
SHEMP: Honey, what are you doin’ under there???
[ Shemp’s wife slaps him ]
SHEMP: OH!
MOE: [ to Shemp’s wife ] Say, he’s my brother!
SHEMP’S WIFE: Yeah, well he’s my husband! [ slaps Moe ]
MOE: OOH!
MOE’S WIFE: [ to Shemp’s wife ] Wait a minute! He’s my husband! [ slaps Moe ]
MOE: OOH!
LARRY: [ stepping in ] Girls, girls...
[ Moe and Shemp’s wives slap Larry on back of the head ]
LARRY: OOH!
MOE: What are ya playin’ around about?! C’mon, get this tent up! C’mon!
[ The Stooges begin stetting the tent back up ]
MOE: Narcissus!
[ Fade-out ]
[ Fade-in to Claude driving an old looking car in front of the Stooges’ house, then stopping ]
[ The Stooges exit the house with luggage and fishing gear in their arms. They stop when they see Claude’s car ]
MOE: Oh, boy, a super-deluxe special!
SHEMP: Yeah, and all trimmed with [ ? ].
[ Claude walks up to the Stooges ]
CLAUDE: Well, boys, there she is!
LARRY: Yeah, but what is it???
CLAUDE: A Columbus.
SHEMP: Never mind who you bought it from. What make is that?
CLAUDE: I told you, a Columbus!
MOE: I thought he came over in a boat.
CLAUDE: Ha, ha! You couldn’t find another car like that if you searched for weeks.
SHEMP: That I can believe!
CLAUDE: Okay, okay, wiseguys! Wait’ll you step on the gas and feel the smooth flow of power under that hood.
MOE: You better be right, chum!
CLAUDE: Don’t you worry about a thing! Well, I gotta get breakfast. See ya before you take off. [ leaves ]
SHEMP: Alright, fellas, let’s get loaded.
LARRY: Wait a minute, you know I don’t drink!
MOE: [ hits Larry on back of the head with a fishing pole ] Go on, “Muscle Boundâ€! Go on!
[ The Stooges walk up to the car. Shemp and Larry go on one side, and Moe goes on the other ]
MOE: Hurry up; we gotta get started!
[ Shemp throws one suitcase into the car, but it slides out to the other side and hits Moe on the head ]
MOE: OH! [ turning to Shemp and Larry ] Why...
[ Shemp throws another bag in the car, and it slides out and hits Moe again ]
MOE: OH! Hey, fellas!
SHEMP: Yeah?
MOE: C’mere!
[ Shemp and Larry run towards the other side of the car to Moe ]
SHEMP: He must’ve found the road map!
[ Shemp and Larry arrive ]
LARRY: Yeah, what is it?
[ Moe double-slaps Shemp and Larry ]
SHEMP: OH!
MOE: Whaddaya tryin’ to do -- ruin the baggage?!
[ A tire on the car deflates and makes a hissing sound ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Whaddaya hissin’ me for?
SHEMP: I’m not hissin’ you -- but it’s not a bad idea!
MOE: [ raising his arm ] Why... [ notices the tire deflating ] How do ya like that? A flat tire! Get the jack and take the wheel off; I’ll get the spare!
[ Moe walks to the back of the car as Shemp and Larry get the jack ]
LARRY: [ handing Shemp a wheel screwdriver ] Here you are. Here.
[ Larry begins lifting the wheel with the jack as Shemp begins unscrewing the tire ]
[ Moe is having trouble unhooking the spare tire on back of the car ]
MOE: Hmm, stubborn, eh?
[ Shemp pulls the screwdriver too hard and accidentally hits Larry’s head with it ]
LARRY: Ohh!
SHEMP: [ half-heartedly ] Oh, I’m sorry.
[ Larry hits Shemp on the head with a tire iron ]
SHMEP: OOH! OOH!
LARRY: Careful, would ya?!
MOE: Hey, quit monkeyin’ around, you guys!
[ Shemp and Larry begin to take the wheel off ]
LARRY: There! Ha, ha, ha!
[ Shemp and Larry have trouble getting the wheel past the jack ]
LARRY: What’ll we do now???
SHEMP: I wonder how they got the tire on...
[ Cut to a crazy-looking man peeking his head out from behind some nearby bushes, looking at the Stooges ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Easy!
SHEMP [ o-c ] That’s right, just... No!
[ Cut back to Shemp and Larry ]
SHEMP: Maybe if I had a hatchet and we could chop it...
LARRY: Aw, c’mon! C’mon!
SHEMP: Alright.
[ Moe takes the spare tire off the back of the car and walks over to Shemp and Larry ]
MOE: [ places the spare tire behind Shemp ] What seems to be the trouble?
SHEMP: We can’t get the tire past the jack!
MOE: Why, you nitwits! [ pulling Shemp up by the ear ] Get up outta there!
SHEMP: OHH! OHHH!!!
MOE: You wanna get hurt? Let a man do it that knows how! You gotta use your brain! All you do is give it one quick jerk!
[ The jack falls off of the wheel and the wheel falls on top of Moe’s foot, crunching it ]
MOE: OHH!! Oh, my foot My foot is cut off! Help! Oh-oh!!
[ Shemp and Larry try to help Moe out ]
SHEMP: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
MOE: That-That’s it! Help me!
LARRY: Take it easy!
SHEMP: Is it out yet? Is it out?
MOE: No!
SHEMP: Wait a minute, wait a minute. [ grabbing a hatchet ] Here, I’ll chop it out!
MOE: Yeah... [ does a double-take ] Wait a minute! [ grabs the hatchet away and hits Shemp on the head with the back end ] What’s the matta wicha?!
SHEMP: OOH!
[ Larry puts a tire iron under Moe’s foot and tries to lift it, but the tire iron bends instead ]
MOE: Get me out! Oh, my foot!
[ Cut to the crazy-looking man crawling out from the bushes and looking at the Stooges ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Oh, oh, oh!
[ Cut back to the Stooges, where Shemp and Larry finally pull Moe’s foot out from under the tire. Shemp backs up too far, however, and knocks the spare tire off-camera ]
MOE: Oh, my toe! Look in these shoes for some toes!
SHEMP: How was it -- pretty heavy?
MOE: [ bops Shemp on the head ] Quiet! Get that tire on!
[ Shemp looks behind him and notices that the tire is rolling down the street ]
SHEMP: There goes the tire!
MOE: Hurry up, let’s get it!
[ The Stooges chase the tire down the street. The tire rolls into a tire shop and falls down next to a pile of tires ]
[ The Stooges run in the shop and grab their tire ]
LARRY: That’s it!
TIRE SHOP WORKER: [ running up to the Stooges ] Hey, you! Where are you goin’ with that tire?!
SHEMP: Why it’s ours!
TIRE SHOP WORKER: Not unless you got $15.97!
MOE: Now you don’t understand! We were changing tires and it got away from us.
TIRE SHOP WORKER: Well, it ain’t gonna get away from me!
[ The worker grabs one end of the tire as the Stooges grab the other end ]
SHEMP: Let go of that!
TIRE SHOP WORKER: Let loose of that rubber, or I’ll take this hammer and rap you over the noggin!
LARRY: Oh, yeah?! I’d like to see you try it!
[ The worker bonks Shemp on the head with the hammer ]
SHEMP: OH!
MOE: [ to the worker ] Hey, pal, down in Texas, you can’t get away with that! [ to Shemp ] Tell him, Tex!
SHEMP: [ to the worker ] Look, pardner, I’m...
[ The worker bonks Shemp with the hammer again ]
SHEMP: OHHH!
MOE: [ to the worker ] I’d like to see ya do that again!
[ The worker bonks Moe on the head with the hammer ]
MOE: OH! By golly, he did it!
[ Moe gives a signal to Larry and Larry stand behind the worker and grabs a tire ]
MOE: [ to the worker ] Now look, pal. Can’t we reason this thing out like gentlemen? After all, we’re sensible...
[ Larry lodges the tire on the worker’s shoulders ]
MOE: Thataboy, champ!
[ The Stooges lodge the tire further down on the worker’s waist ]
MOE: [ trying to reach the worker’s hammer ] Gimme the hammer!
SHEMP: [ taking the hammer ] I got it!
[ Moe punches the worker in the stomach. Then Shemp hits the worker on the head with the hammer ]
MOE: Thataboy!
[ The worker falls backwards and knocks over a pile of tires; The Stooges take their tire and run away ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges and their wives putting a load of luggage on top of the back of the car ]
MOE: [ to the wives ] Alright, you girls park yourself right here while we finish tying off the load. Larry, get on the other side.
[ Larry walks to the other side of the car ]
MOE: Hurry up. [ to Shemp ] Shemp, gimme a hand.
SHEMP: [ holding out each hand ] Which one???
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] C’mon! Get over here!
SHEMP: Cut it out!
[ Moe throws one end of a rope on top of the luggage pile on the car. The rope goes over on the other side of the car and ties around Larry’s neck ]
LARRY: AAGH!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Wait a minute. A little more!
[ Moe and Shemp pull their end of the rope, causing Larry on the other side to get pulled up ]
LARRY: AAAAUGH!!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Gimme a hand! A little more!
LARRY: MOE! SHEMP!
[ Moe and Shemp tie their end of the rope to the car ]
SHEMP: I hope we find worms. I’m goin’ fishing.
MOE: Never mind the worms!
LARRY: SHEMP, MOE! SHEMP!
[ Shemp and Moe run over to Larry’s side of the car ]
SHEMP: Always foolin’ around! Ya can’t ride that way; you’ll unbalance the load!
LARRY: GET ME DOWN!
[ Shemp holds Larry’s legs as Moe slowly releases the rope from Larry’s neck ]
MOE: Easy, kid, easy!
SHEMP: I got him!
MOE: Okay! [ releases the rope from Larry’s neck ]
LARRY: [ relieved ] Ohh!
SHEMP: [ carrying Larry to the ground ] I’ll let him down!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Why, you nitwit! Whaddaya tryin’ to do here?!
LARRY: I couldn''t help it!
MOE: C’mon, get up on top of the load!
[ Cut to the crazy-looking man walking behind a tree and peeking at the Stooges from there ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] EVERYBODY ALL ABOARD! C’mon!
[ Cut back to the Stooges, where they’re getting in the car ]
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] Alright, you start the climb, kid.
[ Larry gets in the car and climbs up to the top of the luggage load; the wives get in the car ]
MOE: Okay, c’mon before the sun goes down.
SHEMP: [ getting in the car ] Oh, what fun, boys! [ to Larry’s wife ] Look out for your hand there!
[ Larry’s wife removes her hand from the car door, and Shemp closes it ]
[ Moe starts the car ]
SHEMP: Yippee! [ to Claude ] So long!
[ The Stooges and wives wave to Claude ]
CLAUDE: [ waving back to the Stooges ] So long! So long! Have a good time!
STOOGES AND WIVES: Goodbye!
[ When the car starts, the engine begins backfiring and smoke comes out from under the hood. The car suddenly stops and the luggage load turns over, dropping Larry all the way to the ground ]
WIVES: AAAAHHHHH!!!
[ The wives get out of the car and help Larry up ]
[ Briefly cut to Claude making a worried expression ]
[ Moe and Shemp grab Larry ]
MOE: [ pushing Shemp away ] Get outta the way!
SHEMP: Alright! Don’t throw me around!
MOE: [ slaps Larry in the behind ] You dummy, you! You unbalanced the whole load!
SHEMP: Look where we are! We gotta start all over again!
[ The crazy-looking man runs over to the Stooges ]
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Haha! I’d like to talk to you! Hehehe! I think we can do business.
MOE: Oh, a junk man, eh?
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: Oh, no, no. [ gives Moe a card ] My card.
MOE: [ reading off the card ] “Talent Scout - Acme Pictures - Hollywood.â€
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: [ trying not to laugh ] Mmm...
MOE: “Talent scout�!
LARRY: You want us for the movies?!
MOE: [ to Shemp, in dramatic voice ] Come, girl, your answer. Either consent to marry me and become my wife.
SHEMP: [ in dramatic voice ] Never!
MOE: [ in dramatic voice ] Then you shall die! [ begins choking him ]
SHEMP: AAAAGH!!
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: [ stopping them ] No, no! Not you! Heh! The car! Heheheh!
[ The Stooges twitch in surprise ]
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: We’ve searched the country for a car like this. Would you consider, say...uh...$2,000?
MOE: Would we?!
CLAUDE: Just a minute! [ walks up to the man ] I’ll take it! I’ve decided not to sell to these fellas. [ handing Moe some money ] There’s your money back.
SHEMP: You can’t do...
CLAUDE: Aw, shutup! I didn’t sign nothin’!
[ The Stooges look at each other in shock ]
[ Two handlers in white uniforms run up to the crazy- looking man and grab him ]
HANDLER #1: C’mon, Professor, you’ll be late for lunch.
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: NO! I wanna buy this car!
HANDLER #1: Right after lunch, Professor. You can buy 10 of them. [ winks to Claude and the Stooges ]
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: Goody! I love cars! All kinds of cars!
[ The two handlers take the man away ]
CRAZY-LOOKING MAN: Hehehe! Oh, I love ‘em! [ jumping up and down ] LOVE IT! LOVE IT! Heehee! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!
MOE: [ to Claude ] You bought yourself a nice car, pardner.
CLAUDE: OHHH!!!
[ Claude angrily throws his hat to the ground and steps on it ]
CLAUDE: [ maniacally ] Ha, ha, ha! HA, HA, HA, HA! [ to the handlers ] Wait for me! I want some lunch, too! Ha, ha, ha! [ leaves ]
MOE: Well... [ hands Shemp some money ] There’s yours... [ hands Larry some money ] There’s yours... [ keeps the remaining money in his hand ] And here’s mine.
SHEMP: [ manically ] Love it! Love it! [ begins to leave ]
MOE: [ grabs Shemp back ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where you goin’?
SHEMP: I’m hungry, too!
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] Go on! Get outta...
LARRY: Wait a minute, what’s wrong with...
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] What’s the matter wichu?
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] You cut it out!
LARRY: He can eat, and I can’t...
[ THE END ]
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