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BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

Dunrobin · 500 · 148307

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Dog Hambone

  • Guest
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor store owner's son brought up a big heavy box.
 
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
   
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
 
"No," the boy replied.
 
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?....Scotch?"
 
"No," said the little boy,"...It's a puppy!"



Dog Hambone

  • Guest
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, "Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ken replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

 [smileinthebox]

 


Offline Shemp_Diesel

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Dog Hambone

  • Guest
A young Arab asks his father:
"Why the weird hat that we are wearing?"
"Its a 'chechia', in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"What is this type of clothing that we are wearing?"
"It's a 'djbellah', in the desert it is very hot and this keeps us comfortable."
"And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"
"These are 'babouches', so our feet won't burn in the desert."
"Tell me, papa..."
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are we in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing this shit?"
 


Dog Hambone

  • Guest
Top Ten “Your Security Software” Jokes

1) Your security software is so out of date that last virus it found was the one that killed off the dinosaurs.
2) Your security software has such a large footprint you keep getting calls from the Guinness Book of World Records.
3) Your security software is so hard to use that Stephen Hawking gave up on it and went back to investigating quantum entanglement and Yang-Mills instantons.
4) Your security software is so weak Trojan horses literally push it around and laugh before contaminating your system.
5) Your security software is so slow you suspect that you’re being Punk’d by Betty White.
6) Your security software is so difficult to use you’re considering taking it to counseling.
7) Your security software slows your computer down so much that the only game you can play during a scan is Frogger.
8) Your security software is so old there was a celebrity endorsement from The Backstreet Boys on the box.
9) Your security software is so sketchy that it identified itself as a potential threat.
10) Your security software is so old, it originally came with a coupon for floppy discs.


Offline Shemp_Diesel

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Offline Shemp_Diesel

A woman in a bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Dog Hambone

  • Guest
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Shemp Diesel, I loved this joke! Not only that, earlier today my yellow Lab was beside himself with excitement over something & I got him to reenact it with me.
 ::)

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken, then he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'

 [dance]

 




Offline Shemp_Diesel

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"


 
 
Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Dog Hambone

  • Guest
If Airlines Sold Paint...
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.



Offline Boid Brain

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand: "Make me one with everything"


Offline Shemp_Diesel

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Offline Curly4444

Chuck Norris Jokes


-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

-What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

-Chuck Norris once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine "Chuck Norris." When they refused, Chuck roundhouse kicked Google in the face, transforming it's bruised remains into Google Dark.

-Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

-If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

-The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .

-If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

-Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

-The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

-Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

-Chuck Norris Isn't funny, stop laughing.

-Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Chuck Norris’s poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Chuck Norris is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.

-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

-Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

-Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris?
A: Oblivion.

-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.

-Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

-February 29th only occurs once every four years because Chuck Norris wills it to be so.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

-Chuck Norris really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-There’s an old Chuck Norris saying: “He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

-A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chuck Norris once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary Chuck Norris ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

-Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

-There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.


Offline Dr. Hugo Gansamacher

  • Birdbrain
  • ****
  • "Pleese! You zit!"
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand: "Make me one with everything"
Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Offline Dr. Hugo Gansamacher

  • Birdbrain
  • ****
  • "Pleese! You zit!"
Chuck Norris Jokes
I think you missed this one:

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built himself.


Offline Shemp_Diesel

"A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Offline Dr. Hugo Gansamacher

  • Birdbrain
  • ****
  • "Pleese! You zit!"

Offline Boid Brain

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Same 2 cannibals are sharing their missionary stew. One say's to the other: "Um-ummm! I'm having a ball!"


Offline Dr. Hugo Gansamacher

  • Birdbrain
  • ****
  • "Pleese! You zit!"
Same 2 cannibals are sharing their missionary stew. One say's to the other: "Um-ummm! I'm having a ball!"
Stop it! Stop this cannibalism! Let's have a joke about clean, decent human beings. . . .

What has two legs and bleeds profusely? ---Half a cat.


Dog Hambone

  • Guest
A skeleton walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender & says, "Let me have a beer and a mop."


Offline Shemp_Diesel

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."

Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Offline Shemp_Diesel

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Offline Shemp_Diesel

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

Talbot's body is the perfect home for the Monster's brain, which I will add to and subtract from in my experiments.


Offline Giff me dat fill-em!

  • Oh, Vici Kid!
  • Team Stooge
  • Bunionhead
  • ******
  • Vici Kid
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.



AT LAST!!! All other BJD's I've read had at LEAST a slight giggle or a chortle, or an eyebrow wrinkle, but this joke is truly a BAD one!! Congrats!
The tacks won't come out! Well, they went in ... maybe they're income tacks.


Offline Dr. Hugo Gansamacher

  • Birdbrain
  • ****
  • "Pleese! You zit!"
AT LAST!!! All other BJD's I've read had at LEAST a slight giggle or a chortle, or an eyebrow wrinkle, but this joke is truly a BAD one!! Congrats!
But it's probably funny when it's told live by a monkey.