Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Piper]

What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least with Zippergate, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."

[Bangsmith]

There once was a really obese guy who finally got sick of it and went to a doctor for liposuction. Sure enough, he went from about 400 pounds down to about 200.
The doctor asked: "How do you feel?"
The man answered: "I feel great, but what about these rolls of skin where the fat was? How will I get home without people making fun of me?"
The doctor said: "They'll go away after a while. Just pile the skin over your head and put on this big top hat and no one will notice."
So he did just that. On his way home, however, he had to stop at a store.
The girl behind the counter asked him: "What's that hole in your forehead?"
"My bellybutton!!", the guy blurted out. "How do ya like my necktie!!!"

[Dunrobin]

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay,"  hung up, counted to 30.........and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you few seconds ago Because there were people in my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all".  Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Bangsmith]

Have you heard the new slogan for surplus Italian rifles from WW2?
"Never been fired and only dropped once!"
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Why did they tear down the soccer stadium they had just built in Warsaw?
Because everywhere you sat, you sat behind a Pole!!
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Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
Because they couldn't fit all that shit into a sneaker!!
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
At the funeral, there's one less drunken Irishman!!

[Piper]

If it's there and you can see it - it's real. If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual. If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent. If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

[Dunrobin]

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.  Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[jrvass]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk,  A half carton of eggs,  A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce,  A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items In front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said  "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.  But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[Piper]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

[jrvass]

A woman meets a man in a bar.
 
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.  There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
   
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.  There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.  She found it strange for an obviously masculine  guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
   
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"
   
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.  They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.  She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
   
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.   The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
   
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
   
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[Piper]

Why did the blonde cross the road? Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?

[Bangsmith]

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle when he happened upon a beautiful woman.
He asked her: "What name?"
She replied: "Jane."
He asked: "What WHOLE name?"
She said: "Cunt!"
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A white guy was in Chinatown, and clumsily asked a Chinese woman: "Is it true that Oriental women have sideways vaginas?"
Her response: "Why, are you harmonica player?"

[jrvass]

Three men walked into a bar: a priest, a pedophile, and a homosexual.

But wait. That was just the first guy.

[Piper]

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

[Piper]

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

[Piper]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. 6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8 ) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[jrvass]

snipps.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

snips...

FYI... Jack Welch is the retired CEO of General Electric. Rick Wagoner is the CEO of General Motors.

James

[Piper]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[Piper]

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!" 

[Bangsmith]

A guy was in the service, and found himself stationed in a remote area where there were no women around. He asked the sergeant what the boys did for pleasure around here.
The sergeant replied: "There's a barrel around the back of that shed; all the guys swear by it."
Needless to say, the guy was a bit apprehensive about it, but being as horny as he was, he decided to try it. Surprisingly, he had the time of his life.
Afterwards, he went back to the sergeant and said: "Wow! That was great! I'm gonna use the barrel every day!!"
The sergeant said: "Every day except Wednesday."
The guy asked: "Why, what's Wednesday?"
The sergeant answered: "That's your day in the barrel."

[Piper]

Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"

[Piper]

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

[Piper]

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...

Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal.

The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?" 

[Bangsmith]

What is the definition of 'woman'?
A life-support systen for a pussy!! 

[Piper]

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

[jrvass]

How do you say Hillary Rodham Clinton in Arabic?

Seldom bin Laid