I completed my 10-comment probation -- now I can work full-time at making you wish this booby had never been hatched!
The following was a time-waster I tossed together for the "LOST" TV show board, early in Season 5 when the story was centering around the mysterious new arrivals who came to the island on a freighter (aka "the freighties):
THE SIX STOOGES in "FREIGHTIE CATS"
starring:
Moe Howard as Dr. Mook Schlepper
Shemp Howard as Ben Lyin'
Larry Fine as Lames "Lawyer" Fraud
Joe Besser as Gayeed Sarong
"Curly" Howard as "Locke" Jawes
"Curley Joe" DeRita as "Hurley Jorge" DeReyes
[It's another perilous island day for our desperate, homesick castaways. Dr.
Schlepper is attempting to shave using a broken seashell for a razor and sea
foam for lotion, with poor results. Bald lunatic "Locke" Jawes is on the beach
stalking clams. One has just dived out of his reach; he is staring intently into the
water seeking it when the clam suddenly reappears, opens up and squirts a
stream of clam juice right in his eye.]
"Locke": Woo woo! Why, you... I'll show you ta keep yer Pearl Stationary!
[He pulls a pistol and begins firing wildly into the water, but the clam has once
again eluded him.]
Mook: Hey! "Locke", you nuthatch! Next time I see ya wastin' shells on those sea shells I'll waste you!
[As he approaches "Locke" he notices a gleam beneath the water's surface.]
Mook: Say, what is that down there?
Lawyer : Where d'ya mean?
Mook: Down under the surface of the water, crabhead... It looks like a submarine! Maybe we can use it
ta finally get off this crummy island!
"Locke": I don't see nuttin', Mook. Ya mean there?
["Locks" indicates a location by waving the gun.]
Mook: No, you salt-water daffy -- There! By that coral down there!
"Locke": A coral? Ain't that where they keep the sea cows?
[Mook conks "Locke" on the coconut with a coconut.]
"Locke": Oh! You mean there!
[He fires the gun into the water. There is an enormous underwater explosion, and shards of twisted metal fly through the air.]
"Locke": Well, whattaya know! You wuz right, Mook! There was a submarine down there! N'yuk! N'yuk!
Mook: Why, you...! You just sank out ticket home!
[The Dr. begins to chase the maniacally laughing "Locke" down the beach and into
the distance. Meanwhile, con-man Lames "Lawyer" Fraud casually enters the
scene and begins to use Mook's "shaving kit" on his own stubbly beard as he views the chase.]
Lawyer: Well, isn't that quisn't! The Doc seems to have come down with a sudden
case of the runs! Looks like Kute has no choice but to be my date for the big
luau tonight! Looks like this Lawyer's gonna need a fresh set of briefs! Hey,
Fatty Arbuckle!
["Hurley Joe" DeReyes turns and frowns at Lawyer.]
"Hurley Jorge": Fatty's not my name, dude! I'd never do nothin' bad to no goil with no Coke
bottle!
Lames: Naaaa-a-aaah! Not 'til you'd sucked out every last sugary drop of cola, at least. Look, Oliver Hearty,
you wanna earn a case of Appalling Bars? Take this flower to Kute and tell
her if she comes by my tent in an hour we can raise a big flap together!
"Hurley Jorge": Whatever, dude. Ya gotta raise the big flap just ta get inta your tent! Hey! Look up
there! What's that?!?
[Everyone looks into the sky, where they see an unfamiliar young woman parachuting onto the island. The members of the group all get very excited.]
"Hurley Jorge": It's a girl, dudes! Maybe she's here to rescue us!
Lawyer : Well, hell-lo, Amelia Airbag! You know, from this distance at least it looks like she's got a nice pair'a... shoot!
[Lawyer realizes "Locke" is back and has pulled a gun. He grabs at it too late:
"Locks" aims and fires. There is a woman's scream followed by a sickening thud.]
Lawyer: What the hell!?!
"Locke": N'yuk! N'yuk! Sorry, Lames, I thought you wanted me ta "shoot"! Woo woo!
Lawyer: You know, Gandhi Pants, since we crashed on this rotten island, you've burned
down, blown up, and shot to pieces somewhere around 108 planes, trains, and
automobiles -- any of which mighta been our ticket back to civilization! Why, if I didn't
know better, I'd say you was doin' it on purpose!
"Locke" : Hey! Kin I help it if I've got "issues"? Anyhow, none a' dat matters - if the island
wills it, we'll get off!
Lawyer: Naw... But if Kute allows it, I'll "get off"!
[The mysterious leader of the "Utters," Bin Lyin, has been tied to a nearby
tree all this time, seemingly unconscious. He abruptly opens his eyes.]
Bin: "Locks" is correct, you know! As sure as my name is Bin Lyin!
[Pudgy Iraqi militant Gayeed Sarong minces in from out in the jungle.]
Gayeed: Oo-ooh! And just how sure are you of that, ya silly?
Bin: Not very -- At this point, I've established enough aliases to be my own major league
baseball team!
Gayeed: Oh, you big crazy! You could never beat the Red Sox!
Lawyer : Or your stinky socks!
Gayeed: You...! Stop that talk or I'll torture you!
Lawyer: What, with your stinky socks?
Gayeed: Grrrr! I told you never to call me Stinky again!!!
[Gayeed tries to engage Lawyer in a slap-fight, but Lawyer cuts him off with
a sharp bop to the shnozzola.]
Gayeed: Ouch! That hurt!!! Cut it out and listen! I was out in the jungle hunting for small
game...
Bin: I could've saved you some trouble -- I've got a pocket chess set in my other
pants back at camp...
Gayeed: Oooohhh! Stop that! And I'll decide what's camp around here, missy! Anyways, I
swear I saw a helicopter out there, looking for a spot to land! It was cuh-razy!
Lawyer: Really? Dat's great! Just lemme grab my bazooka... er, my helicopter... landing...
guidey helpy thing, and we can all go search for it!
[Mook finally makes it back, gasping for air from all the running around.]
Mook: Not a chance, ya trigger-happy termite! You guard the prisoner and I'll check
out this 'copter business!
Lames: I'm with ya on this one, Dr. Livingston.
Gayeed: Ooohh! Me, too! Me too!!!
"Hurley Jorge": Count me in, dudes!
[The quartet trudges through the jungle 'til they reach a clearing where a chopper
has just landed. Four crewmen named Flunk, Mauls, Char-Lit and Damn (aka the
"Freightie Cats") wave as they approach. Char-Lit looks especially concerned.]
Char-Lit: Say, have you fellas seen a woman wearing a silver bracelet and a white
parachute? She was supposed to meet us here.
Mook: Oh, the girl? She, ummm, left... She said to say she was, er... dropping out of the
mission!
"Hurley Jorge": Not to mention the sky, dude!
[Mook bops "Hurley Jorge" on the noggin.]
"Hurley Jorge": Yo, dude! Uncool! Watch the hands!
Mook: No, you watch the fingers! This one... and this one. Got 'em? Good!
[He gives "Hurley Jorge" an eye poke.]
"Hurley Jorge": Duu-uuude!!!!
(To be continued... during the next hiatus, maybe!!!)
- mnw
