Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[jrvass]

A guy goes into a costume shop.  He says, "I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam."
 
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
 
But he says, "Not big enough!"
 
So she brings out a bigger one.
 
"Still not big enough!"
 
So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.
 
"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.
 
So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

[Bangsmith]

I've found a few of Senior Valby's recordings floating around on the internet, and I'll venture an attachment of one of his "lesser" (in explicatives and sexual references) works ... Bangsmith, we have a common nasty trait!

Thanks! I have what I believe to be all of his in-print CDs. There are several old cassette-only releases from the '80's that have gone out of print. You can get the CDs at laugh.com.

[Dog Hambone]

Three little Boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest Church, but only the Janitor was there.
                                                   

One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?"
 
"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think we are?"


The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, ......because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, .....because they dunk all of you in the water. "We're not Methdiss, .....because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"


They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"


"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.

[Bangsmith]

The Pope had just finished addressing the crowd in St. Peter's Square when one of his cardinals approached him with a message.
"What does it say?" asked the Pope.
The cardinal replied: "It says,'you must have sex with a beautiful woman of the Church is doomed' signed THE MAFIA".
"OK," said the Pope, "but under three conditions:
First, she must be deaf so she cannot hear what is happening! Second, she must be blind so she cannot see who is committing this horrible deed! And third-----
she's got to have BIG TITTIES!!!! Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-BOOM!!" 

[jrvass]

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Bangsmith]

Two conceited people were arguing about who has the bigger penis. As they were walking along, they crossed a bridge, and both had to take a leak.
Continuing the argument, the first guy said, "Gee, the water's cold!"
The other guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep, too!!"

[BeAStooge]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Great one, BeAStooge ... I've sent that one to all my email buds.
Here's one I heard from a co-worker today:

A young man was taking a test drive and the salesman was hawking the features of the car. “This car is the ultimate in creature comforts. It has a full sound system with an interactive voice control. Just speak the name of a radio station, and the radio will automatically tune to it.” The man spoke a radio call sign, and the radio immediately tuned to it. “Wow, this is great”, said the man. The salesman continued, “It will also tune to appropriate stations just by speaking a genre, just try it”. So, the man said “Rock” and the radio jumped to a local rock station. Then he said “Alternative” and again the radio jumped to an appropriate station. Suddenly, a group of kids raced out in front of the car trying to cross the street. The young man slammed on the brakes, narrowly evading an accident. He sighed saying, “Fucking kids”, and the radio immediately began playing Michael Jackson music.

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Abbott: If you love her, you'll wait for her, right? Okay, let's say you're 10 and she's 40.
Costello: I'm 10 and she's 40 ...
Abbott: That makes her 4 times as old as you. So you wait 5 years. You're 15 and she's 45.
Costello: Okay, I'm 15 and she's 45 ...
Abbott: Now she's only 3 times as old as you. So you wait another fifteen years. That makes you 30 and she'd be 60.
Costello: Help me out ... how old is she now?
Abbott: Now, she's only twice as old as you.
Costello: Only twice as old?
Abbott: Yes. Now, here's the question ... how many years do you have to wait before you and her are the same age?
Costello: Let's see ... ummm ... er ...
Abbott: Come on, don't you know? Answer me! ...
Costello: Gimme some time!
Abbott: Can't you do simple arithmetic?
Costello: I waited for her for twenty years ... can't she give me a few minutes?

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

I picked this one up from a co-worker today ...
(Sung to the tune of "Rock the Boat" by The Hues Corporation)

Drop the Soap
Don't drop the soap baby
Drop the Soap
Don't bend yourself over
Drop the Soap
Don't drop the soap baby
Drop the Sooooooaaaaaap ...

[jrvass]

I picked this one up from a co-worker today ...
(Sung to the tune of "Rock the Boat" by The Hues Corporation)

Drop the Soap
Don't drop the soap baby
Drop the Soap
Don't bend yourself over
Drop the Soap
Don't drop the soap baby
Drop the Sooooooaaaaaap ...

Is this from the new movie "Let's go to Prison"? I saw their website www.letsgotoprison.com briefly on Friday. It looked like a funny movie. The movie title is imprinted on a bar of soap, near the shower drain, in the newspaper ads.

James

[Piper]

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

[Bangsmith]

A man had to take a hot piss, and being in such a hurry to get to the bathroom, he accidentally ran into the lady's room. A woman who was startled by his arrival shrieked, "This is for LADIES! THIS IS FOR LADIES!!!"
Waving his penis at her, he replied, "Yeah, so is THIS!!!"

[Piper]

   10 Points to Ponder

Number 10
   Life is sexually transmitted.

   Number 9
   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    Number 8
   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,
   make him a sandwich.

   Number 7
   Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the
   Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

   Number 6
  Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still
  can't help but smile when you shove them down  the stairs.

  Number 5
  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
  nothing.

   Number 4
  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
  criticism.

   Number 3
  Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial
  tax cut saves you thirty cents?

  Number 2
  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
  and people take Prozac to make it normal.


  AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions
and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands
of terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in
charge of immigration.

[jrvass]

Subject: Holiday Warning

Please be careful... Especially with festivities of the season upon us! This is a very serious warning to all my friends.

Drinking and driving is extremely dangerous!!!

Saturday morning I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate turning left, and someone snatched my beer!!!!!

James

[Dunrobin]

Phone call gone wrong

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy.  Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.  She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

[Brief pause]

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.  Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.  Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.  He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.  But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.  He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

[Long pause]

[Longer pause]

[Even longer pause]

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?  Is this 486-5731?"
 

[Bangsmith]

Adolf Hitler was consulting one of his astrologers, and asked him, "When will I die?"
The astrologer answered, "Mein Fuehrer, you will die on a Jewish holiday."
Hitler: "A JEWISH HOLIDAY?!?!? Why, that is ridiculous!!!!! If it is true, what holiday will it be?"
Astrologer: "Mein Fuehrer, any day you die will be a Jewish holiday!!!"

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Bangsmith,
that's worth a NYUK just because it's so lame!! (karma point awarded)

Here's one for you to cogitate upon ... (VERY dumb, stupid, ignorant, "a groaner", etc)
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion. "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars." The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?" Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?" The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!"

[Jimmie Adams]

I'm in Wal-Mart the other day, in line at customer service returning the junk I got for Christmas.  There was a lady in front of me who turned around and said:

"I'm returning my kid's shoes because they're too tight."

Sez I:

"Lady, you ought to be ashamed letting your kids drink alcoholic beverages."

<rimshot>

[JazzBill]

http://www.toilette-humor.com/the-man-song.html

[Bangsmith]

What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?








The wheelchair!!!!!   Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!!

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

JazzBill ...
if'n you liked "The Man Song", here is the "The Woman Song" by the same singer.

[attachment deleted by admin]

[JazzBill]

JazzBill ...
if'n you liked "The Man Song", here is the "The Woman Song" by the same singer.

The "Woman Song" is funny too, but I can relate more to the "Man Song".

[Bangsmith]

What's the definition of the word "Nigger"?
A black person who just left the room!

[jrvass]

A Man is lying on his death bed knowing full well that he isn't going to last the day when he smells chocolate chip cookies.

"God bless her heart," he thinks to himself. Here he is on his last day on Earth and his wife is making his favorite food in the world.

He summons all of his strength and pulls himself from his bed. He holds on to the railing with all of his might, what little is left, and slowly makes his way down the stairs. He slowly makes his way to the kitchen where his wife is toiling away on a fresh batch.

Knees shaking and holding onto the kitchen table, he reaches for a fresh warm cookie...

and right before he reaches on, she smacks his hand away with a wooden spoon...

"Stay out of those, they're for the funeral."