BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

BeAStooge · **Reply #275 on:** January 19, 2007, 10:55:52 PM

Not a joke... just hilarious, real-life, slapstick irony.

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jrvass · **Reply #276 on:** January 20, 2007, 01:52:06 PM

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link.

Chanting "Allah Akbar" will earn you extra credit.

James

Bangsmith · **Reply #277 on:** January 22, 2007, 03:28:35 PM

NICE!!! I'm lucky my boss didn't see it when I clicked on that link! al-Jazeera should use that for their opening credits each news hour!!!

jrvass · **Reply #278 on:** January 28, 2007, 08:30:48 PM

Leprosy
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."

"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomit. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."

So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, that what is it?"

"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."

Giff me dat fill-em! · **Reply #279 on:** January 29, 2007, 06:50:35 PM

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Dog Hambone · **Reply #280 on:** February 01, 2007, 03:59:46 PM

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

   40-ish - 49
   Adventurous - Slept with everyone
   Athletic - No tits
   Average looking - Ugly
   Beautiful - Pathological liar
   Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
   Emotionally secure - On medication
   Feminist - Fat
   Free spirit - Junkie
   Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
   Fun - Annoying
   New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
   Open-minded - Desperate
   Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
   Passionate - Sloppy drunk
   Professional - Bitch
   Voluptuous - Very Fat
   Large frame - Hugely Fat
   Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

   1. Yes = No
   2. No = Yes
   3. Maybe = No
   4. We need = I want
   5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
   6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
   7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
   8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
   9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
   10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

   1. I am hungry = I am hungry
   2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
   3. I am tired = I am tired
   4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
   5. I love you = let's have sex now
   6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
   7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
   8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
   9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
   10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
   11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

Giff me dat fill-em! · **Reply #281 on:** February 01, 2007, 07:48:36 PM

OUTHOUSE NEEDS FIXIN'

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....."Pa! you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there an fix it."
So.... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yer head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take yer head out of the hole!"
Pa preceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

Dog Hambone · **Reply #282 on:** February 20, 2007, 05:34:43 PM

An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed into the front of his pants.
The bartender said, "That looks painful."
The Irishman replied, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Bangsmith · **Reply #283 on:** February 21, 2007, 10:29:11 AM

A guy had a particularly rough lovemaking session with a blonde bimbo. When he was done, his penis was so sore that he felt the need to cool it off. Grabbing the first thing he could think of, he stuck his dick in a glass of milk.
His bimbo girlfriend then walked into the kitchen, and upon seeing him, said "Aw, wow! I always wondered how men reloaded that thing!"

Dunrobin · **Reply #284 on:** February 26, 2007, 02:04:33 PM

This one was sent to me by a co-worker:

The Pope Goes On Vacation

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when he noticed a huge commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell With Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it's carcass onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I had heard that there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off smiling, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the first logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, how's the bait holding up? Do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

Robbie883 · **Reply #285 on:** February 26, 2007, 02:22:01 PM

Why did the boy blush when he opened up the fridge?

He saw the Salad dressing...

BeAStooge · **Reply #286 on:** February 28, 2007, 11:45:59 AM

I think that the “US Alert Status” is orange, or maybe it’s pink with gold ruffles.

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross " Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Dog Hambone · **Reply #287 on:** March 12, 2007, 03:58:22 PM

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

xraffle · **Reply #288 on:** March 12, 2007, 07:09:08 PM

I love that joke. About a year ago, my uncle emailed that to me. I thought it was really good. I only wish Abbott & Costello were alive today to perform that.

Dog Hambone · **Reply #289 on:** March 20, 2007, 03:48:43 PM

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest asked, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!"

jrvass · **Reply #290 on:** March 21, 2007, 06:26:04 PM

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It works there just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
~~~~~~~~~~
James

Dog Hambone · **Reply #291 on:** March 21, 2007, 08:24:09 PM

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

jrvass · **Reply #292 on:** April 02, 2007, 12:29:10 AM

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Boy................ ..go git cha Momma.............

jrvass · **Reply #293 on:** April 06, 2007, 08:34:01 AM

True Fact:

Talking to one of my cow-orkers the other day, she mentions that her son named their new dog "Stain". She asked why.

He said so when he called for it he could say "Come Stain! Come Stain!"

James

Bangsmith · **Reply #294 on:** April 06, 2007, 03:54:03 PM

Did you hear that the Ku Klux Klan bought the rights to that classic miniseries "Roots"?

They're going to show it backwards so that it has a happy ending!!

Jimmie Adams · **Reply #295 on:** April 12, 2007, 10:49:34 PM

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender says:

"Why the long face?"

How many kids with ADD does ot take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

ThumpTheShoes · **Reply #296 on:** April 12, 2007, 11:46:36 PM

Meanwhile, earlier today outside CBS studios, Mrs. Janie Jackson and Mrs. Alice Sharpton have a playful exchange over a pair of dice:

[Jackson] "Knock, knock!"

[Sharpton] "Who dere?"

[Jackson] "Imus."

[Sharpton] "Imus Who?"

[Jackson] "Imus be havin' a bad day!"

[Sharpton] "No, you ain't!"

[Jackson] "True, dat!"

[Laughter ensues, and the game of Seven-Come-Eleven continues]

Author's note: I'm suspending myself for two weeks for that one. Also, I'd like to offer a full apology, presented as a written imitation of Imus-- here we go:

"Ah, rrrrbbbrggh mrrgrrhrrmrrruuurrrh [chew, chew, chew...]. Memhngrgh errrhmmrer hermm, [chew, smack, chew] rerhh mnngmergh."

Actually, I may never be allowed to post again, but it was a fun ride!

-ThumpTheShoes
(Stooge fan and admitted cracker)

Dunrobin · **Reply #297 on:** April 13, 2007, 07:03:10 AM

That was funny as hell, Thump! To hell with the "suspension" - we're not a bunch of pussies around here, like CBS and MSNBC.

Besides, if people don't like a post, they can always "smite" it.

JazzBill · **Reply #298 on:** April 13, 2007, 03:59:00 PM

Jessie Jackson sure had a lot nerve getting involved in this. I seem to remember him referring to New York City as "Hymie Town". He kept his job as a profesional agitator.

Giff me dat fill-em! · **Reply #299 on:** April 13, 2007, 11:17:08 PM

Here's a parody music clip about "our brother" Jesse from the '90's you may find appealing ...
(this clip will be available for two weeks after the post date, then deleted)

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BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

Dog Hambone

Dog Hambone

Dog Hambone

xraffle

Dog Hambone

Dog Hambone

Jimmie Adams

ThumpTheShoes