Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
This website is made possible, in part, by displaying a few online advertisements to our visitors.
Please consider supporting us by disabling your ad blocker for this site.
Please consider supporting us by disabling your ad blocker for this site.
Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2003-07-13
LISTEN JUDGE
[ The short opens with an outside shot of a courthouse ]
[ Camera dissolves inside the courthouse, where a trial is taking place; Moe, Larry, and Shemp are standing in front of the judge’s stand, with two cops standing on opposite sides of the judge’s stand. Moe is wearing a large board sign that says “JIFFY FIXERS - WE REPAIR ENYTHING – IT’S DONE IN A FLASH FOR VERY SMALL CASH†]
JUDGE: [ to one of the cops ] Officer Ryan, you deserve a sharp reprimand for taking up the valuable time of this court with these flimsy cases! [ to the other cop ] And so does Officer Casey! [ pointing at the Stooges ] These men cannot be held for vagrancy! They have visible means of support!
[ Larry opens his suit coat and grabs one of his suspenders ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Does he mean our suspenders?
MOE: [ pulling the suspender ] Ohhh... [ lets go of the suspender, causing it to snap against Larry’s chest ]
LARRY: OW!
JUDGE: QUIET! [ tries to bang his gavel on the stand while looking down at a paper, but accidentally hits Officer Ryan’s hand ]
OFFICER RYAN: OWW!
JUDGE: I’m sorry, officer! [ looks at a paper ] This other charge -- chicken stealing. [ to the cops ] I’m not gonna make these poor unfortunates the victims of your prejudice and guesswork. Case dismissed for lack of evidence! [ to the Stooges ] You’re free, boys!
ALL STOOGES: Oh, thank you, your honor.
[ Suddenly, a chicken pokes his head out of Shemp’s suit coat and begins clucking. Shemp and Larry quickly stuff the chicken back in his suit coat ]
[ The judge looks up at the Stooges in confusion ]
SHEMP: [ clucking ]
JUDGE: What’s the matter with him?!
MOE: Oh, he thinks he’s a chicken.
JUDGE: Why don’t you put him in an institution?
LARRY: We can’t -- we need the eggs!
MOE: [ bonking Larry on the head ] Quiet!
[ The chicken flies out of Shemp’s suit coat and flies right into the judge''s face ]
MOE: Every man for himself!
[ The Stooges run towards the door ]
SHEMP: WHOA-OH-OH!
[ The Stooges run through the two doors and the two cops follow them. The Stooges push the doors towards the cops, knocking them down ]
[ Scene dissolves to the Stooges standing outside of the door to someone’s house. Shemp is now wearing the large "JIFFY FIXERS" board sign. He pulls a card off of the door. ]
SHEMP: Moe, you’re wastin’ your time! [ shows Moe the card ]
MOE: [ reading the card ] “Doorbell out of order.â€
SHEMP: If the doorbell is out of order, how are they gonna know we’re out here?!
MOE: Why don’t you use your head?!
SHEMP: Yeah! [ begins banging his head on the door repeatedly ]
MOE: [ looking off-camera ] Come in! [ turns over to Shemp and notices him banging his head on the door ]
SHEMP: [ stops banging his head ] Ain’t no answer!
MOE: There ain’t, eh? Well, get one! [ shoves Shemp into the door ]
SHEMP: OH!
[ The door opens and a woman named Mrs. Henderson appears ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Stop it! Stop it, before you knock the door down!
MOE: Well, that’s what your company will do if you don’t have the doorbell fixed.
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! Can you fix it?
MOE: Can we fix it!
LARRY: Can we fix it!
SHEMP: Can we???
[ Larry and Mrs. Henderson walk inside of the house; Moe walks over to Shemp ]
MOE: Why, you... [ aims a punch at Shemp ]
[ Shemp quickly lifts up his board sign and causes Moe to smash his fist into it ]
MOE: OH! OOH! OOH! [ sneaks behind Shemp ]
[ Shemp peeks over his board sign and sees that Moe isn’t there, so he happily lowers his board sign. Moe taps Shemp on back of the head. Shemp looks back and Moe greets him by crunching his nose with pliers and pushing him in the house ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH, MOE!
MRS. HENDERSON: What is the meaning of this?!
LARRY: Well, lady...
[ Shemp accidentally bumps into Larry, causing Larry to bump into a shelf. A vase on top of the shelf falls over. ]
MRS. HENDERSON: AAAAHHHH!!! [ catches the vase ] Oh! Dear me! This vase is worth $3000!
ALL STOOGES: [ in elegant voices ] Vase!
MOE: [ in elegant voice ] Eh what, Harry, old boy?
SHEMP: [ to Larry, in elegant voice ] Do you have a bloater?
LARRY: [ in elegant voice ] No, but I have a sardine!
MOE: [ normal voice ] You’ll have to beat it, lady. We got a lot of work to do! [ pushes Mrs. Henderson away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: OH!
MOE: Thank you. [ looks around the place ] Now, you know, this looks like a simple job for simple people.
LARRY: Right!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp’s board sign off, then turn it to the other side and stand it up on the ground. The sign now says “MEN AT WORKâ€. ]
MOE: Chisel!
LARRY: Chisel! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a chisel from his toolbelt ]
MOE: Screwdriver!
LARRY: Screwdriver! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a screwdriver from his belt ]
MOE: Pliers!
LARRY: Pliers! [ spins Shemp around again and takes pliers from his belt ]
MOE: Brace & Bit!
LARRY: Brace & Bit! [ spins Shemp around and takes a bit from his belt ] Hold still! [ walks off-camera ]
SHEMP: Cut it out, fellas! I’m gettin’ dizzy!
MOE: Ah, you were born dizzy! Gimme that hammer! [ tries to pull a hammer from Shemp’s toolbelt but has trouble getting it out ]
SHEMP: Here, let me! [ pulls the hammer out and accidentally hits Moe on the face with it ]
MOE: OOH! [ hits Shemp on the head with the hammer ]
SHEMP: OH! OH!!
MOE: Shut up, now! There’s something wrong with the wiring!
[ Camera cuts over to Larry chopping a hole in the wall with an axe ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] We gotta find the wire!
[ Larry digs in the hole in the wall and pulls out a wire ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, I found a wire!
MOE: Good work, Larry! You keep it up and I’m gonna give you some C-A-N-D-Y! [ holds up a lollipop ]
LARRY: Eh, I don’t smoke!
[ Shemp begins licking the lollipop that Moe’s holding up ]
MOE: [ slapping the lollipop against Shemp’s face ] Get away!
[ The lollipop sticks to the side of Shemp’s face, but he continues licking it anyway ]
MOE: Oh, no you don’t! [ takes out a plunger, yanks the lollipop off Shemp’s face, and sticks the plunger on Shemp’s face ] C’mon. [ walks over towards Larry and pulls Shemp by the plunger ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH!
[ When they get over to Larry, Moe forcefully yanks the plunger off Shemp’s face ]
LARRY: [ points to the wire ] Hey, Moe, there’s the wire.
MOE: Nice work, old man. Trace it!
LARRY: Right!
[ Larry begins yanking the wire, and it rips upwards through the wall. Larry continues doing this until the wire rips through a painting on the wall and knocks it down over Moe’s head, causing his head to bust through it ]
MOE: OHH!
SHEMP: Oh, Moe!
LARRY: Sorry, Moe. You told me to trace the wire!
MOE: That’s alright, son. I’ve been “framedâ€! Get it? Ha, ha, ha!
LARRY: Ha, ha! He’s been “framedâ€!
SHEMP: Ha, ha!
MOE: [ takes the painting off of him ] But you guys are gonna take the “rapâ€! [ bonks Shemp and Larry over the head with a stick ]
SHEMP: OOH! OOH! OH!
MOE: Check those wires for a short! [ walks off-camera ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] Check those wires for a short.
[ Shemp bends down to the hole in the wall and begins pulling the wire for a long time ]
SHEMP: There’s nothin’ short about this!
LARRY: Go on!
[ Shemp continues pulling the wire ]
[ cut to Moe entering the kitchen and walking up to the chef ]
MOE: Hiya! I came to fix the doorbell. Where is it, buddy?
CHEF: [ with French accent ] “Monsieur†buddy to you! [ pointing to the wall ] There she is on the wall.
MOE: Oh, “she†is on the wall.
CHEF: Oui.
[ As the chef is about the place a bowl of eggs on the table, Moe moves the table over to the wall, and the bowl misses the table and crashes on the floor ]
CHEF: You IDIOT, you! You...you...
MOE: “Imbecile�
CHEF: [ kindly ] Oui, oui oui... [ yelling again ] You IMBECILE, you! [ takes off his chef hat ] This kitchen is not big enough for us both! Either you stay, or I go!
MOE: That let’s you out! So long! [ turns away ]
CHEF: Oui... [ does a double-take, then grabs Moe back by the shoulder ] We will see about that, buddy!
MOE: RUFF!
CHEF: ROWL!! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: Go on, ya French poodle! Your father’s got fleas! [ climbs up on the table ] Ah! [ looks at the doorbell up on the wall, then takes out a screwdriver and begins taking the doorbell apart with it ] Heh. “She†is on the wall! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [ pulls the doorbell wire ]
[ Cut to the other side of the wall, where Shemp is holding on to the other end of the doorbell wire and Moe’s tug pulls Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ pulls the wire even harder ]
[ Cut back to Moe on the other side of the wall, being pulled into the wall ]
MOE: Oh, opposition, eh? [ tries to pull the wire, but Shemp’s forceful tugging on the other side pulls Moe back into the wall again ] Why, you!
[ Moe tugs on the wire too hard, causing him to knock down and fall off of the table he’s standing on over. He still holds on to the wire even as this happens. A bowl of flour on one end of the table shoots up in the air ]
[ Camera cuts over to the chef looking off-camera at Moe. Suddenly, the bowl of flour crashes on top of the chef’s head ]
CHEF: OOOH! OOH! That settles it! I quit!
[ Cut back to Shemp ]
SHEMP: Mmm! Tough, eh?!
[ Shemp pulls his end of the wire again, causing Moe to get yanked up from the floor and crashing into the wall ]
MOE: OH! [ throws his hat down in anger ] Mutiny, eh?! I’ll show you!
[ Moe wraps the wire around his arm, then gives it a really good yank, pulling Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! LARRY!
[ Larry enters ]
SHEMP: Gimme a hand, will ya?!
LARRY: Alright!
SHEMP: Gimme a hand!
LARRY: C’mon.
SHEMP: Get around me!
[ Larry wraps his arms around Shemp’s waist ]
LARRY: Let’s go!
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ pulling the wire ] One...two...and a- THREE!! [ forcefully yank the wire ]
[ Cut to Moe, who’s legs are sticking out of a big hole on his side of the wall he just crashed through ]
MOE: I’ll moider somebody!
SHEMP AND LARRY: One...two...THREE!
[ Shemp and Larry forcefully yank the wire again, this time pulling Moe all the way to their side of the wall. As he lifts his head from the pile of broken plaster on the floor from the wall, he reveals two pieces of wood stuck in his mouth, which look like buck teeth. ]
MOE: Ohhhh...
[ Shemp and Larry run up to him ]
LARRY: Look what came through the wall!
SHEMP: A gopher!
[ Shemp and Larry begin hitting Moe on the head with the back of an axe and a hat ]
MOE: OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!
LARRY: Hey, that gopher sounds like Moe!
SHEMP: [ examining the “gopherâ€â€™s face ] It is Moe!
MOE: Get me outta here!
LARRY: Alright, Moe.
[ Shemp and Larry help Moe up from the floor ]
SHEMP: What happened? Where were ya?
MOE: I’ll “gopher†both of ya!!!
[ Shemp and Larry try running away, but Moe grabs them back ]
MOE: Wait’ll I moider ya! Hear me?!
[ Shemp tries climbing into the hole in the wall ]
MOE: Come back outta hea!
[ Moe and Larry pull Shemp back out of the hole ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Shemp!
MOE: [ to Larry ] C’mere, you! [ pulls Larry by the hair, then drags Shemp and Larry away ]
LARRY: OWW! Wait a minute! I’m a victim of circumstance!
[ Dissolve to Shemp sweeping the broken plaster under the carpet while Moe and Larry behind him drag a shelf over to the hole in the wall ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Quiet!
[ Moe and Larry place the shelf over the hole in the wall ]
LARRY: There ya are! Just like an “inferior†decorator!
MOE: Right!
[ The Stooges stop and listen closely as they hear footsteps in the background ]
[ Briefly cut over to Mrs. Henderon dialing a phone ]
SHEMP: [ whispering ] She’s callin’ the cops!
LARRY: [ whispering ] Let’s get outta here!
[ The Stooges begin sneaking away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ off-camera ] Hello? “Superior Employment Agency�
[ The Stooges stop ]
MRS. HENDERSON: This is Mrs. Henderson on Emerald Drive. My chef quit quite unexpectedly.
[ Moe points to his head as if he has an idea, then the Stooges walk over to Mrs. Henderson ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m planning a big dinner party tonight and I’ll need help at once. [ pause ] What?! You’ve no one?! Oh, but you must have! [ pause, then hangs up ] Oh, dear! My last hope!
MOE: Oh, it can’t be that bad, lady. You can always open a can of beans!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh, not for this dinner! I’ve been planning it for weeks! I’ll need a butler, a cook, and a waiter! Oh, I’ll pay anything! Anything at all!
[ The Stooges all look at each other and whisper to each other briefly as if they have a plan ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] We’ll do it as a special accommodation!
MRS. HENDERSON: You mean you three...
MOE: Sure! You know our motto -- "We fix anythingâ€!
SHEMP: It also means we fix dinners!
LARRY: Yeah, just like we fixed the doorbell!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! And did you fix it?
MOE: Did we fix it!
LARRY: Did we fix it!
[ Shemp opens his mouth, but Moe and Larry quickly cover it before he can say anything ]
LARRY: Yes!
MOE: Show the lady, Shemp!
SHEMP: Okay, just tell me when! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] You know, he’s known as “Lightningâ€!
[ Cut to Shemp walking outside of the house and standing next to the doorbell ]
SHEMP: [ yelling in the house ] Ready for testing!
MOE: Ready for testing!
SHEMP: Here she blow!
[ Shemp presses the doorbell. Suddenly, sparks fly out of the doorbell and Shemp gets electrocuted ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OH-OH-OH!!! OH-OH-OH!! OHH!!
[ Back inside the house, Moe and Larry nervously tip their hats to Mrs. Henderson, then run outside the door ]
MOE: Just a minute!
[ Moe and Larry run up to the electrocuting Shemp. Larry touches Shemp’s jacket and receives a shock ]
SHEMP: I’m full of high voltage! Get me loose!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Wait a minute! We’ll rent him out to a light copy! [ takes out a lightbulb ] Testing!
LARRY: Contact!
[ Moe sticks the lightbulb in Shemp’s right ear. The light flickers on each time Shemp yells ]
SHEMP: YEOWWWW! OHHHH!! WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA! EEB- EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: We better short ‘im! [ takes out a screwdriver ]
MOE: Right!
[ Larry sticks the screwdriver in Shemp’s left ear and twists it inside slowly for a few seconds as the lightbulb in Shemp’s other ear quickly flickers on and off over and over. Larry then shoves the screwdriver all the way in Shemp’s ear, causing the lightbulb in the other ear to shatter ]
SHEMP: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[ Moe takes the shattered bulb out of Shemp’s right ear and Larry takes the screwdriver out of Shemp’s left ear, with the metal piece of the screwdriver missing. Larry blows through Shemp’s left ear and into Moe’s eye through Shemp’s right ear. ]
MOE: OOH! [ rubs his eye ]
SHEMP: Ready for testing!
[ Dissolve to the outside of the house; It is now night outside and there is a sign over the doorbell that reads “PLEASE NOCKâ€. ]
[ Dissolve to Moe in the kitchen putting a cherry on top of a muffin ]
MOE: Ha!
[ Cut to Shemp, who’s reading instructions on how to make a turkey ]
SHEMP: “Separate two eggs.†[ sets the two eggs apart on opposite sides of the turkey ] I guess that’s far enough. [ reads the instructions ] “Put ‘em in the turkey.†Any dumbbell would know that! Certainly, “put ‘em in the turkeyâ€! [ puts the two eggs inside the turkey ] Let’s see what’s next. [ reading ] “Half a dozen oysters.†[ puts in five oysters -- including the shells -- inside the turkey ] One... [ looks at the last oyster ] Ohh. Here’s one we didn’t clean! [ takes a pitchfork ] Well, we’ll fix that up! [ takes the oyster out of the shell ] Get out! Look at that stuff! [ puts the oyster shell in the turkey ] Wouldn’t clean ‘em, eh?! [ reading ] “Pinch of salt.†[ pours some salt in his hand, then literally “pinches†it ] Mmm! [ pouring the salt in the turkey ] How do ya like that? [ claps his hands together and accidentally gets some salt in his face ] Pbbtt! Almost got it myself, in fact! Oop -- wait! [ reading ] “Tomatoes.†Certainly. [ grabs a can of tomatoes ] “Red, ripe, puréed tomato.†[ puts the whole can of tomatoes inside the turkey ] Right inside there...
[ Moe walks up to Shemp ]
MOE: You idiot! You imbecile! What’d you put in that turkey?!
SHEMP: Like the book says -- [ takes the can of tomatoes out of the turkey ] This can of tomatoes!
[ Moe grabs the can, rips the paper label off, then stuffs it back inside the turkey ]
MOE: Paper in stuffing... AAAAHH! [ leaves ]
[ Shemp shrugs his shoulders and continues reading instructions ]
SHEMP: “A loaf of break well soaked.†[ grabs a loaf of bread ] Sorry, I have to do it! [ punches the bread repeatedly ] How do ya like that? An upper shoot! A down shoot! [ stops punching ] You got enough? Ya throw in the towel? Well, okay! [ stuffs in it the turkey ] Get in there! That’s it! The next thing! [ picks up a few grapes and stuff them in the turkey ] Yes, a few of these grapes will go in there. That’s right! Yes, sir, one of these. [ throws in some more salt ] A little of this! Yes, sir! [ picks up a bowl of flour ] Gotta take this, [ picks up a sifter ] and this. [ pours flour on the turkey through the sifter ] Gotta sift that out a little bit. [ crunches two eggs on top of the turkey ] Yep, right on top there! Baste it a little bit. And... This one has got pits! How do ya like that? [ crunches the eggs again ] That’s it! Much...
[ Cut to Larry reading instructions ]
LARRY: “Two cups of flour.†[ takes a bowl of flour and pours about half of it into a bigger, empty bowl ] “1/4 pound of butter.†[ takes a plate with 4 sticks of butter on it and dumps all the sticks of butter in the bowl ] “Two cups of milk.†[ takes a milk bottle, and pours in the bowl ] One... [ pours again ] two. [ reads instructions ] Oh, baking powder! Almost forgot! That’s important. [ pours a can of baking powder in the bowl while reading more instructions ]
[ Cut over to Shemp still pouring flour on the turkey ]
SHEMP: Here it is! Fine and dandy! [ puts the sifter down ] Okay, Moe, toikey ready for woiky!
[ Cut to a close-up of the turkey as Shemp zips up its hole. ]
[ Dissolve to a close-up of the turkey burning on fire ]
[ Camera pans back and shows Moe extinguishing the fire, and Shemp watching in disappointment ]
SHEMP: I can’t understand! I can’t understand what happened to that turkey. I only had the dial set at 650 degrees!
MOE: Six hundred an... [ does a double-take ] Listen -- if the cake in that oven turns out like this [ pointing to the turkey ]...you’re gonna be the next one to broil in it! [ turns away from Shemp, then quickly turns back ] And I’m gonna bake ya with nitric acid! Go on, fix that punch and make it snappy!
[ Shemp begins to walk over to the punch, but then he turns back to Moe ]
SHEMP: But the lady said she wanted it weak!
MOE: [ spraying the extinguisher in Shemp’s face ] Go on! Go on!
SHEMP: I’m goin’! Look out! [ walks over to the punch bowl ]
[ Cut to Larry entering the party taking place in the living room, with a platter of onions-on-a-stick in his hand. He walks over to 2 guests ]
LARRY: Here ya are!
[ The two guests look at the onions-on-a-stick in confusion ]
LARRY: I just got a flash from the kitchen! You’d better fill up on these.
[ Cut over to Mrs. Henderson and her husband -- who happens to be the same judge from earlier in the film -- walking over to 2 guests, the Morton’s ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ to the judge ] Herbert, dear, these are my good friends, George and Lydia Morton. [ to the Morton’s ] My husband, Judge Henderson.
[ The judge and Mr. Morton shake hands ]
MR. MORTON: I’m honored, judge.
JUDGE: Glad to know the president of the Voter’s League.
[ Larry barges in between the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
LARRY: Pardon me! [ holds up an onion-on-a-stick to the Morton’s ] May I serve you? [ looks over at the Henderson’s and instantly recognizes the judge ] Help yourself, I’m busy! [ gives Mrs. Morton the platter, then runs back towards the kitchen ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m so sorry!
MRS. MORTON: Really!
MRS. HENDERSON: They’re new here.
JUDGE: Odd -- I think I’ve met him before, but I just can’t place him.
[ Cut back to Shemp and Moe in the kitchen; Shemp is pouring punch in the punch bowl, and Moe is carrying a platter with cups and dishes and a kettle of coffee ]
MOE: Well, so the evening shouldn’t be a total loss, we’ll serve ‘em punch, cake and coffee.
SHEMP: Alright, but don’t mix me up!
[ Moe begins to walk towards the kitchen door ]
[ Cut to Larry running up to outside the kitchen door and pushing it open. Loud crashing noises in the kitchen are heard as Larry twitches in shock. ]
[ Cut back to inside the kitchen; Moe is laying on the floor right next to the door, with an empty platter on his stomach and all the cups and dishes shattered on the floor ]
[ Cut to outside the kitchen door; Larry slowly and fearfully walks up to the door and pushes it open ]
[ Cut back inside the kitchen with a close-up of Larry peeking inside the door. He quickly looks around the place, then smiles at the camera in relief. Suddenly, we hear sizzling noises ]
LARRY: OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
[ Camera pans down and shows Moe on the floor pouring hot coffee on Larry’s feet ]
LARRY: OW, MOE! OOH! OOOOOH!
[ Moe gets up from the floor and grabs Larry ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Moe! We’re in trouble!
MOE: I’ll say you’re in trouble! [ reaches the coffee kettle back and is about to swing it at Larry ]
LARRY: No, no! The judge is out there!
MOE: What judge?!
LARRY: The judge that wants to send us up for life!
SHEMP: Don’t worry. Where there’s life, there’s hope!
MOE: [ bopping Shemp ] Quiet!
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: He’ll never recognize us in these outfits! [ to Larry ] Now, go on. You take care of the cake.
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You, possum-puss -- get that punch out there or you’ll get one from me! [ pushing Shemp away ] Go on!
[ Shemp picks up the bowl of punch ]
MOE: Shake a leg!
[ Literally following Moe’s orders, Shemp shakes his left leg as he walks towards the door ]
[ Dissolve to Shemp in the party room, sucking punch in a baster, then squirting it back out in several glasses. The guests are standing behind him, watching in curiosity. Shemp looks behind him and sees all them staring ]
SHEMP: Don’t stand around like a bunch of buzzards! There’s enough here for everybody!
[ The guests reluctantly go back to conversation with each other ]
SHEMP: [ looking in the punch bowl ] Oh, a “Mazarino†cherry!
[ Shemp rolls his right sleeve up, then dips his right hand in the punch bowl and pulls out the cherry, then eats it. He begins choking for a few seconds, and slaps the back and front of his throat. He picks a glass of punch and drinks from it. Moe walks up behind him. ]
SHEMP: Not bad! [ begins squirting some more punch in the glass with the baster ]
[ Moe grabs the baster away and squirts the punch in Shemp’s face ]
MOE: Now get back in the kitchen and help Larry with that cake! [ pushing Shemp off-camera ] Go on!
[ Moe takes all the empty glasses and dips them in the punch bowl, filling them with punch. He takes the platter and walks off-camera ]
[ Cut over to the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
MR. MORTON: Judge, what do you think of your chances for re-election?
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, I’d say it all depends on what you recommend for the voters.
MR. MORTON: Ha, ha! Well, you’ve made a splendid record, judge, and I think you can safely count on another term.
JUDGE: Thank you.
[ Moe walks into the scene, extending his left hand with the platter of drinks and trying to hide his face from the judge ]
MOE: Have a slug?
JUDGE: Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
MOE: Oh, no, your honor!
JUDGE: You sure I never sent you up?
MOE: No, I’ve never been up...except in an elevator! [ clears his throat nervously ] Pardon me!
[ Moe leaves as Mrs. Henderson tries to take a glass of punch from the platter ]
JUDGE: There’s something strange going on around here!
[ Cut to Shemp and Larry in the kitchen; Larry is taking a cake out of the oven ]
LARRY: A masterpiece! [ places the cake on a table ] How does it look?
SHEMP: It looks good -- but let’s see if it’s done.
[ Shemp takes a fork and sticks it into the cake. All the air quickly gushes out of the cake and it deflates and flattens like a balloon. Shemp and Larry jump in shock ]
LARRY: Moe will kill us! What’ll we do now?!
SHEMP: What can we do? We’ll fill ‘er up -- [ look behind him and notices a gas pipe ] with gas!
LARRY: Now you’re cookin’!
[ Larry runs over and grabs the gas pipe, then brings it over to the cake. He places it right over the hole in the cake, and the cake inflates back up about half-way through ]
LARRY: High enough?
SHEMP: I’ll check. [ takes out a [ ? ] and gushes air from the cake inside of it ] 38 pounds. How many people out there?
LARRY: Oh...about 20.
SHEMP: Oh, we’d better pump it a couple of more slices. Go ahead.
[ Larry adds more air in the cake from the pipe, causing it to fully inflate ]
LARRY: Ready!
[ Larry takes the gas pipe away as Shemp ties up the hole in the cake. ]
SHEMP: Now, you see, if you’ll...
[ The cake suddenly begins floating in the air and Shemp catches it and pulls it back down to the table. Larry runs over to him ]
SHEMP: [ letting go of the cake ] Why don’t you stand over there...
[ The cake floats in the air again ]
LARRY: Look ou...!
[ Shemp and Larry catch the cake and pull it back down to the table and hold it down ]
LARRY: Well, Moe said to make it light...
SHEMP: [ slapping Larry ] I don’t care what he said! What are you, standing up there, letting go of it...
LARRY: Okay!
SHEMP: Alright! Go ahead, I’ll hold it. Go ahead, you make with the white stuff there [ pointing to the icing bag ]. Go ahead there.
[ Larry picks up the icing bag and tries to squeeze it over the cake, but nothing comes out ]
SHEMP: [ grabbing the icing bag ] Here, let me!
[ Shemp and Larry let go of the cake and it floats in the air again. ]
LARRY: Will ya...
[ Shemp and Larry grab the cake back down. Larry holds it down as Shemp tries to squeeze out the icing, but he also has difficulties. ]
SHEMP: MMM! [ holds the bag in front of Larry’s face as he tries to squeeze it out ]
LARRY: [ pushing the bag away ] Hey, hey!
[ Shemp holds the bag towards his face as he continues having difficulty getting the icing out ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ squeezes it again ] Oh, it’s kinda stuffed up.
[ Shemp lays the bag down on the table and then hits the middle of it with a hammer. Icing finally comes out of it and it squirts high in the air and off-camera. Shemp and Larry look off-camera and jump in shock ]
[ Cut over to an angry Moe, who has just entered the kitchen, with an icing “question mark†on his face. He walks over to a fearful Shemp and Larry and slaps both of them. ]
LARRY: OW!
MOE: I’m gonna put off murderin’ ya till ya collect yer paycheck! How’s the cake?
SHEMP: Wonderful. If we didn’t hold it down, it’d float away!
MOE: If I want a smart crack, I’ll make one myself! Put the candles in and get it out there! [ picks up several candles ] C’mon, get busy!
SHEMP: Alright! Alright!
MOE: [ handing Shemp the icing bag ] Here!
[ Shemp begins squirting icing on the cake as Moe begins sticking candles in the cake ]
[ Dissolve to the party room. Moe enters ]
MOE: [ imitating a trumpet ] Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah- dah-dah-dah-dah! The Piece de Resistance!
[ Shemp and Larry enter, pushing a cart with the birthday cake on it ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Listen, everybody -- it''s George Morton’s birthday! Surprise! Surprise!
[ Mr. Morton shakes hands with the judge and Mrs. Henderson as more guests gather around ]
EVERYONE: [ singing ] For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
That nobody can deny
[ Everybody claps ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Happy birthday!
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, it’s all yours! Make a wish and blow out the candles.
MR. MORTON: Well, my fondest wish is that my friend, Judge Henderson, will blow this campaign sky-high!
[ Everyone claps ]
SHEMP: Hooray! Hooray!
[ Judge Henderson blows the candles on the cake. The cake explodes and results in all the guests covered in cake. An angry Mr. Morton turns over to Judge Henderson ]
MR. MORTON: If this is supposed to be a practical joke, I’ve got one for you!
JUDGE: Yeh -- but Mr...
MR. MORTON: I was only joking when I spoke of supporting you! [ looking around the place ] Lydia?! Lydia, where are you?!
[ Cut over to Mrs. Morton coming out from behind the drapes, with her face covered in cake and her hiding in between the Stooges’ “JIFFY FIXERS†board sign ]
MR. MORTON: We’re gettin’ out of here!!
MRS. HENDERSON: Ohh!
[ Mr. Morton and the Henderson’s walk over to Mrs. Morton and help her up ]
MR. MORTON: Lydia, are you alright?!
MRS. MORTON: Ohh! Is the shooting over?
[ The judge examines the “JIFFY FIXERS†sign on Mrs. Morton ]
JUDGE: [ to the Stooges ] Now I know who you are! [ runs over and takes out a rifle that’s hung up on the wall ]
[ Cut to the Stooges bumping into the each other as we hear the rifle firing off-camera, then they each dive out the window ]
STOOGES: OHH! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH! WHOA!!!
[ THE END ]
[ The short opens with an outside shot of a courthouse ]
[ Camera dissolves inside the courthouse, where a trial is taking place; Moe, Larry, and Shemp are standing in front of the judge’s stand, with two cops standing on opposite sides of the judge’s stand. Moe is wearing a large board sign that says “JIFFY FIXERS - WE REPAIR ENYTHING – IT’S DONE IN A FLASH FOR VERY SMALL CASH†]
JUDGE: [ to one of the cops ] Officer Ryan, you deserve a sharp reprimand for taking up the valuable time of this court with these flimsy cases! [ to the other cop ] And so does Officer Casey! [ pointing at the Stooges ] These men cannot be held for vagrancy! They have visible means of support!
[ Larry opens his suit coat and grabs one of his suspenders ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Does he mean our suspenders?
MOE: [ pulling the suspender ] Ohhh... [ lets go of the suspender, causing it to snap against Larry’s chest ]
LARRY: OW!
JUDGE: QUIET! [ tries to bang his gavel on the stand while looking down at a paper, but accidentally hits Officer Ryan’s hand ]
OFFICER RYAN: OWW!
JUDGE: I’m sorry, officer! [ looks at a paper ] This other charge -- chicken stealing. [ to the cops ] I’m not gonna make these poor unfortunates the victims of your prejudice and guesswork. Case dismissed for lack of evidence! [ to the Stooges ] You’re free, boys!
ALL STOOGES: Oh, thank you, your honor.
[ Suddenly, a chicken pokes his head out of Shemp’s suit coat and begins clucking. Shemp and Larry quickly stuff the chicken back in his suit coat ]
[ The judge looks up at the Stooges in confusion ]
SHEMP: [ clucking ]
JUDGE: What’s the matter with him?!
MOE: Oh, he thinks he’s a chicken.
JUDGE: Why don’t you put him in an institution?
LARRY: We can’t -- we need the eggs!
MOE: [ bonking Larry on the head ] Quiet!
[ The chicken flies out of Shemp’s suit coat and flies right into the judge''s face ]
MOE: Every man for himself!
[ The Stooges run towards the door ]
SHEMP: WHOA-OH-OH!
[ The Stooges run through the two doors and the two cops follow them. The Stooges push the doors towards the cops, knocking them down ]
[ Scene dissolves to the Stooges standing outside of the door to someone’s house. Shemp is now wearing the large "JIFFY FIXERS" board sign. He pulls a card off of the door. ]
SHEMP: Moe, you’re wastin’ your time! [ shows Moe the card ]
MOE: [ reading the card ] “Doorbell out of order.â€
SHEMP: If the doorbell is out of order, how are they gonna know we’re out here?!
MOE: Why don’t you use your head?!
SHEMP: Yeah! [ begins banging his head on the door repeatedly ]
MOE: [ looking off-camera ] Come in! [ turns over to Shemp and notices him banging his head on the door ]
SHEMP: [ stops banging his head ] Ain’t no answer!
MOE: There ain’t, eh? Well, get one! [ shoves Shemp into the door ]
SHEMP: OH!
[ The door opens and a woman named Mrs. Henderson appears ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Stop it! Stop it, before you knock the door down!
MOE: Well, that’s what your company will do if you don’t have the doorbell fixed.
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! Can you fix it?
MOE: Can we fix it!
LARRY: Can we fix it!
SHEMP: Can we???
[ Larry and Mrs. Henderson walk inside of the house; Moe walks over to Shemp ]
MOE: Why, you... [ aims a punch at Shemp ]
[ Shemp quickly lifts up his board sign and causes Moe to smash his fist into it ]
MOE: OH! OOH! OOH! [ sneaks behind Shemp ]
[ Shemp peeks over his board sign and sees that Moe isn’t there, so he happily lowers his board sign. Moe taps Shemp on back of the head. Shemp looks back and Moe greets him by crunching his nose with pliers and pushing him in the house ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH, MOE!
MRS. HENDERSON: What is the meaning of this?!
LARRY: Well, lady...
[ Shemp accidentally bumps into Larry, causing Larry to bump into a shelf. A vase on top of the shelf falls over. ]
MRS. HENDERSON: AAAAHHHH!!! [ catches the vase ] Oh! Dear me! This vase is worth $3000!
ALL STOOGES: [ in elegant voices ] Vase!
MOE: [ in elegant voice ] Eh what, Harry, old boy?
SHEMP: [ to Larry, in elegant voice ] Do you have a bloater?
LARRY: [ in elegant voice ] No, but I have a sardine!
MOE: [ normal voice ] You’ll have to beat it, lady. We got a lot of work to do! [ pushes Mrs. Henderson away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: OH!
MOE: Thank you. [ looks around the place ] Now, you know, this looks like a simple job for simple people.
LARRY: Right!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp’s board sign off, then turn it to the other side and stand it up on the ground. The sign now says “MEN AT WORKâ€. ]
MOE: Chisel!
LARRY: Chisel! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a chisel from his toolbelt ]
MOE: Screwdriver!
LARRY: Screwdriver! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a screwdriver from his belt ]
MOE: Pliers!
LARRY: Pliers! [ spins Shemp around again and takes pliers from his belt ]
MOE: Brace & Bit!
LARRY: Brace & Bit! [ spins Shemp around and takes a bit from his belt ] Hold still! [ walks off-camera ]
SHEMP: Cut it out, fellas! I’m gettin’ dizzy!
MOE: Ah, you were born dizzy! Gimme that hammer! [ tries to pull a hammer from Shemp’s toolbelt but has trouble getting it out ]
SHEMP: Here, let me! [ pulls the hammer out and accidentally hits Moe on the face with it ]
MOE: OOH! [ hits Shemp on the head with the hammer ]
SHEMP: OH! OH!!
MOE: Shut up, now! There’s something wrong with the wiring!
[ Camera cuts over to Larry chopping a hole in the wall with an axe ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] We gotta find the wire!
[ Larry digs in the hole in the wall and pulls out a wire ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, I found a wire!
MOE: Good work, Larry! You keep it up and I’m gonna give you some C-A-N-D-Y! [ holds up a lollipop ]
LARRY: Eh, I don’t smoke!
[ Shemp begins licking the lollipop that Moe’s holding up ]
MOE: [ slapping the lollipop against Shemp’s face ] Get away!
[ The lollipop sticks to the side of Shemp’s face, but he continues licking it anyway ]
MOE: Oh, no you don’t! [ takes out a plunger, yanks the lollipop off Shemp’s face, and sticks the plunger on Shemp’s face ] C’mon. [ walks over towards Larry and pulls Shemp by the plunger ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH!
[ When they get over to Larry, Moe forcefully yanks the plunger off Shemp’s face ]
LARRY: [ points to the wire ] Hey, Moe, there’s the wire.
MOE: Nice work, old man. Trace it!
LARRY: Right!
[ Larry begins yanking the wire, and it rips upwards through the wall. Larry continues doing this until the wire rips through a painting on the wall and knocks it down over Moe’s head, causing his head to bust through it ]
MOE: OHH!
SHEMP: Oh, Moe!
LARRY: Sorry, Moe. You told me to trace the wire!
MOE: That’s alright, son. I’ve been “framedâ€! Get it? Ha, ha, ha!
LARRY: Ha, ha! He’s been “framedâ€!
SHEMP: Ha, ha!
MOE: [ takes the painting off of him ] But you guys are gonna take the “rapâ€! [ bonks Shemp and Larry over the head with a stick ]
SHEMP: OOH! OOH! OH!
MOE: Check those wires for a short! [ walks off-camera ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] Check those wires for a short.
[ Shemp bends down to the hole in the wall and begins pulling the wire for a long time ]
SHEMP: There’s nothin’ short about this!
LARRY: Go on!
[ Shemp continues pulling the wire ]
[ cut to Moe entering the kitchen and walking up to the chef ]
MOE: Hiya! I came to fix the doorbell. Where is it, buddy?
CHEF: [ with French accent ] “Monsieur†buddy to you! [ pointing to the wall ] There she is on the wall.
MOE: Oh, “she†is on the wall.
CHEF: Oui.
[ As the chef is about the place a bowl of eggs on the table, Moe moves the table over to the wall, and the bowl misses the table and crashes on the floor ]
CHEF: You IDIOT, you! You...you...
MOE: “Imbecile�
CHEF: [ kindly ] Oui, oui oui... [ yelling again ] You IMBECILE, you! [ takes off his chef hat ] This kitchen is not big enough for us both! Either you stay, or I go!
MOE: That let’s you out! So long! [ turns away ]
CHEF: Oui... [ does a double-take, then grabs Moe back by the shoulder ] We will see about that, buddy!
MOE: RUFF!
CHEF: ROWL!! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: Go on, ya French poodle! Your father’s got fleas! [ climbs up on the table ] Ah! [ looks at the doorbell up on the wall, then takes out a screwdriver and begins taking the doorbell apart with it ] Heh. “She†is on the wall! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [ pulls the doorbell wire ]
[ Cut to the other side of the wall, where Shemp is holding on to the other end of the doorbell wire and Moe’s tug pulls Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ pulls the wire even harder ]
[ Cut back to Moe on the other side of the wall, being pulled into the wall ]
MOE: Oh, opposition, eh? [ tries to pull the wire, but Shemp’s forceful tugging on the other side pulls Moe back into the wall again ] Why, you!
[ Moe tugs on the wire too hard, causing him to knock down and fall off of the table he’s standing on over. He still holds on to the wire even as this happens. A bowl of flour on one end of the table shoots up in the air ]
[ Camera cuts over to the chef looking off-camera at Moe. Suddenly, the bowl of flour crashes on top of the chef’s head ]
CHEF: OOOH! OOH! That settles it! I quit!
[ Cut back to Shemp ]
SHEMP: Mmm! Tough, eh?!
[ Shemp pulls his end of the wire again, causing Moe to get yanked up from the floor and crashing into the wall ]
MOE: OH! [ throws his hat down in anger ] Mutiny, eh?! I’ll show you!
[ Moe wraps the wire around his arm, then gives it a really good yank, pulling Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! LARRY!
[ Larry enters ]
SHEMP: Gimme a hand, will ya?!
LARRY: Alright!
SHEMP: Gimme a hand!
LARRY: C’mon.
SHEMP: Get around me!
[ Larry wraps his arms around Shemp’s waist ]
LARRY: Let’s go!
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ pulling the wire ] One...two...and a- THREE!! [ forcefully yank the wire ]
[ Cut to Moe, who’s legs are sticking out of a big hole on his side of the wall he just crashed through ]
MOE: I’ll moider somebody!
SHEMP AND LARRY: One...two...THREE!
[ Shemp and Larry forcefully yank the wire again, this time pulling Moe all the way to their side of the wall. As he lifts his head from the pile of broken plaster on the floor from the wall, he reveals two pieces of wood stuck in his mouth, which look like buck teeth. ]
MOE: Ohhhh...
[ Shemp and Larry run up to him ]
LARRY: Look what came through the wall!
SHEMP: A gopher!
[ Shemp and Larry begin hitting Moe on the head with the back of an axe and a hat ]
MOE: OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!
LARRY: Hey, that gopher sounds like Moe!
SHEMP: [ examining the “gopherâ€â€™s face ] It is Moe!
MOE: Get me outta here!
LARRY: Alright, Moe.
[ Shemp and Larry help Moe up from the floor ]
SHEMP: What happened? Where were ya?
MOE: I’ll “gopher†both of ya!!!
[ Shemp and Larry try running away, but Moe grabs them back ]
MOE: Wait’ll I moider ya! Hear me?!
[ Shemp tries climbing into the hole in the wall ]
MOE: Come back outta hea!
[ Moe and Larry pull Shemp back out of the hole ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Shemp!
MOE: [ to Larry ] C’mere, you! [ pulls Larry by the hair, then drags Shemp and Larry away ]
LARRY: OWW! Wait a minute! I’m a victim of circumstance!
[ Dissolve to Shemp sweeping the broken plaster under the carpet while Moe and Larry behind him drag a shelf over to the hole in the wall ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Quiet!
[ Moe and Larry place the shelf over the hole in the wall ]
LARRY: There ya are! Just like an “inferior†decorator!
MOE: Right!
[ The Stooges stop and listen closely as they hear footsteps in the background ]
[ Briefly cut over to Mrs. Henderon dialing a phone ]
SHEMP: [ whispering ] She’s callin’ the cops!
LARRY: [ whispering ] Let’s get outta here!
[ The Stooges begin sneaking away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ off-camera ] Hello? “Superior Employment Agency�
[ The Stooges stop ]
MRS. HENDERSON: This is Mrs. Henderson on Emerald Drive. My chef quit quite unexpectedly.
[ Moe points to his head as if he has an idea, then the Stooges walk over to Mrs. Henderson ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m planning a big dinner party tonight and I’ll need help at once. [ pause ] What?! You’ve no one?! Oh, but you must have! [ pause, then hangs up ] Oh, dear! My last hope!
MOE: Oh, it can’t be that bad, lady. You can always open a can of beans!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh, not for this dinner! I’ve been planning it for weeks! I’ll need a butler, a cook, and a waiter! Oh, I’ll pay anything! Anything at all!
[ The Stooges all look at each other and whisper to each other briefly as if they have a plan ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] We’ll do it as a special accommodation!
MRS. HENDERSON: You mean you three...
MOE: Sure! You know our motto -- "We fix anythingâ€!
SHEMP: It also means we fix dinners!
LARRY: Yeah, just like we fixed the doorbell!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! And did you fix it?
MOE: Did we fix it!
LARRY: Did we fix it!
[ Shemp opens his mouth, but Moe and Larry quickly cover it before he can say anything ]
LARRY: Yes!
MOE: Show the lady, Shemp!
SHEMP: Okay, just tell me when! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] You know, he’s known as “Lightningâ€!
[ Cut to Shemp walking outside of the house and standing next to the doorbell ]
SHEMP: [ yelling in the house ] Ready for testing!
MOE: Ready for testing!
SHEMP: Here she blow!
[ Shemp presses the doorbell. Suddenly, sparks fly out of the doorbell and Shemp gets electrocuted ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OH-OH-OH!!! OH-OH-OH!! OHH!!
[ Back inside the house, Moe and Larry nervously tip their hats to Mrs. Henderson, then run outside the door ]
MOE: Just a minute!
[ Moe and Larry run up to the electrocuting Shemp. Larry touches Shemp’s jacket and receives a shock ]
SHEMP: I’m full of high voltage! Get me loose!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Wait a minute! We’ll rent him out to a light copy! [ takes out a lightbulb ] Testing!
LARRY: Contact!
[ Moe sticks the lightbulb in Shemp’s right ear. The light flickers on each time Shemp yells ]
SHEMP: YEOWWWW! OHHHH!! WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA! EEB- EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: We better short ‘im! [ takes out a screwdriver ]
MOE: Right!
[ Larry sticks the screwdriver in Shemp’s left ear and twists it inside slowly for a few seconds as the lightbulb in Shemp’s other ear quickly flickers on and off over and over. Larry then shoves the screwdriver all the way in Shemp’s ear, causing the lightbulb in the other ear to shatter ]
SHEMP: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[ Moe takes the shattered bulb out of Shemp’s right ear and Larry takes the screwdriver out of Shemp’s left ear, with the metal piece of the screwdriver missing. Larry blows through Shemp’s left ear and into Moe’s eye through Shemp’s right ear. ]
MOE: OOH! [ rubs his eye ]
SHEMP: Ready for testing!
[ Dissolve to the outside of the house; It is now night outside and there is a sign over the doorbell that reads “PLEASE NOCKâ€. ]
[ Dissolve to Moe in the kitchen putting a cherry on top of a muffin ]
MOE: Ha!
[ Cut to Shemp, who’s reading instructions on how to make a turkey ]
SHEMP: “Separate two eggs.†[ sets the two eggs apart on opposite sides of the turkey ] I guess that’s far enough. [ reads the instructions ] “Put ‘em in the turkey.†Any dumbbell would know that! Certainly, “put ‘em in the turkeyâ€! [ puts the two eggs inside the turkey ] Let’s see what’s next. [ reading ] “Half a dozen oysters.†[ puts in five oysters -- including the shells -- inside the turkey ] One... [ looks at the last oyster ] Ohh. Here’s one we didn’t clean! [ takes a pitchfork ] Well, we’ll fix that up! [ takes the oyster out of the shell ] Get out! Look at that stuff! [ puts the oyster shell in the turkey ] Wouldn’t clean ‘em, eh?! [ reading ] “Pinch of salt.†[ pours some salt in his hand, then literally “pinches†it ] Mmm! [ pouring the salt in the turkey ] How do ya like that? [ claps his hands together and accidentally gets some salt in his face ] Pbbtt! Almost got it myself, in fact! Oop -- wait! [ reading ] “Tomatoes.†Certainly. [ grabs a can of tomatoes ] “Red, ripe, puréed tomato.†[ puts the whole can of tomatoes inside the turkey ] Right inside there...
[ Moe walks up to Shemp ]
MOE: You idiot! You imbecile! What’d you put in that turkey?!
SHEMP: Like the book says -- [ takes the can of tomatoes out of the turkey ] This can of tomatoes!
[ Moe grabs the can, rips the paper label off, then stuffs it back inside the turkey ]
MOE: Paper in stuffing... AAAAHH! [ leaves ]
[ Shemp shrugs his shoulders and continues reading instructions ]
SHEMP: “A loaf of break well soaked.†[ grabs a loaf of bread ] Sorry, I have to do it! [ punches the bread repeatedly ] How do ya like that? An upper shoot! A down shoot! [ stops punching ] You got enough? Ya throw in the towel? Well, okay! [ stuffs in it the turkey ] Get in there! That’s it! The next thing! [ picks up a few grapes and stuff them in the turkey ] Yes, a few of these grapes will go in there. That’s right! Yes, sir, one of these. [ throws in some more salt ] A little of this! Yes, sir! [ picks up a bowl of flour ] Gotta take this, [ picks up a sifter ] and this. [ pours flour on the turkey through the sifter ] Gotta sift that out a little bit. [ crunches two eggs on top of the turkey ] Yep, right on top there! Baste it a little bit. And... This one has got pits! How do ya like that? [ crunches the eggs again ] That’s it! Much...
[ Cut to Larry reading instructions ]
LARRY: “Two cups of flour.†[ takes a bowl of flour and pours about half of it into a bigger, empty bowl ] “1/4 pound of butter.†[ takes a plate with 4 sticks of butter on it and dumps all the sticks of butter in the bowl ] “Two cups of milk.†[ takes a milk bottle, and pours in the bowl ] One... [ pours again ] two. [ reads instructions ] Oh, baking powder! Almost forgot! That’s important. [ pours a can of baking powder in the bowl while reading more instructions ]
[ Cut over to Shemp still pouring flour on the turkey ]
SHEMP: Here it is! Fine and dandy! [ puts the sifter down ] Okay, Moe, toikey ready for woiky!
[ Cut to a close-up of the turkey as Shemp zips up its hole. ]
[ Dissolve to a close-up of the turkey burning on fire ]
[ Camera pans back and shows Moe extinguishing the fire, and Shemp watching in disappointment ]
SHEMP: I can’t understand! I can’t understand what happened to that turkey. I only had the dial set at 650 degrees!
MOE: Six hundred an... [ does a double-take ] Listen -- if the cake in that oven turns out like this [ pointing to the turkey ]...you’re gonna be the next one to broil in it! [ turns away from Shemp, then quickly turns back ] And I’m gonna bake ya with nitric acid! Go on, fix that punch and make it snappy!
[ Shemp begins to walk over to the punch, but then he turns back to Moe ]
SHEMP: But the lady said she wanted it weak!
MOE: [ spraying the extinguisher in Shemp’s face ] Go on! Go on!
SHEMP: I’m goin’! Look out! [ walks over to the punch bowl ]
[ Cut to Larry entering the party taking place in the living room, with a platter of onions-on-a-stick in his hand. He walks over to 2 guests ]
LARRY: Here ya are!
[ The two guests look at the onions-on-a-stick in confusion ]
LARRY: I just got a flash from the kitchen! You’d better fill up on these.
[ Cut over to Mrs. Henderson and her husband -- who happens to be the same judge from earlier in the film -- walking over to 2 guests, the Morton’s ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ to the judge ] Herbert, dear, these are my good friends, George and Lydia Morton. [ to the Morton’s ] My husband, Judge Henderson.
[ The judge and Mr. Morton shake hands ]
MR. MORTON: I’m honored, judge.
JUDGE: Glad to know the president of the Voter’s League.
[ Larry barges in between the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
LARRY: Pardon me! [ holds up an onion-on-a-stick to the Morton’s ] May I serve you? [ looks over at the Henderson’s and instantly recognizes the judge ] Help yourself, I’m busy! [ gives Mrs. Morton the platter, then runs back towards the kitchen ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m so sorry!
MRS. MORTON: Really!
MRS. HENDERSON: They’re new here.
JUDGE: Odd -- I think I’ve met him before, but I just can’t place him.
[ Cut back to Shemp and Moe in the kitchen; Shemp is pouring punch in the punch bowl, and Moe is carrying a platter with cups and dishes and a kettle of coffee ]
MOE: Well, so the evening shouldn’t be a total loss, we’ll serve ‘em punch, cake and coffee.
SHEMP: Alright, but don’t mix me up!
[ Moe begins to walk towards the kitchen door ]
[ Cut to Larry running up to outside the kitchen door and pushing it open. Loud crashing noises in the kitchen are heard as Larry twitches in shock. ]
[ Cut back to inside the kitchen; Moe is laying on the floor right next to the door, with an empty platter on his stomach and all the cups and dishes shattered on the floor ]
[ Cut to outside the kitchen door; Larry slowly and fearfully walks up to the door and pushes it open ]
[ Cut back inside the kitchen with a close-up of Larry peeking inside the door. He quickly looks around the place, then smiles at the camera in relief. Suddenly, we hear sizzling noises ]
LARRY: OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
[ Camera pans down and shows Moe on the floor pouring hot coffee on Larry’s feet ]
LARRY: OW, MOE! OOH! OOOOOH!
[ Moe gets up from the floor and grabs Larry ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Moe! We’re in trouble!
MOE: I’ll say you’re in trouble! [ reaches the coffee kettle back and is about to swing it at Larry ]
LARRY: No, no! The judge is out there!
MOE: What judge?!
LARRY: The judge that wants to send us up for life!
SHEMP: Don’t worry. Where there’s life, there’s hope!
MOE: [ bopping Shemp ] Quiet!
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: He’ll never recognize us in these outfits! [ to Larry ] Now, go on. You take care of the cake.
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You, possum-puss -- get that punch out there or you’ll get one from me! [ pushing Shemp away ] Go on!
[ Shemp picks up the bowl of punch ]
MOE: Shake a leg!
[ Literally following Moe’s orders, Shemp shakes his left leg as he walks towards the door ]
[ Dissolve to Shemp in the party room, sucking punch in a baster, then squirting it back out in several glasses. The guests are standing behind him, watching in curiosity. Shemp looks behind him and sees all them staring ]
SHEMP: Don’t stand around like a bunch of buzzards! There’s enough here for everybody!
[ The guests reluctantly go back to conversation with each other ]
SHEMP: [ looking in the punch bowl ] Oh, a “Mazarino†cherry!
[ Shemp rolls his right sleeve up, then dips his right hand in the punch bowl and pulls out the cherry, then eats it. He begins choking for a few seconds, and slaps the back and front of his throat. He picks a glass of punch and drinks from it. Moe walks up behind him. ]
SHEMP: Not bad! [ begins squirting some more punch in the glass with the baster ]
[ Moe grabs the baster away and squirts the punch in Shemp’s face ]
MOE: Now get back in the kitchen and help Larry with that cake! [ pushing Shemp off-camera ] Go on!
[ Moe takes all the empty glasses and dips them in the punch bowl, filling them with punch. He takes the platter and walks off-camera ]
[ Cut over to the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
MR. MORTON: Judge, what do you think of your chances for re-election?
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, I’d say it all depends on what you recommend for the voters.
MR. MORTON: Ha, ha! Well, you’ve made a splendid record, judge, and I think you can safely count on another term.
JUDGE: Thank you.
[ Moe walks into the scene, extending his left hand with the platter of drinks and trying to hide his face from the judge ]
MOE: Have a slug?
JUDGE: Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
MOE: Oh, no, your honor!
JUDGE: You sure I never sent you up?
MOE: No, I’ve never been up...except in an elevator! [ clears his throat nervously ] Pardon me!
[ Moe leaves as Mrs. Henderson tries to take a glass of punch from the platter ]
JUDGE: There’s something strange going on around here!
[ Cut to Shemp and Larry in the kitchen; Larry is taking a cake out of the oven ]
LARRY: A masterpiece! [ places the cake on a table ] How does it look?
SHEMP: It looks good -- but let’s see if it’s done.
[ Shemp takes a fork and sticks it into the cake. All the air quickly gushes out of the cake and it deflates and flattens like a balloon. Shemp and Larry jump in shock ]
LARRY: Moe will kill us! What’ll we do now?!
SHEMP: What can we do? We’ll fill ‘er up -- [ look behind him and notices a gas pipe ] with gas!
LARRY: Now you’re cookin’!
[ Larry runs over and grabs the gas pipe, then brings it over to the cake. He places it right over the hole in the cake, and the cake inflates back up about half-way through ]
LARRY: High enough?
SHEMP: I’ll check. [ takes out a [ ? ] and gushes air from the cake inside of it ] 38 pounds. How many people out there?
LARRY: Oh...about 20.
SHEMP: Oh, we’d better pump it a couple of more slices. Go ahead.
[ Larry adds more air in the cake from the pipe, causing it to fully inflate ]
LARRY: Ready!
[ Larry takes the gas pipe away as Shemp ties up the hole in the cake. ]
SHEMP: Now, you see, if you’ll...
[ The cake suddenly begins floating in the air and Shemp catches it and pulls it back down to the table. Larry runs over to him ]
SHEMP: [ letting go of the cake ] Why don’t you stand over there...
[ The cake floats in the air again ]
LARRY: Look ou...!
[ Shemp and Larry catch the cake and pull it back down to the table and hold it down ]
LARRY: Well, Moe said to make it light...
SHEMP: [ slapping Larry ] I don’t care what he said! What are you, standing up there, letting go of it...
LARRY: Okay!
SHEMP: Alright! Go ahead, I’ll hold it. Go ahead, you make with the white stuff there [ pointing to the icing bag ]. Go ahead there.
[ Larry picks up the icing bag and tries to squeeze it over the cake, but nothing comes out ]
SHEMP: [ grabbing the icing bag ] Here, let me!
[ Shemp and Larry let go of the cake and it floats in the air again. ]
LARRY: Will ya...
[ Shemp and Larry grab the cake back down. Larry holds it down as Shemp tries to squeeze out the icing, but he also has difficulties. ]
SHEMP: MMM! [ holds the bag in front of Larry’s face as he tries to squeeze it out ]
LARRY: [ pushing the bag away ] Hey, hey!
[ Shemp holds the bag towards his face as he continues having difficulty getting the icing out ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ squeezes it again ] Oh, it’s kinda stuffed up.
[ Shemp lays the bag down on the table and then hits the middle of it with a hammer. Icing finally comes out of it and it squirts high in the air and off-camera. Shemp and Larry look off-camera and jump in shock ]
[ Cut over to an angry Moe, who has just entered the kitchen, with an icing “question mark†on his face. He walks over to a fearful Shemp and Larry and slaps both of them. ]
LARRY: OW!
MOE: I’m gonna put off murderin’ ya till ya collect yer paycheck! How’s the cake?
SHEMP: Wonderful. If we didn’t hold it down, it’d float away!
MOE: If I want a smart crack, I’ll make one myself! Put the candles in and get it out there! [ picks up several candles ] C’mon, get busy!
SHEMP: Alright! Alright!
MOE: [ handing Shemp the icing bag ] Here!
[ Shemp begins squirting icing on the cake as Moe begins sticking candles in the cake ]
[ Dissolve to the party room. Moe enters ]
MOE: [ imitating a trumpet ] Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah- dah-dah-dah-dah! The Piece de Resistance!
[ Shemp and Larry enter, pushing a cart with the birthday cake on it ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Listen, everybody -- it''s George Morton’s birthday! Surprise! Surprise!
[ Mr. Morton shakes hands with the judge and Mrs. Henderson as more guests gather around ]
EVERYONE: [ singing ] For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
That nobody can deny
[ Everybody claps ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Happy birthday!
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, it’s all yours! Make a wish and blow out the candles.
MR. MORTON: Well, my fondest wish is that my friend, Judge Henderson, will blow this campaign sky-high!
[ Everyone claps ]
SHEMP: Hooray! Hooray!
[ Judge Henderson blows the candles on the cake. The cake explodes and results in all the guests covered in cake. An angry Mr. Morton turns over to Judge Henderson ]
MR. MORTON: If this is supposed to be a practical joke, I’ve got one for you!
JUDGE: Yeh -- but Mr...
MR. MORTON: I was only joking when I spoke of supporting you! [ looking around the place ] Lydia?! Lydia, where are you?!
[ Cut over to Mrs. Morton coming out from behind the drapes, with her face covered in cake and her hiding in between the Stooges’ “JIFFY FIXERS†board sign ]
MR. MORTON: We’re gettin’ out of here!!
MRS. HENDERSON: Ohh!
[ Mr. Morton and the Henderson’s walk over to Mrs. Morton and help her up ]
MR. MORTON: Lydia, are you alright?!
MRS. MORTON: Ohh! Is the shooting over?
[ The judge examines the “JIFFY FIXERS†sign on Mrs. Morton ]
JUDGE: [ to the Stooges ] Now I know who you are! [ runs over and takes out a rifle that’s hung up on the wall ]
[ Cut to the Stooges bumping into the each other as we hear the rifle firing off-camera, then they each dive out the window ]
STOOGES: OHH! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH! WHOA!!!
[ THE END ]
FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in an effort to advance awareness and understanding of the issues involved. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information please visit: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission directly from the copyright owner.
