Films of the Stooges, The (Larry, Curly & Moe... The Columbia Shorts)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2003-07-29
THREE DARK HORSES
[ The short opens inside of an office with a close-up of a poster that reads: CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS – HAMMOND EGGER FOR PRESIDENTâ€. The camera pans over to a name stand on a desk that reads “WM. ‘BILL’ WICK – CAMPAIGN MANAGERâ€. The camera pans up and we see Wick sitting at his desk, reading a report. Wick’s assistant is sitting next to him. ]
WICK: I tell ya, Jim, we gotta do something about this report. Three of our delegates smell a rat.
JIM: We’ll have to kick them out and get new ones! If Egger isn’t elected president, we’ll never be able to make that oil grab.
WICK: You’re right. We gotta get that oil by hook or crook. What we need are three delegates who are too dumb to think and will do what we tell them. Now, where do we find such guys?
[ Suddenly, a knock is heard on the door ]
WICK: Come in.
[ The door opens and janitors Moe, Larry, and Shemp walk in and walk over to Wick’s desk ]
MOE: Sorry to disturb ya, boss, but we gotta clean the joint. I’ll only take a few minutes.
WICK: That’s alright, boys. You won’t disturb us.
MOE: Thank you.
LARRY: Right.
[ The Stooges salute and accidentally hit each other on the head ]
MOE: [ pushing Moe and Larry off-camera ] Oh, c’mon! C’mon!
[ The camera pans over closer to Wick and Jim as they look at the Stooges ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] That’s the wall the boss wants cleaned!
WICK: [ to Jim ] If they’re half as dumb as they look, I think we found our men.
[ Cut over to Larry standing in front of a dirty wall with Moe behind him ]
MOE: Wash the wall and don’t spare the water.
LARRY: Right.
[ Larry dips his sponge into a pail of water and throws some water from the sponge onto the wall repeatedly. After a few times, Larry accidentally gets some water on Moe when reaching the sponge behind him. Then he accidentally hits Moe on the face with the sponge. The next time Larry reaches the sponge back, Moe grabs Larry’s arm and pushes the sponge into Larry’s face ]
MOE: Get outta here! Get that squeegee and get busy, you porcupine!
LARRY: Ahh...
[ As Moe wipes the water off of his face, Larry picks up a squeegee and begins wiping the water off of the wall with it. When he reaches the squeegee behind him, the end of the squeegee handle hits Moe on the side of the face. ]
MOE: UH!
[ As Moe turns over to Larry, Larry reaches his squeegee back again and the handle hits Moe on the chin ]
MOE: EHH!
[ The handle taps on Moe’s nose repeatedly ]
MOE: NNNNN! [ to Larry ] Hey, you, I’ll...
[ The handle goes inside Moe’s mouth and gets stuck in it ]
MOE: MMMMMPH!
[ Moe kicks Larry back, causing the handle to get pulled out of Moe’s mouth ]
LARRY: [ fearfully backing away ] Excuse me, Moe! I didn’t mean it! Honestly, I...
MOE: Okay, okay, okay, kid. Relax. Nothin’s gonna happen. Where’s the sponge?
LARRY: [ handing Moe the wet sponge ] Here it is.
MOE: Oh, thanks!
LARRY: Big one, ain’t it?
[ Moe throws the sponge towards Larry’s face, but Larry ducks and the sponge ends up hitting Shemp, who’s busy vacuuming, on back of the head ]
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] You...!
[ Shemp takes his vacuum and walks over towards Moe and Larry. Moe is nosehonking Larry repeatedly ]
LARRY: Oh, Moe! Oh! Oh!
[ Shemp places his vacuum on a table and walks over to Moe ]
SHEMP: Hey, what’s the idea of “spongin’†on me?
MOE: Why don’t you mind your own business?! [ reaches to eyepoke Shemp ]
[ Shemp blocks Moe’s eyepoke with his hand. Moe punches Shemp in the stomach ]
SHEMP: [ releasing his hand-block ] Ohh!
[ Moe now eyepokes Shemp successfully ]
SHEMP: OHH! [ holds his hand in front of Moe’s face ] See that?
MOE: Yeah.
SHEMP: [ gives Moe the hand movement ] There!
MOE: Why, you! [ reaches to eyepoke Shemp again ]
[ Shemp turns around, causing Moe to poke the back of Shemp’s head instead ]
SHEMP AND MOE: OOOH!
MOE: [ holding his eyepoking fingers in pain ] Ooh! Ooh!
SHEMP: Ha, ha! He broke it! He broke it! Ha...
[ Moe raises his “broken†eyepoking fingers and pokes Shemp in the eyes with them ]
SHEMP: OHH! Hey, you got a hangnail, you know that?
MOE: Hangnail, eh? [ begins biting off his hangnail ]
SHEMP: Yeah.
[ Moe spits the hangnail in Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: Ooh! [ looking at Moe’s finger ] You didn’t get it all; there’s another! [ begins biting Moe’s finger ]
[ Moe tries to get Shemp off by biting his nose as Larry tries to stop them ]
SHEMP: OWWWWWW!!! OWWWWW!!!! UHHHHH-UHH!!!!
[ Cut over to Wick and Jim watching the Stooges. Wick is watching in amusement ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] What do you want here?!
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] What are you buttin’ in for?!
[ Jim turns his attention over to Shemp’s vacuum on the table by the Stooges, which is sucking up the papers next to it ]
JIM: Hey! [ walks over to the arguing Stooges and breaks up the fight ] Hey, your vacuum is sucking up all those papers!
SHEMP: Oh, I’m sorry! [ picks up the vacuum and holds it over his shoulder ]
JIM: [ to Moe and Larry ] You boys are gonna have to be more...
[ The vacuum over Shemp’s shoulder sucks Jim’s toupee off ]
JIM: I... [ feeling the top of his head ] My...my toup... [ turns over to Shemp ] Hey! My toupee is in your vacuum! You...
SHEMP: [ stands the vacuum down on the floor ] Oh, it is?
MOE: Look, you idiot, you scalped him!
JIM: Yeah!
SHEMP: I’ll get it for you! Don’t worry! [ opens the vacuum bag and starts searching through it ]
[ Moe and Larry sit Jim down and try to calm him ]
JIM: I know, but... I know, but...
LARRY: Don’t worry about it!
JIM: But my...
LARRY: Shemp, hurry up!
SHEMP: [ pulling the dust-filled toupee out of the bag ] I got it!
[ Shemp places the dirty toupee on top of Jim’s head, getting dust all over Jim’s face and causing a coughing fit ]
SHEMP: There it is, right there!
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ brushing the dust off of the toupee ] Take it easy, now. Take it easy. [ looking at the toupee ] This thing’ll never stay on!
[ Larry returns, with a hammer and nail ]
LARRY: Hold everything! I’ll fix it so he’ll never lose it! [ holds the nail on top of Jim’s head and gets ready to hammer it in ]
MOE: Okay... [ does a double-take ] Wait a minute!
[ Larry stops ]
MOE: Are you out of your mind?! [ a beat ] You wanna punch a hole in this man’s toupee?!
[ Cut over to Shemp picking up a bottle of glue ]
JIM: [ off-camera ] You boys are gonna have to pay! I’ve...I’ve no...I’ve never heard such a thing! Ohh!
[ Shemp reaches off-camera and takes Jim’s toupee ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Take it nice and easy. Relax.
JIM: [ off-camera ] Never!! I’ll no... You...
[ Shemp pours glue inside of the toupee ]
JIM: OHHH! Never in my life have I had such...
SHEMP: [ holding the glue-filled toupee at Moe ] Here ya are, Moe! Here ya are! Shine up that honeydew.
MOE: Okay. Okay, boy. [ dips a brush in the glue inside the toupee, then brushes the glue on Jim’s head ]
SHEMP: That’s it.
JIM: Wh-What’s going on?! I tell you... Ohh! What is this?!
SHEMP: [ places the toupee on Jim’s head ] There it is!
[ Glue from the toupee drips all down Jim’s face as the Stooges try to straighten out the toupee on his head ]
JIM: Wait a minute! What’s going on here?! What are you men doing?! You can’t do that!
[ Briefly cut over to Wick sitting at his desk, watching the whole fiasco in amusement ]
WICK: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
SHEMP: There ya are! You look beautiful!
MOE: Your own mother wouldn’t recognize ya!
LARRY: To coin a phrase -- it''s your toupee, and you’re “stuck†with it!
JIM: OHHHHH!!!! [ storms off-camera ]
LARRY: Ha, ha, ha, ha! [ to Moe ] Get it? Toupee? “Stuck†with it?
MOE: [ sarcastically ] Ha, ha, ha, ha... [ slaps the glue- covered brush on Larry’s mouth ] There! You idiot!
LARRY: [ trying to pull the brush off of his mouth ] MMM!
[ Cut over to Jim angrily walking up to Wick’s desk ]
JIM: Those stupid idiots!! Grr! How dumb can guys be?!
WICK; Relax, Jim! Relax! [ whispering ] They’re just what the doctor ordered!
JIM: Hmm?
WICK: [ to the Stooges ] Hey, boys, come here. Hurry!
[ The Stooges run over to Wick’s desk ]
WICK: How’d you boys like to make a lot of easy money?
MOE: You name it, we’ll do it.
WICK: Good. We’d like you boys to be delegates for the presidential convention.
MOE: You’re a cinch, boss! We know all about presidential conventions! We’ve seen them on the television! [ to Shemp and Larry ] Show ‘em, boys!
[ The Stooges run over and grab several pickets with campaign slogans for Hammond Egger ]
MOE: And perk it up like you’re at the convention now!
SHEMP: WE’RE AT THE CONVENTION! WE’RE AT THE CONVENTION! The hall’s a bedlam!
MOE: The people are milling about and it’s impossible to move!
LARRY: Everyone is shouting and talking hysterically!
MOE: You have to elbow your way through the crowd!
[ Wick has a confused expression on his face ]
SHEMP: We scream and holler and above the din and roar, our voices blast out: “Vote for the one and only -- that fearless, that honest man! Of the people, by the people, for the people, and against the people!†So, let’s vote for... [ pause ] Moe, who should we vote for???
MOE: Vote for that Ham...uh...Hammond Egger! [ bonks Shemp on the head ]
SHEMP: Ooh!
LARRY: The place is a bedlam! Trumpets are blasting! [ imitating a fanfare ] Dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah, DAH-dah-dah-DAHHHHH!
SHEMP: [ pretending to look through binoculars ] They’re off and runnin’ around the far turn. White Sox out in front. Cardinals are runnin’ close by. The Giants are comin’ up fast. He’s comin’ again...
MOE: [ stopping Shemp ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! You’re at the wrong convention! [ imitating a drum roll ] Bdddddum! Bddddddddum-bump!
ALL STOOGES: [ singing ] Hammond Egger wants your vote
Shout his praises from your throat
You’ll eat steak instead of stew
Five, Four, Three, Two
Three, Two
Three, Two...
SHEMP: Hold it! Hold it! [ with Italian accent ] I’m-a demand-a a recount!
MOE: What’s the delegate’s name?
SHEMP: [ with Italian accent ] Geronimo Famarico Porto!
MOE: [ with Italian accent ] Ohh, ya tee benafoochi timi nicaronja?
SHEMP: [ with Italian accent ] Ah hum sula ta patula!
MOE: How many votes?
SHEMP: [ with Italian accent ] A-two!
MOE: [ holding up two fingers ] Two?
SHEMP: [ with Italian accent ] Yeah, two!
MOE: You got your recount! [ eyepokes Shemp ] Get outta hea!
SHEMP: OHHHH!!!
MOE: The convention is getting out of control! [ bangs hammer on desk like a gavel ] Will the sergeant- at-arms please clear the aisle?
[ Larry moves his arms like he’s clearing away people ]
MOE: Order! Order!
LARRY: I’ll take a steak and French fries!
MOE: You’re “out of orderâ€! [ bangs the hammer on Larry’s head ] Get outta here! We’re goin’ to this convention like soldiers! Fall in!
[ The Stooges stand in a straight line, with Shemp on the left end, Moe in the middle, and Larry on the right end ]
MOE: Right shoulder arms!
[ Shemp and Larry hold their pickets over their right shoulders ]
MOE: About face!
[ Shemp and Larry turn towards the left, but their picket signs smack Moe in the neck and the back of his head ]
MOE: OH! [ grabbing Shemp and Larry ] Get over here! Get around here!
SHEMP Alright!
[ The Stooges stumble around trying to get in place ]
[ Cut to Wick and Jim watching the Stooges ]
WICK: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] Don’t spin me! Don’t spin me!
[ Cut back to the Stooges; Shemp and Larry are now standing in opposite places ]
MOE: Now -- About face!
[ Shemp and Larry turn to the right and their picket signs hit Moe again ]
MOE: OH! [ grabbing Shemp and Larry’s pickets ] Why, you!
[ Shemp and Larry run out the door ]
MOE: [ running after them ] I’ll murder you guys!
[ The picket signs get stuck in the door, causing Moe to fall down on the floor. Shemp and Larry run back in the room and help Moe up ]
[ Fade-out ]
[ Fade-in to a banner hanging outside that says “DELEGATES WELCOME TO CONVENTION CITY†]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges walking inside their hotel room ]
SHEMP: Ohh, are my feet sore!
MOE: I’m all in. You know, a guy takes a terrible beatin’ at these conventions!
[ The Stooges throw their jackets off and Shemp walks off- camera ]
LARRY: I’ll say! [ notices food and coffee on the table ] Hey, I’m glad room service sent the food up; I’m dyin’ for a cup of coffee.
MOE: Me, too.
[ Cut to Shemp in the bathroom, filling a bucket with water from the bathtub ]
SHEMP: [ yelling to off-camera ] Pour me some coffee, too!
[ Shemp takes the bucket out of the tub, then walks out of the bathroom and sits down next to a table ]
SHEMP: Oh, my foot is killin’ me!
[ Shemp takes his shoe off and smoke comes from his foot and his foot begins whimpering like a dog ]
SHEMP: Be quiet! Fido, be quiet!
[ The whimpering continues ]
SHEMP: [ feeling his hot foot ] Oh, is that foot hot!
[ Shemp takes off his sock, then dips his foot into the bucket of water. The water begins sizzling. ]
SHEMP: [ relieved ] Ahh! Ahh! Hahhhhhhhhh!!!
[ Cut to Larry pouring coffee in three cups. When he’s done, he adds a whole bunch of spoons of sugar into one cup of coffee, stirs it around, then takes a little sip and quickly spits it back out in disgust ]
LARRY: [ handing the cup to Shemp ] Here’s your coffee, Shemp.
SHEMP: Oh, thanks. Thanks, Larry.
[ Shemp takes one sip of the coffee, then shakes his head in dissatisfaction. He adds in a few more spoons of sugar into the coffee and stirs it around as Larry looks on in surprise. After taking another sip, Shemp is still dissatisfied with the taste. Shemp then takes only a pinch of sugar with two fingers, adds it into the coffee, stirs it around, tastes it again and is finally happy with the taste. Larry shakes his head in the background in disbelief ]
SHEMP: You know, Larry, I was just thinking -- it''s a lucky thing we found out Hammond Egger is a crook before we voted for him.
LARRY: Yeah, and won’t Wick burn when he finds out we’re not gonna vote for his candidate!
[ Moe walks over to the table and takes his cup of coffee ]
MOE: Say, boys, we’d better caucus.
SHEMP: Not me! All day long we had a rump session, and now you want me to caucus?! I’m gonna have my coffee; go caucus yourself!
MOE: [ waving his arm ] Ohh! [ walks away ]
[ Shemp brings his cup of coffee up to his mouth to take a drink from it, but the spoon in the cup pokes him in the right eye ]
SHEMP: [ rubbing his eye ] Well, I’ll fix that.
[ Shemp moves the spoon over to the other side, then brings the cup up to his mouth to drink from it. The spoon pokes him in the left eye this time and some coffee gets into his eye ]
SHEMP: I got a hot eye! I heard of “hot feetâ€, but never a “hot eyeâ€! [ puts the cup of coffee down on the table ] Well, I’ll fix this, alright! I’ll fix this. [ bends the spoon handle backwards ] There we are! That’s better!
[ Shemp takes a drink from his coffee, then hiccups and slaps himself in the back of the neck ]
[ Moe walks back up to the table ]
MOE: Hey, fellas, I finished my nomination speech. Listen -- [ reading from a paper ] “Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen, fellow degenerates...†[ does a double- take, then scribbles on the paper ] Uh, “...delegates. In these sordid and morbid times when our national economy is at stake -- and ‘steak’ is $3.00 a pound.†[ to Shemp and Larry ] Heh, heh, heh! [ clears throat in embarrassment, then continues reading ] “...there is a crying need for a man of destiny to step forth. What our country needs it tax reform and land reform. Instead, all we get is chloroform! Shall we continue to remain asleep?†[ holds up an APPLAUD sign, then looks at Shemp and Larry off-camera in shock ]
[ Cut to Shemp and Larry asleep on the table and snoring loudly. Moe walks over to them and bonks their heads together, waking them up ]
LARRY: OWW!
MOE: [ holding the APPLAUD sign up again ] Pay attention; can’t you read the sign?
SHEMP: [ trying to read the sign ] Who’s smokin’?
MOE: [ hitting Shemp with the sign ] Get outta here!
SHEMP: [ holding his head ] Ohh!
MOE: [ reading from the paper ] “Washington freed the country. Lincoln freed the slaves. Our candidate will free the working man from work!†[ holds up the APPLAUD sign ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ clapping ] Hooray!
MOE: Thank you. Thank you, gentlemen. [ reading from the paper ] “From now on, there will be a two-hour week!†[ holds up the APPLAUD sign ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ standing up ] YAAAAY!!
[ Larry jumps up and down next to Moe as Shemp does summersaults on the floor ]
SHEMP: HOORAY! HIYA! HIYA! HEY! HA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA- CHA-CHA! HEY! [ tries to do another summersault but accidentally sticks his head in the bucket of water ]
[ As Shemp takes his head out of the water, Moe and Larry run over and help him up ]
MOE: What’s the matter with you?!
[ Shemp spits a mouthful of water in Moe’s face ]
SHEMP: Ohh! That two-hour week, that got me! That two- hour week! That’s for me!
MOE: Don’t be a chump, ya chump! Ya can’t believe all that stuff -- that’s a campaign promise! [ slaps Shemp ] Go on!
[ The Stooges walk back to the table, and Shemp and Larry sit back down ]
SHEMP: Wait’ll I cool off this hot foot. [ dips his foot back into the bucket of water ] [ to Moe ] Go ahead.
MOE: [ looking at his paper ] Now then --
SHEMP: Yeah?
MOE: Where was I? Oh, yeah! [ reading from the paper ] “Therefore, delegates, it is my extreme honor to nominate for our next president, Abel Lamb Stewer!â€
SHEMP AND LARRY: HOORAY!! HIYA! HIYA! HEY! HO!
[ Moe holds up a campaign poster that says: “DON’T BE A MUTTONHEAD - VOTE ABEL LAMB STEWER FOR PRESIDENTâ€; Below the writing is a picture of Stewer, who’s face resembles an actual lamb ]
[ Larry and Shemp stand up and the Stooges begin throwing confetti from their pockets into the air, then in each other’s faces ]
ALL STOOGES: YAAAY! YAAAY! ABEL LAMB STEWER! HEY!
[ The Stooges throw all nearby objects like food and jackets into the air ]
MOE: EVERYBODY GET ON THE BANDWAGON FOR STEWER!
SHEMP: HA FOR STEWER! [ throws a pie in the air and it lands in front of him ]
MOE AND LARRY: WE WANT STEWER!
SHEMP: OH, STEWER! [ throws another pie in the air ]
MOE AND LARRY: WE WANT STEWER!
[ As Shemp looks in the air, waiting for the pie to come back down, it falls and splatters right in his face ]
MOE: [ angrily ] Now look at the mess ya made!
SHEMP: You made it, too!
MOE: Well, so I did. [ to Larry ] Hey, porcupine, c’mon! Let’s clean the place up!
SHEMP: I’d better wash up! [ smacks himself in the face several times ]
[ Dissolve to Moe and Larry cleaning up all the confetti from the floor ]
MOE: Hey, it must’ve been an awful job to cut all these little pieces of confetti out with a scissors.
LARRY: With a scissors?! They don’t use a scissors, ya dope!
MOE: No???
LARRY: No, a razor blade!
MOE: Oh!
[ Cut over to a parrot flying inside the window of the room and crawling around ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] How much money did Stewer’s manager give you for your vote?
LARRY: [ off-camera ] $1,500.
MOE: [ off-camera ] Then we can buy a yacht.
LARRY: [ off-camera ] And go fishin’!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Hey, you got worms?
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Yeah, but I’m goin’ anyhow!
[ The parrot flies inside of a cooked turkey on the table ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Hey, somethin’ smells strong around here.
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Don’t look at me; I changed my socks yesterday!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Well, congratulations!
[ Shemp walks out of the bathroom after cleaning his face off ]
SHEMP: Hey, let’s eat! I’m hungry!
MOE: Me, too. I could eat a horse.
SHEMP: Don’t look at me!
MOE: I said a “horseâ€, not a “jackassâ€!
[ Shemp angrily waves his arm at Moe ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Go on; get busy.
LARRY: Okay!
[ Shemp and Moe sit down. Larry takes a knife and pitchfork and sticks the pitchfork in the turkey, causing the parrot to squawk in pain. Larry twitches in surprise ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] What are you screamin’ about?! Go on, carve the turkey!
LARRY: I can’t! This thing isn’t cooked!
MOE: How do you know?!
LARRY: I jabbed it with a fork, and it hollered “Help!â€
MOE: [ standing up ] Stand aside, lamebrain! I’ll carve it!
[ Moe sticks the pitchfork in the turkey, causing the parrot to squawk again ]
MOE: NYAAAH-AAAAH! It’s haunted!
SHEMP: What are you tryin’ to do, starve me?! [ pushing Larry ] Get over here! [ to Moe ] Why don’t you quit playin’ and carve that turkey?!
MOE: I’m scared to touch it!
SHEMP: Scared?! You’re crazy! [ rubbing the turkey ] Look at that beautiful breast!
[ The parrot laughs and the Stooges jump in fear ]
SHEMP: No wonder you can’t carve it; it’s ticklish!
MOE: Hey, maybe a little seasoning will tenderize it. [ to Larry ] Pass me the black pepper.
[ Larry hands Moe the pepper shaker and Moe puts some of the black pepper on the turkey ]
MOE: That oughta do it.
[ The parrot sneezes ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Gesundheit!
[ The parrot sneezes again and the Stooges do a double- take ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, I got an idea -- I''ll stuff the turkey with crackers, let ‘im soak up the gravy, then we eat the crackers!
MOE: Smart thinking! [ to Shemp ] Hey, let me fix that [ pointing to the napkin under Shemp’s neck ]; you’re losin’ it. [ begins fixing Shemp’s napkin ]
[ Larry picks up a cracker and is about to put it inside the turkey ]
LARRY: Hey, we’d better hurry because if we don’t get there in time, we’ll miss the whole...
[ The parrot snatches the cracker out of Larry’s hand. Larry scratches his head in confusion when he notices the cracker is gone, then shrugs and takes out another cracker ]
LARRY: That’s funny! I had a cracker in my hand, and before I knew what happened...
[ The parrot snatches the cracker out of Larry’s hand again, and Larry jumps in shock ]
MOE: Quit stallin’! How about those crackers?
LARRY: I can’t do anything! This turkey keeps grabbin’ the crackers outta my hand!
MOE: You’re crazy! Next thing you’ll tell me, it’s walkin’!
[ The Stooges look at the table and watch in shock as the parrot inside the turkey walks around the table ]
MOE: Nyaaah!
SHEMP: Eeb-eeb-eeb!
MOE: NYAAAAH!
SHEMP: [ grabbing a ham ] Wait a minute! I’ll kill it!
[ Shemp swings the ham backwards and accidentally hits Moe on the head, knocking him down to the floor ]
SHEMP: I’m sorry, Moe! [ to the turkey ] Why, you!
[ As Shemp tries to reach over to the table to hit the turkey, he falls on top of the table, causing it to break and fall to the ground. The parrot walks away. Moe and Larry help Shemp up ]
SHEMP: Where’d he go???
LARRY: [ pointing off-camera ] He went that-a-way!
[ An alarm clock in the background suddenly rings ]
SHEMP: I’ll get it! [ pushing Moe and Larry away ] Look out!
[ Shemp runs over to the alarm clock and looks at the time ]
SHEMP: Hey, fellas, we gotta rush back to the convention! [ opens a drawer and puts the clock in there ] Choke it! [ closes the drawer on his hand by accident ] OHH! Ow!
MOE: C’mon, we’d better hurry up!
[ The Stooges quickly begin putting their hats and jackets on. Moe puts his arm through one side of a jacket, and Shemp puts his arm through the other ]
MOE: Let’s go.
SHEMP: Alright.
[ Moe and Shemp try to walk away but notice that they’re stuck in the same jacket ]
MOE: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
SHEMP: Whaddaya doin’?
MOE: Whaddaya mean what am I doin’?!
[ Camera does a wipe-effect to Wick and Jim sitting at home, watching a report on television ]
TV ANNOUNCER: And now, to recap the voting. It is the 65th ballot and the score is tied between Hammond Egger and Abel Lamb Stewer. There’s some excitement on the floor, ladies and gentlemen. Just a minute, please, until I check on it.
WICK: Where are those three idiots?! Why don’t they cast their votes? That’ll put us over.
TV ANNOUNCER: The three delegates from the 8th, 9th, and 10th district have just cast their vote.
WICK: Oh, boy, that’s us! We’re in the bag!
TV ANNOUNCER: A great upset! A great upset!
[ Wick begins drinking from a glass ]
TV ANNOUNCER: The three delegates who were committed to Egger have just switched their votes in favor of Stewer!
[ As he hears this, Wick spits his drink out onto Jim in surprise ]
TV ANNOUNCER: Stewer is the nominee for president!
WICK: Those dirty, double-crossin’ rats! [ to Jim ] Come on!
[ Wick and Jim get up and begin to leave ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges returning to their hotel room ]
MOE: Boy, oh boy! We sure put that over!
LARRY Yes, sir!
MOE: We’re gonna be set for life!
SHEMP: To say nothin’ but the dough we got!
LARRY: We’ll be members of the cabinet!
[ Wick and Jim appear from behind the curtains and sneak over to behind the Stooges with bats in their hands ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Yeah, I’ll make you Secretary of Offense.
LARRY: Thanks!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] And you -- Secretary of Inferior.
SHEMP: Thanks!
MOE: And I’ll be Toastmaster General!
WICK: If you live long enough!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] That’s a nice crack to make!
SHEMP: I didn’t say anything!
LARRY: Me, either!
WICK: But I did!
MOE: [ to Wick ] Why don’t you mind your own business?! [ to Shemp and Larry ] Then we’ll all get... [ does a double- take ] NYAAAAAAAAH! [ eyepokes Wick and Jim ]
WICK AND JIM: [ holding their eyes in pain ] WHY...! OOH!!
[ The Stooges run up to the bathroom door ]
SHEMP: OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
[ The Stooges keep pushing each other out of the way while trying to get to the door first ]
WICK: [ to Jim ] Come on!
[ Wick and Jim walk over to the fighting Stooges ]
WICK: Now I gotcha!
[ Wick and Jim swing their bats towards the Stooges, but the Stooges jump out of the way, causing Wick and Jim to hit each other on the head with their bats instead and knock each other dizzy ]
MOE: NYAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH!
[ The Stooges run inside the bathroom and hide behind the door. Wick and Jim try to push open the door ]
WICK: C’mon! Open up that door! Open up! [ to Jim ] They won’t open it. Let’s break it down.
[ Inside the bathroom, Moe silently motions Shemp and Larry to move back ]
WICK: One...two...three!
[ As Wick and Jim run towards the door, Moe quickly pulls it open, causing Wick and Jim to run inside the bathroom. They bump their heads into a wall ]
WICK AND JIM: OHHH!!!
[ Wick and Jim get knocked out and fall into an already- filled bathtub. They look dazedly into blank space as we hear birds chirping in the background ]
MOE: [ to Shemp and Larry ] We took care of them!
WICK AND JIM: [ coming back to ] Uhhh...
MOE: Dunk ‘em, boys!
[ The Stooges dunk Wick and Jim down further into the water, then stand on top of them ]
MOE: Hey, it shouldn’t be a total loss; let’s take a bath!
SHEMP: Okay.
LARRY: Good idea!
[ The Stooges sit in the bathtub on top of Wick and Jim and begin bathing, with their clothes still on ]
SHEMP: [ pointing at his back to Larry ] Here, will you scrub my... [ handing Larry a brush ] Here, take this. [ pointing to his back ] Right here.
[ Larry picks up a bar of soap from the floor ]
SHEMP: [ pointing to his back ] Right here! Give it to me!
LARRY: Wait a minute.
[ THE END ]
[ The short opens inside of an office with a close-up of a poster that reads: CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS – HAMMOND EGGER FOR PRESIDENTâ€. The camera pans over to a name stand on a desk that reads “WM. ‘BILL’ WICK – CAMPAIGN MANAGERâ€. The camera pans up and we see Wick sitting at his desk, reading a report. Wick’s assistant is sitting next to him. ]
WICK: I tell ya, Jim, we gotta do something about this report. Three of our delegates smell a rat.
JIM: We’ll have to kick them out and get new ones! If Egger isn’t elected president, we’ll never be able to make that oil grab.
WICK: You’re right. We gotta get that oil by hook or crook. What we need are three delegates who are too dumb to think and will do what we tell them. Now, where do we find such guys?
[ Suddenly, a knock is heard on the door ]
WICK: Come in.
[ The door opens and janitors Moe, Larry, and Shemp walk in and walk over to Wick’s desk ]
MOE: Sorry to disturb ya, boss, but we gotta clean the joint. I’ll only take a few minutes.
WICK: That’s alright, boys. You won’t disturb us.
MOE: Thank you.
LARRY: Right.
[ The Stooges salute and accidentally hit each other on the head ]
MOE: [ pushing Moe and Larry off-camera ] Oh, c’mon! C’mon!
[ The camera pans over closer to Wick and Jim as they look at the Stooges ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] That’s the wall the boss wants cleaned!
WICK: [ to Jim ] If they’re half as dumb as they look, I think we found our men.
[ Cut over to Larry standing in front of a dirty wall with Moe behind him ]
MOE: Wash the wall and don’t spare the water.
LARRY: Right.
[ Larry dips his sponge into a pail of water and throws some water from the sponge onto the wall repeatedly. After a few times, Larry accidentally gets some water on Moe when reaching the sponge behind him. Then he accidentally hits Moe on the face with the sponge. The next time Larry reaches the sponge back, Moe grabs Larry’s arm and pushes the sponge into Larry’s face ]
MOE: Get outta here! Get that squeegee and get busy, you porcupine!
LARRY: Ahh...
[ As Moe wipes the water off of his face, Larry picks up a squeegee and begins wiping the water off of the wall with it. When he reaches the squeegee behind him, the end of the squeegee handle hits Moe on the side of the face. ]
MOE: UH!
[ As Moe turns over to Larry, Larry reaches his squeegee back again and the handle hits Moe on the chin ]
MOE: EHH!
[ The handle taps on Moe’s nose repeatedly ]
MOE: NNNNN! [ to Larry ] Hey, you, I’ll...
[ The handle goes inside Moe’s mouth and gets stuck in it ]
MOE: MMMMMPH!
[ Moe kicks Larry back, causing the handle to get pulled out of Moe’s mouth ]
LARRY: [ fearfully backing away ] Excuse me, Moe! I didn’t mean it! Honestly, I...
MOE: Okay, okay, okay, kid. Relax. Nothin’s gonna happen. Where’s the sponge?
LARRY: [ handing Moe the wet sponge ] Here it is.
MOE: Oh, thanks!
LARRY: Big one, ain’t it?
[ Moe throws the sponge towards Larry’s face, but Larry ducks and the sponge ends up hitting Shemp, who’s busy vacuuming, on back of the head ]
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] You...!
[ Shemp takes his vacuum and walks over towards Moe and Larry. Moe is nosehonking Larry repeatedly ]
LARRY: Oh, Moe! Oh! Oh!
[ Shemp places his vacuum on a table and walks over to Moe ]
SHEMP: Hey, what’s the idea of “spongin’†on me?
MOE: Why don’t you mind your own business?! [ reaches to eyepoke Shemp ]
[ Shemp blocks Moe’s eyepoke with his hand. Moe punches Shemp in the stomach ]
SHEMP: [ releasing his hand-block ] Ohh!
[ Moe now eyepokes Shemp successfully ]
SHEMP: OHH! [ holds his hand in front of Moe’s face ] See that?
MOE: Yeah.
SHEMP: [ gives Moe the hand movement ] There!
MOE: Why, you! [ reaches to eyepoke Shemp again ]
[ Shemp turns around, causing Moe to poke the back of Shemp’s head instead ]
SHEMP AND MOE: OOOH!
MOE: [ holding his eyepoking fingers in pain ] Ooh! Ooh!
SHEMP: Ha, ha! He broke it! He broke it! Ha...
[ Moe raises his “broken†eyepoking fingers and pokes Shemp in the eyes with them ]
SHEMP: OHH! Hey, you got a hangnail, you know that?
MOE: Hangnail, eh? [ begins biting off his hangnail ]
SHEMP: Yeah.
[ Moe spits the hangnail in Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: Ooh! [ looking at Moe’s finger ] You didn’t get it all; there’s another! [ begins biting Moe’s finger ]
[ Moe tries to get Shemp off by biting his nose as Larry tries to stop them ]
SHEMP: OWWWWWW!!! OWWWWW!!!! UHHHHH-UHH!!!!
[ Cut over to Wick and Jim watching the Stooges. Wick is watching in amusement ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] What do you want here?!
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] What are you buttin’ in for?!
[ Jim turns his attention over to Shemp’s vacuum on the table by the Stooges, which is sucking up the papers next to it ]
JIM: Hey! [ walks over to the arguing Stooges and breaks up the fight ] Hey, your vacuum is sucking up all those papers!
SHEMP: Oh, I’m sorry! [ picks up the vacuum and holds it over his shoulder ]
JIM: [ to Moe and Larry ] You boys are gonna have to be more...
[ The vacuum over Shemp’s shoulder sucks Jim’s toupee off ]
JIM: I... [ feeling the top of his head ] My...my toup... [ turns over to Shemp ] Hey! My toupee is in your vacuum! You...
SHEMP: [ stands the vacuum down on the floor ] Oh, it is?
MOE: Look, you idiot, you scalped him!
JIM: Yeah!
SHEMP: I’ll get it for you! Don’t worry! [ opens the vacuum bag and starts searching through it ]
[ Moe and Larry sit Jim down and try to calm him ]
JIM: I know, but... I know, but...
LARRY: Don’t worry about it!
JIM: But my...
LARRY: Shemp, hurry up!
SHEMP: [ pulling the dust-filled toupee out of the bag ] I got it!
[ Shemp places the dirty toupee on top of Jim’s head, getting dust all over Jim’s face and causing a coughing fit ]
SHEMP: There it is, right there!
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ brushing the dust off of the toupee ] Take it easy, now. Take it easy. [ looking at the toupee ] This thing’ll never stay on!
[ Larry returns, with a hammer and nail ]
LARRY: Hold everything! I’ll fix it so he’ll never lose it! [ holds the nail on top of Jim’s head and gets ready to hammer it in ]
MOE: Okay... [ does a double-take ] Wait a minute!
[ Larry stops ]
MOE: Are you out of your mind?! [ a beat ] You wanna punch a hole in this man’s toupee?!
[ Cut over to Shemp picking up a bottle of glue ]
JIM: [ off-camera ] You boys are gonna have to pay! I’ve...I’ve no...I’ve never heard such a thing! Ohh!
[ Shemp reaches off-camera and takes Jim’s toupee ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Take it nice and easy. Relax.
JIM: [ off-camera ] Never!! I’ll no... You...
[ Shemp pours glue inside of the toupee ]
JIM: OHHH! Never in my life have I had such...
SHEMP: [ holding the glue-filled toupee at Moe ] Here ya are, Moe! Here ya are! Shine up that honeydew.
MOE: Okay. Okay, boy. [ dips a brush in the glue inside the toupee, then brushes the glue on Jim’s head ]
SHEMP: That’s it.
JIM: Wh-What’s going on?! I tell you... Ohh! What is this?!
SHEMP: [ places the toupee on Jim’s head ] There it is!
[ Glue from the toupee drips all down Jim’s face as the Stooges try to straighten out the toupee on his head ]
JIM: Wait a minute! What’s going on here?! What are you men doing?! You can’t do that!
[ Briefly cut over to Wick sitting at his desk, watching the whole fiasco in amusement ]
WICK: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
SHEMP: There ya are! You look beautiful!
MOE: Your own mother wouldn’t recognize ya!
LARRY: To coin a phrase -- it''s your toupee, and you’re “stuck†with it!
JIM: OHHHHH!!!! [ storms off-camera ]
LARRY: Ha, ha, ha, ha! [ to Moe ] Get it? Toupee? “Stuck†with it?
MOE: [ sarcastically ] Ha, ha, ha, ha... [ slaps the glue- covered brush on Larry’s mouth ] There! You idiot!
LARRY: [ trying to pull the brush off of his mouth ] MMM!
[ Cut over to Jim angrily walking up to Wick’s desk ]
JIM: Those stupid idiots!! Grr! How dumb can guys be?!
WICK; Relax, Jim! Relax! [ whispering ] They’re just what the doctor ordered!
JIM: Hmm?
WICK: [ to the Stooges ] Hey, boys, come here. Hurry!
[ The Stooges run over to Wick’s desk ]
WICK: How’d you boys like to make a lot of easy money?
MOE: You name it, we’ll do it.
WICK: Good. We’d like you boys to be delegates for the presidential convention.
MOE: You’re a cinch, boss! We know all about presidential conventions! We’ve seen them on the television! [ to Shemp and Larry ] Show ‘em, boys!
[ The Stooges run over and grab several pickets with campaign slogans for Hammond Egger ]
MOE: And perk it up like you’re at the convention now!
SHEMP: WE’RE AT THE CONVENTION! WE’RE AT THE CONVENTION! The hall’s a bedlam!
MOE: The people are milling about and it’s impossible to move!
LARRY: Everyone is shouting and talking hysterically!
MOE: You have to elbow your way through the crowd!
[ Wick has a confused expression on his face ]
SHEMP: We scream and holler and above the din and roar, our voices blast out: “Vote for the one and only -- that fearless, that honest man! Of the people, by the people, for the people, and against the people!†So, let’s vote for... [ pause ] Moe, who should we vote for???
MOE: Vote for that Ham...uh...Hammond Egger! [ bonks Shemp on the head ]
SHEMP: Ooh!
LARRY: The place is a bedlam! Trumpets are blasting! [ imitating a fanfare ] Dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah, DAH-dah-dah-DAHHHHH!
SHEMP: [ pretending to look through binoculars ] They’re off and runnin’ around the far turn. White Sox out in front. Cardinals are runnin’ close by. The Giants are comin’ up fast. He’s comin’ again...
MOE: [ stopping Shemp ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! You’re at the wrong convention! [ imitating a drum roll ] Bdddddum! Bddddddddum-bump!
ALL STOOGES: [ singing ] Hammond Egger wants your vote
Shout his praises from your throat
You’ll eat steak instead of stew
Five, Four, Three, Two
Three, Two
Three, Two...
SHEMP: Hold it! Hold it! [ with Italian accent ] I’m-a demand-a a recount!
MOE: What’s the delegate’s name?
SHEMP: [ with Italian accent ] Geronimo Famarico Porto!
MOE: [ with Italian accent ] Ohh, ya tee benafoochi timi nicaronja?
SHEMP: [ with Italian accent ] Ah hum sula ta patula!
MOE: How many votes?
SHEMP: [ with Italian accent ] A-two!
MOE: [ holding up two fingers ] Two?
SHEMP: [ with Italian accent ] Yeah, two!
MOE: You got your recount! [ eyepokes Shemp ] Get outta hea!
SHEMP: OHHHH!!!
MOE: The convention is getting out of control! [ bangs hammer on desk like a gavel ] Will the sergeant- at-arms please clear the aisle?
[ Larry moves his arms like he’s clearing away people ]
MOE: Order! Order!
LARRY: I’ll take a steak and French fries!
MOE: You’re “out of orderâ€! [ bangs the hammer on Larry’s head ] Get outta here! We’re goin’ to this convention like soldiers! Fall in!
[ The Stooges stand in a straight line, with Shemp on the left end, Moe in the middle, and Larry on the right end ]
MOE: Right shoulder arms!
[ Shemp and Larry hold their pickets over their right shoulders ]
MOE: About face!
[ Shemp and Larry turn towards the left, but their picket signs smack Moe in the neck and the back of his head ]
MOE: OH! [ grabbing Shemp and Larry ] Get over here! Get around here!
SHEMP Alright!
[ The Stooges stumble around trying to get in place ]
[ Cut to Wick and Jim watching the Stooges ]
WICK: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] Don’t spin me! Don’t spin me!
[ Cut back to the Stooges; Shemp and Larry are now standing in opposite places ]
MOE: Now -- About face!
[ Shemp and Larry turn to the right and their picket signs hit Moe again ]
MOE: OH! [ grabbing Shemp and Larry’s pickets ] Why, you!
[ Shemp and Larry run out the door ]
MOE: [ running after them ] I’ll murder you guys!
[ The picket signs get stuck in the door, causing Moe to fall down on the floor. Shemp and Larry run back in the room and help Moe up ]
[ Fade-out ]
[ Fade-in to a banner hanging outside that says “DELEGATES WELCOME TO CONVENTION CITY†]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges walking inside their hotel room ]
SHEMP: Ohh, are my feet sore!
MOE: I’m all in. You know, a guy takes a terrible beatin’ at these conventions!
[ The Stooges throw their jackets off and Shemp walks off- camera ]
LARRY: I’ll say! [ notices food and coffee on the table ] Hey, I’m glad room service sent the food up; I’m dyin’ for a cup of coffee.
MOE: Me, too.
[ Cut to Shemp in the bathroom, filling a bucket with water from the bathtub ]
SHEMP: [ yelling to off-camera ] Pour me some coffee, too!
[ Shemp takes the bucket out of the tub, then walks out of the bathroom and sits down next to a table ]
SHEMP: Oh, my foot is killin’ me!
[ Shemp takes his shoe off and smoke comes from his foot and his foot begins whimpering like a dog ]
SHEMP: Be quiet! Fido, be quiet!
[ The whimpering continues ]
SHEMP: [ feeling his hot foot ] Oh, is that foot hot!
[ Shemp takes off his sock, then dips his foot into the bucket of water. The water begins sizzling. ]
SHEMP: [ relieved ] Ahh! Ahh! Hahhhhhhhhh!!!
[ Cut to Larry pouring coffee in three cups. When he’s done, he adds a whole bunch of spoons of sugar into one cup of coffee, stirs it around, then takes a little sip and quickly spits it back out in disgust ]
LARRY: [ handing the cup to Shemp ] Here’s your coffee, Shemp.
SHEMP: Oh, thanks. Thanks, Larry.
[ Shemp takes one sip of the coffee, then shakes his head in dissatisfaction. He adds in a few more spoons of sugar into the coffee and stirs it around as Larry looks on in surprise. After taking another sip, Shemp is still dissatisfied with the taste. Shemp then takes only a pinch of sugar with two fingers, adds it into the coffee, stirs it around, tastes it again and is finally happy with the taste. Larry shakes his head in the background in disbelief ]
SHEMP: You know, Larry, I was just thinking -- it''s a lucky thing we found out Hammond Egger is a crook before we voted for him.
LARRY: Yeah, and won’t Wick burn when he finds out we’re not gonna vote for his candidate!
[ Moe walks over to the table and takes his cup of coffee ]
MOE: Say, boys, we’d better caucus.
SHEMP: Not me! All day long we had a rump session, and now you want me to caucus?! I’m gonna have my coffee; go caucus yourself!
MOE: [ waving his arm ] Ohh! [ walks away ]
[ Shemp brings his cup of coffee up to his mouth to take a drink from it, but the spoon in the cup pokes him in the right eye ]
SHEMP: [ rubbing his eye ] Well, I’ll fix that.
[ Shemp moves the spoon over to the other side, then brings the cup up to his mouth to drink from it. The spoon pokes him in the left eye this time and some coffee gets into his eye ]
SHEMP: I got a hot eye! I heard of “hot feetâ€, but never a “hot eyeâ€! [ puts the cup of coffee down on the table ] Well, I’ll fix this, alright! I’ll fix this. [ bends the spoon handle backwards ] There we are! That’s better!
[ Shemp takes a drink from his coffee, then hiccups and slaps himself in the back of the neck ]
[ Moe walks back up to the table ]
MOE: Hey, fellas, I finished my nomination speech. Listen -- [ reading from a paper ] “Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen, fellow degenerates...†[ does a double- take, then scribbles on the paper ] Uh, “...delegates. In these sordid and morbid times when our national economy is at stake -- and ‘steak’ is $3.00 a pound.†[ to Shemp and Larry ] Heh, heh, heh! [ clears throat in embarrassment, then continues reading ] “...there is a crying need for a man of destiny to step forth. What our country needs it tax reform and land reform. Instead, all we get is chloroform! Shall we continue to remain asleep?†[ holds up an APPLAUD sign, then looks at Shemp and Larry off-camera in shock ]
[ Cut to Shemp and Larry asleep on the table and snoring loudly. Moe walks over to them and bonks their heads together, waking them up ]
LARRY: OWW!
MOE: [ holding the APPLAUD sign up again ] Pay attention; can’t you read the sign?
SHEMP: [ trying to read the sign ] Who’s smokin’?
MOE: [ hitting Shemp with the sign ] Get outta here!
SHEMP: [ holding his head ] Ohh!
MOE: [ reading from the paper ] “Washington freed the country. Lincoln freed the slaves. Our candidate will free the working man from work!†[ holds up the APPLAUD sign ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ clapping ] Hooray!
MOE: Thank you. Thank you, gentlemen. [ reading from the paper ] “From now on, there will be a two-hour week!†[ holds up the APPLAUD sign ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ standing up ] YAAAAY!!
[ Larry jumps up and down next to Moe as Shemp does summersaults on the floor ]
SHEMP: HOORAY! HIYA! HIYA! HEY! HA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA- CHA-CHA! HEY! [ tries to do another summersault but accidentally sticks his head in the bucket of water ]
[ As Shemp takes his head out of the water, Moe and Larry run over and help him up ]
MOE: What’s the matter with you?!
[ Shemp spits a mouthful of water in Moe’s face ]
SHEMP: Ohh! That two-hour week, that got me! That two- hour week! That’s for me!
MOE: Don’t be a chump, ya chump! Ya can’t believe all that stuff -- that’s a campaign promise! [ slaps Shemp ] Go on!
[ The Stooges walk back to the table, and Shemp and Larry sit back down ]
SHEMP: Wait’ll I cool off this hot foot. [ dips his foot back into the bucket of water ] [ to Moe ] Go ahead.
MOE: [ looking at his paper ] Now then --
SHEMP: Yeah?
MOE: Where was I? Oh, yeah! [ reading from the paper ] “Therefore, delegates, it is my extreme honor to nominate for our next president, Abel Lamb Stewer!â€
SHEMP AND LARRY: HOORAY!! HIYA! HIYA! HEY! HO!
[ Moe holds up a campaign poster that says: “DON’T BE A MUTTONHEAD - VOTE ABEL LAMB STEWER FOR PRESIDENTâ€; Below the writing is a picture of Stewer, who’s face resembles an actual lamb ]
[ Larry and Shemp stand up and the Stooges begin throwing confetti from their pockets into the air, then in each other’s faces ]
ALL STOOGES: YAAAY! YAAAY! ABEL LAMB STEWER! HEY!
[ The Stooges throw all nearby objects like food and jackets into the air ]
MOE: EVERYBODY GET ON THE BANDWAGON FOR STEWER!
SHEMP: HA FOR STEWER! [ throws a pie in the air and it lands in front of him ]
MOE AND LARRY: WE WANT STEWER!
SHEMP: OH, STEWER! [ throws another pie in the air ]
MOE AND LARRY: WE WANT STEWER!
[ As Shemp looks in the air, waiting for the pie to come back down, it falls and splatters right in his face ]
MOE: [ angrily ] Now look at the mess ya made!
SHEMP: You made it, too!
MOE: Well, so I did. [ to Larry ] Hey, porcupine, c’mon! Let’s clean the place up!
SHEMP: I’d better wash up! [ smacks himself in the face several times ]
[ Dissolve to Moe and Larry cleaning up all the confetti from the floor ]
MOE: Hey, it must’ve been an awful job to cut all these little pieces of confetti out with a scissors.
LARRY: With a scissors?! They don’t use a scissors, ya dope!
MOE: No???
LARRY: No, a razor blade!
MOE: Oh!
[ Cut over to a parrot flying inside the window of the room and crawling around ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] How much money did Stewer’s manager give you for your vote?
LARRY: [ off-camera ] $1,500.
MOE: [ off-camera ] Then we can buy a yacht.
LARRY: [ off-camera ] And go fishin’!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Hey, you got worms?
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Yeah, but I’m goin’ anyhow!
[ The parrot flies inside of a cooked turkey on the table ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Hey, somethin’ smells strong around here.
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Don’t look at me; I changed my socks yesterday!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Well, congratulations!
[ Shemp walks out of the bathroom after cleaning his face off ]
SHEMP: Hey, let’s eat! I’m hungry!
MOE: Me, too. I could eat a horse.
SHEMP: Don’t look at me!
MOE: I said a “horseâ€, not a “jackassâ€!
[ Shemp angrily waves his arm at Moe ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Go on; get busy.
LARRY: Okay!
[ Shemp and Moe sit down. Larry takes a knife and pitchfork and sticks the pitchfork in the turkey, causing the parrot to squawk in pain. Larry twitches in surprise ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] What are you screamin’ about?! Go on, carve the turkey!
LARRY: I can’t! This thing isn’t cooked!
MOE: How do you know?!
LARRY: I jabbed it with a fork, and it hollered “Help!â€
MOE: [ standing up ] Stand aside, lamebrain! I’ll carve it!
[ Moe sticks the pitchfork in the turkey, causing the parrot to squawk again ]
MOE: NYAAAH-AAAAH! It’s haunted!
SHEMP: What are you tryin’ to do, starve me?! [ pushing Larry ] Get over here! [ to Moe ] Why don’t you quit playin’ and carve that turkey?!
MOE: I’m scared to touch it!
SHEMP: Scared?! You’re crazy! [ rubbing the turkey ] Look at that beautiful breast!
[ The parrot laughs and the Stooges jump in fear ]
SHEMP: No wonder you can’t carve it; it’s ticklish!
MOE: Hey, maybe a little seasoning will tenderize it. [ to Larry ] Pass me the black pepper.
[ Larry hands Moe the pepper shaker and Moe puts some of the black pepper on the turkey ]
MOE: That oughta do it.
[ The parrot sneezes ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Gesundheit!
[ The parrot sneezes again and the Stooges do a double- take ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, I got an idea -- I''ll stuff the turkey with crackers, let ‘im soak up the gravy, then we eat the crackers!
MOE: Smart thinking! [ to Shemp ] Hey, let me fix that [ pointing to the napkin under Shemp’s neck ]; you’re losin’ it. [ begins fixing Shemp’s napkin ]
[ Larry picks up a cracker and is about to put it inside the turkey ]
LARRY: Hey, we’d better hurry because if we don’t get there in time, we’ll miss the whole...
[ The parrot snatches the cracker out of Larry’s hand. Larry scratches his head in confusion when he notices the cracker is gone, then shrugs and takes out another cracker ]
LARRY: That’s funny! I had a cracker in my hand, and before I knew what happened...
[ The parrot snatches the cracker out of Larry’s hand again, and Larry jumps in shock ]
MOE: Quit stallin’! How about those crackers?
LARRY: I can’t do anything! This turkey keeps grabbin’ the crackers outta my hand!
MOE: You’re crazy! Next thing you’ll tell me, it’s walkin’!
[ The Stooges look at the table and watch in shock as the parrot inside the turkey walks around the table ]
MOE: Nyaaah!
SHEMP: Eeb-eeb-eeb!
MOE: NYAAAAH!
SHEMP: [ grabbing a ham ] Wait a minute! I’ll kill it!
[ Shemp swings the ham backwards and accidentally hits Moe on the head, knocking him down to the floor ]
SHEMP: I’m sorry, Moe! [ to the turkey ] Why, you!
[ As Shemp tries to reach over to the table to hit the turkey, he falls on top of the table, causing it to break and fall to the ground. The parrot walks away. Moe and Larry help Shemp up ]
SHEMP: Where’d he go???
LARRY: [ pointing off-camera ] He went that-a-way!
[ An alarm clock in the background suddenly rings ]
SHEMP: I’ll get it! [ pushing Moe and Larry away ] Look out!
[ Shemp runs over to the alarm clock and looks at the time ]
SHEMP: Hey, fellas, we gotta rush back to the convention! [ opens a drawer and puts the clock in there ] Choke it! [ closes the drawer on his hand by accident ] OHH! Ow!
MOE: C’mon, we’d better hurry up!
[ The Stooges quickly begin putting their hats and jackets on. Moe puts his arm through one side of a jacket, and Shemp puts his arm through the other ]
MOE: Let’s go.
SHEMP: Alright.
[ Moe and Shemp try to walk away but notice that they’re stuck in the same jacket ]
MOE: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
SHEMP: Whaddaya doin’?
MOE: Whaddaya mean what am I doin’?!
[ Camera does a wipe-effect to Wick and Jim sitting at home, watching a report on television ]
TV ANNOUNCER: And now, to recap the voting. It is the 65th ballot and the score is tied between Hammond Egger and Abel Lamb Stewer. There’s some excitement on the floor, ladies and gentlemen. Just a minute, please, until I check on it.
WICK: Where are those three idiots?! Why don’t they cast their votes? That’ll put us over.
TV ANNOUNCER: The three delegates from the 8th, 9th, and 10th district have just cast their vote.
WICK: Oh, boy, that’s us! We’re in the bag!
TV ANNOUNCER: A great upset! A great upset!
[ Wick begins drinking from a glass ]
TV ANNOUNCER: The three delegates who were committed to Egger have just switched their votes in favor of Stewer!
[ As he hears this, Wick spits his drink out onto Jim in surprise ]
TV ANNOUNCER: Stewer is the nominee for president!
WICK: Those dirty, double-crossin’ rats! [ to Jim ] Come on!
[ Wick and Jim get up and begin to leave ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges returning to their hotel room ]
MOE: Boy, oh boy! We sure put that over!
LARRY Yes, sir!
MOE: We’re gonna be set for life!
SHEMP: To say nothin’ but the dough we got!
LARRY: We’ll be members of the cabinet!
[ Wick and Jim appear from behind the curtains and sneak over to behind the Stooges with bats in their hands ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Yeah, I’ll make you Secretary of Offense.
LARRY: Thanks!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] And you -- Secretary of Inferior.
SHEMP: Thanks!
MOE: And I’ll be Toastmaster General!
WICK: If you live long enough!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] That’s a nice crack to make!
SHEMP: I didn’t say anything!
LARRY: Me, either!
WICK: But I did!
MOE: [ to Wick ] Why don’t you mind your own business?! [ to Shemp and Larry ] Then we’ll all get... [ does a double- take ] NYAAAAAAAAH! [ eyepokes Wick and Jim ]
WICK AND JIM: [ holding their eyes in pain ] WHY...! OOH!!
[ The Stooges run up to the bathroom door ]
SHEMP: OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
[ The Stooges keep pushing each other out of the way while trying to get to the door first ]
WICK: [ to Jim ] Come on!
[ Wick and Jim walk over to the fighting Stooges ]
WICK: Now I gotcha!
[ Wick and Jim swing their bats towards the Stooges, but the Stooges jump out of the way, causing Wick and Jim to hit each other on the head with their bats instead and knock each other dizzy ]
MOE: NYAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH!
[ The Stooges run inside the bathroom and hide behind the door. Wick and Jim try to push open the door ]
WICK: C’mon! Open up that door! Open up! [ to Jim ] They won’t open it. Let’s break it down.
[ Inside the bathroom, Moe silently motions Shemp and Larry to move back ]
WICK: One...two...three!
[ As Wick and Jim run towards the door, Moe quickly pulls it open, causing Wick and Jim to run inside the bathroom. They bump their heads into a wall ]
WICK AND JIM: OHHH!!!
[ Wick and Jim get knocked out and fall into an already- filled bathtub. They look dazedly into blank space as we hear birds chirping in the background ]
MOE: [ to Shemp and Larry ] We took care of them!
WICK AND JIM: [ coming back to ] Uhhh...
MOE: Dunk ‘em, boys!
[ The Stooges dunk Wick and Jim down further into the water, then stand on top of them ]
MOE: Hey, it shouldn’t be a total loss; let’s take a bath!
SHEMP: Okay.
LARRY: Good idea!
[ The Stooges sit in the bathtub on top of Wick and Jim and begin bathing, with their clothes still on ]
SHEMP: [ pointing at his back to Larry ] Here, will you scrub my... [ handing Larry a brush ] Here, take this. [ pointing to his back ] Right here.
[ Larry picks up a bar of soap from the floor ]
SHEMP: [ pointing to his back ] Right here! Give it to me!
LARRY: Wait a minute.
[ THE END ]
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