Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Dog Hambone]

It was the country bumpkin's first time in the city. As he made his way around town, he was fascinated by all the signs on all of the businesses. A lot of them advertised things he had never heard of before. He eventually saw a tavern with a sign out front that that said "Beer, Liquor, Billiards". He was familiar with the first two terms, but the word billiards was new to him.

He decided to check it out, & entered the tavern. He walked up to the bar. The bartender came over & asked, "What'll you have?"

The bumpkin replied, "I'll take a glass of billiards."

The bartender quickly assessed the situtation & saw that this hapless fellow was a real rube. The bartender went into the back and took a leak into a glass. He then brought the filled glass out to the bar, & sold it to the bumpkin for $2.50.

A few minutes later, after taking a few sips from the glass, the bumpkin started to suspect something was amiss. He summoned the bartender over, and in a quiet tone said, "Ya know, if I wasn't an old billiards drinker, I'd swear this was piss." 
   

[Shemoeley Fine]

My bad joke of the day goes like this....

A country bumpkin and his wife decide to take their first ever vacation in order to see the world outside of their remote village in the backwood hills. Choosing to see his long gone cousin, he books a flight to Chicago. After an eye opening adventure to the city, airport and flight, the plane arrives in Chicago and the pilot announces, "Welcome to Chicago, the Windy City, it is now zero degrees" the bumpkin nudges his wife and declares "Can't ask for anything more perfect, it's neither hot nor cold"

S F

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

I've often wished my girlfriend's name was Dawn ...
That way I could always wake up at the crack of dawn.

I've found a new T&A magazine for married guys ...
every month, same girl.

[jrvass]

(An old one...)

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
~~~~~~~~~

James

[shemps#1]

What's the difference between a Peeping Tom and a cat burgular?

A cat burgular snatches watches.

[Wild Hyacinth]

        What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogaine?............Don King.

[Wild Hyacinth]

                         What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? .Full                             

[Bangsmith]

  A conceited couple were knocking boots, and the following was heard:
Her: "Tight, aren't I?"
Him: "No, just full."

[jrvass]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed one of the cards on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman said.

Wow! She sounded sexy! "Hi! I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I gotta be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strapon, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She said, "That sounds really fantastic.... but for an outside line, sir, you need to press 9."
~~~~~~~~~~

James

[Dog Hambone]

A Frenchman, a Mexican, a cowboy, and a lawyer went skeet shooting. As skeet shooters are wont to do, they were also drinking. Toward the end of the day, they ran out of skeet to shoot and booze to drink, and decided to take one last shot at their drink containers and then leave.

The Frenchman finished off his glass of champagne, tossed it in the air, yelled, "Vive La France!", and blasted the champagne glass into a million pieces. The Mexican polished off his bottle of tequila, tossed it up, shouted, "Pancho Villa rides again!" and blew the bottle to smithereens. The cowboy finished off his can of Bud, crushed it against his forehead, threw it into the air, loudly exclaimed, "It don't get any better'n this!", and turned and shot the lawyer dead.     

[Bangsmith]

  A 10-year-old girl was getting a haircut at the barber shop, and was eating a cookie during the process. The barber helpfully pointed out: "You're getting hair on your cookie." The girl replied: "I know! And my boobies are getting big, too!!"

[wakkyjaky]

Shemolely Fine, I remember most of those things, too.
I have a few. Reel to Reel recorders. Talking about copiers how about the ditto copiers they had and the gethethner copiers where you had to type a stencil on some blue wax paper. Then take the stencil and put it on this drum loaded with black ink. No matter how careful you were, you always got in on you or there was some kind of mess. Typewriters had these black and red colored ribbon that messed up your hands when you put one on.

Pop tops on cans that came off. People made stuff out of them.

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Talking about copiers how about the ditto copiers they had and the gethethner copiers where you had to type a stencil on some blue wax paper. Then take the stencil and put it on this drum loaded with black ink. No matter how careful you were, you always got in on you or there was some kind of mess.

Those things were called a "mimeograph".

[Dog Hambone]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello.  He's rather taken back, because he can't place where
he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?"  To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my
butt?"  She said "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."

[jrvass]

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

Let's see, now ... uhmmm ... Urban Cowboy? No, no, no ...
Uhmmm, Being John Malkovich? ... no ...
AAAAhhh!! ... Stagecoach!!!

[jrvass]

Let's see, now ... uhmmm ... Urban Cowboy? No, no, no ...
Uhmmm, Being John Malkovich? ... no ...
AAAAhhh!! ... Stagecoach!!!

Today's Blondie had Dagwood saying that he was watching a real old cowboy film...

... the cowboy only kissed his horse!

James

[Pilsner Panther]

One more thing I threw together for a Fark.com Photoshop contest, but it seems to fit here. Combine two of last year's biggest hit pictures, and what do you get? This:





[attachment deleted by admin]

[Bangsmith]

  A teacher was giving a lesson in poetry, and addressed the class: "I want to hear an example of poetry or prose." Little Johnny raised his hand and was called on. His example:

"Mary had a little lamb,
An ornery little runt!
He stuck his nose up Mary's skirt
And sniffed her little..."

At this point, he stopped and asked the teacher: "Would you like poetry or prose?" "Prose", said the teacher, weakly. So Johnny finished:

"...Asshole!"

[jrvass]

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
~~~~~~~~
James

[Dog Hambone]

A guy walks into a bar & takes a seat on a barstool. When the bartender comes over, he orders 12 martinis, served all at once. The bartender shrugs, then prepares & serves the 12 martinis. The guy quietly sits at the bar drinking until he has finished all 12 of them.

The bartender approaches, & says, "I've never served a drink order like that. Is this some kind of special occasion?"
"Well, my first blowjob," the guy stammers.
"Now, that certainly seems like a special occasion to me, " says the bartender. "How about I bring you another one on the house?"
"Naw, don't bother," the guy replies. "If 12 won't get the taste out of my mouth, one more isn't going to matter."     

[Dog Hambone]

How can you tell how rich a West Virginian is?
By how many cars he has up on blocks in his yard, and/or by how many large appliances he has sitting out on his front porch.

If a West Virginia couple gets divorced, are they still legally brother and sister?

What do a West Virginia girl & the Unabomber have in common?
They've both been fingered by their brother. 

[jrvass]

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient yelps.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", the patient says, "I'm fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it'll give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
~~~~~~
James

[jrvass]

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there.

He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

[Dog Hambone]

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says:  "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:  "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:  "You're all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."