BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

Bangsmith · **Reply #225 on:** September 30, 2006, 07:09:47 AM

A couple asked their ten-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday.
"I wanna watch." he said.
So they let him!

Piper · **Reply #226 on:** October 02, 2006, 03:21:09 PM

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

jrvass · **Reply #227 on:** October 02, 2006, 07:33:09 PM

Why don't they sell bookmarks in the Congressional bookstore?

Congressmen always bend over the Pages.
~~~~~
James

Bangsmith · **Reply #228 on:** October 03, 2006, 06:41:36 AM

A long time ago, a reporter was in a small village in Afghanistan doing a story when he noticed that the women always walked behind the men. He asked the village elders about this and they answered: "It's an age-old custom."
Recently, the same reporter was in the same village when he saw that the women were walking in FRONT of the men now. He asked the village elders: "Has the old custom changed?"
They responded: "No. Landmines."

Piper · **Reply #229 on:** October 05, 2006, 03:41:38 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest enquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers. Do you want to have some fun?'"

That's obscene," the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said. "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male parrots, which I've taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your
parrots over to my house and I'll put them in the cage with Frank and
Jacob. They can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded. "That may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're
hookers. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers
have been answered."

Piper · **Reply #230 on:** October 05, 2006, 03:44:25 PM

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on His gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in Their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working

Bangsmith · **Reply #231 on:** October 05, 2006, 04:58:55 PM

An eighth-grade teacher told his class one day that he would give Monday off to any student who could answer a question that he offered the previous Friday.
The first Friday, he asked: "How tall was Emperor Barbarossa of the Holy Roman Empire?" No answer, obviously.
The next Friday, he asked: "How many chartered municipalities were there in the former Soviet Union?" Again, nothing.
This went on for several months, and the questions got no better.
One kid got fed up with these ridiculous questions, so he got a bright idea. He got two black marbles and brought them into school one Friday. Just as the teacher was getting ready to ask his question, the student rolled the balls towards the teacher.
The teacher asked: "All right, who's the comedian with the two black balls!!"
The kid answered: "Bill Cosby! See ya Tuesday!!!"

Piper · **Reply #232 on:** October 09, 2006, 03:26:52 PM

Letter of Divorce

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! $:-\$
__________________________________________________________________

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work..

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

jrvass · **Reply #233 on:** October 11, 2006, 07:57:02 PM

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said; " I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

Piper · **Reply #234 on:** October 12, 2006, 07:42:39 AM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the
doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband
and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from,
and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a
very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek."

Bangsmith · **Reply #235 on:** October 12, 2006, 11:31:33 AM

If there was a fag on your back, would you beat him off?

JazzBill · **Reply #236 on:** October 12, 2006, 05:33:08 PM

After it was learned that the private air plane that hit the high rise in New York City was owned by a Yankee player, a Yankee fan was heard saying, "Well, it couldn't have been A-Rod, he can't hit anything in October!"

Piper · **Reply #237 on:** October 17, 2006, 07:40:36 AM

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Dunrobin · **Reply #238 on:** October 19, 2006, 11:43:58 AM

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman : I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman : Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her han dbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2 : Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Giff me dat fill-em! · **Reply #239 on:** October 19, 2006, 01:16:44 PM

In the wake of the 2002 passing of John Entwistle ... Roger Daltrey, Keith Moon, and Pete Townshend came forward to the police today to confess to being the four unknown perpetrators that infiltrated a local kennel and opened all the stalls and cages, confirming the rumors that ...
THE WHO Let The Dogs Out !!!
[nyuk - nyuk - nyuk - nyuk - nyuk ... (slap!!) Oooohh!!]

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Piper · **Reply #240 on:** October 20, 2006, 09:51:36 AM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Piper · **Reply #241 on:** October 20, 2006, 11:41:44 AM

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Giff me dat fill-em! · **Reply #242 on:** October 21, 2006, 08:16:50 PM

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Piper · **Reply #243 on:** October 24, 2006, 03:04:16 PM

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Piper · **Reply #244 on:** October 25, 2006, 10:03:35 AM

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today."

Bangsmith · **Reply #245 on:** October 26, 2006, 04:23:13 PM

John Valby quote:
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it!!!"

shemps#1 · **Reply #246 on:** October 26, 2006, 04:29:06 PM

That joke is way older than John Valby.

Bangsmith · **Reply #247 on:** October 26, 2006, 04:37:40 PM

John Valby is the only one whom I've heard say it. Is it an old traditional, or did someone specific come up with it? I collect John Valby recordings, so now I'm curious.

shemps#1 · **Reply #248 on:** October 26, 2006, 05:51:04 PM

It's an old traditional joke, along with a couple of other Man from Nantucket jokes...been around for ages.

I heard Jackie Martling repeat the joke on his Sirius show yesterday, referred to it as an "old standard among dirty jokes". I've also heard it before here and there.

EDIT: It's even posted on Wikipedia as one of the more well known dirty versions of the limerick.

Giff me dat fill-em! · **Reply #249 on:** October 26, 2006, 08:01:23 PM

Quote from: Bangsmith on October 26, 2006, 04:37:40 PM

John Valby is the only one whom I've heard say it. Is it an old traditional, or did someone specific come up with it? I collect John Valby recordings, so now I'm curious.

I've found a few of Senior Valby's recordings floating around on the internet, and I'll venture an attachment of one of his "lesser" (in explicatives and sexual references) works ... Bangsmith, we have a common nasty trait!

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