Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[jrvass]

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

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Attn: Entrepeneurs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

[Bangsmith]

One day, a woman was out shopping for shoes. The guy who attended to her had a very good view up her skirt and blurted out: "Wow! I could eat that pussy full of ice cream!!!"
Offended, she immediately left the store. When she got home, she told her husband about the incident, and demanded that he go down there and beat up the attendant. When he refused, she angrily asked him why.
He responded: "Three reasons: First, you already have a million pairs of shoes. Second, you should've been wearing underwear. Third, anyone who can eat that much ice cream I wouldn't wanna fuck with in the first place!"

[JazzBill]

A little test to help you decide if you are a Democrat, Republican or a Redneck.....

You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. You are carrying a loaded Glock Cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
An Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner and confronts you, he is screaming obscenties, praising Allah, and starts to charge you.You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do ?

Democrat's answer:

Well, thats not enough information to answer the question  ....Does he look poor or oppressed? Did I do something to inspire him to attack me ? Could we run away ? What does the law say about this situation ? Why am I carrying a loaded gun , and what kind of message does this send to society and my children ? Is it possible he'd be happy just killing me and not my whole family ? If I grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me ? Can I call 911 ? Why is this street so deserted ? We need to raise taxes to make this street safer.This is all so confusing, I need to debate this with a few friends for a couple of days and try to come to a consensus...........

Republicans Answer:

BANG !!!!!!!


Rednecks Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
 click............
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: Nice grouping Daddy! Were those Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points ?
Son: Can I shoot the next one Daddy ?
Wife: You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist !
 

[sgt ladylove]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits in stunned silence--shocked at this uncharacteristic display of emotion--nervously watching as the President sits slumped in his chair with his head in his hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

[Dunrobin]

LITTLE DAVIE


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*************

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy? " he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

***************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about JESUS CHRIST because of the Christmas season emphasis on HIS birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of JESUS occurred a long time ago, that HE grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is JESUS today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "HE'S in HEAVEN."

Mary was called on and answered, "HE'S in my HEART."

Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!  HE'S in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.

Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "JESUS CHRIST, are you still in there?!"

***************

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

***************

Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

***************

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to BUY MOM."

[Piper]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!" Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss

[Bangsmith]

Two very gay guys were driving along in their car when they were rear-ended by a tractor-trailor. The driver of the car got out, approached the truck driver and angrily yelled: "We're gonna sue for this!"
The driver responded: "Aw, suck my cock, will ya?!"
The gay driver ran back to the car and told his friend: "Hey! I think we're gonna be able to settle out of court!!!"
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A gay guy was stopped for speeding in a small Southern town.
The cop said: "I'm giving you until sundown to blow this town."
The gay guy responded: "Great! Line 'em up and let me get started!!!"

[larry]

Hey, there's some good jokes here - and some bad jokes, too.

[jrvass]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says.

The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

 

[Dog Hambone]

What does Michael Jackson love most about twenty eight year olds?
The fact that there are twenty of them.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is plastic and a hazard for small children and the other, you put groceries in.

[jrvass]

What does Michael Jackson love most about twenty eight year olds?
The fact that there are twenty of them.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is plastic and a hazard for small children and the other, you put groceries in.

Not really a joke...

On the Great Lakes there is a fishing lure manufactured by Wolverine Tackle and is talked about on marine radios by it's nickname, the "Michael Jackson". The color scheme fades from black to white! 

James

[jrvass]

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure I'll find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

[Piper]

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog.

[jrvass]

A hot dog is the best dog. Because he feeds the hand that bites him.

[percytheslice]

5 reasons not to be a penis.....

1. You're bald all your life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbours are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an asshole and
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

5 Reasons TO be a Penis ...

1. You get personal "hands-on" attention on a daily basis
2. You get a special section in the adult video aisle
3. You know more about fingerprints and DNA samplings than the FBI
4. You can spot a "perspective client" from several hundred yards away, and ...
5. Don't let Viagra get you down ... (how can it?)

[Dunrobin]

An American tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood.... big, stately residences.. no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all.. NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go after all those pints so he finds a side street with high walls to solve his problem. As he unzips, however, a London bobby taps him on the shoulder, "I say, Sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, Officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," says the copper..."Just follow me" and leads him to a delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate that he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away Sir, anywhere you like."

The American finds himself in the most beautiful garden he's ever seen... manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the copper's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call British hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the bobby. "That is what we call the French Embassy."

SOURCE

[Piper]

There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the middle of it. She realizes her husband is using a cucumber! She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage. He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him, calling him a "stupid cheating bastard." He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain our 4 kids!"

[Piper]

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

[Piper]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

... got this e-mail from my neice, pretty cute joke!

How Moses Got the 10 Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are.  We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery?  We're not interested."

Then He went to the Americans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Americans too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not covet thy neighbors house, or his wife, or anything that belongs to thy neighbor."
"Not covet someone's belongings (or loved ones)?  We're not interested."

Then He went to the Political World and said, "I have Commandments."
The Polititians too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not bear false witness."
"Not bear false witness?  We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?"  They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

[Piper]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[Bangsmith]

One day in the Vatican, the Pope was filling in a crossword puzzle, when he appeared to get stuck on one answer. He called one of his closest Cardinals and asked him: "Hey, do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The Cardinal responded: "Aunt."
The Pope said: "Oh, Thanks! Do you have an eraser?"

[jrvass]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A doctor at a Senior Dementia Clinic is interviewing three old men for suspected memory loss.
Doctor, to First Old Man: What’s three times three?’
First Old Man: “A hundred and fifty six.”
Doctor, to Second Old Man: What’s three times three?’
Second Old Man: “Tuesday.”
Doctor, to Third Old Man: What’s three times three?’
Third Old Man: “Nine.”
Doctor: That’s right, how did you figure that out?’
Third Old Man: “I just subtracted Tuesday from a hundred and fifty six.”