Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2003-07-05
BOOBS IN ARMS
MAN IN STREET/HUSBAND/SGT. DARE....Richard Fiske
MAN IN APARTMENT/GENERAL....Eddie Laughton
WIFE....Evelyn Young
ENEMY GENERAL....John Tyrell
The short opens with a close-up of a box of cards that says: "CARDS FOR ALL OCCASIONS". The camera pans up a little on Larry. He’s smiling happily, holding a card up to the camera, and we see the card box is hooked around his neck.
LARRY: Greeting cards, folks!
Moe and Curly both extend a hand holding a greeting card from off-camera and accidentally slap Larry in the face.
MOE: Greeting cards?
CURLY: Greeting cards?
The camera pans back farther and we see that the Stooges are standing in the middle of a sidewalk, trying to attract the attention of passer-bys.
ALL STOOGES: Greeting cards! Here we are! Cards for all occasions! How about a card, mister?
The Stooges come across a man smoking a cigarette.
MOE: Pardon me, stranger. Can we interest ya in a nice greeting card?
CURLY: We write ‘em ourselves.
LARRY: Maybe your mother has a birthday.
CURLY: (holding up a card) Here’s just the thing -- Our 77- B.
The man blows his cigarette smoke right into Curly’s eyes and walks away.
CURLY: OOO! (running his hand across his face) Hmm! A snob, eh?!
The Stooges go back to trying to get the passer-bys attention.
ALL STOOGES: Here we are, folks! Right here!
They come across an attractive woman.
MOE: Oh! Greeting and salutations! Greeting cards?
LARRY: Maybe your father has a birthday!
CURLY: (holding up a card) Here’s just the thing -- Our H2O!
The woman looks at Curly with a mean expression then walks away.
CURLY: Oh, a snobbess! RUFF!
The woman turns back to the Stooges and gives Curly a punch in the face, knocking his head back into Moe’s head.
MOE: OH!
ALL STOOGES: (running away from the woman) NYAAA-AAAAH!
The Stooges run around a corner and accidentally bump into a man, knocking him down. The Stooges then help him up.
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: We’re sorry, mister!
CURLY: It was unawoidable!
MAN IN STREET: Why don’t you look where you’re goin’?! You think you own the sidewalk?!
MOE: Well, we said we’re sorry.
MAN IN STREET: Yeah?!
MOE: Yeah! Well, if you wanna make somethin’ out of it, (pushing Curly in front of him) why go ahead!
The man punches Curly in the face, causing his head to back into Moe’s face.
CURLY: (holding his lip in pain) Oh! Ooh! Oh!
MOE: (to the man) If I thought you meant that, (pushing Curly in front of him again) I’d like to see you do that once more!
The man punches Curly again, causing his head to back into Moe’s face.
CURLY: Oh! (yelling in Moe’s face) For Pete’s sake, take his word for it; he MEANS it!
Moe kicks the man in the behind. As he turns towards Moe, Curly kicks him in the behind. Then he turns towards Curly, and Moe give him a kick again. This goes on an on while Larry opens up a nearby sidewalk shut-in. Larry then whistles to catch Curly’s attention.
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
Curly headbutts the man, knocking him back towards the open shut-in.
MAN IN STREET: Uhh! (falling down the open shut in) Ohhhhhh!
After the man lands down the shut-in, the Stooges run up to it.
MAN IN STREET: Wait’ll I get outta here! I’ll fix you if it’s the last thing I ever do!
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk!
LARRY: (handing Curly a card) Read ‘im #22.
CURLY: (reading the card) “Greetings, little shut in
Don’t you weep or sigh
If you’re not out by Christmas
You’ll be out the 4th of July!â€
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The Stooges close the shut-in on the man as the scene ends.
The next scene opens with the Stooges inside of an apartment house.
LARRY: We have to do some business.
MOE: We better sell some cards in this apartment house.
CURLY: It ain’t my fault there ain’t enough weddings and funerals.
The Stooges walk up an apartment door.
CURLY: I’ll try in here. (knocks on the door) May have some more. Who can tell? Ha, ha, ha!
The man inside the apartment opens the door and Curly, while still looking at Moe and Larry, continues knocking and bonks the man on the head continuously.
MAN IN APARTMENT: Say, say, say, say! What is going on here?!
ALL STOOGES: (running away) Nyaaa-aaa-aaah!
MAN IN APARTMENT: Humph!
MOE: (to Curly) You picked a fine way to sell cards -- hittin’ people in the face! (pushing Curly away) Stand aside! I’ll show ya how to sell cards!
Moe walks up to another apartment door and begins tapping the knocker against the door to the tune of “Shave and a Haircutâ€. After tapping it a few times, Moe turns over to Curly and Larry, then the knocker finishes out the tune by itself. The Stooges twitch in shock. The door then opens and a woman appears. Moe and Larry politely tip their hats (Curly isn’t wearing one).
MOE: How do you do, lady?
CURLY: We’re selling cards for all occasions.
LARRY: Maybe you’d like to buy one for your sweetheart.
MOE: Or your husband.
WIFE: â€Husbandâ€?! (pulls out a handkerchief and begins crying)
MOE: What’s wrong, lady? (holds the wife by the arm and walks inside the apartment with her) Come in and sit down.
LARRY: What happened???
CURLY: I didn’t do nothin’!
LARRY: (pushing Curly) Get in there!
The Stooges and the wife all walk inside the apartment, and Moe and Larry remove their hats.
MOE: (pointing to the couch) Sit right down over there.
The wife sits down on the couch, Moe and Larry sit down on opposite sides of her, and Curly stands next to the couch.
MOE: There we are. Now, what’s the weeps all about?
WIFE: I’m afraid my husband doesn’t love me anymore!
LARRY: Is that all?! I thought it was serious. That’s easily fixed.
MOE: Why, certainly. All you have to do is to get somebody to make love to ya - and make your husband jealous.
WIFE: Do you think it would work?
MOE: “Think�! Why, certainly! He’ll be so jealous, he’ll take ya right in his arms and kiss ya!
CURLY: Hmm! A pleasure! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Moe angrily gets up from the couch and walks up to Curly as Curly fearfully backs away.
MOE: Now listen! I want you to watch your P’s and Q’s, ya hear?
The sound of tires screeching is heard outside the window. The wife walks up to the window and sees that her husband, the same man who the Stooges got into a fight with in the street earlier, is getting out of his car.
WIFE: It’s my husband! Will you gentlemen help me? I’ll see that you’re rewarded handsomely.
LARRY: Will we?!
CURLY: Make way for the original Romeo! (runs his hand over his head and walks up to the lady) Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
MOE: (pushing Curly back) Spread out!
Outside, the husband slams his car door and accidentally gets his suit caught in it. Frustrated, he tries to pull it out but ends up ripping the suit instead.
HUSBAND: (crying) Everything happens to meeeee!!
Back inside the apartment, the wife is still looking at her husband outside the window, then she goes over to the Stooges.
WIFE: Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen! Which one of you will be my sweetheart?!
ALL STOOGES: I will!
MOE: (pulling Larry and Curly towards him) C’mere, you! I’m the president of this corporation! We’ll work it out scientifically! (points to each Stooge in rapid succession)
Adirondack, one zell, two zell, three zell, zam!
The bucktail thenaget tickle and tam!
Eh, scram, the butcher man!
See, saw, buck, out!
(ends up pointing to Curly) Lucky! (pushes Curly)
CURLY: Hmm!
Curly falls back onto the couch, next to the wife. The wife then sits on Curly’s lap and she and Curly kiss each other on the lips.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
WIFE: (passing out) Uhhh...
CURLY: Hey, fellas! She’s fainted!
MOE: (to Larry) Get a drink!
CURLY: Quick!
Larry pours water in a glass, then drinks the whole glass of water down himself.
MOE: Hey, you! Get her a drink, you nitwit! Hurry up!
Larry looks in a cabinet for more water and finds a seltzer bottle.
MOE: Hurry up!!
Larry runs up to the unconscious wife and puts the opening of the seltzer bottle in her mouth. He then turns the seltzer on, but it ends up spraying out of both the wife’s ears and into Curly and Moe’s faces, who are sitting on opposite sides of her.
CURLY AND MOE: UGH!!!
MOE: Shut that seltzer off, you nitwit!
Larry finally turns the seltzer off. Moe and Curly angrily walk up to him.
CURLY: Drop it!!
Larry drops the seltzer bottle and it falls right on Curly’s foot.
CURLY: (hopping in pain) OOH! OOH HOO HOO! OOH!
The husband walks up to the outside of the apartment and begins unlocking the door.
MOE: Hey! (whispering) Shh! Here comes somebody! Quick, get busy!
Larry takes off his suit coat and then sits on the couch. Curly and Moe lift up the unconscious wife, then sit her on top of Larry’s lap. The husband walks inside the apartment and jumps in shock when he sees Moe and Curly romancing his wife. Larry has his arms behind the wife and makes it look like the wife is conscious and moving her arms.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
MOE: Oh, darling! Leave your husband and fly away with us.
CURLY: You know you love us, not that pickle-puss husband of yours! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The angry husband walks up to Curly and Moe.
HUSBAND: What’s goin’ on here?!
CURLY: Scram, buddy! You’re interferin’ with romance!
MOE: Go a...
Curly and Moe do a double take when they realize that the husband is the same man they had a fight with in the street.
CURLY AND MOE: NYAAA-AAA-AAAAH!
The husband then also recognizes Moe and Curly.
HUSBAND: (pulling out his gun) Why, you!
CURLY AND MOE: Nyaaa-aaaa-aaah!
Right before the husband fires his gun, Curly runs over to him and headbutts him again, knocking him down.
HUSBAND: UHH!!
As he falls, he accidentally fires his gun, causing a bullet to shoot through the chain holding the chandelier above his head. The chandelier falls and smashes on his head, knocking him out. The Stooges walk over to him.
CURLY: Ruff, ruff! (waves his arm at the husband)
Curly walks up to the door and holds it open as Moe and Larry walk through it. Then as Curly turns his back on the husband, the husband comes back to, picks up his gun, and shoots Curly in the behind.
CURLY: OH!!
ALL STOOGES: (running out of the apartment) Nyuuu-uuu- uuuh!
After the Stooges run out of the apartment, the husband gets up from the floor, picks up his gun and tries to fire it again, but it’s out of bullets. He throws the gun down and chases after the Stooges. We see the husband chasing the Stooges in and out various doors leading to the outside of the building. This goes on and on until the Stooges accidentally bump into the husband, knocking him down.
HUSBAND: OH!
MOE: Pardon me, mister.
The Stooges help the husband up, not knowing who he is.
MOE: There was a man chasing us... Nyaah, you’re the man! (eyepokes the husband)
HUSBAND: OHHH!!!!
As the husband rubs his eyes in pain, the Stooges dash away. When the husband is done, he doesn’t know the direction where the Stooges ran away, so he runs in the opposite direction of where they went. We see the Stooges running up to a long line of people in front of a flight of stairs leading to a building, then stopping. The Stooges sit on the steps as they try to catch their breath.
MOE: We’ll hide in this bread line.
The Stooges squeeze into the middle of the long line.
LARRY: They’ll never find us...here.
CURLY: That’s good. I’ve been runnin’ so much, I worked up...an appetite.
The camera pans over to the left and we see a sign outside the building that the long line is leading to that says:
"RECRUTIING HEADQUARTERS
JOIN THE ARMY AND SEE THE WORLD
OR WHAT’S LEFT OF IT"
The camera then dissolves to a sign that says “QUARTERMASTERâ€. The camera pans down to show the door below the sign, and the Stooges walk out, dressed up as soldiers, carrying rifles.
CURLY: Boy, this reminds me of Card #24:
“You’re in the army now
You’ll always have your chow
You’ll never get rich...â€
MOE: I know, I know, but we don’t need any money in the army!
CURLY: (waving his arm at Moe) Hmm!
The Stooges begin to walk away and notice a nearby bench.
MOE: Oh boy, a bench!
CURLY: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
The Stooges sit down on the bench.
LARRY: What a life.
CURLY: Nothin’ to do but live off the fat of the land!
MOE: And eat and sleep.
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: That’s what you think!
MOE: (to Curly) That’s what I said! What about it?!
CURLY: I didn’t say anything!
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: But I did!
The Stooges look over off-screen where the voice is coming from.
ALL STOOGES: NYAAA-AAA-AAAH!
The camera pans over to where the off-screen voice came from, and it turns out it’s the sergeant, Hugh Dare, who also happens to be the husband/man in the street from earlier in the film.
SGT. DARE: Well, well, well... So we meet again!
The Stooges smile nervously.
SGT. DARE: ATTENTION!
The Stooges quickly get up from the bench and stand in front of Sgt. Dare.
SGT. DARE: RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS!
Larry and Curly lift their rifles over their right shoulders, but Moe puts it over his left shoulder.
SGT. DARE: ABOUT FACE!
The Stooges turn backwards and Larry and Curly’s rifles knock Sgt. Dare on back of the head, pushing him behind the Stooges.
SGT. DARE: (holding his neck in pain) Ohh!
The Stooges turn back the other way and Larry and Curly’s rifles then knock the Sgt. Back to the other side.
SGT. DARE: ATTENTION! PRESENT ARMS!
The Stooges hold their rifles in front of them.
SGT. DARE: You dumbbells!
Sgt. Dare kicks Larry in the behind, causing Larry to accidentally fire his rifle in the air. A few seconds later, a dead duck comes falling down from the sky and plops in front of Larry. He picks it up.
CURLY: Oh!
Sgt. Dare kicks Curly in the behind, causing him to accidentally fire his rifle in the air. Curly holds his hand out in anticipation of his falling dead duck, but no duck comes down. Curly snaps his fingers in disappointment. Sgt. Dare then kicks Moe in the behind, causing him to fire his rifle in the air, and a dead duck comes down in front of him. He picks it up.
MOE: Oh, a duck!
LARRY: Look at mine!
CURLY: But I missed!
Finally, Curly’s dead duck falls down in front of him.
CURLY: Oh! (picks up the duck) A duck for my tapeworm!
ALL STOOGES: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
SGT. DARE: Drop those ducks and fall in that line!
The Stooges drop their rifles on the ground and keep their ducks, then begin to run up to the line of soldiers.
SGT. DARE: HEY!
The Stooges run back over and substitute their ducks for their rifles.
CURLY: (to the ducks) Don’t go away! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The Stooges run over to the line of soldiers and stand in place. Sgt. Dare then follows them.
SGT. DARE: Now get this – I’m gonna make soldiers outta you guys if I hafta kill ya! -- And I hope I do! (to the other soldiers) And that goes for you, too! ATTENTION! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT FACE! BY TWOS, FORWARD MARCH!
The rest of the soldiers and Sgt. Dare begin marching one way, but the Stooges go the wrong way. Larry and Moe march next to each other and Curly marches behind them, doing his shuffle dance occasionally. After a while of this, Curly looks behind him and notices the rest of the soldiers are going the other way.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk... (does a double take) Hey, don’t look now, but I think we’re goin’ the wrong way!
The Stooges quickly rush up behind the rest of the soldiers and Sgt. Dare, and march behind them like nothing happened.
SGT. DARE: TO THE REAR! MARCH!
The soldiers turn the other way around and continue marching, with the Stooges now leading the way. After a while, the Stooges begin skipping and the rest of the soldiers follow by skipping along with them. Sgt. Dare does a double take when he notices his whole army skipping.
SGT. DARE: COMPANY, HALT!
The soldiers stop marching, and Sgt. Dare runs over to the Stooges.
SGT. DARE: What do you guys think you’re doin’ - playin’ “Hippety-Hop at the Barbershop�!
Curly begins using his sleeve to wipe the stripes on Sgt. Dare’s uniform, but the Sgt. stops him.
SGT. DARE: Now snap into and march like soldiers, (to the rest of soldiers) and that goes for you, too! ABOUT FACE!
CURLY: (to Moe) I won’t do it; he don’t pay my salary! It’s a guy with a beard!
Sgt. Dare walks over to Curly.
CURLY: I wo... (turns towards Sgt. Dare) NYUUUH!
SGT. DARE: About face!
The Stooges turn the other way, leaving them facing towards the other soldiers.
SGT. DARE: FORWARD MARCH!
The soldiers and the Stooges both march forward and bump into each other, causing them to fall down.
SGT. DARE: COMPANY, ATTENTION! Fall in on that line! FALL IN!
The soldiers all get back in place. Sgt. Dare walks back over to the Stooges.
SGT. DARE: Now, listen -- One more break outta you guys, and I’m gonna hang ya -- all three of ya! Now, I’m gonna teach ya how to be soldiers whether ya like it or not! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! LEFT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! PORT ARMS! INSPECTION ARMS! PORT ARMS! INSPECTION ARMS! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS!
The Stooges try to follow Sgt. Dare’s rapid orders, but Curly gets confused and ends up doing a goofy dance with his rifle.
SGT. DARE: ARMS! LEFT SHOULDER ARMS! (snatching Curly’s rifle away) What do you think you’re doin?! I’m gonna show you how to do the manual of arms. PORT ARMS! (holds the rifle in front of him) PRESENT ARMS! (throws the rifle back to Curly) Now do it just like I did it. PORT ARMS!
The Stooges hold their rifles up in front of them.
SGT. DARE: PRESENT ARMS!
The Stooges throw their rifles at the Sgt., knocking him down to the ground.
ALL STOOGES: NYAA-AAA-AAAH! (run away from Sgt. Dare and hide behind large target bags)
Sgt. Dare gets up from the ground.
SGT. DARE: Where are they?! Where’d they go?!
Sgt. Dare looks over and notices the Stooges each climbing inside a target bag.
SGT. DARE: (to the other soldiers) COMPANY, ATTENTION! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT FACE! DOUBLE TIME, FORWARD MARCH!
Sgt. Dare and the soldiers march over towards the target bags, as the Stooges, inside the bags, look on in fear.
ALL STOOGES: Nyaaah!
The Stooges duck into their bags when the Sgt. Dare and the soldiers arrive.
SGT. DARE: COMPANY, HALT! Now, we’re gonna have a little bayonet practice, men!
Sgt. Dare pats the target bags to let the Stooges know their fate.
CURLY: NYUUH!
SGT. DARE: (putting a bayonet on his rifle) Now you always wanna get them right between the eyes! High. (points to the nose of Larry’s target bag) Just about here! (squeezes Larry’s nose through the bag)
LARRY: OH! Ohhh!
SGT. DARE: See, men? Right about there! (punches Larry in the face through the bag) Ha! Now, then -- Plant your feet firmly, hold the gun steady, and lunge hard! (sticks his bayonet into Larry’s target bag) Right between the eyes! (the bayonet dangles around a nervous Larry’s face) But sometimes the enemy doesn’t give you a chance to use your bayonet. (walks over to the target bag that Moe is inside) So then you...club ‘em! (clubs Moe through the bag) If they haven’t surrendered by then, ya kick ‘em! (kicks Moe through the bag) And then ya slug ‘em! (punches Moe through the bag) But the thing to remember is -- the bayonet’s your real weapon! (walks up to the target bag that Curly is inside) On this bag, I’ll show ya how to really do away with the enemy. Ya lunge high! (sticks his bayonet into Curly’s target bag) Right between the eyes! (the bayonet dangles around Curly’s tie)
CURLY: Nyaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaah! (grabs his tie as Sgt. Dare pulls the bayonet back out of the bag)
SGT. DARE: Ya lunge high again, (sticks his bayonet back into Curly’s target bag) right in the nose! (the bayonet dangles around Curly’s nose for a few seconds, then Sgt. Dare pulls the bayonet back out)
CURLY: Nyuuuuuuh! (slaps face and chatters teeth)
SGT. DARE: But the main thing to remember is -- you get them, don’t let them get you!
Curly peeks out of the hole in his bag, then begins rocking his bag back and forth.
SGT. DARE: Now then, you grab the gun firmly, both wrists rigid, your left forearm parallel to the ground. Then you pivot with your right foot, and you throw everything you have into it!
Sgt. Dare dives for Curly’s bag, but misses due to Curly’s rocking it back and forth, and he goes crashing into the ground. The soldiers laugh out loud at Sgt. Dare. He gets up from the ground.
SGT. DARE: SILENCE!!
Sgt. Dare notices a nearby gardener washing bushes with a hose.
SGT. DARE: (snatching the hose away) Gimme that hose!
Sgt. Dare sprays the hose inside of Curly’s target bag, drenching Curly.
SGT. DARE: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Moe sticks his head out of his target bag and spits water in Sgt. Dare’s face, then quickly sticks his head back inside the bag.
SGT. DARE: Why, you!
Sgt. Dare begins spraying the hose inside of Moe’s bag. Curly peers out of his bag and dumps his water-filled hat all over Sgt. Dare. Sgt. Dare then takes the hose and begins spraying it inside of all three of the bags.
SGT. DARE: Ha, ha, ha!
The Stooges pull out umbrellas and cover the openings of their bags with them. Dumbfounded, Sgt. Dare holds the hose towards his face and accidentally sprays himself. Sgt. Dare then sits down on the floor and begins crying.
SGT. DARE: Everything happens to me!
The scene ends, and the next scene opens with a battle going on. We hear cannons being shot and soldiers running all over the place. However, the Stooges are happily sleeping right in the middle of the battlefield, and snoring loudly. Curly turns over in his sleep and we see an ad on the back of his uniform that reads:
"WHEN YOU GET BACK
EAT AT
O’BRIEN’S KOSHER RESTAURANT
SOUP, SALAD, ENTREE
COFFEE DESERT
''ALL THIS AND HERRING TOO''.
40 cents"
The general walks up to the Stooges.
GENERAL: (kicking the Stooges) C’mon! Get up! Get up!
The Stooges begin to awake.
GENERAL: ATTENTION!
The Stooges get up from the ground and stand in a line. Larry and Moe both salute normally, but Curly does a mock Mussolini salute. Moe angrily elbows him, and Curly stops and salutes normally.
GENERAL: Our patrol detachment under Sgt. Dare has failed to return. They must be captured!
CURLY: Oh, goody, goody!
GENERAL: What?!
Curly twitches in shock, then salutes.
GENERAL: We are going to make a surprise attack and rescue the sergeant.
CURLY: Aw, let the enemy keep ‘im!
GENERAL: QUIET!!
A soldier brings over a shell marked “LAUGHING GASâ€.
GENERAL: This shell contains a new type of laughing gas which will render the enemy helpless.
The soldier gives the laughing gas shell to Curly.
GENERAL: Fire it as soon as I leave. (to the soldiers with him) C’mon, men! On the double! (leaves)
CURLY: Hmm! Laughing gas. I never hoid of it.
MOE: C’mon, orders is orders! (pulls Curly by his lip and Larry by his hat strap)
CURLY AND LARRY: OOH! OOH! OOH!
Moe drags Larry and Curly over to a cannon, then releases them.
MOE: (to Larry) C’mon, get a fuse in there!
Larry takes out a match.
MOE: (to Curly) Shell ready? (puts a whole bag of gunpowder inside the cannon) Shell in!
Curly puts the laughing gas shell inside of the cannon, then uses a swab to try to push the shell farther in the cannon, but ends up getting the end of the swab lodged inside the cannon. Meanwhile, Larry lights the cannon fuse with the match.
MOE: Heave! Heave!
CURLY: (trying to pull the swab out) Hmm! (trying even harder to pull the swab out) HMMMM!
MOE: C’mon, muscle-bound!
CURLY: Help me!
Moe grabs the end of the swab.
MOE: Heave!
Moe and Curly both pull at the same time, but the end of the swab breaks off, sending Curly and Moe falling backwards.
CURLY: WHOA!
Moe falls into a puddle of mud.
CURLY: Hmm! (looks back and notices Moe in the mud puddle) Nyuuu-uuuh! Hmm! What’s the idea of goin’ swimmin’?! We got work to do!
MOE: Get me outta hea!
Curly helps Moe out of the puddle.
CURLY: C’mon!
MOE: Ohhh...
CURLY: That’s a fine time!
MOE: You pumpkin-brain! (punches Curly in the stomach)
CURLY: (turns backwards and holds his stomach in pain) Ohh! Ohh! Ohhhhh!
Moe kicks Curly in the behind, sending him forward towards the cannon and causing him to get his head stuck inside the cannon opening.
CURLY: HMM! Get me out! I’m suffocated! I’m asphyxiated! I’m humiliated!
MOE: Hey, wait a minute!
Moe runs over to Curly. Larry, who’s kneeling behind the lit cannon fuse with his fingers plugged in his ears, notices Curly’s dilemma and runs over to him.
CURLY: Get me out! Ooh!
MOE: Look where he is!
CURLY: GET ME OUT!!
Moe and Larry grab Curly by the legs and try pulling Curly’s head out of the cannon.
MOE: (pulling) Hep!
CURLY: Ooh!
MOE: (pulling) Hep!
CURLY: Ooh!
MOE: (pulling) Hep!
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! GET ME OUT!
Moe and Larry turn backwards, then grab Curly by the feet.
MOE: Ready? GO!
Moe and Larry pull and Curly’s head finally pops back out of the cannon, causing all the Stooges to fall on the ground. The cannon then points over right above Curly’s head.
CURLY: OH! Oh! Hmm! (looks up and notices the cannon pointed towards his face) NYUUU-UUU-UUU-UUUUU-UUU-UUU- UUUH!!!
The Stooges get up from the ground and lift the rifle so it points toward the sky.
ALL STOOGES: Whew!
MOE: (to Curly) You lunkhead, I oughta...
The cannon suddenly shoots the laughing gas shell in the air. As the Stooges cover their ears in anticipation of it going off, the shell comes back down and explodes right in front of the Stooges. A huge cloud of dust covers the screen. After it clears away, we see the Stooges, with their uniforms now tattered, lying in a big hole in the ground caused by the explosion and laughing uncontrollably due to the laughing gas. Moe and Curly stand up from the hole, but Larry falls back in when he tries to get out. Moe and Curly laugh even harder when they see this. Suddenly, enemy soldiers appear and begins taking the hysterical Stooges away.
CURLY: I think we’re captured!
MOE: They’ll probably shoot us!
The Stooges continue laughing and skipping their feet as the enemy soldiers take them away. The scene ends, and the next scene opens inside the enemy headquarters. The enemy general is sitting behind a desk, and the captured Sgt. Dare is standing in front of him. The laughing Stooges then walk in the office with the enemy soldiers following them.
ENEMY GENERAL: (to the soldiers) Irst-fay, ou-yay am- scray!
The Stooges laugh even harder at the general as the soldiers leave.
ENEMY GENERAL: (standing up from his chair) QUIET!
The enemy general triple-slaps the Stooges. While still laughing, the Stooges punch him in the stomach, knock off his pointy hat, then nose-honk him.
ENEMY GENERAL: OOH! (taking out his sword) Why, you! I’ll get... (lunges at the Stooges with the sword)
Moe and Larry jump out of the way, but Curly quickly pulls Sgt. Dare over to him so he faces him. The general ends up stabbing Sgt. Dare in the behind.
SGT. DARE: OHHHH!
Sgt. Dare grabs Curly and tries to punch him, but Curly ducks and Sgt. Dare punches the enemy general instead.
ENEMY GENERAL: (falling back) Oh! (accidentally sits on top of the pointy hat) OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!! (stands up from the floor with the hat stuck in his behind) AAH! AAH!! (runs up to the window and jumps out of it)
Suddenly, a whole bunch of enemy soldiers enter the room. Curly picks up a large table and launches it right over to the soldiers, causing the table to get stuck on their bayonets. Curly runs over to them and rips one of the table legs off. Then he walks behind one of the soldiers to knock him out, and Sgt. Dare walks behind Curly to tell him something. Before Sgt. Dare can say anything, Curly swings the table leg backwards and accidentally knocks Sgt. Dare out with the table leg, then knocks out the first soldier with it. Curly then knocks out a few more soldiers, but when he gets to the last soldier, the soldier doesn’t gets knocked out right after the hit. The Stooges stop laughing momentarily. Curly blows in the soldier’s face, and that finally knocks him out. The Stooges resume their laughter. Suddenly, several bombs are shot into the room and fly past the Stooges and out the window as the Stooges unintentionally duck and dodge them.
MOE: Our own army is bombarding us!
LARRY: We’ll get killed!
One last bomb gets shot into the room but this one gets caught in between the Stooges legs, causing the bomb to carry the hysterical Stooges as it shoots out the window and into the sky.
THE END
MAN IN STREET/HUSBAND/SGT. DARE....Richard Fiske
MAN IN APARTMENT/GENERAL....Eddie Laughton
WIFE....Evelyn Young
ENEMY GENERAL....John Tyrell
The short opens with a close-up of a box of cards that says: "CARDS FOR ALL OCCASIONS". The camera pans up a little on Larry. He’s smiling happily, holding a card up to the camera, and we see the card box is hooked around his neck.
LARRY: Greeting cards, folks!
Moe and Curly both extend a hand holding a greeting card from off-camera and accidentally slap Larry in the face.
MOE: Greeting cards?
CURLY: Greeting cards?
The camera pans back farther and we see that the Stooges are standing in the middle of a sidewalk, trying to attract the attention of passer-bys.
ALL STOOGES: Greeting cards! Here we are! Cards for all occasions! How about a card, mister?
The Stooges come across a man smoking a cigarette.
MOE: Pardon me, stranger. Can we interest ya in a nice greeting card?
CURLY: We write ‘em ourselves.
LARRY: Maybe your mother has a birthday.
CURLY: (holding up a card) Here’s just the thing -- Our 77- B.
The man blows his cigarette smoke right into Curly’s eyes and walks away.
CURLY: OOO! (running his hand across his face) Hmm! A snob, eh?!
The Stooges go back to trying to get the passer-bys attention.
ALL STOOGES: Here we are, folks! Right here!
They come across an attractive woman.
MOE: Oh! Greeting and salutations! Greeting cards?
LARRY: Maybe your father has a birthday!
CURLY: (holding up a card) Here’s just the thing -- Our H2O!
The woman looks at Curly with a mean expression then walks away.
CURLY: Oh, a snobbess! RUFF!
The woman turns back to the Stooges and gives Curly a punch in the face, knocking his head back into Moe’s head.
MOE: OH!
ALL STOOGES: (running away from the woman) NYAAA-AAAAH!
The Stooges run around a corner and accidentally bump into a man, knocking him down. The Stooges then help him up.
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: We’re sorry, mister!
CURLY: It was unawoidable!
MAN IN STREET: Why don’t you look where you’re goin’?! You think you own the sidewalk?!
MOE: Well, we said we’re sorry.
MAN IN STREET: Yeah?!
MOE: Yeah! Well, if you wanna make somethin’ out of it, (pushing Curly in front of him) why go ahead!
The man punches Curly in the face, causing his head to back into Moe’s face.
CURLY: (holding his lip in pain) Oh! Ooh! Oh!
MOE: (to the man) If I thought you meant that, (pushing Curly in front of him again) I’d like to see you do that once more!
The man punches Curly again, causing his head to back into Moe’s face.
CURLY: Oh! (yelling in Moe’s face) For Pete’s sake, take his word for it; he MEANS it!
Moe kicks the man in the behind. As he turns towards Moe, Curly kicks him in the behind. Then he turns towards Curly, and Moe give him a kick again. This goes on an on while Larry opens up a nearby sidewalk shut-in. Larry then whistles to catch Curly’s attention.
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
Curly headbutts the man, knocking him back towards the open shut-in.
MAN IN STREET: Uhh! (falling down the open shut in) Ohhhhhh!
After the man lands down the shut-in, the Stooges run up to it.
MAN IN STREET: Wait’ll I get outta here! I’ll fix you if it’s the last thing I ever do!
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk!
LARRY: (handing Curly a card) Read ‘im #22.
CURLY: (reading the card) “Greetings, little shut in
Don’t you weep or sigh
If you’re not out by Christmas
You’ll be out the 4th of July!â€
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The Stooges close the shut-in on the man as the scene ends.
The next scene opens with the Stooges inside of an apartment house.
LARRY: We have to do some business.
MOE: We better sell some cards in this apartment house.
CURLY: It ain’t my fault there ain’t enough weddings and funerals.
The Stooges walk up an apartment door.
CURLY: I’ll try in here. (knocks on the door) May have some more. Who can tell? Ha, ha, ha!
The man inside the apartment opens the door and Curly, while still looking at Moe and Larry, continues knocking and bonks the man on the head continuously.
MAN IN APARTMENT: Say, say, say, say! What is going on here?!
ALL STOOGES: (running away) Nyaaa-aaa-aaah!
MAN IN APARTMENT: Humph!
MOE: (to Curly) You picked a fine way to sell cards -- hittin’ people in the face! (pushing Curly away) Stand aside! I’ll show ya how to sell cards!
Moe walks up to another apartment door and begins tapping the knocker against the door to the tune of “Shave and a Haircutâ€. After tapping it a few times, Moe turns over to Curly and Larry, then the knocker finishes out the tune by itself. The Stooges twitch in shock. The door then opens and a woman appears. Moe and Larry politely tip their hats (Curly isn’t wearing one).
MOE: How do you do, lady?
CURLY: We’re selling cards for all occasions.
LARRY: Maybe you’d like to buy one for your sweetheart.
MOE: Or your husband.
WIFE: â€Husbandâ€?! (pulls out a handkerchief and begins crying)
MOE: What’s wrong, lady? (holds the wife by the arm and walks inside the apartment with her) Come in and sit down.
LARRY: What happened???
CURLY: I didn’t do nothin’!
LARRY: (pushing Curly) Get in there!
The Stooges and the wife all walk inside the apartment, and Moe and Larry remove their hats.
MOE: (pointing to the couch) Sit right down over there.
The wife sits down on the couch, Moe and Larry sit down on opposite sides of her, and Curly stands next to the couch.
MOE: There we are. Now, what’s the weeps all about?
WIFE: I’m afraid my husband doesn’t love me anymore!
LARRY: Is that all?! I thought it was serious. That’s easily fixed.
MOE: Why, certainly. All you have to do is to get somebody to make love to ya - and make your husband jealous.
WIFE: Do you think it would work?
MOE: “Think�! Why, certainly! He’ll be so jealous, he’ll take ya right in his arms and kiss ya!
CURLY: Hmm! A pleasure! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Moe angrily gets up from the couch and walks up to Curly as Curly fearfully backs away.
MOE: Now listen! I want you to watch your P’s and Q’s, ya hear?
The sound of tires screeching is heard outside the window. The wife walks up to the window and sees that her husband, the same man who the Stooges got into a fight with in the street earlier, is getting out of his car.
WIFE: It’s my husband! Will you gentlemen help me? I’ll see that you’re rewarded handsomely.
LARRY: Will we?!
CURLY: Make way for the original Romeo! (runs his hand over his head and walks up to the lady) Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
MOE: (pushing Curly back) Spread out!
Outside, the husband slams his car door and accidentally gets his suit caught in it. Frustrated, he tries to pull it out but ends up ripping the suit instead.
HUSBAND: (crying) Everything happens to meeeee!!
Back inside the apartment, the wife is still looking at her husband outside the window, then she goes over to the Stooges.
WIFE: Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen! Which one of you will be my sweetheart?!
ALL STOOGES: I will!
MOE: (pulling Larry and Curly towards him) C’mere, you! I’m the president of this corporation! We’ll work it out scientifically! (points to each Stooge in rapid succession)
Adirondack, one zell, two zell, three zell, zam!
The bucktail thenaget tickle and tam!
Eh, scram, the butcher man!
See, saw, buck, out!
(ends up pointing to Curly) Lucky! (pushes Curly)
CURLY: Hmm!
Curly falls back onto the couch, next to the wife. The wife then sits on Curly’s lap and she and Curly kiss each other on the lips.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
WIFE: (passing out) Uhhh...
CURLY: Hey, fellas! She’s fainted!
MOE: (to Larry) Get a drink!
CURLY: Quick!
Larry pours water in a glass, then drinks the whole glass of water down himself.
MOE: Hey, you! Get her a drink, you nitwit! Hurry up!
Larry looks in a cabinet for more water and finds a seltzer bottle.
MOE: Hurry up!!
Larry runs up to the unconscious wife and puts the opening of the seltzer bottle in her mouth. He then turns the seltzer on, but it ends up spraying out of both the wife’s ears and into Curly and Moe’s faces, who are sitting on opposite sides of her.
CURLY AND MOE: UGH!!!
MOE: Shut that seltzer off, you nitwit!
Larry finally turns the seltzer off. Moe and Curly angrily walk up to him.
CURLY: Drop it!!
Larry drops the seltzer bottle and it falls right on Curly’s foot.
CURLY: (hopping in pain) OOH! OOH HOO HOO! OOH!
The husband walks up to the outside of the apartment and begins unlocking the door.
MOE: Hey! (whispering) Shh! Here comes somebody! Quick, get busy!
Larry takes off his suit coat and then sits on the couch. Curly and Moe lift up the unconscious wife, then sit her on top of Larry’s lap. The husband walks inside the apartment and jumps in shock when he sees Moe and Curly romancing his wife. Larry has his arms behind the wife and makes it look like the wife is conscious and moving her arms.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
MOE: Oh, darling! Leave your husband and fly away with us.
CURLY: You know you love us, not that pickle-puss husband of yours! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The angry husband walks up to Curly and Moe.
HUSBAND: What’s goin’ on here?!
CURLY: Scram, buddy! You’re interferin’ with romance!
MOE: Go a...
Curly and Moe do a double take when they realize that the husband is the same man they had a fight with in the street.
CURLY AND MOE: NYAAA-AAA-AAAAH!
The husband then also recognizes Moe and Curly.
HUSBAND: (pulling out his gun) Why, you!
CURLY AND MOE: Nyaaa-aaaa-aaah!
Right before the husband fires his gun, Curly runs over to him and headbutts him again, knocking him down.
HUSBAND: UHH!!
As he falls, he accidentally fires his gun, causing a bullet to shoot through the chain holding the chandelier above his head. The chandelier falls and smashes on his head, knocking him out. The Stooges walk over to him.
CURLY: Ruff, ruff! (waves his arm at the husband)
Curly walks up to the door and holds it open as Moe and Larry walk through it. Then as Curly turns his back on the husband, the husband comes back to, picks up his gun, and shoots Curly in the behind.
CURLY: OH!!
ALL STOOGES: (running out of the apartment) Nyuuu-uuu- uuuh!
After the Stooges run out of the apartment, the husband gets up from the floor, picks up his gun and tries to fire it again, but it’s out of bullets. He throws the gun down and chases after the Stooges. We see the husband chasing the Stooges in and out various doors leading to the outside of the building. This goes on and on until the Stooges accidentally bump into the husband, knocking him down.
HUSBAND: OH!
MOE: Pardon me, mister.
The Stooges help the husband up, not knowing who he is.
MOE: There was a man chasing us... Nyaah, you’re the man! (eyepokes the husband)
HUSBAND: OHHH!!!!
As the husband rubs his eyes in pain, the Stooges dash away. When the husband is done, he doesn’t know the direction where the Stooges ran away, so he runs in the opposite direction of where they went. We see the Stooges running up to a long line of people in front of a flight of stairs leading to a building, then stopping. The Stooges sit on the steps as they try to catch their breath.
MOE: We’ll hide in this bread line.
The Stooges squeeze into the middle of the long line.
LARRY: They’ll never find us...here.
CURLY: That’s good. I’ve been runnin’ so much, I worked up...an appetite.
The camera pans over to the left and we see a sign outside the building that the long line is leading to that says:
"RECRUTIING HEADQUARTERS
JOIN THE ARMY AND SEE THE WORLD
OR WHAT’S LEFT OF IT"
The camera then dissolves to a sign that says “QUARTERMASTERâ€. The camera pans down to show the door below the sign, and the Stooges walk out, dressed up as soldiers, carrying rifles.
CURLY: Boy, this reminds me of Card #24:
“You’re in the army now
You’ll always have your chow
You’ll never get rich...â€
MOE: I know, I know, but we don’t need any money in the army!
CURLY: (waving his arm at Moe) Hmm!
The Stooges begin to walk away and notice a nearby bench.
MOE: Oh boy, a bench!
CURLY: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
The Stooges sit down on the bench.
LARRY: What a life.
CURLY: Nothin’ to do but live off the fat of the land!
MOE: And eat and sleep.
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: That’s what you think!
MOE: (to Curly) That’s what I said! What about it?!
CURLY: I didn’t say anything!
OFF-SCREEN VOICE: But I did!
The Stooges look over off-screen where the voice is coming from.
ALL STOOGES: NYAAA-AAA-AAAH!
The camera pans over to where the off-screen voice came from, and it turns out it’s the sergeant, Hugh Dare, who also happens to be the husband/man in the street from earlier in the film.
SGT. DARE: Well, well, well... So we meet again!
The Stooges smile nervously.
SGT. DARE: ATTENTION!
The Stooges quickly get up from the bench and stand in front of Sgt. Dare.
SGT. DARE: RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS!
Larry and Curly lift their rifles over their right shoulders, but Moe puts it over his left shoulder.
SGT. DARE: ABOUT FACE!
The Stooges turn backwards and Larry and Curly’s rifles knock Sgt. Dare on back of the head, pushing him behind the Stooges.
SGT. DARE: (holding his neck in pain) Ohh!
The Stooges turn back the other way and Larry and Curly’s rifles then knock the Sgt. Back to the other side.
SGT. DARE: ATTENTION! PRESENT ARMS!
The Stooges hold their rifles in front of them.
SGT. DARE: You dumbbells!
Sgt. Dare kicks Larry in the behind, causing Larry to accidentally fire his rifle in the air. A few seconds later, a dead duck comes falling down from the sky and plops in front of Larry. He picks it up.
CURLY: Oh!
Sgt. Dare kicks Curly in the behind, causing him to accidentally fire his rifle in the air. Curly holds his hand out in anticipation of his falling dead duck, but no duck comes down. Curly snaps his fingers in disappointment. Sgt. Dare then kicks Moe in the behind, causing him to fire his rifle in the air, and a dead duck comes down in front of him. He picks it up.
MOE: Oh, a duck!
LARRY: Look at mine!
CURLY: But I missed!
Finally, Curly’s dead duck falls down in front of him.
CURLY: Oh! (picks up the duck) A duck for my tapeworm!
ALL STOOGES: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
SGT. DARE: Drop those ducks and fall in that line!
The Stooges drop their rifles on the ground and keep their ducks, then begin to run up to the line of soldiers.
SGT. DARE: HEY!
The Stooges run back over and substitute their ducks for their rifles.
CURLY: (to the ducks) Don’t go away! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The Stooges run over to the line of soldiers and stand in place. Sgt. Dare then follows them.
SGT. DARE: Now get this – I’m gonna make soldiers outta you guys if I hafta kill ya! -- And I hope I do! (to the other soldiers) And that goes for you, too! ATTENTION! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT FACE! BY TWOS, FORWARD MARCH!
The rest of the soldiers and Sgt. Dare begin marching one way, but the Stooges go the wrong way. Larry and Moe march next to each other and Curly marches behind them, doing his shuffle dance occasionally. After a while of this, Curly looks behind him and notices the rest of the soldiers are going the other way.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk... (does a double take) Hey, don’t look now, but I think we’re goin’ the wrong way!
The Stooges quickly rush up behind the rest of the soldiers and Sgt. Dare, and march behind them like nothing happened.
SGT. DARE: TO THE REAR! MARCH!
The soldiers turn the other way around and continue marching, with the Stooges now leading the way. After a while, the Stooges begin skipping and the rest of the soldiers follow by skipping along with them. Sgt. Dare does a double take when he notices his whole army skipping.
SGT. DARE: COMPANY, HALT!
The soldiers stop marching, and Sgt. Dare runs over to the Stooges.
SGT. DARE: What do you guys think you’re doin’ - playin’ “Hippety-Hop at the Barbershop�!
Curly begins using his sleeve to wipe the stripes on Sgt. Dare’s uniform, but the Sgt. stops him.
SGT. DARE: Now snap into and march like soldiers, (to the rest of soldiers) and that goes for you, too! ABOUT FACE!
CURLY: (to Moe) I won’t do it; he don’t pay my salary! It’s a guy with a beard!
Sgt. Dare walks over to Curly.
CURLY: I wo... (turns towards Sgt. Dare) NYUUUH!
SGT. DARE: About face!
The Stooges turn the other way, leaving them facing towards the other soldiers.
SGT. DARE: FORWARD MARCH!
The soldiers and the Stooges both march forward and bump into each other, causing them to fall down.
SGT. DARE: COMPANY, ATTENTION! Fall in on that line! FALL IN!
The soldiers all get back in place. Sgt. Dare walks back over to the Stooges.
SGT. DARE: Now, listen -- One more break outta you guys, and I’m gonna hang ya -- all three of ya! Now, I’m gonna teach ya how to be soldiers whether ya like it or not! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! LEFT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! PORT ARMS! INSPECTION ARMS! PORT ARMS! INSPECTION ARMS! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS! ARMS!
The Stooges try to follow Sgt. Dare’s rapid orders, but Curly gets confused and ends up doing a goofy dance with his rifle.
SGT. DARE: ARMS! LEFT SHOULDER ARMS! (snatching Curly’s rifle away) What do you think you’re doin?! I’m gonna show you how to do the manual of arms. PORT ARMS! (holds the rifle in front of him) PRESENT ARMS! (throws the rifle back to Curly) Now do it just like I did it. PORT ARMS!
The Stooges hold their rifles up in front of them.
SGT. DARE: PRESENT ARMS!
The Stooges throw their rifles at the Sgt., knocking him down to the ground.
ALL STOOGES: NYAA-AAA-AAAH! (run away from Sgt. Dare and hide behind large target bags)
Sgt. Dare gets up from the ground.
SGT. DARE: Where are they?! Where’d they go?!
Sgt. Dare looks over and notices the Stooges each climbing inside a target bag.
SGT. DARE: (to the other soldiers) COMPANY, ATTENTION! RIGHT SHOULDER ARMS! RIGHT FACE! DOUBLE TIME, FORWARD MARCH!
Sgt. Dare and the soldiers march over towards the target bags, as the Stooges, inside the bags, look on in fear.
ALL STOOGES: Nyaaah!
The Stooges duck into their bags when the Sgt. Dare and the soldiers arrive.
SGT. DARE: COMPANY, HALT! Now, we’re gonna have a little bayonet practice, men!
Sgt. Dare pats the target bags to let the Stooges know their fate.
CURLY: NYUUH!
SGT. DARE: (putting a bayonet on his rifle) Now you always wanna get them right between the eyes! High. (points to the nose of Larry’s target bag) Just about here! (squeezes Larry’s nose through the bag)
LARRY: OH! Ohhh!
SGT. DARE: See, men? Right about there! (punches Larry in the face through the bag) Ha! Now, then -- Plant your feet firmly, hold the gun steady, and lunge hard! (sticks his bayonet into Larry’s target bag) Right between the eyes! (the bayonet dangles around a nervous Larry’s face) But sometimes the enemy doesn’t give you a chance to use your bayonet. (walks over to the target bag that Moe is inside) So then you...club ‘em! (clubs Moe through the bag) If they haven’t surrendered by then, ya kick ‘em! (kicks Moe through the bag) And then ya slug ‘em! (punches Moe through the bag) But the thing to remember is -- the bayonet’s your real weapon! (walks up to the target bag that Curly is inside) On this bag, I’ll show ya how to really do away with the enemy. Ya lunge high! (sticks his bayonet into Curly’s target bag) Right between the eyes! (the bayonet dangles around Curly’s tie)
CURLY: Nyaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaah! (grabs his tie as Sgt. Dare pulls the bayonet back out of the bag)
SGT. DARE: Ya lunge high again, (sticks his bayonet back into Curly’s target bag) right in the nose! (the bayonet dangles around Curly’s nose for a few seconds, then Sgt. Dare pulls the bayonet back out)
CURLY: Nyuuuuuuh! (slaps face and chatters teeth)
SGT. DARE: But the main thing to remember is -- you get them, don’t let them get you!
Curly peeks out of the hole in his bag, then begins rocking his bag back and forth.
SGT. DARE: Now then, you grab the gun firmly, both wrists rigid, your left forearm parallel to the ground. Then you pivot with your right foot, and you throw everything you have into it!
Sgt. Dare dives for Curly’s bag, but misses due to Curly’s rocking it back and forth, and he goes crashing into the ground. The soldiers laugh out loud at Sgt. Dare. He gets up from the ground.
SGT. DARE: SILENCE!!
Sgt. Dare notices a nearby gardener washing bushes with a hose.
SGT. DARE: (snatching the hose away) Gimme that hose!
Sgt. Dare sprays the hose inside of Curly’s target bag, drenching Curly.
SGT. DARE: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Moe sticks his head out of his target bag and spits water in Sgt. Dare’s face, then quickly sticks his head back inside the bag.
SGT. DARE: Why, you!
Sgt. Dare begins spraying the hose inside of Moe’s bag. Curly peers out of his bag and dumps his water-filled hat all over Sgt. Dare. Sgt. Dare then takes the hose and begins spraying it inside of all three of the bags.
SGT. DARE: Ha, ha, ha!
The Stooges pull out umbrellas and cover the openings of their bags with them. Dumbfounded, Sgt. Dare holds the hose towards his face and accidentally sprays himself. Sgt. Dare then sits down on the floor and begins crying.
SGT. DARE: Everything happens to me!
The scene ends, and the next scene opens with a battle going on. We hear cannons being shot and soldiers running all over the place. However, the Stooges are happily sleeping right in the middle of the battlefield, and snoring loudly. Curly turns over in his sleep and we see an ad on the back of his uniform that reads:
"WHEN YOU GET BACK
EAT AT
O’BRIEN’S KOSHER RESTAURANT
SOUP, SALAD, ENTREE
COFFEE DESERT
''ALL THIS AND HERRING TOO''.
40 cents"
The general walks up to the Stooges.
GENERAL: (kicking the Stooges) C’mon! Get up! Get up!
The Stooges begin to awake.
GENERAL: ATTENTION!
The Stooges get up from the ground and stand in a line. Larry and Moe both salute normally, but Curly does a mock Mussolini salute. Moe angrily elbows him, and Curly stops and salutes normally.
GENERAL: Our patrol detachment under Sgt. Dare has failed to return. They must be captured!
CURLY: Oh, goody, goody!
GENERAL: What?!
Curly twitches in shock, then salutes.
GENERAL: We are going to make a surprise attack and rescue the sergeant.
CURLY: Aw, let the enemy keep ‘im!
GENERAL: QUIET!!
A soldier brings over a shell marked “LAUGHING GASâ€.
GENERAL: This shell contains a new type of laughing gas which will render the enemy helpless.
The soldier gives the laughing gas shell to Curly.
GENERAL: Fire it as soon as I leave. (to the soldiers with him) C’mon, men! On the double! (leaves)
CURLY: Hmm! Laughing gas. I never hoid of it.
MOE: C’mon, orders is orders! (pulls Curly by his lip and Larry by his hat strap)
CURLY AND LARRY: OOH! OOH! OOH!
Moe drags Larry and Curly over to a cannon, then releases them.
MOE: (to Larry) C’mon, get a fuse in there!
Larry takes out a match.
MOE: (to Curly) Shell ready? (puts a whole bag of gunpowder inside the cannon) Shell in!
Curly puts the laughing gas shell inside of the cannon, then uses a swab to try to push the shell farther in the cannon, but ends up getting the end of the swab lodged inside the cannon. Meanwhile, Larry lights the cannon fuse with the match.
MOE: Heave! Heave!
CURLY: (trying to pull the swab out) Hmm! (trying even harder to pull the swab out) HMMMM!
MOE: C’mon, muscle-bound!
CURLY: Help me!
Moe grabs the end of the swab.
MOE: Heave!
Moe and Curly both pull at the same time, but the end of the swab breaks off, sending Curly and Moe falling backwards.
CURLY: WHOA!
Moe falls into a puddle of mud.
CURLY: Hmm! (looks back and notices Moe in the mud puddle) Nyuuu-uuuh! Hmm! What’s the idea of goin’ swimmin’?! We got work to do!
MOE: Get me outta hea!
Curly helps Moe out of the puddle.
CURLY: C’mon!
MOE: Ohhh...
CURLY: That’s a fine time!
MOE: You pumpkin-brain! (punches Curly in the stomach)
CURLY: (turns backwards and holds his stomach in pain) Ohh! Ohh! Ohhhhh!
Moe kicks Curly in the behind, sending him forward towards the cannon and causing him to get his head stuck inside the cannon opening.
CURLY: HMM! Get me out! I’m suffocated! I’m asphyxiated! I’m humiliated!
MOE: Hey, wait a minute!
Moe runs over to Curly. Larry, who’s kneeling behind the lit cannon fuse with his fingers plugged in his ears, notices Curly’s dilemma and runs over to him.
CURLY: Get me out! Ooh!
MOE: Look where he is!
CURLY: GET ME OUT!!
Moe and Larry grab Curly by the legs and try pulling Curly’s head out of the cannon.
MOE: (pulling) Hep!
CURLY: Ooh!
MOE: (pulling) Hep!
CURLY: Ooh!
MOE: (pulling) Hep!
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! GET ME OUT!
Moe and Larry turn backwards, then grab Curly by the feet.
MOE: Ready? GO!
Moe and Larry pull and Curly’s head finally pops back out of the cannon, causing all the Stooges to fall on the ground. The cannon then points over right above Curly’s head.
CURLY: OH! Oh! Hmm! (looks up and notices the cannon pointed towards his face) NYUUU-UUU-UUU-UUUUU-UUU-UUU- UUUH!!!
The Stooges get up from the ground and lift the rifle so it points toward the sky.
ALL STOOGES: Whew!
MOE: (to Curly) You lunkhead, I oughta...
The cannon suddenly shoots the laughing gas shell in the air. As the Stooges cover their ears in anticipation of it going off, the shell comes back down and explodes right in front of the Stooges. A huge cloud of dust covers the screen. After it clears away, we see the Stooges, with their uniforms now tattered, lying in a big hole in the ground caused by the explosion and laughing uncontrollably due to the laughing gas. Moe and Curly stand up from the hole, but Larry falls back in when he tries to get out. Moe and Curly laugh even harder when they see this. Suddenly, enemy soldiers appear and begins taking the hysterical Stooges away.
CURLY: I think we’re captured!
MOE: They’ll probably shoot us!
The Stooges continue laughing and skipping their feet as the enemy soldiers take them away. The scene ends, and the next scene opens inside the enemy headquarters. The enemy general is sitting behind a desk, and the captured Sgt. Dare is standing in front of him. The laughing Stooges then walk in the office with the enemy soldiers following them.
ENEMY GENERAL: (to the soldiers) Irst-fay, ou-yay am- scray!
The Stooges laugh even harder at the general as the soldiers leave.
ENEMY GENERAL: (standing up from his chair) QUIET!
The enemy general triple-slaps the Stooges. While still laughing, the Stooges punch him in the stomach, knock off his pointy hat, then nose-honk him.
ENEMY GENERAL: OOH! (taking out his sword) Why, you! I’ll get... (lunges at the Stooges with the sword)
Moe and Larry jump out of the way, but Curly quickly pulls Sgt. Dare over to him so he faces him. The general ends up stabbing Sgt. Dare in the behind.
SGT. DARE: OHHHH!
Sgt. Dare grabs Curly and tries to punch him, but Curly ducks and Sgt. Dare punches the enemy general instead.
ENEMY GENERAL: (falling back) Oh! (accidentally sits on top of the pointy hat) OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!! (stands up from the floor with the hat stuck in his behind) AAH! AAH!! (runs up to the window and jumps out of it)
Suddenly, a whole bunch of enemy soldiers enter the room. Curly picks up a large table and launches it right over to the soldiers, causing the table to get stuck on their bayonets. Curly runs over to them and rips one of the table legs off. Then he walks behind one of the soldiers to knock him out, and Sgt. Dare walks behind Curly to tell him something. Before Sgt. Dare can say anything, Curly swings the table leg backwards and accidentally knocks Sgt. Dare out with the table leg, then knocks out the first soldier with it. Curly then knocks out a few more soldiers, but when he gets to the last soldier, the soldier doesn’t gets knocked out right after the hit. The Stooges stop laughing momentarily. Curly blows in the soldier’s face, and that finally knocks him out. The Stooges resume their laughter. Suddenly, several bombs are shot into the room and fly past the Stooges and out the window as the Stooges unintentionally duck and dodge them.
MOE: Our own army is bombarding us!
LARRY: We’ll get killed!
One last bomb gets shot into the room but this one gets caught in between the Stooges legs, causing the bomb to carry the hysterical Stooges as it shoots out the window and into the sky.
THE END
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