The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
One of my aunts is a layer.
When she is in her office she never cracks a smile.
Come to think of it, I don't think she ever smiles, even when she is out of her office!
[nuts]
Aw, were my bad jokes really that bad? Just think of it! Bad jokes being bad! Darn! Under your advice I sacked my writer, Bustoff. I've now got an ad out for a new writer who does really funny jokes for the bad jokes topic. Thankyou.
now let's continue with the bad jokes...
hey I just wnat to ask ya i' not sure if u rememebr me or not but i used to be a member here ALONG time ago b-4 it was updated. i remember dunrobin and a couple other people i just had to re join the site, but i wnated to tell the ppl iknew to say hey and that i'm back 8)
okay first of all i dont have a litercy problem. Just a couple of typos. i didn't see them till AFTER i had posted the message, alight?! ???
The math formula to success is pretty clever, actually.
I would like to copy it and pass it on to others if that's okay.
I read in the paper that President Bush was admitted to the hospital today ... he's recently had an asshole transplant ... and the asshole has rejected him.
I read in the paper that President Bush was admitted to the hospital today ... he's recently had an asshole transplant ... and the asshole has rejected him.
You're even so distraught that you posted on the wrong thread ... I'm glad I could inject some levity into your otherwise drab holiday season.
I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!
> I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so!!
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
James
That was funny as hell, James. (Pilsner, you've got some more competition!) :laugh:
That's a pretty cool graphic. I had to download it to fully appreciate it. 8)
James
A computer to me was something you walked inside of.
In barbecuing, smoke gets in your eyes when your meat’s on fire.
How does the alter boy know when it's time for bed?.......When the big hand is on the little hand.
Talking about copiers how about the ditto copiers they had and the gethethner copiers where you had to type a stencil on some blue wax paper. Then take the stencil and put it on this drum loaded with black ink. No matter how careful you were, you always got in on you or there was some kind of mess.
That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie
Let's see, now ... uhmmm ... Urban Cowboy? No, no, no ...
Uhmmm, Being John Malkovich? ... no ...
AAAAhhh!! ... Stagecoach!!!
Subject: Warning New Scam Targeting Women!
We should all take this seriously.
I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me and it could happen to you!! Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 30 year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed. It's impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirt about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
I'm running out of purses....
Snip... I have been married a total of 31 years to two different woman ...snips
Did the judge set your punishments to be served concurrently or consecutively? >:DThat would be consecutively jrvass. After the first wife I figured, "What the Hell, I still got some stuff left, I might as well go find someone to give the rest of it to".
James
I have a number of dogs & was buying several bags of Purina at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete. So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.
The older priest says, "Oh, about five bucks."
| A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?" The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fsex_1.gif&hash=78e411ca914ce8d036474a52f684568af8def4de) |
| Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!" Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!" | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fblonde_3.gif&hash=321e92ec79a730e769c001b017b325e2ef4161e0) |
What does Michael Jackson love most about twenty eight year olds?
The fact that there are twenty of them.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is plastic and a hazard for small children and the other, you put groceries in.
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fdog_2.gif&hash=b8f1673ca483930db99f12ad3a0384b80d935d49) | This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog. |
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fdog_2.gif&hash=b8f1673ca483930db99f12ad3a0384b80d935d49) | A hot dog is the best dog. Because he feeds the hand that bites him. |
| There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the middle of it. She realizes her husband is using a cucumber! She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage. He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him, calling him a "stupid cheating bastard." He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain our 4 kids!" | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdindinx.net%2Fhotbabe%2Fimages%2Fhotbabe.gif&hash=3ee572edab1e751646d49b5bd64a89f37b7cf701) |
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.johlee.co.uk%2Fimages%2Fdeskmate-kahli-chair01.jpg&hash=c4db1ac8fcc6f18aa3a0bca34c19aebe62b67493) | This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off." |
| A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not." | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fsex_1.gif&hash=78e411ca914ce8d036474a52f684568af8def4de) |
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fdoctor_4.gif&hash=a5f9938e9d143e571b6afb42f675f3672661014f) | A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room." |
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least with Zippergate, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat." | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmembers.aol.com%2Fh0tp00lman%2FmonicaT.gif&hash=fdd12feae2abe9b717736bae162b2bdcdc995cfb) |
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fcomputer_1.gif&hash=79de4a3fc522b01c6f9ee5564c1baf7751ebaf47) | If it's there and you can see it - it's real. If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual. If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent. If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it! |
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fblonde_3.gif&hash=321e92ec79a730e769c001b017b325e2ef4161e0) | Why did the blonde cross the road? Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!? |
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fdoctor_1.gif&hash=e3ce90df2fdeb8ea6ec60142397ab866f8dbf951) | A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!" |
| There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.g4tv.com%2Fimages%2Fimagedb2%2F242%2F24281_L.jpg&hash=a6eacb324c85bf2693e035ba343914484a7659c2) |
| At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. 6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8 ) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.made4men.co.uk%2Fxcart353%2Ffiles%2Ft_602.jpg&hash=06bec92951ae791dbe81b763a48e4baeaed93047) |
snipps.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
snips...
| A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Flawyer.gif&hash=99a63348332db93a97052fc064b0253c13c934e9) |
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fjesus.gif&hash=243fca767802b8560be3257b69a54713b6daf473) | Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!" |
| A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsoezhosting.com%2Fimages%2Fmother-in-law.jpg&hash=74b7ee64465950f3e10734003ce796911ec918da) |
| (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokes4all.net%2Fdoctor_3.gif&hash=af3a09696932907423333ceb350beaac601402f0) | Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news." Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first." Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live." Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?" Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday." :'( |
| An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.georgecoghill.com%2Fillo%2Fimages%2Fillustration%2F_characters%2Fillegals-all.jpg&hash=e1d9369d9707edd82e18b879ad7c56cc9ad3ce6b) |
| A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!" |
| Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" |
| WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today." | (https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fillthevoid.org%2FTracts%2FTract_files%2Fmaninjail.gif&hash=42a130d0c7a379b1efe6492ca7d558d52ae42877) |
John Valby is the only one whom I've heard say it. Is it an old traditional, or did someone specific come up with it? I collect John Valby recordings, so now I'm curious.
I've found a few of Senior Valby's recordings floating around on the internet, and I'll venture an attachment of one of his "lesser" (in explicatives and sexual references) works ... Bangsmith, we have a common nasty trait!Thanks! I have what I believe to be all of his in-print CDs. There are several old cassette-only releases from the '80's that have gone out of print. You can get the CDs at laugh.com.
I picked this one up from a co-worker today ...
(Sung to the tune of "Rock the Boat" by The Hues Corporation)
Drop the Soap
Don't drop the soap baby
Drop the Soap
Don't bend yourself over
Drop the Soap
Don't drop the soap baby
Drop the Sooooooaaaaaap ...
JazzBill ...The "Woman Song" is funny too, but I can relate more to the "Man Song".
if'n you liked "The Man Song", here is the "The Woman Song" by the same singer.
I remember that well, Giff me dat fill-em! And I still get a kick out of those stupid Paul Shanklin (sp?) songs that feature Al Sharpton yelling through a megaphone.
I just don't see where anything "good" (on either side) has come out of the whole incident.
-Thump
I can understand not knowing what a sheep looks like, but haven't these people seen a dog before? ;D
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
[argue]
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"
[argue]
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"
Hey Everyone:
It has been over six months now, closer to eight, that I have crossed over to this side of the fence, but I was interested at what was taking place. Just would like to throw in my two cents about this thread. It is totally disgusting, what does it have to do with The Three Stooges? Like the site was originally set-up for.
Thompson, Moron4392
Just would like to throw in my two cents about this thread. It is totally disgusting, what does it have to do with The Three Stooges? Like the site was originally set-up for.
Just would like to throw in my two cents about this thread. It is totally disgusting,
Thompson, Moron4392
Hoo-boy....
Anyway, a dog with a limp walks into an old west saloon and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot mah paw!"
After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ... You're holding it upside down!'
Boy, some of these are bad, haha. But some of them made me chuckle.
BAD JOKE OF THE DAY? I got one:
Hey, did any of you here about Gary Coleman's Monogrammed coffin?
(https://threestooges.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv220%2FMiroku4444%2FForum%2520Pics%2Fcooler1.jpg&hash=580d0257f18b6c7963776483d8ec5eb836b5b00a)
That's cold! [2funny]
31. You think of a family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
32. You tell your neighbor you were circumsized when someone kicked your sister in the jaw.
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."Shemp Diesel, I loved this joke! Not only that, earlier today my yellow Lab was beside himself with excitement over something & I got him to reenact it with me.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand: "Make me one with everything"Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Chuck Norris JokesI think you missed this one:
Nyuk nyuk nyuk.Same 2 cannibals are sharing their missionary stew. One say's to the other: "Um-ummm! I'm having a ball!"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Same 2 cannibals are sharing their missionary stew. One say's to the other: "Um-ummm! I'm having a ball!"Stop it! Stop this cannibalism! Let's have a joke about clean, decent human beings. . . .
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
AT LAST!!! All other BJD's I've read had at LEAST a slight giggle or a chortle, or an eyebrow wrinkle, but this joke is truly a BAD one!! Congrats!But it's probably funny when it's told live by a monkey.
According to the Hebrew calendar, this is the year 5571, and the Chinese calendar says its 4707. This means that for 864 YEARS, Jewish people had to do their own laundry.