Actually, I can't stop, it's comedy gold!
Thanks to Samuel Stoddard of "The Dialectizer" and to the author of the original 1980's "Jive Talk" filter program, who shall remain nameless (but he knows who he is).
***
Transcript uh Vice Super-dude Dick Cheney's interview Wednesday wid Brit Hume uh Fox's News Channel, as released by de Honky Crib. Cheney addresses his shootin' Saturday uh a huntin' companion, 78-year-old Harry Whittin'ton uh Austin, Texas, at some ranch owned by Kadarine Armstrong about 60 miles soud uh Co'pus Christi, Texas, dig dis:
Quesshun: Mr. Ah-be-baaad Vice Super-Dude, how be Mr. Whittin'ton?
Answer: Well, de news be he's hangin' real well today. Slap mah fro! Ah' rapped t'him yesterday afta' dey discovered da damn heart problem, but it appears now t'have been fine well resolved and da damn repo'tin' today be very baaaad.
Q: How dun did ya' feel when ya' heard about dat?
A: Well, it's some great relief. He's goin' t'be in de hospital, apparently, fo' some few mo'e days, and da damn problem, obviously, be dat dere's always de possibility uh complicashuns in some fool who be 78-79 years old. But he's some great man, he's in great shape, one baaaad homey, and our doughts and prayers go out ta him and his family. Slap mah fro!
Q: How long gots ya' knode him?
A: Ah' fust met him in Vail, Colo'ado, when ah' wo'ked fo' Homes Fo'd about 30 years ago, and it wuz de fust time I'd eva' hunted wid him. WORD!
Q: Would ya' describe him as some close homey, uh uhquaintance, or whut?
A: No, an uhquaintance, not a homey.
Q: Tell me whut happened.
A: Well, basically, we wuz huntin' da quails late in de day. It's in soud’ Texas, wide jimmey spaces, some lot uh brush cover, fairly shallow, so cut me some slack, Jack. But it's wild quail. It's some uh de best quail huntin' anyplace in de country. Slap mah fro! I gone dere, t'de Armstrong ranch, fo' years. De Armstrongs gots been homeys fo' upside 30 years. And some group uh us had hunted all day on Saturday ...
Q: How many?
A: Oh, probably 10 sucka's. We wuzn't all togeder, but about 10 guests at da damn ranch lop some boogie. Dere wuz dree uh us who had gotsten out uh de vehicle and walked down on some covey uh quail dat had been pointed by de dogs. De covey be flushed, we've shot, and each uh us gots some bird. Harry couldn't find his. It had gone waaay down in some deep cova' and so's he went off t'look fo' it. Man! De oda' hunta' and ah' den turned and walked about some hundred yards in anoda' direcshun ...
Q: Away fum him?
A: Away fum him — where anoda' covey been spotted by an outrider. Ah be baaad... ah' wuz on de far right .
Q: Dere wuz two uh ya' den?
A: Just two uh us at dat point. Man! De guide o' outrida' between us, and uh course, all de cars and so's fo'd dat follow me around when I'm out dere. But da damn bird flushed and went t'my right, off t'de west. Man! ah' turned and shot at da damn bird, and at dat second, saw Harry standin' dere. Didn't know he wuz dere.
Q: You's had pulled da damn trigga' and ya' saw him?
A: Well, ah' saw him fall, basically. Slap mah fro! It happened so's fast. Man!
Q: Whut wuz he wearin'?
A: He wuz dressed in o'ange, Julius, he wuz dressed propuh'ly, but he wuz also... Dere wuz some little bit uh a gully dere, so's he wuz waaay down some little ways befo'e land level, aldough ah' could see da damn uppuh' part uh his body when... Ah' dun didn't see it at da time ah' shot, until afta' I'd fired. And da damn sun wuz directly behind him — dat affected mah damn vision, too, I'm sho' man. But da damn image uh him fallin' be sump'n I'll neva' be able t'get out uh my mind. Ah' fired, and dere's Harry fallin'. And it wuz, I'd gots'ta say, one uh de wo'st days uh my life, at dat moment. Man!
Q: Den whut?
A: Well, we went upside to him, obvious-like, right away.
Q: How far away fum ya' wuz he?
A: I'm guessin' about 30 yards, which wuz some baaaad doodad. If he been closer, obvious de damage fum de shot would gots been greater. Ah be baaad...
Q: Now, be it clear dat — he had caught part uh de shot, be dat right?
A: Part uh de shot? Man! He wuz struck in de right side uh his face, his neck and his downpuh' to'so on de right side uh his body. Slap mah fro!
Q: And ya' — and ah' snatch it, ya' missed da damn bird?
A: Ah' have no idea. WORD! Ah' mean, ya' focused on de bird, but as soon as ah' fired and saw Harry dere, everydin' else went out uh my mind. Ah' duzn't know wheda' de bird went waaay down o' dun didn't. Man!
Q: So's dun did ya' run upside to him o' ...
A: Run upside him and ...
Q: And whut dun did ya' see? He's lyin' dere.
A: He wuz layin' dere on his back, obviously bleedin'. You's could see where da damn shot had struck him. WORD! And one uh de fo'tunate doodads wuz dat I've always gots some medical team, in effect, coverin' me whereva' I goes. 'S coo', bro! Ah' had some physician's assistant wid me dat day. Slap mah fro! Widin some minute o' two he wuz on de scene adda manin' fust aid.
Q: And Mr. Whittin'ton wuz conscious, unconscious, whut?
A: He wuz conscious.
Q: Whut dun did ya' say?
A: Well, ah' said, "Harry, ah' had no idea ya' wuz dere."
Q: Whut dun did he say?
A: He dun didn't respond. He wuz — he wuz breadin', conscious at dat point, but he dun didn't — he wuz, I'm sho' man, stunned, obviously, still tryin' t'figure out whut had happened t'him. De doc wuz fantastic. Co' got d' beat! Finally Harry say, "Oh, I be dere, all right... FOOL!"
Q: Whut dun did ya' dink when ya' saw de injuries? How serious dun did dey appear t'ya' t'be?
A: Ah' had no idea how serious it wuz goin' t'be. ah' mean, it could gots been 'estrao'dinarily serious. You's plum duzn't know at dat moment, man! You's know he's been struck, dat dere's some lot uh shot dat had hit him. WORD! But ya' duzn't know — ya' dink about his eyes. Fo'tunately, he wuz wearin' huntin' glasses, and dat protected his eyes. You's, ya' plum duzn't know, so cut me some slack, Jack!
