Barbecuing with Henny Youngman
Your barbecuing equipment will not only give you many happy hours of eating, it will save your life if you are ever marooned on a desert island. When this happens, make sure you have your barbecue things with you. Start barbecuing immediately, in no time at all you’ll be surrounded by dozens of people all giving you advice. Ask one of them to save you.
Summer is normally the time to barbecue, because it’s cold in the winter, and who wants to stand over a hot fire when it’s freezing out. On the other hand, standing with your feet in ten inches of snow grilling franks is the best known way to have hot dogs and cold dogs at the same time.
No matter when you barbecue it’s important to have all the things you’ll need close at hand. These, in the order you’ll need them, are charcoal, matches, and unguentine. Now, because things can go wrong the first time you barbecue, invite all of your relatives and your fire insurance agent. You better also invite your lawyer to your first barbecue. Everyone will be giving you advice on how to build a fire, how to season the meat, and all the other technical problems. This will start an argument that will turn into a fight, and you’ll have to sue your best friend. Don’t let your lawyer taste anything you cook, or he may sue you.
How to build the right kind of fire for barbecuing is important. Besides charcoal and matches, you’ll need a big supply of kindling, unless you use an electric fire starter. If you use an electric fire starter, all you’ll need is a big supply of extra fuses. If you don’t have an electric starter, all you’ll need is a large box of kitchen matches and a boy scout, and four complete copies of the New York or Los Angeles Sunday Times, Chicago Sunday Tribune, or any other Sunday newspaper that gives you a double hernia to lift. Besides these, you should have several empty strawberry boxes you can break up, a few ping pong balls, and all the old celluloid guitar picks you can find in your kids closet.
Always be sure to start your fire well before your guests arrive. If you do this, by the time they show up, every briquette of charcoal will turn grey, and be ready for you to start cooking. If you don’t do this, by the time you’re ready to start cooking, every one of your guests will turn grey.
If your fire won’t start fast enough, there are several different types of liquid fire starters. These are about as safe to use as nitroglycerine in a destruction derby. The two problems that confront you are: 1. the steak can taste like paint thinner, and 2. you can get yourself barbecued instead of the steak. Remember years ago when the barber used to give you a singe? Liquid fire starter will do the same thing for you. Now when you finally get your fire started and you have a nice bed of grey coals, you are ready to cook. Be sure to have plenty of water handy in case the fat makes the fire flare up you can douse it. It’s also good when your friends start giving you advice, you can douse them. Once you start to cook, the thrilling part of grilling begins. There’s an old song that goes, “When you heart’s on fire, smoke gets in your eyes”. In barbecuing, smoke gets in your eyes when your meat’s on fire.
One of the most important things to know about barbecuing is that all meat should be marinated. There are a lot of excellent marinades you can buy. Forget them. About a half-hour before you begin cooking, drink a pint of scotch, that’s all, drink it. You’ll either be too marinated to barbecue at all, or so high, you won’t care what happens. In most cases, it’s best to give the guests the same marinade. This makes any barbecue a success.
Now, some barbecue-ers try to place their barbecues over a plot of grass, rather than a plot of sand. If you drop the steak before serving it and it falls on the grass, serve it anyway. It looks like spinach. If you drop it on the sand, it tastes like spinach. Be careful not to start your barbecue fire too close to trees, shrubbery, or to the house. If Mrs. O’Leary hadn’t been grilling hamburgers so near a barn full of hay, the cow couldn’t have kicked over the grill and started the Chicago fire.
Always remember that there’s nothing more fun than cooking and eating out-of-doors unless you’d rather be comfortable. Anybody who’s had any experience planning a barbecue knows one thing, it might rain, and they all agree that there’s just one thing you can do about it – let it. Smoke generally keeps the bugs away from the barbecue. But if mosquitoes start eating you up, go indoors and let them eat the steak.
