Any Similarity to Persons Living or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (An Anthology of Comic Art, 1979 - 1985)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2009-01-03
[ The short opens with a sign reading “YE OLDE FURNITURE SHOPPE - ANTIQUES MADE WHILE-U-WAITE” while he hear hammering and sawing off-camera ]
[ The camera dissolves to inside the shop, where the Stooges are carpenters at work. Moe is cutting wooden boards in half with a big power saw, Larry is finishing a wooden drawer, and Shemp is working on a wooden highchair. ]
[ Shemp whistles to himself as he places a bowl on the seat of the highchair, then draws a circular outline of the bowl on the seat ]
[ Larry walks up to Moe while holding the wooden drawer he just finished ]
LARRY: Hey, Moe! [ taps Moe’s shoulder ] Moe!
MOE: What?
LARRY: I finished the drawer!
MOE: Well, what do ya want me to do, kiss ya?
LARRY: [ smiles ] Well--
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Go onnnn! [ points to drawer chest ] Put it over there!
[ Larry angrily leaves and walks up to the drawer chest. All of the drawers are in except for one. Larry places his finished drawer halfway inside the empty opening. ]
LARRY: Perfect fit!
[ Larry tries to push the drawer in further, but it won’t go in. He then lifts the drawer a little from the bottom and successfully pushes it all the way in. As soon as the drawer goes inside, the top drawer in front of Larry’s face suddenly pushes itself open and whacks Larry in the head. ]
LARRY: [ holds head ] OOF! Ooh! [ looks at top drawer ] Ohh, stubborn, eh?!
[ Larry pushes the top drawer in, then the drawer beneath pops open and hits Larry in the stomach ]
LARRY: UGH!
[ Larry pushes the open drawer in, then places his hands over that and the top drawer to make sure they don’t pop open. After a few seconds, Larry smiles and then slowly releases his hand. ]
LARRY: Ha ha!
[ As Larry turns around, the top drawer pops open and whacks the back of Larry’s head ]
LARRY: [ holds head ] OOH! [ looks at drawer ] Ohh, yeah?!
[ Larry looks on the table behind him and then pushes the top drawer closed and holds his hand over it. He grabs a nail from the table behind him and holds it up to the side of the drawer. ]
LARRY: I’ll…. close this thing… People think I don’t know what I’m doin’, eh?
[ Larry picks up a hammer and begins banging the nail into the side of the drawer ]
[ Meanwhile, Moe looks up from the wooden board while he’s still sawing on the power blade and sees what Larry is doing. As he’s distracted by Larry, he nearly cuts his hand on the saw blade, but he moves it away at the last second. ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Hey! How ya gonna open-- [ to himself ] With these helpers, I’m helpless!
[ Larry begins hammering a second nail into the drawer ]
MOE: Get the nails outta there, you NITWIT!!
[ Meanwhile, Shemp is laughing to himself as he watches Moe and Larry while hammering on the highchair. He then tries to walk away, but it turns out he accidentally hammered his glove into the chair. He struggles for a while trying to get the glove off, but after a few seconds, he gets frustrated and just pulls his hand out of the glove and leaves the glove stuck to the table. He then picks up a long wooden board and carries it over his shoulder. ]
[ The phone rings ]
SHEMP: I’ll get it!
[ As Shemp walks over to the phone, the wooden board he’s carrying accidentally bangs into the back of Moe’s head, knocking Moe’s face forward at the power saw blade. Moe’s nose gets buzzed by the blade for a few seconds. ]
MOE: OOOOOOOOHH!!
[ Moe holds his nose in pain, then looks back towards Shemp in anger ]
SHEMP: [ on the phone ] Hello? [ pause ] The boss? [ pause ] Just a second.
[ Shemp holds up the phone in his hands ]
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] It’s for you.
[ Shemp tosses the entire phone over to Moe and Moe clumsily catches it ]
MOE: Youuuu… dope!!
[ Moe angrily raises the phone wire in the air and it almost hits Larry, who’s walking by ]
MOE: [ on the phone, cheerily ] Ye Olde Furniture Shoppe! Moe Howard speaking! [ pause ] Oh, Ms. Scudder! How’s every little thing?
MS. SCUDDER: Well, not so good, Mr. Howard. You promised two deliver my furniture two weeks ago... I have three new boarders moving in today and I’ve simply got to have that furniture.
MOE: Now don’t worry your pretty little head. We’ll have all your stuff there before sundown. That’s a promise!
[ Shemp is listening to Moe and smiling and nodding his head in agreement ]
MOE: I hope you’re not mad at me, Ms. Scudder… because I think you’re just about the cutest bunch of curls I’ve ever seen! [ giggles ]
[ Moe moves over a little bit and the phone wire behind him accidentally gets cut in half with the power saw. Shemp notices this and gets a shocked look on his face. He walks up behind Moe. ]
MOE: [ on the phone ] Yeah… you know somethin’? Ms. Scudder, you’re just my type.
[ Shemp picks up one half of the cut phone wire and taps Moe’s shoulder ]
SHEMP: Hey, Moe--
MOE: Shaddup!! [ a beat ] Not you, Ms. Scudder! How’s about you and I--
[ Shemp taps Moe’s shoulder again ]
MOE: [ at Shemp, aggravated ] --havin' dinner tonight!! [ on the phone ] I know a place where they turn out a nifty cheeseburger--
SHEMP: Hey, Moe--
MOE: [ to Shemp ] NNN-NNN-NNNGH!! [ on the phone ] Put on your best bib and tucker.
SHEMP: I--
MOE: [ to Shemp ] DAFFFGHFFGH!!
[ Moe hisses at Shemp’s face, then Shemp pretends to wipe his face off ]
MOE: [ on the phone ] Yeah, we’ll do the town. Don’t forget, kid… [ sing-songy ] we’ve got a date!
SHEMP: [ sing-songy ] No ya ain’t! [ holds up cut phone wire ] Look.
[ Moe does a double-take when he sees the cut wire ]
MOE: Why didn’t ya say somethin’?! [ bangs phone on Shemp’s head ]
SHEMP: OOOH!!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Hey… weasel-brain…
[ Larry is in the middle of painting a wooden board. He stops and looks at Moe. ]
MOE: Change jobs with this button-head!
[ Larry slams the paintbrush down on the table and folds his arms across his chest ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Go onnn!!
[ Moe pushes Shemp towards Larry, and Shemp accidentally steps on Larry’s foot ]
LARRY: OHH!!
MOE: [ on the phone ] Well, goodbye, Ms.-- [ remembers the wire is cut ] Ohhhh! [ angrily slams phone down on floor ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp, in bossy tone ] Boy - glue those boards together! [ looks up, smiles ] What do ya know? I been promoted!
[ Larry walks over to Moe ]
LARRY: Yes, sir?
MOE: Take over. I want that board smooth enough to dance on.
LARRY: Right!
[ Larry takes a scraper and begins scraping it across the wooden board, while Moe bends down and picks up something from the floor. Larry reaches past the end of the board and, not looking carefully, he accidentally scrapes the top of Moe’s head. ]
MOE: OWW OH OH! [ holds head ] OHH OHH OHH! OOOOH!! OOOH!
[ Larry looks at the scraper and pulls out a piece of Moe’s hair that got taken off . Moe stands back up from the floor and sees the hair that Larry’s holding. Larry quickly hides it behind his back. Moe pulls back Larry’s hand and takes the hair from him. ]
MOE: When I want a haircut, I’ll go to a barber shop!
[ Moe takes a scraper and scrapes it across Larry’s forehead ]
LARRY: OOOOWWWWWWW!!
[ Moe looks down at the scraper and sees no hair on it ]
MOE: How do ya like that? I drew a blank! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
LARRY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha--
[ Moe suddenly rips out a scrap of Larry’s hair ]
LARRY: GAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
MOE: [ looks at scrap of Larry’s hair ] That’s no blank! [ hands hair to Larry ] Here, go stuff a mattress! I don’t want no more trouble with you! Go ahead! [ pushes Larry away ]
[ Shemp is painting on a wooden board. He stops and looks closely at the paintbrush. ]
SHEMP: Camel’s hair brush? [ picks off lump of glue ] Hmm, must be the hump!
[ Shemp throws the lump of glue behind him and it goes over Moe’s eye. Moe angrily looks at Shemp, then walks behind him and taps him hard on the shoulder. Shemp turns around and sees the glue lump over Moe’s eye. ]
SHEMP: Glue!
MOE: And you did it. Now you get it open - I can’t!
SHEMP: Okay, hold this.
[ Shemp hands Moe the paintbrush with glue on it and Moe holds it. Shemp takes a pair of pliers and pulls the glue lump off of Moe’s eye. ]
SHEMP: Okay, open your eye.
[ Moe tries to open his eye, but it’s closed shut because of the glue ]
MOE: I still can’t open it! Do somethin’ about it!
SHEMP: Hey… this is pretty serious. [ to Larry ] Hey, Larry, bring the chisel!
MOE: The what?!?
LARRY: [ walks up with chisel ] The chisel. What do ya want with it?
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Ahh, drop it!! Get some proper tools here!
[ Shemp picks up a hammer and Larry picks up a screwdriver ]
MOE: Get this eye open or I’ll annihilate ya!
LARRY: Take it easy now - we know what we’re doin’.
[ Larry places the end of the screwdriver above Moe’s closed eye. Shemp begins banging the hammer against the handle of the screwdriver several times, in an attempt to pry Moe’s eye open. ]
MOE: OH! ... OH! ... OH!
SHEMP: Don’t make any noise - you make me nervous!
MOE: I’ll make you nervous!! [ bangs Shemp and Larry in stomach ] C’mon, get this eye open before I’ll murder ya!
LARRY: Alright, there’s a way…
[ Shemp and Larry each grab a pair of pliers. Shemp grabs the area above Moe’s closed eye with his pliers and Larry grabs the area under Moe’s closed eye with his pliers. Together, they both pull their pliers. ]
MOE: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
[ Moe’s eye finally opens back up. Shemp and Larry smile. ]
SHEMP: How’s that?
MOE: Pretty good… [ suddenly raises hand angrily at Shemp ] Why--
[ Moe looks at his hand and realizes the paintbrush covered with glue is now stuck on his hand ]
MOE: Get that brush off!
SHEMP: [ laughs nervously ] Ohh, yeah, yeah… Steady…
[ Shemp leans one hand against Moe’s forehead and tries pushing him away with it while he pulls Moe’s hand that has the stuck paintbrush towards himself, in an effort to forcefully pull the paintbrush off. ]
SHEMP: Steady now. Just… take it easy.
[ Larry stands next to Shemp, then grabs Moe’s other hand and pulls it towards himself ]
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] Put your hand up a little bit… Hold your hand up!
LARRY: We’ll get it!
[ The paintbrush gets pulled off of Moe’s hand and he goes falling backwards due to Shemp pushing his forehead. Moe lands on the table with the power saw and his behind ends up sitting right in front of the saw, causing his behind to get buzzed by the blade. ]
MOE: WHOOO-OOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOA!!
[ Moe rushes forward in pain and accidentally leans his hands against the wooden board with glue all over it. He then realizes his hand is stuck to the board. ]
LARRY: Are you alright, Moe?
SHEMP: No - he’s stuck again.
MOE: Yeah… with you guys!
[ Moe takes the board that’s glued to his hands and whacks both Larry and Shemp in the stomach with it ]
LARRY: OOH!
SHEMP: OHH!
[ Moe then bangs the board against their heads ]
LARRY AND SHEMP: OHH!!
MOE: Get this thing off or I’ll murder ya!!
LARRY: Alright, alright…
[ Larry and Shemp lean the board stuck to Moe’s hand down on the table ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] Get a hammer.
[ Shemp and Larry each grab a hammer and a nail ]
MOE: What are you guys gonna do???
LARRY: We’ll get it off. We know--
[ Shemp and Larry both hammer a nail into opposite sides of the board ]
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] Alright, now come on. Get back here. Gimme a hand.
[ Shemp and Larry stand behind Moe ]
MOE: Whaddaya gonna do?
[ Shemp and Larry both grab Moe by the hair and pull him upwards several times in an attempt to pull his hands off of the glued board. However, it doesn’t work. ]
MOE: OHHHH!! … OHHHHH!! … OHHHHH!! Ohh, that won’t do it!!
LARRY: That won’t do it!
SHEMP: I’ll get somethin’ else. Go ahead.
[ Shemp picks up a metal scraper and begins cutting Moe’s wrist with it ]
LARRY: That-a-boy! There it is!
MOE: OWW!! OOOH-OOOH! OH!!
[ Shemp quickly stops and puts the scraper away ]
MOE: Murder you!!
SHEMP: Alright…
[ Shemp and Larry both pick back up their hammers, then use the forked end of them and place them between Moe’s hands and the glued board ]
LARRY: Yeah… this might do it…
[ Shemp and Larry both lift the forked end of their hammers upwards, slowly pulling Moe’s hand away from the glued board ]
MOE: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
[ Shemp and Larry look down at Moe’s freed hands ]
LARRY: We did it!
SHEMP: Oh, that’s it!
MOE: Whaddaya know? HA HA HA HA!!
[ Moe suddenly slaps Shemp and Larry with each hand, but then he realizes he can’t get his hand off from their faces due to the glue on his hands ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: Ugh! Ohh! Oh!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with an exterior shot of Ms. Scudder’s house ]
[ The camera dissolves inside the house, where the Stooges are setting down the furniture in the living room. Ms. Scudder walks in and looks at the new furniture. ]
MS. SCUDDER: Well, the furniture’s beautiful, but I… I wanted it stained dark walnut.
MOE: Oh, don’t give that a thought… We’ll do the job right here. [ to Larry ] Hey, bean-brain - open up that walnut stain!
MS. SCUDDER: Well, I hope you do a good job.
MOE: We sure will. You won’t recognize the stuff!
[ Ms. Scudder begins walking away ]
MOE: Oh, Ms. Scudder… [ smiles coyly ] I’m sure glad about you getting them boarders.
MS. SCUDDER: Oh… I can use that money, alright, with my tax bill coming to you. I almost had to sell the family heirlooms.
[ Ms. Scudder walks out of the living room and as soon as she enters the front hallway, a man grabs her by the arm ]
MS. SCUDDER: [ gasps ] Mr. Pip!
MR. PIP: [ whispers ] Pipe down! What’s goin’ on in there?
MS. SCUDDER: Why… it’s just the men with the furniture. They won’t disturb you.
MR. PIP: They’d better not. Me and my friends like complete quiet and we don’t like strangers.
[ The phone rings. Ms. Scudder goes over to answer it, but Mr. Pip reaches it before she does. ]
MR. PIP: That’s for me. I’m expecting a call. [ picks up phone ] Hello? [ pause ] Yeah, speakin’. [ to Ms. Scudder ] Beat it.
[ Ms. Scudder looks at Mr. Pip angrily, then walks away in fear ]
MR. PIP: [ on the phone ] Okay, Steve, what’s the dope?
[ The camera cuts over to two gangsters who are on the other line ]
STEVE: The jewelry store deal went off okay, Jerry. Boy, you should’ve seen that old guy shake with the gat in his ribs!
MR. PIP: [ annoyed ] Never mind reminiscing… Grab a cab. I’ll wait for you here.
[ Mr. Pip hangs up the phone, then looks around suspiciously and walks away ]
[ Back in the living room, Moe is pouring paint out of a can into a small bucket. He looks over and notices Shemp trying to paint the cuckoo clock. Every time the cuckoo bird pops out quickly, Shemp keeps trying to paint it but he’s too late each time. ]
SHEMP: Hmm!
[ Moe gets an angry look on his face and walks over to Shemp ]
MOE: Loafin’ on the job, eh?
SHEMP: Whaddaya mean “loafin’”? I gotta finish paintin’ the cuckoo… and he won’t be out again until 4:00!
MOE: I’ll take care of that.
[ Moe moves the arms on the clock an hour forward so that it’s 4:00. The cuckoo bird pops out again every few seconds, but Shemp continues to keep missing it with his paintbrush. ]
SHEMP: Hmm! I’ll move it to 12:00 and paint him from head to toe!
MOE: Never mind - we got a real job on our hands with that table. Come on! [ walks away ]
SHEMP: [ looks closely at clock ] Mmm!
[ Suddenly, the cuckoo bird pops back out, spits some paint in Shemp’s eye, then pops back inside the clock ]
SHEMP: How do ya like that?! He gimme the drippins!
[ Shemp struggles to clean the paint off of his eye ]
MOE: All hands to the table!!
LARRY: Aye-aye! All hands to the table!
[ Shemp walks forward, and not being able to see where he’s going because of the paint over his eye, he bumps into Moe and pushes Moe forward ]
[ All the Stooges run up to the table their going to paint and Moe and Larry bump into each other ]
MOE: [ grabs Larry’s hair ] Get around here!
[ Moe pulls Larry over to one part of the table, then walks over to another part of the table. All the Stooges are talking over each other during this. ]
[ Larry is painting one edge of the table, while Moe is bent over in front of him, painting one of the table legs. Larry accidentally paints on Moe’s behind. Moe looks up angrily, then looks back at Larry as Larry cluelessly continues to paint on his behind. ]
MOE: Hey!!
LARRY: Uh… oh, quite unintentional, old boy!
MOE: Yeah, well watch it!
[ Larry cringes ]
[ As Moe bends back forward, Shemp accidentally paints across Moe’s head ]
MOE: That goes for you, to--
[ Moe looks back and notices that Larry is accidentally painting across Moe’s hand which is resting on the table ]
MOE: What’s the matta with you?!?
[ Moe tries to continue painting the table leg, but Shemp accidentally paints across his face ]
MOE: DNNGH!
[ Larry accidentally paints across Moe’s leg ]
MOE: Mmmm!!
[ Moe lifts his foot up behind him and smacks Larry in the chin ]
LARRY: OHHH!!
MOE: [ to Shemp ] That’s the way you g--
[ Shemp accidentally paints across Moe’s mouth ]
MOE: ALALALALLL! Why, you!!
[ Moe grabs Shemp and they both stand up ]
MOE: Does my head look like hard wood?!
SHEMP: Well--
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] Awww!
SHEMP: I didn’t say it did!
MOE: Well, ya thought it!
SHEMP: Well, I’m sorry, Moe. Will ya shake hands?
[ Shemp holds out his hand, not knowing that he has a wet paintbrush in it ]
MOE: Okay.
[ Without looking, Moe shakes Shemp’s hand, then looks down in surprise and notices the wet paintbrush in his hand ]
MOE: Again!
SHEMP: [ laughs nervously ] Heh… well...
MOE: [ slaps Shemp with wet paintbrush ] What’s the matta with you?!? Clean up that face!
SHEMP: Alright… clean yours up!
[ Moe and Shemp both angrily wipe the wet paint off of their faces ]
[ Ms. Scudder enters the room with a tray of sandwiches and coffee ]
MS. SCUDDER: You boys have been working so hard, I thought I’d fix you a bite to eat. [ places tray on table ]
MOE: Oh, that’s wonderful, Ms. Scudder!
[ Ms. Scudder smiles and then leaves ]
LARRY: Oh, boy, eats! Let’s snack off!
MOE: We ain’t got time. We gotta eat while we work! Come on!
LARRY: [ mumbles ] Alright…
[ The Stooges each grab a sandwich and a mug of coffee and walk back to the table they were painting ]
MOE: Now this time for a change, get some stain on the table!
[ The Stooges continue painting the table. Larry unknowingly dips his paintbrush into Moe’s cup of coffee and paints the table with it. Moe notices and gets upset. ]
MOE: Hey, imbecile! Don’cha know what you’re doin’ to my coffee?!
LARRY: Oh, I’m sorry! [ hands Moe his coffee ] Here, take mine - I don’t use it…
[ Shemp briefly stops painting the bottom of the table, reaches up, and takes a bite from his sandwich. Then he continues painting. A few seconds later, he stops again, reaches up, grabs the paintbrush and, thinking it’s his sandwich, takes a bite from it. After a while, he realizes he’s eating a paintbrush, then in a panic, he stands up and spits the brush pieces out of his mouth. He quickly picks up a small paint bucket and drinks from it, thinking it’s his cup of coffee. After he realizes what he drank, he jumps up in surprise and accidentally splashes paint from the bucket all over Moe’s face. Moe begins wiping his face. ]
MOE: Clean me up with a--
[ Shemp and Larry rush over to Moe ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] What did you do, you--
MOE: Clean me up!
[ Larry and Shemp wipe Moe’s face with their used paint rags, unintentionally getting even more paint over Moe’s face ]
LARRY: There ya are, don’t worry. Don’t worry your little pretty head! There, we--
MOE: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
[ Moe realizes the other two are “cleaning” him up with a dirty rag ]
MOE: [ sarcastically ] Heh ha ha ha ha ha--
[ Moe suddenly punches Shemp and Larry in the stomachs, then bops their heads ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!
MOE: Get outta here! Go on, finish up that table while I clean off this mess! You, imbeciles, you!
[ Moe begins to walk away while not looking ahead, and he trips over a duffel bag in the middle of the floor and almost falls over. He leaves the living room. ]
SHEMP: Uh-oh… [ looks at radio ] I wonder how the third race came out in Jamaica.
[ Larry and Shemp walk over to the radio and Larry turns it on ]
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Flash! Two armed bandits held up employees of the Hendrix Jewelry Store this afternoon and escaped with loot estimated at $50,000.
[ Mr. Pip’s two assistants who he spoke to on the phone earlier enter the house through the front hallway and stop when they overhear the radio announcer from the living room ]
RADIO ANNOUNCER: A $5,000 reward is offered for information leading to the capture of the two men.
LARRY: $5,000??
RADIO ANNOUNCER: That’s right!
[ Larry and Shemp look at the radio in surprise ]
RADIO ANNOUNCER: One man is 6’2, heavily built, and has a scar on his left cheek. The other is of medium height and weight, age about 30, and wore a brown suit and hat. One moment please…
[ The robbers walk into the living room behind Shemp and Larry without them noticing. Steve pulls out a gun. ]
SHEMP: 6’2, heavily built, and a scar on his left cheek… Oh, if I can only get my hands on him.
[ Shemp looks behind him and sees the robbers ]
SHEMP: Hi! I-- [ does a double-take ]
STEVE: Get away from there!
[ Larry and Shemp raise their arms in the air and nervously back away ]
ROBBER #3: Bump ‘em off, Steve - I think they’re a couple of flat-feet!
STEVE: No, go get Jerry, I’ll take care of these guys.
[ Steve hands Robber #3 the duffel bag on the middle of the floor ]
ROBBER #3: If they try any tricks, let ‘em have it. [ leaves ]
STEVE: [ to Shemp and Larry ] Now behave yourself, and you won’t get into any trouble.
[ Steve is about to sit down on a freshly-painted chair ]
SHEMP: Hey, you’d better not - that’s got--
STEVE: Shut up and sit down!
[ Shemp and Larry nervously sit down while still raising their arms in the air ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: Ohh!
[ In another room, Ms. Scudder is tied to a chair with a handkerchief over her mouth as Mr. Pip is stealing jewelry from her drawer ]
MR. PIP: We’ve enjoyed our brief stay here, Ms. Scudder… and thanks for the tip about the family heirlooms.
[ Mr. Pip closes the drawer and leaves the room ]
[ Back in the living room, Moe walks in and trips over the duffel bag on the floor once again ]
MOE: Aahh! [ picks up bag ] How you guys--
[ Moe looks around for Shemp and Larry and sees them sitting down raising their arms in the air. Shemp nervously points to Steve, who’s across from Moe still pointing a gun at Shemp and Larry. Moe doesn’t notice him. ]
MOE: Oh… what’s the big idea always sittin’ down?! Here… [ pulls out jewelry bracelet from duffel bag ] Take this scraper…
[ Moe looks down and notices the “scraper” is actually jewelry ]
STEVE: [ points gun at Moe ] Stick ‘em up!!
[ Steve tries to stand up out of his chair, but realizes he’s stuck to it because of the wet paint ]
MOE: NYAAAH-AAAH-AAAH!
[ As Steve struggles trying to stand up, Moe takes the duffel bag and whacks Steve on the head with it. Steve falls over forward and fires his gun in the air in front of him. ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: WHOA!
[ Shemp and Larry get out of their chairs and try to cover their heads as Steve continues firing randomly in front of him while trying to get out of the chair ]
MOE: WHOA! WHOA! [ to Shemp and Larry ] Come on, hey! We’re in a nest of crooks! Come on!
[ The Stooges quickly run out of the living room and as soon as they enter the front hallway, they run into the Mr. Pip and Robber #3 ]
ALL STOOGES: WHOOOOAAA!
[ The Stooges run back into the living room as Mr. Pip and Robber #3 chase them. Inside the living room, the Stooges knock over a table and enter a room with sliding doors. Robber #3 tries to enter, but the Stooges close the sliding doors right with his head in between. ]
[ Shemp goes over to a table behind him and picks up a plate ]
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute!! Don’t use that… it’s got a crack in it! [ hands Shemp another plate ] Here.
[ Larry takes off Robber #3’s hat. Shemp and Larry politely bow towards each other, then Shemp smashes the dish over Robber #3’s head, knocking him dizzy. ]
[ In the living room, Mr. Pip is struggling to pull the chair off of Steve’s behind while Steve is trying to run forward. The seat of Steve’s pants rip off and Steve suddenly goes falling forwards and crashes over a chair. ]
[ The Stooges open back up the sliding doors and push Robber #3 further back into the living room. He bumps into Mr. Pip and Steve, and they all crash to the ground. ]
[ In the room Ms. Scudder was tied in, she manages to free herself from the ropes and stands up. As she is about to exit the room, she notices she left the iron on the ironing board and it’s burning through the clothes she was ironing. She picks up the steaming hot iron and heads towards the front hallway. ]
[ In the living room, Mr. Pip and Steve struggle to open the sliding door to the room the Stooges are in, but the Stooges are trying to hold it shut. Steve manages to stick his hand inside between the sliding door crack and he grabs Moe by the back of the head. ]
MOE: Nyaaah-aaaaah!
[ Steve repeatedly bangs the back of Moe’s head into the door ]
MOE: OHH! ... OHH! ... OHH!
[ Shemp grabs a plate and Moe eagerly points to Steve’s hand which is holding Moe’s head ]
MOE: Go ahead!
[ Shemp swings the plate forward and smashes it over Steve’s hand and Moe’s head, knocking Moe dizzy and hurting Steve’s hand ]
STEVE: [ pulls hand out of door crack ] OHHH-HHHH!! [ to Mr. Pip ] Go around the other way!
[ Mr. Pip leaves the living room and heads towards the back entrance to the room the Stooges are in ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Hey, head ‘im off!
[ From outside the room, Ms. Scudder tries to enter the back entrance of the room the Stooges are in, but Shemp closes it shut on her, thinking she’s Mr. Pip ]
MS. SCUDDER: AHH!
[ Mr. Pip walks up behind Ms. Scudder and pushes her away ]
MR. PIP: Outta the way, sister!
[ Ms. Scudder looks at the hot iron in her hand, then looks at Mr. Pip angrily. As Mr. Pip is pushing the door trying to open it, she burns Mr. Pip’s behind with the iron. ]
MR. PIP: OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
[ Mr. Pip leans heavily against the door to the Stooges’ room and ends up crashing the door down accidentally ]
MOE: NYAAAAAH!
[ Moe and Larry let go of the sliding doors that Steve is trying to get into through the living room, causing Steve to suddenly fall backwards and trip over a chair ]
[ Ms. Scudder rushes out of the house, in search for police ]
[ Moe and Larry run through the sliding doors as Mr. Pip gets up from the floor with a gun in his hand. He tries to follow them, but Moe and Larry shut the sliding doors on Pip’s hand. Shemp walks up behind Pip and kicks him in the behind. ]
MR. PIP: AAH!
SHEMP: Ha ha--
[ Shemp suddenly stops laughing and runs away in fear ]
SHEMP: AAAH! MOE!! OHHHH!!
[ Mr. Pip is moving around the gun in his hand that is stuck in between the sliding doors. He points the gun towards Moe. ]
MOE: WHOOO-OOOO-OOOOA!
[ Moe moves Mr. Pip’s hand away from his face. Mr. Pip struggles to move his hand around and he ends up pointing the gun at Larry’s face. ]
LARRY: AAAH--
[ Larry quickly ducks and Mr. Pip pulls the trigger. The gun ends up firing across the room and shoots Steve in the behind. Steve falls over and passes out on the floor. ]
[ Moe and Larry manage to push Mr. Pip’s hand back into the room he’s in, then Moe reaches over and pulls the trigger on the gun in Pip’s hand, firing it inside Pip’s room. Pip’s hand suddenly drops the gun inside the room the Stooges are in and he falls down. Moe picks up the gun. ]
LARRY: Congratulations!
[ Moe unintentionally shakes Larry’s hand with the gun ]
LARRY: AAHH!
[ Larry looks back at the sliding doors ]
MOE: [ whispers ] See if anybody’s there.
[ Larry slowly opens the sliding door and peeks into the room. Out of nowhere, Mr. Pip’s fist swings forward and punches Larry in the face. ]
LARRY: OHHHH!! [ closes sliding doors ] He’s alive!!
MOE: NYAAAAH!
[ Moe and Larry run away ]
[ In the front hallway, Shemp picks up the iron on the floor. He sees Robber #3 staggering out of the living room drapes, holding his head in pain. Shemp panics and throws the iron towards Robber #3. The robber ducks suddenly, revealing Moe behind him. The iron hits Moe right in the face. At first, Moe has no reaction.]
MOE: [ with frozen expression ] You know, you shouldn’t have--
[ Suddenly Moe reacts to the hit and he passes out backwards into the living room. Shemp runs up to his feet, which are sticking out of the living room drapes. ]
SHEMP: I’m sorry, Moe! I didn’t mean it! Speak to me, kid, speak to--
[ Suddenly, Moe gets pulled up inside the living room by Mr. Pip and Robber #3 ]
MR. PIP: [ off-camera ] Horn in, will ya?!
[ Punching sounds are heard ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Cut it out!!
MR. PIP: [ off-camera ] I’ll teach you!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Take it easy!
[ Inside the room, Mr. Pip and Robber #3 are punching Moe and Larry repeatedly ]
MOE: OOHHHHHHHH!!!
LARRY: OHH! OH!! HEY!! OH!! HEY!!
[ Meanwhile, Shemp stands on top of a chair outside the living room drapes and places a bucket of paint on top of the drapes ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] OOOH, YOU’RE KILLIN’ ME!! CUT IT OUT!!
MOE: [ off-camera ] I’M A CITIZEN!
[ Shemp rigs up a rope tied to a wooden board next to the bucket on top of the drapes. He then gets off of the chair, grabs the iron again, and stands next to the living room drapes, waiting for the robbers to exit. ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] SHEMP!! HELP!! SHEMP!!! HELP!!!
MOE: [ off-camera ] MURDER!!
[ A knock is heard on the front door ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] HELP!!!
MOE: [ off-camera ] POLICE!! OOOH! HEY! OOOH!!! WHAT’S THE MATTA WITH YA?!
[ As Shemp goes to open the front door, the police barge inside and the door accidentally pushes Shemp into a corner. One cop pulls Shemp out from the corner. ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] OHH!
MS. SCUDDER: Where are they?!
[ Shemp points to the living room and tries to speak, but he’s dazed from getting knocked into the corner ]
SHEMP: Ooh… ehmm…
LARRY: [ off-camera ] HEY!!
[ Inside the living room, Mr. Pip and Robber #3 finally stop punching Moe and Larry, yet Moe and Larry's heads continue to jerk backwards repeatedly as if they’re still being punched. They then look at each other, stop jerking their heads backwards, and then shake their heads “no”. Suddenly, they start running towards the living room exit. ]
MOE: WHHOOO-OOOO-OOOOOA!!
[ Mr. Pip and the robber grab Moe and Larry as the enter the front hallway where the cops, Shemp, and Ms. Scudder are ]
MS. SCUDDER: Oh, there they are!!
[ Mr. Pip and the robber point a gun at the cops ]
MR. PIP: On side, coppers! We’re gettin’ outta here.
[ Moe and Larry reach behind themselves and the robbers and pull down the living room exit drapes, covering their and robbers’ heads with it. Shemp rushes over with the iron and bangs the robbers’ heads over the drapes. ]
MOE: Alright, clean up the mess, officer.
[ As Larry comes out from under the drapes, Shemp bangs him on the head with the iron, thinking he’s one of the robbers. ]
LARRY: OHHH!
SHEMP: What are ya doin’ here?
MOE: [ holds up duffel bag ] We got the sparklers right here!
[ The cops drag Mr. Pip and Robber #3 into the living room ]
LARRY: There’s another skunk in that room!
MOE: Ha ha ha ha!
MS. SCUDDER: Oh, you boys were wonderful!
MOE: I wouldn’t say that… just excellent!
LARRY: I was great, wasn’t I?
MOE: You?! [ pulls Larry's hair ] Get ouuut!
SHEMP: We really didn’t need the cops - all I had to do was pull this here rope…
[ Shemp pulls down the rope tied to the wooden board on top of the living room drapes. The paint bucket on top falls off and lands over Moe’s head. Moe pulls the bucket off of his paint-soaked head. ]
SHEMP: Ohh… I’m sorry, Moe!
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] You’re sorry?!
LARRY: Yeah…
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] What are you--
LARRY: Wait a minute!
MOE: Get outta here - I’ll crown the both of ya!
SHEMP: Wait a minute--
[ Moe swings the paint bucket backwards and hits Larry’s head with it, then swings the bucket forwards and hits Shemp’s head with it ]
SHEMP: OH!
THE END
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