Topic: BAD JOKE OF THE DAY

[Hassan bin Sober]

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'  The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow..

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[Hassan bin Sober]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

I've got to say, this is not a great day for me, but discovering this thread has busted me up laughing multiple times!


Hassan bin Sober

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. . .

[curlysdame]

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Well! I never...!      That FBI joke had a better punchline than I expected. 

[Hassan bin Sober]

Just got this in email today.  I'm sure I need therapy, but I thought it was great.  Most are recycled, but the one about the envelope was new to me.  And my favorite one in the list.


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like the wind.  Fruit flies like bananas.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.


Hassan bin Sober

 - I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

[metaldams]

Well, you want a BAD joke?

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

[Mike Lipincranz]

Q:  How can you tell a blind guy on a nude beach?

A:  It's not hard........

[Hassan bin Sober]

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin'. Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how  you did.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
 
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
 
The kid says, 'One.'
 
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
 
The boss says,'$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
 
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
 
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "


HbS

- Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly. . .

[Hassan bin Sober]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White  House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
 
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. 

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,  then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
 
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to  the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
 
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?"
 
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,  and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
 
"Done!" replies the government official.
 
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.



Dyslexics Have More Nuf

[Dog Hambone]

A thief went into a bank & robbed it, shooting a guard in the process. The thief then went up to a customer, pointed his pistol at him and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank and shoot that guard?" The man said "Yes" and the thief shot him. The thief then stepped up to the next customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank and shoot those two guys?". The customer hestitated a moment, then replied, "No...," then pointed to woman next to him and continued, "but my wife did."

[Dog Hambone]

 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid
blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... And all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,  "You stay the hell out of this, mister! I'm
talking to that little shit sitting on your knee!"

[Dog Hambone]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

[Smaug]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' She Retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public Places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man.

'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi"

[Giff me dat fill-em!]

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer ... ... and some peanuts."
The bartender says "Why the big pause?" 


(ya see, the reason that's funny is 'cause the bear has big "paws" .. get it? - [SLAP! Ooooh! Ooooh!])

[Dog Hambone]

 

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day
discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes
the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the
Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced
mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the
Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he
thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"

[curlysdame]

    I like that last one.  Although, what's with all the Italian jokes lately?  lol.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"

Haha, we Italians do do it better!   

[metaldams]

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"

Bullshit!  I'm a quarter Italian and half Greek, and half of where my Greek ancestry comes from says women indeed did have sex in Greece!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lesbos_Island

[Moron4392]

Hey Everyone:

It has been over six months now, closer to eight, that I have crossed over to this side of the fence, but I was interested at what was taking place.  Just would like to throw in my two cents about this thread.  It is totally disgusting, what does it have to do with The Three Stooges?  Like the site was originally set-up for.

Thompson, Moron4392 

[curlysdame]

Hey Everyone:

It has been over six months now, closer to eight, that I have crossed over to this side of the fence, but I was interested at what was taking place.  Just would like to throw in my two cents about this thread.  It is totally disgusting, what does it have to do with The Three Stooges?  Like the site was originally set-up for.

Thompson, Moron4392 

If you don't like it, don't read it, I guess.  'Not much else to say.

[Dunrobin]

Just would like to throw in my two cents about this thread.  It is totally disgusting, what does it have to do with The Three Stooges?  Like the site was originally set-up for.

I specifically set up this board where people could "Feel free to talk about anything and everything in this board" (as it says in the board description, and I'm the one who started this thread (over 4 and 1/2 years ago?  My God how time flies!)  Needless to say, I tend to agree with curlysdame - if you don't like any of the threads, don't read them.

After all, the thread is titled "Bad Joke of the Day."   

[Dog Hambone]

Well, if it's any consolation, my wife's family is Greek, & 99% of the Greek jokes I hear come from them, including the one above.

I agree, though, that this thread can be "totally disgusting"; that is why I enjoy it so much!

[Smaug]

Just would like to throw in my two cents about this thread.  It is totally disgusting,
Thompson, Moron4392 

Hope you saved your receipt. Couldn't find any disgusting things, just bad jokes. And not so bad....

[xraffle]

Some of these jokes aren't really "bad" jokes after all. I must say, I cracked up when I read Smaug's joke about the two Italians. That was a good one!

[Moron4392]

Me again:  Just would like to apologize for coming here to this side of the fence.  I know I was totally incorrect to send a response here.  From now on I will remain on my side of the fence and keep completing Shemp transcripts and dropping them in when ever I get one completed.  Ever since I came here we never saw eye to eye on anything because I do not agree with things of this day and age.  I better get out of here while the gettings good.  Please have yourselves a bloody good week end and you will never hear from me again on this side of the fence.  Again sorry for my posting.  Have yourselves a jolly good rest of the week.  Cheerio!

Thompson

[Seamus]

Hoo-boy....

Anyway, a dog with a limp walks into an old west saloon and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot mah paw!"

[Dunrobin]

Hoo-boy....

Anyway, a dog with a limp walks into an old west saloon and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot mah paw!"

[Groan!]   

My great-uncle Ray would have loved that one; he was the family punster.