Three Stooges, The (An Illustrated History, From Amalgamated Morons to American Icons)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2002-09-16
BLUNDER BOYS
ALMA MATTER....Angela Stevens
WATTS D. MATTER....Frank Sully
F.B. EYE....Kenneth MacDonald
THE EEL....Benny Rubin
BEUATICIAN....Barbera Bartay
Short opens with Moe, Larry, and Shemp standing in front of a brick wall. Moe is speaking on a phone, and Larry and Shemp have their backs turned to the camera. The “Dragnet†music stars playing in the background, then we hear a police siren in the background. Moe hangs up the phone, then turns to the camera.
MOE: That’s the police car. Half the time, it’s our home and our office. The three of us work together; we’re cops.
Larry and Shemp face the camera.
MOE: (holding up his badge to the camera) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holding up a shamrock) I’m St. Patrick’s Day! Hee, hee, hee, hee!
MOE: When we first started out, I never thought we’d be three fingers on the arm of the law. (holds up his index finger) I’m the first finger.
LARRY: (holds up his middle finger) I’m the second finger.
SHEMP: (holds up his pinky, with a sad look on his face) I’m the hangnail! (crying)
MOE: (pushing Shemp away) Quiet, mongoose! (to the camera) He always interrupts. These are the facts. Nothin’ but the facts. It happened several years ago. At that time, we were in the army – right in the midst of a rough, tough battle. We were surrounded, fightin’ for our lives. We were fighting a rearguard action – the only action we knew how to fight...
Scene cuts over to the beginning of the flashback, with the boys as army soldiers fighting a battle in the army.
LARRY: (trying to get his rifle to fire) My rifle’s jammed!
MOE: (putting his rifle down) Hey, fellas! We gotta knock out that machine gun nest, they got us pinned down!
LARRY: (crawling over to the side) I’m quittin! I''m hungry! You carry on without me.
Larry sits down to rest, and takes off his army helmet. Camera cuts back over to Moe and Shemp still fighting in the battle. A bomb shell flies over to their side and knocks Shemp’s helmet off of his head. The helmet goes flying in the air, and then lands right on Larry’s head, putting him into a daze.
LARRY: ...Gotta...knock out the machine gun nest... (starts staggering away)
Camera cuts over to Shemp, who just now realizes that his helmet is missing. He then looks over and sees it in a puddle of mud. He picks it up and just as he’s about to put it over his head, a whole bunch of mud inside of the hat splashes over his head.
SHEMP: (slapping his head) OHHH!
Camera cuts back over to the dazed Larry.
LARRY: (digging through his pockets) Gotta eat an apple, I’m hungry... (pulls out an apple from his pocket) An apple! (takes a bite out of the apple, and then spits it back out) Too soft! (throws the apple away, then digs in his pocket again) Gotta...knock out the machine gun... (pulls out a hand grenade) Oh, another apple! (bites on the hand grenade and pulls the pin out with his teeth) Eh, too hard! (throws the hand grenade off-camera, followed by an explosion; a whole bunch of soot from the explosion falls on Larry) It’s rainin’! Just my luck...
Camera cuts back over to Moe and Shemp.
MOE: He did it!
SHEMP: C’mon!
Moe and Shemp run over to Larry.
SHEMP: O’boy, ya did it! Ya did it!
MOE: Larry, old boy, you knocked the machine gun nest out cold! Single-handed! You’re a hero! Oh boy, oh boy!
SHEMP: We’ll be promoted for this!
Moe and Shemp pat Larry on the back in congratulations as Larry snaps out of his daze.
LARRY: (looking around) Hey, what are we doin’ out here??? A guy can get killed! Run for yer life!
Larry runs off-camera, and Moe and Shemp look at each other in confusion. Camera cuts over to Larry jumping into a mud puddle to hide, and mud goes flying everywhere. A drenched Larry gets up from the mess, spitting mud out of his mouth.
Flashback scene ends and we go back to present time, with Moe polishing his gun. The “Dragnet†music plays in the background. Moe then looks up at the camera
MOE: (holding up his badge) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holding up a “Pork Sausage†card) I’m Groundhog Day! Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee! Hee, hee...
Moe pushes Shemp away.
MOE: (to the camera) When we got out of the army, we decided to go to college. We were natural born detectives, so we took up the study of Criminology.
Scene cuts over to the flashback, where we see a close-up of a desk reading “Alma Matter, registrarâ€. Camera pans upwards and we see a woman at the desk, reading through some papers, and Moe, Larry, and Shemp are standing besides her desk.
ALMA MATTER: I see you’ve decided to major in Criminology.
MOE: That’s right, ma’am. All we want is the facts, ma’am.
SHEMP: We chose Criminology because it’s scientific!
LARRY: Indeed! In the lexicon of crime, it is theoretically propounded that passion, inhibition, and delinquency are the major contributing factors.
MOE: Not to mention corruption of mind, detestations, and schizophrenia, if I may be so...sesquipedalian.
SHEMP: A jerk with the quirk may do the work. OR, a turk with a dirk may stick a clerk. (to Moe) Good desoc?
MOE: Very periphrastic!
MOE AND SHEMP: (kissing each other on the face) Viva! Viva!
LARRY: Viva? Viva? Good.
Moe and Larry kiss each other on the face.
LARRY: (saluting) Viva!
MOE: (saluting) Viva. Viva!
ALMA MATTER: Gentlemen! (the Stooges listen) The registration fee will be twenty-five dollars.
LARRY: Coming right up!
Larry puts his right leg up onto Alma Matter’s desk and pulls up his pant leg. He reveals a long stocking he’s wearing, and pulls out a few bucks from there. Camera cuts over to Shemp, who opens up his suit coat and reveals quarter barrel. Camera cuts over to Moe, who pulls a large mouse trap out from his pants. There’s some money inside of the trap. Moe safely opens up the trap, then pulls out a few bucks. When he’s done, he sets the trap back on again, and puts the trap back in his pants.
LARRY: (handing Alma Matter a few dollar bills) There you are!
MOE: (also handing her some bills) There you are!
SHEMP: (dropping a whole bunch of coins on her desk) And there you are!
The Stooges each help Alma Matter put all of the coins in her money chest.
SHEMP: (handing Alma Matter a paper) Here’s a transferal. That’s in case I wanna transfer to another class! Hee, hee, hee, hee...
MOE: Quiet, titmouse! (nosehonks Shemp)
SHEMP: (holding his nose) OOH!!!
ALMA MATTER: Thank you, gentlemen. By the way, I conduct some of the classes in Criminology myself. I think you’ll find it very interesting.
LARRY: I’m interested already!
SHEMP: Me, too! (rubs his hand under Alma Mater’s chin) Eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-ebb!
ALMA MATTER: (getting up from her desk) Pardon me, gentlemen. I’ll be right back. (leaves the room)
Shemp and Larry follow Alma Matter, whistling like wolves, before Moe grabs both of them back in the room by there hair.
SHEMP AND LARRY: OW! OW! OW!
MOE: I toldja to lay off!
Camera cuts over to the office door of the dean, Watts D. Matter, opening up and the dean coming inside of the room. We go back to the Stooges.
MOE: The next time ya do that, I’ll whack ya right in the head, like that! (slaps Shemp)
LARRY: Waitaminnit, leave ‘im alone...
MOE: (slapping Larry) Cut it out!
Larry looks behind the Stooges and notices the dean opening the money chest and looking through it. Larry points him out to Moe and Shemp.
LARRY: A burglar!
MOE: Nail ‘im!
Shemp and Larry run up to the dean and grab him by the neck, and Moe grabs his arm.
WATTS D. MATTER: (gasps) OH!!
MOE: Drop that money!
SHEMP: Put that dough down!
The dean puts the money back in the chest. Alma Matter runs back in the room.
ALMA MATTER: What in the world are you doing???
MOE: I toldja we were natural born detectives. We caught this crook robbing ya.
ALMA MATTER: You fools! He’s my father, the dean of this college!
STOOGES: NYAAAAH!
The boys release the poor dean, who then goes over to Alma Matter and she comforts him.
MOE: (to Larry and Shemp) Don’t you two imbeciles know a gentleman when you see one? (double slaps them)
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!
MOE: (holding out his fist) See that?
SHEMP: Aww...
Shemp slaps Moe’s fist down and it bounces back up and bops Larry on the head.
LARRY: OWWW! (holds out fist) See that?
Moe slaps that fist down, and Larry’s other fist shoots up and bops Shemp on the head.
SHEMP: OOH! (holds out fist) See that?
Moe slaps that fist up into Shemp’s forehead.
SHEMP: (crying) OOH!
MOE: Now...you guys prepare for 81-C!
LARRY AND SHEMP: Not that! Not 81-C!
MOE: (extending both arms forward towards Larry and Shemp, with each hand holding out the eyepoking fingers) 81- C! Go!!!
Shemp and Larry have no choice, so they obey Moe’s orders and each run into one of Moe’s hands, eyepoking themselves.
SHEMP AND LARRY: Oh! Oh! Oh!!
Flashback stops and we go back to present time, where we see Moe chewing gum, not noticing that the camera is on him. Some music plays in the background to cue Moe, and he looks up at the camera in shock.
MOE: Oh! (holding up his badge) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (wearing a New Years hat and decorations and holding a New Years horn) I’m New Years day! (starts blowing the horn and then stops when an angry Moe walks up to him)
MOE: (to the camera) By this time, we were well along with our Criminology studies. One day, we were receiving private instructions from Alma Matter...
The flashback continues and the scene takes place inside of a school classroom. We see Shemp and Larry sitting down, listening as Alma Matter is giving her lecture. Moe is standing next to her.
ALMA MATTER: When placing handcuffs on a criminal, it must be done quickly; the speed being in the wrist. I’ll show you.
Moe holds out his right arm and Alma Matter snaps the handcuffs on his wrist, then locks it.
ALMA MATTER: I have to leave early today and I want you boys to practice for about an hour. And I’ll see you in the morning. (leaves the room)
SHEMP: Alright, teacher.
MOE: (to Larry and Shemp) Alright, c’mon. Let’s get started.
Larry grabs a pair of handcuffs. Shemp holds out his left arm and Moe locks the other end of the handcuff on own right arm onto Shemp’s wrist.
LARRY: (excited) Let me try it! (snaps one end of the handcuffs he’s holding onto Moe’s left wrist and then locks it) Ha, ha! Do it to me.
MOE: (taking the other end of the handcuffs) Sure, I’ll do it to you. (snaps the other end of the handcuffs onto Larry’s right wrist) Beep! (locks the handcuffs) There!
LARRY: Good.
MOE: Now, lets it up and try it again. (to Larry) Gimme the key.
LARRY: (searching his pockets) ...She forgot to give us the key!!!
SHEMP: (yelling out towards the door) Hey! Hey!
MOE: Hey, she ain’t comin’ back until tomorrow morning! How do ya like that?
LARRY: Well, we gotta get outta here!
The boys mess around, unsuccessfully trying to get themselves out of the handcuffs and end up tangling up themselves even more.
LARRY: Wait a minute!
MOE: Easy, easy!
LARRY: Now wait! I know, I know, I know! Down, fellahs! Down, boy! -- Waitaminnit!
MOE: (pushing his arms down) C’mon, get down outta hea!
All of the Stooges fall on the ground. As Larry gets back up, a leg presses onto his face.
LARRY: OHHHH! (grabs the leg) ‘Ey! (bites the leg, then cries in pain) OWWWW! Oh, that’s my own leg!!
The Stooges roll around on the ground until they suddenly crash into a table holding a vase. The vase falls off the shelf and crashes onto Moe’s head. We hear cuckoo birds chirping as Moe makes a dazed face. Moe shakes his head and then snaps out of the daze.
MOE: Hey, c’mon! Get up! Get up!
The Stooges all stand up from the ground.
MOE: (looking off-screen) Hey, I got an idea! (to Shemp and Larry) Follow me.
Together, the handcuffed Moe, Larry, and Shemp walk over to a table.
MOE: (to Shemp, pointing to an axe in a glass case) Go on, get that axe, butcher!
SHEMP: (mumbling) Alright...
Shemp grabs the axe from the case and the Stooges places their handcuffed arms on the table.
MOE: Bring it over here and chop this handcuff.
SHEMP: Alright. (swinging the axe behind him) One...two...
Shemp swings the axe too far back and the back of it stabs him in the behind.
SHEMP: OHHHH! OH, A DOG BIT ME! AHHHHH!
MOE: Oh, get around here! (taking the axe) I’ll do it. C’mon.
Moe aims the axe towards the handcuffs but he misses and ends up chopping the table in half instead. The Stooges crash to the ground.
SHEMP: OOH! OOH! OH!
The boys get up from the floor.
SHEMP: (picking up the axe) This cockeyed axe!! (throws the axe behind him and it sticks in to a wall) I’ll get this... (starts yanking his part of the handcuffs.
LARRY: Quit yer yankin’, you!
Shemp ends up pulling too far back and he falls back, pulling Moe and Larry with him. They crash onto the wall with the axe stuck in it. The back of the axe gets dug into Shemp’s behind.
SHEMP: OHHHHHH!
MOE: What’s the matter?
SHEMP: I’m stuck! Get away, get away! I’m stuck!
MOE: Take it easy!
Moe and Larry grab Shemp by the waist and pull his rare end out of the back of the axe.
SHEMP: (rubbing his behind in pain) Now I’ll have to eat standing up!
The flashback stops and we go back to present time. Moe is lighting up a cigar. Suddenly, a worm sticks out of the front end of the cigar and Moe looks at it in confusion. Music plays in the background, which cues Moe that he’s on camera.
MOE: (holding up his badge to the camera) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holds up a stocking and a mini Christmas tree) I’m Christmas Day! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells...
Larry walks up and snatches the stocking out of Shemp’s hand, then whacks him on the head with it.
SHEMP: OHHH! (to Larry) I’ll tell Santy Claus on you!
Larry shushes Shemp and they both walk over behind Moe.
MOE: (to the camera) Well, we finished our courses in Criminology.
LARRY: And we graduated.
SHEMP: ...With the lowest possible honors!
MOE: Now we were ready for our first case. Yep, our first case...
LARRY: Make mine gin!
SHEMP: Make mine “cham-pay-neeâ€! Yum, yum...
Moe bops Shemp and Larry behind them without even turning around.
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!
We go back to the Stooges flashback. This one starts off with a close-up of a desk title reading “F.B. Eye, captainâ€. Camera pans over and we see F.B. Eye sitting at his desk as the Stooges are standing next to his desk.
F.B. EYE: Boys, I want you to pay strict attention.
STOOGES: Yes, yes?
F.B. EYE: There’s a robber by the name of “The Eelâ€. A slippery cuss.
STOOGES: Yes, yes?
F.B EYE: He masquerades as a woman, but he smokes cigars.
STOOGES: Yes, yes?
F.B. EYE: We have a tip he’s going to hold up the Biltless Hotel tonight at eight o’clock. Stake out and get ‘im.
STOOGES: Yes, yes?
F.B. EYE: Now if you fail, you’re through!
STOOGES: Yes, yes...No, no! We’ll get ‘im.
F.B. EYE: The only clue we have is this cigar butt. (holds up a cigar butt) That’s his brand. (gives the cigar butt to the Stooges) Now get busy. (gets up from this desk and leaves the room)
MOE: (holding the cigar butt) Let’s examine this cigar. Shemp, what does it say? (hands the cigar butt over to Moe)
SHEMP: (reading off of it) “L-A-S-Tâ€; Last. “I-Nâ€; In. “K- A-D-O-R-Aâ€; Kadora. “Last in Kadoraâ€.
MOE: Now lemme see that. (grabs back the cigar butt and examines it) No, no, ya nitwit! It’s “La Stinkadoraâ€! C’mon, bloodhound, you gotta track ‘im down. Use your nose. (puts the cigar butt under Shemp’s nose) Smell it.
Shemp gets a funny look on his face.
MOE: Got it?
SHEMP: And how!
Shemp passes out and Larry catches him.
MOE: (grabbing Shemp) C’mon over here, get started!
The scene ends and we go over to an outside shot of the Biltless Hotel. Camera cuts to an interior shot of the hotel lobby, and the Stooges are asleep on a couch and loudly snoring. Camera shows a close-up of a clock which says seven thirty. The scene dissolves and now the clock says eight o’clock. The Stooges are still loudly snoring. Camera cuts over to another shot of the lobby and we see The Eel, dressed as a woman, holding up the hotel clerk. All of a sudden, we hear an alarm clock ring and the Stooges wake up. Moe pulls the alarm clock out of his pants.
LARRY: (pointing at The Eel) Hey, there he is! Get ‘im!
The Eel quickly runs out of the lobby. The Stooges begin to chase him, but Shemp accidentally bumps into a waiter carrying a food plate. The plate goes crashing into the ground. Shemp walks back and looks at the spilt food.
SHEMP: Oh, a drumstick! (picks up a drumstick and begins eating it) Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Moe and Larry walk back into the lobby.
MOE: (to Shemp) Hey, imbecile!
SHEMP: Oh, that’s me!
Shemp walks up to Moe, still eating the drumstick.
MOE: (pointing to the drumstick) What’s that?
SHEMP: Oh, a drumstick.
MOE: (taking the drumstick from Shemp) Oh... (suddenly smacks Shemp across the face with it) C’mon! Let’s get...
Moe grabs Shemp and then the Stooges leave the lobby. The flashback stops there and we go back to present time. Moe is now lighting up a gigantic pipe in his mouth. The cue music plays in the background and Moe turns to the camera.
MOE: (holding up his badge) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holding a lit dynamite stick) I’m Independence Day! (holds the lit dynamite off-camera and shuts his eyes in anticipation of the explosion. After a few seconds, the dynamite does nothing) Fooled ya, didn’t I? Ha, ha...
Suddenly, the dynamite actually does explode. Smoke covers the screen. As the smoke clears, we see Shemp bring back up the exploded dynamite stick on-camera.
SHEMP: Fooled me, too! (crying) Ohhh! Ho, ho, ho...
Moe walks over to Shemp and gives him a slap on the face, pushing him off-camera.
MOE: (to the camera) That Eel was a slippery one. We trailed him to a room upstairs.
We go back to the flashback, which continues with the Stooges busting down the doors to one of the hotel rooms. They’re each carrying a gun.
MOE: (voice-over) We burst the door open and rushed in.
MOE: Come out!
LARRY: Come out!
SHEMP: (singing) ...Wherever you are!
Suddenly, The Eel comes up from behind a shelf and pulls a gun on the Stooges.
THE EEL: Get ‘em!
The Stooges halt and raise their hands in the air.
THE EEL: (holding out a bag) Put yer guns in there! Get ‘em in there!
The Stooges each place their gun in the bag.
THE EEL: And DON’T make any phony moves...or I’ll blow yer brains out! (crawling out onto the balcony outside the window) I’ll be watchin’ ya all the time.
The Eel leaves on the balcony, and the Stooges are left in the room, still holding their arms up in the air. Suddenly, we hear rattling noises.
MOE: Hey, somebody’s rattling dice.
SHEMP: Ohh, that’s my knees!
Camera cuts to a shot of The Eel jumping into the hallway through a window. He then heads towards the “Swimming Pool†room. Camera cuts back over to the Stooges and they’re going to the balcony to chase The Eel.
MOE: Go ahead, get goin’!
The Stooges walk around on the balcony, then crawl inside of the window to the hallway.
MOE: He’s in here someplace. Look around, see what you can find.
SHEMP: (saluting) Yes, sir...(accidentally slaps Moe on the head)
MOE: OOH!
Shemp is about to walk down one end of the hallway, but then spots a woman in a bathing suit walking past the Stooges.
SHEMP: (excited) Oh boy, I found somethin’! (walks after the woman)
MOE: (grabbing Shemp) C’mere! Why don’t you cut it out??? (nosehonks Shemp)
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: (pointing to the door that leads to a ladies’ Turkish bath) Hey, let’s look in there.
The Stooges walk inside of a room and then spot all the ladies laying down, wearing nothing but towels.
LARRY: Well, I guess he didn’t come in he...
The ladies look over at the Stooges, and then start screaming.
STOOGES: WHOOAAA!
The Stooges head for the nearby closet and hide inside of it.
MOE: A fine kettle of fish...we’re in a ladies’ Turkish bath.
LARRY: (looking over at some towel sheets) Well, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Use these sheets.
MOE: We’ll disguise as girls!
The Stooges begin putting on the towels and some make-up. The scene dissolves and we now see the Stooges walking out of the closet, dressed up as women to fool the other ladies.
LARRY: (speaking in a feminine voice) Moella, shall we take a sunbath?
MOE: (speaking in a feminine voice) No, no, Larrietta! Let us take a scramola!
SHEMP: (speaking in a feminine voice) Not me, I wanna linger with the rest of the girls. (looking at one woman) You dear, you!
MOE: (in his real voice) STOOGE!
SHEMP: (turning back to Moe) What?
MOE: (slapping Shemp) What’s the matta with you...
Shemp’s towel falls off, revealing his suit beneath it. The ladies realize that they’re men and start screaming again. The Stooges run away in fear. Larry crawls out of the window, Shemp runs out of the room, and Moe takes off into the next room. Camera cuts inside of the room that Moe walks in, which he thinks is empty. There’s a beautician standing behind him who he doesn’t notice.
MOE: (to himself) Uh-uh...
BEAUTICIAN: (to Moe) Mrs. Cohen?
MOE: Uh...(speaking in a feminine voice again) Yes, darling!
BEAUTICIAN: I’ve been expecting you. You’re just in time for your appointment. Now sit right down here...(seats Moe down)...and we’ll get the mudpack right on. (puts a towel over Moe’s chest) I love your bangs!
MOE: Thank you, darli...
The beautician suddenly begins caking Moe’s face with mud.
MOE: MMPH!
The scene dissolves and we now see the beautician heating up a towel. When she’s done, she walks over to Moe who''s face is filled with mud from the mud job, and then wraps the burning hot towel around his face.
MOE: OOWWWWW!!!! YA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA! AAAGH!!!
Scene cuts over to Larry walking outside of the window. He’s tip-toeing on the narrow ledge and is facing the window. The then turns around and does a double take when he realizes how high up his is.
LARRY: AAAUUUUUUGH!!!
Larry grabs onto the window and begins to crawl inside of it. He sees a belt inside of a room.
LARRY: Oh boy, a safety belt. (starts wrapping the belt around his waist) I better get outta here!
Larry finishes wrapping the belt around his waist then as reaches inside the room to crawl in, he accidentally presses a button that causes the belt he’s wearing to shake like crazy.
LARRY: (shaking) AAAGGGGGH!!!!
Camera cuts over to Shemp walking inside of an exercise room. Suddenly, The Eel peers out from behind a horse vault and points a gun at Shemp.
SHEMP: Hello, I...(does a double take) Oh!!
THE EEL: Alright, copper! (pointing towards an electronic horse) Get over there! Get up on that horse!
SHEMP: I’ve never been on a horse...
THE EEL: Get up on that horse! Don’t give me none of your blip!
Shemp sits on the horse vault.
THE EEL: Now, brother, you’re goin’ fer a ride! (turns the electronic horse lever on all the way up to “Gallop†and the machine starts shaking) There ya go! (leaves the room)
SHEMP: GET ME OFF!!! GET ME OFF! AAAAAAAGH! MOE, HELP!!!! (trying the pull the lever) I gotta stop this somehow! (accidentally breaks the lever off of the machine) Ohh!
The machine starts shaking even crazier, throwing Shemp all the way up to the ceiling. Shemp’s head smashes through the ceiling, and he’s stuck up there for a few seconds until he pulls himself down.
SHEMP: (falling down) AAAHHHHH!
Shemp crashes onto the ground, a whole bunch of broken wood from the hole in the ceiling falls over him. The flashback ends and we now return to present time. Moe, Larry, and Shemp, all dressed in overalls, are looking into the camera.
MOE: Well, that Eel was slippery. We didn’t get him, but we got the gate. By the way, (holding up his pick) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his shovel) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holding up his shovel) I’m Labor Day!
LARRY: And with us now, everyday is Labor Day.
MOE: Right, so let’s labor!
The Stooges start digging around the dirt on the floor. Moe swings his pick back and accidentally pokes Larry in the behind with it.
LARRY: OOOWWWWW!!!!
Larry turns over to Moe and throws the dirt in his shovel in Moe’s face.
MOE: (grabbing hold of Shemp’s shovel) Why you...
LARRY: Heh, heh...
Moe bashes Larry in the face with the shovel, and then smashes it on Larry’s head. Larry staggers around dazedly.
MOE: Hold still there, you...
Moe takes a hammer and a stamp out of his pocket and begins banging away on Larry’s forehead. When Moe’s done, he walks away, and Larry staggers over to the camera. We see that he has “VII ½ - The End†imprinted on his forehead.
THE END
ALMA MATTER....Angela Stevens
WATTS D. MATTER....Frank Sully
F.B. EYE....Kenneth MacDonald
THE EEL....Benny Rubin
BEUATICIAN....Barbera Bartay
Short opens with Moe, Larry, and Shemp standing in front of a brick wall. Moe is speaking on a phone, and Larry and Shemp have their backs turned to the camera. The “Dragnet†music stars playing in the background, then we hear a police siren in the background. Moe hangs up the phone, then turns to the camera.
MOE: That’s the police car. Half the time, it’s our home and our office. The three of us work together; we’re cops.
Larry and Shemp face the camera.
MOE: (holding up his badge to the camera) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holding up a shamrock) I’m St. Patrick’s Day! Hee, hee, hee, hee!
MOE: When we first started out, I never thought we’d be three fingers on the arm of the law. (holds up his index finger) I’m the first finger.
LARRY: (holds up his middle finger) I’m the second finger.
SHEMP: (holds up his pinky, with a sad look on his face) I’m the hangnail! (crying)
MOE: (pushing Shemp away) Quiet, mongoose! (to the camera) He always interrupts. These are the facts. Nothin’ but the facts. It happened several years ago. At that time, we were in the army – right in the midst of a rough, tough battle. We were surrounded, fightin’ for our lives. We were fighting a rearguard action – the only action we knew how to fight...
Scene cuts over to the beginning of the flashback, with the boys as army soldiers fighting a battle in the army.
LARRY: (trying to get his rifle to fire) My rifle’s jammed!
MOE: (putting his rifle down) Hey, fellas! We gotta knock out that machine gun nest, they got us pinned down!
LARRY: (crawling over to the side) I’m quittin! I''m hungry! You carry on without me.
Larry sits down to rest, and takes off his army helmet. Camera cuts back over to Moe and Shemp still fighting in the battle. A bomb shell flies over to their side and knocks Shemp’s helmet off of his head. The helmet goes flying in the air, and then lands right on Larry’s head, putting him into a daze.
LARRY: ...Gotta...knock out the machine gun nest... (starts staggering away)
Camera cuts over to Shemp, who just now realizes that his helmet is missing. He then looks over and sees it in a puddle of mud. He picks it up and just as he’s about to put it over his head, a whole bunch of mud inside of the hat splashes over his head.
SHEMP: (slapping his head) OHHH!
Camera cuts back over to the dazed Larry.
LARRY: (digging through his pockets) Gotta eat an apple, I’m hungry... (pulls out an apple from his pocket) An apple! (takes a bite out of the apple, and then spits it back out) Too soft! (throws the apple away, then digs in his pocket again) Gotta...knock out the machine gun... (pulls out a hand grenade) Oh, another apple! (bites on the hand grenade and pulls the pin out with his teeth) Eh, too hard! (throws the hand grenade off-camera, followed by an explosion; a whole bunch of soot from the explosion falls on Larry) It’s rainin’! Just my luck...
Camera cuts back over to Moe and Shemp.
MOE: He did it!
SHEMP: C’mon!
Moe and Shemp run over to Larry.
SHEMP: O’boy, ya did it! Ya did it!
MOE: Larry, old boy, you knocked the machine gun nest out cold! Single-handed! You’re a hero! Oh boy, oh boy!
SHEMP: We’ll be promoted for this!
Moe and Shemp pat Larry on the back in congratulations as Larry snaps out of his daze.
LARRY: (looking around) Hey, what are we doin’ out here??? A guy can get killed! Run for yer life!
Larry runs off-camera, and Moe and Shemp look at each other in confusion. Camera cuts over to Larry jumping into a mud puddle to hide, and mud goes flying everywhere. A drenched Larry gets up from the mess, spitting mud out of his mouth.
Flashback scene ends and we go back to present time, with Moe polishing his gun. The “Dragnet†music plays in the background. Moe then looks up at the camera
MOE: (holding up his badge) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holding up a “Pork Sausage†card) I’m Groundhog Day! Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee! Hee, hee...
Moe pushes Shemp away.
MOE: (to the camera) When we got out of the army, we decided to go to college. We were natural born detectives, so we took up the study of Criminology.
Scene cuts over to the flashback, where we see a close-up of a desk reading “Alma Matter, registrarâ€. Camera pans upwards and we see a woman at the desk, reading through some papers, and Moe, Larry, and Shemp are standing besides her desk.
ALMA MATTER: I see you’ve decided to major in Criminology.
MOE: That’s right, ma’am. All we want is the facts, ma’am.
SHEMP: We chose Criminology because it’s scientific!
LARRY: Indeed! In the lexicon of crime, it is theoretically propounded that passion, inhibition, and delinquency are the major contributing factors.
MOE: Not to mention corruption of mind, detestations, and schizophrenia, if I may be so...sesquipedalian.
SHEMP: A jerk with the quirk may do the work. OR, a turk with a dirk may stick a clerk. (to Moe) Good desoc?
MOE: Very periphrastic!
MOE AND SHEMP: (kissing each other on the face) Viva! Viva!
LARRY: Viva? Viva? Good.
Moe and Larry kiss each other on the face.
LARRY: (saluting) Viva!
MOE: (saluting) Viva. Viva!
ALMA MATTER: Gentlemen! (the Stooges listen) The registration fee will be twenty-five dollars.
LARRY: Coming right up!
Larry puts his right leg up onto Alma Matter’s desk and pulls up his pant leg. He reveals a long stocking he’s wearing, and pulls out a few bucks from there. Camera cuts over to Shemp, who opens up his suit coat and reveals quarter barrel. Camera cuts over to Moe, who pulls a large mouse trap out from his pants. There’s some money inside of the trap. Moe safely opens up the trap, then pulls out a few bucks. When he’s done, he sets the trap back on again, and puts the trap back in his pants.
LARRY: (handing Alma Matter a few dollar bills) There you are!
MOE: (also handing her some bills) There you are!
SHEMP: (dropping a whole bunch of coins on her desk) And there you are!
The Stooges each help Alma Matter put all of the coins in her money chest.
SHEMP: (handing Alma Matter a paper) Here’s a transferal. That’s in case I wanna transfer to another class! Hee, hee, hee, hee...
MOE: Quiet, titmouse! (nosehonks Shemp)
SHEMP: (holding his nose) OOH!!!
ALMA MATTER: Thank you, gentlemen. By the way, I conduct some of the classes in Criminology myself. I think you’ll find it very interesting.
LARRY: I’m interested already!
SHEMP: Me, too! (rubs his hand under Alma Mater’s chin) Eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-ebb!
ALMA MATTER: (getting up from her desk) Pardon me, gentlemen. I’ll be right back. (leaves the room)
Shemp and Larry follow Alma Matter, whistling like wolves, before Moe grabs both of them back in the room by there hair.
SHEMP AND LARRY: OW! OW! OW!
MOE: I toldja to lay off!
Camera cuts over to the office door of the dean, Watts D. Matter, opening up and the dean coming inside of the room. We go back to the Stooges.
MOE: The next time ya do that, I’ll whack ya right in the head, like that! (slaps Shemp)
LARRY: Waitaminnit, leave ‘im alone...
MOE: (slapping Larry) Cut it out!
Larry looks behind the Stooges and notices the dean opening the money chest and looking through it. Larry points him out to Moe and Shemp.
LARRY: A burglar!
MOE: Nail ‘im!
Shemp and Larry run up to the dean and grab him by the neck, and Moe grabs his arm.
WATTS D. MATTER: (gasps) OH!!
MOE: Drop that money!
SHEMP: Put that dough down!
The dean puts the money back in the chest. Alma Matter runs back in the room.
ALMA MATTER: What in the world are you doing???
MOE: I toldja we were natural born detectives. We caught this crook robbing ya.
ALMA MATTER: You fools! He’s my father, the dean of this college!
STOOGES: NYAAAAH!
The boys release the poor dean, who then goes over to Alma Matter and she comforts him.
MOE: (to Larry and Shemp) Don’t you two imbeciles know a gentleman when you see one? (double slaps them)
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!
MOE: (holding out his fist) See that?
SHEMP: Aww...
Shemp slaps Moe’s fist down and it bounces back up and bops Larry on the head.
LARRY: OWWW! (holds out fist) See that?
Moe slaps that fist down, and Larry’s other fist shoots up and bops Shemp on the head.
SHEMP: OOH! (holds out fist) See that?
Moe slaps that fist up into Shemp’s forehead.
SHEMP: (crying) OOH!
MOE: Now...you guys prepare for 81-C!
LARRY AND SHEMP: Not that! Not 81-C!
MOE: (extending both arms forward towards Larry and Shemp, with each hand holding out the eyepoking fingers) 81- C! Go!!!
Shemp and Larry have no choice, so they obey Moe’s orders and each run into one of Moe’s hands, eyepoking themselves.
SHEMP AND LARRY: Oh! Oh! Oh!!
Flashback stops and we go back to present time, where we see Moe chewing gum, not noticing that the camera is on him. Some music plays in the background to cue Moe, and he looks up at the camera in shock.
MOE: Oh! (holding up his badge) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (wearing a New Years hat and decorations and holding a New Years horn) I’m New Years day! (starts blowing the horn and then stops when an angry Moe walks up to him)
MOE: (to the camera) By this time, we were well along with our Criminology studies. One day, we were receiving private instructions from Alma Matter...
The flashback continues and the scene takes place inside of a school classroom. We see Shemp and Larry sitting down, listening as Alma Matter is giving her lecture. Moe is standing next to her.
ALMA MATTER: When placing handcuffs on a criminal, it must be done quickly; the speed being in the wrist. I’ll show you.
Moe holds out his right arm and Alma Matter snaps the handcuffs on his wrist, then locks it.
ALMA MATTER: I have to leave early today and I want you boys to practice for about an hour. And I’ll see you in the morning. (leaves the room)
SHEMP: Alright, teacher.
MOE: (to Larry and Shemp) Alright, c’mon. Let’s get started.
Larry grabs a pair of handcuffs. Shemp holds out his left arm and Moe locks the other end of the handcuff on own right arm onto Shemp’s wrist.
LARRY: (excited) Let me try it! (snaps one end of the handcuffs he’s holding onto Moe’s left wrist and then locks it) Ha, ha! Do it to me.
MOE: (taking the other end of the handcuffs) Sure, I’ll do it to you. (snaps the other end of the handcuffs onto Larry’s right wrist) Beep! (locks the handcuffs) There!
LARRY: Good.
MOE: Now, lets it up and try it again. (to Larry) Gimme the key.
LARRY: (searching his pockets) ...She forgot to give us the key!!!
SHEMP: (yelling out towards the door) Hey! Hey!
MOE: Hey, she ain’t comin’ back until tomorrow morning! How do ya like that?
LARRY: Well, we gotta get outta here!
The boys mess around, unsuccessfully trying to get themselves out of the handcuffs and end up tangling up themselves even more.
LARRY: Wait a minute!
MOE: Easy, easy!
LARRY: Now wait! I know, I know, I know! Down, fellahs! Down, boy! -- Waitaminnit!
MOE: (pushing his arms down) C’mon, get down outta hea!
All of the Stooges fall on the ground. As Larry gets back up, a leg presses onto his face.
LARRY: OHHHH! (grabs the leg) ‘Ey! (bites the leg, then cries in pain) OWWWW! Oh, that’s my own leg!!
The Stooges roll around on the ground until they suddenly crash into a table holding a vase. The vase falls off the shelf and crashes onto Moe’s head. We hear cuckoo birds chirping as Moe makes a dazed face. Moe shakes his head and then snaps out of the daze.
MOE: Hey, c’mon! Get up! Get up!
The Stooges all stand up from the ground.
MOE: (looking off-screen) Hey, I got an idea! (to Shemp and Larry) Follow me.
Together, the handcuffed Moe, Larry, and Shemp walk over to a table.
MOE: (to Shemp, pointing to an axe in a glass case) Go on, get that axe, butcher!
SHEMP: (mumbling) Alright...
Shemp grabs the axe from the case and the Stooges places their handcuffed arms on the table.
MOE: Bring it over here and chop this handcuff.
SHEMP: Alright. (swinging the axe behind him) One...two...
Shemp swings the axe too far back and the back of it stabs him in the behind.
SHEMP: OHHHH! OH, A DOG BIT ME! AHHHHH!
MOE: Oh, get around here! (taking the axe) I’ll do it. C’mon.
Moe aims the axe towards the handcuffs but he misses and ends up chopping the table in half instead. The Stooges crash to the ground.
SHEMP: OOH! OOH! OH!
The boys get up from the floor.
SHEMP: (picking up the axe) This cockeyed axe!! (throws the axe behind him and it sticks in to a wall) I’ll get this... (starts yanking his part of the handcuffs.
LARRY: Quit yer yankin’, you!
Shemp ends up pulling too far back and he falls back, pulling Moe and Larry with him. They crash onto the wall with the axe stuck in it. The back of the axe gets dug into Shemp’s behind.
SHEMP: OHHHHHH!
MOE: What’s the matter?
SHEMP: I’m stuck! Get away, get away! I’m stuck!
MOE: Take it easy!
Moe and Larry grab Shemp by the waist and pull his rare end out of the back of the axe.
SHEMP: (rubbing his behind in pain) Now I’ll have to eat standing up!
The flashback stops and we go back to present time. Moe is lighting up a cigar. Suddenly, a worm sticks out of the front end of the cigar and Moe looks at it in confusion. Music plays in the background, which cues Moe that he’s on camera.
MOE: (holding up his badge to the camera) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holds up a stocking and a mini Christmas tree) I’m Christmas Day! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells...
Larry walks up and snatches the stocking out of Shemp’s hand, then whacks him on the head with it.
SHEMP: OHHH! (to Larry) I’ll tell Santy Claus on you!
Larry shushes Shemp and they both walk over behind Moe.
MOE: (to the camera) Well, we finished our courses in Criminology.
LARRY: And we graduated.
SHEMP: ...With the lowest possible honors!
MOE: Now we were ready for our first case. Yep, our first case...
LARRY: Make mine gin!
SHEMP: Make mine “cham-pay-neeâ€! Yum, yum...
Moe bops Shemp and Larry behind them without even turning around.
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!
We go back to the Stooges flashback. This one starts off with a close-up of a desk title reading “F.B. Eye, captainâ€. Camera pans over and we see F.B. Eye sitting at his desk as the Stooges are standing next to his desk.
F.B. EYE: Boys, I want you to pay strict attention.
STOOGES: Yes, yes?
F.B. EYE: There’s a robber by the name of “The Eelâ€. A slippery cuss.
STOOGES: Yes, yes?
F.B EYE: He masquerades as a woman, but he smokes cigars.
STOOGES: Yes, yes?
F.B. EYE: We have a tip he’s going to hold up the Biltless Hotel tonight at eight o’clock. Stake out and get ‘im.
STOOGES: Yes, yes?
F.B. EYE: Now if you fail, you’re through!
STOOGES: Yes, yes...No, no! We’ll get ‘im.
F.B. EYE: The only clue we have is this cigar butt. (holds up a cigar butt) That’s his brand. (gives the cigar butt to the Stooges) Now get busy. (gets up from this desk and leaves the room)
MOE: (holding the cigar butt) Let’s examine this cigar. Shemp, what does it say? (hands the cigar butt over to Moe)
SHEMP: (reading off of it) “L-A-S-Tâ€; Last. “I-Nâ€; In. “K- A-D-O-R-Aâ€; Kadora. “Last in Kadoraâ€.
MOE: Now lemme see that. (grabs back the cigar butt and examines it) No, no, ya nitwit! It’s “La Stinkadoraâ€! C’mon, bloodhound, you gotta track ‘im down. Use your nose. (puts the cigar butt under Shemp’s nose) Smell it.
Shemp gets a funny look on his face.
MOE: Got it?
SHEMP: And how!
Shemp passes out and Larry catches him.
MOE: (grabbing Shemp) C’mon over here, get started!
The scene ends and we go over to an outside shot of the Biltless Hotel. Camera cuts to an interior shot of the hotel lobby, and the Stooges are asleep on a couch and loudly snoring. Camera shows a close-up of a clock which says seven thirty. The scene dissolves and now the clock says eight o’clock. The Stooges are still loudly snoring. Camera cuts over to another shot of the lobby and we see The Eel, dressed as a woman, holding up the hotel clerk. All of a sudden, we hear an alarm clock ring and the Stooges wake up. Moe pulls the alarm clock out of his pants.
LARRY: (pointing at The Eel) Hey, there he is! Get ‘im!
The Eel quickly runs out of the lobby. The Stooges begin to chase him, but Shemp accidentally bumps into a waiter carrying a food plate. The plate goes crashing into the ground. Shemp walks back and looks at the spilt food.
SHEMP: Oh, a drumstick! (picks up a drumstick and begins eating it) Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Moe and Larry walk back into the lobby.
MOE: (to Shemp) Hey, imbecile!
SHEMP: Oh, that’s me!
Shemp walks up to Moe, still eating the drumstick.
MOE: (pointing to the drumstick) What’s that?
SHEMP: Oh, a drumstick.
MOE: (taking the drumstick from Shemp) Oh... (suddenly smacks Shemp across the face with it) C’mon! Let’s get...
Moe grabs Shemp and then the Stooges leave the lobby. The flashback stops there and we go back to present time. Moe is now lighting up a gigantic pipe in his mouth. The cue music plays in the background and Moe turns to the camera.
MOE: (holding up his badge) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his badge) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holding a lit dynamite stick) I’m Independence Day! (holds the lit dynamite off-camera and shuts his eyes in anticipation of the explosion. After a few seconds, the dynamite does nothing) Fooled ya, didn’t I? Ha, ha...
Suddenly, the dynamite actually does explode. Smoke covers the screen. As the smoke clears, we see Shemp bring back up the exploded dynamite stick on-camera.
SHEMP: Fooled me, too! (crying) Ohhh! Ho, ho, ho...
Moe walks over to Shemp and gives him a slap on the face, pushing him off-camera.
MOE: (to the camera) That Eel was a slippery one. We trailed him to a room upstairs.
We go back to the flashback, which continues with the Stooges busting down the doors to one of the hotel rooms. They’re each carrying a gun.
MOE: (voice-over) We burst the door open and rushed in.
MOE: Come out!
LARRY: Come out!
SHEMP: (singing) ...Wherever you are!
Suddenly, The Eel comes up from behind a shelf and pulls a gun on the Stooges.
THE EEL: Get ‘em!
The Stooges halt and raise their hands in the air.
THE EEL: (holding out a bag) Put yer guns in there! Get ‘em in there!
The Stooges each place their gun in the bag.
THE EEL: And DON’T make any phony moves...or I’ll blow yer brains out! (crawling out onto the balcony outside the window) I’ll be watchin’ ya all the time.
The Eel leaves on the balcony, and the Stooges are left in the room, still holding their arms up in the air. Suddenly, we hear rattling noises.
MOE: Hey, somebody’s rattling dice.
SHEMP: Ohh, that’s my knees!
Camera cuts to a shot of The Eel jumping into the hallway through a window. He then heads towards the “Swimming Pool†room. Camera cuts back over to the Stooges and they’re going to the balcony to chase The Eel.
MOE: Go ahead, get goin’!
The Stooges walk around on the balcony, then crawl inside of the window to the hallway.
MOE: He’s in here someplace. Look around, see what you can find.
SHEMP: (saluting) Yes, sir...(accidentally slaps Moe on the head)
MOE: OOH!
Shemp is about to walk down one end of the hallway, but then spots a woman in a bathing suit walking past the Stooges.
SHEMP: (excited) Oh boy, I found somethin’! (walks after the woman)
MOE: (grabbing Shemp) C’mere! Why don’t you cut it out??? (nosehonks Shemp)
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: (pointing to the door that leads to a ladies’ Turkish bath) Hey, let’s look in there.
The Stooges walk inside of a room and then spot all the ladies laying down, wearing nothing but towels.
LARRY: Well, I guess he didn’t come in he...
The ladies look over at the Stooges, and then start screaming.
STOOGES: WHOOAAA!
The Stooges head for the nearby closet and hide inside of it.
MOE: A fine kettle of fish...we’re in a ladies’ Turkish bath.
LARRY: (looking over at some towel sheets) Well, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Use these sheets.
MOE: We’ll disguise as girls!
The Stooges begin putting on the towels and some make-up. The scene dissolves and we now see the Stooges walking out of the closet, dressed up as women to fool the other ladies.
LARRY: (speaking in a feminine voice) Moella, shall we take a sunbath?
MOE: (speaking in a feminine voice) No, no, Larrietta! Let us take a scramola!
SHEMP: (speaking in a feminine voice) Not me, I wanna linger with the rest of the girls. (looking at one woman) You dear, you!
MOE: (in his real voice) STOOGE!
SHEMP: (turning back to Moe) What?
MOE: (slapping Shemp) What’s the matta with you...
Shemp’s towel falls off, revealing his suit beneath it. The ladies realize that they’re men and start screaming again. The Stooges run away in fear. Larry crawls out of the window, Shemp runs out of the room, and Moe takes off into the next room. Camera cuts inside of the room that Moe walks in, which he thinks is empty. There’s a beautician standing behind him who he doesn’t notice.
MOE: (to himself) Uh-uh...
BEAUTICIAN: (to Moe) Mrs. Cohen?
MOE: Uh...(speaking in a feminine voice again) Yes, darling!
BEAUTICIAN: I’ve been expecting you. You’re just in time for your appointment. Now sit right down here...(seats Moe down)...and we’ll get the mudpack right on. (puts a towel over Moe’s chest) I love your bangs!
MOE: Thank you, darli...
The beautician suddenly begins caking Moe’s face with mud.
MOE: MMPH!
The scene dissolves and we now see the beautician heating up a towel. When she’s done, she walks over to Moe who''s face is filled with mud from the mud job, and then wraps the burning hot towel around his face.
MOE: OOWWWWW!!!! YA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA! AAAGH!!!
Scene cuts over to Larry walking outside of the window. He’s tip-toeing on the narrow ledge and is facing the window. The then turns around and does a double take when he realizes how high up his is.
LARRY: AAAUUUUUUGH!!!
Larry grabs onto the window and begins to crawl inside of it. He sees a belt inside of a room.
LARRY: Oh boy, a safety belt. (starts wrapping the belt around his waist) I better get outta here!
Larry finishes wrapping the belt around his waist then as reaches inside the room to crawl in, he accidentally presses a button that causes the belt he’s wearing to shake like crazy.
LARRY: (shaking) AAAGGGGGH!!!!
Camera cuts over to Shemp walking inside of an exercise room. Suddenly, The Eel peers out from behind a horse vault and points a gun at Shemp.
SHEMP: Hello, I...(does a double take) Oh!!
THE EEL: Alright, copper! (pointing towards an electronic horse) Get over there! Get up on that horse!
SHEMP: I’ve never been on a horse...
THE EEL: Get up on that horse! Don’t give me none of your blip!
Shemp sits on the horse vault.
THE EEL: Now, brother, you’re goin’ fer a ride! (turns the electronic horse lever on all the way up to “Gallop†and the machine starts shaking) There ya go! (leaves the room)
SHEMP: GET ME OFF!!! GET ME OFF! AAAAAAAGH! MOE, HELP!!!! (trying the pull the lever) I gotta stop this somehow! (accidentally breaks the lever off of the machine) Ohh!
The machine starts shaking even crazier, throwing Shemp all the way up to the ceiling. Shemp’s head smashes through the ceiling, and he’s stuck up there for a few seconds until he pulls himself down.
SHEMP: (falling down) AAAHHHHH!
Shemp crashes onto the ground, a whole bunch of broken wood from the hole in the ceiling falls over him. The flashback ends and we now return to present time. Moe, Larry, and Shemp, all dressed in overalls, are looking into the camera.
MOE: Well, that Eel was slippery. We didn’t get him, but we got the gate. By the way, (holding up his pick) I’m Halliday.
LARRY: (holding up his shovel) I’m Tarriday.
SHEMP: (holding up his shovel) I’m Labor Day!
LARRY: And with us now, everyday is Labor Day.
MOE: Right, so let’s labor!
The Stooges start digging around the dirt on the floor. Moe swings his pick back and accidentally pokes Larry in the behind with it.
LARRY: OOOWWWWW!!!!
Larry turns over to Moe and throws the dirt in his shovel in Moe’s face.
MOE: (grabbing hold of Shemp’s shovel) Why you...
LARRY: Heh, heh...
Moe bashes Larry in the face with the shovel, and then smashes it on Larry’s head. Larry staggers around dazedly.
MOE: Hold still there, you...
Moe takes a hammer and a stamp out of his pocket and begins banging away on Larry’s forehead. When Moe’s done, he walks away, and Larry staggers over to the camera. We see that he has “VII ½ - The End†imprinted on his forehead.
THE END
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