Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2009-01-29
[ The short opens with an outside shot of a house ]
[ Nearby, three spies pop out from behind bushes and look at the house ]
CAPT. RORK: That’s Professor Sneed’s new house. I watched from here when he moved in yesterday. [ looks through binoculars ]
CLUTTZ: So, we have him cornered at last! By now, his super rocket fuel should be perfected, yes, Rork?
CAPT. RORK: Yes… I think we can persuade him to give us the formula.
[ Captain Rork looks through the binoculars again at the house and sees Larry standing in front of the window inside the house while smoking a pipe and looking upwards with a thoughtful look on his face ]
CAPT. RORK: Ah… there he is now. [ hands binoculars to Cluttz ] There’s no mistaking that magnificent head of hair!
[ Cluttz looks through the binoculars at Larry ]
[ Inside the house, it turns out that the Stooges are carpet layers, and Moe and Shemp are in the middle of working. Larry takes the pipe out of his mouth and walks up to the actual Professor Sneed. ]
LARRY: Hiya, Professor. Got nothin’ to worry about. My men’ll have this job done in a couple of hours.
PROF. SNEED: Good.
[ Moe overhears Larry saying “my men”, then he angrily walks over to Larry ]
MOE: Who’s men?
LARRY: [ nervously ] Us men!
MOE: That’s better!
[ Moe hits Larry’s head with a pair of scissors ]
LARRY: OHH!
[ Moe crunches Larry’s nose with the scissors ]
MOE: Come on! Start cuttin’!
[ Meanwhile, Shemp takes out a sandwich and is about to eat it ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You, too, good lookin’!
SHEMP: [ puts sandwich away ] Yes, sir!
MOE: [ to Prof. Sneed ] These are some of my best men!
[ Shemp puts several tacks in his mouth, then takes one tack out and hammers it into the carpet on the floor. He repeats this until he gets to the part of the carpet in front of the door. Suddenly, Professor Sneed’s daughter opens the door from the outside and accidentally hits Shemp’s head with the door, causing him to swallow the tacks in his mouth. ]
SHEMP: [ gags ] I swallowed the tacks! [ stands up and angrily raises carpet stretcher in hand ] I’ll-- I’ll--
[ Shemp looks at the attractive daughter and suddenly smiles ]
SHEMP: Well, I’ll be doggone!
DAUGHTER: Oh, I’m sorry!
[ The daughter pats Shemp’s face and walks over to Professor Sneed ]
DAUGHTER: Father, step into the laboratory. I’ve discovered something interesting.
PROF. SNEED: Just a moment, dear. [ to Moe ] I want you men to finish up as quickly as possible. My work, shall we say, is highly secret. Forget my name, forget you ever came here, is that clear?
MOE: You betcha! We won’t breathe a word.
PROF. SNEED: Good.
DAUGHTER: Thank you, boys. [ smiles ]
[ Professor Sneed and the daughter walk away ]
MOE: [ looking at the daughter ] Nnnnnn! Hee hee hee! [ snaps teeth together ]
[ As Larry is cutting through the carpet, he smiles while staring at the daughter. Not looking at what he’s doing, he accidentally cuts right through the front of Moe’s shoe, crunching his toes. ]
MOE: YAAAAAH-AAAAH!! AAAAH-AAAAH!! OHHH!! AAAAAAHHHHOOHHHH!!!
[ Moe looks at what remains of his shoe and doesn’t see his toes sticking out of it ]
MOE: My toes, they’re gone!! Ohh! Nnn-nnn-nnn!!
[ Moe and Larry look at the cut-off part of Moe’s shoe for his toes, then Larry sees Moe’s toes tucked inside of what’s left of his shoe ]
LARRY: Oh, there they are!
MOE: So they are!
[ Moe hits Larry’s head with a hammer ]
LARRY: Ooh!
[ Moe hits Larry’s head with the hammer several more times, then whacks him in the nose with it ]
[ The daughter walks out the door and smiles at Shemp. Shemp tries to follow her, but she unintentionally closes the door right on his nose. ]
SHEMP: OOH! OOH! OOH! OHHHHHH!! [ pops nose out of door ] Ohh! Ohhhh…
[ Moe walks away from Larry and goes over to Shemp ]
MOE: Quit playin’ around! We gotta measure this joint! [ hands Shemp one part of measuring tape ] Take this tape over to the other wall. [ pushes Shemp ] Go onnnnn!
[ Shemp walks a couple of feet away from Moe while holding one part of the measuring tape ]
MOE: How many feet ya got?
[ Shemp looks down and counts both of his feet ]
SHEMP: Two!
MOE: You skillet-head! Gimme that tape!!
[ Shemp lets go of his end of the measuring tape and it flings back right at Moe’s face and hits him, knocking him backwards into the door ]
SHEMP: I’m sorry, Moe! You asked for it!
MOE: You asked for it, too! But… [ smiles ] we’ll forget it! Get to nailin’!
SHEMP: Yes, sir! Gladly!
[ Shemp turns around and bends over. Moe quickly grabs the carpet on the floor that Shemp’s standing on and pulls it from under Shemp’s feet, sending Shemp crashing over a chair and into a shelf. At the same time, Moe accidentally slams backwards into the door due to the force of him pulling the rug. ]
[ Shemp struggles to pull off the hat that’s stuck over his face ]
SHEMP: How did I get in this cellar here??
[ Shemp finally pulls the hat off. A vase on the shelf behind him falls off and smashes on his head. He makes a dazed expression and passes out. ]
[ The scene dissolves back to the three spies hiding behind the bushes outside of Professor Sneed’s house ]
CLUTTZ: [ to Capt. Rork ] When the professor comes out of the house, we’ll capture him. You will take him to Anemia. Leon and I will remain at the embassy.
CAPT. RORK: Yes, colonel.
[ Back inside the house, Shemp and Larry are nailing opposite ends of a carpet on the floor. Moe walks over and is surprised to notice a big lump under the middle of the carpet. He steps on it in curiosity. ]
MOE: Hey! What’s that lump in here?
SHEMP: [ not looking at Moe ] I didn’t see no lump.
MOE: Well, ther-- Ohh, never mind! I’ll get it myself!
[ Moe ducks under an un-nailed part of the carpet and crawls over to the lump ]
[ Shemp and Larry almost bump into each other as they finish nailing their ends of the carpet, unknowingly trapping Moe under it. They smile at each other and stand up. ]
SHEMP: Well, that hunk is finished. Now the--
[ Shemp and Larry notice the new “lump” under the carpet, which is Moe ]
SHEMP: Say, he isn’t kiddin’! That is a big lump!
LARRY: Ahh, that’s just a wrinkle. Flatten it out.
SHEMP: Alright.
[ Shemp stomps down on the “lump”, causing Moe’s head to slam into the floor ]
MOE: OH!!
LARRY: What’s that?!
SHEMP: I thought I heard somethin’!
[ Shemp bangs the “lump” with a hammer, slamming Moe’s head into the floor again ]
MOE: OHH!!! Oh oh oh! I’ll murder ‘em!
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] Hey, that’s a noisy wrinkle! Get me that stretcher.
[ As Larry goes to pick up the carpet stretcher, Shemp bangs the “lump” with his hammer two more times ]
MOE: Oh!!
SHEMP: [ takes stretcher from Larry ] Come ‘ere, give me that!
[ Shemp begins scraping the stretcher into the carpet over Moe ]
MOE: Ooh ooh ooh! Ooh! Mmmm mmm mmm!
[ Moe squirms under the carpet as Shemp continues scraping the carpet ]
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] Stop pushin’ the rug, will ya?!
MOE: OHHHHHHH!! Oh!
[ Moe’s head slams back into the floor again ]
SHEMP: Hey, that wrinkle is alive! [ continues scraping carpet ]
MOE: OOHHHHHOOHHH!!
[ Moe pokes his head out from a hole in the middle of the carpet ]
MOE: Hey!! Get me up… What’s the matta with you?!!
SHEMP: Moe, you was that lump!
MOE: And you’ll be the next one! Get me outta here!
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] Come on, help him!
[ Larry and Shemp struggle to pull Moe out of the hole from the middle of the carpet ]
LARRY: Alright, we’ll have ya out.
SHEMP: Take it easy. There’s nothin’ to it, take it easy.
[ Moe stands up, then angrily grabs the carpet stretcher out of Shemp’s hand, slaps Shemp’s hat off, and bangs his head with the stretcher ]
SHEMP: OOOH! I was a little too quick for you, wasn’t I?
MOE: Yeah…
[ Moe scrapes Shemp’s nose with the stretcher ]
SHEMP: WHOOOAA!!
LARRY: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MOE: [ to Larry ] What do ya got in your hand?
LARRY: [ holds up hammer ] Hammer.
MOE: [ snatches hammer ] Fine!
[ Moe bangs Larry’s head several times with the hammer ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges leaving Professor Sneed’s house ]
DAUGHTER: Well, goodbye.
ALL STOOGES: Goodbye!
[ The daughter closes the door ]
[ In the nearby bushes, Captain Rork is watching the Stooges through binoculars ]
CAPT. RORK: Look! The professor has two assistants.
CLUTTZ: Good. We’ll take them, too.
[ Leon points a gun at the Stooges ]
CLUTTZ: Not yet! Put away that gun! No harm must come to the professor.
[ The three spies walk away from the bushes ]
[ The Stooges walk past different piles of bushes while whistling ]
[ An arm reaches out from behind one pile of bushes and grabs Larry ]
[ Another arm reaches out from behind a second pile of bushes and grabs Moe ]
[ Shemp continues nonchalantly whistling, then he turns around and stops whistling when he sees that Moe and Larry are gone. Meanwhile, Captain Rork sneaks up behind Shemp with a gun ]
SHEMP: [ to Capt. Rork ] Where’d those guys go that was here a few min--
[ Captain Rork points his gun at Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: [ gasps ] Ohhho!
[ Shemp turns around to run, but sees Leon standing there also pointing a gun at Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: OHHH!!
[ Shemp pushes the gun out of Leon’s hand, then begins running away. Leon catches up to Shemp and tackles him to the ground by the legs. ]
SHEMP: Let go! My leg, you’re breakin’ it!
[ Leon and Rork begin dragging Shemp away by the feet ]
SHEMP: Whoa-whoa-whoa! MOE, LARRY!!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with a shot of a plane flying in the air, then the camera dissolves to a train traveling on tracks, then dissolves to a jeep driving that Captain Rork and the Stooges are on. A graphic on the screen says “STATE OF ANEMIA”. ]
[ A gate goes up and the jeep drives past it, then stops in front of a building ]
CAPT. RORK: Here we are, gentlemen.
[ Captain Rork and the Stooges stand up in the jeep and begin to get out ]
LARRY: [ looking around ] What a joint! [ to Moe ] Reminds me of the reform school.
[ Moe kicks Larry in the behind, causing Larry to trip forward in the jeep ]
MOE: Ohh! [ helps Larry up ] Did you stumble, professor? [ squeezes Larry’s cheek hard ]
LARRY: Ahh!
CAPT. RORK: Anything wrong, professor?
LARRY: No, I’m alright.
[ Larry steps one foot out the jeep, but his other foot gets caught inside the jeep and he almost falls over on the ground ]
CAPT. RORK: Guard!
[ A guard walks up ]
CAPT. RORK: Uh, follow this soldier, gentlemen. He will lead you to the laboratory.
SHEMP: I’d just as soon take a look around town. [ begins walking away ] I’ll be back.
[ Shemp turns around and sees a big, tall guard right next to him. Shemp gets scared and quickly walks back to the other Stooges. ]
SHEMP: I’m back!
[ The guard shoves the Stooges ]
MOE: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
SHEMP: What are ya doin’? What are ya doin’?
[ As the Stooges walk up the stairs to the building, the General walks out and passes the Stooges ]
MOE: This ain’t no reform school - it’s a theater.
LARRY: How do you know?
MOE: [ points to General ] There goes the doorman!
[ The guard next to the Stooges shoves them again ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Hey, stop shovin’! I’m the professor! [ puts hands on hips ]
MOE: [ bows down ] Pardon me, professor.
LARRY: That’s better!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Get out!
[ The Stooges enter the building ]
[ The General walks up to Captain Rork and they salute each other ]
GENERAL: Welcome home, Captain Rork. Hope you had a pleasant trip. [ shakes Capt. Rork’s hand ]
CAPT. RORK: I did, General. I had no trouble with the professor whatsoever.
GENERAL: Splendid. And now, for bringing that genius to Anemia, I give you the order… of the Yellow Posset.
[ The General places a pin on Captain Rork’s uniform ]
CAPT. RORK: Of course, the fuel is not quite ready yet, but the professor promises that it will only be two or three days. He is most eager to cooperate.
GENERAL: Did you say “eager”?
CAPT. RORK: I did, General. Of course, it may be because, uh… I warned him of the… consequences.
GENERAL: [ smiles ] Consequences? That’s good! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[ The General pats Rork on the back and they walk towards the building ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with a close-up of Moe in a laboratory, reading a book titled “ELEMENTARY CHEMISTRY” with an astonished look on his face ]
[ Larry walks up next to Moe and pours a cup of chemicals down a funnel into a jug ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Say, I beg your pardon. Do you have any idea what we’re doin’?
MOE: Now that you mention it… no!
[ Larry does a double-take ]
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] Why don’t you tell the General he ain’t Professor Sneed? He couldn’t invent the rocket fuel in a million years!
LARRY: I beg your pardon! I--
MOE: Wait a minute, you ignoramuses! If they find out we’re only carpet layers, they’ll go back and grab the real professor… and not only that, they’ll shoot us!
[ Shemp and Larry get scared ]
MOE: Now we gotta fool them, savvy?
LARRY: You’re right. It’s our duty to posterior!
[ The Stooges all do a double-take and Moe and Shemp look at Larry strangely. Larry nervously walks away. Moe continues reading his book while Shemp holds up a cup of chemicals. ]
SHEMP: I wonder what this’ll do. [ reads cup ] “Pyrogallic Acid”.
[ Shemp pours the acid through a funnel into a jug of chemicals. The chemicals suddenly start bubbling. ]
SHEMP: Say… that acts mighty powerful!
MOE: Yeah. If they put that in an airplane, something’s bound to happen! Get some more stuff!!
SHEMP: Okay, okay!
[ Shemp leans up on a shelf and reaches for a jug. As he grabs it, another jug next to it falls and smashes on Shemp’s head, knocking him dizzy. ]
SHEMP: How’d that mule get in here?!
[ Shemp dazedly staggers over next to Moe, who’s asleep while holding his head up with his arm. Shemp places a funnel in Moe’s sleeve, then takes the jar of chemicals and pours it down the funnel into Moe’s sleeve. Moe wakes up and slowly looks over and sees what Shemp is doing. ]
MOE: NYAAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-OHHHH!!! [ stands up ] You don’t know my sleeve from a jug, you jughead!
[ Moe slaps Shemp’s head, causing Shemp to accidentally knock over a jug of chemicals. The chemicals spill on the table and cause a fire. ]
MOE: Hey! It’s burnin’ the wood! Put it out, somebody! Larry, Larry, put the fire out!
[ Larry grabs a fire extinguisher and rushes to the table ]
SHEMP: Larry, come on!!
[ Larry aims the extinguisher at the fire and sprays at it, but accidentally gets Moe’s face wet instead ]
MOE: You-- [ looks at jug ] Hey! It’s strong enough! Let’s cork it!
SHEMP: [ holds up cork ] Here’s the cork.
MOE: Okay, kid. [ puts cork in jug ] Ah!
[ The cork suddenly pops out of the jar and lands off-camera ]
CAPT. RORK: [ off-camera ] OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!
[ Moe and Shemp look off-camera in shock ]
[ The camera cuts over to Captain Rork with the cork over his eye. He angrily pulls the cork out and slowly walks over to the Stooges. ]
MOE: Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, Captain!
SHEMP: And the rest of the day for myself!
LARRY: Ah, but there’s good news today!
CAPT. RORK: Yes, you have the… super rocket fuel?
MOE: You said it! With that stuff, a plane can go 1400 miles an hour.
SHEMP: In low gear!
[ Moe slaps Shemp, then motions for him to shush ]
CAPT. RORK: Splendid! Splendid! I congratulate you, professor! [ shakes Larry’s hand ]
LARRY: Oh, think nothin’ of it. Drop us a line and let us know how you come out.
SHEMP: If you come out!
[ The Stooges are about to leave ]
CAPT. RORK: One moment, gentlemen! I think before you go, you should give me the formula.
MOE: Oh, yes, the formula. Why… sure, sure. [ to Larry ] Tell him, professor.
LARRY: Oh, yeah, y-- [ to Shemp ] Tell him!
SHEMP: Me?! [ to Capt. Rork ] Well, uh… first you put in a half a pint of… Ectahoosis.
CAPT. RORK: Ecatahoosis? [ begins writing down on pad ]
LARRY: [ stops Capt. Rork ] No, no… Ectawhatsis!
CAPT. RORK: Whatsis! [ writes down ]
MOE: Uh… [ clears throat ] And four grams of Alkabob.
CAPT. RORK: [ writes down ] Ah, so!
MOE: Then you pour in the Shiskabob!
CAPT. RORK: Shishkabob… [ writes down ]
MOE: Then you fold in a jigger of… uh… Sascraphonia.
CAPT. RORK: Ah! [ writes down ]
[ The General enters the lab with an angry look on his face ]
CAPT. RORK: Ah, General! They are just giving me the formula!
GENERAL: Well, that’s splendid. Continue, gentlemen. Don’t let me interrupt… [ looks suspicious ]
CAPT. RORK: Yeah…
LARRY: Say, did I give you carbolic acid? I’d love to!
SHEMP: Put down a squirt of Haratang…
[ Meanwhile, the General opens the door and signals for somebody off-camera to come in ]
SHEMP: Spelled sideways, it’s, uh… Aharagtn [ clicks tongue several times ]!!
CAPT. RORK: H-How you spell this, uh… [ clicks tongue several times ]...
SHEMP: That’s right, put it down!
[ Captain Rork does a double-take, then reluctantly begins writing down ]
CAPT. RORK: Yeah… [ looks strangely at Shemp ]
SHEMP: [ looks off-camera ] Hiya!
[ The camera cuts to the General, Cluttz, and Leon bringing Professor Sneed and his daughter in the lab ]
ALL STOOGES: NYAAAAAAAHH!!!
[ The Stooges run towards the open window in the lab, but Cluttz presses a button on the wall next to him, causing bars to drop in between the open window. The Stooges end up banging their heads on it. ]
ALL STOOGES: OOH!!
[ Leon walks up to the Stooges and points a gun at Larry ]
[ Captain Rork walks up to Cluttz ]
CAPT. RORK: Colonel, what does this mean??
CLUTTZ: It means you have captured three imposters, you dunderhead! [ looks at Prof. Sneed ] This is Professor Sneed.
GENERAL: Yes, and unless you give us that formula at once, you, your daughter, and your friends… all will be shot!
[ The daughter puts her arm around Professor Sneed ]
PROF. SNEED: I’m sorry, but… I’m afraid I can’t help you.
DAUGHTER: You see, General, my father has a very poor memory.
SHEMP: [ searches around pockets ] I’ve got a little booklet here - “How to Train Your Memory in Five Easy Lessons”!
MOE: [ to Leon ] Pardon me…
[ Moe grabs Leon’s gun away and hits Shemp’s head with it ]
SHEMP: Ooh!
MOE: Quiet! [ gives gun back to Leon ] Thank you.
[ Leon points the gun right in front of Moe’s face ]
MOE: Don’t point!
[ Moe pushes Leon’s hand away from his face, causing Leon to unintentionally point the gun in front of Larry’s face ]
LARRY: Nyuh! [ pushes Leon’s arm down ]
GENERAL: [ to Prof. Sneed ] Perhaps a night in the dungeon will refresh your memory. [ to Cluttz ] Take them away!
CLUTTZ: [ to Prof. Sneed and Daughter ] March… March!!
[ Professor Sneed and his daughter begin walking away ]
[ Captain Rork angrily walks over to the Stooges and grabs Larry by the hair ]
CAPT. RORK: So! You tried to fool me, huh?! Imposters!!
GENERAL: One moment, Captain Rork.
[ Captain Rork turns around and stands in front of the General ]
GENERAL: How stupid of me… Private Rork!
[ The General rips off parts of the shoulder of Captain Rork’s uniform ]
GENERAL: I was in err in giving you this… [ rips Yellow Posset pin off of Capt. Rork’s uniform ] But not this!
[ The General double-slaps Capt. Rork with a glove. Rork grabs the glove from the General, turns around, and double-slaps Larry with it. Larry grabs the glove from Rork, turns around, and double-slaps Moe with it. Moe grabs the glove from Larry, turns around, and double-slaps Shemp with it. Shemp grabs the glove from Moe, turns around, and tries to double-slap the person next to him, but stops when he realizes there’s nobody there. ]
SHEMP: Low man again!
[ Shemp turns around to Moe and is about to slap him with the glove, but Moe quickly slaps Shemp in the face three times ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges alone in the lab nervously walking around in circles. Shemp stops the other two Stooges. ]
SHEMP: Say, Moe… do you think the professor’ll give in?
MOE: Not for us, he won’t. It’s all over but the shootin’!
LARRY: Ohhh!
[ Moe and Larry both walk forward and accidentally bump into each other ]
LARRY: Ooh!
MOE: Why don’t you put out your hand when you go up a side street?!
LARRY: Oh, you mean like this-- [ raises hand and slaps Moe ]
MOE: No, like this-- [ punches Larry in stomach ]
LARRY: Oh!
[ Moe bops Larry on the head ]
LARRY: OOHH!!
MOE: Go on!
[ The Stooges begin walking around in circles and Shemp sticks out his arm. Moe and Larry accidentally bump into each other once again. ]
SHEMP: I got my hand--
LARRY: [ sticks out arm ] I had my hand goin’!
[ The Stooges continue walking around in circles. Shemp stick out both of his arms this time and manages to avoid hitting Moe and Larry until he accidentally slaps Moe when Moe walks past him. ]
SHEMP: What is it here?
MOE: What’s the matta with you?! [ gives Shemp double-handed slap ]
SHEMP: Alright… both hands were out that time.
LARRY: [ passing by ] Beep beep!
SHEMP: Beep!
[ On the floor below the Stooges, Professor Sneed and his daughter are in a jail cell. They both look up at the ceiling and can hear the Stooges’ footsteps. ]
DAUGHTER: That pacing is driving me mad! [ covers ears ]
PROF. SNEED: I wish we could do something to help the poor fellows. I--
[ A guard walks up to the jail cell carrying a tray of food and drinks. He opens the cell with a key and hands the daughter the tray. ]
DAUGHTER: Thank you.
[ The daughter hands the tray over to Professor Sneed as the guard closes the cell and locks it back up. The daughter looks at the guard’s face and notices he looks worried. ]
DAUGHTER: What’s the matter?
GUARD: Oh, I hate to say it, but if you don’t tell the General what he wants to know, this will be your last meal.
DAUGHTER: Oh, I don’t think it’s as bad as all that. Maybe he’s just bluffing.
GUARD: Oh, no, he’s not bluffing! He-- [ holds down head to hide tears ]
DAUGHTER: Oh, you’re awfully sweet to be so concerned about us.
[ With her hand behind her back, the daughter motions Professor Sneed to try to get the keys from the guard’s belt ]
DAUGHTER: [ to the guard ] But you mustn’t worry.
[ The guard smiles ]
DAUGHTER: Aw, you’re so much handsomer when you smile!
GUARD: Aw, shucks! [ smiles more and holds head down ]
DAUGHTER: I knew it! Dimples! [ pinches guard’s cheeks ]
[ Meanwhile, Professor Sneed sticks his hand through the bars and slowly tries to reach the guard’s key on his belt while he’s still talking with the daughter ]
DAUGHTER: You know… you ought to be in pictures. You’d make a wonderful leading man.
[ The guard looks upwards with a proud expression ]
DAUGHTER: I’ll bet your hair is curly.
GUARD: [ takes off hat ] Natural!
DAUGHTER: No!
GUARD: Yes!
DAUGHTER: [ gasps ] It’s beautiful!
[ Professor Sneed manages to grab the key from the guard’s belt ]
GUARD: [ laughs ] Ohhhh, gosh! Well… [ begins walking away ] I gotta go now. Please change your mind, I like talking to you!
[ As the guard turns around, he accidentally bangs his head on a light hanging from the ceiling ]
GUARD: [ looks at Daughter ] I didn’t see--
[ The light bangs the back of the guard’s head ]
GUARD: [ straight-faced ] Didn’t hurt me none.
[ The guard puts his hat back on, then turns around and stiffly begins walking away. As soon as he turns around a corner, he passes out off-camera and a loud crash sound is heard. ]
[ Professor Sneed begins trying to open the cell with the keys ]
DAUGHTER: Wait! [ looks up at ceiling ] We can’t go without them!
[ The daughter stands on top of a bench and begins knocking on the ceiling. On the floor above, the Stooges hear the knocking. ]
MOE: What’s that?
[ The Stooges lean on the floor and press their ears against the floor as the daughter continues knocking in Morse code ]
SHEMP: It’s a message!
MOE: Yes?
SHEMP: In code!
MOE: Yes yes?
SHEMP: I got it!
MOE: What’s it say?
SHEMP: Knock-knock, knock-knock, knock-knock, knock…
[ Moe bops Shemp’s head to the same tune as the knocking code, but he forgets the last knock ]
SHEMP: You left one out.
MOE: Oh, yeah? [ bops Shemp’s head once more ]
SHEMP: OH!
LARRY: Shh!! Shh!! [ presses ear against floor ]
DAUGHTER: [ whispers at ceiling ] Hello up there! We have keys to unlock our cell!
LARRY: [ whispers at floor ] The key? Good. We’ll be right down.
[ Moe reaches over Shemp’s face and grabs Larry’s hair, then lifts him up while using his elbow to lift Shemp up by the chin ]
LARRY: Yaaaaah!!
SHEMP: Oh oh!
LARRY: What’s the matter?!
MOE: Wiseguy! How are we gonna get right down there?!
LARRY: [ points to table ] That rocket stuff! If it’ll burn a hole in the table, it’ll burn a hole in the floor! [ walks to table ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You know, he’s the most intelligent imbecile I ever saw.
SHEMP: Hey! How about me?!
MOE: Oh, you’re much smarter - you’re just an imbecile!
[ Larry returns with the jug of the “rocket fuel” ]
LARRY: Here it is, fellas.
MOE: Get busy and make that hole. We’ll watch the door. [ to Shemp ] Come on.
[ Moe and Shemp walk over to the door as Larry begins pouring the “rocket fuel” in a circle on the floor around him. Moe and Shemp keep looking back at Larry every few seconds. After Larry is finished, smoke begins to rise from the floor around him due to the “rocket fuel”. After a few seconds, the floor under Larry crashes and Larry falls though and lands in Professor Sneed and the daughter’s jail cell below. ]
LARRY: OOHHHHHHH!!
DAUGHTER: Oh!
[ Professor Sneed and the daughter help Larry up ]
[ Moe and Shemp walk over to the hole in the floor and look through ]
DAUGHTER: [ to Larry ] Are you alright??
[ Moe tries to slowly climb down the hole, but he slips and falls down ]
MOE: WHOOOOAAAA!!
[ Moe lands right in front of Larry in the cell and knocks him down ]
[ Back upstairs, the General and Cluttz enter the lab right as Shemp is trying to climb down the hole ]
GENERAL: Seize him!!
[ The General and Cluttz grab Shemp’s upper body and try to pull him back up the hole ]
SHEMP: WHOA!
[ Down in the cell, Moe and Larry see Shemp’s lower body trying to enter down the hole ]
MOE: Come on! That-a-boy! Okay.
[ Moe and Larry try to grab Shemp’s legs as his upper body is being pulled by the General and Cluttz ]
SHEMP: WHHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!! OHHHHHH!
MOE: Why don’cha make up your mind?!
[ Moe and Larry grab Shemp’s legs and try to pull him down the hole ]
SHEMP: NNGGOOOO!!
[ Moe and Larry pull on Shemp’s legs so hard that they manage to stretch his legs down several feet ]
SHEMP: OHHHH!!
[ The General and Cluttz pull harder on Shemp’s hair ]
SHEMP: OOOH!
[ Moe angrily begins twisting Shemp’s foot around in circles ]
MOE: NNNNNNNNNGH!!
[ The General and Cluttz manage to stretch Shemp’s neck upwards several feet as if it’s rubber ]
SHEMP: [ in raspy voice ] My neck! MY NECK!! YOU’RE KILLIN’ ME!! MY NEEEEEEEEEECK!!!
[ Shemp’s foot accidentally kicks Moe in the face ]
MOE: OOH! How do ya like that-- [ bites Shemp’s foot ]
SHEMP: OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
MOE: [ holding Shemp’s foot ] Oh, stubborn, eh?! Why, you--
[ Shemp’s foot accidentally kicks Moe in the face, knocking him backwards ]
MOE: Ooh!
DAUGHTER: Oh! Oh! Oh!
[ Moe grabs Shemp’s foot again and angrily grumbles ]
SHEMP: [ to General and Cluttz ] WAAAIITT!! You’re killin’ me!! I’ll give up!! Let go!!
[ The General and Cluttz release Shemp and he drops into the hole. The General and Cluttz look down into the hole and Shemp reaches up and punches both of them in the face. ]
GENERAL: OOOHH! DOOOOOOHH!!
[ Professor Sneed, the daughter, and the Stooges exit the jail cell just as the guard from before and Leon rush towards them ]
SHEMP: WHOOOOAAA!!
PROF. SNEED AND DAUGHTER: Back, back, back!
[ Professor Sneed, the daughter, and the Stooges rush back inside the jail cell and close it. The guard and Leon grab on to the cell and try to pull it open. ]
ALL STOOGES: Sic-ho!!
[ The Stooges burst the jail cell back open, causing the guard and Leon to get their heads caught in between the cell bars ]
GUARD AND LEON: OHHH!!
[ Professor Sneed, the daughter, Moe, and Larry make their escape and leave the building ]
GUARD: Let me out!
LEON: Call the guard!
GUARD: Don’t let ‘em go!
LEON: Call the guard!!
GUARD: Come back here!
[ Shemp is about to leave with the rest of the group, but he returns to the cell and picks up the jug of “rocket fuel” ]
GUARD: Stop it!
LEON: Halt!
GUARD: Help!
LEON: Halt!
GUARD: Heeellp!
[ Shemp exits the cell and closes the cell door with the guard and Leon’s heads still stuck in between the bars ]
GUARD: HEEEELLLLP!!
SHEMP: What’s the guard’s name?!
[ Shemp kicks the guard and Leon in the behind, then escapes from the building ]
GUARD AND LEON: HEEEEEEEELLLLP!!!
[ Outside the building, Professor Sneed, the daughter, Moe, and Larry rush down the stairs and head towards the jeep ]
LARRY: Quick, get in the jeep!
MOE: We’ll make a dash for it!
[ They enter the jeep and Moe sits at the steering wheel ]
LARRY: Alright, start ‘er up!
[ Moe steps on the pedal, but the jeep won’t start. He looks at the meter and realizes there’s no gas. ]
MOE: It’s empty! We’re cooked!
[ Shemp runs down the stairs to the building ]
SHEMP: Oh, no we ain’t! I got the stuff!! I got the stuff!!
[ Shemp is about to pour the jug of “rocket fuel” into the gas tank of the jeep ]
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute! That ain’t gas!
SHEMP: It may not be gas, but it packs an awful wallop! [ pours “fuel” in gas tank ]
MOE: Ha ha haaaa! [ pats Shemp’s head ]
[ The General, Cluttz, and several soldiers run down the stairs to the building ]
GENERAL: Stop them! Shoot!
SHEMP: WHOOAA!! [ throws jug of “rocket fuel” away ]
LARRY: Aaaah! Come on! Come on!
[ Shemp enters the jeep as the soldiers begin shooting at them ]
[ Moe steps on the pedal and the exhaust pipe of the jeep explodes right in front of the General, Cluttz, and the soldiers, leaving them in nothing but their longjohns ]
[ The jeep quickly takes off down the street as the exhaust pipe continues blowing out lots of smoke and explosion sparks ]
THE END
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