Here's the real lowdown on the new Pope, courtesy of Associated Press. Okay, I'll admit that I "massaged" the article, just a little...
Disclaimer: If you're a practicing Catholic, you probably shouldn't read this, as you might find it very offensive. 
Benedict XVI Clears The Decks For Action(04-20) 09:12 PDT VATICAN CITY, (AP) --
Pope "Eggs" Benedict XVI pledged Wednesday to work to unify all
Christians and reach out to other religions as he outlined his goals
and made clear he would follow in the footsteps of his predecessor,
Pope John Paul II. "All they have to do is convert to Catholicism,
and, hey presto, everyone will be unified," the new Pontiff
said. "Simple, huh?"
Benedict, the former Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, listed top priorities
of his papacy in a message read in Latin to cardinals gathered in the
Sistine Chapel for the first Mass celebrated by the 265th leader of
the Roman Catholic Church. Already known as "Eggs" Benedict among the
Cardinals, he doesn't mind the nickname. "I don't stand on formality,
it's fine," he said. "It makes me seem almost human, although as
Pope, I'm more like a God than like regular spitting, sweating,
farting, walking-around people."
He said his "primary task" would be to work to reunify all Christians
and that sentiment alone was not enough. "Concrete acts that enter
souls and move consciences are needed," he said. "I'm going to start
by excommunicating anyone who doesn't think that women should stay
barefoot and pregnant and keep their mouths shut, just as St. Paul
preached."
The new pope said he wanted to continue "an open and sincere
dialogue" with other religions and would do everything in his power
to improve the ecumenical cause. "They're a lousy bunch of heretics,
if you ask me, but we can't burn them any more, so we have to listen
to their idiotic ideas. At least for now, until I get that little
problem fixed."
Joy over the selection of a new pope was mixed with worries that
Benedict could polarize a global church, whose challenges include
growing secularism in rich countries and inroads by evangelical
groups in regions such as Latin America, where uneducated and
primitive people are ripe for a good fleecing by organized religions
of all kinds. "My message to the evangelicals is a simple one," the
Pope stated, "Get outta here, WE'RE working this side of the street!"
Benedict referred to his predecessor several times in his message,
including John Paul's final wishes that he hoped new generations
would draw on the work of the Second Vatican Council, the 1962-65
meeting that modernized the church.
"Screw that," Benedict said, "It's my show now. From now on we're
going back to our old tradition of having one man at the top who
tells everyone what to do. We're also going to expand the Catholic
school system so that we can brainwash as many children as we can get
our hands on. Maybe do some other things to them, too... heh heh."
The Vatican's hard-line enforcer of church orthodoxy under John Paul
for almost 25 years, Benedict had gone into the two-day conclave as a
favorite. He was elected Tuesday as the oldest pontiff in 275 years
and the first Germanic pope in almost a millennium. Cries of "Sieg
Heil!" could be heard from within the walls of the Sistine Chapel
when his election became final.
A cheering crowd of more than 100,000 welcomed Benedict when he
stepped onto the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica as dusk fell Tuesday
and gave his first blessing as Pope. By contrast, St. Peter's Square
was nearly empty early Wednesday, although by the end of the Mass a
few hundred had gathered to watch the late John Paul's favorite
show, "Sponge Bob Squarepants," on giant TV screens.
"We greet our Pope Benedict XVI," read a poster toted by teens from a
high school in Hardup, Germany, who were in the square when his black
Mercedes convertible, its top up and Vatican flags flying, zipped
into and out of his former offices at the Congregation for the
Doctrine of the Faith. "Hey, a black Mercedes... cool!" one teenager
was quoted as saying. "Der Fuhrer himself used to ride in one of
those!"
Ratzinger selected a name rich in tradition — the first Pope
Benedict, who ruled from 575-579, was declared the patron saint of
Europe because of his involvement in fouling up Christian Europe.
Later, in the 18th century, Benedict Arnold made an infamous name for
himself by betraying his American Revolutionary compatriots, an act
that has reportedly endeared him to Cardinal Ratzinger since
childhood. Vatican watchers said Ratzinger's selection of the name
indicated he would emphasize the need to rule with an iron fist and
be a heartless bastard.
Amid the joy, there also was disappointment Wednesday from some who
viewed him as an obstacle to necessary change in the church.
But American cardinals said Benedict had been unfairly caricatured as
an unfeeling conservative, describing him instead as a caring,
brilliant churchman who listens to those with opposing views."I think
he'll play well as soon as people come to know him," said New York
Cardinal Edward Egan. "This is a real Dean of Discipline-type Pope,
and he'll soon make it clear that he brooks no nonsense or back talk
from anyone, Catholic or not."
The Pope's participation in the Nazi Party as a youth rang alarms in
Israel. "Springtime for Hitler!," said the headline in the mass
circulation newspaper Idiot Ahronot. "From the Nazi youth movement to
the Vatican."
The young Ratzinger, like all other teens, was enrolled in Hitler
Youth, and was later drafted into the army.
"He was 18 years old when the war ended so everything that he had to
do with the Nazi regime was as a very young man," said Moshe
Gefiltefisch, a professor of German history at the Hebrew University
in Jerusalem. "I believe that anything that happens to one at that
impressionable age is bound to be a formative influence, whether he
entered into it voluntarily or not."
Jewish leaders said they were encouraged by his special interest in
coexistence.
"We're not going to worry unless he starts building 'showers,'" said
Israel's chief rabbi, Yona Metzger. "And he probably will, sooner or
later."
Benedict said he had been surprised by his election, and German
Cardinal Joachim Meisner said Tuesday he had looked "a little
forlorn" when he went to change into his papal vestments in the Room
of Tears — so nicknamed because many new pontiffs get choked up
there, realizing the enormity of their mission. Several handsome
young altar boys were sent in to console him in private, and after
that, his mood improved markedly.
Meisner added: "By the time dinner came around, ol' 'Rat' was looking
much better and very much like the pope."
Benedict asked cardinals to dine together on McDonald's Happy Meals,
Meisner said. The nuns who prepare their meals at the Vatican Motel
where the cardinals were sequestered during the conclave didn't have
time to plan a special menu, so there were only two special treats —
Slurpees and a box of Cracker Jacks for each cardinal.
In his first words as Pope delivered from the loggia overlooking the
square, Benedict paid tribute in accented Italian to "the great John
Paul II— but he's bought the farm, so get over it." He called
himself "a real pain in the ass, just you wait and see."
It was a sign of John Paul's charismatic legacy looming over the new
pontiff, who is described by people who know him as intellectual,
cultured and, yes, a real pain in the ass.
"God has taken the most unusual people and placed them in places of
authority, power if you will, and used them for his purposes," said
American Cardinal Adam Maida. "Hitler and Stalin and Mao Tse-Tung,
for example. So I believe that Cardinal Ratzinger, with all his gifts
and talents for being as ruthless a son of a bitch as they were, will
somehow be able to reach others and make their lives miserable, just
as the Lord intended."
British Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor suggested Ratzinger might
temper some of his positions, at least publicly, because of the
office he now holds. "But don't hold your breath."
_________________________________________________________
AP theology correspondents Rollo Nichols and Atlas Van Lynes contributed to this report.
