Films of the Stooges, The (Larry, Curly & Moe... The Columbia Shorts)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2003-07-08
DIZZY PILOTS
AIRCRAFT MAN #1....Harry Semels
AIRCRAFT MAN #2....Al Thompson
SERGEANT....Richard Fiske
The short opens with a close-up of a letter as Moe reads it aloud. The letter says:
“REPUBLIC OF CANNABEER, P.U.
DRAFT BOARD NO. 145 I.O.U.
Wrong Brothers--R.F.D. #7
Stincoala, Moronica
Sirs:
This draft board has decided to extend to you a thirty day deferment from military service. This is based on your claim that you have invented an airplane that will revolutionize flying. However, if at the end of thirty days you have not proven your plane to be all that you claim it is, you will be inducted into the service.
Very truly yours
Joe Strubachincoscowâ€
The camera shows the Stooges, who are looking at the letter.
MOE: Whew! What a moniker!
The camera pans back further and we see the Stooges are in a garage, standing next to a plane.
MOE: We made it! Now we get a chance to finish the Buzzard -- the greatest plane ever made!
LARRY: Nobody ever thought of inventin’ a plane like ours.
CURLY: You said it! We’re great inventors -- Robert Fulton, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, Don Ameche, and us!
MOE: (patting Curly on the head) Ha, ha, ha, ha!
CURLY: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: Okay, let’s finish her up so a-flying we can go.
LARRY: (singing through a bent pipe) Da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da
ALL STOOGES: (singing) A-flying we will go
Da da da da da da da da da
A-flying we will go
(stick their arms out and Curly and Larry accidentally hit Moe on the head)
MOE: OOH!
Moe sticks a plunger to Curly’s head and drags him by it as the Stooges march over towards a tub filled with melted rubber.
MOE AND LARRY: (singing) A-flying we will go
A-flying we will go
A-flying we will go
A-flying we will go
A-flying we will go
The Stooges arrive at the tub.
MOE: Break it up! (yanks the plunger from Curly’s head)
CURLY: (holding his head in pain) Oh!
MOE: (picking up an oar) Boy, when we paint the Buzzard with this quick-drying melted rubber, it’ll be water-proof and ice-proof.
LARRY: Right!
MOE: (tossing the oar to Larry) Hup!
LARRY: (catching the oar) Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! (holds the oar over his shoulder)
MOE: (to Curly) Now in this...
Larry turns to the side, causing the oar to hit Moe on the face.
MOE: OH!
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
MOE: (snatching the hammer in Curly’s hand) Why, you! (hits Curly on the head with the hammer, but the hammer bounces back and hits Moe on the head as well)
MOE AND CURLY: OH!
MOE: (yanking Curly away by the ear) C’mon!!
CURLY: Oh, don’t do that! Don’t do that!
Moe and Curly walk over to a table with various tools on it.
MOE: Where’s your vice?
CURLY: Vice? I have no vice. I’m a pure as the driven snow! (looks up at the air with an angelic expression)
MOE: But ya drifted! (bonks Curly on the head)
CURLY: OH!
MOE: Get outta hea! Get the vice!
As Moe and Curly begin picking up tools from the floor, the camera dissolves to the next scene and we see Moe and Curly just finishing hooking up the vice to the table. Moe picks up a tool.
MOE: (passing the tool to Curly) Hold that.
Curly takes the tool. Moe picks up another tool.
MOE: (passing it to Curly) Hold that. (takes a box out of his pocket) Hey, roll me a cigarette!
The camera cuts over to Larry, who is happily swishing the melted rubber in the tub with the oar. We now go back to Moe and Curly. Curly opens rolling paper and pours cigarette ashes in it. Then he tries to roll the paper into a cigarette, but the ashes accidentally fall out.
MOE: Hey, when I say “nowâ€, tighten this vice, will ya?
CURLY: You can depend on me!
MOE: (to himself) Lemme see -- Now, if I...
Curly hears Moe saying “nowâ€, so he drops everything in his hands and quickly tightens the vice with Moe’s hand in it.
MOE: OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! Look what you’re doin’! OOH!
CURLY: I did what you said! And you said “nowâ€!
Moe kicks Curly in the stomach.
CURLY: OH! Oh, ungrateful, eh? RUFF! RUFF!
MOE: Oh, get me out of this! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Curly tries to release the vice grip from Moe’s hand, but he has trouble turning the lever.
CURLY: Moe, it’s stuck. Hit it on top of the head.
Moe hits the top of the lever down, causing the bottom of the lever to fly up and hit Curly on the jaw.
CURLY: (holding his jaw in pain) OOH! OHH! OHH! HOO HOO!
Moe finally gets his hand out of the vice.
MOE: (holding his hand in pain) OH-OH-OH-OH!
CURLY: Oh, he broke it...I hope!
MOE: (holding out two fingers) No he didn’t! (eyepokes Curly)
CURLY: AAH! Why you! (lifts Moe’s bangs and bonks him on the forehead)
MOE: OH! (reaches for a tool) I’ll murder ya!
CURLY: (running away) No, no, Moe! Moe!
Curly runs over to the tub where Larry is, and Moe runs after him.
CURLY: Moe, I didn’t mean it! Please! Look out!
MOE: (snatching Larry’s oar and pushing him away) Get outta the way! (chases Curly with the oar)
CURLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Don’t you dare hit me on the head; you know I’m not normal!
MOE: I’ll “normal†you!
Moe swings the oar backwards and gets it stuck on Larry’s head. As he tries to lift the oar, it yanks Larry’s hair along with it.
LARRY: AAAAHHH!!!
Moe looks behind him and notices the oar stuck on Larry’s hair. He tries to lift it again, and it yanks Larry’s hair again.
LARRY: AAAGH!!
Moe spits on both of his hands then gives the oar a really good yank, causing the oar to finally release from Larry’s head and rip of a piece of his hair with it. Moe accidentally falls back and lands right in the tub filled with melted rubber.
CURLY: Mmm! (picks up the oar and looks at the piece of Larry’s hair stuck on it) Ohh! Okay, Moe. (tries to lift Moe out of the tub with the oar) Help me, Larry.
Larry runs over and grabs a pair of ice tongs, then lifts Moe up by the ears with the tongs.
LARRY: C’mon, Moe! There you are! There! There you go! There! C’mon!
The scene ends, and the next scene opens with Moe standing up next to the tub, all covered in the melted rubber as Larry wipes the rubber away from Moe’s face so he can see.
MOE: Get this rubber off of me, you idiots!
CURLY: You know that self-sealing rubber don’t come off easily! This is gonna be a tough job!
MOE: Inflate this rubber thing with that hydrogen gas. Then when the gas fills the suit, it’ll pull away from my body, then you can cut it off in strips!
Curly and Larry go over to the gas tank. Moe puts his arms to his side, but it gets stuck to the rubber on his clothes.
MOE: (trying to pull his arms away) Now my hands are caught!
Curly takes the end of the gas hose and sticks it into one of Moe’s pant legs.
LARRY: Gas on!
Larry turns the gas tank on. The scene dissolves to the next scene with Moe in a now fully-inflated suit that makes him look like a human balloon.
LARRY: (to Curly) How ya comin’?
CURLY: Okay! Gas off!
LARRY: (running back to the gas tank) Gas off! (turns the gas off)
MOE: Hey, hurry up, you guys! Get a knife and cut this off of me!
CURLY: Okay! Hold still!
As Curly and Larry begin to leave, Moe floats in the air due to the gas inflated in his suit.
MOE: WHOOAAAAAAA!
Curly and Larry look back, then look up in the air at Moe in shock.
CURLY: NYAAH!
MOE: My, oh my... (hits his head on the ceiling) OH-OH-OH- OH-OH!
CURLY: Hey, Moe, whaddaya doin’ up there?
MOE: IT’S THE GAS, YOU IDIOTS!!
CURLY: Shall I get you some bicarbonate of soda?
MOE: SHADDAP AND GET ME DOWN!
Curly grabs a large pole and tries to push Moe with it.
MOE: OHH! OHH! GET ME DOWN!
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk...
LARRY: (grabbing the pole away from Curly) Gimme that! (reaches for Moe with the pole and it hits Moe on the nose)
MOE: AAAHHH!!
Larry lifts Moe up too high and causes him to hit his head on the ceiling again.
LARRY: Open your mouth, and I’ll push you away!
MOE: Okay. (opens his mouth and the pole goes inside of it) Ohhh! (hits his head on the ceiling again) OH!
Curly looks behind him and notices a rope.
MOE: HELP ME, YOU GUYS!
CURLY: (taking the rope) I got an idea. (pushing Larry) Get out the way. WAHOO! WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA! (swings the rope around, then swings it backwards, getting it tied around Larry’s neck)
LARRY: UGH! OH!
As Moe bawls in the background like a baby, Curly keeps pulling Larry on the end of the rope, not knowing he’s tied to it. Eventually, Larry gets pulled up to Curly’s face and they both bump noses.
CURLY AND LARRY: AH!
LARRY: (untying the rope from his neck) Get outta here, you...
MOE: GET ME DOWN! (continues crying)
Larry swings the rope in the air, then throws it, tying to the bar on the ceiling behind Moe’s head.
LARRY: (to Curly) C’mon!
Curly and Larry both tug their end of the rope.
MOE: Be careful! FEATHER-BRAINS, I’LL MURDER YOU! WHOOOAAAAA!!
Curly and Larry’s tugging of their end of the rope does nothing to help Moe.
CURLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Curly and Larry stop tugging on the rope.
CURLY: We’re out of rhythm! Now, when I say “threeâ€, we’ll both yank together. One... (pauses in confusion) What comes after one???
LARRY: (spitting in Curly’s face) Two!
CURLY: OOH! (runs his hand over his face) Hmm! Thank you. One... (spitting in Larry’s face) two... THREE!
Curly and Larry both yank their end of the rope, causing it to pull down the bar it’s tied to. The bar falls and hits Curly and Larry on the head, knocking them down on the floor.
CURLY AND LARRY: OOH!
CURLY: (looking at their end of the rope) We got ‘im! (pulling the other end of the rope towards him) Are ya okay, Moe? (looks at the bar that the rope is tied to) Talk to me! Say a few... (does a double-take and looks at Larry) That ain’t Moe!
LARRY: Shut up, you splinter-brain! (pointing to the ceiling) He’s still up there!
CURLY: (looking up at Moe) NYAAH!
Curly and Larry get up from the floor.
MOE: WHOOOAAAAAA!!
CURLY: Hey! What dummies we are! We can jump up and pull him down!
LARRY: Right! Hup-hup!
CURLY: Hup-hup!
Curly lifts Larry in the air, and Larry pulls down Moe from the ceiling by his feet.
MOE: Ohhh! You feather-brains, I’ll murder ya!
CURLY AND LARRY: Whew!
LARRY: (shaking Curly’s hand) Success!
CURLY: Success!
LARRY: Let’s get the knives!
As Curly and Larry begin to leave, Moe floats back in the air again.
MOE: OH, I’M FLOATING! SAVE ME! YO-OH-OH-OH!
Curly and Larry turn back and look at Moe, who is now floating out of the chimney of the garage.
CURLY: NYAAA-AAA-AAAH! He’s a free balloon!
Moe is now floating in the sky outside.
MOE: OH, I’M FLOATING!
Curly runs over to grab a rifle as Larry looks at Moe in the sky. Then Larry hears Curly cocking the rifle.
LARRY: (runs over to Curly) Whaddaya doin’ with that rifle?! Don’t you know any better than to use a rifle?! (a beat) Ya might miss ‘im! (hands Curly an even bigger gun) Here! Use the shotgun!
CURLY: OH! Nyuk, nyuk!
Curly and Larry run to the outside of the garage
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
MOE: SAVE ME! YO-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: (pointing in the air at Moe) There he is!
MOE: I’M FLOATING AWAY!
CURLY: HOLD STILL, MOE! I’LL HAVE YOU DOWN IN A MINUTE!
Curly fires the shotgun in the air at Moe, and it blows Moe out of his inflated suit, leaving him falling down the sky in his long-johns.
MOE: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
CURLY: Nyaaa-aaaa-aaaaah!
Moe falls down a well next to the garage, and Curly and Larry run over to it. After Moe splashes in the bottom of the well, the water comes up and splashes Curly and Larry in the face.
CURLY: (shaking) Brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr!
The scene ends, and the next scene begins with the Stooges back in the garage, putting the finishing touches on the Buzzard.
CURLY: I’m through!
LARRY: So am I!
CURLY: At last, the Buzzard is finished!
LARRY: Let’s get it out!
MOE: Yeah, the aircraft men will be here any minute to watch our test flight.
CURLY: Yes, yes! Go on! I’m palpitating!
MOE: Shaddap! Just remember -- if we flop, we’re drafted! We’ve got to make good!
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute! Who’s gonna fly the Buzzard? We don’t know anything about flyin’!
MOE: Neither did the Wright Brothers, but they flew! Anything the Wright Brothers can do, the Wrong Brothers can do! Right?
LARRY: Right!
CURLY: Wrong!
Moe and Larry look at Curly in shock.
CURLY: ...Brothers!
MOE: Alright, we gotta get the Buzzard out. (examining the garage) Hey, wait a minute! We can’t get the Buzzard out; the door’s too small!
CURLY: Why take it out? Let’s fly the garage with it! Ha, ho, ho, ho!
LARRY: Yeah, sort of a “cabin jobâ€!
CURLY: (laughing) Too-hoo-hoo!
MOE: (sarcastically) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (double-slaps Curly and Larry) Get out!
CURLY: OH!
MOE: I’ll getcha out of this. Wait a minute! (measures the wings of the Buzzard, then measures the door of the garage) We got a cutting job to do! Get some saws!
Curly and Larry each grab a saw. Larry goes over to the door of the garage, but Curly begins cutting the actual wings of the Buzzard with the saw.
MOE: (to himself) Lemme see...
Moe looks behind him and notices Curly cutting the wings with the saw. Moe runs over to stop him.
MOE: HEY, YOU NITWIT!
CURLY: Huh?!
MOE: Don’t saw the wings! You saw the garage!
CURLY: I see the garage, but I don’t "saw" the garage! You are speaking incorrectly. You are moidering the King’s English! Et cetera! Seen...saw...seeing...
MOE: (strangling Curly) AAAH! Shut up! (releases Curly’s neck) You saw one side, and Larry will saw the other.
CURLY: Oh, I see! I saw! (begins cutting Moe’s left arm with the saw)
MOE: WHOOAAAA!!! (grabs the saw away) No, not like that. (bends the end of the saw and holds it) Like this! (releases the end of the saw, causing it to smack Curly in the face)
CURLY: OH!
Moe runs the saw across the top of Curly’s head.
CURLY: AAAAH-YA-HA-YA-HA!!!! (holding his head in pain) OHH! OHH! (looks at the saw) Ohh, look!
Moe looks at the saw, and its teeth are now ruined due to Curly’s hard head.
CURLY: (holding his head in pain) Ohh! Oh!
MOE: (throws the ruined saw down) C’mon, we gotta warm the plane up! (to Larry) Hey, porcupine, get in the cockpit!
The scene dissolves to Larry now inside of the cockpit of the Buzzard.
LARRY: (to Moe and Curly off-camera) Contact!
Camera cuts over to Moe and Curly standing in front of the propeller. Moe’s on the left side, and Curly’s on the right side. Curly excitedly grabs the right end of the propeller and lifts it, causing the left end to hit Moe on the head.
MOE: OOH! I’ll moida you!
LARRY: CONTACT!
MOE: CONTACT!
CURLY: Hey, wait a minute! I want a “contractâ€, too! You can’t get away with this!
MOE: (patting Curly on the face) Okay! Okay! You’ll get a "contract". Step right on the dotted line!
Curly stands next to the left side of the propeller, and Moe walks over to the right side of it.
MOE: Contact!
CURLY: Oh, boy, I’m gonna get...
Moe lifts the right end of the propeller, causing the left end to hit Curly on the head.
CURLY: OOH! OH! OH!
MOE: (pulling Curly away) C’mon, get over here! (to Larry) Contact!
LARRY: CONTACT!
Moe begins to turn the propeller as Larry starts the engine, but after a few seconds, the engine sputters.
MOE: Now, CONTACT!
LARRY: CONTACT!
Moe grabs the left end of the propeller and pushes it, then Larry starts the engine. But the propeller works backwards, so the left end of the propeller flies back up, lifting Moe with it.
MOE: (spinning around on the propeller) WHOAAAAA!! WHOAAAAAA!!
The propeller finally releases Moe, and he gets thrown in the air and lands back in the tub of melted rubber. Curly and Larry run over to the tub.
CURLY: MOE! (to Larry) Here we go again!
Curly and Larry begin helping Moe back out of the tub with the oar and ice tongs again. Then the scene dissolves over to two aircraft men standing outside the Stooges’ garage.
AIRCRAFT MAN #1: You know, I never thought the sky aircraft company would watch a test flight of three screwballs like the Wrong Brothers.
AIRCRAFT MAN #2: They’re either miracle men or they’re insane.
The two men look off-camera as they hear the engine of the Buzzard roaring.
AIRCRAFT MAN #1: (taking out his binoculars) There they go. (looks through his binoculars)
The camera cuts over to the Buzzard taking off into the air. The Stooges are inside the cockpit of the Buzzard, with Moe as the main pilot.
CURLY: Hey, quit wavin’ bye-bye! I’m gettin’ sea-sick!
MOE: Shaddap! (elbows Curly in the face)
CURLY: (holding his face in pain) OH!
MOE: Boy, isn’t this Buzzard a honey? We oughta get a contract for a million of ‘em!
LARRY: (shoving Curly) Hey, move there, will ya? You’re on my leg!
CURLY: Well, easy now, it’s...
LARRY: Move over on the side!
Moe shoves Larry.
CURLY: Look out! My leg!
Curly lifts his foot and breaks the rudder cable in half, creating a loud BOING sound.
MOE: What was that?!
CURLY: That isn’t anything. Just some little ol’ wire broke loose from some little ol’ lever!
MOE: (looking out the Buzzard) That was our rudder, you idiot! Now we can’t get our plane where we want it to go!
CURLY: Is that important? Are we goin’ anywhere?
LARRY: Yeah, to the army if this plane fails, you dope!
CURLY: That wouldn’t be bad. I wouldn’t mind bein’ a general! (saluting) Hup-hup! (accidentally hits Larry on the head)
LARRY: OOH!
The engine beings sputtering.
MOE: We’re losing altitude! We gotta get rid of some weight!
Moe and Larry suddenly look at Curly.
CURLY: Whaddaya lookin’ at me for?!
MOE: There any gas left?
CURLY: (looking at the gas tank) I dunno. The arrow points halfway. I don’t know if it’s half-empty or half-full!
MOE: Why...! Throw out the clutch!
CURLY: But Moe, if I throw out the clutch...
MOE: Do as yer told!
CURLY: â€Throw out the clutchâ€. (pulls up the front of his shirt and takes out a wrench from his tool belt underneath) I guess he knows what he wants...I hope! (begins fiddling around with the clutch)
MOE: (handing Larry a bag of cigarette ashes) Hey, roll me a cigarette!
LARRY: Right.
MOE: (handing Larry rolling paper) Here you are.
Larry opens the bag of ashes and tries to pour it on the rolling paper, but the wind blows the ashes all in Larry’s face.
LARRY: BLLGH!! (takes out a cigar from his shirt pocket and hands it to Moe) Here.
MOE: Oh, thanks! (puts the cigar in his mouth)
CURLY: Hey, I couldn’t find the clutch, so I’ll throw out the gearshift lever. See? (throws it out the cockpit)
MOE: (drops his cigar out the Buzzard while trying to catch the lever) WHOAA! (to Curly) You idiot! I oughta kill you!
The camera cuts over briefly to the aircraft men continuing to watch the Stooges.
MOE: Take the controls! I’ll fix the rudder cable! (tries to get up from his seat but Curly accidentally knocks him forward and almost out of the cockpit) WHOAAAAAA!!! (to Curly) Why you...MUTTON- HEAD!!
Moe goes to the bottom of the cockpit to fix the rudder cable and Curly pulls out various levers.
CURLY: Hey, what do we do next? (throws a lever out the cockpit)
Suddenly, the Buzzard begins going into a tailspin.
MOE: WHOOOAAAA!!!
Moe and Curly grab onto each other in fear, much to Larry’s amusement.
LARRY: Hey, you two guys goin’ steady?
Moe reaches out and slaps Larry. Suddenly, the Buzzard flies back up and then begins turning upside down.
MOE: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WE’RE TURNIN’ OVER!!
CURLY: My stomach’s in my mouth!
ALL STOOGES: (falling out of the cockpit) YAAAAH!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
The Stooges fall down the same well that Moe fell into earlier. The two aircraft men then run over to the well, and as they look inside, the Stooges splash in the water at the bottom of it, causing the water to splash up and drench the two men.
AIRCRAFT MEN: OOH!
The scene ends, and the next scene opens with the Stooges now at the army, dressed up as soldiers, and walking over to a bench.
MOE: Oh boy, a bench!
CURLY: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
The Stooges sit down on the bench.
LARRY: What a life.
CURLY: Nothin’ to do but live off the fat of the land!
MOE: And eat and sleep.
Suddenly, the sergeant appears.
SERGEANT: ATTENTION!
The Stooges quickly get up from the bench and stand in front of the sergeant.
SERGEANT: RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS!
Larry and Curly lift their rifles over their right shoulders, but Moe puts it over his left shoulder.
SERGEANT: ABOUT FACE!
The Stooges turn backwards and Larry and Curly’s rifles knock the sergeant on back of the head, pushing him behind the Stooges.
SERGEANT: (holding his neck in pain) Ohh!
The Stooges turn back the other way and Larry and Curly’s rifles then knock the Sgt. Back to the other side.
SERGEANT: ATTENTION! PRESENT ARMS!
The Stooges hold their rifles in front of them.
SERGEANT: You dumbbells!
The sergeant kicks Larry in the behind, causing Larry to accidentally fire his rifle in the air. A few seconds later, a dead duck comes falling down from the sky and plops in front of Larry. He picks it up.
CURLY: Oh!
The sergeant kicks Curly in the behind, causing him to accidentally fire his rifle in the air. Curly holds his hand out in anticipation of his falling dead duck, but no duck comes down. Curly snaps his fingers in disappointment. The sergeant then kicks Moe in the behind, causing him to fire his rifle in the air, and a dead duck comes down in front of him. He picks it up.
MOE: Oh, a duck!
LARRY: Look at mine!
CURLY: But I missed!
Finally, Curly’s dead duck falls down in front of him.
CURLY: Oh! (picks up the duck) A duck for my tapeworm!
ALL STOOGES: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
SERGEANT: Drop those ducks and fall in that line!
The Stooges drop their rifles on the ground and keep their ducks, then begin to run up to the line of soldiers.
SERGEANT: HEY!
The Stooges run back over and substitute their ducks for their rifles.
CURLY: (to the ducks) Don’t go away! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The Stooges run over to the line of soldiers and stand in place. The sergeant then follows them.
SERGEANT: Now get this – I’m gonna make soldiers outta you guys if I hafta kill ya! (to the other soldiers) And that goes for you, too! ATTENTION! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT FACE! BY TWOS, FORWARD MARCH!
The rest of the soldiers and the sergeant begin marching one way, but the Stooges go the wrong way. Larry and Moe march next to each other and Curly marches behind them, doing his shuffle dance occasionally. After a while of this, Curly looks behind him and notices the rest of the soldiers are going the other way.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk... (does a double take) Hey, don’t look now, but I think we’re goin’ the wrong way!
The Stooges quickly rush up behind the rest of the soldiers and the sergeant, and march behind them like nothing happened.
SERGEANT: TO THE REAR! MARCH!
The soldiers turn the other way around and continue marching, with the Stooges now leading the way. After a while, the Stooges begin skipping and the rest of the soldiers follow by skipping along with them. The sergeant does a double take when he notices his whole army skipping.
SERGEANT: COMPANY, HALT!
The soldiers stop marching, and the sergeant runs over to the Stooges.
SERGEANT: What do you guys think you’re doin’ - playin’ “Hippety-Hop at the Barbershop�!
Curly begins using his sleeve to wipe the stripes on Sgt. Dare’s uniform, but the Sgt. stops him.
SERGEANT: Now snap into and march like soldiers, (to the rest of soldiers) and that goes for you, too! ABOUT FACE!
CURLY: (to Moe) I won’t do it; he don’t pay my salary! It’s a guy with a beard!
The sergeant walks over to Curly.
CURLY: I wo... (turns towards the sergeant) NYUUUH!
SERGEANT: About face!
The Stooges turn the other way, leaving them facing towards the other soldiers.
SERGEANT: FORWARD MARCH!
The soldiers and the Stooges both march forward and bump into each other, causing them to fall down.
SERGEANT: COMPANY, ATTENTION! Fall in on that line! FALL IN!
The soldiers all get back in place. The sergeant walks back over to the Stooges.
SERGEANT: Now, listen -- One more break outta you guys, and I’m gonna hang ya -- all three of ya! Now, I’m gonna teach ya how to be soldiers whether ya like it or not! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! LEFT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! PORT ARMS! INSPECTION ARMS! PORT ARMS! INSPECTION ARMS! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS!
The Stooges try to follow the sergeant’s rapid orders, but Curly gets confused and ends up doing a goofy dance with his rifle.
SERGEANT: ARMS! LEFT SHOULDER ARMS! (snatching Curly’s rifle away) What do you think you’re doin?! I’m gonna show you how to do the manual of arms. PORT ARMS! (holds the rifle in front of him) PRESENT ARMS! (throws the rifle back to Curly) Now do it just like I did it. PORT ARMS!
The Stooges hold their rifles up in front of them.
SERGEANT: PRESENT ARMS!
The Stooges throw their rifles at the sergeant, knocking him down to the ground.
ALL STOOGES: NYAA-AAA-AAAH! (dash out of the army headquarters, and run down the street)
CURLY: WOO-WOO! WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!
THE END
AIRCRAFT MAN #1....Harry Semels
AIRCRAFT MAN #2....Al Thompson
SERGEANT....Richard Fiske
The short opens with a close-up of a letter as Moe reads it aloud. The letter says:
“REPUBLIC OF CANNABEER, P.U.
DRAFT BOARD NO. 145 I.O.U.
Wrong Brothers--R.F.D. #7
Stincoala, Moronica
Sirs:
This draft board has decided to extend to you a thirty day deferment from military service. This is based on your claim that you have invented an airplane that will revolutionize flying. However, if at the end of thirty days you have not proven your plane to be all that you claim it is, you will be inducted into the service.
Very truly yours
Joe Strubachincoscowâ€
The camera shows the Stooges, who are looking at the letter.
MOE: Whew! What a moniker!
The camera pans back further and we see the Stooges are in a garage, standing next to a plane.
MOE: We made it! Now we get a chance to finish the Buzzard -- the greatest plane ever made!
LARRY: Nobody ever thought of inventin’ a plane like ours.
CURLY: You said it! We’re great inventors -- Robert Fulton, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, Don Ameche, and us!
MOE: (patting Curly on the head) Ha, ha, ha, ha!
CURLY: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: Okay, let’s finish her up so a-flying we can go.
LARRY: (singing through a bent pipe) Da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da
ALL STOOGES: (singing) A-flying we will go
Da da da da da da da da da
A-flying we will go
(stick their arms out and Curly and Larry accidentally hit Moe on the head)
MOE: OOH!
Moe sticks a plunger to Curly’s head and drags him by it as the Stooges march over towards a tub filled with melted rubber.
MOE AND LARRY: (singing) A-flying we will go
A-flying we will go
A-flying we will go
A-flying we will go
A-flying we will go
The Stooges arrive at the tub.
MOE: Break it up! (yanks the plunger from Curly’s head)
CURLY: (holding his head in pain) Oh!
MOE: (picking up an oar) Boy, when we paint the Buzzard with this quick-drying melted rubber, it’ll be water-proof and ice-proof.
LARRY: Right!
MOE: (tossing the oar to Larry) Hup!
LARRY: (catching the oar) Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! (holds the oar over his shoulder)
MOE: (to Curly) Now in this...
Larry turns to the side, causing the oar to hit Moe on the face.
MOE: OH!
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
MOE: (snatching the hammer in Curly’s hand) Why, you! (hits Curly on the head with the hammer, but the hammer bounces back and hits Moe on the head as well)
MOE AND CURLY: OH!
MOE: (yanking Curly away by the ear) C’mon!!
CURLY: Oh, don’t do that! Don’t do that!
Moe and Curly walk over to a table with various tools on it.
MOE: Where’s your vice?
CURLY: Vice? I have no vice. I’m a pure as the driven snow! (looks up at the air with an angelic expression)
MOE: But ya drifted! (bonks Curly on the head)
CURLY: OH!
MOE: Get outta hea! Get the vice!
As Moe and Curly begin picking up tools from the floor, the camera dissolves to the next scene and we see Moe and Curly just finishing hooking up the vice to the table. Moe picks up a tool.
MOE: (passing the tool to Curly) Hold that.
Curly takes the tool. Moe picks up another tool.
MOE: (passing it to Curly) Hold that. (takes a box out of his pocket) Hey, roll me a cigarette!
The camera cuts over to Larry, who is happily swishing the melted rubber in the tub with the oar. We now go back to Moe and Curly. Curly opens rolling paper and pours cigarette ashes in it. Then he tries to roll the paper into a cigarette, but the ashes accidentally fall out.
MOE: Hey, when I say “nowâ€, tighten this vice, will ya?
CURLY: You can depend on me!
MOE: (to himself) Lemme see -- Now, if I...
Curly hears Moe saying “nowâ€, so he drops everything in his hands and quickly tightens the vice with Moe’s hand in it.
MOE: OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! Look what you’re doin’! OOH!
CURLY: I did what you said! And you said “nowâ€!
Moe kicks Curly in the stomach.
CURLY: OH! Oh, ungrateful, eh? RUFF! RUFF!
MOE: Oh, get me out of this! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Curly tries to release the vice grip from Moe’s hand, but he has trouble turning the lever.
CURLY: Moe, it’s stuck. Hit it on top of the head.
Moe hits the top of the lever down, causing the bottom of the lever to fly up and hit Curly on the jaw.
CURLY: (holding his jaw in pain) OOH! OHH! OHH! HOO HOO!
Moe finally gets his hand out of the vice.
MOE: (holding his hand in pain) OH-OH-OH-OH!
CURLY: Oh, he broke it...I hope!
MOE: (holding out two fingers) No he didn’t! (eyepokes Curly)
CURLY: AAH! Why you! (lifts Moe’s bangs and bonks him on the forehead)
MOE: OH! (reaches for a tool) I’ll murder ya!
CURLY: (running away) No, no, Moe! Moe!
Curly runs over to the tub where Larry is, and Moe runs after him.
CURLY: Moe, I didn’t mean it! Please! Look out!
MOE: (snatching Larry’s oar and pushing him away) Get outta the way! (chases Curly with the oar)
CURLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Don’t you dare hit me on the head; you know I’m not normal!
MOE: I’ll “normal†you!
Moe swings the oar backwards and gets it stuck on Larry’s head. As he tries to lift the oar, it yanks Larry’s hair along with it.
LARRY: AAAAHHH!!!
Moe looks behind him and notices the oar stuck on Larry’s hair. He tries to lift it again, and it yanks Larry’s hair again.
LARRY: AAAGH!!
Moe spits on both of his hands then gives the oar a really good yank, causing the oar to finally release from Larry’s head and rip of a piece of his hair with it. Moe accidentally falls back and lands right in the tub filled with melted rubber.
CURLY: Mmm! (picks up the oar and looks at the piece of Larry’s hair stuck on it) Ohh! Okay, Moe. (tries to lift Moe out of the tub with the oar) Help me, Larry.
Larry runs over and grabs a pair of ice tongs, then lifts Moe up by the ears with the tongs.
LARRY: C’mon, Moe! There you are! There! There you go! There! C’mon!
The scene ends, and the next scene opens with Moe standing up next to the tub, all covered in the melted rubber as Larry wipes the rubber away from Moe’s face so he can see.
MOE: Get this rubber off of me, you idiots!
CURLY: You know that self-sealing rubber don’t come off easily! This is gonna be a tough job!
MOE: Inflate this rubber thing with that hydrogen gas. Then when the gas fills the suit, it’ll pull away from my body, then you can cut it off in strips!
Curly and Larry go over to the gas tank. Moe puts his arms to his side, but it gets stuck to the rubber on his clothes.
MOE: (trying to pull his arms away) Now my hands are caught!
Curly takes the end of the gas hose and sticks it into one of Moe’s pant legs.
LARRY: Gas on!
Larry turns the gas tank on. The scene dissolves to the next scene with Moe in a now fully-inflated suit that makes him look like a human balloon.
LARRY: (to Curly) How ya comin’?
CURLY: Okay! Gas off!
LARRY: (running back to the gas tank) Gas off! (turns the gas off)
MOE: Hey, hurry up, you guys! Get a knife and cut this off of me!
CURLY: Okay! Hold still!
As Curly and Larry begin to leave, Moe floats in the air due to the gas inflated in his suit.
MOE: WHOOAAAAAAA!
Curly and Larry look back, then look up in the air at Moe in shock.
CURLY: NYAAH!
MOE: My, oh my... (hits his head on the ceiling) OH-OH-OH- OH-OH!
CURLY: Hey, Moe, whaddaya doin’ up there?
MOE: IT’S THE GAS, YOU IDIOTS!!
CURLY: Shall I get you some bicarbonate of soda?
MOE: SHADDAP AND GET ME DOWN!
Curly grabs a large pole and tries to push Moe with it.
MOE: OHH! OHH! GET ME DOWN!
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk...
LARRY: (grabbing the pole away from Curly) Gimme that! (reaches for Moe with the pole and it hits Moe on the nose)
MOE: AAAHHH!!
Larry lifts Moe up too high and causes him to hit his head on the ceiling again.
LARRY: Open your mouth, and I’ll push you away!
MOE: Okay. (opens his mouth and the pole goes inside of it) Ohhh! (hits his head on the ceiling again) OH!
Curly looks behind him and notices a rope.
MOE: HELP ME, YOU GUYS!
CURLY: (taking the rope) I got an idea. (pushing Larry) Get out the way. WAHOO! WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA! (swings the rope around, then swings it backwards, getting it tied around Larry’s neck)
LARRY: UGH! OH!
As Moe bawls in the background like a baby, Curly keeps pulling Larry on the end of the rope, not knowing he’s tied to it. Eventually, Larry gets pulled up to Curly’s face and they both bump noses.
CURLY AND LARRY: AH!
LARRY: (untying the rope from his neck) Get outta here, you...
MOE: GET ME DOWN! (continues crying)
Larry swings the rope in the air, then throws it, tying to the bar on the ceiling behind Moe’s head.
LARRY: (to Curly) C’mon!
Curly and Larry both tug their end of the rope.
MOE: Be careful! FEATHER-BRAINS, I’LL MURDER YOU! WHOOOAAAAA!!
Curly and Larry’s tugging of their end of the rope does nothing to help Moe.
CURLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Curly and Larry stop tugging on the rope.
CURLY: We’re out of rhythm! Now, when I say “threeâ€, we’ll both yank together. One... (pauses in confusion) What comes after one???
LARRY: (spitting in Curly’s face) Two!
CURLY: OOH! (runs his hand over his face) Hmm! Thank you. One... (spitting in Larry’s face) two... THREE!
Curly and Larry both yank their end of the rope, causing it to pull down the bar it’s tied to. The bar falls and hits Curly and Larry on the head, knocking them down on the floor.
CURLY AND LARRY: OOH!
CURLY: (looking at their end of the rope) We got ‘im! (pulling the other end of the rope towards him) Are ya okay, Moe? (looks at the bar that the rope is tied to) Talk to me! Say a few... (does a double-take and looks at Larry) That ain’t Moe!
LARRY: Shut up, you splinter-brain! (pointing to the ceiling) He’s still up there!
CURLY: (looking up at Moe) NYAAH!
Curly and Larry get up from the floor.
MOE: WHOOOAAAAAA!!
CURLY: Hey! What dummies we are! We can jump up and pull him down!
LARRY: Right! Hup-hup!
CURLY: Hup-hup!
Curly lifts Larry in the air, and Larry pulls down Moe from the ceiling by his feet.
MOE: Ohhh! You feather-brains, I’ll murder ya!
CURLY AND LARRY: Whew!
LARRY: (shaking Curly’s hand) Success!
CURLY: Success!
LARRY: Let’s get the knives!
As Curly and Larry begin to leave, Moe floats back in the air again.
MOE: OH, I’M FLOATING! SAVE ME! YO-OH-OH-OH!
Curly and Larry turn back and look at Moe, who is now floating out of the chimney of the garage.
CURLY: NYAAA-AAA-AAAH! He’s a free balloon!
Moe is now floating in the sky outside.
MOE: OH, I’M FLOATING!
Curly runs over to grab a rifle as Larry looks at Moe in the sky. Then Larry hears Curly cocking the rifle.
LARRY: (runs over to Curly) Whaddaya doin’ with that rifle?! Don’t you know any better than to use a rifle?! (a beat) Ya might miss ‘im! (hands Curly an even bigger gun) Here! Use the shotgun!
CURLY: OH! Nyuk, nyuk!
Curly and Larry run to the outside of the garage
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
MOE: SAVE ME! YO-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: (pointing in the air at Moe) There he is!
MOE: I’M FLOATING AWAY!
CURLY: HOLD STILL, MOE! I’LL HAVE YOU DOWN IN A MINUTE!
Curly fires the shotgun in the air at Moe, and it blows Moe out of his inflated suit, leaving him falling down the sky in his long-johns.
MOE: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
CURLY: Nyaaa-aaaa-aaaaah!
Moe falls down a well next to the garage, and Curly and Larry run over to it. After Moe splashes in the bottom of the well, the water comes up and splashes Curly and Larry in the face.
CURLY: (shaking) Brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr!
The scene ends, and the next scene begins with the Stooges back in the garage, putting the finishing touches on the Buzzard.
CURLY: I’m through!
LARRY: So am I!
CURLY: At last, the Buzzard is finished!
LARRY: Let’s get it out!
MOE: Yeah, the aircraft men will be here any minute to watch our test flight.
CURLY: Yes, yes! Go on! I’m palpitating!
MOE: Shaddap! Just remember -- if we flop, we’re drafted! We’ve got to make good!
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute! Who’s gonna fly the Buzzard? We don’t know anything about flyin’!
MOE: Neither did the Wright Brothers, but they flew! Anything the Wright Brothers can do, the Wrong Brothers can do! Right?
LARRY: Right!
CURLY: Wrong!
Moe and Larry look at Curly in shock.
CURLY: ...Brothers!
MOE: Alright, we gotta get the Buzzard out. (examining the garage) Hey, wait a minute! We can’t get the Buzzard out; the door’s too small!
CURLY: Why take it out? Let’s fly the garage with it! Ha, ho, ho, ho!
LARRY: Yeah, sort of a “cabin jobâ€!
CURLY: (laughing) Too-hoo-hoo!
MOE: (sarcastically) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (double-slaps Curly and Larry) Get out!
CURLY: OH!
MOE: I’ll getcha out of this. Wait a minute! (measures the wings of the Buzzard, then measures the door of the garage) We got a cutting job to do! Get some saws!
Curly and Larry each grab a saw. Larry goes over to the door of the garage, but Curly begins cutting the actual wings of the Buzzard with the saw.
MOE: (to himself) Lemme see...
Moe looks behind him and notices Curly cutting the wings with the saw. Moe runs over to stop him.
MOE: HEY, YOU NITWIT!
CURLY: Huh?!
MOE: Don’t saw the wings! You saw the garage!
CURLY: I see the garage, but I don’t "saw" the garage! You are speaking incorrectly. You are moidering the King’s English! Et cetera! Seen...saw...seeing...
MOE: (strangling Curly) AAAH! Shut up! (releases Curly’s neck) You saw one side, and Larry will saw the other.
CURLY: Oh, I see! I saw! (begins cutting Moe’s left arm with the saw)
MOE: WHOOAAAA!!! (grabs the saw away) No, not like that. (bends the end of the saw and holds it) Like this! (releases the end of the saw, causing it to smack Curly in the face)
CURLY: OH!
Moe runs the saw across the top of Curly’s head.
CURLY: AAAAH-YA-HA-YA-HA!!!! (holding his head in pain) OHH! OHH! (looks at the saw) Ohh, look!
Moe looks at the saw, and its teeth are now ruined due to Curly’s hard head.
CURLY: (holding his head in pain) Ohh! Oh!
MOE: (throws the ruined saw down) C’mon, we gotta warm the plane up! (to Larry) Hey, porcupine, get in the cockpit!
The scene dissolves to Larry now inside of the cockpit of the Buzzard.
LARRY: (to Moe and Curly off-camera) Contact!
Camera cuts over to Moe and Curly standing in front of the propeller. Moe’s on the left side, and Curly’s on the right side. Curly excitedly grabs the right end of the propeller and lifts it, causing the left end to hit Moe on the head.
MOE: OOH! I’ll moida you!
LARRY: CONTACT!
MOE: CONTACT!
CURLY: Hey, wait a minute! I want a “contractâ€, too! You can’t get away with this!
MOE: (patting Curly on the face) Okay! Okay! You’ll get a "contract". Step right on the dotted line!
Curly stands next to the left side of the propeller, and Moe walks over to the right side of it.
MOE: Contact!
CURLY: Oh, boy, I’m gonna get...
Moe lifts the right end of the propeller, causing the left end to hit Curly on the head.
CURLY: OOH! OH! OH!
MOE: (pulling Curly away) C’mon, get over here! (to Larry) Contact!
LARRY: CONTACT!
Moe begins to turn the propeller as Larry starts the engine, but after a few seconds, the engine sputters.
MOE: Now, CONTACT!
LARRY: CONTACT!
Moe grabs the left end of the propeller and pushes it, then Larry starts the engine. But the propeller works backwards, so the left end of the propeller flies back up, lifting Moe with it.
MOE: (spinning around on the propeller) WHOAAAAA!! WHOAAAAAA!!
The propeller finally releases Moe, and he gets thrown in the air and lands back in the tub of melted rubber. Curly and Larry run over to the tub.
CURLY: MOE! (to Larry) Here we go again!
Curly and Larry begin helping Moe back out of the tub with the oar and ice tongs again. Then the scene dissolves over to two aircraft men standing outside the Stooges’ garage.
AIRCRAFT MAN #1: You know, I never thought the sky aircraft company would watch a test flight of three screwballs like the Wrong Brothers.
AIRCRAFT MAN #2: They’re either miracle men or they’re insane.
The two men look off-camera as they hear the engine of the Buzzard roaring.
AIRCRAFT MAN #1: (taking out his binoculars) There they go. (looks through his binoculars)
The camera cuts over to the Buzzard taking off into the air. The Stooges are inside the cockpit of the Buzzard, with Moe as the main pilot.
CURLY: Hey, quit wavin’ bye-bye! I’m gettin’ sea-sick!
MOE: Shaddap! (elbows Curly in the face)
CURLY: (holding his face in pain) OH!
MOE: Boy, isn’t this Buzzard a honey? We oughta get a contract for a million of ‘em!
LARRY: (shoving Curly) Hey, move there, will ya? You’re on my leg!
CURLY: Well, easy now, it’s...
LARRY: Move over on the side!
Moe shoves Larry.
CURLY: Look out! My leg!
Curly lifts his foot and breaks the rudder cable in half, creating a loud BOING sound.
MOE: What was that?!
CURLY: That isn’t anything. Just some little ol’ wire broke loose from some little ol’ lever!
MOE: (looking out the Buzzard) That was our rudder, you idiot! Now we can’t get our plane where we want it to go!
CURLY: Is that important? Are we goin’ anywhere?
LARRY: Yeah, to the army if this plane fails, you dope!
CURLY: That wouldn’t be bad. I wouldn’t mind bein’ a general! (saluting) Hup-hup! (accidentally hits Larry on the head)
LARRY: OOH!
The engine beings sputtering.
MOE: We’re losing altitude! We gotta get rid of some weight!
Moe and Larry suddenly look at Curly.
CURLY: Whaddaya lookin’ at me for?!
MOE: There any gas left?
CURLY: (looking at the gas tank) I dunno. The arrow points halfway. I don’t know if it’s half-empty or half-full!
MOE: Why...! Throw out the clutch!
CURLY: But Moe, if I throw out the clutch...
MOE: Do as yer told!
CURLY: â€Throw out the clutchâ€. (pulls up the front of his shirt and takes out a wrench from his tool belt underneath) I guess he knows what he wants...I hope! (begins fiddling around with the clutch)
MOE: (handing Larry a bag of cigarette ashes) Hey, roll me a cigarette!
LARRY: Right.
MOE: (handing Larry rolling paper) Here you are.
Larry opens the bag of ashes and tries to pour it on the rolling paper, but the wind blows the ashes all in Larry’s face.
LARRY: BLLGH!! (takes out a cigar from his shirt pocket and hands it to Moe) Here.
MOE: Oh, thanks! (puts the cigar in his mouth)
CURLY: Hey, I couldn’t find the clutch, so I’ll throw out the gearshift lever. See? (throws it out the cockpit)
MOE: (drops his cigar out the Buzzard while trying to catch the lever) WHOAA! (to Curly) You idiot! I oughta kill you!
The camera cuts over briefly to the aircraft men continuing to watch the Stooges.
MOE: Take the controls! I’ll fix the rudder cable! (tries to get up from his seat but Curly accidentally knocks him forward and almost out of the cockpit) WHOAAAAAA!!! (to Curly) Why you...MUTTON- HEAD!!
Moe goes to the bottom of the cockpit to fix the rudder cable and Curly pulls out various levers.
CURLY: Hey, what do we do next? (throws a lever out the cockpit)
Suddenly, the Buzzard begins going into a tailspin.
MOE: WHOOOAAAA!!!
Moe and Curly grab onto each other in fear, much to Larry’s amusement.
LARRY: Hey, you two guys goin’ steady?
Moe reaches out and slaps Larry. Suddenly, the Buzzard flies back up and then begins turning upside down.
MOE: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WE’RE TURNIN’ OVER!!
CURLY: My stomach’s in my mouth!
ALL STOOGES: (falling out of the cockpit) YAAAAH!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
The Stooges fall down the same well that Moe fell into earlier. The two aircraft men then run over to the well, and as they look inside, the Stooges splash in the water at the bottom of it, causing the water to splash up and drench the two men.
AIRCRAFT MEN: OOH!
The scene ends, and the next scene opens with the Stooges now at the army, dressed up as soldiers, and walking over to a bench.
MOE: Oh boy, a bench!
CURLY: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
The Stooges sit down on the bench.
LARRY: What a life.
CURLY: Nothin’ to do but live off the fat of the land!
MOE: And eat and sleep.
Suddenly, the sergeant appears.
SERGEANT: ATTENTION!
The Stooges quickly get up from the bench and stand in front of the sergeant.
SERGEANT: RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS!
Larry and Curly lift their rifles over their right shoulders, but Moe puts it over his left shoulder.
SERGEANT: ABOUT FACE!
The Stooges turn backwards and Larry and Curly’s rifles knock the sergeant on back of the head, pushing him behind the Stooges.
SERGEANT: (holding his neck in pain) Ohh!
The Stooges turn back the other way and Larry and Curly’s rifles then knock the Sgt. Back to the other side.
SERGEANT: ATTENTION! PRESENT ARMS!
The Stooges hold their rifles in front of them.
SERGEANT: You dumbbells!
The sergeant kicks Larry in the behind, causing Larry to accidentally fire his rifle in the air. A few seconds later, a dead duck comes falling down from the sky and plops in front of Larry. He picks it up.
CURLY: Oh!
The sergeant kicks Curly in the behind, causing him to accidentally fire his rifle in the air. Curly holds his hand out in anticipation of his falling dead duck, but no duck comes down. Curly snaps his fingers in disappointment. The sergeant then kicks Moe in the behind, causing him to fire his rifle in the air, and a dead duck comes down in front of him. He picks it up.
MOE: Oh, a duck!
LARRY: Look at mine!
CURLY: But I missed!
Finally, Curly’s dead duck falls down in front of him.
CURLY: Oh! (picks up the duck) A duck for my tapeworm!
ALL STOOGES: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
SERGEANT: Drop those ducks and fall in that line!
The Stooges drop their rifles on the ground and keep their ducks, then begin to run up to the line of soldiers.
SERGEANT: HEY!
The Stooges run back over and substitute their ducks for their rifles.
CURLY: (to the ducks) Don’t go away! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The Stooges run over to the line of soldiers and stand in place. The sergeant then follows them.
SERGEANT: Now get this – I’m gonna make soldiers outta you guys if I hafta kill ya! (to the other soldiers) And that goes for you, too! ATTENTION! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT FACE! BY TWOS, FORWARD MARCH!
The rest of the soldiers and the sergeant begin marching one way, but the Stooges go the wrong way. Larry and Moe march next to each other and Curly marches behind them, doing his shuffle dance occasionally. After a while of this, Curly looks behind him and notices the rest of the soldiers are going the other way.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk... (does a double take) Hey, don’t look now, but I think we’re goin’ the wrong way!
The Stooges quickly rush up behind the rest of the soldiers and the sergeant, and march behind them like nothing happened.
SERGEANT: TO THE REAR! MARCH!
The soldiers turn the other way around and continue marching, with the Stooges now leading the way. After a while, the Stooges begin skipping and the rest of the soldiers follow by skipping along with them. The sergeant does a double take when he notices his whole army skipping.
SERGEANT: COMPANY, HALT!
The soldiers stop marching, and the sergeant runs over to the Stooges.
SERGEANT: What do you guys think you’re doin’ - playin’ “Hippety-Hop at the Barbershop�!
Curly begins using his sleeve to wipe the stripes on Sgt. Dare’s uniform, but the Sgt. stops him.
SERGEANT: Now snap into and march like soldiers, (to the rest of soldiers) and that goes for you, too! ABOUT FACE!
CURLY: (to Moe) I won’t do it; he don’t pay my salary! It’s a guy with a beard!
The sergeant walks over to Curly.
CURLY: I wo... (turns towards the sergeant) NYUUUH!
SERGEANT: About face!
The Stooges turn the other way, leaving them facing towards the other soldiers.
SERGEANT: FORWARD MARCH!
The soldiers and the Stooges both march forward and bump into each other, causing them to fall down.
SERGEANT: COMPANY, ATTENTION! Fall in on that line! FALL IN!
The soldiers all get back in place. The sergeant walks back over to the Stooges.
SERGEANT: Now, listen -- One more break outta you guys, and I’m gonna hang ya -- all three of ya! Now, I’m gonna teach ya how to be soldiers whether ya like it or not! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! LEFT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! PORT ARMS! INSPECTION ARMS! PORT ARMS! INSPECTION ARMS! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS!
The Stooges try to follow the sergeant’s rapid orders, but Curly gets confused and ends up doing a goofy dance with his rifle.
SERGEANT: ARMS! LEFT SHOULDER ARMS! (snatching Curly’s rifle away) What do you think you’re doin?! I’m gonna show you how to do the manual of arms. PORT ARMS! (holds the rifle in front of him) PRESENT ARMS! (throws the rifle back to Curly) Now do it just like I did it. PORT ARMS!
The Stooges hold their rifles up in front of them.
SERGEANT: PRESENT ARMS!
The Stooges throw their rifles at the sergeant, knocking him down to the ground.
ALL STOOGES: NYAA-AAA-AAAH! (dash out of the army headquarters, and run down the street)
CURLY: WOO-WOO! WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!
THE END
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