Beyond Curly's "I'm tryin' to think, but nothin' happens", certain stand-up comics develop great one-liners to use in their act, such as Henny Youngman and Rodney Dangerfield. And the question of whose material is better comes to mind. I know Rodney's work is more gritty than Henny's, and that may make Rodney's stuff seem funnier, but still its hard to answer by reading a sampling of each others' work. You may even have someone else in mind that deserves to be counted in the list of one-line givers, so suggest away.
I'll let you figure it out ... enjoy!
Henny Youngman
One guy says, “What’s the latest dope on Wall Street”?, and the other says, “My son”.
I got a mother-in-law that’s so neat; she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house”, so last week she sold it.
You know, once I wanted to become an atheist, but I had to give it up … they have no holidays.
After my physical, I asked the doctor, “How do I stand”?, and the doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me”.
I take my wife everywhere, but she finds her way home.
My wife has a nice, even disposition … miserable all the time.
I bought my wife a mink outfit … a rifle and trap.
I have a grandson who’s ten years old … he’ll be eleven if I let him.
A guy says, “Your dog just bit me”, and the owner says, “That’s funny, he’s usually very particular”.
A man says to a friend, “Look at this nice poodle I got for my wife”, and the friend says, “I’d say that was a pretty good trade”.
There’s two gamblers coming out of church, one says to the other, “Look, it Hallelujah, not Hialeah”.
A drunk walks up to a parking meter, drops in a dime, the arrow goes to sixty, and he says, “Gee, I lost a hundred pounds”.
I got a brother-in-law who’s a karate expert and he joined the army, and the first time he saluted, he killed himself.
I have a brother-in-law that I wish I knew what trade he was in, so I’d know what kind of work he’s out of.
I have a brother-in-law who says he’s a diamond cutter … a diamond cutter, hah! … He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
My wife says she’s a light eater … that’s right, as soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.
My wife went to the beauty parlor for a mud-pack … for two days she looked great, then the mud fell off.
I just found a labor-saving device … a rich old lady.
I’ve got a wonderful doctor … if you can’t afford the operation, he touches up the x-rays.
I went to the doctor and said, “Doc, it hurts when I lift my arm like this”, he says, “Don’t do that”.
The jockey hit the horse, the horse turned around and said, “What are you hitting me for, there’s nobody behind us?”
Do you wanna have some real laughs, folks? … send a telegram saying, “Ignore first wire”.
You know I never had a penny to my name, so I changed my name.
Did you know Jack the Ripper was never killed? … he’s doing my laundry!
Here’s how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas … when you get off the airplane, walk right into the propellers.
Did you hear about the nearsighted snake who fell in love with a piece of rope?
There was a fire in a hotel in Miami Beach, and the woman shouted, “Help, fire … Cha-cha-cha!”
There’s a new Volkswagen with four gears, the fourth one is for going through Jewish neighborhoods.
Whenever I’m on a bus and I see an empty seat, I’ll point it out to a woman, then I’ll race her for it.
I’m so nearsighted; I can’t even see my contact lenses.
I flew my own plane for two years, then the rubber band broke.
My wife is learning how to drive, and when the road turns when she does, it’s a coincidence.
Last night I ordered an entire meal in French and even the waiter was surprised … it was a Chinese restaurant.
Two kangaroos are talking, and one says to the other, “Gee, I hope it doesn’t rain today, I just hate it when the kids play inside.”
A couple in Hollywood got married, then divorced, then re-married … the divorce didn’t work out.
I love Hollywood, I go every year to attend Zsa-Zsa Gabor’s wedding.
She’s been married so many times, she has rice marks on her face.
Martha Ray’s been married seven times, she has a wash-and-wear bridal gown.
Martha Ray kissed me, I lost my head completely.
There was a girl banging on my hotel room door all night, I finally had to let her out of the room.
I don’t want to say my hotel room is small, but when I put the key in the keyhole, I break the window.
This hotel is so elegant; Room Service has an unlisted number.
I walked into my hotel room and found a strange girl, I said to her, “I’ll give you just 48 hours to get outa here”.
Business was so bad in the club I was playing last night; the orchestra was playing “Tea for One”.
Have you tried vodka and carrot juice? … you get drunk just as fast, but your eyesight gets better.
The first part of our marriage was very happy, but then on the way back from the ceremony …
My mother-in-law needed a blood transfusion, but we couldn’t find a tiger.
My mother-in-law will never live to be as old as she looks.
When I met my wife, I was amazed at how her hair went halfway down her back … too bad it didn’t grow on her head.
I wanted to send my brother-in-law a gift, but I couldn’t figure out how to wrap up a saloon.
Did you hear about the Gypsy who doesn’t read the tea leaves? … she reads the lemons.
My father used to talk to me and say, “Listen, stupid” … he always called me Listen.
A lady driving hits a guy and yells “Watch out!”, the guy says, “Why, are you coming back?”
You show me a guy who’s got both feet planted firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a guy who can’t get his pants on.
Take my wife … please!
I only gamble for laughs, and last week I laughed away my car.
My mother-in-law has a parrot that weighs 400 pounds, and it says, “Polly wants a cracker … NOW!”
Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect at all … when I was a baby, I was breast-fed by my father.
Last night I looked up my family tree, I found out I was the sap.
My old man was dumb, he worked in a bank, and they caught him stealing pens.
I went to the bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me”, and he showed me a picture of my wife naked.
I got no sex life, my wife cut me down to once a month, but I know two guys she cut out completely.
I told one of them, “Who said you could fool around with my wife”, he said, “Everybody”.
Last night my wife said she wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car, and she wanted me to drive.
I just signed a new contract with General Motors for two years, I bought a car.
A car and a girl are very much alike … how many times on a cold morning when you really needed it, she won’t turn over.
I just did a one-nighter in Milwaukee, and she was lovely.
My girl told me she was a world traveler, then she told me what a trip costs, and I said, “We live in two different worlds”.
At a wild party we played a new version of Russian Roulette, we passed around six girls, and one of them had VD.
People ask, “Are you a leg man, a breast man, or an ass man”, I figure I’m an ass man, because people are always saying to me, “You’re an ASS, man!”
I’ll tell you what’s embarrassing, you see a great ass, you follow it and it turns out to be a guy.
I went to a place where they were dancing naked and they wouldn’t let me in because I didn’t have on a tie and a jacket.
I asked the cab driver where I could get some action, and he took me to my house.
I saw a guy jogging naked in front of my house and asked him why and he said, “Because you came home early”.
Last night I went to a discount massage parlor … it was self service.
The only reason I get any girls at all is because of who I am … a rapist.
I know I’m not a sexy guy, when I put on my underwear this morning, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
I’m a bad love maker … you know I caught a Peeping-Tom booing me?
I’m at the age now that “shooting up” means the enema bag.
I’m at the age that I want two girls at once, so that if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.
Your getting old when you walk past a cemetery and two guys chase after you with shovels.
Eating has replaced sex for me … in fact; I had a mirror installed over my kitchen table.
My kid walked in on me eating dinner, and I covered my main dish with my napkin.
My wife had a mirror put in over our bed because she said she liked to watch herself laugh.
There are certain times I like sex … like after a cigarette.
My wife doesn’t smoke after sex, she says one drag is enough.
I gotta lose some weight, I was so fat, when I got my shoes shined, I had to take the guy’s word for it.
I told my dentist my teeth were getting yellow, and he told me to wear a brown necktie.
My psychiatrist told me I was going crazy, I said I wanted a second opinion, he said, “Okay, you’re ugly too!”
He told me to lay on the couch, face down.
I know I’m ugly; I stuck my head out of the window and got arrested for mooning.
I was an ugly kid, I worked in a pet store and everyone kept asking how big I’d get.
One year they tried to make me the poster boy for birth control.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she liked me as a friend.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My old man didn’t like my looks, either; he carried around the picture of the kid who came with the wallet.
On Halloween, my old man told me to put jockey shorts on my head and go as an ass.
Do you know what real class is? … its when you’re alone and you fart and say, “excuse me”.
I got a cousin who is gay, and I kid him by saying on the family tree, he’s in the fruit section.
He was so disappointed when he went to London and found out Big Ben was a clock.
In school, other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.
I tried marijuana only once, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was on cocaine.
I tried marijuana and got so hungry I smoked half the joint and ate the other half.
I’m a bad drinker, when I drink, the next day I do two things; I try to locate my car, and bring back the car I took.
You know you’re drunk when you take a leak and your fly isn’t open.
I lost 1000 bucks in Vegas gambling, but I got even, I stole 400 Sweet-and-Low packets.
I was so poor, my rich aunt died, and in the will I owed her 20 dollars.
I had to wear my father’s hand-me-downs, it was weird, I had to unzip my pants to blow my nose.
We were poor, at Christmas time we didn’t have tinsel, we used to wait for Grandpa to sneeze.
As a kid I had pimples and I fell asleep in the library, when I woke up there was a blind man reading my face.
The first time I hitchhiked I got beat up – I used the wrong finger.
I gave my kid a B-B gun for Christmas; he gave me a sweatshirt with a bull’s eye printed on the back.
The other day I told my kid about the birds and the bees, he told me about my wife and the butcher.
My kid drives me nuts; yesterday he put Crazy Glue in my Preparation H.
I got a mean kid, he scotch tapes worms to the sidewalk, and then watches the birds get hernias.
In public school, my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.
Kids start out having sex so young that now they have birth control pills shaped like Fred Flintstone.
I was scared the first time I had sex … I was all alone.
I got good-looking kids though … thank God my wife cheats on me.
I got a dog whose favorite bone is in my arm.
What a dog, last night he went four times on the paper and three times I was reading it.
I’m tired of hearing about sex … sex, sex, sex … I’ve had it up to here, well, not lately.
