Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Dunrobin]

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

       370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.  So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.  They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.  All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ... You're holding it upside down!'

[metaldams]

After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

       370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.  So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.  They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.  All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ... You're holding it upside down!'

Sweet!

[xraffle]

Ahahaha!! That was a good one, Rob! We should have a "Good joke of the day" thread.

[IFleecem]

HaHa, I like It.  Good One.

[Smaug]

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

[Dog Hambone]

 

A man wasn't feeling well so he went to his doctor
for a complete checkup. After a long wait for the
results, the doctor finally came back out.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor
said.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh no! I can't believe it!" says the man. "How
long do I have?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "What do you mean by that?
 Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A sculptor needed a nude model. He interviewed several.
The last was exactly what he'd been searching for, but she
wanted twenty dollars an hour. The sculptor was unwilling to
pay that high, and offered her five dollars an hour. The model
turned him down.

In desperate need of a nude model, the sculptor enlisted the
services of his wife, who was stumpy and shapeless. As he did
his best, the model happened by, peeked in his half-open door,
and saw the wife. The model shook her head sadly and said,

"See what you get for five dollars!"
(Milton Berle's Private Joke File)

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Banks have fallen on hard times. Many are closing.
That things are tough is reflected by this banker who goes into a hardware store and buys a hundred shovels at six dollars each. Three days later he returns for another hundred shovels. The storekeeper says, "It's none of my business, but I'm curious. What do you do with all those shovels?"

The banker says, "I sell them for three dollars each."
"Three dollars?! They cost you six!"

The banker nods and says, "It's better than banking!"

Milton Berle's Private Joke File

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

One mugger I heard of won't work after dusk. He's afraid to walk around with all that money at night!

(Milton Berle's Private Joke File)

[Dog Hambone]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11.. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Every morning he has his coffee with two lumps - his wife and her mother.

Grapes cost a fortune. One good orgy can put you in hock.

How did the inventor of cottage cheese know when he was finished?

She wore a peek-a-boo outfit - one peek and everybody booed!

He was a crossword puzzle boxer - he came into the ring vertically and left horizontally.

Football is a game in which it takes somebody four quarters to finish a fifth!

A man died and left his best friend the money his best friend owed him.

A cocktail party is a gathering where sandwiches and friends are cut into little pieces.

I have a new microwave TV set. I can watch a one hour show in six minutes.

I know a fellow who makes only mental bets. The other day he lost his mind.

(Milton Berle's Private Joke File)

[Hassan bin Sober]

A doctor had been a gynecologist for 20 years, and was fed up with all the demands of his clientele, and tired of delivering babies.  He thought to himself, "I've always loved cars, I think I will be an auto mechanic". 

So he went to trade school, and after a year of night classes, took the final exam.  He was pretty confident that he had done well, but he was still surprised to when grades were posted that he was at the top of his class with a 150% score on the final!

He went to his professor, and asked "How could someone get 150%"?  The professor replied, "Well, in the first half of the test, where you dismantled the engine and drive train, you did such a meticulous job and laid everything out so well that we actually took pictures of it for next years textbook.  It was a superlative example of skill and attention to detail.  We awarded you the full 50 points for that part.  And in the second half, when you put everything back together, you actually got 50 extra horsepower out of the engine!  None of us on the staff had ever seen anything like it!  We had to award you the full 50 points for that part as well.  But the really amazing thing, that we awarded you 50 bonus points for, was that you did it all through the muffler!"

[Dog Hambone]

A little girl went to church with her mother for the first time.
Soon, the little girl began feeling ill.

"Mom," she whispered, "I think I'm going to throw up."

"Go out the front door, dear, then walk to the back of the church
and do it behind the bushes. I'll be out shortly."

A few minutes later, the little girl returned.

"Are you feeling better?" asked the mother.

"Yes, but I didn't have to go to the back of the church like you
said. They have a box next to the front door that says FOR THE
SICK."

[Dog Hambone]

Like any experienced Chicago politician, Barack Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much a right to vote as anyone else here!"

             

[Dog Hambone]

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day, and all
the patients were shouting: "13...13....13."
       
The wooden fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks.
       
So I looked through to see what was going on.
       
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
       
Then they all started shouting: "14....14...14."
 
 
When will I ever learn...................

[Dog Hambone]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare  materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good  looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, he politely greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the  price."

 

[Dog Hambone]

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I
have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your
face."

[chad2411]

LOL, dang, you do have share some good jokes.  Bravo!!

[Dog Hambone]

A cowboy appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' Saint Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

Saint Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago'

 

[Dunrobin]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Dunrobin]

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old guy walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of other sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar toward the senior golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you there, good-looking?"

The old duffer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."

The elderly gentleman leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

[Dog Hambone]

The economy is so bad that...
 
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
     
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,   "Can you afford fries with that?" 
   
CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 
 
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. 
   
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
   
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
     
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
   
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
   
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
   
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
   
The Mafia is laying off judges.
   
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
 
And,  finally ~~~~~~~~ 
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 
 

[Dog Hambone]

The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, two grim-faced policemen greeted him at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

Most of us must be getting stronger. Last year I couldn't carry a hundred dollars worth of groceries, but this year it's easy!

One grocery chain (the one with the diacritic mark) has lost so many shopping carts,
it's started to print their pictures on milk cartons!

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

I don't mind being a grandfather, except that it means I have to sleep with a grandmother!
(wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more)