Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: Victim of Circumstance
Date Added: 2003-05-23
Men in Black
Moe, Larry, Curly
1934
Players: Dr. Graves - Dell Henderson
Hiccuping Nurse - Jeanie Roberts (Shown as
"Nurse")
Doctor - Bud Jamison
Messenger Boy - Bobby Callahan (Shown as
"M.Boy")
Coma Pateint - Little Billy(Shown as
"C.Patient")
D.T. Patient - Billy Gilbert
Whispering Nurse - Ruth Hiatt (Shown as
"W.Nurse")
Anna Conda - Phyllis Crane(Shown as "A.Conda")
Scene 1 (Dr. Graves Office)
Dr. Graves: My dear doctors, it is indeed a pleasure to
welcome you here for the beginning of your
practice. This letter states that in this
group there are three of you who are not overly
bright, but were graduated because you had been
in the senior class too many years. Your
identity I shall keep secret, and will disclose
to know one, on on condition, that you try hard
and forever devote your life to the glorious
cause of duty and humanity.
(Larry, Moe, and Curly appear from behind a
group of doctors.)
All Three: We will!
Larry: Hello Doc, how are ya? Glad to see ya again.
(Moe pulls Larry''s hair.)
Moe: Spread out.
Dr.Graves: Do you heir by solemnly swear to devote the rest
of your life to the cause of duty and humanity?
All Three: For duty and humanity!!
(Moe, Larry, and Curly gather in a huddle.)
Dr.Graves: And remember. When you hear your call over the
Loud Speaker, rush immediately to answer, as
seconds mean life!
All Three: Yes sir.
L.Speaker: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Curly: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
(Moe, Larry, and Curly rush out of the office,
slamming the door behind them breaking the
glass.)
Scene 2 (Hospital Corridor)
(Moe, Larry, and Curly go into the store room,
and drive a three-seated bike out and down the
hallway.)
L.Speaker: Dr. Howard report to room 66, Dr. Fine room 72,
Dr. Howard room 83. Room 66, 72, 83.
L.Speaker: 66, 72, 83.
Moe: On track 13, all aboard for Philadelphia,
Chicago, and points west.
L.Speaker: Emergency call, emergency call, 66, 72, 83.
Curly: Calling all cars.
Larry: Calling all cars.
Moe: Calling all cars.
Moe: Calling all cars.
Larry: Calling all cars.
Moe: Put your hand down!
(Larry directing traffic down the hallway.)
Larry: Come on, get goin! Come on there! Calling all cars.
(Larry walks over to the lady in the
wheelchair.)
Larry: Oh a wise guy eh, I gotta good mind to hand you
a ticket. Where''s your drivers licence?
(Moe slaps Larry in the head.)
Moe: Spread out! Pull over to the curve you, I wanna
talk to you.
Open your mouth. What''s your name?
Lady: Anna Conda.
Moe: Anna Conda what?
A.Conda: No, no, just Anna Conda.
Moe: Anna Conda.
Larry: Anna Conda.
Moe: Anna Conda 95 and a 8.
Larry: Anna Conda 95 and a 8.
A.Conda: That''s awfully low doctor.
Moe: Yeah, we otta sell. Sell a hundred Anna Conda at
95 and a 8.
Larry: A hundred Anna Conda sold! Come on get goin.
Moe: All right get goin.
Larry: Break it up!
Moe: Come on, come on, come on.
(Curly rolls over on a stretcher covered in a
bed sheet.)
Curly: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-
woo-woo, woo-woo-woop-woop-woop-woop.
Moe: Ohhh, cutie pie?
Curly: Yeah.
(Moe slaps Curly.)
Moe: Get off of that carriage.
Curly: NO!
(Larry slaps Curly, then pushes him around.)
Larry: Get off of that carriage. Come o get outta here,
get outta there!
Moe: Take this carriage out.
Larry: I''ll take it when I''m ready.
Moe: Are ya ready?
Larry: Yeah, I''m ready.
Scene 3 (Hospital Corridor)
(Scene opens with the repair man just finishing
up on the broken glass)
Nurse: (Laughing) Oh, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor
away? (Laughs)
Moe: Yes, that''s true.
Nurse: Well then, why don''t the patients eat an apple a
day and save hospital expenses? (Laughs)
Curly: Pardon me if I laugh, Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! That''s a pippin.
Nurse: Oh, I know what a pippin is.
Larry: Ya do eh? What''s a pippin?
Nurse: A pippin is an apple with a skin on the outside.
(Laughs)
Moe: Did you ever see an apple with a skin on the
inside?
Nurse: Oh sure I did.
Larry: You did?...Where?
Nurse: In home made apple pie. (Laughs)
(Moe, Larry and Curly faint.)
L.Speaker: Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Curly: Woo-woo-woop-woop-woop.
L.Speaker: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr.
Howard report to room 66, Dr. Fine 72, Dr.
Howard 83. Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard,
report to Dr. Graves office.
Scene 4 (Dr. Graves Office)
Larry: Hello captain, you sent for us?
Dr.Graves: Yes. How''d you find that patient in 66?
Moe: Under the bed.
Dr.Graves: How''d you find the patient in 72?
Larry: Up on the chandelier.
Dr.Graves: What''d you do for him?
Curly: Nuthin, what''d he ever do for us?
Dr.Graves: WHAT ARE YOU WORKING HERE FOR?
All Three: For duty and humanity!
(Moe, Larry, and Curly get in a huddle.)
L.Speaker: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Curly: Woo-woo-woo-woop-woop.
(Moe, Larry, and Curly rush out of the office
again slamming the door and breaking the glass.)
Scene 5 (Corridor)
(The boys ride a horse down the corridor.)
Moe: Giddy up Julius.
Larry: Giddy up
Curly Giddy up Julius.
L.Speaker: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Moe: What is it?
L.Speaker: There is a messenger boy down in the lobby to
see you.
Larry: Send him up!
M.Boy: Here I am.
Curly: What service... Give us the message.
M.Boy: Can''t, seventy-five cents, collect.
Moe: Who''s it from?
M.Boy: It''s from a dame by the name of Nelly.
All Three: My girl!
Curly: What does she say?
M.Boy: She says she loves all three, but she''ll marry
the one that does the greatest thing for duty
and humanity.
All Three: Thanks.
M.Boy: Hey, how''s about my money?
Moe: I''ll tell ya, we''ll toss for it, pay ya double
or nuthin.
Larry: Yeah, he''ll call it cause he''s tongue tied.
(Pointing to Curly.)
M.Boy: That''ll make it easy.
Larry: Uh........have you got a coin?
M.Boy: Sure.
Larry: That''ll really make it easy! What is it, head or
tail?
Curly: Gnug!
M.Boy: What?
Curly: Gnug!
Larry: Is that it?
Curly: Soitenly!
(Larry talking to the messenger boy.)
Larry Oh, then you lose. We`ll split this three ways
fellas.
Moe You tellin me?
Curly: Just a victim of circumstance.
Scene 6 (Coma Patient''s Room)
(All three looking at the patient)
Moe: How is she doctor?
Doctor: Slight hope.
Curly: That''s to bad. What''s the matter?
Doctor: She''s in a coma.
(Patient sits up.)
Pateint: I am not, I''m in a bed! (Looks at the boys.)
Gee, the joint is haunted.
Larry: How old are you?
Patient: I''m thirty-five.
Curly: Nah, you couldn''t get that fresh in thirty-five
years.
Larry: Lay down. (Pushing her back.)
Moe: Gimme that......that thing there. She can''t live
till morning.
Larry: Ba-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba-boo.
(Moe slaps Larry.)
Doctor: Just a minute, just a minute, what do you
gentlemen know about
medicine?
Larry: Why we graduated with the highest temperatures
in our class.
Doctor: Huh!. Some class.
Curly: You said it kid, some class.
(Moe hits Curly in the stomach, and then bonks
him in the head.)
Moe: What are you tryin to do?
Doctor: Why, you don''t even know how to deliver a proper
anaesthetic.
Moe: Boys, give the doctor a little anesteisia. Ha ha
ha. (Larry and Curly hit the doctor with their
mallets.)
C.Patient: A winner every time, no blanks! Say doctor, do
ya really think
I''m gonna get better?
Moe: I''m very sorry, but I''m afraid you are.
Patient: Aw thanks doctor, you don''t know how I really
appreciate it!
Larry: DOCTOR! Where mighty proud of you, you''ve done a
wonderful thing for humanity, and when we leave
here, we''re goin'' right down to the president''s
office and.........
Curly: We won''t say a word about it!
(Larry bonks Moe in the head with the mallet,
and then Moe slaps Curly in the face and eye
pokes him.)
Moe: What are ya buttin in for?
L.Speaker: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard. Report
to Dr. Graves office. (Curly is looking at a
nurse, when Moe slaps him, then grabs Larry by
the hair.)
Moe: Remember your oath for duty and humanity. Get
goin!
Scene 7 (Dr. Graves Office)
Larry: Right away sir, did you call us?
(Dr.Graves talking on the phone.)
Dr.Graves: Yes, and just another thing... uh.. uh.. hello..
hello.. hello.. HELLO!!
Larry: Hello!!
Dr.Graves: Don''t let that body go out of 84 until the bill
is paid.
Larry: I ain`t got nobody!
Dr.Graves: Yes, it''s in 84.
(Curly on another phone.)
Curly: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes......lines busy.
Hey there''s nobody on your line.
Moe: I know, but I''m expecting a call.
Dr.Graves: Just a minute, go to room 81, there''s a
dangerous patient there, and hurry.......hurry!
Moe: Don''t get nervous.
Curly: The patient ain`t goin no place.
Dr.Graves: HURRY!!
(Moe, Larry, and Curly once again rush out of
the office slamming the door and breaking the
glass. Theboys go into the store room and drive
out in go-carts.)
Scene 8 (D.T. Patient''s Room)
Dt.Patient: That is the momentous question. I once asked
Hamlet, and he made this suggestion; he said go
for a walk, and I met a dog!! Grrrrrrrrrrr-argh,
grrrrrrr-argh,argh.Kweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr,
kwee, kwee, Pssss. Water........WATER!!! (Curly
splashes water on him.) Water.
Larry: Fellas, lets get him some medicine.
Moe: Oh yes. (They start mixing liquids.) Adapontash,
citascram.
Curly: Citascram.
Moe: Forsia.
Larry: Forsia
Moe: Anna-conna-hon.
Curly: Anna-conna-hon.
Moe: Enot.
Larry: Enot.
Curly: Enot.
Larry: That`s it (They pour themselves a glass.) For
duty and humanity!
Dt.patient: RATS!! Ya know, once I was crazy. Ya see that
button hole? Rats yousta come outta that, and as
fast as they`d come out, I`d grab
um throw`em down, and another one would come
out.
Moe: Hey hey, you ain`t, you ain`t well yet.
Dt.pateint: Why?
Moe: Theres another one comin out now.
Dt.pateint: You take it, i`ve got enough of em.
Moe: I`ll be see`in ya.
(Moe walk to the window.)
Dt.pateint: LOOK!! Great big, giant, green canaries.
Moe: Green canaries......huh.
(A green canary lands on Moe`s shoulder, all
three of the others see it.)
Curly: Woop-woop-woo-woo-woo!
Dt.Patient: Ohhhhhhhh-ahhhhhhhhh.
(Moe looks on his shoulder and can see the
canary.)
Moe: Ahhhhh-ahhh-ahh-ah-ahhh-oh....move over you
got company!
Scene 9 (Corridor)
Nurse: Dr. Howard, hiccup, Dr. Fine, hiccup, Dr.
Howard, hiccup!!
Larry: Her shoes are too tight.
Curly: Her colds breakin up.
Nurse: Hiccup!!
Larry: Wait a minute, pitch that an octive higher.
Nurse: HICCUP!
Larry: Ohh-leee-oh-lay!
Nurse: HICCUP!
Larry/Curly:Ohhh-laay!.
Nurse: HICCUP!.
L/M/C: Ohhhh-lay.
Nurse: HICCUP!.
L/M/C: Ohhh-ohhh-leee-oh-lay.
Nurse: HICCUP!.
L/M/C: Ohhh-lay.
Nurse: HICCUP!.
L/M/C: Ohh-a-lady-oh.
Nurse: HICCUP, HICCUP!!
L.Speaker: Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
L/M/C: Hiccup, hiccup.
Nurse: Hiccup, hiccup.
Scene 10 (Dr. Graves Office)
Dr.Graves: Terrible disaster at the oil wells, twenty men
injured. Radium is the only thing that will save
their lives.
Curly: Give us the radium and we`ll get goin.
Dr.Graves: Its locked up in the safe, I cant get it!
Moe: Why not?
Dr.Graves: During the excitement I swallowed the
combonation to the safe,
put a burning cigar in my pocket.
Moe: You got nuthin to worry about.
Dr.Graves: But you don''t understand, the combination is in
here. (Pointing to his stomach)
Moe: You still got nuthin to worry about, we''ll get
it!
Dr.Graves: How?
Moe: We''ll operate!!
Dr.Graves: Me?
Moe: Yeah.
Dr.Graves: You?
Moe: YEAH!
Dr.Graves: NO! ........ NO!
Moe: Boys, give hi the anaesthetic, and see me in the
operating room later, ha ha ha. GIVE!
(Larry and Curly hit Dr. Graves with their
mallets.)
Dr.Graves: Uhhhhhh.........
Scene 11 (Operating Room)
W.Nurse: Everything''s ready.
Moe: We''ll make an incision like this.
Curly: No, we''ll make an insertion like that.
Larry: No, we''ll make an excursion like this.
All Three: Tic-tac-toe!
L.Speaker: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Moe: Shut up.
L.Speaker: SHUT-UP YOURSELF!!!
W.Nurse: Should I give him some more sodium amatol?
Larry: Nah, give`m a Coca-Cola.
Dr.Graves: No, Schnapps. (Curly hits him with his mallet.)
Ohhh.....
W.Nurse: Stop, we might cut him!!!!
Curly: What do ya want me to do, kiss him?
Larry: Wait a minute. Lets plug him, see if he''s ripe!
Ha ha ha ha.
(Moe slaps Larry.)
Moe: Lady, why are we all whispering?
W.Nurse: I don''t know why your whispering, but I lost my
voice asking for a raise!
Moe: Ahhhhhh-ahhhhhhh-ahhhhhh!!!!
Curly: Woo-woo-woo-woop-woop!!!
(Passing out the tools.)
Moe: Tenen.
Larry: Tenen.
Curly: Tenen.
Moe: Anago.
Larry: Anago.
Curly: Anago.
Moe: Tenna-tuner.
Larry: Tenna-tuner.
Curly: Tenna-tuner.
Moe: Anna-conna-puner.
Larry: Anna-conna-puner.
Curly: Anna-conna-puner.
Moe: ANNA-CONNA-PANAR!!!
Curly: Ohhh....
Larry: Ohhh....
Moe: Shift.
Larry: One.
Curly: Two.
Moe: Three.
Larry: Four.
Moe: Finana.
Larry: Finana.
Moe: Anna-sinic.
Larry: Anna- sinic.
Moe: Cotton.
Larry: Cotton.
Moe: Cotton..............COTTON!! Apid.
Larry: Apid.
Moe: Annic.
Larry: Annic.
Moe: Shift.
Larry: Hike.
Moe: Sceesars.
Larry: Sceesars.
Moe: Cotton.......................COTTON!!
(Curly throws the cotton in Moe''s face.)
Larry: Cotton...................COTTON!!!
(Moe throws the cotton in Larry''s face.)
Moe: There it is. Ha ha.
Larry: He''s got it.
Curly: He''s got it.
Larry: Needles.
Moe: Needles.
Curly: Needles.
W.Nurse Needles.
Moe: Scissors.
Curly: Scissors.
W.Nurse: SCISSORS!!!
Moe: Success.
Curly: Success.
Moe: Where are the tool?
Larry: The tools!!
Curly: Tools?
(Dr. Graves gets up, shakes around a little
realizing that the tools are in his stomach.)
L.Speaker: Dr.Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, are you coming?
Curly: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!!
Scene 12(Corridor)
L.Speaker: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Larry: Get it!!!
(They all start beating the machine with their
mallets.)
L.Speaker: Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard,Calling
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard. Calling Dr.
Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Moe: Ahhhhhhhhhh-hhh
Larry: Ahhhhhhh
L.Speaker: Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard. Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Moe: Where is that noise coming from?
Curly: Where is it?
Larry: Where can it be?
L.Speaker: Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Moe: Look, there it is!!
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
(Moe, Larry and Curly take out their pistols and
shoot it.)
L.Speaker: Ohhhhhh, they got me.
All Three: For duty and humanity!!!!!
The End
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