Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Pilsner Panther]

You're even so distraught that you posted on the wrong thread ... I'm glad I could inject some levity into your otherwise drab holiday season.

I wanted to get that pickle reference in there... as an introduction to some "extra sour" holiday music. If you want, I'll move the reply over to Pilsner's Picks, but I'm only going to leave these tracks up for a couple of days, anyway. Have a happy...

 

[Dunrobin]

 The Old Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A hardy-har-har for THAT one, Dunrobin!!

[Dunrobin]

A sales manager, a hardware technician and a software technician were carpooling to a meeting. At the top of a long, steep decline the brakes went out in their car. They sped down the hill faster and faster, nearly colliding with several other vehicles until, miraculously, they managed to slow down by scraping against the guardrail and came to a full stop about halfway down the mountain.

After confirming they were all OK, the sales manager said "We obviously have a problem here. Let's have a meeting, set some goals, establish priorities, make some plans, and by a process of continuous improvement we will remedy this situation."

The hardware technician said "Well, that's never worked for me. I will just pull out my Swiss Army knife and take apart the braking system, find the fault, repair it, and we will be on our way."

The software technician said "Before we do anything, we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it does the same thing again."

I'm a "software technician", so now you know why it can take me so long to make changes to the site!   

[Pilsner Panther]

This gag doesn't really work, Rob. Let's try it again, my way:

A sales manager, a hardware technician, a clergyman, and a software technician were carpooling to a meeting. At the top of a long, steep decline the brakes went out in their car. They sped down the hill faster and faster, nearly colliding with several other vehicles until, miraculously, they managed to slow down by scraping against the guardrail and came to a full stop about halfway down the mountain.

After confirming they were all OK, the sales manager said "We obviously have a problem here. Let's have a meeting, set some goals, establish priorities, make some plans, and by a process of continuous improvement we will remedy this situation."

The hardware technician said "Well, that's never worked for me. I will just pull out my Swiss Army knife and take apart the braking system, find the fault, repair it, and we will be on our way."

The software technician said "Before we do anything, we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it does the same thing again."

The clergyman said, "If you'd all prayed hard enough, none of this mess would have ever happened!"


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[Dunrobin]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him," I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!

[FineBari3]

I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!

YEAAAHHHH!

Finally, some class on this site!!!!   :headbang:

(My kinda joke...ya'know!)

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A cop stops a car for speeding, and he asks the man his name. "Fred," the man replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer presses him for the last name. The man says, "I used to have a last name but lost it". The officer queries, "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" 
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
 
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a physician. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a physician, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. 
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

[Weasel]

Curly was telling his friend Larry about his recent hunting trip to Africa:  "There I was, it was him or me, facing the Rhinoceros!  He charged me and I fired the rifle and he dropped over dead!  The next day there I was, it was him or me, facing the Tiger!  He charged, I fired my rifle and he dropped over dead!  The next day there I was, facing the Lion, I pulled the trigger and remembered that I hadn't loaded the rifle! No bullets!  The Lion growled "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"What happened?" asked Larry.

"I pooped in my pants!" Curly answered.

"I don't blame you, I would have done the same thing if I was facing a ferocious Lion with no bullets in my rifle!" said Larry.

"Not then", added Curly, "just now, when I went "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

[Dunrobin]

My brother sent this to my email today, and I had to pop in here for a minute to share it with all of you.   

>  I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

  This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

  "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

    That's 96 miles each day.

    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

    That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

    Statistically, females drive half of these.

    That's 18,000 women drivers!

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

    That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

    That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

    That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

    That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

   That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

   Give her the finger? I don't think so!!

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a redneck, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?!"

[Pilsner Panther]

I should smite you for that one, but I won't.

 

[Dog Hambone]

A man told his friend that his elbow really hurt, he thought it might be tennis elbow, & he was going to make an appointment with a doctor.

"Don't do that," the friend replied. "They've got this new vending machine down at Wal-Mart. You put in a urine sample, pay $5, and it'll  diagnose your problem."

The man was skeptical, but decided to give it a try, so he took a urine sample to Wal-Mart, poured it in, & put $5 in the slot. Several minutes later, the machine printed out a diagnosis that confirmed that the man indeed had tennis elbow.

The man was impressed, but still skeptical. That evening, he came up with a plan to try & fool the machine. The next day, he first urinated into a cup. Then, using a concocted story, he convinced his wife & daughter to give him a urine sample. Next, he got a sample of dog poop from the back yard. He mixed everything together, then decided for good measure, to masturbate into the cup. He mixed everything up thoroughly and headed back to Wal-Mart.

At Wal-Mart, he poured the concoction into the machine & deposited $5.

Several minutes later, the machine printed out the diagnosis:

"Your dog is getting ready to go into heat. Your daughter is on drugs. Your wife is pregnant and it isn't yours. And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow is never going to go away."     

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

"I'm lonely", Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."
God said, "Okay, I'll give you a perfect companion. She's beautiful, gracious, intelligent, she'll cook and clean for you, and never say a cross word."
"Sounds great", Adam said, "what's she gonna cost?"
"She's gonna cost an arm and a leg", says God.
"That's pretty steep", replied Adam, "what can I get for a rib?"

[Dog Hambone]

A skeleton walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, & says, "Let me have a beer and a mop."

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

The chicken and the egg are lying in bed, and the chicken is smiling and smoking a cigarette. The egg is upset and mutters to itself, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question."

[jrvass]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

James

[Dunrobin]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

James

That was funny as hell, James.  (Pilsner, you've got some more competition!)   

[JazzBill]

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street when they notice a little boy walking towards them. The Priest nudges the Rabbi and says, "Hey , lets screw that little boy". The Rabbi says "OK......Out of what?"

[Pilsner Panther]

That was funny as hell, James.  (Pilsner, you've got some more competition!)   

That gag got a rise out of me, to say the yeast.

 

Did you know that I was at the funeral, and I took pictures?

I did this a while back, when I was fooling around with some new graphics filters. There's no connection (except maybe that "great minds think alike").

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[jrvass]

That's a pretty cool graphic. I had to download it to fully appreciate it. 

James

[Pilsner Panther]

That's a pretty cool graphic. I had to download it to fully appreciate it. 

James

It's actually amazing, James, how much computer graphics have advanced in just the past couple of years. I'm old enough to remember when both the PC's and the Mac's visuals were nothing but crude letters on black and white or black and green screens. All I wish now is that I'd had these present-day tools 15 or 20 years ago!

But don't mind me, I'm also old enough to have learned mechanical pasteup (white foam-core board, blue pencils, Rapidograph drafting pens, steel rulers, X-Acto knives, hot wax, and plenty of White-Out). Also, how to use the Compugraphic Typesetting Machine, which was the size and shape of a clothes dryer, only it had a keyboard sticking out of the front. You'd change fonts by selecting one from a strip of film, and then, after wrapping it around a large rotating drum inside the machine and closing the lid, you could print out one line of type at a time. Which you would then paste up to the page that was going to the printer (at that time, the printer was a human being, not a little desktop box).

This was a high-paying skill when I was in my 20's and 30's, but now it's as exactly as useful as being a trained Model T Ford mechanic.

I used to put together the whole yearly phone directory for a major hospital, using just those primitive tools. It looked good, too, but man, was it hard work! Plus, I needed two research assistants to verify all the phone numbers. If they got any wrong (inevitably they did, although they were very thorough), that's what went into the book.

Even before that technology, there was the Linotype machine, which used molten lead to cast type! The operator had to wear thick work clothes and a canvas apron, just in case he got spattered with boiling lead. No, I'm not old enough to have used one of those, but I've seen a working one.

Excuse me, the night nurse is coming to give me my injection... and a warm glass of milk so that I'll doze off.

 




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[Shemoeley Fine]

Man, I must be ancient. I recall carbon paper to make a copy or two. I recall using a typewriter, I recall using a bleach type liquid to correct typos on a typewriter as there was no liquid paper-yet, Monkee Nesmith's mom hadn't invented it yet. I remember mimmeograph machines and their copies with ink that smell pleasant to some and putrid top others. I recall having to write out term papers with a ink pen, either a "modern" cartridge version or the traditional suction from an ink bottle fountain pen. I recall watching movies in class from a 16mm projector, having to clean blackboard eraser outside by slapping them against a wall. I recall being encouraged to play dodge ball, corporal punishment being allowed and then another whupping by my Dad when he found out I was rapped on the knuckles, or paddled on the behind. I recall actually having to add a column of numbers without a calculator.

I remember B & W television all the time, rabbit ears antennae, having to use a can opener to open a tin can or glass bottle of soda, later on beer, collecting bottles for 2 cents each refund or a nickel for a quart bottle. I recall waxed paper,  spinning the rotary dial to make a call, party lines, defrosting freezers, push button lever car radios with the civil board symbols at 640 and 1240 AM. I remember turning on a record player, radio, TV and having to wait for the tubes to warm up, I remember changing tubes on TVs and radios. I remember being able to tune your own carbuerator.  A computer to me was soemthing you walked inside of. I remember 2 deiveries a day from the post office and having to lick the stamps, write Air Mail on the envelope and not using zip codes.  I recall playing 78s RPM, stacking 45's and LP's on a spindle that would play them in succesion.  I remember toilets that had the water tank above and one would pull the chain to flush, they actually worked better. I recall gears and interior parts of a myriad of things being made of metal and replaceble. I remember movies show with a cartoon, a Stooges short and 2 feature films.

Although I remember all of those things and much more, I do not live in the past nor view them as the "good old days", however I don't forget where I've been

S F

[Dog Hambone]

Paddy O'Malley was born in Ireland but had emigrated to the USA years ago. Once a week, he would go down to the neighborhood tavern, sit at the bar, & order 2 stouts, both served at the same time. After several weeks, the bartender asked him why he always ordered 2 stouts at a time instead of just one like most people.

"The second stout is for me brother, Seamus," Paddy replied. "Long ago, I left Ireland to move to America, but Seamus stayed in Ireland. We were always very close. I miss him terribly, and so I when I drink a stout, I always order a second one for him, just as if he were here with me."

After that, whenever Paddy came in, the bartender would always draw 2 stouts and place them on the bar in front of Paddy.

One week, Paddy came in to the tavern, but this time he asked the bartender to draw just one stout.

The bartender, thinking the worst, asked, "Your brother Seamus, is he alright?"

"Oh yes," answered Paddy. "Seamus is doing well, thank you. It's just that I quit drinking."   

[Pilsner Panther]

A priest, a drunk, and a pedophile walked into a bar—

And that was only the first guy.