Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Pilsner Panther]

hey I just wnat to ask ya i' not sure if u rememebr me or not but i used to be a member here ALONG time ago b-4 it was updated. i remember dunrobin and a couple other people i just had to re join the site, but i wnated to tell the ppl iknew to say hey and that i'm back

Much more of this kind of "prose" from anyone and I'm going to bust a blood vessel.

 

[Moe_Howard_Fan]

Who is this message directed toward? Cos i didn't post Any bad messages.

[Moe_Howard_Fan]

okay first of all i dont have a litercy problem. Just a couple of typos. i didn't see them till AFTER i had posted the message, alight?!

[Pilsner Panther]

okay first of all i dont have a litercy problem. Just a couple of typos. i didn't see them till AFTER i had posted the message, alight?!

Okay, so you don't, but you're still banned as of now... You can come back when you've dealt with your "litercy" problem, the one that you don't have, so that you aren't messing up this board with a lot of typographical garbage.

Jimminy Christmas...!

 

[Jimmie Adams]

To be topical:

What does Michael Jackson call a school bus?

Meals on Wheels

Allright folks, staying on topic, grab a bucket and put it between your legs and I'll tell you the worse joke I've ever heard:

Why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

Because it's fur to the end

Thanks to Bill D. of Philadelphia for that.

[sickdrjoe]

Not exactly a 'joke' per se....then again, most of the 'jokes' I know are unprintably vile.


SOUTHERN IQ TEST

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support
a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in
your front yard?
a. a '65 Ford Fairlane
b. a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c. a '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of
shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense
the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the
pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3
acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers
will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 coolant;
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field
rock foundation The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many
hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Kentucky house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope
on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike
a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine
employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate to
breed a country-western singer?
http://goldenink.com/humor/iqtest.html

[Dunrobin]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14 +15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Dunrobin]

Kids can say the damnedest things:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
 
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
 
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

 
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
 
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10
 
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
 

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
 
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
 
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

 
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
 
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
 
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
 
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
 
(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
 
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. 
-- Curt, age 7
 
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
 

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
 
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8
 
(2) Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
 
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
 

And the #1 Favorite is...
 
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
 
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 6

[Dunrobin]

Service being what it is today....

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.  The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she's dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great!  If not, you could just keep billing her.  I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 36."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[Dunrobin]

REDNECK MAMA
 
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
 
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
 
"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
 
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need all your children's names."
 
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
 
"OK, and who's next?"
 
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
 
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
 
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here.  Are they ALL named Leroy?"
 
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'   
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'
 
An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
 
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
 
"I call them by their last names."

[Dunrobin]

Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the  impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name  is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a  female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table  wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
 

[Dunrobin]

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".  The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something:   If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well no."

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well no, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
They had a hoot'n nanny!

[Dunrobin]

Three little ducks go into a bar...

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.   "My name is Puddles."

 

[Waldo Twitchell]

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

[Pilsner Panther]

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[Waldo Twitchell]

The math formula to success is pretty clever, actually.
I would like to copy it and pass it on to others if that's okay.

Meanwhile, here's a new low for this topic:

Why did the chicken lay a square egg?

Because he ate a square meal.

(This one could have been in a Stooges short, me thinks.)

[Dunrobin]

The math formula to success is pretty clever, actually.
I would like to copy it and pass it on to others if that's okay.

No problem - someone sent it to me from a group e-mail.  I have no idea who originally wrote it.

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

My uncle is a magician ... every day he walks down the street and turns into a bar.

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

I read in the paper that President Bush was admitted to the hospital today ... he's recently had an asshole transplant ... and the asshole has rejected him.

[Dunrobin]

I read in the paper that President Bush was admitted to the hospital today ... he's recently had an asshole transplant ... and the asshole has rejected him.

[Pilsner Panther]

I read in the paper that President Bush was admitted to the hospital today ... he's recently had an asshole transplant ... and the asshole has rejected him.

You mean we're going to get a new Vice President?

 

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[Giff me dat fill-em!]

I pulled this one from http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com ...

Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory for a number of years, and came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist, but Bill vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. A few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see that something was seriously wrong. Bill confessed ...
"Do you remember that I told you I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, no, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, ... I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."

[Pilsner Panther]

Giff, just for reminding me of both John Denver and MC Hammer in one day— especially right before Christmas— you get what you deserve!

Now I'll be so nauseous that I won't be able to eat Christmas dinner... gee, thanks.

 



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[Giff me dat fill-em!]

You're even so distraught that you posted on the wrong thread ... I'm glad I could inject some levity into your otherwise drab holiday season.