BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

Dunrobin · **on:** January 11, 2005, 03:20:14 PM

Presciption Drugs

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!? That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Lola-Lou · **Reply #1 on:** January 12, 2005, 01:33:53 PM

Oh......Man!

Another knee slapper from Dunrobin. Maybe there needs to be a forum for bad/blond jokes.

Dunrobin · **Reply #2 on:** January 12, 2005, 04:25:13 PM

LAWYER JOKES:

Q: What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.

Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?
A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The diphthong.

Today's installment was inspired by the following news story:

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 · Last updated 11:53 a.m. PT

Pair arrested for telling lawyer jokes

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. -- Did you hear the one about the two guys arrested for telling lawyer jokes?

It happened this week to the founders of a group called Americans for Legal Reform, who were waiting in line to get into a Long Island courthouse.

"How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?" Harvey Kash reportedly asked Carl Lanzisera.

"His lips are moving," they said in unison.

While some waiting to get into the courthouse giggled, a lawyer farther up the line Monday was not laughing.

He told them to pipe down, and when they did not, the lawyer reported the pair to court personnel, who charged them with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor.

"They just can't take it," Kash said of lawyers in general. "This violates our First Amendment rights."

Dan Bagnuola, a spokesman for the Nassau County courts, said the men were "being abusive and they were causing a disturbance." He said he did not have the name of the lawyer who complained.

Americans for Legal Reform monitors the courts and uses confrontational tactics to push for greater access for the public. The pair said that for years they have stood outside courthouses on Long Island and mocked lawyers.

On Monday, however, Kash said he was due in court to answer a drunken driving charge from a year and a half ago. The men are due back in court on the disorderly conduct charge next month.

SOURCE: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/apus_story.asp?category=1110&slug=Lawyer%20Jokes%20Arrests

Stoop · **Reply #3 on:** March 27, 2005, 09:16:40 PM

One of my aunts is a lawyer. When she is in her office she never cracks a smile. Come to think of it, I don’t think she ever smiles., even when she is out of her office!

C’mon Rob we need more “bad jokes”. Keep ‘em coming with that super service of yours.

Dunrobin · **Reply #4 on:** March 27, 2005, 09:38:11 PM

Okay, Stoop - here's another lawyer joke for ya:

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Dunrobin · **Reply #5 on:** March 27, 2005, 09:48:28 PM

Here's one more for today:

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

BeAStooge · **Reply #6 on:** March 27, 2005, 09:49:06 PM

Quote from: Stoop on March 27, 2005, 09:16:40 PM

One of my aunts is a layer.

Your aunt is a prostitute?

Quote

When she is in her office she never cracks a smile.

Cracks a smile? The door for 1,000 more bad jokes has just been opened!

Quote

Come to think of it, I don't think she ever smiles, even when she is out of her office!

In or out of the office, that means she's bad at her job.

Quote

As smileys go, that one seems relevant.

Two down, 998 to go. (Calm down Aunt Stoop; that wasn't directed at you.)

Lola-Lou · **Reply #7 on:** March 27, 2005, 09:54:11 PM

Well my mom is a lawyer too. However she's on the other end of the jokes. She gets treated like shit and doesn't get paid as she should. What I need some sleezy boss jokes for her.

Dunrobin · **Reply #8 on:** April 14, 2005, 08:20:52 PM

A Truly Heart-warming Story

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

FineBari3 · **Reply #9 on:** April 14, 2005, 08:48:46 PM

You have outdone yourself there with that one, Rob!!!!

I thought you were seriously telling a story about a little girl!!! Boy, you got me GOOD!

Dunrobin · **Reply #10 on:** April 16, 2005, 09:44:52 PM

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and blurts out..........

"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone too!"

Pilsner Panther · **Reply #11 on:** April 17, 2005, 01:06:38 AM

Now, that one I like... you really don't see where the punch line is coming from!

Dunrobin · **Reply #12 on:** April 20, 2005, 04:39:02 PM

Crazy Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.

"Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

wallawalla · **Reply #13 on:** April 20, 2005, 09:12:42 PM

Bartender watches some jumper cables walk into the bar and says, "You can coil up over there, but don't start nothin'."

Our neighborhood flasher thought about retiring, but decided to stick it out one more year.

What's the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson? One is made of plastic and is dangerous to children, and the other holds groceries.

Guy goes into a rundown hotel and is told the rates are $15 a night, or $5 if you make your own bed. Guy says, "Then I'll make my own bed." Clerk says, "Fine, there's some wood and nails around back."

Lady tells a shrink that she thinks she might be a nymphomaniac. The shrink says he can help her, and his rates are $80 an hour. She says, "How much for all night?"

Baggie · **Reply #14 on:** April 21, 2005, 04:48:16 AM

When is it bedtime in Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.

Michael Jackson's wife has just given birth in hospital. The doctor goes to Michael and says "Congratulations! It's a boy!" Michael looks over at his wife and whispers to the Doc, "Now when do you think we'll be able to have sex?" The Doctors says "Well I'd wait til' he's walking if I were you."

Pilsner Panther · **Reply #15 on:** April 21, 2005, 11:09:27 AM

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?

Because there are twenty of them!

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Dunrobin · **Reply #16 on:** April 22, 2005, 07:00:34 PM

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please... don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

Baggie · **Reply #17 on:** April 23, 2005, 05:40:09 AM

Here's an old one for you:

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Dunrobin · **Reply #18 on:** April 23, 2005, 07:42:36 AM

The Moral of the Story

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."

And what is the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Tammy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

bustoff2 · **Reply #19 on:** April 24, 2005, 04:05:45 AM

I have heard every single one of those jokes, Ms. Baggie, and some of them are really funny.....Your joke, however was not. Get a new writer. Thank You.

Baggie · **Reply #20 on:** April 24, 2005, 01:28:47 PM

Aw, were my bad jokes really that bad? Just think of it! Bad jokes being bad! Darn! Under your advice I sacked my writer, Bustoff. I've now got an ad out for a new writer who does really funny jokes for the bad jokes topic. Thankyou.

Dunrobin · **Reply #21 on:** April 24, 2005, 02:30:59 PM

Quote from: Baggie on April 24, 2005, 01:28:47 PM

Aw, were my bad jokes really that bad? Just think of it! Bad jokes being bad! Darn! Under your advice I sacked my writer, Bustoff. I've now got an ad out for a new writer who does really funny jokes for the bad jokes topic. Thankyou.

Don't mind him, Baggie - Bustoff2 was just Joe2 in disguise (in case you couldn't tell.) The twit's been banned from posting anymore on the site.

Baggie · **Reply #22 on:** April 24, 2005, 04:29:46 PM

Cheers Rob, I kinda twigged. What an ass! Now let's continue with the bad jokes...

BeAStooge · **Reply #23 on:** April 24, 2005, 05:27:18 PM

Quote from: Baggie on April 24, 2005, 04:29:46 PM

now let's continue with the bad jokes...

Courtesy of Johnny Ginger, the Stooges' Detroit TV host in the '60s, and "Billy the Kid" in THE OUTLAWS IS COMING!...

A man leaves work on Friday afternoon and heads for his favorite bar. He orders a martini, which soon leads to another, and another, and another, etc. Losing track of time, the next thing he knows, the bartender asks for "last call." The man orders one last martini. One sip, and he vomits all over his best suit.

Drunk: (slurring) Oh shit! What am I gonna do? My wife'll kill me! She'll leave me! What'cn I do?

Bartender: Give me $10.

Drunk: Huh!?

Bartender: Give me $10! (The drunk does so.) We fold it up, and put in your suit breast pocket. Tell your wife that another drunk threw up on you, and gave you $10 for dry cleaning. Your wife'll be so impressed by his generosity, she'll forget how pissed she is at you.

(The drunk man arrives home)

Wife: Where the hell have you been!!!? What the hell happened to you!!!?

Drunk: I'm sorry honey. But this other drunk puked on my best suit. But look!!! He put $10 for dry cleaning in my breast pocket.

Wife: Oh yeah!? Let me see! (The drunk pulls two $10s from his suit breast pocket.) What the hell is the other $10 for!!!?

Drunk: On the cab drive home, he shit in my pants too.

Moe_Howard_Fan · **Reply #24 on:** April 24, 2005, 09:14:36 PM

hey I just wnat to ask ya i' not sure if u rememebr me or not but i used to be a member here ALONG time ago b-4 it was updated. i remember dunrobin and a couple other people i just had to re join the site, but i wnated to tell the ppl iknew to say hey and that i'm back

"F" in spelling, grammar, and English syntax. From now on, I'm only giving ONE warning before I ban people for illiteracy, because I'm getting fed up with it.

BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

Pilsner Panther

Pilsner Panther