Hey guys, I took video production during my senior year of High School, In the last two months, I planned on making a Three Stooges Video, The script was made but the video was never made. the video itself was supposed to be a loose remake of Three Little Pirates and Half Wits Holiday, using the working title of Holiday, which was "No Gents No Cents". The script makes many references to the other shorts and many of Moe and Larry's co-stars (Such as Joe Besser and Shemp)
So I'll show you guys the script, I might make it into a YouTube Vid, if I have all the right elements to start it.
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"No Gents No Cents"
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Script Key
_________
G= Governor
GM= Governor’s Mistress
G= Guard(s)
IRA= Island Radio Announcer
M= Moe
L= Larry
C= Curly
B= Sappington the Butler
PQ= Professor Quackenbush
PS= Professor Sediltz
LL= LuLu
PG= Party Guest(s)
_________________________________________________________________________
"No Gents No Cents"
*Scene starts in a palace room with a stressed out Governor*
G: Call out the guards! I must find the ones responsible for my stolen jewels!
GM: Right away your excellency
*GM leaves the room*
G: A Drink! I must have a drink!
*Grabs a bottle of Vodka from under table and chugs it*
G: Horrible! but I needed it!
*One Guard come in*
G1: Your excellency, we found 3 suspicious looking men on the beach, we think it might be the dirty crooks who stole your jewels.
G: Excellent, go get them!
G1: Come on boys, bring the dirty crooks in!
*Two guards bring in the Stooges madly yelling*
G: Quiet you fools! State your names at once!
M: I'm Moe.
L: I'm Larry
C: I'm Curly
*C turns to M and L and shakes hands with them*
C: Nice to meet ya Strangahhhhhh! (Stranger)
G: I said QUIET! Now, why are you three here?
L: We were shipwrecked
G: Oh really? Is that true?
C: Why Soitenly! Why else would we be here?
*GM walks by*
C: Oh.. Hiya Babe *Giggles and Flirts*
*C to M*
C: I don't know about you but I know why I'm here now! Woo Woo!
G: ENOUGH! you know, I intended making galley slaves out of you three!
C: Gee Thanks!
G: But for your actions, you shall die!
M: Come on Gov! be a good sport.
L: Give us a chance!
G: Very well, you want a chance? You may choose the manner in which you will die.
L = Oh that’s easy! Old age.
*Moe laughs then slaps Larry, Larry slaps back, Moe slaps Larry again*
G: You have your choice. you may have your heads chopped off, or you may be burned at the stake
C: We'll take burning at the stake!
G: Very well. *Looks to guards* We'll toast them Monday at sundown.
M: You Scheming Schemer! What'd you pick 'burning at the stake' for?
C = Cause a hot steak is better than a cold chop. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
*Moe slaps Curly, Curly Slaps back, Larry then slaps Curly, Moe and Larry then slap Curly*
** One Guard Slaps all 3 and takes them to the Governor's Jail Cell**
**Scenes then transitions to The Governor’s jail cell*
M: You Dopey Dick! This is a fine mess you got us into. You got us into this, your gonna find a way out.
L: Yeah you Flat Foot Stooge! You better start thinking now!
*Curly starts to think but then his brain shorts out*
C: Hmm! I try to think but nothing happens!
M: COME ON BOY! THINK!
*Curly tries to think, A Car motor sound is heard from his head*
C: Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Nyuk Nyuk.. *Does a short Curly Shuffle*
*Curly Jumps up*
C: I've got it!!
M and L: WHAT?!
C: A Teriffic Headache!
*L Slaps C*
*L turns to M*
L: Moe I think we might be doomed
M: Oh..... Deer.
*L glares at M with a grin*
L: I didnt think you cared!
M: I don't! *M slaps L*
*Curly starts pacing*
C: I'm too young to die, too young and too handsome!
*Looks at a picture of Bigfoot, mistaking it for a mirror*
C: Nyahhhh! Well, I'm too young
M: That’s not even the mirror, you Scrambled Brain!
*Shows Curly the mirror*
C: oh! *Laughs* there I am! And as pretty as a picture
M: Yeah! Of an ape.
*Bonks Curly’s head*
*Curly then gets a thought*
C: Eureka!
M: You don’t smell so good either!
C: Ohh!
*C slaps M, M slaps back, then becomes a slap fight between M and C*
*Knock on the door, GM comes in*
GM: The Governor is napping now, I thought it’d be a good idea, to discuss how we can get off this accursed island for good.
L: Aren’t you the Governor’s fiancé though?
GM: Do you really think I'd want to marry someone who is that obsessed with the 17th Century?
M: Point taken sister, you must have a good idea to get us out of here.
GM: In fact I do
**The boys & GM huddle around whispering**
**Few minutes later, GM & the Boys appear in G’s office, in foreign clothes**
**GM goes up to G**
GM: Your Excellency (Bows Down/Kneels) These men bring rare gifts, allow me to present the rajah of…
M: Canazzi (Meaning Curly)
(Curly does a hand motion and slaps Moe)
GM: And his interpreter
L: The Gin of Rummy (meaning Moe)
(Moe does the same hand motion as Curly and slaps Larry)
G: Can we dispense with the formalities, and make with the gifts?
M: Oh yes, the gifts (Turns to Curly) SIT DOWN!
**Curly goes to chair, with his glasses making him practically blind, he has a hard time finding the chair, he misses first and finds it the second time**
G: What priceless gifts does the rajah bring?
M: Gifts? We shall see.
**Moe goes to sit next to Curly**
M: Maha
C: Aha
M: You like to speak that?
C: I like to talk that!
M: Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi a timi nicaronja. That, how you say, that Pickle Puss he askee taskee, what ditcha vat syke, do you gottik?
C: Nyaaathing!
M: Naahthing?
C: Yooks!
M: Oh boy!
**M now goes over to G**
M: The Maha
**Curly pops up**
C: Aha!! Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi a timi nicaronjee
M: Sit Down!
C: Ohhh!
*M turns to G*
M: The rajah says he is the barer of a rare jewel
*C takes out a lollypop & starts licking it*
M: Known as thee **G notices the lollypop**
G: A Ruby!
**M retrieves it**
G: A ruby as large as a turkey’s egg!
M: The Ruby de lollypopskiiyah
C: It’s Raspberry!
G: What fire! Never have I been given a raspberry! What other rarity does the rajah have for me?
M: He had some bubble gum but I think he swallowed it. But we shall see but we shall see!
*M goes to C*
M: Maha
C: Aha
M: Ello Doe!
C: Ah! Ello Doe!
M: Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi a timi nicaronja. That, how you call it, the Frog Head he askee taskee, what ditcha vat syke, Inganzoben, gottik something else kiddo?
C: Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi a timi nicaronjee, Potahveechee bautti ha! I go na see that.
*C pulls out his pen*
G: *In shock* A tusk of a Black walrus!
**M looks to C**
M: No leak that?
C: No leak that!
**M pats C on the head with the pen**
**M brings the pen to G**
M: Guaranteed to live forever
L: You shall live so long!
**M smacks L**
G: Ask the Maha
**Curly gets up again**
C: Aha! Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi a timi nicaronjee!
M: Sit down you Flatbush flathead!
C: Oh shut up I don’t have to!
*C tries to sit down but misses the chair and falls*
**C gets up into the chair**
C: Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi, I fall down! **Giggles**
*G to M*
G: Are there fair damsels in the raja’s land?
M: Chicks? We shall see!
M: Maha
C: Aha
M: Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi, nicaronja de nedos, de tyme, he askee taskee, what ditchjafat syke, denmahlay benmahlay, you got some slick chicks?
C: Oh a wolf! Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi a timi nicaronjee, Potahveechee bautti ha! I like to see some babes myself!
M: Me too-
**M realizes what C said and slaps him**
C: Hit a guy with glasses eh?
**M slaps him again**
C: alright.
*M goes to G*
M: The Maha.
C: Aha! Ras
*M interrupting C*: Sit DOWN!
C: Oh Shut up I don’t have to!
M to G: The rajah says, there are many chickadees, day & night frolicking through the meadows of his palace, and if you give us till sundown tomorrow, we shall return with many.
G: Excellent, I look forward to your return!
**GM walks by C**
C: Hiya Babe
**G’s eyes widen**
C: I mean. Ras Banyahs ya-tee benafoochi, Hiya babe… I blew it didn’t I?
G: It’s you 3!! Guards!! Guards!!
**The guards seize The Stooges**
G: I’m going to revoke your chances now.
**2 more guards come in with 3 more people**
G3: You’re Excellency; this is Mickey Finn & his gang
G4: They’re the ones who stole your treasure.
**G3 hands G what was stolen**
G: My precious jewels, reunited once more. **Turns to MF** you shall get the lions for this.
**Guards take MF into next room*
C to M: he never gave us that option
M: Shut up *Smacks C*
G: I clearly have made a mistake, I must apologize for keeping you 3 as prisoners. How can I make it up to you?
L: We need a way back to New York.
G: Very well, one of the guards who used to be here has a speedboat out there.
L: what happened to the guard?
G: I fed him to lions, simply because he didn’t follow the 17th Century rule, I want this place to be strictly 17th Century, taking that speedboat away will be doing me a favor.
*IRA bolts in*
IRA: You boys have been pardoned by our leader, something that rarely ever happens! Here, boys - say a few words, will ya?
M: [ghoulishly] Heeheehoohoowoooohahaa!! I am the shadow!
C: [into Moe’s face] BOO!
**Moe gets startled and starts crying like a baby**
*Later on the boat*
**Heard from a Distance**
GM: You morons! You Forgot me!! Come back!!
*L turns to M*
L: you know Moe, this reminds me of my childhood boating gig I had with your brother Shemp.
M: Oh really boy?
L: Yeah, we were known as the Fish Market Duet. We sang for the halibut
**Scene transitions to the dock in New York**
**The Boys step out of the boat and notice the failing economy**
L: Moe, things are different!
M: You’re right boy! a lot of job facilities are gone too.
*C grabs Newspaper*
C: hm!! The stocks are low! Say, why don’t we go back home now?
**The Stooges arrive @ their rundown apartment**
L: I'm so hungry, I can eat a horse.
M: Heh! What do you guys think you been eatin' for the last month on the previous boat?
C: Oh, no wonder every time I sneeze, I neigh like a horse! Ha, ha [suddenly sneezes, then neighs like a horse ] Nyuk, nyuk! [waves at Moe]
M: Alright, boys, listen. Now that we’re back in society, we’ve got to act like society.
C: I refuse to act that dopey.
L: Say, what do we know about society?
M: Well starting tomorrow, we’ve got to learn & get jobs too.
C: Does this mean I can no longer, go to sleep with my shoes on?
M: Say, I guess your not as dumb as you look.
C: Gee Thanks!
M: I said Not As, you nit-wit!
**Whacks Curly**
M: Hey Porcupine! Did you get something to eat?
L: Yeah, A couple of egg shells really fill you up.
M: Men, we need to find ourselves a job.
**The Stooges sit down at the Table**
C: Soitenly, here’s the newspaper.
*The Stooges spot a Plumbing job*
M: You boys want to do a plumbing job?
L: *Yawns* It may be our best choice
**L & M look to C**
C: I wouldn’t say Yes, but I couldn’t say No.
M: Would you say maybe?
C: I might.
M: Plumbing it is.
**Larry Starts to fall asleep**
M: Larry? **Knocks on Larry’s Head** say a few syllables.
L: *Wakes up, but half asleep* Goodnight mother, wind up the cat and put out the clock
**Larry falls asleep again**
M: *Looks to Curly*: Go on upstairs to bed, I’ll deal with Larry.
**Curly hurries off**
M: ohh Larry!
**Larry Snores**
**Moe grabs a hammer and bangs Larry’s head 3 times, The NBC chime is heard**
L: *Snores* *Sleep Talk* 3 o’clock Bolonia watch time
**Moe Hits Larry, Larry wakes up*
M: Wake up & Go to Sleep, moron, come on up to bed with you.
L: I had such a weird dream that Curly’s cousin Curly Joe & your Brother Shemp, turned into Maha-Rajah’s.
**Moe & Larry get up to the top of the stairs to see Curly rushing out of the bedroom**
M: what’s the big idea?
C: The beds are stacked up & and I can’t get to the top!
L: And?
C: I’m going to get some chairs and other furniture to stack up to get myself up top.
M: Now that’s using your head. **Turns to Larry** why don’t you ever use yours?
L: Same reason you don’t.
**Moe pokes Larry’s Eyes**
**Larry then has his eyes closed**
L: ooh! I can’t see! I can’t see!
M&C: What’s a Matter?
L: I’ve got my eyes closed!
M: Come on!!
*M drags L by his hair into the bedroom*
**Curly rushes off getting chairs and different furniture**
*Seconds Later in the Bedroom*
**Curly slowly climbs up the tall and shaky pile of furniture to the top bunk**
C: I’m alright now! Nighty-night!!
M & L *grumpily* Good night!
**Curly leaps from the furniture pile onto the top bunk bed, and as soon as his body lands on the mattress, the mattress breaks though, causing Curly to crash down through Larry and Moe’s beds and pin Moe down all the way on the bottom**
C: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!! Nyah!! **Turns to Larry and Moe** I fall down!
**Larry’s hand rises up to Curly’s face and slaps it, and Larry’s hand fastly drops*
**Transitions to Morning**
**The Alarm Clock Rings, but the Stooges mistaken it for their 3 separate Telephones**
M, L, C: Hello, Hello, Hello
C: Hello?
L: Hello?
**Moe puts down his phone**
C: How are you?
L: Fine, oh it's you! **Shakes Curly’s Hand** I didn't expect you!
C: **Still Shaking Hands** Boy, I didn't expect you either, glad to see you!"
**Moe notices it’s the alarm clock that’s ringing, Moe brings over the alarm clock and bangs it on Curly & Larry making the ringing stop**
M: Come on let’s get going! We’ve got a job to do.
C & L: Right
**Scene shifts over to the houes where The Stooges will be fixing the plumbing problem, where two men, who are professors are debating on a serious topic*
PQ: I say Environment!
PS: Heredity, heredity, is the very foundation of social distinction!
PQ: Your theory, my dear Professor Sediltz, is completely illogical, preponderantly impracticable, and more over it stinks!
PS: Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, poof-poof, to say nothing of pithel. I'll wager you a thousand dollars that my theory is correct.
PQ: Pooh-pooh and Pish-Posh. I'll except that bet and I'll take a man from the lowest straight of life and in two months, through 'environment,' make him a 'gentleman.
PS: *Laughs* We shall see, but we shall see!
*We now see Mr. Sappington (The Butler) opening Professor Quackenbush’s office door as Moe, Larry, and Curly are now entering in to fix the plumbing.*
B: I must thank you men for taking the job ever so quickly.
M: Pleasure is all ours, and you know what our motto is *Curly interrupts*
C: Don't worry, we always fix it right the second time. That’s it right?
M: Why you nitwit! *Smacks Curly*
B: I’ll just leave you three to your jobs!
**B walks off**
M: Alright boys let’s get busy.
C: Oh boy what a joint!
M: Place reminds me of the reform school!
L: Really? This place reminds me of my friend Joe, who had a summer home just like this, His wife Ernie wasn’t too fond of it.
M: So what happened to their summer home?
L: it burnt it down
M: Oh.
L: It wasn’t on purpose, It was the morning after Taco night, and they unknowingly had a gas leak, Ernie lit her cigarette as Joe’s Taco’s started backing up on him. The House then went POOF (Spits in Moe's Eye)
*M slaps L*
M: so it went POOF(spits in L's eyes) Wise guy *laughs*
*PQ is looking at PS in a state of wonderment*
PQ: The world speaks of one missing link, but I swear there are three
PS: Yes!
**Larry is Staring @ the Pipe**
L: I just realized something, I know nothing about plumbing. Doesn’t your brother Shemp know anything about Plumbing?
M: He does, but he & Curly’s cousin Curly-Joe are in Vegas this weekend.
**PS turns to PQ**
PS: There are your Guinea Pigs Professor, if you can make 'gentlemen' out of them, you'll go down in posterity as haven proved the 'Darwin Theory'
PQ: Quite so, my dear Sedrich. Let us interview them!
PS: Yes!
PQ: Oh boys!!
**The Stooges turn around as the Professors walk up to them**
PQ: You with the mattress body, now if I gave you a dollar, and your father gave you a dollar, how many dollars would you have?
C: One dollar!
PQ: You don't know your arithmetic
C: You don't know my father! Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
PQ: How would you boys like to make a thousand dollars?
*The Stooges step forward looking scared*
M: Who do you have to moider (Murder)?
PQ: Oh, nothing like that, all you have to do is let me make 'gentlemen,' of you!
*The Boys Cringe*
M: No, no, not that!
L: Our father would never forgive us!
C: There ain't been a 'gentleman,' in our family for fifty generations!
M: Quit Bragging!
*M slaps C*
M: Okay, for a thousand bucks, we'll even become 'gentlemen'.
PQ: Excellent! Then it's settled, please sit down and cross your legs.
*PQ grabs his hole puncher*
PQ: Ah! There we are!
*Professor Quackenbush hits Larry on his knee to check his reflexes, Moe's leg kicks forward. Professor Quackenbush is now giving Professor Sedrich a look of wonderment and dazement. Professor Quackenbush hits Moe's knee to check his reflexes, which now has caused Larry to kick his leg forward*
PQ: Remarkable, my dear Sedlitz!
PS: Inconceivable, my dear Quackenbush!
*Curly is sitting there with a blank look on his face as he is watching Professor Quackenbush hit his knee to test his reflexes, but no results. Professor Sedlitz is now hitting Curly on his knee with the side of his hand to test his reflexes, but once again no results. Professor Quackenbush is now hitting Curly hard on his head with the chisel which has caused Curly to kick his leg forward and getting Professor Sedlitz square in the chin*
*PS gets up, PQ turns to PS*
PQ: There is definite vacancy of the cranium
C: Gee, thanks!
*Sedlitz turns to Quackenbush*
PS: You've made the bet, you're stuck with them, I'll be back to collect my money in sixty days! Good Luck.
PQ: Ah, no, no, I'll win
PS: What!? with these Morons?
*We now see Larry, Moe, and Curly standing up and looking at Professor Sedlitz with looks of madness on their faces*
M: Yeah, but we're organized! (We now see Moe with a really happy, proud and yet mischievous tone of voice as he pulls a button out of his pocket that reads): "A.A.M. Local 6-7/8!" Amalgamated Association Of Morons, Local 6-7/8
MLC: We are Morons tried and true, and we'll do our yell for you, (Random Words, Random Noises)
*Sedlitz looks to Quackenbush*
PS: Like I said good luck
*Sedlitz leaves*
PQ: Oh boys! First thing I need you to do, I am going to assign you jobs as Janitors at a local facility you will also be painting too, but I feel that it will help you evolve into gentlemen as well. By the way, use my cell phone, so I can get a hold of you three.
*Hands it to Moe*
M: Here we go again! You got it Boss!
*The Stooges Leave*
PQ: What have I gotten myself into?
**The Stooges arrive to a vacant lot, where a vacant store is about to have a major store move into it**
C: Oh boy fellas this looks exciting!
M: Alright Boys, lets get busy!
**Curly drops both his bags with paint cans in them, the cans crush Moe’s foot**
**Moe begins hopping with pain, Curly and Larry begin dancing, singing mock Russian**
(They bump each other)
M: Come on!! Let’s get goin’ already!
**Curly takes out the paint, and gets confused of which one to use, either Charmin Hi-Lee or a BronzeCalf Hi-Low.
C: Hey Fellas! Which paint should we use?
M: The Charmin Hi-Lee!
L: No, no! BronzeCalf Hi-Low!
M: Hi-Lee!
L: Hi-Lo!
M: Hi-Lee!
L: Hi-Low!!
**Curly pokes Moe**
C: Hi Lee, Hi Low, Hi Lee, Hi Low, Hi Lee, Hi Low
**Larry also sings with Curly**
L: Boop Boop, Boop Boop, Boop Boop.
**Moe stops them**
M: wait a minute!
**Moe turns to Curly**
M: Hi Lee, Hi Low?
**Curly Nods**
C: Hi Lee Hi Low.
**Moe turns to Larry**
M: Boop Boop?
L: Boop Boop!
**Moe double-slaps them**
M: We’ll use both! Come on!! We need to get going at this!
*Curly grabs the bag and realizes there's another can of paint in there
C: Oh!! There's another brand fellas!
*C takes out the paint can*
C: We could use this 10th Century, Ras Banyahs Yat-Tee Benefoochi a Timi Nicaronjee!
M: That's enough Rajah!
*Slaps C*
C: *Barks* I'll tell Santy Clause on you!
M: GET GOIN'!
**The boys take the paint cans and Moe goes straight to painting**
**Yet Larry & Curly start a paint can version of checkers**
C: Woo Woo Woo Woo!
**Curly takes a paint can and moves it diagonally on the checked floor. When he drops the paint can, it falls on Larry’s foot**
**Curly grabs two of Larry’s paint cans and puts them to side after he makes his move**
C: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.
**Larry is thinking for a while before he makes his next move in the checker game. Curly sees a spot on the checkered floor for Larry to make a move. Curly quickly opens his jacket and tries to block Larry’s view. Larry peaks over Curly’s jacket and sees the spot. He moves his paint can diagonally and he takes Curly’s paint can**
L: I’m a king, now crown me
C: You’re lucky. [Takes his hat and covers Larry’s paint can]
[Moe walks up to Larry and Curly]
M: You guys don’t get to work, I’ll crown ya. Get it outta here! [Kicks Curly’s hat on the floor, which has the paint can under it] Owww!
[Moe starts hopping up and down in pain. Curly and Larry start making a rhythmic clap as Moe is in pain. Moe looks at Curly and Larry in anger and they stop. As Curly bends down to pick up the paint cans, Moe kicks Curly in the rear]
C: Listen You!
M: What?
*Curly tries to slap Moe, but then gets a message on his phone from Quackenbush telling them to get back for their first lesson*
C: Come on fellas!
*They rush off*
**Transitions to the House**
L: Well, here we are Professor
M: Rearin', to go!
PQ: Excellent! All right, we'll now start our first reading lesson, turn to page one! Read, Moe!
**Moe reads it up-side down**
M: taR ytriD eehT seY. Glug zap snorglots ramitz. Ronassonce, kibertz
*As Moe was happily reading, we see Larry looking at Moe with a look of wonderment on his face as he is looking at Moe and is wondering what he is reading. Professor Quackenbush has now reached over and turned Moe's book to go the correct way*
M: "Oh, see the cat; does the mouse see the cat? Yes, the dirty rat!"
*As Moe was reading his sentence he has now looked over at Larry with a devilish look on his face as Moe was referring to Larry*
L: Don't get poisonal (Personal)!
PQ: Here, here! Larry, read page four!
L: Oh, see the little deer, has the deer a little doe?
C: Why Soitenly! Two Bucks! Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
**Moe Mimic’s Curly’s laugh and smacks him**
PQ: Curly! Read page 6!
C: Oh, see the pretty cat; does the pretty cat have chickens?
PQ: That's kittens; a cat does not have chickens
C: Oh, no? Well, I had a cat, and it got into the chicken house, and that cat had chickens!
*Larry & Moe Laugh while Quackenbush looks in embarrassment*
C: Ohhh. another pagey! I’ll read it.
PQ: Very Well.
C: Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, and one measly petunia!
*He spits towards Moe when he says Petunia*
M: A what?
C: Petunia! Petunia!
M: Don't you mean chrisanthinthinamumum?
C: I mean Petunia!!
M: I heard you the first time!
*Moe Slaps Curly, Curly slaps Larry, All Three then slap back and fourth*
PQ: Gentlemen! Gentleman!!!
*The Stooges stop fighting and turn around*
*Curly looks to QuackenBush*
C: Who came in?
PQ: I mean you three!
C: We’re gentlemen now?! In that case I want my Thousand Bucks!
**Curly laughs**
PQ: I should’ve never made that bet!
**Now transitions to Quackenbush in his kitchen pacing around**
**a Woman then shows up**
LL: Here I am daddy!
PQ: Excellent, can you help me fulfill this bet?
LL: I can try; I’ll teach them some proper table etiquette to start off.
PQ: Very good. Oh boys!!
**The Stooges bolt in**
PQ: Gentlemen, this is my daughter, Lulu.
M: What, a Lulu!
**Curly has now whistled at her in a flirtatious happy manner, as he is also howling like a coyote, bending his head backwards. As Curly had his head bent backwards with his mouth opening yelling like a coyote, Moe is now mad at Curly and has ashed out his cigar into Curly's mouth. Curly is now coughing and choking on Moe's ashes. Curly has now taken his handkerchief from his top suit jacket pocket and is coughing into it**
C: Listen You!
PQ: Boys, boys, no more nonsense!
LL: Now gentlemen, the first lesson in etiquette will be table manners, you must always observe the rules of etiquette. Please be seated.
PQ: Now boys, watch Lulu carefully and whatever she does at this table, you must do
**The Butler comes in**
B: Pardon me Professor, but a Mr. Healy wishes to speak with you on the phone.
*PQ looks to the boys*
PQ: Pardon me, I'll be right back
**We now see Moe, Larry, and Curly looking at Lulu in a really happy manner as they are smiling sweetly at her as Lulu now has a powder compact and lipstick tube in her hand as she is freshening up her make-up**
*L looks to LL*
L: You know Babe; you sure are the hubba, hubba, kid, hubba, hubba, waaa-hooo!
M: You're right boy!
LL: Well, thank-you!
**All the while that Larry and Moe were flirting with Lulu we were seeing Curly seriously taking to heart what Professor Quackenbush had said about doing whatever Lulu does at the table as we now see Curly with her powder compact and lipstick tube as he is now applying them to his face.**
**As Moe has now noticed Curly applying her make-up and is giving Curly a really wicked look**
M: What's the idea, 'Flattop'?
C: The Professor said do everything she does!
M: Why, I ought to tear your tonsils out
C: Shut up!
**Curly sticks out his tongue and now we see Moe with a really wicked look on his face as he is now painting Curly's tongue with the lipstick. Curly at first has a really painful look on his face as he is first tasting the lipstick. After he has tried it he is now smiling happily as he is now finishing off the rest of the lipstick because he likes it. Moe is still sitting there glaring at Curly in a really wicked manner. Curly has now happily finished the lipstick**
**Moe double-slaps Curly**
C: Listen you!
LL: Curly dear, it’s not polite to yell at the table, especially when someone is on the phone.
Curly: But-
**LuLu then interrupts Curly by shushing him, Curly then shushes Larry, Larry shushes Moe, and they start to do an imitation of a train, after they finish their imitation, a person with a conductor outfit pops up at the doorway**
TC: All up for Syracuse! **Train whistle is heard**
*The person leaves*
**PQ returns to the table**
PQ: LuLu that was Uncle Ted! He just found that he is going to be a father
LL: How Wonderful!
PQ: All right, now we will resume the lessons, time for the luncheon!
C: Oh goody, I’m starved!
PQ: It’s not like that Curly, with learning etiquette, you will learn with imaginary food.
C: Imaginary? I’m not doing that.
**Curly is now getting down from his chair and is crawling over to the cat's milk saucer and he is now lapping up loudly the kitty cat's saucer of milk**
**Moe & Larry start playing patty cake**
LL: Daddy I see what you mean.
PQ: I told ya. I should’ve par-taken in this bet.
LL: Imagine what they would’ve been like as babies
**PQ’s eyes widen, and a Flashback starts**
**In the crib are three babies that look exactly like Moe, Larry and Curly. The babies are drinking milk. Each of them has their own bottle nipples to drink from. Their bottle nipples are connected to the same container of milk. Baby Moe steals the bottle nipple from Baby Curly. Baby Curly starts crying. Baby Curly takes back the Bottle nipple and squirts milk on Baby Moe’s face. Baby Moe eyepokes Baby Curly and Baby Curly starts crying. Baby Curly continues to drink his milk from the bottle nipple, but Baby Moe steals it again. Baby Curly cries again. Baby Moe steals Baby Larry’s bottle nipple as well. Baby Curly and Baby Larry fight with Moe to get their bottle nipples back. Baby Larry can’t get his bottle nipple back, so he cries. Baby Moe slaps Baby Larry. Baby Shemp and Baby Larry cry while Moe drinks the milk**
**Flashback ends**
**It is now the night of Professor Quackenbush’s house party, also the night where he must prove that he succeeded with his bet**
PQ: Now, 'gentlemen,' try and remember everything that you've been taught and if your debut into society tonight is successful, the money is yours!
C: Professor Quackenbush, have no qualms or trepidations.
L: We will justify your faith in us, inaudibly, sir
M: Professor, the ressisatudes that we've encountered have elevated us to a lofty position
PQ: Thank-you, gentlemen! Come, I'll introduce you.
**Professor Quackenbush has now approached Professor Sedlitz and the guests**
PS: Good evening!
PQ: May I introduce my three protégés. Mrs. Gottrocks.
L: Delighted
M: Devastated
C: Dilapidated
PQ: The Countess Schpritzwasser
L: Enchanted
M: Enraptured
C: Embalmed
M: Oh, pardon us.
**The Stooges walk off**
PG1: Quaint, aren't they, but cute.
**Quackenbush looks to Sedlitz**
PQ: I hope you have your checkbook with you.
PS: It's a miracle, but the evening is still young
**The Boys approach LuLu**
C: Good evening, Miss LuLu.
M: My, but you looking charming
LL: Oh, thank-you boys, you look charming too!
**Curly walks off to the table and notices a bottle of Champaign**
C: ohh, CHAM-PAG-KNEE
**Curly then yawns and stretches his arms out, accidentally punching a guest**
C: oh pardon me pal, I apologize.
PG2: Its quite alright, It’s in my nature to forgive, for I am an aristocrat, I am Hassan Ben Sobar!
C: I had a few too many myself
*Moe then calls Curly over**
M: Oh, Curlyington!
C: Yesington?
M: May I present, Mrs. Smythe-Smythe
C: You certainly may
**Curly turns to MSS**
C: Hiya!
PG3: I'm charmed
**Now the scene turns over to Sedlitz on the far side room**
PS: There’s got to be someway to get Quackenbush to loose the bet.
**LuLu walks over to Sedlitz**
LL: This is the most interesting experiment. The went from Morons to Gentlemen! I couldn’t get them to stop doing a dance when the butler got his toe crushed and started hopping up & down, and now they can control themselves.
PS: Indeed, what a great experiment. Excuse me for a second.
**PS walks off to a different room**
PS: If I can get Quackenbush to set the boys off dancing like morons, I may just win the bet, but how to do it
**PS walks towards the wall**
**In the background you can hear**
L: Give it back
C: I lost the combination, *Laughs*
**Sound of silverware falling on the floor**
C: Well what do you know?
M: Dummy, I hope no one saw us.
**PS finds a mouse in the wall, and laughs**
PS: You my little friend will make the professor loose his bet
**PS walks into the other room, The Stooges also come into the room**
PS: Incredible transformation boys! How’d you manage to do it?
**While Moe explains, PS flings a mouse towards PQ**
M: A bunch of training and quite a bit of 'WOR-SES-TER-CHER-CHER-SHEER-SHEER-SHEER-SIRE-SIRE' sauce, I can't say 'Worcestershire
PS: quite alright
**Goes back to PQ, The mouse goes down PQ’s shirt, and PQ jumps up, starts yelling and jiggling around**
**Moe goes up to PQ and observes, Then Larry & Curly follow, Moe then snaps, The Stooges bolt out in a full blown Russian Cossack Dance Routine**
**After a while PQ stops and realizes that he has lost the bet**
**PS walks over to PQ**
PQ: Here's your check back, and believe me, I've learned that you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear
**The Stooges walk pass them**
PQ: You inconceivable morons. I lost my money, oh; there goes my trip to Niagara Falls
**Larry and Moe Snap**
L & M: Niagara Falls!! Slowly we turned, step by step, inch by inch.
*The professor & Larry and Moe run off*
**Curly laughs**
C: What a Routine! Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk
**PS walks up to C and hands him a $50 dollar bill**
PS: Thank you, got get yourself something nice
**Larry and Moe then return**
M: So where to now Boys?
*Curly and Larry look at each other and grin*
L and C: We want to go to Niagra Falls!
*M Snaps*
M: Niagra Falls! Slowly I Turned, Step By Step
L to C: Oh this is bad, Do something!
*C grabs a pie off the table*
M: I Sma...
*Curly hits Moe with a Pie*
M: Why you!
*Larry then Hits Moe with a Pie*
M: I'll murder you!
*Moe then grabs two pies and hits Curly and Larry*
*Curly has a fit and grabs a Flower pot and smashes it on Moe's head*
L: He's gonna murder you later boy!
**Curly and Larry then drag Moe out**
M: Maha!
C: Aha?
M: Yaht Tah Benafoochi a Timi Nicaronja!
*Short Ends*
