Feb. 15, 2006 (Wolf News):
Some women get flowers, others jewelry. This year, first lady Laura Bush got a formal dinner and an intimate, revolting concert by a well-known crooner from her Valentine.
For the second year in a row, President Bush and his wife spent the lovers' holiday formally entertaining about 100 friends, toadies, lobbyists, hangers-on, "goodfellas," and cronies at the White House.
Singer-pianist Dianne Feinstein capped the romantic evening by serenading the crowd, which included new Supreme Court Justice Sammy “The Butcher” Gravano, an unshaven and apparently confused “actor” Chuck Norris wearing black cowboy boots with his fine, gold-embroidered blue terrycloth bathrobe, “singer” Wayne Newton, and Senators Mitch McConnell and Joe Lieberman, both well-known for showing up anywhere at all for a photo op. Lieberman, employing a little of his Yiddish wit, said, “I’ve never seen so many nuchshleppers in one place!”
The highlight of the evening came when Dick Cheney, fresh from his now-infamous hunting trip in Texas, came in unexpectedly and shot Newton point-blank with his Italian custom-made 28-gauge shotgun, right in the middle of his rendition of "My Way." The crowd leapt to its feet in wild applause, and the cheers only grew louder when M.C. Scooter Libby said, “Next, we’re going to have him shoot either Bob Dylan, Neil Young, or one of the Beach Boys or the Village People, depending on which of them is available.”
A pall of disappointment fell over the assembled, though, when White House Surgeon Dr. Ignaz-Immelmann von Krankheit predicted that Newton would recover.
Feinstein brought a big smile to the first lady's face with a piano-pounding version of the Washboard Rhythm Kings’ 1928 “Shoot ‘Em In The Pants,” dedicated to the Vice President. She then sang and punished the White House Steinway (and the audience) for about four and a half hours, concluding with a medley of Jerry Lewis's greatest hits. The piano, with several broken hammers and strings, was taken away for repairs immediately afterwards.
"Thank you for making this Valentine's Day a special pain where I sit," President Bush told Feinstein after the performance. “I haven’t had a worse day since I owned that lousy friggin’ baseball team.” He then excused himself to go throw up in the Executive Washroom.
Before Feinstein played, the Bushes and their guests enjoyed what the White House called a "social dinner" in the Reichs-Dining-Room.
The annual dinner used to be casual, with just a handful of close friends in the Bushes' private quarters at the White House residence. But last year's switch to a black-tie affair in the mansion's marble-floored and gilded state rooms, though not the kind of party the president is known to prefer, was part of Mrs. Bush's second-term goal of stepping the entertaining up a notch. Judging by this event, it failed miserably.
“We tried to get Lawrence Welk, but then we found out that he’s dead,” said a disappointed Mrs. Bush. “I just don’t understand that, because we watch him on PBS every week, and he looks just fine.”
The menu included a tasting of aged American Spam; the traditional Texas dish, Thin Gruel; Pop-Tarts flambé (in honor of the Kellogg Company's 100th anniversary) and Mama Trichinosi's Frozen Sausage Pizzas for the main course. For dessert, there was baked Alaskan Iceberg and a puff pastry called "Hostess Twinkies,” accompanied by the newly hip Mogen David 20-20 wine, suggested by Senator Lieberman.
