Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2009-03-10
[The short opens up in Mr. Jones’ drugstore. Mr. Jones is on the phone]
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Hello! When will that shipment of liquor be over? Delayed? After waiting all these years? Tomorrow repeal goes into effect.
J.T.: [on the phone] Yes, yes Mr. Jones. I know all that. I’m very sorry. But that shipment of scotch didn’t arrive.
MR. JONES: [on the phone] And I’m going to be left holding the sack, huh!
[The stooges enter carrying a large door.]
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Listen, I’m not doing any business in any other department. I’m depending on that to pull me out of the red. What? Hello! Hello?
[Moe opens the door and approaches Mr. Jones from behind]
MOE: [to Mr. Jones] Hello
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Hello.
[Larry opens the door and stands next to Moe]
LARRY: [to Mr. Jones] Hello
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Hello!
[Curly opens the door and stands next to Larry]
CURLY: [to Mr. Jones] Hello.
MR. JONES: Say, what is this? [hangs up the phone in anger. He turns around and sees the stooges] Oh, hello.
STOOGES: Hello.
MR. JONES: Have you got everything?
MOE: Everything’s alright. We’ll have it done in a jiffy. [to Larry and Curly] Get busy.
MR. JONES: Ah remember, that door goes on the right.
MOE: Right!
CURLY: Right!
LARRY: Right!
MOE: Left.
[The stooges start carrying the large door up the stairs]
STOOGES: Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right!
[The scene ends and new scene begins in another room where the stooges continue to carry the large door that they plan to install]
MOE: Left, right. Halt!
[The stooges set the door in the middle of the room. The stooges walk away getting ready to get to work. Moe turns to Larry]
MOE: Get the tools.
LARRY: What tools?
[Moe grabs Larry’s hair and holds onto it.]
MOE: The tools we’ve been using for the last ten years.
[Moe lets go of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Oh! Those tools!
[Moe faces Curly]
MOE: Now let me see. The door goes on the right.
[Moe looks at both of his hands to figure out which is his right one.]
MOE: Right! [points towards his right]
CURLY: Wait a minute!
[Curly stops Moe thinking he’s wrong because he’s facing Moe in the opposite direction]
CURLY: The man said the door goes on the right. [points to his right, which is Moe's left.]
[Moe gets an angry look on his face thinking Curly is wrong.]
MOE: [makes a fist] What’s this?
CURLY: A fist.
[Moe bonks Curly in the forehead]
CURLY: Ahhh!
MOE: Right or left?
[Curly looks confused and tries to think for a moment.]
MOE: Oh! Ignorant, eh!
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: Ohh!
MOE: Now listen, grapehead. I’m gonna explain it so even you can understand it.
[Moe grabs Curly and turns him around]
MOE: Now here. Get over here. Now when I say go. We both point to the right. Go!
[They each point to the right, but since they’re facing each other again, they points to their own right side.]
MOE: [to Larry] Hey Porcupine!
[Larry turns around]
MOE: Come here.
[Larry walks up to Moe. He faces Moe and Curly]
MOE: Point to the right for this chump, will ya?
[Larry points to his right. Since he’s facing Moe and Curly, his right is in a completely different direction.]
CURLY: See.
[Moe slaps Moe and Larry]
CURLY: Ahhhh!
MOE: Get busy. Come on! Where’s the map?
[Curly walks into Moe and bumps into him]
MOE: Over there. [points to the direction behind Curly]
[Moe walks up to the table, grabs the blueprints, and looks at it. He turns to Larry]
MOE: Get me a board.
LARRY: Get me a board. [turns to Curly]
CURLY: Get me... [turns around and before he finishes his line, he realizes that no one is behind him]
[Curly walks up to the door, opens it, walks through it and closes it behind him. He gets the board, walks up to the door, walks through it again, and closes it behind him]
[As Curly walks up to the table to bring back the board, we find Moe standing on top of the table.]
MOE: What’s keeping ya? [wondering where Curly is]
MOE: Make it six inches.
LARRY: Make it six inches. [turns to Curly]
CURLY: Make it six inches.
[Curly turns around with his back towards Larry. On Curly’s back, there is a ruler hanging]
[Larry grabs the ruler. He measures the table and hits Curly in the stomach with his elbow by accident]
LARRY: Get me the saw.
CURLY: The saw.
[Curly grabs the electric saw. He starts sawing the wood in half. However, the wood is placed on the table. So, without realizing it, he’s also cutting the table in half as well.]
[Curly finally finishes his sawing]
[Curly removes the saw and as he places the saw to the side, Larry pats on Curly’s back]
MOE: Give it to me.
[Moe, still on top of the table, turns around, and takes one step. Due to Curly’s careless sawing, the table splits in half causing Moe to fall to the floor.]
[Moe, looking badly hurt, struggles to get up. He finally gets up and takes a few steps]
CURLY: What happened?
[Moe turns to Curly in anger]
MOE: Nothing.
[Moe slaps both Curly and Larry together. He grabs a long piece of wood to hit them with. He then runs after them.]
[Moe and Larry run away and walk through the door they carried in before]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.
[Moe bumps into the side of the door as he runs after them. He becomes frustrated and he throws the large piece of wood away]
MOE: Shut that door!
[Curly looks angry. He slams the door shut and it falls over on Moe and he gets trapped under.]
MOE: Whoaaa!!! Help! Murder!
[Curly and Larry run around the fallen door to look for Moe]
CURLY: Where is he?
LARRY: He’s in there. [points to the door]
[Cut to a close-up of Moe trapped under the door]
MOE: Get me outta here.
[Larry and Curly stand right on top of the door and we hear the wood of the door creak]
MOE: Owwww!!!
[The camera cuts to Moe and Larry again. Curly grabs the door knob and pulls it, but can’t get it open]
MOE: Get that door open.
CURLY: I can’t. It’s locked. I ain’t got a key.
MOE: Get a saw.
[Curly grabs the electric saw and turns it on]
CURLY: Don’t lose your head, Moe. I’ll have you outta this in a jiffy. [He starts sawing the door]
MOE: Hurry up.
[Curly is struggling to saw the door]
[The saw is extremely close to Moe's face. He looks really terrified because the saw could end up sawing him by accident. Curly finishes sawing the entire door all around. Larry pushes the door down.]
MOE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!! [Moe crashes to the lower floor due to Curly’s reckless sawing again. Curly ended up sawing both the door and floor]
[Moe tries to get all the pieces of wood off of him. Moe and Larry look through the hole in the floor]
CURLY: What are you doing down there?
MOE: Come here! [Looking up angry at Larry and Curly]
CURLY: [to Larry] I think he wants ya.
MOE: Both of ya.
[Curly look shocked and frustrated.]
[Cut to downstairs in the drugstore. The phone rings]
MR. JONES: [to Moe] Clean up this mess.
MOE: Ok.
[Curly and Larry approach Moe]
CURLY: Gotcha out, didn’t we?
MOE: Yeah, thanks.
[Moe taps Curly and Larry in the back in a friendly manner and then he bumps their heads together]
LARRY & CURLY: Oh!
[Mr. Jones picks up the phone]
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Hello!
J.T.: [on the phone] Hello, Mr. Jones? Uh, Mr. Jones, I’m very sorry, but I just found out we won’t be able to deliver the bourbon either.
MR. JONES: [on the phone] I’ll be right down. [hangs up the phone]
[Mr. Jones approaches the stooges in an excited manner. He startles them]
MR. JONES: Boys! Something terrible has happened.
STOOGES: [The stooges look up at the hole they made in the ceiling] Yes.
MR. JONES: I have to leave. I won’t be long.
STOOGES: Yes.
MR. JONES: You boys watch the store until I come back.
STOOGES: Yes.
[Mr. Jones can’t decide what direction he should walk. He then gets his jacket that’s hanging on the wall. The stooges follow him. The stooges get their jackets as well and put them on]
MR. JONES: Be sure and watch the store.
STOOGES: Yes.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in J.T.’s office]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Now listen. J.T.---
J.T.: Oh, listen nothing. We have liquor contracts that we can’t fulfill and it’s all due to your neglect.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: But I---
J.T.: Do you know that they’ll sue us and put our firm out of business? And then you’ll be out of a job. Now you get over to the drugstore and pacify Jones. He’s been calling me up every five minutes. And I’ll wait here for an answer to our last cable.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Alright.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the drugstore. The liquor salesman walks up to the counter and calls the stooges]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Hey! Mr. Jones in?
MOE: No, but he ought to be back any minute.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [all upset] Uhh!
CURLY: What’s the matter?
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Oh boy, do I feel low. Hey! Mix me a pickup.
CURLY: [to Moe] He wants a derrick.
[Moe hits Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh!
LARRY: Well uh, we got the raspberry and uh---
LIQUOR SALESMAN: No no! Some of the prescription stuff. [points to the back room]
[The stooges turn around and see the back room]
STOOGES: Ohhh!!
MOE: Sure, we’ll have ya fixed in a second. Come on!
[The stooges run to the back room.]
[Cut to the back room. The stooges are looking at several bottles on the shelf]
CURLY: What’ll we give him?
MOE: Now listen. We’ll all start together and once we get started, it’s every man for himself. Help me out now. Get busy.
[The stooges start grabbing random bottles. Curly gives Moe a bottle]
CURLY: Here ya are!
MOE: What is it?
CURLY: I don’t know but it smells good.
MOE: Ok. [pours a bottle into the glass]
LARRY: [pours some liquid into the glass] Try this.
MOE: [pours another kind of liquid into the glass] No, I think we better try this.
[The stooges start pouring in several types of liquids into the glass]
MOE: Easy now.
CURLY: Oh this is beautiful.
[The liquid in the glass starts bubbling]
MOE: Now uh, w-wait a minute!
[Larry gives Moe some small little “nuggets”]
LARRY: Try these.
MOE: Oh, nuggets. [pours the “nuggets” into the glass]
[The liquid pops and splashes everywhere. The stooges get startled]
MOE: Now, come on now.
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo.
MOE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute now, fellas.
[Curly pours a little water into the glass]
MOE: That’s funny.
[The stooges start moving back in fright]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo.
MOE: Now sneak up on a slow.
CURLY: I’ll be right behind ya. Don’t be afraid.
[The liquid starts bubbling again]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo. We better shake it up.
MOE: Get the shaker.
[Curly gets a large boot and gives it to Moe]
CURLY: Here!
MOE: Ok, Pour it in.
[Curly pours the liquid into the boot]
MOE: Easy now.
CURLY: Do it.
[Moe starts shaking the liquid in the boot]
MOE: [to Larry] Get a strainer.
[As Moe is shaking the liquid in the boot, we hear a rambling sound]
MOE: Hurry up. It’s alive here.
[Larry gives Moe a chair with several holes in the seat]
LARRY: This ought to be a strainer. Here ya are.
[The stooges place the chair on top of the glass]
MOE: Take it easy now, boys.
LARRY: Everything’s alright.
[Moe starts pouring the liquid into the glass through the “strainer”]
CURLY: Ah!
LARRY: There it is.
MOE: Aha!
[Cut to the liquor salesman, who is waiting there for his drink.]
[Cut back to the stooges in the back room. Moe is still pouring the liquid into the glass through the ‘strainer”]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo!
[Moe is finished pouring the drink into the glass. He takes the chair away]
LARRY: [gives Moe a thermometer] Here, test it!
MOE: Wait a minute.
[Moe looks through the chair and sees a big hole in the seat]
MOE: That last stuff had teeth in it.
LARRY: Better find out what’s in it.
[Moe takes the thermometer from Larry and places it in the drink. The thermometer goes past the maximum temperature and breaks]
MOE: Well boys! I guess it’s ripe.
[Moe pours the liquid into a drinking glass]
MOE: This ought to pick him up.
CURLY: And lay him down too.
MOE: [pushes Curly out of the way] Outta the way!
[Cut to the liquor salesman. The stooges give him his drink]
MOE: There we are!
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Toodle-oo.
MOE: Over the river.
CURLY: Skip the gutter.
LARRY: Ver g'harget. [Moe looks at him.]
[The liquor salesman takes a drink and gasps. His hat flies off.]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [exhales] Oh boy! Where d’ya get this scotch?
MOE: We made it.
CURLY: All of us.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Listen, boys. There’s a fortune in this. We’ll make thousands of dollars. I’ve got an idea. Don’t move. [leaves]
LARRY: Maybe we better humor him.
CURLY: I’ll marry him if there’s enough dough in it.
[Moe slaps Curly]
CURLY: Ah!
[Cut to the liquor salesman who is on a public phone]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [on the phone] J.T.!
J.T.: [on the phone] Oh hello.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [on the phone] I ran into three Scotch distillers who just arrived from Scotland. They’re looking for a distributor to handle their output.
J.T.: [on the phone] Don’t let them out of your sight. Bring them up to the house for dinner and if we put the deal through, you’ll get a bonus.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [on the phone] Ok, J.T. [hangs up the phone]
[The liquor salesman approaches the stooges. The stooges just finished splitting the salesman’s “scotch” into four individual drinking glasses.]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Boys, we’re all partners. You make the Scotch, I’ll handle the output. We’ll split fifty-fifty. Just leave everything to me. There’s millions in it.
MOE: [says secretly to Larry and Curly] We better take it easy. He’s liable to have a gun.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [lifts his drink] Well. Ver g'harget.
[The liquor salesman and the stooges all take a drink. The stooges jump up and down once. Curly and Larry’s hats fly off. The stooges start moaning and groaning. Curly becomes cross-eyed and starts doing his “woo woo.” The scene ends]
[A new scene begins in Mrs. Walton’s house]
MRS. WALTON: [to the liquor salesman] J.T. just ran over to see his banker to arrange the money for the deal. He’ll be back soon.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: That’s fine, Mrs. Walton.
[We suddenly hear bagpipes playing]
MRS. WALTON: What in the world is that?
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Oh that’s eh--- That’s the Scotch gentlemen. I know you’ll enjoy them, Mrs. Walton. Of course, they’re a bit eccentric.
[The stooges enter and they bump into each other. The stooges are wearing kilts. The bagpipes stop]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Mrs. Walton, may I present Mr. McSniff.
[Larry sniffs]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Mr. McSnuff.
[Moe snuffs]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: And Mr. McSnort.
[Curly snorts. Moe and Larry get startled and look at Curly]
MRS. WALTON: How do you do?
[Moe and Larry start muttering]
CURLY: Hoot! Hoot! With a hooty-hoot-hoot---
[Moe grabs Curly’s elastic belt and lets go of it]
CURLY: Uh!!
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [to Mrs. Walton] Hehe. An old, uh, Scotch salute.
[A man approaches the stooges and starts speaking in Gaelic]
MAN: Are you ladies by any chance from Loch Lomond?
CURLY: No, we’re from Lockjaw. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk---
[Moe slaps Curly]
CURLY: [grabs Moe’s arm in anger] Mmm.
[Moe flings Curly’s face]
CURLY: Oh! Woo woo woo woo!
[Moe hits Curly on the head]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Eh heh! Mrs. Walton, you might go ahead with your musical. I’ll make the boys comfortable.
MRS. WALTON: Alright.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Gentlemen, won’t you be seated? [elbows Larry]
[Larry elbows Moe and Moe elbows Curly. Curly tries to elbow someone on his right, but nobody is there]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Come ahead.
CURLY: Low man again.
[The stooges walk away and they get seated]
MRS. WALTON: [to the guests] Ladies and gentlemen! Signor Louis Balero Cantino, the famous baritone, will sing for us.
[The piano starts playing. Cantino begins singing in Italian]
[The stooges watch Cantino sing and they don’t like it. They see a bowl of grapes on the table. The stooges all grab a grape at the same time.]
MOE: Recede!
[Moe takes a grape and flings it into Cantino’s mouth. Cantino stops singing]
[Cantino clears his throat and smiles at everyone. He resumes his singing. Moe takes a grape and gives it Larry. Larry flings a grape into Cantino’s mouth. He stops singing]
CURLY: [gives Larry a statue] A winner every time. Hehe.
[Moe grabs the statue and breaks it on Curly’s head]
CURLY: Ah!
[Cantino resumes his singing]
CURLY: Hit me again. I can still hear him
CANTINO: [still singing] …Santa Maria!!
[Curly takes a banana and peels it off.]
CANTINO: Santa Mari-aaaaa [sings a very high note]
[Curly squeezes the banana peel. The banana pops out of the peel, it flies across the room and into Cantino’s mouth. Cantino bites the banana and starts chewing on it]
[Curly gives the banana peel to Moe. Moe slaps Curly with the banana peel]
CURLY: Oh!
CANTINO: What you try to make for me, a fruit salad? Pigs!! [walks away]
MOE: [in an angry manner] He can’t call me that and get away with it.
CANTINO: More pigs!! [leaves the room]
[Moe throws a pineapple at Cantino. The pineapple follows Cantino into the other room. We hear the pineapple hit him]
CANTINO: Owwww!
[Mrs. Walton approaches the liquor salesman]
MRS. WALTON: Oh this is terrible.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: That’s quite alright.
MRS. WALTON: What are we going to do?
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Just don’t excite yourself.
[The stooges approach Mrs. Walton. Curly taps her]
CURLY: What about a little twist?
MRS. WALTON: A what?
CURLY: A twirl, a dance!
MRS. WALTON: Oh. Well, that would be lovely.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Yes.
MRS. WALTON: [to the guests] The gentlemen are going to do their native dance.
CURLY: [to Moe] I ain’t gonna take my clothes off for anybody.
MOE: See that? [shows his fist]
CURLY: Yeah.
[Moe slaps his fist and hits Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh oh!
[Curly sticks his fist out. Moe slaps it and Curly hits himself on the head]
Curly: Mm!
[Moe sticks his finger in Curly nose and pulls on it]
CURLY: Uuuhh!
MRS. WALTON: We would like to have you do the Highland fling.
MOE: Well, we ain’t much on the Highland fling, lady. But we sure knock ‘em dead with our Lowland shim.
MRS. WALTON: A Lowland shim?
CURLY: Yeah, it’s the same as a fan dance, only you do it in kilts. See?
[Curly pulls on his elastic belt and starts dancing and muttering]
LARRY: [to the Scotchmen] Play on, MacDuff.
[The Scotchmen begin playing their bagpipes out of time. They start playing in tune. The stooges start dancing in a weird manner]
MOE: Hey, play a little faster.
LARRY: A little slower.
MOE: A little faster.
LARRY: A little slower.
MOE: A little faster.
[The stooges start dancing their way out of the room. The guests applaud. Larry’s kilt starts falling]
[As the stooges enter the other room, they bump into each other.]
[The butler approaches Mrs. Walton]
BUTLER: Mrs. Walton, supper is served.
MRS. WALTON: [to the guests] Supper is served.
[The curtains to the dining room open. The stooges are already on the table slurping soup]
[Dissolve to the dining room. All the guests are seated. Larry takes a small cup of liquid and pours it into his eye. He then takes a flower and offers it to the woman next to him. He then eats some of it and puts it on his plate. He takes some other flower, cuts it into pieces and puts it on his plate. Larry puts some other weird objects onto his plate.]
[Moe taps Larry]
MOE: Hey, are you gonna eat that?
LARRY: Nah, that’s for you. [gives Moe the plate]
MOE: Nah, it’s for you. [throws all the stuff from the plate on Larry]
[Curly starts fooling around with some breadsticks. Moe takes some breadsticks of his own and places them at the end of his fork.]
CURLY: [to the woman next to him] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk--- [turns to Moe]
[Moe eyepokes Curly with the breadsticks]
CURLY: Ooh! You can’t spoil my dinner. [Moe hits Curly with a breadstick] Oh!! Hmm.
[Curly gets up and sits on the other side of the table across Moe. Curly takes a roll and cuts in half. Moe looks at Curly in an angry manner. Curly tries to take a bite out of his sandwich, but it opens up. He wipes his face with his hand. He tries to take another bite, but the sandwich opens up again. He adds some salt to it. He tries to take another bite, but it opens up again. Curly punches the roll. Mrs. Walton, who is next to Curly, is wondering what he’s doing. Curly takes another bite, but the roll opens up and bites Curly’s nose]
CURLY: Ohhh! Oh!
[Curly takes a plate and breaks it on the sandwich]
MRS. WALTON: [startled] Oh!
[Curly takes more plates and breaks them on the roll. Mrs. Walton continues to cry out as Curly does this]
CURLY: It bit me, but I got him.
MRS. WALTON: Oh!
MOE: I’ll get you later.
CURLY: You better take this now. [reaches over the table and gives Moe the roll]
[Moe reaches over and slaps Curly. Curly falls back and pulls the table cloth. Everyone on the table falls down]
CURLY: Ohh!
[Everyone screams]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Why you blithering idiot!
[J.T. walks in and sees what’s going on. He has a puzzled look on his face]
J.T.: [approaches the stooges] Oh gentlemen! I feel as though I’ve known you for years. It is an extreme pleasure and my home is yours.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [approaches J.T.] Mr. Walton.
J.T.: Yes.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: We’ve been waiting for you. The gentlemen have brought a sample of their Breath of Heather, that 106 plus.
J.T.: Oh that’s fine.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [to the stooges] Gentlemen. Bring in your Breath of Heather.
MOE: Hoot mon!
LARRY: Hoot mon!
CURLY: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
[Moe grabs Curly’s elastic belt and lets go of it]
CURLY: Oohh! [Moe hits Curly on the head] Oh!
MOE: Hoot!
STOOGES: Hoot! Hoot hoot hoot hoot hoot hoot!
[The stooges leave the room]
MRS. WALTON: [approaches J.T.] Those three vandals are wrecking our home.
J.T.: Listen, if we don’t sign those three vandals to a liquor contract, we’ll have no home to wreck.
[The stooges enter with a large barrel. They drop the barrel and it starts rolling. The stooges grab the barrel and place it on the table. All the guests start talking]
MOE: Take it easy. Ok. Take it easy now, folks. Take it easy. [to Curly] Tap it.
[Curly starts tapping the barrel and we hear a rumbling sound]
J.T.: [to the liquor salesman] Are you sure that’s the Breath of Heather?
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [in a nervous manner] Well, I’m p-p-p-pretty sure.
[A woman screams. We see the barrel starting to leak]
MOE: Go away, I’m---
LARRY: Hey!!
[The guests start shrieking]
MOE: Easy now!
LARRY: Alright, Breath! That’s the idea.
[Moe starts tapping the barrel and it continues to leak]
CURLY: Heave!
[Moe continues tapping the barrel and it explodes. The liquor is everywhere and everyone is swimming in it. Moe picks up Larry from under the pool of liquor and slaps him on the head. Moe picks up Curly and slaps him as well.]
--THE END--
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Hello! When will that shipment of liquor be over? Delayed? After waiting all these years? Tomorrow repeal goes into effect.
J.T.: [on the phone] Yes, yes Mr. Jones. I know all that. I’m very sorry. But that shipment of scotch didn’t arrive.
MR. JONES: [on the phone] And I’m going to be left holding the sack, huh!
[The stooges enter carrying a large door.]
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Listen, I’m not doing any business in any other department. I’m depending on that to pull me out of the red. What? Hello! Hello?
[Moe opens the door and approaches Mr. Jones from behind]
MOE: [to Mr. Jones] Hello
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Hello.
[Larry opens the door and stands next to Moe]
LARRY: [to Mr. Jones] Hello
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Hello!
[Curly opens the door and stands next to Larry]
CURLY: [to Mr. Jones] Hello.
MR. JONES: Say, what is this? [hangs up the phone in anger. He turns around and sees the stooges] Oh, hello.
STOOGES: Hello.
MR. JONES: Have you got everything?
MOE: Everything’s alright. We’ll have it done in a jiffy. [to Larry and Curly] Get busy.
MR. JONES: Ah remember, that door goes on the right.
MOE: Right!
CURLY: Right!
LARRY: Right!
MOE: Left.
[The stooges start carrying the large door up the stairs]
STOOGES: Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right!
[The scene ends and new scene begins in another room where the stooges continue to carry the large door that they plan to install]
MOE: Left, right. Halt!
[The stooges set the door in the middle of the room. The stooges walk away getting ready to get to work. Moe turns to Larry]
MOE: Get the tools.
LARRY: What tools?
[Moe grabs Larry’s hair and holds onto it.]
MOE: The tools we’ve been using for the last ten years.
[Moe lets go of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Oh! Those tools!
[Moe faces Curly]
MOE: Now let me see. The door goes on the right.
[Moe looks at both of his hands to figure out which is his right one.]
MOE: Right! [points towards his right]
CURLY: Wait a minute!
[Curly stops Moe thinking he’s wrong because he’s facing Moe in the opposite direction]
CURLY: The man said the door goes on the right. [points to his right, which is Moe's left.]
[Moe gets an angry look on his face thinking Curly is wrong.]
MOE: [makes a fist] What’s this?
CURLY: A fist.
[Moe bonks Curly in the forehead]
CURLY: Ahhh!
MOE: Right or left?
[Curly looks confused and tries to think for a moment.]
MOE: Oh! Ignorant, eh!
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: Ohh!
MOE: Now listen, grapehead. I’m gonna explain it so even you can understand it.
[Moe grabs Curly and turns him around]
MOE: Now here. Get over here. Now when I say go. We both point to the right. Go!
[They each point to the right, but since they’re facing each other again, they points to their own right side.]
MOE: [to Larry] Hey Porcupine!
[Larry turns around]
MOE: Come here.
[Larry walks up to Moe. He faces Moe and Curly]
MOE: Point to the right for this chump, will ya?
[Larry points to his right. Since he’s facing Moe and Curly, his right is in a completely different direction.]
CURLY: See.
[Moe slaps Moe and Larry]
CURLY: Ahhhh!
MOE: Get busy. Come on! Where’s the map?
[Curly walks into Moe and bumps into him]
MOE: Over there. [points to the direction behind Curly]
[Moe walks up to the table, grabs the blueprints, and looks at it. He turns to Larry]
MOE: Get me a board.
LARRY: Get me a board. [turns to Curly]
CURLY: Get me... [turns around and before he finishes his line, he realizes that no one is behind him]
[Curly walks up to the door, opens it, walks through it and closes it behind him. He gets the board, walks up to the door, walks through it again, and closes it behind him]
[As Curly walks up to the table to bring back the board, we find Moe standing on top of the table.]
MOE: What’s keeping ya? [wondering where Curly is]
MOE: Make it six inches.
LARRY: Make it six inches. [turns to Curly]
CURLY: Make it six inches.
[Curly turns around with his back towards Larry. On Curly’s back, there is a ruler hanging]
[Larry grabs the ruler. He measures the table and hits Curly in the stomach with his elbow by accident]
LARRY: Get me the saw.
CURLY: The saw.
[Curly grabs the electric saw. He starts sawing the wood in half. However, the wood is placed on the table. So, without realizing it, he’s also cutting the table in half as well.]
[Curly finally finishes his sawing]
[Curly removes the saw and as he places the saw to the side, Larry pats on Curly’s back]
MOE: Give it to me.
[Moe, still on top of the table, turns around, and takes one step. Due to Curly’s careless sawing, the table splits in half causing Moe to fall to the floor.]
[Moe, looking badly hurt, struggles to get up. He finally gets up and takes a few steps]
CURLY: What happened?
[Moe turns to Curly in anger]
MOE: Nothing.
[Moe slaps both Curly and Larry together. He grabs a long piece of wood to hit them with. He then runs after them.]
[Moe and Larry run away and walk through the door they carried in before]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.
[Moe bumps into the side of the door as he runs after them. He becomes frustrated and he throws the large piece of wood away]
MOE: Shut that door!
[Curly looks angry. He slams the door shut and it falls over on Moe and he gets trapped under.]
MOE: Whoaaa!!! Help! Murder!
[Curly and Larry run around the fallen door to look for Moe]
CURLY: Where is he?
LARRY: He’s in there. [points to the door]
[Cut to a close-up of Moe trapped under the door]
MOE: Get me outta here.
[Larry and Curly stand right on top of the door and we hear the wood of the door creak]
MOE: Owwww!!!
[The camera cuts to Moe and Larry again. Curly grabs the door knob and pulls it, but can’t get it open]
MOE: Get that door open.
CURLY: I can’t. It’s locked. I ain’t got a key.
MOE: Get a saw.
[Curly grabs the electric saw and turns it on]
CURLY: Don’t lose your head, Moe. I’ll have you outta this in a jiffy. [He starts sawing the door]
MOE: Hurry up.
[Curly is struggling to saw the door]
[The saw is extremely close to Moe's face. He looks really terrified because the saw could end up sawing him by accident. Curly finishes sawing the entire door all around. Larry pushes the door down.]
MOE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!! [Moe crashes to the lower floor due to Curly’s reckless sawing again. Curly ended up sawing both the door and floor]
[Moe tries to get all the pieces of wood off of him. Moe and Larry look through the hole in the floor]
CURLY: What are you doing down there?
MOE: Come here! [Looking up angry at Larry and Curly]
CURLY: [to Larry] I think he wants ya.
MOE: Both of ya.
[Curly look shocked and frustrated.]
[Cut to downstairs in the drugstore. The phone rings]
MR. JONES: [to Moe] Clean up this mess.
MOE: Ok.
[Curly and Larry approach Moe]
CURLY: Gotcha out, didn’t we?
MOE: Yeah, thanks.
[Moe taps Curly and Larry in the back in a friendly manner and then he bumps their heads together]
LARRY & CURLY: Oh!
[Mr. Jones picks up the phone]
MR. JONES: [on the phone] Hello!
J.T.: [on the phone] Hello, Mr. Jones? Uh, Mr. Jones, I’m very sorry, but I just found out we won’t be able to deliver the bourbon either.
MR. JONES: [on the phone] I’ll be right down. [hangs up the phone]
[Mr. Jones approaches the stooges in an excited manner. He startles them]
MR. JONES: Boys! Something terrible has happened.
STOOGES: [The stooges look up at the hole they made in the ceiling] Yes.
MR. JONES: I have to leave. I won’t be long.
STOOGES: Yes.
MR. JONES: You boys watch the store until I come back.
STOOGES: Yes.
[Mr. Jones can’t decide what direction he should walk. He then gets his jacket that’s hanging on the wall. The stooges follow him. The stooges get their jackets as well and put them on]
MR. JONES: Be sure and watch the store.
STOOGES: Yes.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in J.T.’s office]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Now listen. J.T.---
J.T.: Oh, listen nothing. We have liquor contracts that we can’t fulfill and it’s all due to your neglect.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: But I---
J.T.: Do you know that they’ll sue us and put our firm out of business? And then you’ll be out of a job. Now you get over to the drugstore and pacify Jones. He’s been calling me up every five minutes. And I’ll wait here for an answer to our last cable.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Alright.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the drugstore. The liquor salesman walks up to the counter and calls the stooges]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Hey! Mr. Jones in?
MOE: No, but he ought to be back any minute.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [all upset] Uhh!
CURLY: What’s the matter?
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Oh boy, do I feel low. Hey! Mix me a pickup.
CURLY: [to Moe] He wants a derrick.
[Moe hits Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh!
LARRY: Well uh, we got the raspberry and uh---
LIQUOR SALESMAN: No no! Some of the prescription stuff. [points to the back room]
[The stooges turn around and see the back room]
STOOGES: Ohhh!!
MOE: Sure, we’ll have ya fixed in a second. Come on!
[The stooges run to the back room.]
[Cut to the back room. The stooges are looking at several bottles on the shelf]
CURLY: What’ll we give him?
MOE: Now listen. We’ll all start together and once we get started, it’s every man for himself. Help me out now. Get busy.
[The stooges start grabbing random bottles. Curly gives Moe a bottle]
CURLY: Here ya are!
MOE: What is it?
CURLY: I don’t know but it smells good.
MOE: Ok. [pours a bottle into the glass]
LARRY: [pours some liquid into the glass] Try this.
MOE: [pours another kind of liquid into the glass] No, I think we better try this.
[The stooges start pouring in several types of liquids into the glass]
MOE: Easy now.
CURLY: Oh this is beautiful.
[The liquid in the glass starts bubbling]
MOE: Now uh, w-wait a minute!
[Larry gives Moe some small little “nuggets”]
LARRY: Try these.
MOE: Oh, nuggets. [pours the “nuggets” into the glass]
[The liquid pops and splashes everywhere. The stooges get startled]
MOE: Now, come on now.
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo.
MOE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute now, fellas.
[Curly pours a little water into the glass]
MOE: That’s funny.
[The stooges start moving back in fright]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo.
MOE: Now sneak up on a slow.
CURLY: I’ll be right behind ya. Don’t be afraid.
[The liquid starts bubbling again]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo. We better shake it up.
MOE: Get the shaker.
[Curly gets a large boot and gives it to Moe]
CURLY: Here!
MOE: Ok, Pour it in.
[Curly pours the liquid into the boot]
MOE: Easy now.
CURLY: Do it.
[Moe starts shaking the liquid in the boot]
MOE: [to Larry] Get a strainer.
[As Moe is shaking the liquid in the boot, we hear a rambling sound]
MOE: Hurry up. It’s alive here.
[Larry gives Moe a chair with several holes in the seat]
LARRY: This ought to be a strainer. Here ya are.
[The stooges place the chair on top of the glass]
MOE: Take it easy now, boys.
LARRY: Everything’s alright.
[Moe starts pouring the liquid into the glass through the “strainer”]
CURLY: Ah!
LARRY: There it is.
MOE: Aha!
[Cut to the liquor salesman, who is waiting there for his drink.]
[Cut back to the stooges in the back room. Moe is still pouring the liquid into the glass through the ‘strainer”]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo!
[Moe is finished pouring the drink into the glass. He takes the chair away]
LARRY: [gives Moe a thermometer] Here, test it!
MOE: Wait a minute.
[Moe looks through the chair and sees a big hole in the seat]
MOE: That last stuff had teeth in it.
LARRY: Better find out what’s in it.
[Moe takes the thermometer from Larry and places it in the drink. The thermometer goes past the maximum temperature and breaks]
MOE: Well boys! I guess it’s ripe.
[Moe pours the liquid into a drinking glass]
MOE: This ought to pick him up.
CURLY: And lay him down too.
MOE: [pushes Curly out of the way] Outta the way!
[Cut to the liquor salesman. The stooges give him his drink]
MOE: There we are!
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Toodle-oo.
MOE: Over the river.
CURLY: Skip the gutter.
LARRY: Ver g'harget. [Moe looks at him.]
[The liquor salesman takes a drink and gasps. His hat flies off.]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [exhales] Oh boy! Where d’ya get this scotch?
MOE: We made it.
CURLY: All of us.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Listen, boys. There’s a fortune in this. We’ll make thousands of dollars. I’ve got an idea. Don’t move. [leaves]
LARRY: Maybe we better humor him.
CURLY: I’ll marry him if there’s enough dough in it.
[Moe slaps Curly]
CURLY: Ah!
[Cut to the liquor salesman who is on a public phone]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [on the phone] J.T.!
J.T.: [on the phone] Oh hello.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [on the phone] I ran into three Scotch distillers who just arrived from Scotland. They’re looking for a distributor to handle their output.
J.T.: [on the phone] Don’t let them out of your sight. Bring them up to the house for dinner and if we put the deal through, you’ll get a bonus.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [on the phone] Ok, J.T. [hangs up the phone]
[The liquor salesman approaches the stooges. The stooges just finished splitting the salesman’s “scotch” into four individual drinking glasses.]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Boys, we’re all partners. You make the Scotch, I’ll handle the output. We’ll split fifty-fifty. Just leave everything to me. There’s millions in it.
MOE: [says secretly to Larry and Curly] We better take it easy. He’s liable to have a gun.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [lifts his drink] Well. Ver g'harget.
[The liquor salesman and the stooges all take a drink. The stooges jump up and down once. Curly and Larry’s hats fly off. The stooges start moaning and groaning. Curly becomes cross-eyed and starts doing his “woo woo.” The scene ends]
[A new scene begins in Mrs. Walton’s house]
MRS. WALTON: [to the liquor salesman] J.T. just ran over to see his banker to arrange the money for the deal. He’ll be back soon.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: That’s fine, Mrs. Walton.
[We suddenly hear bagpipes playing]
MRS. WALTON: What in the world is that?
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Oh that’s eh--- That’s the Scotch gentlemen. I know you’ll enjoy them, Mrs. Walton. Of course, they’re a bit eccentric.
[The stooges enter and they bump into each other. The stooges are wearing kilts. The bagpipes stop]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Mrs. Walton, may I present Mr. McSniff.
[Larry sniffs]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Mr. McSnuff.
[Moe snuffs]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: And Mr. McSnort.
[Curly snorts. Moe and Larry get startled and look at Curly]
MRS. WALTON: How do you do?
[Moe and Larry start muttering]
CURLY: Hoot! Hoot! With a hooty-hoot-hoot---
[Moe grabs Curly’s elastic belt and lets go of it]
CURLY: Uh!!
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [to Mrs. Walton] Hehe. An old, uh, Scotch salute.
[A man approaches the stooges and starts speaking in Gaelic]
MAN: Are you ladies by any chance from Loch Lomond?
CURLY: No, we’re from Lockjaw. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk---
[Moe slaps Curly]
CURLY: [grabs Moe’s arm in anger] Mmm.
[Moe flings Curly’s face]
CURLY: Oh! Woo woo woo woo!
[Moe hits Curly on the head]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Eh heh! Mrs. Walton, you might go ahead with your musical. I’ll make the boys comfortable.
MRS. WALTON: Alright.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Gentlemen, won’t you be seated? [elbows Larry]
[Larry elbows Moe and Moe elbows Curly. Curly tries to elbow someone on his right, but nobody is there]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Come ahead.
CURLY: Low man again.
[The stooges walk away and they get seated]
MRS. WALTON: [to the guests] Ladies and gentlemen! Signor Louis Balero Cantino, the famous baritone, will sing for us.
[The piano starts playing. Cantino begins singing in Italian]
[The stooges watch Cantino sing and they don’t like it. They see a bowl of grapes on the table. The stooges all grab a grape at the same time.]
MOE: Recede!
[Moe takes a grape and flings it into Cantino’s mouth. Cantino stops singing]
[Cantino clears his throat and smiles at everyone. He resumes his singing. Moe takes a grape and gives it Larry. Larry flings a grape into Cantino’s mouth. He stops singing]
CURLY: [gives Larry a statue] A winner every time. Hehe.
[Moe grabs the statue and breaks it on Curly’s head]
CURLY: Ah!
[Cantino resumes his singing]
CURLY: Hit me again. I can still hear him
CANTINO: [still singing] …Santa Maria!!
[Curly takes a banana and peels it off.]
CANTINO: Santa Mari-aaaaa [sings a very high note]
[Curly squeezes the banana peel. The banana pops out of the peel, it flies across the room and into Cantino’s mouth. Cantino bites the banana and starts chewing on it]
[Curly gives the banana peel to Moe. Moe slaps Curly with the banana peel]
CURLY: Oh!
CANTINO: What you try to make for me, a fruit salad? Pigs!! [walks away]
MOE: [in an angry manner] He can’t call me that and get away with it.
CANTINO: More pigs!! [leaves the room]
[Moe throws a pineapple at Cantino. The pineapple follows Cantino into the other room. We hear the pineapple hit him]
CANTINO: Owwww!
[Mrs. Walton approaches the liquor salesman]
MRS. WALTON: Oh this is terrible.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: That’s quite alright.
MRS. WALTON: What are we going to do?
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Just don’t excite yourself.
[The stooges approach Mrs. Walton. Curly taps her]
CURLY: What about a little twist?
MRS. WALTON: A what?
CURLY: A twirl, a dance!
MRS. WALTON: Oh. Well, that would be lovely.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Yes.
MRS. WALTON: [to the guests] The gentlemen are going to do their native dance.
CURLY: [to Moe] I ain’t gonna take my clothes off for anybody.
MOE: See that? [shows his fist]
CURLY: Yeah.
[Moe slaps his fist and hits Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh oh!
[Curly sticks his fist out. Moe slaps it and Curly hits himself on the head]
Curly: Mm!
[Moe sticks his finger in Curly nose and pulls on it]
CURLY: Uuuhh!
MRS. WALTON: We would like to have you do the Highland fling.
MOE: Well, we ain’t much on the Highland fling, lady. But we sure knock ‘em dead with our Lowland shim.
MRS. WALTON: A Lowland shim?
CURLY: Yeah, it’s the same as a fan dance, only you do it in kilts. See?
[Curly pulls on his elastic belt and starts dancing and muttering]
LARRY: [to the Scotchmen] Play on, MacDuff.
[The Scotchmen begin playing their bagpipes out of time. They start playing in tune. The stooges start dancing in a weird manner]
MOE: Hey, play a little faster.
LARRY: A little slower.
MOE: A little faster.
LARRY: A little slower.
MOE: A little faster.
[The stooges start dancing their way out of the room. The guests applaud. Larry’s kilt starts falling]
[As the stooges enter the other room, they bump into each other.]
[The butler approaches Mrs. Walton]
BUTLER: Mrs. Walton, supper is served.
MRS. WALTON: [to the guests] Supper is served.
[The curtains to the dining room open. The stooges are already on the table slurping soup]
[Dissolve to the dining room. All the guests are seated. Larry takes a small cup of liquid and pours it into his eye. He then takes a flower and offers it to the woman next to him. He then eats some of it and puts it on his plate. He takes some other flower, cuts it into pieces and puts it on his plate. Larry puts some other weird objects onto his plate.]
[Moe taps Larry]
MOE: Hey, are you gonna eat that?
LARRY: Nah, that’s for you. [gives Moe the plate]
MOE: Nah, it’s for you. [throws all the stuff from the plate on Larry]
[Curly starts fooling around with some breadsticks. Moe takes some breadsticks of his own and places them at the end of his fork.]
CURLY: [to the woman next to him] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk--- [turns to Moe]
[Moe eyepokes Curly with the breadsticks]
CURLY: Ooh! You can’t spoil my dinner. [Moe hits Curly with a breadstick] Oh!! Hmm.
[Curly gets up and sits on the other side of the table across Moe. Curly takes a roll and cuts in half. Moe looks at Curly in an angry manner. Curly tries to take a bite out of his sandwich, but it opens up. He wipes his face with his hand. He tries to take another bite, but the sandwich opens up again. He adds some salt to it. He tries to take another bite, but it opens up again. Curly punches the roll. Mrs. Walton, who is next to Curly, is wondering what he’s doing. Curly takes another bite, but the roll opens up and bites Curly’s nose]
CURLY: Ohhh! Oh!
[Curly takes a plate and breaks it on the sandwich]
MRS. WALTON: [startled] Oh!
[Curly takes more plates and breaks them on the roll. Mrs. Walton continues to cry out as Curly does this]
CURLY: It bit me, but I got him.
MRS. WALTON: Oh!
MOE: I’ll get you later.
CURLY: You better take this now. [reaches over the table and gives Moe the roll]
[Moe reaches over and slaps Curly. Curly falls back and pulls the table cloth. Everyone on the table falls down]
CURLY: Ohh!
[Everyone screams]
LIQUOR SALESMAN: Why you blithering idiot!
[J.T. walks in and sees what’s going on. He has a puzzled look on his face]
J.T.: [approaches the stooges] Oh gentlemen! I feel as though I’ve known you for years. It is an extreme pleasure and my home is yours.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [approaches J.T.] Mr. Walton.
J.T.: Yes.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: We’ve been waiting for you. The gentlemen have brought a sample of their Breath of Heather, that 106 plus.
J.T.: Oh that’s fine.
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [to the stooges] Gentlemen. Bring in your Breath of Heather.
MOE: Hoot mon!
LARRY: Hoot mon!
CURLY: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
[Moe grabs Curly’s elastic belt and lets go of it]
CURLY: Oohh! [Moe hits Curly on the head] Oh!
MOE: Hoot!
STOOGES: Hoot! Hoot hoot hoot hoot hoot hoot!
[The stooges leave the room]
MRS. WALTON: [approaches J.T.] Those three vandals are wrecking our home.
J.T.: Listen, if we don’t sign those three vandals to a liquor contract, we’ll have no home to wreck.
[The stooges enter with a large barrel. They drop the barrel and it starts rolling. The stooges grab the barrel and place it on the table. All the guests start talking]
MOE: Take it easy. Ok. Take it easy now, folks. Take it easy. [to Curly] Tap it.
[Curly starts tapping the barrel and we hear a rumbling sound]
J.T.: [to the liquor salesman] Are you sure that’s the Breath of Heather?
LIQUOR SALESMAN: [in a nervous manner] Well, I’m p-p-p-pretty sure.
[A woman screams. We see the barrel starting to leak]
MOE: Go away, I’m---
LARRY: Hey!!
[The guests start shrieking]
MOE: Easy now!
LARRY: Alright, Breath! That’s the idea.
[Moe starts tapping the barrel and it continues to leak]
CURLY: Heave!
[Moe continues tapping the barrel and it explodes. The liquor is everywhere and everyone is swimming in it. Moe picks up Larry from under the pool of liquor and slaps him on the head. Moe picks up Curly and slaps him as well.]
--THE END--
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